


Cross Point

by GemNika



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angeldust (PCP), Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Awkward Conversations, BixLu Week 2015, Child Abandonment, Cocaine, Coma, Dark Past, Depression, Domestic Violence, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Dry Humping, Ecstasy (Drug), Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Heroin, Hospitalization, Infidelity, LSD, Male-Female Friendship, Marijuana, Mental Health Issues, Methamphetamine, Narcotics, Original Character Death(s), Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reiki Healing, Romance, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Sleep Deprivation, Song Lyrics, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-03-14 07:34:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 222,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13585317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GemNika/pseuds/GemNika
Summary: Just after Laxus' expulsion from the guild, Bickslow finds himself staring death in the face. The only one that can save him is a blonde. One that he'd never imagined being in his life. But once Lucy finds out the truth about him, will she stick around? Or will she leave him behind, just like everyone else?





	1. Introduction & Warnings

**Welcome to BixLu Week 2015!**

_LittlePrincessNana_  and I have officially lost our goddamn minds. So, we've created BixLu Week, and decided that it should begin on  _All Souls Day_. What better day to give our favorite Seith mage some lovin'?

**Please read all the way through. There are some very important notes that I urge you to check out. Especially in regards to this story.**

The cover art for this story was graciously approved for my use by the wonderful artist, _yume-materia_ , on deviant-art.

* * *

This week will obviously be rated M (it's me, we're talking about... Of course that's the rating…). I'm laying down the blanket disclaimers here:

**Please be aware that this is M for a reason.**

**I do NOT own Fairy Tail, that belongs to Hiro Mashima.**

**I do NOT own the lyrics/songs used in the following chapters, those belong to their respective artists.**

My entries for BixLu week will be an entire chapter story, and it currently has thirty-six planned chapters. I was planning on doing one chapter each day of the month for the story, but I've changed my mind. Because of time constraints, along with family visiting and school, I haven't completed the entire story like I wanted to. I have, however, gotten through the first seven chapters. Chapters 1-6 were originally slotted for Day 1's Prompt (Fix), but I lucked out when I realized that they also fit for the other prompts. This will give me more time to get the other chapters written the way I really want them to be, without me rushing through them or pushing other responsibilities off to the side. The  _entire_  story has been plotted out, it's just a matter of having the time to write it. Which I will. I promise. It just won't be as quickly as I'd have liked.

This song encompasses the entire story. Here's an idea of what this story is gonna be like... Enjoy...

From Ashes to New:  _Destruction of Myself_  
(Here's the link on YouTube: youtube.com/watch?v=8bBTitabWMg)

Also, I  _will_  be putting lyrics in each chapter. They will be bolded, italicized, centered, and placed between two line breaks. The existence of these does not necessarily mean the scene is switching, just that they fit perfectly for that part of the chapter. I've done what I can to make it clear when a scene changes, so hopefully that doesn't get too confusing.

* * *

**ONE MORE WARNING FOR YOU:**

**THIS IS YOUR TRIGGER WARNING! It's rated M, which means it's going to be MATURE.**

You all know that I don't believe in trigger warnings, especially not on a new chapter. This is the exception. Because of the content of this story, I felt it was necessary to put a warning, disclaimer, and god only knows what else on it. And it's right here.

**This next section contains spoilers. Do not read further if you don't want parts of this story spoiled.**

**.**

Now that the first chapter for this story has been posted, I want to let all of you know something. Addiction is a real thing. And someone in this story is addicted to methamphetamine. I  ** _do not_**  condone the use of illegal substances, and I  ** _am not_**  suggesting that any of you go out there and try meth. That would be ridiculous. It is a seriously horrible drug, and that is something that will be coming across in this story. I've done hours upon hours of research to make the use and addiction as realistic as possible, as well as the things the character goes through during withdrawal and while they're "coming down" from the high. Granted, there's also the aspect of the character's magic, but well... Not everything can be perfectly realistic when writing about Fairy Tail.

I've checked countless medical journals, read site after site, but the most valuable information that I found was from people that actually use it. There were tons of forums out there, on places like Reddit and Bluelight, that have actual drug users that are willing to talk about their use, withdrawal, what it's like to come down. All of it. I couldn't possibly try writing any of that from an addict's perspective if I didn't know what it felt like, or the thoughts that would be running through their head. Now, I obviously wasn't going to go out and do meth myself, so that was as close as I could get.

There are serious risks to using any drug, and there will be mentions of  _multiple_  drugs in this story. Methamphetamine, ecstasy, cocaine, heroin, acid, PCP (or angeldust), marijuana, pills (of any sort, really) and the like. Using one is bad enough, but mixing them can have even worse consequences. Things like "meth mouth" (rotted out teeth from a constantly dry mouth and grinding the teeth), memory loss, scars from incessant scratching, heart problems, blown out veins, seizures, strokes, comas, psychotic breaks from sleep deprivation, depression, suicidal thoughts, and death are just a few.

If you, or someone you know, is addicted to any substance - whether it's an illegal substance, alcohol, or anything else - please. I'm begging you to get help. There are tons of organizations out there that have the resources to help you, and you're not alone. If you need someone to talk to, then feel free to send me a message. Because, if I can be the person that helps you in some way, then at least I know that I'm doing more than just writing some fanfiction. I care about my readers, each and every one of you, and I want you to be happy, healthy, and safe.

Hopefully, this story will show you guys just how bad things can get for someone who's addicted to meth. And how your life could end up if you (or someone you know) starts using and decides not to get clean. I will tell you right now that this story will have ups and downs, and that it will have a happy ending of sorts. It's going to be pretty dark otherwise though. So, be prepared.

* * *

 **Dates:** November 1, 2015 through November 7, 2015

**Prompts:**

Day 1:  _Fix_

Day 2:  _Hidden_

Day 3:  _Home_

Day 4:  _Doctor_

Day 5:  _Vendetta_

Day 6:  _Fluffy_

Day 7:  _Space_

* * *

**Now, on to the story!**

~~GemNika.


	2. 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Shinedown: 45

 

 _**Send away for a priceless gift** _  
_**One not subtle, one not on the list** _  
_**Send away for a perfect world** _  
_**One not simply, so absurd** _

* * *

Bickslow grimaced as he walked through the streets of Magnolia while the sun was setting. He could hear the whole town buzzing with excitement for the Fantasia Parade. They were even more pumped up since they had to wait an extra day. And none of the citizens knew just why it happened. Why the parade had to be cancelled the day before. How could they all just smile and laugh and have a grand old fucking time right then? Why couldn't someone tell them why this was no reason to celebrate?

" _No! You must be joking! Why would he kick you out and not the rest of us?"_

" _Yeah, I mean we're just as guilty as you are!"_

" _Just as guilty."_

" _Guess the old man doesn't see it that way."_

Didn't anyone understand that this wasn't for the best? Everyone was acting like the most important person in Bickslow's life hadn't just been torn away from him. Not just his life though, but Freed's and Evergreen's too. Laxus was gone. Expelled from the guild for failing at his attempt to take over. To make the guild stronger. To make it better than it was.

Bickslow wanted to hate Makarov for kicking his own grandson out. He wanted to hate that little blonde Cosplayer girl and Loke. If he hadn't lost against her, then he could have helped more. Laxus would have succeeded, and Bickslow wouldn't be alone now.

No one noticed just how much things affected him, and he preferred it that way most of the time. They couldn't see that he was crying through the slats of his visor. No one knew that he felt like his skin was crawling with every step he took. They couldn't see the desperation on his face just to find his best friend. He needed Laxus more than ever, but the guy had vanished.

" _Well, if you're leaving the guild, then I'm leaving too."_

" _Why should we stick around if you're not gonna be here?"_

There was no reason for Bickslow to be anywhere if Laxus was gone. He was the one that knew what was going on with Bickslow, that he needed help. Bickslow wanted help, but who could he turn to? Freed and Evergreen wouldn't understand. He didn't have anyone else... Laxus was the only one he knew could help him but...

"I can't do this without him," he whispered to himself as he turned down an alley on his way downtown. He knew he shouldn't be doing it, that Laxus wouldn't want him to, but Laxus was gone. He was gone and now Bickslow was all alone.

* * *

_**In these times of doing what you're told  
Keep these feelings, no one knows** _

* * *

There was no reason to keep going without Laxus. Freed and Evergreen couldn't help him, he already knew that. He needed his best friend, but the hulking blond had left. He was the only one that Bickslow trusted to help him, and now he was alone again. He just kept circling around and around in his head, focusing on that one simple fact. Which just left him feeling completely lost. "What am I supposed to do? I-I can't… I can't be alone, Laxus…"

Bickslow stopped in the middle of the alley and looked up at the sky. He could see the streaks of red and purple melding with the clouds as the sun descended past the horizon. The sounds of the town faded away until he was left with only the soft hum of the five souls of his babies as they floated above him. His eyes closed, and he could remember everything from only an hour before as clear as day. Every word, every tear that he and Evergreen had shed, every hardly noticeable expression on Freed's face, and Laxus. His electric blue eyes, and that small smirk on his lips. The bandages all over him from fighting against Natsu and Gajeel. The bag slung over his shoulder and his favorite fur coat.

" _You guys can be such a pain in the ass. I mean, can't you just say goodbye and be done with it?"_

" _I don't understand. We're at fault too, so why are you taking all the blame?"_

" _You got it all wrong. You can say whatever you want, but I know you guys are much more attached to this guild than I could ever be."_

Laxus was the one that had it wrong. Bickslow cared about  _him_ , not the guild. Sure, he hadn't really wanted to go along with the plan, but he would never ditch his friend. It's why he didn't really hate that blonde chick he'd been fighting. If it was someone else attacking the guild like they had been, then he would have done the same shit. He would have protected the others. Yeah, he didn't really talk to any of the other people in the guild, and everyone thought he was insane, but he still would have stepped up to the plate.

They weren't the weak ones, he was. He was the one that couldn't stop himself. Laxus had been trying to help him, but Bickslow always messed up. He just did it again and again.

" _If we talk to the Master, then maybe we can change his mind."_

" _Yeah! And Natsu and Gray respect you, so they'll probably go with us. He loves those guys! I'm sure he'll listen to them!"_

" _Are you really leaving?"_

Bickslow knew why Laxus left. It wasn't because of getting kicked out, or anything that Makarov had told him. It was because of  _him._  Because of Bickslow. Laxus was tired of trying to help him, and he took the first chance he had to get the hell away.

_Laxus turned around silently, and walked away with his belongings over his shoulder. He didn't look back to his team, and instead just lifted one bandaged arm into the air and gave them a small wave._

_Bickslow trembled while he watched the best friend he'd ever had leaving him. His fists were clenched tightly at his sides, shaking violently while he fought to keep himself from making a spectacle. 'Don't go,' he thought. 'Please, Laxus... Don't leave me behind...'_

Bickslow let out a shaky breath, then sniffled and continued on his way down the alley. If Laxus wasn't going to be there to make him stop, then what was the point in fighting it? He didn't need to be the energetic weirdo everyone knew. He didn't need to make jokes and be a pervert.

Bickslow didn't fucking need Fairy Tail. He didn't need Freed or Evergreen. He didn't need anyone in the guild.

" _Take care of yourselves."_

" _Laxus, wait!" Evergreen shouted. She took off her glasses and wiped away the never-ending stream of tears when he ignored her._

" _Hey! You can't just leave us behind!" Bickslow yelled as tears blurred his vision. "What'll happen to the Raijinshuu?!" He clenched his fists again and ground his teeth together before he got himself under control. "Man, I can't believe this!"_

Freed and Evergreen would take care of themselves. They would be able to do the one thing Laxus had told them to do when he left. The last thing they heard from him before he was gone. Not Bickslow. Not the way Laxus wanted, anyway.

As he turned another corner, he could hear his babies' souls humming worriedly while they tried to get him to stop. To turn back and just go home. He couldn't though. He'd come this far, and there wasn't anything that could stop him. The one that could have stopped him was gone, and he knew Laxus was never coming back.

He had hoped that Laxus would stick around, maybe pull him off to the side and tell him that things would be okay. That he wasn't really going to leave the Seith mage behind when he  _knew_  just how badly Bickslow needed him around. He needed Laxus to stop him, to rip it all away, break it, and shock the hell out of him until he couldn't move. So he couldn't go and do it again.

* * *

_**What ever happened to the young man's heart  
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart** _

* * *

Laxus was supposed to be there to make it all stop. He wasn't supposed to leave Bickslow alone like this. It just wasn't safe. "I-I need him. Laxus… Where are you?" He stopped in front of a small, rat-infested building with cracked and peeling paint on the walls, large sections of the shingles missing, boarded up windows. It looked abandoned, but he knew from experience that it was anything but empty. There were plenty of people just milling about inside, people just like him.

He hated that he was there, but what was he supposed to do?

"Turn around, Bickslow," his totems whispered. "Don't go in…"

"What's the point, babies?" he asked sadly, wiping away his tears. It's not like he would take out his communications lacrima and call Laxus right then. The guy wouldn't answer, not like he always had when Bickslow called him before. He knew that. He just didn't give a shit about Bickslow anymore.

' _I did this,'_  he thought sadly.  _'I drove him away. This is all my fault…'_

"You didn't," the totems said. "That's not your fault."

"It is," Bickslow whispered. "Everyone ditches me, babies. E-Everyone…"

"We won't!"

"Yeah," Bickslow chuckled drily. "Because you can't. You'd leave me too… if you could…" He turned around and looked back over Magnolia, seeing the lights of the Fantasia Parade off in the distance. Last year, he'd been on a float with the Raijinshuu. With Laxus. Freed used his runes to make all kinds of crazy designs in the sky. Evergreen's fairy dust was flying everywhere. Bickslow was jumping from platform to platform on the float, and his babies kept switching to other inanimate objects that were scattered all over the place. And Laxus stood at the very top, with his lightning arcing all over his body and up into the sky. It was amazing.  _They_  were amazing. It was even better, because Bickslow hadn't fucked up in two months by that point.

He'd seen how proud Laxus was that he'd stopped, and he'd been able to keep it going for another week before he did it again. And disappeared for a bit.  _'But Laxus found me again. He saved me…'_  That wasn't going to happen again. Bickslow didn't have anyone to make him stop, or save him. He didn't want to be saved anymore. What was the point in saving someone when they were just one big fuck-up anyway?

"Bickslow, stop!" the totems shouted when he turned back towards the building. "Please… Don't do this… Please…"

"I'm sorry, babies," Bickslow whispered. He took one step, then another, and another until he was standing at the small door in the thin alley between his destination and another equally un-abandoned building. "I'm so sorry…"

He walked into the building, stepping over a prone body and not paying attention to whether or not the person was still breathing. He needed this. He needed to take the pain and anger and sadness away. He couldn't do this shit anymore. Just one hour without his best friend, and he was in this pathetic state. No matter what his babies told him, Bickslow knew he was to blame for what happened. He wouldn't be that person anymore. No one cared about him now anyway, so he wouldn't be missed.

' _I'm sorry… Laxus…'_

* * *

_**And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45,** _   
_**Swimming through the ashes of another life** _

* * *

Lucy sighed while walking through Magnolia, her eyes looking up toward the sky to count the stars again. It had been a full week since the Fantasia Parade, and the sections of the town that had been damaged during the Battle of Fairy Tail were finally fully repaired. There wasn't anything really different about the guild, but something had just felt like it was missing. Laxus was gone, and his old team, the Raijinshuu, had been at the guild nearly every day. No one really talked to them though. Freed and Evergreen just sat at a table in the corner, looking for all the world as though they didn't care that people ignored them. Mira still talked to them, but she talked to everyone, and she delivered their food so it wasn't like she could just ignore them like the rest of the guild. Lucy didn't really talk to them either though. It wasn't that she was still holding what happened the week prior against them. If anything, she felt bad. The Raijinshuu had followed Laxus into some crackpot scheme, and now they were left at the guild with people that should have been their family acting like they weren't there.

Freed and Evergreen looked so sad, so lost, that Lucy really did want to just go over and sit with them. Just so they wouldn't feel like they'd been abandoned. She knew that look in their eyes. They lost someone they cared about, and it was eating them alive.

But… She'd only seen Freed and Evergreen… Lucy hadn't seen Bickslow once since her fight with him. He'd just up and vanished. When she asked Natsu and the others about it, about why he was missing so suddenly, they had all shrugged. It seemed like he had a habit of disappearing from time to time. Still, Lucy thought it was a little odd that it happened so soon after Laxus was gone.

Maybe that's what was missing though. The few times the Raijinshuu had been in the guild, Bickslow had been a big ball of energy. Almost like Natsu, but way more perverse. She didn't know much of anything about him, or the rest of the Raijinshuu for that matter, but she did want to ask if he was alright. From what she could tell, they all cared about Laxus - even though she wasn't sure if he cared about them in return - and she still considered all of them a part of Fairy Tail.

Mira had told her that Freed saw the error of his ways when she beat him. The stoic Rune mage had actually cried, and even Cana and Elfman had confirmed that he knew what they'd done was wrong. She wasn't sure about Evergreen, but she did seem to be just a little less unapproachable. But maybe that was just Lucy's point of view.

But Bickslow… He'd gotten blown halfway across Magnolia with Loke's Regulus Impact, and Lucy had passed out for a few after the fight was done. She hadn't seen him since.  _'Has anyone seen him?'_

She wasn't really sure where she was headed, but it didn't matter all that much to her, to be honest. She couldn't sleep, so she figured a nice stroll in the cool autumn air would do wonders for her. It had started with her writing a letter to her mom, sealing it, then lying in bed for a couple hours. She was restless though, and she had no idea why. So, instead of just lazing about or working on her novel, Lucy figured a walk was the right thing to do.

* * *

_**Send a message to the unborn child** _   
_**Keep your eyes open for a while** _   
_**In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else** _   
_**There's a piece of a puzzle known as life** _   
_**Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight** _

* * *

She jumped when a metal trash can fell out of an alley and its contents spilled onto the street a few feet in front of her.

"Wake up…"

"You're scaring us…"

"Wake up… Please…"

Lucy frowned when she heard several high-pitched voices talking over one another from the alley. She wanted to ignore it, because it could just be some trap - then again, that was bordering on paranoia on her part, so she pushed it to the side - but… They sounded really worried. She was a Fairy Tail mage. She couldn't just ignore someone that needed help. Without another thought on the matter, Lucy rushed into the mouth of the alley, jumping over the spilled garbage, then came to a screeching halt with wide eyes while she took in the scene.

"Bickslow," the five totems murmured worriedly as they rattled around on ground, surrounding the Seith mage that was slumped against a grime-encrusted wall. "Bickslow… Wake up… You're scaring us… Bickslow…"

Lucy found her feet moving before she even realized what she was doing. She knew that name well enough, and the large shadow she was able to see at that previous distance had her blood running cold. If that was really Bickslow, then he just looked like some dark blob, and that could only mean that there was something seriously wrong. All thoughts of what happened the week before, how they'd fought against one another, or even that she'd been wondering where the Seith mage had disappeared to… All of it vanished. She was only concerned with finding out just what the hell was going on with the guy. He was still a member of Fairy Tail. He was still nakama. That was what mattered.

Lucy paused again and threw a hand over her mouth and nose when she was finally close enough to see him. And smell him. From several feet away. The scent of alcohol, day's worth of old sweat, and she really didn't want to know what else wafted up through the air and right into her sinuses. It had her stomach rolling and threatening to push her dinner right out into the alley.

His visor was missing, his eyes were closed and his jaw was slack. His hair was sticking up in every direction imaginable, while some sections were matted down on his sweat-covered forehead. He was still in the clothes he'd been wearing the last time she saw him - the same pinstriped top, epaulets, light blue skirt and dark blue pants, and pointed jester-like shoes - with the evidence of the damage he'd taken from Loke's Regulus attacks evident in the burnt and singed edges on the fabric. His green bracers were missing though, and his sleeves were rolled up. And that was when she saw it. Sticking out of his forearm was a needle, with the plunger almost completely depressed. "Oh my god," she whispered in horror.

* * *

_**What ever happened to the young man's heart  
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart** _

* * *

Lucy was trembling in fear by the time she was able to move again, but she stopped in an instant when the five totems she hadn't been able to see too well before shakily rose into the air, glowing a light green that she recognized. The light faded briefly and each of the five shook and dropped back to the ground before rising into the air again. "B-Bickslow?" she called out, putting her hands up in the air so he wouldn't think she was trying to attack him. "It's me, Lucy… C-Can you hear me?"

He was silent, and the longer she looked at him, the more she wondered if he was even still breathing. She watched closely, looking for any sign that his chest was rising and falling, and started to panic when she couldn't see anything. She moved forward again, and stopped when the totems flew in between her and Bickslow while they glowed even brighter. "Please," she said to the little wooden tiki faces. "Please, I just want to help. I'm Lucy. You remember me, right?" She didn't know if the souls inside of the totems were sentient in any way, but she had to hope that was the case, since they looked like they were just trying to protect the unconscious Seith mage.

The totems watched as the blonde lifted her right hand and showed them a light pink mark on the back of it. Fairy Tail. Just the like black mark on Bickslow's tongue. Papa hovered closer to her hand and looked from the mark to her face. "Lucy…" he muttered. He took in her wide brown eyes and blonde hair. "Lucy…" Guild mark. Blonde hair. Pink mark and brown eyes… "Cosplayer!" he shouted.

Lucy nodded quickly, her eyes widening when the green glow surrounding the little wooden totems went out and they dropped to the ground. She quickly closed the last foot or so of distance between herself and Bickslow, kneeling next to him and looking over his rumpled clothes and sweaty skin again. She needed to get the needle out of his arm, just in case something happened to push whatever the rest of that stuff inside of it was into him. She grimaced while looking around the alley, then grabbed a section of the light blue skirt Bickslow was wearing and tore a piece of it off. She wrapped the fabric around the needle, then slowly pulled it out of his arm, gagging slightly when she felt the smallest bit of resistance and watched the skin pulling along with the needle. "Sh-Shit… What do I do?" she whimpered, dropping the needle to the ground as the first tear trickled down her cheek.

She slowly brought a hand to his cheek, then pulled it back quickly when she felt just how hot his skin was. It was normal to feel that excess heat on someone like Natsu, since that was just his constant body temperature, but… Bickslow wasn't a Fire Dragon Slayer. He felt like he was burning up from the inside out. She didn't care about the fact that she could actually see just where she had touched his face by the small, finger-sized swipes of clean skin that were peeking through the layers of dirt and grime on him. "Wh-What am I… Oh god… B-Bickslow…"

Loke appeared not a moment later, his eyes hard and looking for some sort of danger. He'd sensed her distress from the Spirit world, and forced his gate open, hoping he would be able to get to Lucy in time like he had when she was fighting against Bickslow. His eyes honed in on the figure Lucy was crouching in front of, and his jaw dropped when he saw just who it was. And the needle on the ground. "You found him like this?" he asked carefully.

Lucy jumped and screamed in terror as she whirled around. She assumed that there was some unknown assailant behind her - call it her author's imagination, or the fact that one of her guildmates was in the process of overdosing on some unknown substance - but the voice was far too familiar. Her heart was thundering in her chest when she finally recognized Loke through her tears, and she nodded quickly. "L-Loke," she cried, "He's… H-He's burning up…"

Loke growled in frustration. He had never really been a huge fan of Bickslow's, and the fact that this guy had tried to hurt Lucy was very deeply ingrained in his memory. He personally didn't think they should help the Seith mage out, but he couldn't very well let the bastard die either. Especially not when Lucy was crying so much over the current state or their guildmate.  _'You're still part of Fairy Tail,'_ he reminded himself.  _'That means helping nakama when they need it. Putting disagreements to the side.'_ He might not like it, but Bickslow needed their help.

Loke watched Bickslow for only another moment, before kneeling next to Lucy. His nose scrunched in distaste at the smell coming from the guy, but he pushed past it and placed his fingers on Bickslow's throat to feel for a pulse. "Fuck," he whispered worriedly. It was weak. Way too weak. And with all of the clothing he was wearing it was too hard to see if he was breathing properly, if at all. He brought his fingers to Bickslow's chapped lips, and hardly felt warm air pushing past them. "Lucy, he needs to get to a hospital. Now. Help me lift him up and-"

Bickslow's totems lit up again and raised themselves into the air, pulling what magic they could from the unconscious mage. "We'll carry him," Papa said. "Cosplayer can come with us, and we'll fly over the buildings." There was a slight pause before he added, "But his magic might not hold out the whole way... It's very unstable right now."

Loke nodded quickly "I'll go to the hospital and tell them what's going on. Lucy, you can call Taurus if his magic gives out. How long until you can get him there?"

The totems shifted in the air slightly, then Papa said, "Ten minutes. We'll go as fast as possible."

"That should be enough time," Loke replied.

Just as Loke stood to leave, Lucy grabbed the sleeve of his suit jacket. "Loke," she said quickly, her brown eyes wide with worry, "D-Don't tell them who he is..."

"What?"

"No one really sees him without his helmet on, so... We'll keep it quiet for now. Okay?"

Loke let out a sigh and nodded. Because they were in Magnolia, he understood the need for some serious discretion. Bickslow wasn't entirely recognizable without his visor, simply because hardly anyone, including those in the guild, had seen him without it. Granted, his clothes alone would make his identity apparent to anyone in Fairy Tail, but there was only so much they could do. He would just have to tell the hospital staff that there was a John Doe coming in with what he understood to be a drug overdose. He disappeared just as Lucy had settled herself between Bickslow's spread legs and was pulling his arms up and over her shoulders. If it would only take ten minutes for the totems to fly them to the nearest hospital, then he had only a scant few seconds to spare in the Spirit World before opening his gate again. This would definitely take a toll on Lucy's magic, but he already knew the sweet blonde would gladly pass out just to help out a guildmate.

Two seconds went by - which was more like three minutes in Earthland - as his gate closed and reopened, then Loke passed through to the lobby of Magnolia General Hospital's Emergency Department. He ignored the odd stares of the patients that were waiting for treatment, and rushed over to the startled receptionist. "I need help," he said quickly. "There's someone being brought in for a drug overdose..."

"How long?" the nurse asked quickly.

"Ten minutes... I hope..." Bickslow didn't seem like he had much longer when Loke had left, and he could only hope that Lucy and those totems were able to get him to the hospital in time.  _'I might not like him, but he's still nakama. And this will kill Lucy if she isn't able to save him...'_

* * *

_**Everyone's pointing their fingers** _   
_**Always condemning me** _   
_**And nobody knows what I believe** _

* * *

Lucy grunted as she slowly leaned forward and tried to pull Bickslow along with her. His totems had arranged themselves into a small, circular platform instead of the long line that she had seen Bickslow use while he was flying on them. Now, it was just a matter of getting the very unconscious and  _extremely_  heavy mage onto them, then situating herself as well so they could get up into the air. It was taking way too long, that much she was sure of, but she just had no idea what else she could do to help move this along.

' _You could call Taurus, dumbass!'_ she mentally scolded herself. Then again, if she called him now just to help her get up onto the totems, and she needed him during the trip because of Bickslow's magic failing… Then she'd be shit out of luck. "Uh… Tot… Um… Babies?" she grunted, hissing in pain when she moved to her knees and felt the pavement scraping roughly over her bare skin.

"Cosplayer…"

"Any ideas on how I can lift him up? He's too heavy…" She watched as the totems hovered in place for a moment while she kept trying to pull the limp body away from the wall, and just when she got him to move forward a few inches, two totems shot forward and braced her shoulders before she could fall flat on her face.

The other three moved behind Bickslow and started pushing him forward once Lucy regained her balance, then all five reformed the small platform just behind them. "Ready," Papa called out.

Lucy gritted her teeth and slowly lowered herself and Bickslow to the totems, then readjusted his arms over her shoulders. This was definitely going to be the most uncomfortable ten minutes of her life, but it would be worth it as long as Bickslow pulled through.

"Pull his legs up, Cosplayer," Papa said gently. "We'll be going as fast as possible."

Lucy nodded, even though the little souls couldn't see it, then carefully hooked her arms around his legs and draped them over the tops of her thighs. All those piggy back rides she had been forced to give Natsu because of his motion sickness were finally coming in handy. She hunched over to make sure he would stay on, then took a deep, steadying breath. She glanced around the alley one last time, then quickly reached down and grabbed the needle from the ground where she'd dropped it. She had no clue what was in the thing, but the hospital would be able to figure it out. And that would definitely be helpful in properly treating him. If there was anything they could do, that is. "Um... Are you sure this is gonna work like this?" she asked warily.

Instead of a response, the totems lifted themselves, and their precious cargo, into the air. Once they were clear of the rooftop, Papa said, "... Maybe. Hold on tight, Cosplayer."

"Maybe?!" Lucy screeched. "And hold tight to wha- AHHHH!" Lucy's eyes watered as the totems bolted through the air at speeds she was definitely not used to. Not even Happy flew this fast the few times he'd carried her. She felt Bickslow slipping and leaned forward just a little more, wincing when the wooden totems dug painfully into her thighs.

Still, no matter how fast they flew, it didn't seem like they would get to the hospital soon enough. She didn't know a thing about Bickslow. Not who he really was, at least. The one time they'd interacted, he'd been her enemy, and it was only a week prior. What was she supposed to do if he didn't pull through? Obviously she would tell his team what happened, and Master Makarov, but… She just didn't want to think about that possibility. She couldn't.

What she also couldn't do was understand just why he'd been in that alley. Why he'd chosen to do something so destructive to himself. How could someone that's always smiling - from what she'd seen at the guild - do something like this? She wondered if maybe it had something to do with the Battle of Fairy Tail. If maybe Laxus was to blame for this happening to the Seith mage.

She wasn't sure how long they'd been in the air, flying high over rooftops on a direct path to Magnolia General Hospital, but the longer it took, the more worried she got. Bickslow's head lolled to heavily to one side, and she shivered when his lips brushed over her neck. He still smelled absolutely revolting right then, and she would definitely be taking a shower once she knew he was in the clear, but she wasn't able to feel even a single puff of hot air over her skin from him. Her hands tightened on his arms, a single thumb pressing to his pulse point in his wrist. His skin was still on fire, but she couldn't even feel his pulse. "B-Babies!"

"We know!" Papa shouted. "Faster!"

Lucy clamped her eyes shut and bit her lips when they picked up in speed again, and found herself hoping with everything she was worth that they would get to the hospital in time. Maybe it was her curiosity getting the better of her, or maybe it was just because she'd never considered it before, but Lucy wanted to know who Bickslow really was. She wanted to have a chance to actually talk to him, have a normal conversation - or as normal as it could get with the man - and find out just one thing that no one else knew about him. Or even something she personally hadn't known before. Just one.

Like… His favorite color. Something stupid, and insignificant. But something that was important to the man whose life she was trying to save.

* * *

_**And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45,** _   
_**Swimming through the ashes of another life** _

* * *

She screamed when they started plummeting through the air, and she was able to feel the totems starting to separate from their bound places beneath her.  _'Oh god. We're dead meat!'_ Each of them slowly slid out from beneath her and Bickslow, and Lucy found herself staring at the quickly approaching ground in horror. She felt her previously forgotten tears coming back full force and closed her eyes when she couldn't bear to see what was coming any longer. She couldn't look death in the face this way. Not when it was going to be a sidewalk that did her in. The thought of trying to rotate so Bickslow was the one that hit the ground first didn't even cross her mind. She simply gripped his arms as tightly as she could manage to make sure she didn't lose him.

Lucy grunted when the totems zoomed through the air and caught her, and whimpered when her eyes opened to see that she and Bickslow were only a few feet from the ground. They didn't stop moving though, rising into the air again when her and Bickslow's shoes were dragging on the concrete. She could already feel the bruise coming in from where they'd collided with her, running from between her breasts down the center of her stomach to her pelvis, but she couldn't find it in herself to care any longer.

"Sorry about that," the totems said.

Lucy gave a slightly hysterical, airy laugh and let her head hang limply. "I-It's fine," she whispered. "We'll get there in time."

She had to believe they would. There just wasn't any other option, as far as Lucy was concerned. Bickslow had to make it through this; otherwise, what was the point? Lucy didn't know anything about him, but she could tell that if he died from this… She would be devastated.

"We're here, Cosplayer," Papa said, the relief clear in his small, disembodied voice.

Lucy lifted her head and a wide smile broke out on her face when she saw Loke standing outside with a stretcher, several male nurses, and two doctors in scrubs and white labcoats. "Thank god," she breathed. "Bickslow… We're here… You're gonna be okay…"

Loke's eyes widened when he caught sight of Lucy and Bickslow flying in on the totems. Aside from the fact that the guy was lying completely on top of her, and looking like he was pinning her to the little blocks of wood, she looked relieved and terrified and like she was about to really break down any second. The totems came to a stop right in front of the stretcher, and Loke watched as the nurses moved to quickly transfer Bickslow's unconscious body from on top of Lucy to the mobile bed. They wheeled him inside instantly, with one doctor following behind them and barking out orders, leaving Lucy shakily pushing herself up from the totems, Loke, and another doctor that had wanted to speak with the one that was going to be bringing their 'John Doe' in.

Lucy nearly collapsed when Loke pulled her from the totems, and gave him a watery smile while she leaned into his chest before looking at the doctor that had stayed outside. Mid-forties, salt-and-pepper hair that was spiked on the top and shaved close to his scalp on the sides, lightly tanned skin and laugh lines that crinkled the corners of his crystal blue eyes. A nametag that read, 'Dr. Jonathan Barrow, M.D.' Before he could saying anything, Lucy held out the needle that was still wrapped in the light blue fabric she'd torn from Bickslow's clothing. "I-I found this in his arm," she sniffled. "I-I don't… I don't know how m-much he took… O-Or what it is…"

Doctor Barrow raised an eyebrow at the blonde woman, then carefully took the needle from her. He looked at the liquid in the cylinder and shook his head sadly. "Clear," he mumbled. "High body temp… Methamphetamine, most likely."

Lucy gasped and threw a hand over her mouth, feeling Loke give her shoulders a light, reassuring squeeze when she started trembling.

"Do you know him, ma'am?" Dr. Barrow asked. When Lucy nodded and continued silently crying, he said, "We'll take good care of him. Please see the receptionist for any extra paperwork that your friend here hasn't already filled out. And contact his next of kin… Just in case."

"I-I don't…" Lucy whimpered, glancing at Bickslow's totems while they slowly hovered closer to her and Loke. "I don't know if he has any…"

"Well, we'll test this," Dr. Barrow said carefully as he looked at the needle again, "And make sure it's really meth, but… His chances aren't good." He paused and gave the young blonde a calculating look, then discreetly glanced at her arms to see if he could find any small puncture wounds on her as well. "How exactly do you know that man?"

Lucy sniffled and wiped her face roughly with one hand. "Doctor-patient confidentiality, right?" she whispered. When the doctor nodded, she lifted her right hand to her chest and gave him a meaningful look. The moment his eyes honed in on her bright pink guild mark, and flashed with recognition, she crossed her arms. "His name is Bickslow, and he's a member of Fairy Tail. No one's seen him in about a week. He was unconscious in an alley… I-I can call his team, but… Then people will know who he is…"

"And who might his team be, Miss…?"

"Lucy," she answered. "And it's the Raijinshuu." She nodded when Dr. Barrow's eyes bugged out of his head before he glanced at the needle in his hand in confusion again. "His guild mark is on his tongue, Doctor. Please… Please help him…"

"I'll do what I can, Miss Lucy," Dr. Barrow said quickly. "Please stay here until we have some news. I'll be sure his records remain as a John Doe for the time being."

"Thank you," Lucy whispered. She watched as the doctor rushed off, then sniffled one last time before burying her face in Loke's chest and crying her eyes out. "B-Babies…" she whimpered, turning slightly and opening her arm to pull all five totems to her.

Loke sighed when Lucy started crying even harder than before, and silently wrapped his arms around her. Normally, he would have made a joke or two about how she was finally willing to accept her own feelings for him, but… He could see and  _feel_  just how hard it was for her to hold on much longer. "Let it out, Lucy," he said tenderly. "He'll be okay…"

* * *

_**There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed  
Staring down the barrel of a .45** _


	3. The Patient

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Tool: The Patient

_**A groan of tedium escapes me,** _   
_**Startling the fearful.** _   
_**Is this a test? It has to be,** _   
_**Otherwise I can't go on.** _

* * *

After a good, long cry, Lucy pulled herself away from Loke's comforting embrace and wiped at her tear-stained cheeks with the back of her hand. She gave him a trembling smile when he pulled out a handkerchief for her, and gratefully used to it clean her face up a little more. "Th-Thanks, Loke," she whispered.

Loke smiled gently and brought his hand to her cheek, tenderly cupping it while he looked down at her puffy brown eyes. "I'd do anything for you, Lucy," he replied. "But we should get inside. There's still some paperwork to fill out."

Lucy sighed and nodded, then looked down at the totems still nestled in her arms. "Are you guys okay?"

Each of the five totems rotated slightly where they were nestled against her bosom. "As long as Bickslow is okay," Papa said softly, "Then so are we."

"And you'll know if something's happening to him?"

"To a point," Papa answered. "It is… Difficult to explain."

Lucy smiled in understanding. "Well, I'm guessing you'll want to wait with me until we can go see him?"

"Please," the totems whispered. They were pulled just a little closer to the blonde, and each of the five souls let out a contented hum.

Lucy and Loke turned to go into the hospital, and she kept her head down while he led her over to the receptionist that he'd been talking to before she arrived. "Katya," Loke said solemnly, "This is Lucy. She's the one that found him."

The nurse, a woman in her thirties with gentle eyes and a warm smile, looked over the blonde quickly. "Hello, Miss Lucy. We just need you to finish a few more forms, and then you can wait for some news. Doctor Barrow wanted me to tell you that he'll need someone to act as his proxy. Make any medical decisions in regards to his treatment, things like that."

Lucy frowned and shook her head quickly. "I-I can't do that… I mean, I know him but… Well, we're…" She paused when the totems twitched in her arms, looking down at them questioningly.

"No one knows about this," Papa whispered. "He didn't want his team knowing. Please… We'll help you. Please help him..."

Lucy frowned and shook her head again, then nibbled her lower lip in concentration. She didn't know anything about Bickslow. She didn't know if he had a history of drug use, or if he had any allergies. Most importantly, she didn't have a clue about what he would want to happen in a medical emergency. If given the choice between living and dying, she would choose life for him. If given the choice between losing an eye or losing his hearing, she didn't know what she'd do. She didn't know what  _he_ would do, so how could she be expected to make any choice with his best interests in mind?

Loke sighed and lightly nudged Lucy. When she turned her worried doe eyes up to him, he gave her an encouraging smile. "It's okay, Lucy. I'll help you too, alright? If you need some advice, you can call me and I'll come help you sort it out. We'll make sure he pulls through this."

"O-Okay," she whispered. She numbly took the clipboard from Nurse Katya, then let Loke lead her over to an uncomfortable blue chair set off to one side in a small waiting room designated for family and friends of patients. There were a few other people in the small waiting room, and all of them had the same spooked look on their faces. She couldn't really blame them though. She probably looked the same.

Lucy let out a shaky breath and started filling out the paperwork, looking at the areas that Loke had already completed. And just how much of it was left blank. "U-Um..."

Loke sighed softly and rubbed soothing circles on her back. Cancer and Aquarius had told him already how much Lucy hated hospitals, along with what had happened to Layla. "I filled out what I know about him, and left his name as a John Doe, Lucy," he whispered.

"But... You know more about Bi... I mean,  _him_  than I do..."

"We'll help," Bickslow's totems whispered from where they'd settled down on her lap.

"Right," Lucy sighed. "So... Allergies?"

Papa wiggled slightly, then hummed when Lucy moved the clipboard to pick him up. "Penicillin," he said softly, "Percocet, aspirin, peanuts, and daisies."

Lucy smiled and let out a soft giggle as she wrote everything down. She never would have pegged Bickslow for being allergic to daisies of all things. Then she frowned and looked at Loke. "Could you let Katya know? That might be important while he's in there." Not the daisies part, because she was sure the hospital wasn't going to try grinding them up into a paste and smearing it on him - because that would just be ridiculous - but the medications he couldn't have would definitely be important.

Loke blinked in surprise and nodded, then quickly stood to his feet and made his way over to the nurse. He didn't have much experience where Lucy was concerned, at least not like Aquarius, Cancer, or Crux. They were all used to how she worked, and how she could be freaking out inside but still have the forethought to mention some crucial piece of information. It was astounding, to say the least.

Lucy sighed when she looked at the blank medical history section. "Okay, babies. Medical history?"

Papa hummed for a second. "That... Is a very long list. There's not enough room on that paper." He paused, then added, "He goes by an alias when he's hospitalized for this. I can't remember what it is."

Lucy nodded, leaving the field blank. "Vaccines?"

"No."

* * *

_**Draining patience, drained vitality.  
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.** _

* * *

"... No?" Lucy asked slowly. "What do you mean, 'no'?"

Papa sighed. "He refuses to be vaccinated of his own free will. His previous hospitalizations, they usually do it while he's unconscious. When he wakes up, he'll give the doctor the alias he uses, and they'll be able to see when he was given any vaccines before. They were most likely updated last time he was in the hospital..."

"Why wouldn't he get them though?"

"He doesn't like hospitals. Or doctors."

"... Okay," Lucy sighed. She looked over the forms again, then frowned. "What's his date of birth?"

"October 15th," Papa answered, "X763."

Lucy wrote down the information, then paused and furrowed her brow. "But... That's..." Her eyes widened when Loke sat back down next to her, and she looked at the totems in her lap. "His birthday was... When they attacked the guild?"

"What?" Loke asked incredulously. He looked down at the forms, then over to Bickslow's totems. "You're kidding..."

"No. That is his birthday," Papa replied softly. "He has never celebrated it, and no one else knows when it is."

As Lucy finished filling out the rest of the paperwork, and signing an affidavit that named her as Bickslow's medical guardian for the duration of his stay in the hospital, she ended up finding out a little more about him. It wasn't much, but now she knew his allergies and how they affected him. Percocet made him itchy and dizzy. Aspirin made it hard for him to breathe. Penicillin sent him into anaphylactic shock. Peanuts made him break out in hives. And daisies… Well, they just made him sneeze.

She found out that he had just turned twenty-one.

She now knew that he'd been hospitalized for a meth overdose before - several times, actually - and that his normal emergency contact was none other than Laxus Dreyar.

The universe had a funny way of giving people what they wanted, that was for sure.

* * *

_**But I'm still right here** _   
_**Giving blood, keeping faith,** _   
_**And I'm still right here.** _

* * *

Lucy sat in the same little blue chair for three hours. She refused to move one inch, even when Loke handed the completed forms to the nurse and said that he needed to return to the Spirit World. She wasn't sure exactly what she was supposed to do in this situation. It just didn't feel right that she was the one sitting there, waiting to hear about whether or not Bickslow was going to pull through, if she'd been able to get him to the hospital in time, and that she was the one that had to make any decisions concerning his treatment.

The Raijinshuu were much closer to Bickslow than Lucy was. They should have been the ones in that waiting room. He was their teammate, after all. But… Bickslow's totems said that they didn't know about his addiction. She hadn't been able to get much of anything out of the one totem that normally spoke, and was only told that she had to talk to Bickslow about it when he was awake. But, did she really have a right to ask him anything about this?

Part of her said that she really didn't. It was Bickslow's life, and if that's what he chose to do with it, then who was she to stop him? But, there was a much larger part that drowned that out. It said that Bickslow was nakama. He was a guildmate. Family, even though they'd never really spoken to each other. He needed to have someone there that knew what was going on, and if he didn't want his team to know - for whatever reason, Lucy couldn't even begin to decipher - then a mild acquaintance was his best option.

She refused to judge him for this though. There had to be some reason that he was doing it; that was something she was sure of. Maybe it was just an addiction at this point, but it's not like the guy woke up one day and said to himself,  _"Y'know, meth sounds like a fucking blast. I'm gonna do that."_  That was just ridiculous. Maybe he didn't really have any reason to do it now aside from the fact that he couldn't get off of the stuff.

That was what addiction was, after all.

She was sure that Bickslow knew the stuff could kill him, and considering the fact that Papa - the name of the totem she'd been speaking to the entire time, and that she had finally learned after Loke disappeared - told her he'd been hospitalized for an overdose on multiple occasions, there was really hardly any evidence that pointed to Bickslow  _not_  knowing what the drug could do to him.

A glance at the clock had her worrying her lower lip. Four in the morning. She was all alone in the waiting room by that point. The other family members of patients had either been brought to the rooms their loved ones were staying in, or the person had been discharged and taken home. "Is it supposed to take this long, babies?" she whispered.

"No."

Lucy let out a shaky sigh and pulled the little wooden tiki dolls closer to her. It seemed they weren't going to use any more of Bickslow's magic for the time being, considering they'd been pulling from it to get him to the hospital. Now, they were stationary and only able to speak. Well, Papa spoke, and the others would occasionally echo his words or speak with him.

If it wasn't supposed to take this long, then just what the hell was going on? Why hadn't she heard anything yet? Even just an update about what they were doing to help him, or that there was some other emergency that had popped up and they were taking care of it. Anything.

And that, in and of itself, was weird for her. Lucy didn't know Bickslow. She had never really given the Seith mage a moment's thought before that night. After their fight the week prior, on what she now knew was his birthday, Bickslow hadn't really been on her mind all that much. Sure, she'd noticed that he wasn't in the guild with Freed and Evergreen, and she'd asked about him maybe twice in the past week, but aside from that… She had no connection to him whatsoever, with the exception of being in the same guild. And still… she couldn't just leave. It wasn't even about her legal obligation to him at that point - the one she'd agreed to by signing the affidavit that named her his medical proxy. Lucy needed to know that Bickslow was going to pull through. She was desperate to hear from the doctor that he was out of the woods, that they'd been able to counteract whatever the hell was in that needle, and that he just needed some bedrest before he could be on his way.

"Th-They'll come out soon," she whispered, gathering the totems into her arms when her leg started shaking nervously. "Someone will come out, a-and… He'll be okay…"

* * *

_**Wait it out.** _   
_**Gonna wait it out.** _   
_**Be patient.** _

* * *

"You're Lucy, right?"

Lucy looked up quickly, her eyes wide and hopeful, to see Nurse Katya standing just in front of her with two paper cups filled with steaming coffee. She nodded and watched as the older woman sighed and sat down next to her. "Did they-"

"Not yet, honey," Katya said gently. "I figured you might want some coffee. It's getting pretty late, and you look exhausted." She paused and laughed softly. "I think you might be so tired that you're talking to those little wood bits you've got there."

Lucy frowned and looked down at the totems in her arms, then back up to the nurse. She carefully settled the Bickslow's babies in her lap again, then gratefully accepted the cup of coffee and took a sip. It definitely wasn't the best brew she'd ever had, or what she would even  _try_  to choke down under normal circumstances, but Lucy was more than happy for the warmth and the caffeine. "These aren't just little wooden bits," she said softly. She gave Nurse Katya a small smile, then continued. "He's a mage, and these little guys… Well, they're his babies."

"Babies?" Katya laughed.

Lucy nodded and took another sip. "Lost souls, transferred to dolls. It's actually pretty amazing when you think about it, but yes. He calls them his babies." There was a long moment of silence, then Lucy visibly deflated. "Someone would… They'd tell me if something happened to him, right?"

Katya frowned and reached out to rub slow circles over the blonde's shoulders. "Of course they would, dear. Sometimes the treatment just takes a bit longer. How was he when you brought him in?"

"I-I could hardly feel his pulse," Lucy whispered. She wasn't aware of the fact that her hands had started shaking until one of the totems floated up and steadied her cup of coffee before pulling it away and sitting on the arm of her chair. "M-Maybe they're… c-cleaning him up right now… That's possible, right? He was… Well, he was wearing the clothes I saw him in a week ago… and… A-And he… He's gonna be okay, right?"

Katya was pulled from her nearly entranced state of watching the little wooden tiki that had floated all on its own when she heard the catch in Lucy's voice. She set her own cup of coffee down on the floor and quickly wrapped her arms around the girl just when the first sob filled the air. "Shh," she whispered tenderly. "It'll be okay, Lucy. I'm sure Dr. Barrow is just making sure that young man is stable before he comes out to see you. They could be getting him settled in his room right now."

"But… B-But what if he d-d-died?!" Lucy cried. She was more than confused by that point. She didn't know why all of this was making her cry. Except for the fact that Bickslow was someone she knew. She didn't want anyone she knew to die. No, what she wanted was for him to get better. To wake up. She wanted to get to know who he was, and why he'd done something like this. From what she could tell, Bickslow was a secretive person. If his team didn't know about the fact that he was doing something like this, then that could only mean he was dealing with it alone.

"If that had happened, then someone would have already been out here to let you know," Nurse Katya said softly.

"We would know if he died, Lucy," Papa said as he floated slowly into the crying blonde's shaking hands. "It's complicated, but… We would know."

The nurse's eyes widened when she heard a small voice coming from the totem. She may have lived in Magnolia for her entire life, but there was still tons that she didn't know about magic. It was always something that intrigued her, seeing just how many different things mages could do. Little flying tiki dolls that could talk was definitely something she'd never seen before.

"P-Promise?" Lucy stuttered.

"I promise," Papa answered.

Lucy sighed and pulled the little angry-faced totem to her chest, then leaned into the comforting embrace of the kind nurse whose arms were still wrapped around her. She wasn't sure how long she sat there and just let herself cry. She didn't even want to understand anything right then. Maybe it was because she really was tired, and just hadn't let herself think of the fact that she needed to sleep. Then again, Lucy already knew she wouldn't be able to get even one bit of shut-eye until she'd heard  _something_  from the doctor.

Luckily, she didn't have to wait much longer.

* * *

_**If there were no reward to reap,** _   
_**No loving embrace to see me through,** _   
_**This tedious path I've chosen here,** _   
_**I certainly would've walked away by now.** _   
_**Gonna wait it out.** _

* * *

Lucy's head shot up when she heard footsteps coming down the hall. Papa had already told her that Bickslow wouldn't wake up for at least twenty-four hours, that it was something that was completely normal when a person was coming down from meth. She didn't even consider that it would be Bickslow. After how she found him, and how weak his pulse was, she knew he wouldn't be up and about even if he  _wasn't_  coming down.

The doctor Lucy had spoken to, Dr. Barrow, rounded the corner, his eyes trained on the file in his hands. Lucy watched with bated breath as he came to stand in the center of the waiting room, then waited. And waited. Maybe she'd finally gone mental, and time had frozen completely. Maybe this was the moment where she lost her marbles, and she'd never find out just what had happened. Or maybe he was just too busy reading the file in his hands to realize that she was sitting right there and waiting for him to say something.

"Miss Lucy," Dr. Barrow said slowly, his eyes never leaving the file. He turned a page and frowned. "He's stable."

"Oh thank fucking god!" Lucy cried. She couldn't remember ever feeling such an intense amount of relief in her entire life, that was for sure.

Dr. Barrow jolted in surprise and looked at the blonde, then felt his jaw dropping when he took in her appearance. It had been clear earlier in the night that she'd been crying, but he hadn't expected her to still be at it. Then again, he wasn't exactly the most tactful doctor on the staff, so maybe he'd said something to bring the young woman to that state. "Is she…" He paused and looked at the nurse whose lips were pursed while she shook her head at him. "Did I say something wrong?" he whispered.

"Not  _wrong_ , per se," Katya sighed, "But… I'll talk to you about it later."

Dr. Barrow nodded, then looked at the file again before closing it and moving to stand in front of the woman who was still trying to compose herself. "Miss Lucy…"

"J-Just Lucy…"

"Lucy, then." He sighed and looked around the waiting room, wincing when he realized that she was the only one there. "It took longer than we had anticipated to clear his system," he began. "It's a good thing you brought that needle in, otherwise we would have only treated him for methamphetamine. From what the lab sent back, there was methamphetamine, heroin, cocaine, rohypnol, and phencyclidine - PCP - in the needle. Then there was the high level of alcohol in his system. He's very lucky that you were able to get him here when you did."

Lucy bit her lips and nodded quickly.

Dr. Barrow sighed softly, then took a seat next to the blonde. He gave Katya a nod, silently telling her that he needed to speak with Lucy alone, and waited until the nurse was back at the reception desk. "I will say that, while he's extremely lucky to be alive, there's no guarantee that he'll stay that way, Lucy." This was the part of his job that he always hated. Telling loved ones that the person they cared for was alive for the time being, and that they had to just 'wait and see' was always worse than giving them the news that there was nothing left to be done. At least in his eyes.

"Wh-What do you mean?" she asked.

"I mean just that. There's a very high chance of Bickslow having sustained brain damage from this. He's currently in a coma, and I can't say with any level of certainty that he'll wake up from it… Or that he'll want to, if the damage is bad enough."

"H-He's… in a coma?" Lucy whispered. "No… I mean… That… That can't be right!"

Dr. Barrow carefully held Lucy's trembling hands in his. "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but that's where we're at right now. I can take you up to his room if you'd like. As his proxy, you have the same rights as family, so visiting hours don't really apply to you."

Lucy looked down at the totems in her lap, then nodded slowly. "Yeah… His… His babies should be in the room with him…"

"I'm assuming you mean those?" the doctor asked as he gestured to the totems. When Lucy nodded, he let out a slow breath. "I should warn you though… He doesn't look good."

"How so?" Lucy asked, pulling her hands from the doctor's and slowly rising to her feet. Her whole body ached from just how long she'd been sitting in that chair, but if she was allowed to see Bickslow, and take the totems in to be with him, then that's exactly what she was going to do.

"Well, we cleaned him up, and… He's fairly emaciated," Dr. Barrow said as he started leading the blonde mage through the halls of the hospital. "I'm not sure what he looked like before this, but he definitely hasn't been eating. Aside from that, we had to intubate, and now he's hooked up to a ventilator to make sure he keeps breathing. While we were treating him, he had a mild seizure. It's not clear if the seizure itself was the cause of the coma, or if it was the drugs, but… In my professional opinion, it was most likely a combination of the two."

Lucy nodded, following Dr. Barrow up several flights of stairs until they were standing on the fourth floor of the hospital. She stared numbly at the dark oak door in front of her, watching as it slowly opened to reveal a dimly lit room. The doctor led her inside, and she felt her stomach drop when she saw Bickslow lying in the bed.

Tubes. Wires. Soft beeping. The compression of air as it was pushed through the ventilator at a steady pace. Hollow cheeks and dark circles under his eyes. Ashen skin. An IV in his hand, leading up to a bag filled with some clear liquid. His clothes had been removed, and a grey hospital gown was in their place. The blanket was pulled up to his waist with his arms lying on top of it. There were dozens of circular scars on his forearms that could seen from several feet away. His hair was freshly washed and dried, the blue mohawk and tufts above his ears slicked back.

This wasn't the powerful mage she'd fought against the week before. It wasn't how any twenty-one year old should look. Bickslow looked so frail right then. Lucy didn't want to believe that it was really him, but there was no denying it when all five of Bickslow's totems shot from her arms and flew through the air over to him. She sniffled softly when they settled themselves down on and around his pillow, each of the little wooden totems finding a free space among all the tubes and wires that were connected to the Seith mage. "What are his chances?" she whispered.

"It's too soon to tell," Dr. Barrow sighed. "We'll be monitoring him, and he's scheduled for some testing in the morning to make sure his brain is still functioning properly. Mostly reflexive movements, but… If there's enough of a reaction, then we'll know he's not brain-dead, and we'll work on keeping him healthy while his body tries to recuperate. A neurologist will be here to administer the tests, and she'll talk with you about what they'll be doing..."

Lucy slowly made her way over to the bed. She knew that she needed to listen to what the doctor was telling her, but she just couldn't. Not right then. She hesitantly reached out and paused with her hand hovering just above his own.

"There's been research that indicates coma patients are able to hear what's happening around them," the doctor said gently. "Sometimes, just feeling someone holding their hand is enough to help them realize that someone's here with them. It can help them wake up."

Lucy nodded and sniffled again, pulling her hand back to her side.

"The chair in the corner pulls out into a bed," he continued. "It's not the most comfortable, but it's nice enough. Especially when you're running on empty."

"Have you slept on one of them often?" Lucy asked while she looked around the room. It looked way too much like the room her mother had died in at first glance. That is, until she saw that the flowers were different. There was a lacrima television on the wall instead of a picture of a waterfall. The furniture was a light honey color instead of the deep cherry red she remembered.  _'It's just a hospital, Lucy… It's okay…'_

Dr. Barrow chuckled, gaining Lucy's attention. "Nearly every day, actually. I've considered replacing my bed at home with one just so my sleeping arrangements are consistent. But, my wife would probably hit me with a frying pan if I tried..."

Lucy's lips quirked minutely at that. "Thank you, doctor. For… Well, everything, I guess."

"Of course. Now, you should get some rest. The neurologist won't be in until ten, so you've got some time."

Lucy nodded and watched as he walked out of the room, then turned back to the bed. She was drained in a way she hadn't been in years. Not since her mother died. With the disappearance of the doctor, Lucy was left alone with only the sound of softly beeping machines and the ventilator's  _kssh-khaa_  with every breath it gave Bickslow. She carefully set her hand on top of his, hoping there would be just a single twitch of his fingers, anything to let her know that he was aware of her presence there. "You'll pull through this, Bickslow," she said softly. "And I'll be here when you wake up. Just don't give up, okay?"

She didn't get a response, and instead let her thumb glide over his hand for a moment before she moved to pull out the bed from the green chair Dr. Barrow had indicated before. She didn't care about the fact that her clothes were probably still dirty from getting Bickslow to the hospital. She just wanted to sleep.

Lucy wanted to go to sleep, and wake up the next morning in her own bed. She wanted this night to be a horrible dream. She wasn't holding out any hope for that, but… Well, but nothing. She knew it wasn't a dream, and that she would wake up to Bickslow lying in that bed. Dead to the world.

' _I'll have to call his team tomorrow… They need to know he's here…'_

* * *

_**If there were no desire to heal** _   
_**A damaged and broken man along** _   
_**This tedious path I've chosen here** _   
_**I certainly would've walked away by now.** _

* * *

Lucy was sitting in the chair by Bickslow's bed the next morning, freshly showered and in clean clothes, courtesy of Virgo, when Freed and Evergreen came rushing into the room. She paused in reading the pamphlet she'd been given by the hospital staff, tucking it into her bag so they wouldn't see what the contents were, then gave the two mages a small smile.

"Oh god… Bickslow…" Evergreen whispered.

Freed stared down at Bickslow in shock, pulling Evergreen into his arms when he heard her take a shaky breath. He looked over his friend quickly, then lifted his gaze to the blonde sitting on the opposite side of the bed. "What happened to him?"

Lucy sighed and looked down at her hands. She hated lying, but she had already promised Bickslow's totems that she wouldn't tell anyone the truth about how she'd found him. She would just have to do her best to avoid answering his team's questions directly, and hope she wouldn't be forced to outright lie. "Well, I found him unconscious and barely breathing in an alley," she said softly.

"When is he waking up?" Evergreen asked.

"I don't know. He's in a coma right now, and… The doctor said there might be brain damage."

"Brain damage! But… What caused this?"

Lucy let out a heavy breath and gently held Bickslow's hand, something that she'd found helped to comfort herself. It was strange that she could find any form of comfort from the Seith mage, and while holding his hand was definitely weird at first, she needed it. "The doctor says that he had a seizure, and… That might be what caused the coma."

Freed watched Lucy for a long moment. He could tell that she wasn't telling them everything, but she also seemed much more comfortable around Bickslow than he would have imagined. There was just something he was missing about all of this. "Is there anything else, Lucy?" he asked carefully.

Lucy nodded.  _'Time to deflect.'_ She gave Freed a small, trembling smile. "They did some testing earlier, and the neurologist says his brain is functioning. So… it's just a matter of time before he wakes up and we find out whether or not there was any serious damage. They're doing everything they can for him. And they'll be switching him over to one of those nose things for oxygen instead of having a tube down his throat..."

When Evergreen sighed in relief, Freed slowly loosened his grip around her shoulders. "Why is he listed as a John Doe?"

"Because we asked her to do it," Papa said from his spot next to Bickslow's ear. He'd talked with Lucy that morning, and tried to ease her fears concerning lying to Bickslow's team, but he could see that it was getting harder and harder for her to keep things from them. "We're in Magnolia, and we didn't want anyone to know he was here."

Freed sighed softly, then made his way over to Bickslow. He had seen the Seith mage in the hospital like this before, but Laxus had never told him just why it had happened. He just said that Bickslow had a medical condition that he didn't want people knowing about, because it wasn't something that they needed to worry over. Freed hadn't exactly agreed with that assessment, considering the fact that whatever that particular condition was… It was able to bring him to this state. Bickslow would disappear for periods of time, and none of them were ever able to get in contact with him. Then, Laxus would call himself and Evergreen and say that he found the Seith mage, or Bickslow would finally show up again. Whenever Laxus found him, Bickslow was in the hospital. Now that Laxus was gone… Freed needed to make sure they helped him with whatever his condition was. He needed to tell them about it, so that they could properly take care of him. Laxus had taken care of Bickslow, that much was obvious, and now the task fell to Freed.

Evergreen wiped her tears away, then stood next to Freed at Bickslow's side. "Well… Thanks for staying with him," she said softly. "But… You don't need to-"

"Evergreen," Freed said with a frown directed at the Fairy mage. She wasn't exactly the most tactful, and he didn't want Lucy to maintain the same view of them as the rest of the guild did. He really did appreciate her helping Bickslow, after all. "What she means to say is that we can take over his care from here. We will stay with him."

Lucy knew this was coming, and she still had no idea what to tell them. All she could do was tell them part of the truth. "Well, they needed a medical proxy for him," she said slowly, "So I can't really leave."

"You… what?" Evergreen asked incredulously. "You don't even know the first thing about Bickslow!"

* * *

_**And I still may... I still may.** _   
_**Be patient.** _   
_**I must keep reminding myself of this.** _

* * *

Lucy sighed and shook her head. "You're right. I really don't. But… His babies do, and they said they'll help me if I need it. Right now, it's just a matter of signing forms and letting them do the tests they need to - like this morning - but Papa and the others will be able to tell me if there's something Bickslow wouldn't agree to."

"You…" Evergreen blinked in surprise. "You know their names?" She knew just as well as Freed that Bickslow's totems were the ones that chose when a stranger learned their name. The Raijinshuu was the exception, since Bickslow trusted them enough to tell them the new names of his babies. The fact that Papa was talking to Lucy in this scenario wasn't all that surprising. He was the only one that would really talk around strangers of his own volition. The other four souls were a lot like children, and were extremely shy.

"Just Papa," Lucy answered. She looked over at the totems on the bed and gave them a small smile. "I'm sure the others will tell me their names eventually. Whenever they want to."

"Cosplayer… Cosplayer," the totems chirped softly, pulling a little laugh from the blonde.

Freed found himself staring at Lucy. He just couldn't help it. In all the time they had known Bickslow, he couldn't remember ever meeting someone that was so accepting of the souls that were part of his magic. It was clear Lucy knew that they were souls, but that was the part that had most people turning tail and running from the Seith mage. He just couldn't figure the blonde out, but he would be sure to add it to his list of things to do.

"Even if I wasn't his proxy," Lucy continued as she looked at the unconscious mage, "I still wouldn't leave. I want to know why this happened to him. And... If he'll let me... I want to help."

Evergreen well and truly gaped at the blonde. "But why? We tried to-"

"I know," Lucy answered. She turned her attention back to the remaining Raijinshuu members, and found them staring at her as though she'd lost her mind. She couldn't really blame them for being surprised though. It was definitely strange to see Freed with his mouth hanging open and his eyes bugging out, but she needed them to understand at least a small portion of why she wanted to stick around. Even if she couldn't tell them that Bickslow had overdosed, and that she wanted to help him get clean, she could at least do this much. "But I forgive you guys for that. I've seen both of you at the guild over the last week, and I can tell that you really do care about Fairy Tail. And maybe it was just that you cared about Laxus more, and agreed with him. That we weren't strong enough. Or maybe it was something different that made you agree to go along with his plan. Regardless of the reasoning, you three are still here, and I trust Master's judgment in letting you stay. Besides..."

Evergreen watched in awe as Lucy held Bickslow's hand in both of hers as she looked at the Seith mage again. No one, in all the time she had known him, had looked at him as though they really cared what happened to him. She didn't know much of anything about Lucy, aside from the fact that she was part of Natsu's team, and some new girl. Sure, she had noticed just how bright and bubbly the blonde was, how she was able to make others smile just a little bit brighter, but Evergreen had never known someone's eyes could hold so much affection for a person that was essentially a complete stranger. Someone who'd once been her enemy.

"You guys are still nakama," Lucy continued while she watched Bickslow's face for some sign that he could hear her. "I haven't been in the guild that long, but... You guys are like family to me. Even though we haven't ever talked to one another before, I still care about you. And I care about Bickslow. Ever since that day, after I fought him... I've been wanting to make sure he was alright." She wasn't sure if she was talking to Freed and Evergreen anymore, or just to the blue-and-black haired mage, but it didn't really matter either way. She would be telling the same thing to Bickslow when he was awake. "Fairy Tail takes care of one another. We're there for each other when it really matters, and we pick each other up when someone else falls. I found Bickslow nearly dead in an alley, wearing the same clothing he had on when I fought him last week. If that isn't a prime example of him needing a shoulder to lean on, then I don't know what is. I'm not saying that you won't be there for him, because I can tell that you guys really do care about your teammate. I'm just saying that I'd like to be there for him too. To be just one more person that wants to help him get through whatever this is, in any way I can."

Freed had finally composed himself and gotten his gawking under control by the end of Lucy's speech, but that work went right out the window when Evergreen rushed around the foot of Bickslow's bed and crushed the blonde to her in a strong hug. The Fairy mage was never much for hugging - or for crying, for that matter - but Lucy had gotten her to do both. Simultaneously. He watched carefully as the brunette broke down, and saw just how kind Lucy was when their eyes met. She was utterly sincere in what she'd told them, and when he saw her arms wrapping around Evergreen while moving so they could both sit comfortably in the large chair she was in, he knew that he would ensure Bickslow agreed to let her help. Laxus was gone, and now it fell to Freed to make sure the small family they had created within Fairy Tail didn't fall apart. They had only really had one another to lean on for support through the years, and Freed refused to let that be the case any longer. If the Raijinshuu was going to be a part of Fairy Tail without Laxus, then they needed to prove to everyone in the guild that they were sorry for what they'd done. And the best place to start was by accepting the assistance of a fellow guildmate in times of need.

All Freed could hope for at that point was that Bickslow would wake up. His first thought was that he should call Laxus and let the man know what was going on. But what could the lightning mage do? He had been kicked out of Fairy Tail, and it wasn't as though he would come rushing back just because Bickslow had been hospitalized.  _'If he's not awake in a month's time, then I'll call Laxus,'_ he thought. There was no reason to involve the blond… Yet.

* * *

_**And if there were no rewards to heal,** _   
_**No loving embrace to see me through** _   
_**This tedious path I've chosen here,** _   
_**I certainly would've walked away by now.** _   
_**And I still may.** _   
_**Gonna wait it out.** _

__


	4. Dark On Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Starset: Dark On Me

_**There's no hate,** _   
_**There's no love** _   
_**Only dark skies that hang above** _

* * *

His eyes were closed for far too long. Bickslow knew that he needed to pick himself up and go somewhere. He needed to do  _something_ , he just wasn't sure what. Not yet. Especially not with just how fucking comfortable he was. He could honestly just lie there forever. He couldn't remember ever feeling this comfortable before.

' _Especially not when I was living at back with Mom and Dad…'_  he thought. He frowned at that. Bickslow did everything he could to make sure he never thought about them. About the ones that had abandoned him in more ways than one. They ruined him.

Maybe he was always messed up though. Maybe he was always crazy. Always a little off-kilter. Insane.  _'No wonder I was drugged up all the time… I need it…'_  And he did. It didn't matter if it was the pills or a needle. He needed it to keep everything locked away. If he didn't have that, then he was lost. He couldn't handle this on his own.

Muffled, muddy voices surrounded him, and Bickslow's eyes opened to a wall of dark grey clouds. He couldn't move though. Every time he tried to push the clouds away, to find out who was on the other side of them, he'd feel as though he was just exhausting himself faster. "Babies?" he called out.

No answer.

"BABIES!" he screamed, his voice echoing off into the distance even though his mouth didn't move. He tried wiggling his toes. His fingers. Scrunching his nose. Anything he could think of to make himself move. That's why it was so exhausting. He was fighting against something that held him in place.

" _... To pass the time… Reading… him…"_

Bickslow took a slow breath, then another. He needed the clouds to go away. He wanted to know where he'd ended up, because the last thing he remembered was…

Laxus. Kicked out of the guild. Leaving him behind forever. Bickslow knew what happened. Sort of. He'd been high as hell when they attacked the guild, when he lost to that Cosplayer girl. Laxus had been kicked out and left. Then Bickslow started using even more.

He didn't need anyone else if Laxus was going to ditch him, and he'd been so determined to make the pain go away that he hadn't cared what the hell he was doing anymore. Bickslow had lost count of how much he was taking in. He didn't pay attention to who he was with, or whether or not he was having sex with someone. The pain hadn't gone away at all. It only got worse the longer he was in that shooting gallery with the rest of the speed freaks.

It was just a blur after that. There wasn't anything else he could remember. But… Why couldn't he remember? Where did it all go? Maybe… Maybe he didn't need to remember. Not now. Maybe he'd finally gotten his wish. He was long gone, and he didn't have to feel the pain anymore. He didn't have to hear those voices and see the shadows moving in the corners of his vision. He didn't need to remember that Laxus had left him behind.

He didn't need to think about his parents, his childhood, his fears, his weakness. There was no more Laxus or abandonment. No more drugs that would never let him be. No more crawling skin and insomnia and paranoia. No allergies. There was nothing here. He was all alone now, alone to think and exist in some space he'd never known existed. Just a void, just where he'd always wanted to be.

" _Chapter One. Runic barriers can be…"_  It was a woman's voice. Muffled by the clouds rolling around him.  _"... Holding the pen… perfect counterbalance… fulcrum…"_

Bickslow wanted her to shut up. He didn't want to hear some boring shit that Freed would read. Then again… What if this wasn't just some weird limbo place? What if he was actually in hell?  _'Oh god,'_ he thought worriedly,  _'Freed's become a woman, and now he's reading to me… No! Why me?!"_ It was hell. The voice kept going and going and going, and there was nothing Bickslow could do to stop it. He screamed in frustration, but his own voice was swallowed whole by the miasmic grey masses.

If it was hell, then he definitely deserved it. He couldn't really fight that. He'd never been particularly religious, but he knew what those people said about when you die. They didn't really know what it was like in heaven or hell, but the image of fire and brimstone was a pretty common assumption. So, maybe they were wrong. Maybe it was all grey clouds in hell. Grey clouds and some shit that would torment you for all of eternity. Like a woman reading about runes.

Her voice faded into nothingness just when Bickslow was ready to start fighting with everything he was worth to break through the clouds. Still, he was absolutely exhausted. It's not like he could move anyway, so he figured his best option was to just get some sleep.  _'Kinda funny… I couldn't sleep before…'_ he thought as his eyes drifted closed again.

* * *

_**I call your name as I walk alone  
Send a signal to guide me home** _

* * *

"No, Erza," Lucy sighed as she looked at the lacrima the hospital had given her. "I'm fine. I wasn't put in the hospital for getting hurt."

Concerned brown eyes framed by red bangs looked back at her, Erza's usually stern expression softening. "Then why are you there, Lucy?" she asked gently.

Lucy nibbled her lower lip and looked at the Seith mage lying on the bed. Bickslow's babies had asked her not to tell anyone what was going on, and she'd already kept it from his team. She knew that he wouldn't want all of Fairy Tail knowing he was in the hospital, and Erza would most likely ask more questions if she found out that Lucy was sitting with Bickslow, of all people. Stars forbid if the Requip mage came down to the hospital herself, because then she would see him like this. Too thin, in a coma, dark circles under his eyes. The breathing tube down his throat had already been switched out while Freed and Evergreen were there earlier in the day, and now that visiting hours were over, Lucy was alone with Bickslow and his babies. He looked a little better, but she'd promised to keep this a secret. "I'm acting as a medical proxy for a friend," Lucy answered when she looked at the lacrima again.

"That is very kind of you, Lucy," Erza said with an understanding smile. "But who is this person?"

Lucy curled up on the little pull-out bed. "That's my secret, Erza," she giggled. "He's just a friend that doesn't really have anyone else to look after him right now."

"A man?"

Lucy nodded. "He's in a coma. I… I want to be here when he wakes up, and help him if he'll let me." She looked up at the totems when they started floating in the air and got ready to fly over to her, then put up a single finger to silently tell them to hold on. If Erza saw them, then she would know the mystery man in a coma was Bickslow, or at least that he was somewhere near her. "Erza, the doctor just came in. I'm gonna let you go, alright?"

"Of course, Lucy," Erza nodded solemnly. "Please, let me know if there's anything you need. Is your rent coming up soon?"

Lucy's eyes went wide at that. "Shit… Yes! Oh god, I-"

"It's alright," Erza laughed softly. "I will gather Natsu and Gray tomorrow, and we'll take a mission to pay your rent while you're in the hospital."

"Oh, Erza, you guys don't have to do that!"

"Nonsense," Erza replied with a dismissive wave of her gauntlet-free hand - considering it was nighttime and she was already sitting in her bed back at Fairy Hills. "You can't very well leave if you're a medical proxy, and I'm sure Natsu's eating habits have dipped into the money you would have used for rent."

"W-Well, yeah, but-" Lucy sighed when Erza raised an eyebrow at her.

"Then we will ensure your rent is paid, and you can focus on supporting your friend through this difficult time," Erza said gently.

"Okay," Lucy whispered uncomfortably. She didn't like depending on anyone else, but there was no way she would be able to go on a job to get her rent money. Especially not after she'd told Freed and Evergreen that she wasn't going to leave. She would just have to suck it up this time around. "Thanks, Erza. I'll call you when I know something more, alright?"

"Of course," Erza replied. "Goodnight, Lucy."

"Night, Erza." Lucy smiled as the little orb went dark, then let out a heavy sigh as she set the lacrima on the small table next to her. "Babies?"

The small wooden totems floated over to the blonde, nuzzling her stomach and neck tenderly. "Cosplayer…"

"Is Bickslow going to be okay?" she whispered. "Can… Can you tell if he's alright?"

The totems were silent for a time before Papa answered for them. "We can tell that he's alive, and that his magic is stable. But we can't hear him…"

"Hear him?" Lucy asked.

The totems bobbed, their version of a nod, against her. "Yes," Papa replied. "We can speak telepathically with Bickslow, and we've been trying to talk to him but there's no response. His magic allows us to move and speak freely, but there seems to be something blocking our contact with him."

"Do you think he's trying to talk to you guys?" she whispered.

"We don't know," the totems answered sadly.

Papa moved away from the others and floated back over to the hospital bed. He lightly brushed over Bickslow's ashen cheek as he whispered, "Bickslow… We're here with you. Please… Just talk to us…" After waiting to see if there was any response, even just a small whisper, he silently added,  _"We're worried about you, Bickslow. Please come back to us…"_

Lucy smiled sadly when Papa floated back over to her, pulling him and the other four totems closer while she laid down beneath the blanket the hospital gave her. "He's gonna be okay, babies," she whispered. "He's probably just getting some much needed rest."

The totems hummed sadly, each of the five little souls taking comfort from the blonde while they worried over their best friend and surrogate father. They didn't know what they would do if he never woke up, but they all had to believe that it would happen, that they would be with Bickslow again. Until then, they would sit by his side with Lucy and give him all the support he needed.  _"Bickslow… Come back to us… We miss you…"_

* * *

_**Light the night up, you're my dark star  
And now you're falling away** _

* * *

He woke up to those same grey clouds, still bound in place, still just as dull. Bickslow really wanted his babies though. He missed them something fierce.  _'I hope they're okay…'_  Papa would take care of the others, that much he knew, but they'd be so damn lost without him. In more than just the sense that they were lost souls again. If he was dead, then they'd be able to get out of the little totems and float around until they found another Seith mage that could help them move on. Nab could probably do it, even though he was all about animal possession instead of humans. Well, Bickslow  _hoped_  it was transferrable that way. He didn't really know.

"Papa, if you can hear me… Go find Nab. He'll help you move on, okay?" If Nab couldn't do it, then he'd keep them company until he found someone who could get the job done. His babies deserved to be happy now. After years spent with his pathetic ass, they should have a chance at being set free. Papa especially. Fifteen years they'd been together. Fifteen whole years of that poor soul being stuck with someone like him. Someone that couldn't stop himself from doing meth, of all things.

"No wonder I'm dead… I'm a fucking idiot…" He really was. Papa had told him countless times just how he'd died, that it was a meth overdose that did his ass in. Bickslow knew the risks, he knew the consequences. He'd been bailed out of jail for doing something stupid while he was high. He'd been hospitalized too many times to count because he always went a little crazy and nearly overdosed. He was just an all or nothing kind of guy when he was high off his ass.

" _There was… old lady who swallowed a spider… wriggled and wiggled and tiggled inside her… Catch the fly… Perhaps she'll die!"_

Bickslow would have shaken his head if he could. "What the fuck, lady?" he asked. Why was it he got the tormentor that just didn't make sense? Was that what this was supposed to be? He was in hell with someone that was crazier than he was, just trying to drive him over the deep end completely? For all of eternity?

He didn't want any of this. What he wanted was to be left alone. Okay, and he wanted his babies. That was selfish though. His babies were probably glad he was gone. Now they didn't have to deal with his bullshit. With trying to make him stop shooting up. They didn't have to watch him compulsively do shit. No more dragging his mostly unconscious self to Laxus so he could sleep in a warm, safe place and wouldn't drown in his own vomit or something else. No more moving from place to place when he got evicted. No fighting to get his needles away until he locked them in place with his magic. They didn't have to deal with any of it.

Bickslow really didn't either. He wasn't coming down. He was going through withdrawal. He was just weightless and… okay, a little cold, but still. He didn't feel a whole lot of anything now. He wasn't sad anymore. Sure, he was alone, but this kind of alone was nice. Maybe because it was on his own terms. He'd done this himself, because  _he_  wanted to leave everything else behind. Not just Laxus or Fairy Tail or Freed or Evergreen. Not just Fiore; he'd moved to another country before, so he could have done it again if he needed to. No, he'd wanted to leave Earthland. Bickslow wanted it all to go away.

' _It was called a Suicide… I remember now…'_  And he did. It was just a sliver of a memory, a blurry image that broke up the clouds of grey in front of him. Meeting up with his dealer, saying he was done with everything. Carrying his babies in his pocket because they kept trying to make him stop. He didn't give a shit what was in it, and the dealer didn't tell him. If the thing did its job - like he knew it had - then it wouldn't matter what it was that finally killed him. He'd wanted that.

He'd wanted his past to go away. All of it. Even knowing Laxus and the Raijinshuu. He just couldn't handle this shit anymore, and the drugs weren't doing anything to help. So, that was that. Maybe it was the coward's way out, but what other choice did he have? No one cared about him. Maybe Laxus had never really cared either.

Was that it? Laxus hadn't actually cared? He'd just wanted to get Bickslow clean because he was weak? Bickslow knew he was weak, but that thought… That another person he'd cared about had that same view of him… It hurt. It more than hurt. It made his chest ache so badly he thought his heart would burst. Sadness wasn't supposed to be there anymore. He was supposed to be past it! He wasn't supposed to hurt anymore! That was the whole point of being dead in the first place!

" _I don't think Alice in Wonderland will help… Probably think you've gone batshit crazy…"_

Well, that was the understatement of the century. Bickslow knew he was crazy. Well, maybe not  _actually_  crazy, but everyone saw him that way. No one had ever really cared about who he was. Not who he really was, anyway. Everyone in Fiore only knew him as some looney tune pervert, but that was just how he acted while he was high. It made things easier. It made him confident. He didn't care if people thought that about him, because it was a whole lot better than what they'd see if he wasn't. If they saw him at all.

Everyone ignored you when you were quiet. When you were shy. When you were smart, but didn't know how to talk to other people without feeling like an outcast. When he'd met Freed, he thought maybe the Rune mage would be someone he could talk to more easily, but… He wasn't. Freed was insanely intelligent, much more than Bickslow had ever been. It was intimidating, thinking that someone like that would want to talk to him. But, Freed never wanted to talk to him about anything more than missions. He never even tried.

The drugs made him outgoing. They made him laugh when he would have been curled up in a ball and depressed as hell. They kept any nightmares away, because he was either awake for days on end, or so dead to the world that he didn't even dream. All or nothing, that's how it had to be. Anything else was just… Unbearable.

Bickslow looked around at the grey clouds again, and found tears in his eyes. He didn't want to be here anymore. He wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere happy and safe and warm. It wasn't fair. Why couldn't he just have that once? Just one small taste of something that made him really happy? Not the drugs. He hated how he felt when he came down once his stash ran out, and he knew they didn't make him happy. But, he wanted that. Real happiness. Not grey clouds and some woman's voice that just kept fading in and out whenever she damn well chose to let him hear her.

He wanted someone to talk to. It was so fucking  _lonely_  in there. His babies talked to him, they listened to him when he couldn't sleep and even told him stories when he tried to go to sleep on his own.  _'I'm such a fuck-up…'_

* * *

_**But I found in you what was lost in me** _   
_**In a world so cold and empty** _   
_**I could lie awake just to watch you breathe** _   
_**In the dead of night, you went dark on me** _

* * *

"How's he doing today?" Evergreen asked softly, taking a seat next to Lucy on the chair. She'd never thought the young blonde would be someone that she would lean on in times of need, but she'd been wrong. Even Freed had seen how vigilant Lucy was as she stayed by Bickslow's side day in and day out. They wanted to be the ones that stayed with him, but it was probably better this way.

Lucy leaned her head on the Fairy mage's shoulder while Freed sat on another chair on the other side of the bed, his hands clasped together over Bickslow's covered hand. She'd made sure Bickslow's arms were covered every morning before his team could show up so they couldn't see the scarred track marks on him, using the excuse that his hands got really cold if they weren't covered. And they really did, just not as often as she made it out to be. Since he was getting his nourishment from an intravenous needle, it definitely made him colder. And the doctor had told her to keep an eye on any signs that he might be cold - like his fingers being a little chilly, or even his toes and feet - because there was no way for Bickslow to let them know he needed an extra blanket. "He's the same," Lucy said gently. "The nurse is coming in soon to help me roll him onto his side for a little while."

"Why?" Evergreen asked.

Freed cleared the thickness from his throat and said, "Because a common complication of comas is clotting and bedsores from lying in one position." He looked at Lucy for a moment, watching as she tenderly held the Fairy mage. "Have they been performing any sort of physical therapy?"

Lucy nodded. "After lunch," she answered. "I told the doctor that I'd do it so they could help the other patients that really needed it. A therapist came in first thing this morning and walked me through it, and his babies said they'll help me move his arms and legs if I can't manage on my own."

"Help Cosplayer," the totems hummed softly from where they sat on the bed. "Help Bickslow."

Evergreen smiled at the little tiki-faced baubles. She'd always thought they were odd little things, and had assumed for the some time that they didn't have minds of their own. That is, until her heel had broken during a fight on her first mission with the Raijinshuu, and they flew over to help block an attack that was coming right for her without Bickslow saying anything to them. He hadn't even known where they'd rushed off to, and showed up a few minutes later to find the totems helping her limp across the field to meet up with the group.

#

" _I was wondering where you rushed off to, babies," Bickslow laughed._

" _Help Evergreen!" they chirped._

_Bickslow's tongue lolled from his mouth when she huffed indignantly. "That's why you shouldn't wear heels, Ever. They make your ass look great, but they're shit for fights."_

" _I can fight just fine in them!" she shouted, stomping her foot for effect only to stumble when her injured ankle buckled. She blinked in surprise when she found Bickslow's arms around her before she could hit the ground. After a moment, she huffed and crossed her arms while looking away. "And stop staring at my butt!"_

" _C'mon, let's get you to Freed," Bickslow whispered with a soft smile. "He'll fix you up real good."_

_Evergreen nodded as he pulled her up to stand, then squawked when she was lifted in the air on the four totems that had made a platform for her to sit on. "Bickslow! Put me down!"_

_He cackled. "I didn't do that! My babies wanna help!"_

" _Help Evergreen!" they chirped happily, moving to float next to the Seith mage as they went in search of Freed. "Flying fairy!"_

" _Oh, that'd be fucking awesome!" Bickslow grinned. "Ever, you should get wings, so you can fly like a fairy!"_

_Evergreen laughed when Bickslow threw his arms out to his sides and started running around her and the totems in a wide circle, pretending to fly. "You're right! I'll be the best fairy ever!"_

" _The Queen of the Fairies!" Bickslow laughed._

" _Fairy Queen! Fairy Queen!" the totems giggled._

#

"And you're sure there's nothing we can do to help?" Freed asked.

Lucy gave the Rune mage a sweet smile. "You're already doing it." When he sat in silence - what she had realized was his way of expressing confusion, or that he was thinking - Lucy added, "Just being here helps, Freed. Talking to him, staying by his side. I don't know if he can hear us, but the doctor says that it might help him wake up. I've been doing some research, and there are tons coma patients that have said they were able to hear some of what was going on around them. Not all of them, but a fair amount. So, it's worth a shot."

Freed nodded slowly as he looked at Bickslow's face again. He truly missed his teammate. The Seith mage was their little group's barrel of energy and good times. Always with a smile on his face. Laxus was brooding, Evergreen was haughty, Freed was stoic, but Bickslow... He was happy. He laughed and made jokes, even though they were usually so perverse that Freed found himself dabbing at his nose to make sure he hadn't started bleeding at an inopportune time. Bickslow was a prankster, and he was outgoing. He was everything the rest of their group wasn't.

* * *

_**You're the cause,** _   
_**The antidote** _   
_**The sinking ship that I could not let go** _

* * *

Laxus always seemed so angry and arrogant because he wasn't great at interacting with others. He was socially awkward, and just didn't want others to know about it.

Evergreen seemed haughty and snobbish because she'd never had friends before joining the Raijinshuu. She just didn't know how to make friends, and was extraordinarily insecure.

Freed always found himself lost in books, always thinking about something. He didn't know how to start a conversation with someone, because he had a tendency to make others feel uncomfortable or alienated.

But Bickslow... He was their glue. The Seith mage was the first one to team up with Laxus, and he'd been the one to rope Freed and then Evergreen into making an actual team with the blond. He was the one that brought them all together, not Laxus. Not like everyone thought. Bickslow brought them together, and he kept them that way.

When Laxus was having a bad day, Bickslow was there to brighten it up and help the Slayer not think about his father or family. He would make a fool of himself, and Laxus would roll his eyes, but Freed saw the small smirk he fought to suppress.

When Evergreen found herself in tears because she just wanted a girl to spend time with, Bickslow - being the crazy person he was - would show up in a dress and go out shopping with the Fairy mage. Heels and makeup, the works. Even a high pitched voice. She yelled at Bickslow about making a scene, but she wouldn't be upset with him. Not really.

When Freed was feeling lonely, when he just wanted someone to talk to, Bickslow was there. Sure, Freed still didn't talk for the most part, unless he was gently scolding the Seith mage and trying to instruct him on proper etiquette. But Bickslow always had a way of making Freed feel more connected to everyone. He felt like he was truly part of their team, their family.

And now, when Bickslow needed someone, the Rune mage had no idea what to do. He didn't know what was wrong with his friend - more accurately, what had brought about his current state of unconsciousness. He still refused to contact Laxus to find out what Bickslow's medical condition was - which had been the reason for past hospitalizations - and how it was being treated. Or if there were limitations that he and Evergreen weren't aware of, but needed to know about now that Laxus was gone. He had told himself that Bickslow had one month to wake up before he called Laxus. He would follow that rule. He had to.

Freed needed to give Bickslow a chance to pull through this. To wake up and explain what had happened to him. Why he had disappeared. Where he'd gone. Why he was found in an alley, of all places. Was the seizure he had during treatment the cause of this? Was he possibly epileptic, and just didn't want anyone to know? Freed knew he wouldn't have judged the Seith mage for it. A medical condition, and the limits placed on a person to ensure they stayed healthy, were important. They weren't something to be ashamed of.

The Raijinshuu was an odd bunch, with Bickslow at the heart of their oddities. But they worked. They worked because the Seith mage made them all feel normal. Accepted. Bickslow showed each of them in his own way that it was fine to be different, that it didn't matter what others thought about who they were, or how strange they were, because as long as you accepted yourself - quirks and all - then you were fine.

Freed accepted Bickslow, as the Seith mage accepted him. He didn't want his friend to be afraid to tell them what was going on. So all he could do was sit and wait until the man woke up. Then, hopefully, Freed would find the words to tell him just that.

* * *

_**You led my way then disappeared  
How could you just walk away and leave me here?** _

* * *

Laxus looked up at the clouds through the tree canopy, the fire by his side long since doused. He couldn't help but think about everything that had transpired. Every mistake he'd made. How could he have thought that his guild, the guild that his great grandfather had helped build from nothing, was weak? Fairy Tail had never been anything but strong. Resilient. They were fighters, each in their own right.

Sure, not everyone had the strongest magic. They weren't all powerhouses with tons of melee experience. His own team was a perfect example of people having certain weaknesses, and others joining together to compensate for that.

Laxus was skilled at melee, and his ranged attacks weren't half bad. But he'd also spent so much time perfecting it that it probably wasn't healthy. His regular lightning magic was at a level that he was sure surpassed most, but his Dragon Slayer magic… That was lacking. He never faced enemies that really warranted the extra magic output, and he'd gotten cocky.

Freed was a support mage. His runes took time to set up, even though he was insanely fast. He needed the extra time that the group provided to make barriers that minimized damage to their surroundings, to create rules that worked in their favor. He was the brain while Laxus was the muscle.

Evergreen was their femme fatale. Everyone always went after her, because she was a woman, and then they'd end up being turned to stone. She had agility that Laxus had always admired. How else could she possibly manage to fight in those ridiculous heels she refused to take off?

But it was Bickslow that always impressed him the most. He was absolute shit when someone got too close, but he could take a punch like no other. His focus had always been on ranged attacks, sneak attacks, and acrobatics. It didn't matter what happened in a fight, Bickslow found a way to get out of the thick of it and regroup, get himself to higher ground where he had the advantage, then lay waste to their enemies with his totems in scores of attacks that they never saw coming.

Laxus sighed and ran a hand through his hair before tucking it behind his head. He hoped Freed and Evergreen were taking care of Bickslow. The guy was ten kinds of fucked up, and he really needed to have a good support system. Laxus alone wasn't enough, and he knew that now.

Maybe he should have told his grandfather what was going on with the Seith mage before he left, that he'd been addicted to meth since before he joined the guild and had struggled for the past six years trying to get the fuck off of it. He should have told someone. Someone that he could trust.

"Gramps would have helped him," he whispered sadly to the trees. He knew that. He'd always known that. The only reason he told Bickslow any differently all those years ago was because he wanted to be the one that helped his friend. He didn't want his grandfather's help. Laxus wanted to prove that he could be the one someone could lean on, without looking to others or depending on his grandfather to get through it. Only someone that was really powerful, really strong, and a great shoulder to lean on could get someone off of something like meth. That's what Laxus had wanted to do for Bickslow. Yeah, he wanted to do it for himself, but his true intentions had always been the Seith mage's health. He didn't know anything about Bickslow's past, aside from the fact that he'd run away from home in another country and came to Fiore. To Fairy Tail. That had been four years ago...

#

_Laxus' eyes were wide as he looked at the guild's newest member, seeing the needle moving in slow motion as it descended toward his forearm. He rushed forward, as fast as lightning even though he didn't use his magic, and knocked the needle to the ground. A low grunt left him when he took an elbow to the gut, but the nineteen-year-old Lightning Slayer still found it in himself to wrap his arms around Bickslow and hold him down._

" _Let go, asshole!" Bickslow shouted frantically. "I-I need it! Let the fuck go!"_

" _What the fuck are you doing?!" Laxus shouted back, gritting his teeth when Bickslow bit his arm._

" _Babies! Help me!"_

_Laxus' head shot up to search for the three totems that hovered around Bickslow all the time, wondering if they were really going to attack him._

" _No." The totems lowered to the ground, sitting between two gnarled roots of the large tree Bickslow had been hiding behind at the far edge of the guild's property._

" _Fuck man," Laxus growled, "Just chill out!"_

" _Fuck you! I need that! I… I n-need it, dude. Just let me go! Please… I…" Bickslow let his head drop with a thud. "Please. It hurts too much if I don't have it. Lemme go… Please…"_

" _What the hell is that?"_

" _M-Medicine," Bickslow whimpered. "Just my medicine. I didn't want anyone seeing me take it. I… I couldn't join the guild if they knew I was sick…"_

_Laxus frowned and looked at the needle, then down at the blue-and-black haired seventeen-year-old. "Medicine?" he whispered._

_Bickslow nodded. "It hurts… Lemme take it, and I'll be good."_

_Laxus' eyes narrowed slightly. "What do you have?"_

" _Huh?"_

" _What kinda disease, or whatever? What's the medicine for?"_

" _I… Well…" Bickslow shifted slightly, then threw his head back and hit Laxus' nose. He scrambled away as quickly as possible when the blond's grip on him loosened._

" _Bastard!" Laxus grabbed his bloody nose with one hand, wrapping the other around Bickslow's throat when he lunged for the needle. He threw the other teen in the opposite direction, right into a tree, then stomped on the needle and shattered it completely. "You broke my fucking nose!" He whirled around when he heard cackling, his brow furrowing in confusion when Bickslow slowly stood up and held his ribs, his tongue lolling from his mouth and showing where he'd gotten his Fairy Tail stamp only a week prior._

" _Laxus!" Makarov shouted as he walked around the large tree and into the small clearing. "What are you doing back… Ah. Hello, Bickslow."_

_Laxus scowled at his grandfather, then blew his nose to clear the blood from it. "Just sparring with the new kid, old man," he said gruffly._

" _Oh?" Makarov asked with a raised brow. He turned to the guild's new member with a questioning look. "Is that so?"_

_Bickslow stayed silent, staring at the ground. He nodded._

_Makarov smiled at his grandson. "Very well. Please be careful, children. Wouldn't want you two ending up in the infirmary." He turned to head back to the guild, then paused and grinned at Laxus. "Nice nose, my boy."_

_Laxus watched as his grandfather walked away, waiting until he could no longer see the old man, then he turned and stalked over to the now silent mage. "What the fuck, asshole?" he hissed. "You're a goddamn druggie?"_

" _... Why'd you lie for me?" Bickslow whispered. "You coulda told him…"_

_Laxus shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. "What was in it? And don't lie to me, and say it was goddamn medicine."_

" _... Meth…"_

" _Seriously?!"_

_Bickslow nodded, sliding down the tree and pulling his knees to his chest. "I… I can leave…" he said sadly. "I'll just… I'll leave the guild."_

_Laxus frowned and sat down next to Bickslow. "Why'd you lie?"_

_Bickslow shrugged. "Didn't want you to flip and tell Master…"_

" _If you left," Laxus said slowly. "Where would you go?"_

" _I dunno… I haven't found a place to stay yet, so…"_

_Laxus frowned. "Where are you staying then?" He watched as Bickslow shrunk in on himself, then pointed up into the trees. Laxus followed the slender finger and blinked. Then blinked again. "In a fucking tree? It's been storming all week."_

" _I know."_

_Laxus sighed and looked at Bickslow again, then stuck out his hand. "Laxus."_

_Bickslow eyed the large hand warily, then placed his own trembling hand in Laxus' grasp. "Bickslow." After a firm shake, he whispered, "Are you gonna tell him?"_

" _Nah," Laxus said softly. "You wanna get clean?" He watched the teen next to him for a long time before he heard the barest wisp of an answer._

" _I can't…"_

" _I'll help you." He smirked when Bickslow looked at him with wide eyes. "You can crash at my place, man. I'll help you stop."_

" _But… why?"_

_Laxus chuckled as he stood to his feet. He helped the Seith mage stand up and watched as the three totems floated into the air before they started walking back to the guild. "Because that's what teammates do."_

" _T-Teammates?"_

" _Hell yeah. You broke my fucking nose. No way in hell am I letting someone else snatch your ass up." He paused in his step, watching as Bickslow stopped right next to him. Once gleaming blue eyes met with deep crimson, Laxus whispered, "It's what friends do. I'll help you."_

#

Laxus opened his eyes and looked up at the stars again, listening to the nocturnal wildlife rooting around. He'd told Bickslow again and again that he would get clean and stay that way, and Laxus had been so sure that he could make it happen. But… He hadn't. He knew that the Seith mage was using when they attacked Fairy Tail, but he'd been so damn focused on making sure everything went according to plan that he'd forgotten about Bickslow's problem. He'd forgotten that he promised the Seith mage again and again that they'd get him clean.

"I'm a fucking asshole," he whispered. He wanted to call home. He wanted so damn badly to just call his grandfather and tell him what was going on. That Bickslow needed help, real help. Laxus just wanted to do something right for once. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't call home.

Maybe he could let Freed know, and then…

No, that wouldn't work. Laxus had to do what his grandfather told him to do. He needed to take this time away from Fairy Tail, away from the ones that he hadn't realized he still cared about until he failed at hurting them with Fairy Law. Laxus needed to stop and smell the roses. Go out and experience the world around him. See what he'd always taken for granted before. He'd spent so much time ignoring the old man, the one that had really cared about him this whole time, that he wasn't going to do it anymore. Makarov wanted him to do this, and he would.

Freed and Evergreen would take care of Bickslow. He was sure of it. The Rune mage was a goddamn genius; it wouldn't take long to realize just what Bickslow was doing. Evergreen was a total fucking sweetheart where the team was concerned, she just never showed it when they were around the guild.

Maybe it would be good for the Raijinshuu to be on their own for a bit. Those three could stand to get closer to one another, and Bickslow needed to open up to more than just Laxus. They were a team, and that meant working together. Compensating for where the others were lacking. Supporting each other.

He'd known it all along, but somewhere between Ivan getting kicked out of Fairy Tail and the last few months… He'd lost his way. Laxus needed to get back to who he really was, to find himself in this huge fucking world. What was really important to him? Where did he fit? How could he have tried hurting his family at Fairy Tail? Until he knew that, he couldn't possibly help anyone else.

With a heavy sigh, he pulled the lacrima from his bag. He'd held onto it just in case Bickslow called him. Just in case the Raijinshuu needed him. Or if his grandfather decided he wanted Laxus to come back. He had to do this on his own. To find himself and make whatever it was he found… Better. Not stronger, not more powerful. But better.

The air around his hand crackled, and he put more and more power into that single appendage until he saw the lacrima shatter. No one could contact him now. Not until he was ready. He didn't know how long it would take, or if he would ever see them again, but Laxus did know that if - or when - he did… He'd be a man they would be proud to call their friend. Not their leader. Not a Thunder God. Just Freed's, and Evergreen's, and Bickslow's friend. Just Makarov's grandson. Maybe he'd never be a member of Fairy Tail again, but if he was… If he had the chance to return to what he knew was his true home… He wouldn't be "The Thunder God, Laxus Dreyar"...

He'd be himself.

Just himself.

Just Laxus.

* * *

_**Light the night up, you're my dark star  
And now you're falling away** _

* * *

Bickslow's eyes opened again when he felt something brushing over his hand. The clouds were still everywhere, but… Maybe he was imagining it, but they seemed a little brighter. A little less grey and a little more silver. Whatever was touching his hand was soft as hell, and drawing small circles over the top before sliding down to his fingers. It felt… amazing. He didn't want that to stop. He  _never_  wanted it to stop. It felt so good, that all he wanted to do was stay right where he was, and hope that it'd start moving everywhere. That would be wonderful. So, maybe he wasn't in hell after all. Maybe this was limbo, switching from torture to pampering. If this was something he could look forward to, then he was all for it. Having someone read to him wasn't really that bad anyway.

A heavy sigh left him after some time - although, how long it had been, he wasn't entirely sure. He was bored out of his mind. Bickslow was hoping that maybe the woman from before would come back and start talking to him again. He loved how her voice sounded, and she'd stopped reading shit about runes, so that was a plus. It left him wondering who she was, and why she was talking to him, of all people. It's not like he really deserved to have someone spending all their time sitting around and wasting their time on him. He was dead. What did it matter if he was left alone?

But, he wasn't alone. Not for long, anyway. Her voice always came back. She always talked about something different every time he heard her.

_"The itsy Bixy babies were stacked up oh so high…."_

Bickslow smiled at that. She was back. And she was singing about his babies. No one liked his babies, since it was apparently creepy that he had souls following him around, but… They were the only family he really had. They knew who he really was inside, and they liked him.  _'I can't believe I said they'd leave me if they could… My babies wouldn't do that…'_  He knew they wouldn't. He'd just been so upset at the time. And now he wouldn't get to tell them that he cared about them, that he knew they wouldn't leave him. It wasn't even about his magic binding them to him in his own little 'immortal army'. They cared about him. His babies tried to get him to stop using because they knew it would kill him.

" _Then Papa moved on out and hit me in the eye. His babies, they fell down. Right upon the bed. Then jumped up in the air, and did a dance instead!"_

Bickslow could hear his babies laughing. Papa's deeper voice, Pipi's little squeak, Popo and Pepe in the middle, and Pupu's quiet, nearly silent, wisping laugh. He found himself smiling wider when he heard it. Wherever they were, whatever they were doing, they were happy. And that woman… Whoever she was… She was making them that way.

" _Aww, I love you too, babies!"_

His breath caught in his throat. No one had ever said that to those little souls. Was this the universe's way of telling him that his babies were okay? There was someone that had found them, and she was taking care of them? Maybe another Seith mage. Or… Maybe he was hearing them in heaven now. Was that what this was?

When he heard her laughing, a bright, trilling peal of laughter that broke through the clouds and made the sun shine down on him, he knew it. She was an angel. His babies were in heaven with an angel, and now he could rest peacefully. Those little souls were the most important beings in his life, and now that they were okay, that they were being taken care of and were happy, he could close his eyes and just… Drift away.

What if this  _was_  heaven though? He could hear his babies, laughing and playing. He could hear the angel that was with them. Did that mean he was in heaven with them too?  _'I wanna be in heaven…'_

" _We're all waiting, Bickslow… We're right here… Me and your babies… We're here…"_

Everything was brighter than before. Sunlight peeked through the clouds, and he could almost see those fat little cherubs flying and dancing around. Maybe that's why he felt so weightless. Like he was floating on a cloud. He was free from everything, free from his addiction and the skeletons in his closet. He felt like he was home. Not the place he'd lived before, not in Earthland, just… Home. That imaginary warm and fuzzy place in his heart, the one that swelled up and filled him from head to toe with contentment. He'd never had a  _home_  before, but here… In the clouds with that angelic voice and his babies… In heaven… He was home.

* * *

_**Blinded, I can't do this on my own** _   
_**You were all I've got, to guide me home** _   
_**I could lie awake just to watch you breathe** _   
_**In the dead of night, you went dark on me** _

__


	5. Fix Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> 10 Years: Fix me

_**It's taken a lifetime to lose my way  
** _ _**A lifetime of yesterdays** _

* * *

When Bickslow woke up again, everything was different. There was only darkness in his vision instead of the bright clouds and sunlight he'd fallen asleep with. The sounds around him had changed. The angel's voice was gone, and in its place was a soft beeping and what sounded like Darth Vader breathing off to his right. He wasn't weightless anymore, and instead felt heavy; both in his body and in his mind. His mouth was dry, and his whole body ached.  _'It's a hospital… No… Not again…'_

He wasn't in heaven anymore. Someone took it all away from him. He was supposed to be up in heaven, weightless and free. Listening to his babies while they played with that angelic woman. It was all a lie! Why couldn't the bastard doctors just let him die already? If he could have moved right then, he would have been ripping the damn IV out and beating feet to get away from the hospital. But… Just how the hell did he get there? More importantly, where were his babies?

He was too tired to try and use his magic to search for the little humming sounds of their souls, so he did what he could to swallow away the dryness in his throat before rasping, "Ba… bies?"

"Bickslow!" the totems chirped happily as they tenderly nudged the groggy Seith mage from their places on the bed.

"We're right here," Papa whispered.

" _I'm in the hospital again?"_

" _Yes."_

Bickslow's eyes slowly opened, and he squinted while looking around the room. There was a window off to his left, giving him the perfect view of a night sky and soft lights shining from the city below. A single lamp was turned on, sitting just behind a green chair that was pulled out into a makeshift bed, the blanket turned down and mussed as though someone had recently been there. It was something he was used to seeing when he woke up in a hospital, but… Who the hell had been there? Laxus was usually the one in that spot, but he was gone.  _"I've gotta get outta here, babies… Help me up! Please…"_

He was so focused on trying to get his limbs to cooperate, or the five little totems for that matter, that Bickslow didn't hear the door to the connecting bathroom open. He didn't see the slender blonde wearing a black tank top and grey yoga pants standing in the open doorway with a soft smile on her face.  _"C'mon, babies. We've gotta go… They'll lock me up…"_

" _We're not going anywhere, Bickslow,"_ Papa replied silently.  _"You need to rest."_

Bickslow sighed and bit his lips as he tried to push himself up, fighting against the sudden tremble in his arms. He froze only a moment later when he felt a small bit of pressure on his shoulder, and looked up with wide eyes to see a very familiar blonde smiling down at him.

"Good to see you're awake," Lucy said gently. And really, it was. She was ecstatic that Bickslow had woken up, because the doctors had been telling her that this event in particular would be a very good sign for him. She didn't really need doctors to know that, but when they mentioned that it could indicate there was no brain damage, well… she may have cried a little bit.

Fear instantly consumed him. Bickslow's breath stalled in his lungs and he could barely hear the beeping of his heart monitor as it started to quicken. "C-Cosplayer…?" he whispered in horror. Not her. Any-fucking-one but her. "What…" It was just his luck that the little blonde would see him in the hospital like this. "How…" She couldn't possibly know what had brought him here. Maybe she'd heard from someone that he was in the hospital, and just came down to rub that fight in his face. Maybe she was here to just finish him off. Now  _there_  was a thought.

"I found you," Lucy answered gently. "And I brought you to the hospital." When Bickslow continued staring at her, Lucy sighed and shook her head. She'd never had the opportunity to look into his eyes before - since the last time she'd seen them open while he didn't have his visor on, they were glowing and he was trying to possess her - but now that she had the chance, she took it. The first thought that came to her was  _'Beautiful'_. She couldn't help it. The deep red irises, the maroon concentric rings that she knew would glow a bright green when he activated his Figure Eyes. Absolutely stunning. Still, he looked terrified. She didn't understand why he'd look at her that way, though.

"But… You…"

"Only me and the staff know why you're really here, and they made sure no one knows who you are," Lucy said reassuringly. She figured that would be the reason he was scared, after all. If she was in his shoes, and had worked so hard to make sure no one in the guild knew what was going on behind the scenes, she'd be terrified that her secret was out. "You're listed as a John Doe."

Bickslow found it just a little easier to breathe when he heard that. But there was one other thing… "M-My team..."

"They know you're here," Lucy replied, lightly squeezing his shoulder as he relaxed back into the bed in defeat. "Freed and Evergreen just left a little while ago, since visiting hours are over." Lucy paused and looked down at the little totems that had gone silent. "Your babies told me not to tell anyone why I brought you in, Bickslow. The only other people that know are my spirits. Loke was there that night…"

Bickslow let out a shaky breath as his eyes slid closed. That was  _way_  more people than he needed knowing about this shit. He didn't know the first thing about Lucy, but he knew enough about Loke. That guy… No, that  _spirit_ … Would probably be lording this shit over him forever. They'd never really gotten along, but Bickslow had also made a point of pissing Loke off at every turn, simply because he knew that Loke was a spirit. Still, he wanted to believe that only Lucy and her spirits knew what was going on. He could run damage control on that… He hoped. "Thanks," he rasped, wincing when his throat scratched uncomfortably. "I… Owe you…"

"No," Lucy whispered with a small smile. "You don't owe me anything. We're all family at Fairy Tail, Bickslow. We take care of each other." She could see that he was about to say something, and carefully placed her fingers over his lips to keep him silent. It was something she'd considered doing before, while he was still out, simply because she'd gotten some lip balm and put it on him to make sure they didn't get chapped. "Just rest, okay? I'll let the nurse know you're awake.

Bickslow nodded with a heavy sigh, then watched as Lucy leaned down to press the small call button on the bed just next to his head. His brow furrowed when he heard the little disembodied voice of what he assumed was the nurse at the reception desk.

"Yes, Lucy?"

Why the hell did the nurse know her name? Maybe the blonde was just friends with her outside of this place, or maybe… No, Bickslow didn't want to think about any other possibilities. That was something he just couldn't deal with.

Lucy smiled. "Hey, Missy. Is Dr. John on duty for the night?"

"He came in five minutes ago."

"Well, someone decided it's time to wake up." Lucy paused and looked at Bickslow's confused expression. "Is it alright if he sits up and has some water?"

"Yes, just take it slow," Nurse Missy answered with a small laugh. "I'll call Dr. Barrow right away."

When the line cut off, Lucy smiled at Bickslow, who was, for his part, still just staring at her. "Did you want to sit up?"

Bickslow slowly nodded, then sighed in resignation when Lucy reached down and pressed a button on the bed that was right next to his hand. While the bed lifted, he winced and tried to readjust himself slightly. "You… sure know what you're doing… Cosplayer," he whispered. For the purposes of keeping up appearances, because he knew that Lucy only ever saw him as the energetic and pervy guy at the guild, if she'd noticed him at all, he smirked. "Were you... messing with the buttons... while I was out?"

"No," Lucy answered with a sad smile. "No, my mom was in the hospital a lot before she died. She let me help her sit up and lay down for meals when I was allowed to visit." She watched as his face fell for only a moment before he looked away from her and out the window. "Let's get you some water. I'm sure you're pretty thirsty."

When Lucy left his side to get a cup of water, he switched Popo into his pillow and the other four totems helped him get more comfortable. He just wanted her to leave. He wanted to be alone right then, not keeping himself in check so she wouldn't see that he was absolutely devastated by the prospect of still being alive. Or that his skin was already crawling, and it was taking everything in him not to scratch his arms, face, neck, and legs. It was a small saving grace that his body was taking a little bit to wake up. The withdrawal symptoms he knew were coming weren't full-blown just yet. Just a little itchiness for the time being. And he was anxious. Way too anxious. "How long was I out for?" he asked. "A day or two? I bet Freed was flipping out..." A sigh slipped past his lips, and after a moment, he mumbled, "Then again, maybe not since Laxus disappeared a couple days ago..." He was never out of it for more than a day or two, so it stood to reason that no one had really noticed he'd gone missing. It was only Laxus that had ever noticed he had pulled a disappearing act, and only the Lightning Slayer knew why it happened. Freed and Evergreen were never at the hospital for him, but… Lucy said they'd just left. So, they knew he was here…  _'Probably just to make sure I didn't kick the bucket,'_ he thought sourly. It wouldn't do if they lost two teammates within a week.

Lucy turned around and walked back over to the bed, holding the cup in her hand. "It's…" She winced uncomfortably. He thought it had been just a couple days? Didn't he know that he'd been missing for a whole week before she found him? That Freed and Evergreen had been worried sick when they couldn't find him anywhere after Laxus disappeared? His teammates really did care about him, that much she'd figured out, but… Bickslow didn't seem to think anyone would notice. "It's been two weeks since then, Bickslow," she said softly.

* * *

_**All the wasted time on my hands turns to sand  
And fades in the wind** _

* * *

His eyes went wide at that. Two weeks? How… That just wasn't possible.  _"B-Babies… Really? Two… Two weeks?"_

"You were missing for a week," Lucy continued. "No one knew where you were at, or what happened to you. And… After I brought you to the hospital, you were in a coma."

"Th-That's… No…" he whispered in horror. Two whole weeks. Just gone. Had he really been shooting up and drinking and doing fuck only knows what else for an entire week? A whole week that was just one big blur. Random faces, needles, pills, alcohol, more needles, women, clubs, all of it. Everything he usually did while high as a damn kite. He could hardly remember any of it, but he didn't want to. He didn't want to know what he'd done, or where he'd been, or who he'd been with. It would only make this shit more real, more unbearable. He did remember the pain though, and that it didn't go away. It just kept getting worse and worse, so he would do more and more to forget.  _'Fuck, I need to forget! I… I can't do this…'_  He needed to get the hell out of this fucking hospital, because the more he tried to ignore the truth, that he'd gotten so fucked up and put himself in a damn  _coma_ , the more he felt that black pit of sadness and shame welling up inside of him. He couldn't take this shit. He just couldn't. He'd wanted to die, not be saved and stuck living with what he'd done and what he knew he was going to do again and again.

Lucy nodded and handed him the cup of water, quickly steadying his trembling hand when she saw that he was about to spill it everywhere. "Hey, it's okay," she said gently. "Here, I'll help you. The doctor said your muscles might be a little weak when you woke up."

Bickslow wanted to push her away. He didn't need her damn help. She'd done enough already, if she was the one that brought him to the hospital when he didn't want to be here anymore. The only thing that stayed him was the fact that he felt like his arm was going to give out, and he really was thirsty. He carefully lifted the cup to his lips, feeling only the smallest bit of pressure from Lucy's slender fingers to keep his hand steady. She wasn't doing it for him, but why should she do  _anything_  for someone like him?  _'Why the hell would she care if I got to a damn hospital…'_

"Small sips, okay?" she whispered, smiling when he rolled his eyes.

Bickslow sighed and took a sip, then another. It definitely helped make his mouth less of a damn desert, and soothed the dryness in his throat. But it wasn't what he really wanted. That gnarled mess that was his addiction was already begging to be fed again. He tried to ignore it, but it just kept nagging at him. Over and over, whispering that he needed to get out of this place and find his dealer. Maybe get a double of that Suicide batch so he could finally finish himself off once and for all. He knew what he'd been doing at the end of what was apparently a weeklong shooting extravaganza: he'd been trying to die. If he was so far gone that he couldn't remember anything, and if he'd been drinking like he suspected he was - because that's just what he did when he was trying to prolong his fix before needing another dose - then of course he was trying to end it all.  _"Babies… Please… I wanna leave… Please, let's just go… Okay? Please…"_

" _No. You're staying. We're_ _ **all**_ _staying. You need rest…"_

"The doctor can explain everything when he comes in," Lucy said as Bickslow continued drinking. "I've been acting as your proxy while you were out. They didn't really need to do any crazy tests or anything though. I... I hope that's okay."

Bickslow finished the water, then nodded slowly just before Lucy placed the cup on a table to his right. Those doctors would just have done whatever the fuck they wanted to him anyway, so it's not like it mattered if he had a proxy. He and Lucy didn't know a damn thing about each other, so just why the fuck would  _she_  act as the deciding factor while he was down for the count? Hell, Papa would have been the best option for that. Then again, no one ever really took his babies into consideration. Just like they never took what Bickslow wanted into consideration.  _'I'm just a puppet,'_  he thought sadly.  _'That's how everyone treats me…'_

Doctor Jonathan Barrow opened the door to room 407, then smiled when he saw their 'John Doe' sitting up with Lucy right next to him. He'd been by as much as possible to check on the man and his blonde companion over the past week, making sure they had everything they needed. Sure, it came off as a little odd to his colleagues, but these were Fairy Tail mages. They might be a rowdy bunch, and quite a few of them had caused a ruckus in the hospital on several occasions - namely their pink-haired Dragon Slayer and the powerhouse, Titania - but Lucy was quiet, demure almost. Bickslow's teammates were much the same when they visited. He was rather curious why Laxus Dreyar hadn't made an appearance, since he was the core of Bickslow's team, but it would have been rude to ask. After closing the door securely, he made his way to the foot of the bed and ignored the mage's file in his hands for the time being. "It's good to see you're awake, young man," he said. "I have a few things to speak to you about, but I need to know if Lucy is allowed - now that you're awake to choose for yourself - to stay for this."

Bickslow gave a half-shrug in response.

"I'll need a yes or no."

He sighed heavily. "Sure," he muttered, looking down at his hands. "She can stay." It's not like it mattered anyway. Lucy apparently knew why he was in the hospital, if she was acting as his proxy. Hell, she knew more about what was going on than he did.

Dr. Barrow nodded and gave Lucy a small smile while she sat down on the little pull-out bed she'd been sleeping on for the past week. How the girl was able to be so bright and chipper after seven straight nights of that monstrosity was beyond him. He opened Bickslow's file and went through his intake paperwork for a moment, then looked at the blue-and-black haired mage. "Well, you were brought in one week ago by Lucy here," he sighed. It hadn't been that long that Bickslow had been awake, so he could only assume that Lucy hadn't really had a chance to tell him everything. "You were unconscious, barely breathing, and your BP was fifty over twenty. We started treating you for a methamphetamine overdose, and when the analysis of what was in that needle Lucy brought in came back, we compensated for the other drugs in your system as best as we could..."

Bickslow nodded, not taking his eyes off of the chipped black nail polish on his fingers. Instead, he continued half-listening, and started picking at the bits of polish that were still intact. He needed something to do, because listening to that damn doctor drone on and on about what he'd done was going to drive him insane. He knew that he fucked up, that much was obvious, but he just couldn't help himself. He'd been doing meth for years, and he was sure that he'd be doing the shit until he finally kicked the bucket. No matter how many times he tried to stop, he never did. No matter how long it took, he'd always go back. A week, a month. Nine whole weeks that one time the year before. Still, he went right back to it. It was the only way to make everything less painful.

"... After further testing, we found methamphetamine, heroin, cocaine, acid, ecstasy, PCP, rohypnol, and alcohol in your system among other…"

Bickslow started chewing his cheek instead of grinding his teeth like his body was telling him to do. He just wanted the doctor to leave. He wanted Lucy to leave. Hell, if they wanted to stay there so damn badly, then they could just let  _him_  leave. He knew better than to ask his babies to help him get out of there again. Papa was an asshole when he wanted to be, and he was the only one that could really get through to Bickslow when he was adamant enough about something. Like right then.

"... Multiple seizures during treatment, but we were able to stabilize you and finally got your blood pressure within a good range…"

Bickslow frowned at the small pile of nail polish in his lap, still picking at the last couple nails to get it all off. He only put it on because he liked how it looked, but as soon as it got chipped, he couldn't stand it being there. If even one nail was chipped, he had to take all of it off and start all over. Still, he had  _multiple_ seizures? As in… More than just one… Laxus always made sure to tell him just what happened while he was out of it in the hospital, usually with a lecture or five at the ready. He'd never had seizures though. He'd never been in a coma either. Hell, his blood pressure was way too low. Meth always made it skyrocket when he went overboard, like his heart had just guzzled down a whole case of energy drinks and was getting ready to make a break for it right out of his chest. Maybe the heroin did that though. Uppers made everything speed up. Downers slowed it all right down. Nice and simple.

"... High risk of brain damage, and we'll be setting up a couple tests for tomorrow to see if there's anything…"

Lucy turned to look at Bickslow, her eyebrows drawing together when she saw the growing pile of nail polish in his lap, and how he was picking at his pinky nail with everything he was worth. She'd felt a little bad about messing up his polish the way she had, but after reading that a symptom of withdrawal from meth was compulsive scratching, she'd gotten a pair of nail clippers from one of the nurses and cut all of his nails down to the quick just that morning. It seemed he was a lot like her when it came to that though - not being able to handle just a single chip from the polish.  _'Maybe I can bring some in for him while he's stuck here,'_ she thought.

"The upside is that you've gone through the worst of the withdrawal period, if not all of it, while you were unconscious," Dr. Barrow continued with an encouraging smile. "We'll be keeping-"

"Yeah," Bickslow sighed heavily. "Couple days for observation. Maybe more since it was a coma this time around… I know the drill…"

Dr. Barrow furrowed his brow. "Do you have a history of this sort of thing happening?"

"..." Bickslow switched to chewing the opposite cheek when he felt the first being rubbed raw, then chanced a glance at Lucy to see her staring at the little black flecks of lacquer sitting on the blanket over his legs. He winced when he accidentally bit the side of his tongue, then looked back down at his hands when his babies nudged him.

" _Talk, Bickslow,"_ Papa silently urged the Seith mage.  _"Talk, or I will."_

Bickslow sighed and looked up at the doctor. "Yeah," he finally said. "Last one was a couple months ago. Almost three now, I guess… No coma though, just a mild reaction from a bad batch. No mix that that time, just straight meth." He paused for a moment with a frown on his face, then added, "Another four months before that, I think… I'll uh… I'll write down my info for the file it goes in… It's under an alias."

* * *

_**Crossing lines, small crimes  
Taking back what is mine** _

* * *

Dr. Barrow nodded and made a note in Bickslow's file, then watched as Lucy quickly stood up and grabbed Bickslow's hand when he started absently scratching his arm.

"No nails, okay?" Lucy whispered gently. She carefully uncurled his fingers, and added, "Just rub like this if it itches."

Bickslow's eyes went wide as he looked up at her, feeling her gently rubbing his hand over his arm and somehow taking the worst of his itching away. Her deep brown gaze was so soft, so damn understanding. She didn't look like she was pissed at him for this, and he still had no clue why she even cared to help him in the first place. He still wanted to be mad at her for getting him to the hospital, but he couldn't. Not right then, at least. It always took a lot for him to remember that he needed to keep himself from scratching his skin raw, and that usually only happened  _after_  he'd torn a small section of it to shreds. Laxus had never done this for him. The hulking blonde would just smack him in the back of the head, or give him a quick shock, and make him stop scratching altogether. He finally found it in himself to look away from her when he heard a soft chuckle from the doctor at the end of the bed.

"Lucy has read nearly everything the social workers and psychologists were willing to give her concerning your case," Dr. Barrow said when Bickslow looked at him again. "I'm sure she would have read more if given the resources. You're a very lucky man to have someone so devoted."

Bickslow frowned at that and pulled his hand from Lucy's before looking down at the blanket. "Yeah," he muttered, "I guess so." Lucy wasn't devoted to him. No one was. Hell, Laxus was the only one that had helped him try and stop using, but even he'd left. The only ones Bickslow could count on were his babies, but he hardly listened to them when push came to shove. When all he could focus on was getting his next fix. Bickslow wanted to have someone that was devoted to him. He'd never had that before. But… who would be stupid enough to be with someone like him? No one, that's who. No one would want to stick by him through thick and thin. His best friend hadn't, so why would anyone else? It's not like he was close to anybody anyway…

Dr. Barrow gave Bickslow a questioning look, then turned to Lucy with a question of what he'd said wrong sitting on the tip of his tongue. That is, until he saw her staring at him, wide-eyed and blushing deeply. "My apologies," he said quickly. "I had assumed… W-Well, since you never left, I thought you two were…" A slightly uncomfortable laugh slipped past his lips. "Well, this is awkward."

Lucy found herself giggling when the doctor gave her a dorky smile while scratching his head. She'd found out over the past week that the forty-five year old doctor was actually a really awkward guy in general. A total dork nine times out of ten, and had no idea whether or not he was making people uncomfortable with what he said. He was a great doctor, but he really shouldn't be talking with patients. Well, unless it was to make someone laugh from his overall dorkiness. "It's alright, Dr. John," she laughed. "The nurses have been asking me all week when the wedding is…" She paused and shook her head with an exaggerated eye roll. The nurses really had been asking her that, and every time she'd told them the same thing. "We're just friends."

Bickslow blinked in surprise while he stared up at the blonde again. They'd fought each other during the Battle of Fairy Tail two weeks prior, but she still thought of them as friends? They didn't know each other at all, and he'd called her weak. He'd tried to use his Figure Eyes on her. But… "You… You didn't leave?" Bickslow whispered in confusion, watching as Lucy looked down at him with a gentle smile. Why wouldn't Lucy have left? Why…

His eyes widened further when the memory of that angelic woman he'd heard while he was out, the one that had read to him and played with his babies, came roaring back to life. Her laugh was the same as that angel's. Their voices were the same. Both were bright and chipper, but still gentle and soothing. That woman's voice, the one that had driven him insane at first, but slowly made him want to always have it with him… That was Lucy. The angel he'd thought was with his babies in heaven was really the Celestial mage standing next to him. Sure, her voice had faded in and out, but… Lucy had been with him the whole time. She was the one that laughed and read and sang. She was the one that touched his hand when he couldn't feel anything else. When he'd hardly been able to do anything, when he was surrounded by grey clouds and muffled sounds… Lucy brought light into his little slice of hell. She chased away the darkness that had been consuming him. She made it feel like home…  _'Was she why I thought I was in heaven? Wait, what the fuck am I even thinking?!'_

* * *

_**I'm fine in the fire** _   
_**I feed on the friction** _   
_**I'm right where I should be** _   
_**Don't try and fix me** _

* * *

The salt-and-pepper haired doctor watched the two looking at each other for a long moment without saying a single word, then smiled.  _'Oh to be young and in love,'_  he thought. Maybe they weren't more than friends, as Lucy had said, but he'd also seen her sitting with Bickslow when no one else was around. She really did seem devoted to him in a way he'd never seen before. Maybe it was just his age getting the best of him, or his wife's crazy romantic tendencies rubbing off on him after being married for the past three years. Either way, he figured it would be best to just give the two some time alone."I'll umm… I'll give you two some time to talk," he said with a small chuckle. "You can catch him up on anything, Lucy. Answer any questions he might have." When Lucy nodded, and both mages turned their attention to him, he looked at Bickslow. "I'm recommending bedrest for the next forty-eight hours. You can still get up and move around if you'd like, but please be aware that your muscles have deteriorated slightly while you were out. You can have one of the nurses come in to help you start walking, or someone else, but do take your time. I'll have a nurse come in shortly to remove your catheter and walk you through the plan we'll be setting you up on while in our care."

Bickslow nodded.

"I highly suggest one of our drug counselors, young man," Dr. Barrow added after a moment. "As a mage, you need to be in peak physical condition. You could very well end up dead if you stay on this path. If not from an overdose, then from the effect on you in a critical moment. Please, don't hesitate to ask for help. We're all here for you."

"Yep, thanks Doc…" Bickslow sighed and watched as the doctor gave Lucy one last friendly smile, then left the room. Once the door was closed, he kept staring at the little silver handle as he whispered, "You really didn't leave?"

Lucy smiled and sat down on the edge of the bed next to his leg. She grabbed a tissue and leaned forward, then carefully picked up the pile of nail polish Bickslow had picked off of his nails. "I figured you might want someone here when you woke up that knows what's going on," she answered while throwing it in the small garbage can on the floor. "Besides, as your proxy, I needed to be around just in case."

Bickslow chewed on his lower lip as he looked at her again. "... Why you…?" he whispered uncertainly. It just didn't make any sense. Why would Lucy care if he was alright? Why would she agree to being his proxy?

She lightly grabbed his hand when he started trying to scratch the same spot as before on his arm, then watched a heavy, trembling sigh leave the Seith mage as he forced his hands to the stay still on his lap. She could see him getting more and more tense as the seconds ticked by, noticed how he started clenching his hands into fists only to let them relax for a moment. Then he'd do it again. Clenched, relaxed, clenched. "Just breathe," Lucy whispered, reaching up and gently rubbing her hand over the exposed, scarred skin on his arm. She could feel every small tremor that went through him, and saw the tightness in his jaw while he stared at her hand in what she thought was a mixture of pain and confusion. "No one else knows about it, Bickslow. I was asked not to tell anyone until you woke up, and told your babies I would talk to you about it," she said gently. "I can leave if you'd like, but..."

Bickslow took a deep breath as he looked up from where her small hand was rubbing his arm, right into those huge doe eyes of hers. This was that same touch he'd felt before. The same slow circles that soothed him, and made the itch die down just enough that it wasn't driving him insane. Lucy's hand wasn't frantically scraping over his skin to alleviate the uncomfortable tension and get rid of what felt like millions of bugs just crawling around inside of him. She was calm, relaxing, gentle. Everything he'd never had in his life before.  _"Papa… Make her stop… M-Make it stop…"_

" _She's helping you, Bickslow. It's alright."_

" _But… It's… She's…"_  He didn't really have an argument for it. This was something new and strange. Comforting, yet scary. All at once. He wanted Lucy to go away, but he didn't want that angel to leave him before. Why was it alright when he thought he'd died and gone to heaven, when he thought she was just some distant voice that kept his babies safe and happy? But now, it just felt wrong. She shouldn't be there with him. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve her help… "But?" he finally whispered.

Lucy sighed softly, her hand moving down to his and continuing to rubs slow circles over his skin. "But… You really shouldn't have to deal with this alone, Bickslow."

But he was always alone. Couldn't she understand that? Couldn't  _anyone_  understand that? He'd always dealt with things on his own terms, by himself. Sure, Laxus had come along and tried to get him off of the drugs, to help him make something better of the pathetic mass of flesh and bone that he called an existence. He tried to turn months and years of needles and scars and pain into someone that would be a great mage, a powerful mage. Someone that Laxus would have been honored to call his friend and not just his teammate. But, in the end, Bickslow was always alone. Always cast to the side like the trash he knew he was.

He couldn't deal with this. He couldn't have her acting like she cared. Heaven forbid he started to depend on her, like he'd done with Laxus. He couldn't let that happen again. She'd ditch him even faster than his best friend had. He knew that. Bickslow swallowed thickly and let out a heavy sigh while he rubbed a hand over his face. "I… I need to brush my teeth," he said shakily. That same feeling was coming back, and he was about to start chewing a hole through his damn cheek. If he'd been out of it for a whole week, then that meant there were seven days worth of germs just sitting in his mouth. Plus, with how dry it had been when he woke up… That shit was just festering. He wasn't exactly germophobic like Freed was, but he knew what could happen if he didn't take care of himself. At least a little bit… "Or… Or some gum. Like… Right now…"

Lucy blinked in surprise at the sudden shift in his demeanor. She wasn't sure if that was normal, but he'd gone from scared to confused to slightly detached to… Twitchy? Nervous? Something else? She wasn't sure what he was feeling right then, but she could help him. She leaned over and grabbed a pack of gum from her bag, then handed it to him as she asked, "Why?"

Bickslow's eyes lit up at the little dark blue pack in his hand, and he quickly pulled out one silver-wrapped stick. "Meth fucks up your teeth if you're not careful." Once he popped the gum into his mouth, he started chewing quickly. "It makes you do shit compulsively. Almost constantly, really…"

"Oh."

Bickslow nodded. "Most people mess their teeth up by grinding them when they're between fixes, and even while they're high sometimes. So I chew gum and brush my teeth about five times a day..." He pushed another piece of gum into his mouth and started chewing faster. His eyes closed for a second while he tried to push past the worst of the nearly screaming need to just grind his teeth. He couldn't let himself do it though. He just needed to focus a little bit.

" _Chew man… Just keep chewing,"_   _Laxus whispered urgently. "Just chew it. It's okay. You're gonna be fine. I promise. Just keep chewing, and it'll go away."_

" _L-Laxus… It hurts… M-Make it stop…"_

" _I know. You're gonna be fine. Just keep chewing the gum, alright? I'm right here. It'll go away…"_

Bickslow's eyes shot open again, instantly locking onto the flowing blonde hair of the girl in front of him. He couldn't think about Laxus. Not right then. He needed to keep those memories of all the times his best friend had helped him through this shit locked away. Bickslow knew what to do, what Laxus had done for him. It was second nature by this point to know  _what_ to do; it was actually  _doing_ it that took a little work. Chew some gum, brush his teeth, rub his arms, clench his hands. Fold some paper. Carve a new totem. Don't think about the needles, and how much easier it would be if he just shot up again. Don't think about how it itches, or how he wants to run away from everything. Don't think about the pain. Don't think about his past. Not about hospitals or his family. Nothing that's gonna upset him. Stay calm. Stay relaxed. Think happy thoughts… Happy… "Fuck, I hate this place," he whispered.

" _Bickslow,"_  Papa silently whispered.  _"Just breathe… We're right here with you. Just breathe…"_

Lucy sat in silence for a moment, nibbling her lip while she tried not to just outright stare at Bickslow. What was she supposed to do now that he was awake? She'd said she wanted to help him, sort of. Well, she said he didn't need to go through this alone, at least. And he didn't. She wanted to be there for him, if he'd let her. She knew it was going to be hard for him. Not from experience, but she'd been reading quite a bit when Freed and Evergreen weren't around. She knew what to watch for, what others in recovery had said helped them during withdrawal. She knew he needed support of some kind; otherwise, it would be nearly impossible for him to get through this. Maybe he didn't want to stop using, but he needed to. This had nearly killed him, but… She didn't want to think about whether or not that had been his goal. She just couldn't. "Um…" she whispered. She needed to find something to say. Anything. She'd been watching him sleep for a whole week, reading to him and talking to him about anything she could think of. She'd played games and sang to his babies. So, why couldn't she think of anything to say now?

Bickslow glanced at Lucy while she fiddled with her hands in her lap. "You don't need to stay, Cosplayer," he said softly. An uncomfortable wave of skin-crawling tension swept over him. That same sensation that had him wanting to rip out his hair and crawl under a rock and vomit all at once. Shit like this was why he didn't stay sober. He quickly shook his hands out to try and ease some of his discomfort, hissing in pain when the IV in his right hand pulled and shifted uncomfortably. "I'm good. Really."

Lucy frowned, but stayed silent.

"It's not like I can get high while I'm in here, and they'll keep me for maybe a week," he added. "Unless…" He took a moment to look over her body from where she was sitting just next to him. He'd seen her in a damn cheerleader costume when they met, but somehow… Somehow she looked a whole lot more attractive like this. With her hair pulled up into a ponytail, a simple black tank top that led down to a pair of grey yoga pants. Everyone saw him as a pervert, even though he was stoned out of his mind pretty much any time he was at the guild. In his head, what he really wanted to tell her… He couldn't let that out.

Lucy waited for Bickslow to continue, and when he stayed silent, she slowly lifted her gaze to his. He wasn't staring at her body like she'd thought. He was looking at her face. Right into her eyes. She couldn't help but blush, and hated that she wasn't able to hide it from him. He didn't seem to notice though. He just kept staring and chewing his gum.

' _What I wanna say is that she's really sweet. And pretty. And that I'm glad she stayed,'_  he thought. He might be upset that his plans of offing himself had been foiled, and he definitely hated that he was going through this shit now, but at least… For a small moment… He felt like someone cared about him. But, he couldn't tell her that. Bickslow couldn't let her see that side of himself. That's what the drugs kept hidden, and what he needed to stay hidden. People took advantage of guys like him. Like who he really was. And he wasn't going to let that happen ever again. No matter what he wanted to tell her - like how much he appreciated what she'd done for him, and that it meant a lot to him that she kept his babies company - he had to let her believe the same thing as everyone else. He finally smirked and let his eyes rake over her as he said, "Unless… There's something...  _e_ _lse..._  you want?"

Lucy raised an eyebrow. "Really?" she deadpanned. "You're  _really_  hitting on me while you're tweaking…"

Bickslow gave her a half-shrug, pushing the wad of gum off to the side of his mouth before giving her a tongue-lolling grin. "Could be…" He grunted in pain and felt his eyes instantly watering when Pepe and Pupu bashed their little wooden bodies into his face. "What the fuck, guys?!"

"Be nice to Cosplayer," Pepe said angrily.

"Yeah," Pupu huffed. "She saved you…"

"You made Cosplayer cry…" Pipi added softly.

"And she held your hand…" Popo whispered. "And played games with us…"

Papa sighed and floated up with the others as they hovered in front of the wide-eyed Seith mage. "She kept your secret, Bickslow. Don't be an asshole."

Lucy's jaw dropped open while she watched Bickslow being scolded by the little wooden totems.

"I was just joking," Bickslow grumbled while leaning back into his pillow, reaching up with one hand to absently rub at his arm.

Lucy blinked in surprise as a small pout crossed Bickslow's face. She'd never thought the Seith mage would make a face like that, like he was just a little kid that was being scolded by his parents. "Okay," she laughed softly, "I had  _no_ idea they did that…"

Bickslow frowned and cocked his head to one side while he looked up at her. "Did what?"

"Talked back to you like that."

"You said they talked to you though."

"I did," Papa said as he and the other totems floated over to the blonde. "The others were quiet most of the time. You know they're shy."

Bickslow groaned in frustration and shook his head. "Papa… You're a dick." Out of all of his babies, Papa was the most outgoing. He would be the one to blab about something that Bickslow didn't want anyone knowing. Papa was the first soul he had ever found, so he knew pretty much everything about the Seith mage. "What'd he tell you, Cosplayer?"

"Not much," Lucy answered softly. "He said to talk to you…"

Bickslow slowly sat up a little more, then crossed his legs in front of him - being careful of the fact that there was a tube spearing into his urethra. He sighed again and ran a hand up over his face and into his hair, then tensed.  _'Shit…'_  He looked around the room quickly, his eyes wide and worried. "Uh, where's my visor at?"

Lucy shifted uncomfortably. "... Umm, well…"

"Shit, Cosplayer. Where the fuck is it?" Bickslow asked worriedly. "I need that… Oh, fuck…"

"I-I don't know," Lucy stuttered, watching as Bickslow began rubbing his hands together quickly and chewing faster. "I didn't see it in the alley, but it was pretty dark… So, maybe I missed it?" Her brows pushed together in concern when he looked back at her, a soft green glow starting to shine in the rings of his irises. "Bickslow, your eyes… Is everything alright?"

* * *

_**So lost for so long to find to my way  
I failed to follow, I'm out of place** _

* * *

"Fuck," Bickslow whimpered, clamping his eyes shut. "N-No… I need my visor. Or… Something to cover my eyes…" It seemed his body was finally starting to catch up, throwing all those withdrawal symptoms he should have gotten past during the first week at him all at once. "Fuck me!" he hissed. "My magic goes all wonky during withdrawal… Son of a  _bitch_!" The worst part of it all though was that it actually hurt. A lot. His eyes would start burning when they went out of control, and there wasn't a damn thing he could do to make it stop. Add onto that, the more he started stressing out, the worse it would get. He really just couldn't catch a fucking break.

"Bickslow," the totems whispered worriedly as he started rubbing his eyes. "Are you okay?"

"N-No, babies," Bickslow whimpered. "Fuck… It hurts…"

Lucy watched as he bit his lips, noticing a couple tears leaking down his cheeks before his head dropped back onto the pillow. She needed to think of something that could help him. Anything.  _'Something to cover his eyes!'_  She could do that. Maybe. Lucy pulled her keys from her bag, quickly singling out the one she needed, then called her trusty spirit.

"Punishment, Princess?" Virgo asked once she stood from her bow.

Bickslow's watery eyes shot open when he heard another voice, and he looked at the odd, pink-haired maid with shackles on her wrists. "What the hell, Cosplayer?"

Lucy stood to her feet, and quickly whispered in Virgo's ear, telling her just what she would need. The maid looked over at Bickslow for only a moment, making sure to avoid the brilliant green glow that Leo had told her about, then nodded and disappeared to the spirit world.

"What was that all about?" Bickslow asked, swiping his fingers just under his eyes to rid himself of the burning tears on his cheeks. Not a moment later, she was back with a pair of sunglasses in her hand.

"Big brother says he can have these," Virgo said softly, handing the glasses to the sweet blonde with another low bow.

Lucy gave Virgo a small thanks and watched as she disappeared in a puff of golden sparkles, then blindly handed the glasses to Bickslow. "Here," she said gently, "They're from Loke. They should help."

Bickslow quickly put the sunglasses on, wincing at how different it was to not have his visor covering his eyes. He found himself sniffling a little, but he ignored it. He hated this so much. The burning, the fact that he couldn't keep his eyes under control, and just how much it reminded him of demons from the past that he really just wanted to forget about. Luckily, only his Figure Eyes got out of control while he was going through withdrawal. He didn't know what he'd do if he couldn't keep his babies under control too. It wasn't like they'd start rampaging or anything, but no one would be able to hear them, and they wouldn't be able to fly around. Once the worst of the pain faded, he sighed and popped another piece of gum in his mouth. "Thanks again, Cosplayer…"

Lucy fidgeted for a moment as she stood next to the bed, then slowly looked over at Bickslow. He wasn't looking at her, which she couldn't really blame him for, but she just couldn't stop herself from giggling. "You look weird with Loke's glasses on."

Bickslow chuckled softly while looking down at his hands. "Feels pretty weird…" The pain was going away though, which either meant that his eyes had stopped glowing, or they just weren't putting out way too much power right then. "Are they still glowing?"

When Bickslow hesitantly lifted his head, then looked up at her, Lucy nodded. "A little," she said, hesitantly taking a seat on the edge of the bed again. She frowned slightly when Bickslow put the smallest bit of extra distance between them and started rubbing at his arm again. "Are you…" She sighed heavily. Was she really going to ask if he was okay? "Well, that's a dumb question," Lucy mumbled.

Bickslow grimaced. "Yeah, I'm doing fabulous," he drawled sarcastically. "Even better when my skin stops fucking  _itching_ …"

Lucy leaned forward and grabbed his hands when he started scratching both forearms frantically. "Here," she whispered, "Let me help you."

Bickslow let out a heavy sigh as Lucy placed his hands on the blanket before moving to sit cross-legged in front of him. His hands kept clenching over and over again, and he closed his eyes to try and block everything out. After a moment, he jumped when he felt slow circles being rubbed over his forearms. The same circles that angel had drawn on his hand. Lucy, not an angel. The same circles  _Lucy_  had been drawing on his hand while he was in a coma. Up to his elbows, then down onto his hands, expertly avoiding the IV tube that was taped to his wrist. Up, then back down. Slow. Soothing. Calming. Just what he needed.

"Is this helping?"

He nodded slowly, letting out a long breath. "How did you know this would help?" he asked curiously. Sure, he knew he needed to rub instead of scratch, but her? Did all that shit the doctor told him she'd read actually mention something like this?

When Bickslow slowly opened his eyes, Lucy smiled. "My mom," she said softly. "I used to scratch myself really badly if I got a bug bite. So, she told me that I had to rub when I was itchy, otherwise I'd have scabs all over."

"Sounds like she taught you a bunch..." He let out another slow breath when she moved to his upper arms, her fingers gliding beneath the sleeves of the hospital gown. Up to his shoulders, then back down to his wrists. Not massaging, just thin and lightly calloused fingers moving over his skin. Over and over as he looked at her face. He wished his mom had taught him something. Anything. But she hadn't. Not that he knew of, at least. Aside from the basics when he was a baby, like eating and using a toilet, she just didn't care.  _'Don't think about her. Don't… Think about something else. Anything…'_

Lucy's smile saddened considerably. "She did."

Bickslow wondered what it was like, having someone that cared about you. A parent that gave a rat's ass about how you turned out. It must have been nice. He couldn't stop thinking about his past though, about the ones that should have taken care of him, but had failed.  _'Don't think about it. Anything but her. Anything… C'mon… Think about something else…'_

He watched Lucy. The soft smile on her face, how she wasn't staring at the scars all over his arms from his habit. She really was pretty, but there was more to her than that. He could see it. He could practically feel it. She was nice and kind and caring. Only someone like that would stick around in the hospital for a whole week with a stranger. She was forgiving. She didn't seem to hate him for what happened.  _"Was she nice to you, babies?"_

" _Yeah. Cosplayer played games with us,"_  the totems silently answered.  _"She would sing and dance with us. She's really sweet, Bickslow."_

" _Are you sure though? She's… She's not gonna hurt us, right?"_

" _No. She won't hurt us… She was crying that night when she got you here. She was worried about you."_

"Why did you help me, Cosplayer?" Bickslow finally whispered, his voice trembling slightly. "I tried to kill you…"

Lucy's hands stilled. "Are you sorry for doing that?"

Was he sorry? Yeah. Of course he was. He hadn't wanted to do it in the first place, but Laxus had never steered him wrong before. Why would his best friend steer him wrong then? Besides, he didn't think anyone in the guild was weak. Not like him. None of them were stuck with a few loose screws, a meth addiction, and a barrel full of self-hatred. Just him. "Yeah," he whispered with a nod, looking down at his hands. "I am."

Lucy smiled gently, and lifted her fingers to his chin. She slowly pushed his head up until he met her gaze. "Then I forgive you." When his jaw dropped open in surprise, she couldn't help but laugh. Freed and Evergreen had given her much the same look when she'd told them the same thing. "Don't look so shocked. We're all part of Fairy Tail, which means we forgive each other when we make mistakes."

Bickslow blinked slowly. "Are you sure  _you're_  not on something?" he whispered incredulously. How… How could she forgive him for that?

"C'mon," Lucy laughed, shaking her head while she started rubbing her hands over his arms again. "Gajeel  _tortured_  me, and I forgave him. You and I just fought each other."

Bickslow chuckled sadly. "And you whipped my ass…"

Lucy shrugged. "Loke helped. Two on one wasn't all that fair, but... Well, it needed to be done, I guess." She watched him deflate in an instant while he nodded. He really could see that what the Raijinshuu had done was wrong. She knew that just by looking at him. Still, she wanted to know more about him. Especially… "How long have you been using, Bickslow?"

Bickslow jolted in surprise and looked back at her face. Only to find some expression he couldn't name, something that he'd never seen directed at him before without an air of condescension surrounding it. Concern, maybe? "Uh… Well…" he muttered.

" _You can trust her,"_  his totems silently whispered.  _"She just wants to help."_

"A few years," Bickslow finally said. "I started when I was about fifteen, before I joined the guild."

"How did you keep something like this from your team though?" she asked softly.

"Laxus knows," he whispered sadly, looking out toward the night sky through the window. "He was trying to get me clean... And I was for a couple months... Last year..."

"Laxus?" she asked in shock. Sure, she'd been told that the Master's grandson was normally Bickslow's emergency contact, but she just assumed that it was because he was the leader of their team. Just like Erza was her emergency contact - because, regardless of their team's name, Erza was clearly the one in charge. "I didn't think he was capable of doing something like that."

Bickslow scowled at her. "Like  _what_?" he asked defensively. Did she mean she didn't think Bickslow could ever get clean? That Laxus had just been wasting his time on a failure like him? He already knew that was the case, but he didn't need the blonde rubbing that shit in his face.

"Like caring about anyone aside from himself…"

Bickslow sneered and pushed her hands away, then wrapped his arms around himself while he started chewing the now tasteless gum even faster. "You don't know a goddamn thing about him, Cosplayer," he spat. "Don't talk shit about him."

* * *

_**Crossing lines, small crimes  
Taking back what is mine** _

* * *

Lucy was definitely taken aback for a moment by the sheer amount of venom in his voice, and her first reaction was to just apologize and gather her belongings and leave. But… Bickslow's totems floated over to her and started gently nuzzling her stomach, giving her silent encouragement. Bickslow seemed to have some pretty serious mood swings, so she just had to tread lightly. "You're right, I don't know Laxus," Lucy conceded. She wanted to reach out to him, just to hold the guy who'd started trembling and gripping his waist as tightly as possible. "The only experience I have where he's concerned," she continued, "Is what you guys did a couple weeks ago. And him telling Mira that he wasn't going to help us during the Phantom War even though Master was hurt and they were trying to kidnap me."

Bickslow closed his eyes and shook his head. Laxus hadn't told them about that. Not at all. When Freed had asked about the guild, Laxus said everything was fine… They didn't hear about any of that Phantom Lord shit until they came back a few days after Gajeel joined. "He's…" Bickslow whispered, his voice wavering slightly. "He's a good guy, Cosplayer. He really is…"

"I never got to see that about him though," Lucy said, slowly reaching forward and pulling Bickslow's arms from around himself. She was surprised when his hands instantly closed around hers before she could even start rubbing his arms again, but she decided to just go with it.

"Laxus was trying to help me," Bickslow said sadly. "He told me to call him whenever I needed to, and he'd be there for me. Dead of the fucking night, right when I was about to shoot up, he'd come running. He'd stop me... Laxus would throw it all out, shock the shit outta me, and then stay with me until I got through it."

"He would shock you?" Lucy asked as her eyebrows raised in surprise. "Why?"

"Have you ever tried to get a needle away from a junkie that's jonesing for a fix?" he asked wryly. "Not a walk in the park. I think I broke his nose once." He paused and looked down at where his hands had closed over hers. He hadn't meant to do it, but… She was rubbing small circles over his fingers with her thumbs. Even right then, after he'd gotten all shitty at her for thinking what everyone else did, that Laxus was an asshole that only cared about himself… She was still trying to help him. "I don't know what I'm gonna do now that he's gone..."

Lucy's eyebrows pushed together as she cocked her head to one side. "You could tell your team," she whispered, "Or Master. He'll help you." She'd seen firsthand just how worried Bickslow's team was every time they visited. Every single day, from morning until visiting hours were over. There were going on a mission, taking the first train in the morning, because Freed had said that hospital stays could really eat into someone's jewels.  _'They're taking a request just to make sure the bill is paid,'_  she thought,  _'Why wouldn't he think to talk to them?'_

"Freed and Ever will just be pissed at me," Bickslow sighed. "Or brush it off as me joking around. And… Laxus always said that Master might just kick me out for it… It's why we kept it quiet. Laxus was gonna help me get off of it so no one had to know…"

Lucy just didn't see how Bickslow could be so blind to the fact that Freed and Evergreen, and Master Makarov for that matter, cared about him. They wouldn't brush off something as serious as an addiction. And she was sure that Freed wouldn't think he was joking around. The Rune mage was far too intelligent for that. He would listen to Bickslow, then put the pieces together rapid-fire, and know it was the truth. "Well," she said after a moment's hesitation, "What about staying at a hospital, or going to reh-"

Bickslow quickly shook his head, his hands unconsciously gripping hers tighter. "No…  _Hell_  no. I fucking  _hate_  hospitals. They lock you up and throw away the key… They…" He shook his head again, then let go of Lucy's hands to tightly grip his hair. He probably looked like a damn lunatic right then, but he didn't care. He couldn't find it in himself to care one damn bit. Everyone already thought he was crazy, so what did it matter? His fingers sifted through the longer blue strands of his mohawk, and he grimaced when he felt the oil building up on his scalp. "God, this is fucking disgusting…" Again, he wasn't a germophobe… He just liked hygiene. Proper hygiene.

"Well, I can ask…" Lucy paused and looked at the clock on the wall behind her, just next to the lacrima television. "Katya if you're cleared for a shower or a bath."

"Who the hell is Katya?"

Lucy smiled as she sat up on her knees. She gently pulled his hands from his hair, and slowly untangled the intravenous tube from around his ear. "Missy is on 'lunch' - well, a break, since it's graveyard - and Katya takes her place at the nurses' station, then heads back down to the ER when she comes back. She's actually on break too, but it's pretty tame up here in comparison to the ER."

"Got their life stories, too?" Bickslow chuckled.

Lucy laughed with a devious glint in her eyes. "Maybe I did."

Bickslow found himself laughing just a little more at the look on her face. "That's a pretty good Mira face, Cosplayer. But yeah. A shower would be fucking amazing... And a toothbrush... Seriously, I need to brush my teeth..."

Lucy's smiled widened, and she rolled her eyes dramatically. "I can smell your breath from here," she giggled, leaning forward and carefully crawling over his leg to reach the little call button for the nurse's station. "It's more minty than Gray's Winterfresh jizz."

Bickslow's eyes widened and he choked on his gum just as Lucy pressed the call button.  _That_  was something he hadn't been expecting from the little blonde. Not in the slightest. If the slightly pervy comment wasn't enough, then the sight of her back arched and her tight ass sticking up in the air while she playing an imaginary game of Twister with him as the mat sure as hell did the job.  _'Oh god. If I die from a piece of gum, I'm gonna punch something…'_  That would be his luck too. Killed by gum while staring at a blonde girl's ass. He was apparently incapable of overdosing properly, but give him a small, spit-covered bit of rubbery goodness, and he'd find a way to kick the bucket.

Lucy laughed and started carefully patting Bickslow's back once the line connected. "Katya, it's Lucy," she giggled.

"Hey, sugar," Katya crooned. "I heard Mr. Tall, Dark, and Delicious woke up. Oh, is he okay in there?"

Lucy rolled her eyes and laughed again, switching from patting Bickslow's back to rubbing large circles over his surprisingly broad, muscular shoulders while she was propped up on her hands and knees. She wasn't aware of the position she was in, or the fact that it was partly to blame for Bickslow's constricted airways. "He's fine. Just a little gum joke…"

"Did you just say... Never mind…" Katya laughed. "What's up? Did you call to chat now that your hubby's awake? Because you know we're not opposed to giving you two a do not disturb sign if you need to work off some pent up energy. Call it physical therapy."

Bickslow snickered when he saw Lucy blushing. "Can't do a damn thing with this catheter, Kitty Kat."

"Oh, Lucy. He sounds as sexy as he looks!" the nurse giggled. "The nurse should be by soon to take that out."

Bickslow sighed. "Can I just do it myself?"

Lucy turned to look at him, her face a mask of disgust. "Ew! No! You wait for a professional."

He just shrugged. "I've done it before, and my dick has survived..."

"That's not the point and you know it."

"See?" Katya laughed. "Deny it all you want, sugar. You two are  _so_ in love."

Bickslow saw Lucy's mouth open to say something, most likely to deny that they were an item of any sort, but he was all for making her blush some more.  _'She's even cuter when she blushes…'_  With another laugh, he said, "Yeah, we are  _so_  in love. Why do you think she's still here?"

"Because I'm delusional, and a total bleeding heart," Lucy muttered petulantly. After a moment, she turned to scowl at Bickslow over her shoulder. "And because you scared the piss out of me!"

"True," Bickslow sighed, giving her a sad smile. "But that wasn't my intention, Cosplayer."

"Oh? You're his Cosplayer, huh?" Katya crooned. "What's the last thing you dressed up as?"

Without thinking, Lucy automatically said, "A cheerleader." She watched Bickslow's eyes dancing with amusement behind Loke's glasses, and her face flushed a deeper crimson once his dark blue eyebrows waggled and his tongue lolled from his mouth. "I-It wasn't like that though!" she shouted quickly. "We were in public! Oh god…. I mean, I was like that on a  _stage_  in public… Damnit… Hey! Stop laughing at me!"

Katya laughed when she heard a small, masculine grunt followed by more laughter from the man that had just woken up. He was definitely a lively one now that he was awake, and it seemed that there was even more life in Lucy's voice. She hadn't yelled or screamed or anything like that in the entire week she'd been at the hospital. She hadn't really laughed all that much either from what the nurse had seen. But now… Well, it was definitely nice to hear her like this. She looked down the hall and spotted the young, pink-haired nurse going toward room 407. "Nurse Joy is on her way."

"Thanks, Kat!" Lucy called back happily before trying to swat at Bickslow again. For someone that had just woken up from a coma, he was surprisingly agile. Even while sitting in one place, cross-legged. Okay, maybe her aim just sucked something fierce.

Bickslow cackled when she missed again, watching as his babies steadied her so she couldn't fall off the bed. "Oh, Cosplayer… you should  _sooo_  dress up as a cat next!" His tongue fell from his mouth again when he heard Katya laughing as the line cut off, watching as Lucy sighed and shook her head while smiling up at him. He'd never thought a girl like her would want to be anywhere near someone like him, and he definitely didn't think Lucy would smile at  _him_  the way she was. But… He liked it a lot.

Bickslow wouldn't tell her that though. She didn't need someone like him coming around and fucking with her life. He didn't need someone like her messing everything up and trying to fix him. Laxus had failed, so there was no way  _she_  could succeed. But, for once, he didn't dwell on that. Instead, he just enjoyed the small reprieve from the itching and pain and sadness. It was nice, and nice was something he could get behind, for as long as it lasted.

" _Cosplayer's nice, babies."_

" _Yeah, she is. Pretty too."_

" _Yep."_  Bickslow chuckled and caught Lucy's hands just as the door to his room opened, and he grinned down at her when she lost her balance and fell in his lap. The back of her head was on his thigh, and she was panting and smiling up at him, seemingly oblivious to the position she was in.  _"She's really pretty, babies…"_ It was just too bad Lucy wouldn't be able to fix him.

* * *

_**I'm fine in the fire** _   
_**I feed on the friction** _   
_**I'm right where I should be** _   
_**Don't try and fix me** _

__


	6. Mourning Air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Portishead: Mourning Air

 

 _**Did I see a moment with you** _  
_**In a half lit world** _  
_**I'm frightened to believe** _  
_**But I must try** _

* * *

Lucy sighed as she cut off the lacrima connection with Erza. It had been two full days since Bickslow had woken up, but something had come up. She'd told the Requip mage that her friend had woken up from his coma, and that she wanted to stay at the hospital to help him until he was discharged, but things just hadn't worked out that way. There was apparently some mission that had come to the guild, an S-Class that Erza decided the whole team needed to be a part of. She couldn't really blame her though. Erza was the only active S-Class mage now that Laxus was gone, and Mira was nowhere near ready to go on missions even if she'd been able to use her magic during the Battle of Fairy Tail. So, yeah. Erza had to take it.

Lucy's issue was that Natsu and Gray were going on the mission, so she didn't see why  _she_  was needed as well. Between the three of them, they could handle anything. Then again, taking a job would help to replenish her dwindling savings. She had some things to buy anyway.

"So, time to get back to reality, huh?" Bickslow asked from his spot on the bed. He'd heard everything, since Lucy was sitting cross-legged on the foot of his bed while they played a game of Go Fish - mainly because it was simple enough that he could focus on it right then. He knew he hadn't been a bucket of roses to be around the past couple days, but she hadn't seemed to mind all that much.

Lucy had been helping him in any way she could. When he was wheeled down for tests to make sure the coma hadn't made him into a total fucking retard, or to see just how fucked up his brain really was, or to talk to a shrink or a drug counselor, Lucy would wait for him in his room with a smile as soon as he came back.

The hospital staff had tried telling him that he had to leave his babies in the room, that the five wooden totems could be contaminated, and that he didn't really need them with him just for an MRI. Where he'd grown silent and was ready to just deal with it - because he knew that his babies would be fine on their own for a bit - she'd surprised him by turning into a raging monster. She was all quiet scowling and hushed words until the male nurse that was supposed to be pushing his wheelchair had turned into a misogynist. That had resulted in Lucy screaming her face off, slapping the guy around, calling his manhood into question, then actually  _kicking_  him out of the room and into the hallway. When a doctor rushed in and asked what was going on, thinking that Bickslow had been the one to throw the asshole out into the hallway, Lucy had become a combination of Mira and Erza. Quiet malevolence and a terrifying fucking smile. Needless to say, his babies were allowed to go everywhere with him. And Lucy said that he didn't need to switch them to anything else, because the hospital, as she so eloquently whispered in his ear, could "suck her big, fat dick and choke on it".

Aside from beating orderlies, Lucy made sure he had what he needed. A toothbrush and toothpaste, halfway decent body wash and shampoo instead of the hospital grade shit, tons of gum for him to chew, books to read to take his mind off of things - not that it would work, but she was trying - and a pack of cards to keep his hands busy. She'd gotten a little puke bucket from the nurse when he got his first meal, and ended up rubbing circles over his back when he ate way too damn fast after a week of nothing but intravenous nourishment. Then she did it again a few hours earlier when he finally got to have solid food and upchucked everywhere. Hell, the blonde even had her spirit Virgo bring him some clothes to wear whenever they decided to discharge him.

Bickslow hadn't been all that social, but she took it in stride. He'd wanted to sleep through his withdrawal, but that just couldn't happen. They actually had to give him something just so he could relax enough to sleep at night. Instead of being miffed by his generally grouchy attitude, or the fact that he kept switching between being an asshole and trying to make light of the situation, Lucy simply smiled in understanding and did her own thing. If Bickslow wanted to talk, then she'd listen and participate in the conversation. If he wanted to be left alone, Lucy would just talk with his babies. And if he wanted to be left alone in  _silence_ , then she would shrug and start reading a book.

He was pretty sure nothing could really bother her, with the exception of that orderly, but he was wrong. And he was seeing the proof of that while he watched her stare at the blank lacrima orb in her hand. She really looked like she didn't want to leave, but there wasn't anything she could do. Her hands were tied. He'd heard the tone Erza had used, and he heard about the mission. The blonde had to go, there were just no two ways about it. "You'd better get goin', Cosplayer," he said after she sat in complete silence for more than a couple minutes. "Better to not leave your team waiting."

Lucy looked up from the lacrima and sighed. She didn't want to leave. What she wanted was to stay with Bickslow and help him get through this. She'd seen that he was already having a hard time with things, and she wanted to do whatever she could to make it a little easier for him. He was restless, and his babies had told her while he was sleeping the night before that being cooped up in the hospital wasn't helping. He apparently hated hospitals, but they wouldn't say why. She couldn't really blame him though. Lucy didn't like them all that much either. "I-I guess," she whispered.

Bickslow popped another piece of gum in his mouth, then said, "Well, how about we finish our game first? Then you can head out."

Lucy smiled at that. "I'd like that." She looked back down at the cards in her hand, then said, "It's your turn."

"Got any… fives?"

Lucy huffed and glared playfully at him, then pulled the three fives she'd been saving from her hand and passed them to the smug-faced Seith mage.

"How about some twos?"

"Ha!" Lucy shouted. "Go fish!"

Bickslow chuckled and shook his head, then drew a card.

"Sixes?"

"Sorry, Cosplayer. Go fish." He grinned when Lucy pouted and pulled a card from the messy pile on the bed between them. Back and forth, they continued with the simple game until he was left with only one card. "Tell me you've got three Queens," he muttered.

"Shut up," Lucy grumbled with another pout, although the corners of her mouth pulled up into a small smile when he set the final trick of cards down. "Looks like you win. You got most of the deck over there."

Bickslow shrugged. "I've always been good at it."

"It's a game of luck though."

He smirked. "Looks like I'm a lucky guy then." And that was the understatement of a lifetime. He was still alive, after all. As Lucy slowly collected the cards and shuffled them, he sighed and looked over at her bag. She always kept her stuff packed up, and just pulled whatever she needed from the duffel bag, so there was no reason for her to spend extra time trying to gather her things. It shouldn't matter to him though. He didn't need Lucy around. He didn't need her there to spend time with him.

" _That's a crock of shit,"_  Papa silently huffed.  _"You like having her here."_

" _I shouldn't…"_

Lucy didn't want to stop shuffling, and she probably would have done it for hours if it hadn't been for Bickslow placing his hand over hers. She didn't look up at him though. Instead, she listened to how softly he was speaking.

"Time to go, Cosplayer. Don't want Erza coming down here and slicing everything to shreds."

Lucy nodded, then grabbed Bickslow's hands when he tried to pull them away. She'd offered to help him get clean a couple times when he was out of the hospital, well more like  _stay_  clean because he hadn't had anything for a week by that point. He'd never said he wanted her help though. He just ignored it every time she mentioned it. Maybe she was being pushy, but she just wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. "Hey, Bickslow," she said softly. "I know you probably don't want me bringing it up, but… I'm here for you, alright? I want to help you stay clean, if… If you'll let me." She looked up at him then to see his face had closed down. He was as stoic as Freed - who she'd talked to the night before to see how his mission with Evergreen was going and to let him know that Bickslow was awake, and told her that they would be back in Magnolia in a week's time - and that look on his face made her internally cringe. "I'm not… I'm not trying to say anything bad, I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I'm fine, Cosplayer," he said shortly.

Lucy sighed and nodded. That was what she'd expected him to say. "Well… I'm gonna stop on my way home and pick up a lacrima. You said that you used to call Laxus when you needed help, but he's… Well, you should have someone that you can call if you want."

"You don't need to do that."

"Well, I'm doing it anyway," Lucy said softly. "You can call me if you want to, and I'll do what I can to help you. Or… Well, even if you get bored while you're stuck in here."

"I'm good…"

"Okay…"

Bickslow sat in silence while Lucy got up and grabbed her bag, then laid himself down and closed his eyes. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, but a surprisingly large part of him didn't want to see her leaving. Watching a blonde walk away from him was fucking painful, even if she wasn't a huge, muscled monstrosity like his best friend. He could hear her shuffling around, and heard his babies whispering to her. Then her footsteps got further and further away.

Lucy turned once she reached the door to Bickslow's room, and frowned when she saw him lying down with the little wooden totems lined up in front of his face. He was just looking at them, completely silent. "I'll see you around, Bickslow," she said quietly. "Really though. Call me if you need anything. Any time, alright?"

He didn't respond, and instead listened to Lucy sigh and walk out of the room. He wasn't sure how long he laid there, but after some time Bickslow slowly sat up and grabbed his own lacrima from the end table. He refused to dwell on how lonely the room was without her there. He couldn't let himself think about that. Instead, he decided that maybe he just needed someone to talk to. Someone that knew what was going on with him. The only person he'd wanted to talk to this whole time. Laxus would be able to make him feel better, at least a little bit. Besides, he missed his best friend. Even if Laxus couldn't, or wouldn't, come back just because Bickslow had gotten put in a hospital again… He just wanted to know that the blond was doing okay. And he wanted to hear from his friend that he could do this. He could get clean if he really wanted to.

The lacrima pulsed as the call tried to connect, and the longer it went on, the less hope Bickslow had. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse. Then nothing. It was blank. Empty.

He tried again. "Laxus, I need to talk to you," he whispered to himself. "Just answer…"

"Bickslow," Papa sighed when the Seith mage sniffled and tried to make the call a third time.

"N-No, Papa," Bickslow whimpered. "He'll answer. Laxus always answers…"

Blank. No response. Empty. Another missed call. Then another. The lacrima darkened again. And again. Eight missed calls. Nine... Ten...

"Bickslow," the totems hummed worriedly. "Don't cry…"

"But… L-Laxus told me t-to…" Eleven calls... Twelve.

"Laxus left," Papa sighed as Popo and Pipi gently pulled the lacrima from Bickslow's trembling hands.

"But he a-always answers," Bickslow sniffled. Laxus really was gone. Forever. He'd lost his best friend, and the pain that he'd been trying to avoid with his weeklong binge came rushing back. Bickslow hadn't realized that Lucy being around for the past couple days had made him forget about that. He hadn't been thinking about why he'd done it, why he'd wanted to kill himself. She'd kept those thoughts at bay, and kept the worst of his sadness and pain from taking over. And now… Now he was alone.

Freed and Evergreen hadn't come to see him in the hospital once. Lucy said they left on a mission the morning after he woke up from his coma. They probably saw that he was in the hospital and decided to take a job so they wouldn't have to deal with him. Lucy was there, so why should they be there too? They didn't care about him. Not like Laxus had. But now… Now, Laxus didn't care either. He'd never ignored a call from Bickslow before, but everything was different now. Bickslow was alone when he really didn't want to be.

"B-Babies…" Bickslow cried, pulling the little wooden totems close to his chest while he curled up under the blanket. "Don't leave me, okay? P-Promise?"

"We promise, Bickslow," they whispered tenderly. "We'll  _never_  leave you."

He didn't want to be alone, but that's what he was. Aside from his babies, Bickslow was always alone. Abandoned. Kicked to the curb. Left out in the rain. No one stuck around. No one stayed by his side. At least he had his babies though. That had to be enough, because there was no one else. "I-I love you, b-babies…"

"We love you too, Bickslow."

* * *

_**If I stumble if I fall  
I'm reaching out in this mourning air** _

* * *

"This way," Papa said urgently as he floated in front of the other four totems that were holding Bickslow upright. The late afternoon sun was slowly disappearing past the horizon, and he could only hope that someone would answer the door when the Seith mage was finally able to stumble his way up the stairs. "Second floor."

Pepe and Popo moved just a little higher on Bickslow's back when he started putting more weight on them. "It's okay, Bickslow. Almost there."

The Seith mage let out a soft sigh as he climbed the stairs. "Babies, c'mon," he muttered. "Let's go home…"

"Not yet," Papa answered. He waited until the other four totems had Bickslow leaning against the wall, then turned and bashed his little wooden body into the door he was floating in front of. Several times. After a moment's pause, he did it again. "Damnit," he whispered, "Come on… Answer…"

The totems hummed worriedly. "Maybe no one's home," Pupu said sadly.

Just as Papa was about to knock again, the lock turned over and the door flew open to reveal just the person he was looking for. Blonde hair, brown eyes, pink guild mark. "Lucy," he sighed in relief.

Lucy blinked in confusion when the little totem flew up to eye level. She was just about to sit down to work on her novel when she heard the knocking, but no one she knew ever knocked. They just came right inside, even when her doors and windows were locked. She didn't know how long she'd stood rooted to the spot, just staring at the large wooden barrier, unsure of what was happening, but she finally came back to herself and answered it. Only to find one of Bickslow's totems hovering right there. "Papa?" she asked, her thin brow furrowed. "Where's Bickslow?"

Bickslow's eyes slid closed as he leaned heavily against the wall. He grimaced and licked his lips, then felt his babies slowly lowering him to the ground so he could sit for a minute.

"He's right here, Lucy," Papa said sadly, floating back a couple feet so she could look out into the hallway.

Lucy frowned and looked around, then her eyes widened when she saw the Seith mage slumped on the floor with his babies hovering around him and his knees pulled to his chest. "Oh my god," she whispered. She rushed out into the hall and knelt on the floor in front of him. "Bickslow, are you alright?"

Bickslow's eyes creaked open to look up at the blonde through his visor. "No," he groaned, "Cosplayer… I fucked up…"

Lucy looked around the hallway, making sure none of the other tenants - that she had never actually met in the first place - were around, then turned back to Bickslow. "Okay, let's get you inside." She draped one of his arms over her shoulders, then helped him stand up, silently sending thanks to his babies for assisting her since she knew firsthand how heavy the guy was. Once he was on his feet, she led him into the apartment, closing and locking the door behind them. "What happened?" she asked softly while they made their way to the couch.

Bickslow sighed heavily once he was seated on the light blue, cushiony goodness. His eyes peeked open when he felt the clips on his visor coming undone, and he blinked oh-so-slowly once the metal grate was pulled away and his hood was pushed down. "Outta drugs… I…" He sighed again and grimaced. "God, I feel like shit…"

Lucy stood between his spread legs while Bickslow lounged back on the couch. She carefully set his visor on the coffee table, then brushed the long blue strands of hair back from his glistening forehead that was a few degrees too hot. "You didn't call me," she whispered.

Bickslow winced. That was what he was waiting for. It was what he expected, to be honest. Lucy had told him repeatedly while he was in the hospital that she wanted to help him. He knew that she was going to get herself a lacrima specifically for him to be able to reach her whenever he needed help. He hadn't believed her though. Well, not entirely. Hesitantly, he peered at her to see just how pissed she was, and found himself extremely surprised when he didn't see anger at all. She just looked worried. "Didn't wanna," he finally answered. "Well, I  _did_ … But… I didn't wanna bother you."

And that was the truth. She didn't need his shit in her life. He didn't want to bother her or anyone else with his problems. It was hard enough trying to get his team off his back about the whole 'being in a coma' thing. He didn't want someone worrying about him, because… Bickslow knew he just wasn't worth the effort. He wasn't worth anyone's time. Lucy had it pretty good from what he could tell, and he'd only drag her down and make her miserable. That's why he hadn't called even when his babies kept telling him to. Hell, if Papa could have managed it, the little shit would have called Lucy himself. Bickslow knew his babies meant well, that they wanted him to stop… But, he couldn't. He was a fuck-up, an addict, and that was just his lot in life.

Lucy smiled softly. "It's no bother, Bickslow. I told you in the hospital… I want to help you."

He frowned at that. "I'm not a fucking charity case, y'know." He didn't want her helping him out of pity, or anything like that. He'd gotten himself into this, and now he had to deal with it. Hopefully, by getting to his dealer when he woke up. That would sort this shit out real quick.

"I never said you were," Lucy replied. That had been abrupt. He went from looking exhausted to downright pissed. When Bickslow was in the hospital, he'd seemed like he really did want to get clean. She'd seen it while he was lying in that bed and looking at his babies just before she left. Bickslow had even told her himself that Laxus was trying to help him stop, so why would he think that she was just trying to treat him like some lost little kid that needed a hand to hold? That wasn't why she was doing this. It wasn't why she'd offered to help him. She was genuinely worried about him, and based on the fact that she'd found him in an alley, on the verge of dying… He needed support to get clean and stay that way. "Bickslow, your my friend, and I'm worried about you. That's why I want to help you."

Bickslow sighed and closed his eyes. "You don't even know me, Cosplayer," he grumbled. And she didn't. Sure, Lucy had stayed in the hospital with him for a couple days. She'd kept him company, and made sure he didn't scratch his shit to shreds. She made sure he had a toothbrush and some gum, and that the nurses knew he'd be needing more after she went home. But, she hadn't stuck around. Just a couple days, and the blonde had all but rushed out of there. He'd felt so damn lonely all over again, and he hated that she'd been the one to make him feel that way when it shouldn't have meant anything. His team hadn't come to see him in the hospital at all. An entire week of just being stuck there. Talking to shrinks, dealing with physical therapy, nurses asking why Lucy was gone. And then trying to call Laxus every single day... It sucked. As soon as he was out, he got his fix then headed to the guild only to find Lucy gone. It shouldn't have mattered that she wasn't there, but for some reason... He'd hoped she would be there. That he could've seen her.

" _She left to go on a mission, Bickslow,"_  Papa silently told him.

" _I don't remember her saying anything about it though…"_

" _You don't have the best memory…"_

" _Yeah, she didn't wanna leave the hospital,"_ the other totems added.

" _Sure, babies. Whatever you say."_

"I'd like to," she whispered hopefully. She couldn't help but giggle when he looked at her in shock. "I consider you my friend, and I'd  _like_  to know more about you."

She really looked sincere. She looked like she really  _wanted_  to know more about him. Like she wanted to be his friend. He still hadn't figured out how the hell she'd forgiven him for the Battle of Fairy Tail so quickly, or why she'd gotten him out of that alley and to a hospital when she really had no obligation to him whatsoever. But, would it really be alright if he let her in? If he let the sweet and beautiful blonde - because he wasn't blind, he could see Lucy really was fucking beautiful - really get to know him, would that be a good thing?

Bickslow looked away sadly, staring down at the chipped nail polish on his nails. He hardly remembered painting them in the first place, but the presence of a thin layer of black polish meant that he'd done it, and hadn't waited to add a second coat. "You really meant that then," he whispered. She did. He could feel it. His babies' souls were humming in a way that only happened around Lucy. They reacted differently to everyone, but this hum. How they sounded, and the way he could see their little souls warming up… They trusted her. They trusted Lucy like they trusted him. Papa and the others had never reacted this strongly to Laxus. "You… wanna help me?" he asked uncertainly.

Lucy nodded, slowly pulling her fingers from Bickslow's hair when she realized she was still brushing them through it. "I do. So, just relax right here, and I'll be back in just a minute."

Bickslow sighed while Lucy walked away and disappeared down a hallway. He really did want help. He did. It wasn't like he could do this on his own, because he just wasn't strong enough. He was too far gone. It was selfish though. So damn selfish. Dragging someone like Lucy into his shit just because she was willing to help. He didn't deserve it, not in the slightest. Not after the things he'd done in the past, how much he'd lied to people or hurt them. Bickslow knew he couldn't keep going on like this, but every time he tried to stop… Something came up. Something that made him need it more and more. He'd see his dealer somewhere and his brain would just tell him to get some speed. Just a little. And the worst part of it all? He could never hear that good side telling him that he shouldn't. He never saw any reason  _not_  to just get high again. Especially because when he was high… When he was soaring right up into the sky with nothing to hold him back… He was free. Nothing could touch him. Nothing could hurt him.  _No one_  could hurt him when he shot up. He was awesome and confident and funny. Why would he want that to go away?

' _Oh, right,'_ he thought.  _'Because it's gonna fucking kill me…'_  He kept flip-flopping back and forth between not wanting to live anymore, and not wanting to leave everything behind. And it fucking sucked. He'd be so damn ready to just off himself, but then he'd see Freed or Evergreen or Laxus. Or his babies. Or a goddamn  _flower_. And it made Bickslow ache to be with them all. To be closer to everyone around him. But he was detached. Alone. Stuck on a damn island while he watched everyone else sailing out to sea and leaving him behind. Bickslow just wanted someone to understand him. That's all he'd really ever wanted. Somebody that gave enough of a shit to find out who he really was inside, to accept him for it. To  _not_  think he's crazy.

* * *

__**Have I got the strength to ask  
Beyond the window  
I feel this fear alone**

* * *

Lucy walked back out of the kitchen with a cool washcloth, and smiled sadly when she saw Bickslow leaning back on the couch with his eyes closed. He looked so much better than he had three weeks prior when she'd found him in the alley. Just a week in the hospital while he was in a coma had him improving a little bit. But when he woke up, once the catheter had been removed and he'd been able to shower and really brush his teeth, he looked ten times better. And that only improved with each passing day in the hospital. He'd eaten real food for the first time in a week, and it had made him sick - mainly because he'd scarfed down that scalding hot soup so quickly that she was sure Natsu would have been impressed - but she'd seen the life returning to him. And he'd gained weight easily, like his body was just waiting for the proper nourishment so it could suck everything up and fill his frame back in.

Still, he looked exhausted, and she didn't really know why. Maybe it was because he didn't have anymore drugs. Or something else. Maybe there was really something wrong. But, he seemed alright enough. Just a little tired and a little sweaty. And thank goodness it wasn't old sweat, or pouring out in buckets. Just a small bit of fresh perspiration. She walked back over to the couch and knelt on the cushion next to him, and found that she could actually smell fresh soap on him. Like he'd taken a shower only minutes before coming to her place. Maybe the sweat was from all the layers he was wearing, she wasn't entirely sure.

Bickslow let out the barest remnant of a smile when he felt a cool washcloth being pressed tenderly to his forehead. "That feels nice," he whispered tiredly. It really did. But in more ways than one. Yeah, the washcloth was helping to cool him down when he hadn't realized he felt kind of warm, but it was more than that. Deeper. She was taking care of him. Lucy didn't need to do this for him. She didn't owe him anything. They had no ties to each other, and it wasn't like he expected her to give a shit about him. But she did. At least a little bit.

Laxus had never done something like this for him. The blond had never randomly tried to help him feel a little more comfortable. If Bickslow needed something, he had to ask for it. Which he hardly ever did. It was like pulling teeth to get him to admit that he was hot or uncomfortable, and he would have to be the one to tell Laxus if he was hungry or thirsty or if he needed a place to sleep. But Bickslow hated asking for help. He hated that, ever since he'd left home, he couldn't take care of himself without depending on someone else. He'd always depended on someone, and more often than not on  _something_. He didn't want to be that way. He never had, but… With everything in his past, there was just no other way. He was too fucked up take care of himself properly.

The cloth in her hand, that small cottony oasis she was giving him, carefully swiped across his brow and down one cheek. Across his chin, up the other side and back over to glide down the bridge of his nose. Around the shell of each ear. Behind one ear, down his neck, across his throat, then up behind the other. From his forehead back through one short, rough black section of his hair, then over to the other side of his mohawk and through the black again. His hairstyle wasn't intentional, and technically all of his hair was the same shade of dark blue. The drugs just made it brittle - insanely so - and when he'd started using, he had a habit of running his hands through his hair where the shorter sections were at now. It broke off, bit by bit, until Laxus had started shocking him every time he touched his hair. Now, it just didn't grow any other way, even though he'd long since stopped running his hands through it as often and occasionally trying to just rip it out.

When Lucy squeezed the excess water from the cloth on his mohawk, then brushed her fingers through his hair, Bickslow's smile widened while he looked up at her again. "You don't need to do this for me though, Cosplayer," he whispered.

"Too late," Lucy giggled. She'd been wondering if maybe she was pushing it a little bit by just doing what came naturally to her, and had been mentally scolding herself the entire time until she saw that smile. It was completely different from what she was used to where Bickslow was concerned. In the hospital, he was all tight smiles or wide grins. This one was soft and gentle and made him look so much younger than twenty one. He looked like a teenager. And a really freaking cute one, if she was being honest with herself. "If you didn't think I'd help, then how come you showed up here?" she asked. She didn't remember telling Bickslow or his babies where she lived, but Lucy was still glad that they'd come. Sometimes she wondered if there was a sign somewhere that had her address on it, since it seemed everyone in Fairy Tail knew it.

* * *

_**Until we have  
Total honesty** _

* * *

Bickslow looked over at his totems to see they'd settled themselves down on the coffee table. "My babies," he answered. "They said I should come see you. I guess… I was kinda sorta hoping you'd want to help me…"

" _Good, Bickslow,"_  Papa said silently.  _"Be honest with her. She'll help if you're honest."_

" _It's embarrassing though… I don't want her to think that-"_

" _She won't,"_  the totems all answered.  _"Cosplayer's nice. She wants to help, but she needs to know how. And you've gotta tell her how to help you, okay?"_

" _I-I'll try, babies…"_

Lucy smiled gently. "Well, you came to the right place then," she said softly. She took a moment to really look at him, then saw how his eyes were starting to droop. "You look really tired, Bickslow."

Bickslow nodded slowly. He could try to be honest with her. He'd been honest with Laxus in the beginning, back when they first met, and he'd gotten a best friend out of it. He'd found a friend, because he went against everything he'd learned while he was growing up and put his trust in someone else. Laxus helped him, or tried at least, and Bickslow hadn't been as lonely because of it. He'd be honest with Lucy. As honest as he could be. "I'm coming down right now… I just wanna sleep…" He sighed heavily and shook his head. "I should've gone home… You probably don't want a junkie crashing here…"

Lucy frowned and placed a hand on Bickslow's chest when he tried to stand up. "You can stay, Bickslow," she said softly. He looked like he was ready to pass out any moment. There was no way she was going to let him just walk out now. Granted, if he really wanted to leave, then there wasn't anything she could do to stop him. But… He said he had wanted to call her for help, and just didn't want to bother her.  _'Maybe he just has a hard time asking for help,'_  she thought. "Maybe we can watch a movie together until you fall asleep?"

Bickslow jolted in surprise and looked up at her again with wide eyes. "... Really?" he whispered. "You'd wanna do that with me?"

Lucy's smile widened. "Yeah." And she did. She'd already learned that he was unfairly skilled at playing Go Fish while he was in the hospital, and she wondered what else there was about him that she didn't know. It would give her a chance to spend time with Bickslow, and the only way to get to know someone was by spending time with them. Well, unless you were some creepy stalker… Or Juvia… Okay, so maybe those terms were interchangeable, but that wasn't the point. She wanted to spend time with Bickslow, to get to know him, and show the Seith mage that he could get clean if that was what he really wanted. And she was willing to help him with it.

"I'll be out for a while though," he said sadly. He didn't want to leave, because he really liked it at Lucy's apartment. The place smelled amazing, like pumpkin and pine. Her couch was super comfortable. The place had that nice, lived-in feel to it - the kind that made you feel like you'd just walked into your grandparents' house and there was a warm apple pie just coming out of the oven. Granted, he didn't really know what  _that_ was like, since he'd never met his grandparents, but he'd walked by places like that. Slept outside of them sometimes too, just so he could soak up some of the heat that was coming from inside. Bickslow didn't belong there though. He should be coming down at his own studio apartment, in the dark, with just the single mattress he used as a bed and the sheet he had for a curtain over his window. Surrounded by the few boxes of belongings that he had. That's where he should be. Using the only comforter he had to keep himself warm since he couldn't remember the last time he'd actually paid the electric bill. He didn't belong here in the warm and inviting space of Fairy Tail's Celestial mage. "I should go," he sighed. "Seriously, you don't need my shit in your life."

Lucy shook her head in response and pushed on his chest when he tried to stand up again. "You're already here, Bickslow," she replied. "Really, it's fine." She watched him for a moment as he let out another sigh and settled back into the couch in defeat, and when she was sure he wasn't going to try and bolt, she smiled and went to put on a movie.

Bickslow looked at his babies again, shaking his head.  _"I shouldn't be here, babies. She doesn't need a piece of shit like me around to fuck things up for her."_

 _"Don't say that,"_ the totems replied. _"She wants to help, so let her."_

_"But, I'll just make her hate me… Then she'll leave me like Laxus did…"_

" _Cosplayer's not like that."_

"Do you want anything to drink before you go to sleep?" Lucy asked once she had the movie set up. She figured, based on what little she knew about Bickslow, a comedy was the safest bet. Well, it was the safest bet with pretty much anyone. Who didn't like to laugh? Besides, he probably wouldn't be awake for much of it anyway. When Bickslow nodded, Lucy gave him a soft smile and went to get a large cup of water.

Lucy returned only a moment later with a cup of nice, chilly water, and Bickslow gratefully accepted it. He downed half of the cup before he needed to breathe, then held it in both hands while she sat down next to him.  _'It's now or never,'_ he thought. He just needed to ask her... "H-Hey… Cosp... I mean... U-Um… Lucy?" he whispered.

She blinked in surprise at hearing her name from him. It sounded really nice. Much nicer than she would have thought. "Yes?"

"You really do wanna help me, right?" he asked softly.

"I do."

* * *

_**If I tremble or fall  
I'm reaching out in this mourning air** _

* * *

Bickslow fidgeted for a moment. "So… It's… It's really okay if I call you… when I need help?" he asked. He'd never been good at asking for help. He technically had never asked Laxus for help. He just took what was offered to him. He really did want to get clean. He knew that he needed to. There was just so much in him that was rebelling against the idea of not having it. Of not having that one thing that kept him sane, and… Well, not really  _happy_ , but… Not sad or hurting either. He could ignore his past when he was high, and without it he was stuck thinking of everything. Every little thing that had gone wrong in his life, how he always thought it was his fault. He'd never wanted to start using in the first place, but he had to. There was just no other way.

But, the fact of the matter was, he wanted to trust Lucy. He'd tried to hurt her, and she'd kicked his ass halfway across Magnolia. Then she saved him when all he wanted to do was die. She could have easily turned him away when he agreed to come to her place. Lucy could have rolled her eyes and told him to fuck off, because he'd only gotten out of the hospital a week before, and he was already back to using. She could have said that he was a hopeless bastard, and that there was no chance in hell of him getting clean. He'd nearly been killed by that Suicide batch, and while that was the goal beforehand, and still was a little even now… It wasn't what he really wanted. He didn't want to die when he really thought about it. Bickslow wanted to stay alive, and he wanted to get closer to his team. To everyone. He just didn't know how to do that without the drugs. Because without them, he was invisible. Insignificant. Worthless. They made him into a person that people wanted to be around, someone that people enjoyed spending their time with. But he couldn't do this anymore.

Lucy nodded. "Yes, it's really okay if you call me," she said sincerely. "I'll keep my lacrima on me no matter where I'm at."

Bickslow nibbled his lip as he stared down at the half-empty cup of water, then took another large gulp. "Can I… Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"If…" He paused and winced. This was one of the things he was dreading. "If I mess up again… Are you gonna be mad at me?"

Lucy wanted to instantly deny it, but she stopped herself. That was something she needed to think about. Would she really be mad at Bickslow if he used again? It wasn't like she really had any right to be, even if they were friends. Well, she hoped he would consider her his friend at some point. But, if he was really going to try and get clean, if he was going to put some effort into doing it… Would she be mad if he relapsed?  _'He said if he messes up,'_ she thought.  _'That means he knows he shouldn't be doing it…'_  Finally, after what felt like way too long of her sitting and staring at him, Lucy gave him her honest answer. "I'll probably be a little upset," she said, watching as Bickslow hung his head just a little lower. "I don't want you to keep hurting yourself by doing what you've been doing. But… I won't be  _mad_  at you if it happens. Why?"

Bickslow finished his drink and set it on the table next to his babies. "Laxus was always mad at me when I got high again," he sighed dejectedly. "He said there was no way for him to help me if I just kept doing it…"

Lucy shook her head and tenderly cupped his hand with both of hers, watching as he slowly lifted his deep red eyes to look at her. She could see it, right in that moment. He wanted help. He wanted her to help him get clean, and stay that way. Bickslow just needed someone that would believe in him, and be understanding when he made a mistake. He looked so sad, so lost, and all Lucy wanted to do was hold him and tell him that things would be alright. But she wouldn't. Not yet, at least. She was a pretty snuggly person now that she was free from the confines of her old life. She loved hugs as much as Erza loved cake. In fact, she loved them so much that she'd considered dressing up  _as_  cake just to get an extra hug from the Requip mage, consequences of possibly broken ribs be damned. Then she remembered Erza's ability to Requip a fork and tear cake to shreds within seconds... That bullet had been dodged, thank goodness.

Lucy wanted to just hold him, so she settled for his hand. She didn't say anything for a little while, and chose to just look at him. He really did look exhausted, like he was ready to go to sleep right then. But, he was coming down from his high, which meant all of the excess energy and hyper-awareness that he'd been experiencing was evaporating into nothingness. She remembered reading a bit about this, but she hadn't really known just how it would affect him, since it was different for everyone. "Well," she whispered softly, her thumbs absently rubbing small circles over his hand, "I won't do that, Bickslow."

"Y-You won't be mad?"

Lucy smiled and slowly shook her head. "I won't. It's not like you'll just stop cold-turkey. It'll take time, and a serious amount of  _effort_  on your part to get clean. Relapses are okay, because we all make mistakes. You just have to learn from those mistakes and try to do better next time. It won't be easy, but… I'll help you get there if you really want me to."

Bickslow let out a small smile and turned his body to face Lucy on the couch, his head still lying on the back cushion and one knee pulled up between them. "You're really sweet, Cosplayer," he said with a small blush. He hadn't meant to say it, but he just couldn't help himself. She was, and the blonde deserved to know that even he could see that about her. "Thanks."

Lucy found herself turning to look at Bickslow's totems to hide her own blush. "You're welcome, Bix."

His smile brightened at that. Here he was, ready to pass out for the next day or so, and Lucy made him feel like things were going to be okay. And she only made it better by using his nickname. He  _really_  liked how that sounded coming from her, too. "I'll try to remember to call you next time, okay?"

Lucy turned back to him and nodded, regardless of the current heat in her cheeks. "Any time. Day or night," she said. "I'm a pretty light sleeper, so I'll wake up if it's late."

His brow furrowed. "I don't wanna-"

Lucy giggled and brought her free hand up, placing her fingers over his lips to silence him. "It's fine. Any time you need me, you can call. Okay?"

Bickslow nodded slowly.  _'Any time… Laxus told me that once…'_  He wanted to believe that it would be different with Lucy, and that she wouldn't abandon him like Laxus did. He didn't know what he'd do if he put his trust in Lucy, only to get left behind.

" _We'll help you remember to call her,"_  the totems silently told Bickslow.

" _Thanks, babies. I really do want help…"_

" _We know, Bickslow. We want you to get help…"_

Lucy gave the Seith mage a brilliant and excited smile. "I've got a great idea!" she quietly squealed. Without another word, she vaulted off of the couch and rushed over to her writing desk, then grabbed the camera she'd bought herself as a 'Post-Phantom War, congratulations on surviving your first torture session' gift. Yes, it was a little twisted, but no one knew what her reasoning had been for getting it. Not the real reason, anyway. "Let's take a picture," she said as she plopped down on the couch next to Bickslow again.

"Of what?" he chuckled.

"Us, silly!" Lucy laughed.

"Wh-Why?" Bickslow hadn't been expecting her to say that. To want something like that. Why would she want a picture of the two of them? He and Lucy weren't a 'them' or an 'us'. They were just Bickslow and Lucy. Two people that really didn't know jack shit about each other.

"Because this is the first time you've asked for my help, instead of me telling you I'm willing to help you. Day One of your road to recovery." She paused and scooted just a little closer to him, until her thigh was lightly brushing against his knee where it was still propped up on the couch. "Whaddya say?"

Bickslow blinked in surprise, his mouth hanging open. Lucy was really serious about this. About helping him. He'd listened to her offer him help, and when he finally took the initiative, when he finally let her know that he was going to at least  _try_  to change what was going on… She wanted to document it. To make it even more real by having something tangible that proved they were going to work together on this. He watched as she looked at him expectantly, hopefully, and finally let a wider smile spread across his face. He wasn't aware of the fact that his previously diminishing blush deepened. "Sure…"

' _Wow, he's so different right now,'_  Lucy thought when she giggled excitedly.  _'Is that really a blush? Oh my god! That's adorable!'_  Who would have thought that Bickslow, the one that everyone in the guild assumed was a raving, perverted lunatic, was actually shy like this? Or that he was capable of blushing this way. She hesitantly reached out and laced her fingers with his, and gave his hand a gentle squeeze of encouragement, then looked at her coffee table to the five silent totems.

" _Bickslow, she's holding your hand!"_  the totems silently crooned.

" _Sh-Shut up. I didn't ask her to!"_

" _But you're not pushing her away either!"_

" _Well-"_

"Well come on, babies," Lucy laughed. "You're part of this too!"

"That's okay, Cosplayer," Papa chuckled.

Bickslow closed his eyes and slowly rested his head on Lucy's shoulder. Call it being greedy, but he wanted that small bit of extra comfort from her. Hell, he'd been wishing she would hug him ever since she'd grabbed his hand the first time. He was a very firm believer that hugs made things better, even if it was just for a little while. He was a little worried that she'd pull away, but when Lucy didn't even react, Bickslow let out a sigh of relief. His next breath was filled with coconut and limes - her body wash, or shampoo, or maybe perfume. It didn't really matter what it was that made Lucy smell that way, because it suited her.

* * *

__**Should I feel a moment with you  
To softly whisper  
I crave nothing else so much**

* * *

Lucy pouted while she looked at the totems, completely ignoring the fact that she was being used as a pillow for the moment. "No," she whined sadly, "Get those little wooden bodies of yours over here. Bickslow's starting fresh, and you'll be helping me… Right?"

"Oh my god," Pepe whispered in horror.

"She's… pouting…" Pupu added.

Pipi wiggled in its spot for a moment. "We can't say no to that!" It paused. "... Can we?"

"Bickslow," Popo whispered loudly, "Cosplayer's evil!"

"That's not playing fair," Papa chuckled.

Bickslow looked up at Lucy to see just what his babies were talking about, then let out a soft, sleepy laugh. "She's not evil, Popo," he said. "Come on over, babies." His eyes slid closed in a long blink as the totems slowly lifted themselves into the air and settled down on his shoulders and - what he found out later - Lucy's chest. "Why do you wanna help me anyway, Cosplayer?"

Lucy paused in her single-handed fiddling with her camera, because she - for some reason that she refused to dwell on right then - didn't want to let his hand go, then looked down to see Bickslow's eyes were barely open. "It's what we do in Fairy Tail. You're my nakama, Bix." Another soft smile made an appearance when he looked up at her again. "You know, I don't think I've ever seen you so relaxed before… Comas and alleys notwithstanding."

"I won't be when I wake up," he muttered, looking down at their joined hands. "You'll see… It might be worse than when I woke up in the hospital…"

Lucy lightly squeezed his hand, smiling when he lazily squeezed right back. "Well, I've got some gum," she said gently. "I'll make sure it's on the coffee table for when you get up. Will that make it better?"

Bickslow shrugged. "I won't know until later…"

Lucy laid her head on top of Bickslow's for a moment, feeling the soft blue mohawk brushing against her cheek. "Let's get that picture before you fall asleep, yeah?"

"Mm-hmm," Bickslow mumbled, his eyes drooping further and further with each passing second. He was so damn tired. He'd been up for about four days by that point, and he knew that if he didn't get some sleep soon, he'd be going into that extra shitty stage of using where he started hallucinating. It was the only reason - he'd rationalized before - that he hadn't gone right out to get more. He needed to come down, because he didn't want to turn into a goddamn lunatic, get picked up by the authorities, then locked in a damn psych ward.

Lucy lifted the camera, extending her arm far from herself and Bickslow and making sure they were both in the frame. "Smile, Bix," she whispered.

Bickslow lifted their joined hands slightly, then looked up at the camera sleepily. He forced himself to think about just how grateful he was to Lucy for being willing to help him. How happy he should have been feeling in that moment. He smiled as much as he could manage, trying to show the camera in front of them that he really was happy that Lucy wanted to help him, that she believed in him, and that he hoped he could succeed. He wanted to. He really did.

Once the flash went off and Lucy regained her ability to see, she set the camera on an end table, then pulled her hand from Bickslow's to grab the grey and pink blanket that sat on the back on her couch. "Get yourself comfy," she whispered softly.

"Wh-Whaddya mean, Cosplayer?" he asked timidly while looking up at her.

Lucy blinked. She hadn't realized it before, but he'd been stuttering slightly. It wasn't like he had a speech impediment though, because he hadn't been doing it before that day. It was almost like he was extremely shy. Timid. Scared. Like he didn't know what she was going to do and was afraid she would hurt him or something. The totems floated back over to the coffee table as she said, "I mean just that. Get comfortable, lay down, and we'll watch the movie together. If you fall asleep on me, I'll just move you when I'm ready to get up."

A small, wisping laugh filled the air. "You sure you'll be able to lift me?" Bickslow asked.

Lucy giggled. "I drag Natsu's royal pukiness off the train for every mission, so I think I can manage. Besides, I had to lift you up in that alley so your babies could fly us to the hospital."

Bickslow laughed a little louder at that. "Touche, Cosplayer."

When the Seith mage got ready to lie down, Lucy put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you planning on sleeping with everything on?" she asked curiously. "Like your shoes and forty layers of clothes?"

Bickslow frowned and looked down at himself. He'd slept in these clothes plenty of times before, including wearing his shoes. It was kind of par for the course when you crashed while lying on a rooftop somewhere. Or in a park. Or a jail cell.

" _Bickslow, if you don't want her knowing about that, then take some stuff off,"_ the totems silently whispered.

* * *

_**Longing to reveal  
Total honesty** _

* * *

Bickslow nodded slowly, then removed the light blue skirt from his waist, his pointed jester-like shoes, and his socks. Then, after a moment's hesitation, he took off the long-sleeved pinstripe shirt and his hood, revealing a simple grey t-shirt. He folded everything up and set it on the far end of the coffee table, then all but collapsed with his head in Lucy's lap. His energy was definitely waning fast, but at least he knew he'd be sleeping soon.  _'And I'll be warm and comfortable,'_  he thought while adjusting himself slightly to lie on his side and still be able to see the lacrima television.

Lucy felt her cheeks flaming, then rolled her eyes at herself. Natsu laid his head in her lap most of the time when they were on the train now, since he said it helped make his nausea a little more bearable. She carefully draped the blanket over Bickslow, thanking the stars that she'd decided it was a perfect day for wearing yoga pants - which were, oddly enough, the same grey pair she'd been wearing when Bickslow woke up from his coma - otherwise things would be getting extremely awkward if he moved his head too much.

She couldn't help but laugh slightly when the remote floated from the table to sit on the armrest just next to her. "Thanks."

Bickslow yawned quietly. "No problem," he whispered.

Lucy pressed play and set the remote down, then laughed again when the lights were turned off. "Well, that's definitely useful. Thanks, babies."

Bickslow smiled and hummed his agreement. His eyes closed again while the opening credits for one of his favorite comedies started rolling, and he unconsciously nuzzled her leg. "My babies are used to helping me," he whispered sleepily. "They asked if they could… Help you too…"

Lucy's hand absently settled itself on Bickslow's head, and she started threading her fingers through his hair, letting her nails drag lightly along his scalp. The same way she did for Natsu while they were on the train. She could feel just how coarse the shorter black hairs were while she watched the movie, something that was definitely surprising with how soft and full the blue parts were. Bickslow tensed for the briefest of moments, but when she felt him relaxing, she found herself relaxing right along with him. She didn't want to make him uncomfortable, after all.

 _"Cosplayer's smiling..."_ Bickslow's babies silently giggled.

_"Yeah?"_

" _Uh-huh. She seems happy."_

Bickslow smiled.  _"She's kinda weird..."_

_"So are we... And you too."_

_"Got a point there."_  Bickslow sighed softly. _"Nighty night, babies."_

"Sweet dreams, Bickslow," Lucy whispered.

"Mmm… Sweet dreams… Lucy…"

Lucy continued slowly running her fingers through Bickslow's hair, her head leaning on her free hand while her arm was propped up on the armrest. Ten minutes went by before her eyes widened and she completely ignored the movie to stare down at the slumbering Seith mage. Bickslow let out a long, slow breath as he rolled over, his nose pressing into her stomach that was covered in a loose dark green t-shirt that she usually reserved for her lazy days at home. She waited a handful of seconds, staring down at his closed eyes, before he mumbled something soft and unintelligible. Her head slowly lifted when she heard the totems sitting on the coffee table softly giggling.

"He's asleep, Cosplayer," they assured her.

Lucy smiled at the totems, then looked back down at Bickslow. "We'll help him, right babies?"

The five little souls floated from the table to cuddle up to Lucy in silent support for a moment, then lined themselves up along the back of the couch. They watched the young blonde's hand slow as she kept rhythmically stroking Bickslow's hair, then saw her eyes drooping while the movie continued. When the movie was half over, something they knew because of how often Bickslow had watched it, Lucy was out like a light.

Not a word was spoken out loud as all five totems floated into the air. They slowly and carefully nudged Lucy to one side, then watched as she slid sideways. Slowly. Oh so slowly, Lucy's head landed on Bickslow's legs where he was curled up beneath the blanket.

Pepe giggled.  _"They look like they're gonna sixty-nine."_

Lucy's arm wound around Bickslow's waist just as his own moved to drape over hers.

" _Aww, they're cuddling!"_  Pipi chirped.

" _They liiiiiike each other..."_ Pupu added.

Papa chuckled while he pressed the power button for the lacrima television on the remote.  _"You sound like Happy."_

Popo slowly slid out from between Lucy and Bickslow, then settled itself with the other souls on the back of the couch.  _"Her boobs are amazing, guys."_

All five totems laughed.

* * *

_**I can feel your touch  
I'm reaching out in this mourning air** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're wondering about him not remembering Lucy saying she had to go on a mission, that was not a mistake on my part. One of the side effects (among many others) of chronic methamphetamine use is short-term memory loss. That's a little vague of a description, but while doing gobs and gobs of research, and asking people that are actually using the stuff, it varies from person to person on how badly it affects them. So, he can't remember her talking with Erza and the real reason she had to leave, and of course assumed that it was because she didn't want to be near him.


	7. More Than Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Whitley: More Than Life

 

_**Belief in the breeze,  
The smoky morning haze.** _

* * *

"Bickslow… Bickslow…"

Bickslow's eyes slowly creaked open, and he blinked repeatedly in the early morning light that was trying, and thankfully failing, to stream through the window above him. He sighed heavily and pulled the blanket over his head to block out that last bit of light. He really wasn't ready to wake up just yet.

"Bickslow…"

"No," he grumbled sleepily as his eyes closed again. "Shut the fuck up…"

"I can't breathe."

"Babies… I said shut the fuck…" Bickslow paused and frowned. His babies didn't breathe, so they wouldn't care if they'd gotten caught under the blanket with him. Hell, they preferred sleeping under his blanket anyway just so they could all cuddle. A slow, hot breath fanned across his neck and down into his shirt, and that was when he felt it.

All of it.

He was lying almost completely on his stomach, and whatever he was lying on was lumpy as hell. Squishy, soft, comfortable, but no less lumpy in comparison to a mattress. His nose was buried in something silky, something that smelled like summer. But that didn't make any sense. It was fall. Coconuts and lime didn't belong in November.

Lips and a nose were pressed against his throat, thin arms already wrapped around him, and he found one slender leg pushed between his, and cold toes barely brushing over his bare feet. Curves in all the right places were just beneath his fingertips, and his hand reflexively squeezed when he realized he was touching something. Something firm, yet soft; rounded just right.

"That would be my ass. Seriously, I can't breathe."

He couldn't figure out who the fuck it was though. Who was breathing on his neck, whose fingers were splayed across his back. Who had an ass like this one? It was fucking perfect, the perfect size for him to grab, the perfect fat-to-muscle ratio, just… perfect.

"If you don't move your  _other_  hand, I'm cutting it off."

His babies giggled from somewhere else. He was barely able to make out their voices, far too focused on where the hell he'd ended up.  _'I hate coming down…'_  He could never think properly when he woke up again. It was all foggy and muddy, just one big haze washing over him and making everything take forever to accomplish.

Coconuts. Lime. Soft voice and even softer lips. Voluptuous curves…  _'Shit, that's a boob… A… Holy fuck, this thing is huge…'_ His hand slowly, ever so slowly, slid downward only to find bare, silky skin over a flat stomach. Then a hip bone peeking out of pants or shorts or… Well, fabric.

"Bickslow…"

His brow furrowed. That wasn't a warning or a moan of pleasure and desire. It was just his name. It sounded angelic though. Beautiful and amazing as it slipped past her lips and right through his skin. "Who… Huh?"

The totems giggled again. "Cosplayer and Bickslow, sleeping on the couch," they sang. "You're all cuddled up, now give her mouth-to-mouth!"

Bickslow heard a snort, then another, and felt each one travelling through his body from the woman. Her teeth scraped over his neck when her lips split into a wide grin just before she laughed.

"Nice, babies! Wanna help me? I think he's still out."

"Give him a minute," the totems answered happily, although quietly - already knowing that being too loud when Bickslow was waking up from his usual crash was a horrible idea that usually resulted in something being broken. "He's awake, just not  _aware_  yet."

"I still can't breathe."

"You'll be fine, Cosplayer," Pupu laughed.

"Lick him," Pipi giggled.

"No," Papa said sternly. "Bite him. That'll wake him up."

"Maybe moaning would do the trick?" Pepe asked.

Popo floated down to the blanket mountain on the couch and whispered, "You should give him a hickey… A big one."

"Fuck you, babies," Bickslow grumbled.

"Maybe I should just move the blanket myself…"

"Good idea, Cosplayer," the totems laughed.

Bickslow winced when the hands on his back moved to pull the blanket away from his head. He was still too fuzzy-minded to figure out who the hell he was cuddling with - regardless of how many times his babies had said just who it was - and he sighed when her hands went right back to their previous position. With another heavy sigh, he slowly opened his eyes again, then lowered his gaze to find out once and for all who he'd slept with.

* * *

_**The sun on her face,  
and the touch of lovers' hands.** _

* * *

Golden haired was shining gently in the early morning light. Honey eyes glimmered with tired amusement when they met with his exhausted crimson gaze. Her lightly tanned skin nearly glowed, the small flush on her face from the lack of proper oxygen and general stuffiness under the blanket making her look more and more vibrant by the second. She smiled sheepishly, and Bickslow blinked. Then blinked again. "Cosplayer?" he whispered slowly.

"Morning," Lucy giggled softly.

"Why… How…"

Lucy yawned. "Honestly, I don't know. But I'm really too tired to care right now. I just wanted you to move your head so I could breathe."

Bickslow frowned again and blinked slowly, fighting to reopen his eyes. "Seriously?"

Lucy gently patted his back and gave a minute shrug. "I like cuddles. Not so much the asphyxia though." The mission she had taken with her team, the one that had been the cause for her leaving the hospital, had only ended the day before. It was why she was at home and ready to work on her novel instead of at the guild. Her sleep addled brain had full reign, which meant she wasn't nearly as opposed to sleeping all wrapped around Bickslow as she normally would have been. And he was only seeing her now that she'd had time to process what was going on enough not to Lucy Kick him across the apartment.

Bickslow didn't move. He just kept staring at her, trying to piece together what the hell was going on.

"Can you have your babies close the curtain?" Lucy asked through another yawn. "It'll keep me up."

Bickslow nodded slowly, then transferred Papa and Pupu to the curtains. Once they were closed and blocking out every bit of light from the outside world, he switched them back. "So... I can go back to sleep?" he asked softly.

Lucy smiled sleepily and nodded. "Yep. Just don't suffocate me."

Bickslow smirked, then shifted his head to the side a bit. "You're weird..."

Lucy nodded again, taking a deep breath now that she was able to. "Uh-huh. You too," she mumbled. "Nighty night."

Bickslow shook his head, then let his eyes close again. If she wasn't going to make a big deal out of it, then neither was a he. Especially because he really wasn't ready to wake up just yet. "Night," he whispered, smirking again when he heard a soft snore from the blonde.

* * *

_**The pain that comes today,  
Is here, then goes away.** _

* * *

When Bickslow woke up again, he was surprised to smell food. Delicious, mouthwatering food. Breakfast food.  _'Oh god, did I die?'_  That had to be it. He hadn't woken up to this smell in years.

Lucy smiled as Bickslow rolled over on the couch and stretched, then watched from where she was standing at the dining table as he slowly sat up. "Morning," she said.

"Is it?" Bickslow rubbed his eyes and blinked several times before looking for the source of giggling, both from the blonde and his babies. Needless to say, he was pleasantly surprised by the sight of the little souls floating around Lucy the way they usually did with him.

"Barely," Lucy answered. "Your babies said you'd probably be pretty hungry when you got up, so I made breakfast." She wasn't going to tell Bickslow that he'd been mumbling for the last half hour, mainly because the totems asked her not to. She wasn't sure why though, or what he'd been saying really, but they knew more about what was going on with him, and how he would react to things, when he was like this.

Bickslow couldn't help but smile as he stood up. No one had ever cooked him breakfast before. Ever. The few times he had smelled cooking food when he woke up, it had never been for him... Even when he was a child. It was depressing as hell, but he couldn't dwell on it when he saw the food on the table. Two plates were dished up with french toast, eggs, and bacon. Another plate of french toast sat in the middle of the table, along with a bowl of sliced cantaloupe, some butter, syrup, powdered sugar, and two tall glasses of orange juice. "What the... Cosplayer..." he whispered in wonder.

Lucy blushed and untied her apron while she made her way back to the kitchen. When she came back out, Bickslow was still rooted to the floor right in front of the couch. "Well, come eat," she laughed softly, then pointed over her shoulder. "The bathroom is down the hall on the right if you need it."

Bickslow nodded slowly, then turned toward where she was pointing. A toilet sounded fabulous, plus he needed to wash his hands before he ate. Probably throw some water in his face while he was at it.  _"She cooked for me, babies!"_

_"We know you're hungry when you wake up, and it makes you feel better. She wanted to help."_

_"But... No one's ever cooked for me..."_

_"Cosplayer did."_

_"This is awesome..."_

The totems settled themselves on one side of the table as Lucy sat down and took a sip of her juice. "Thanks, Cosplayer," they hummed.

"It's no big deal, babies," she said with a smile. "I'm used to cooking for other people."

"It  _is_  a big deal..." Pepe said.

"... For him, it is," Pipi added.

She frowned. "Why though?"

The totems sighed in unison before Popo said, "He's not used to people being nice to him..."

"Or doing things for him like this..." Pupu finished.

"That's enough," Papa whispered. "He'll tell you about it when he's ready, Lucy. There's a lot that people don't know about him."

Lucy nodded in understanding. She wanted Bickslow to be the one that willingly told her about himself. It was nice that his babies wanted her to know more about him, but she'd much rather hear it from the Seith mage. She took another sip of her juice as the totems went silent, then heard the bathroom door open and close. A moment later, Bickslow was sitting down across from her at the table and rubbing his eyes again. "I didn't know how you liked your french toast, so I didn't put anything on it."

Bickslow looked away in embarrassment then. "W-Well, I um... I dunno." He sighed softly when Lucy was silent, but he could feel her looking at him. "I've... never had it before." He had seen other people eating it, but he didn't know how to make it for himself. Hell, unless it was a sandwich or a bowl of cereal, he was pretty clueless when it came to preparing food.

"Seriously?" Lucy asked in shock. Was this one of the things the totems were talking about? Something that people didn't know about him? She couldn't understand how he'd never had french toast in his life before, but the longer she looked at him, the more she realized he was embarrassed by it. She glanced at the totems for a moment, wishing she could just talk to them in her head so she could ask why he'd never had this before, then shook her head and reached across the table. "Well, I'll make them like mine, and you can tell me if you like it," she said as she grabbed his plate.

Bickslow lifted his gaze and watched intently as Lucy put a small amount of butter on each slice, then poured syrup over them and topped it all off with a fine dusting of powdered sugar. Once the plate was settled back in front of him, he cocked his head to one side while he watched her do the same thing to her own plate before cutting a piece with her fork and taking a bite.

Lucy smiled at him while she chewed, then pointed at his plate with her fork. "Eat," she said softly. She tried not to watch Bickslow too closely as he cut a piece and took a bite, but she couldn't help it. She'd never made french toast for anyone but herself, since Natsu would go through two loaves of bread on his own.

"Holy shit," Bickslow moaned in delight. It was so damn sweet, it should have been a sin. Well, he was a sinner if there ever was one, so this was right up his alley. He loved sweets, but he hardly ever indulged, simply because he was trying to keep his teeth from decaying. He'd already needed to get fillings in most of his teeth just before he joined the guild, but that was before he realized just how important dental hygiene was. Luckily, they were all preventive, and not because he had crazy cavities and things. Genetics did him a solid on that, he supposed. He had hardly swallowed the first bite before he was pushing another piece into his mouth. Then another.

Lucy laughed softly and shook her head. "I'll take that as you think it tastes good?"

Bickslow nodded quickly while he chewed, then swallowed and used a napkin that was next to his plate to wipe his mouth. He smiled at her thankfully. "Thanks, Cosplayer," he said. "It's delicious."

Lucy blushed and did her best to hide behind her glass while taking a slow sip of juice. "Well, I've never made this for anyone else, so I'm glad you like it."

Bickslow paused mid-chew, the forkful of perfectly scrambled eggs sitting on his tongue and just waiting to be devoured while he stared at her in shock.  _'Just me?'_  he wondered. Why would she make something like this for him if she'd never made it for anyone else? Was it something that was actually special, or was he maybe being a damn lunatic and thinking that there was meaning behind everything she - or anyone else for that matter - did? Bickslow wanted to think that there was a reason for it aside from just Lucy deciding that's what she was going to make, but… He didn't want to know if he was wrong. Finally, he swallowed and said, "I don't just like it." He paused and pointed to his mouth. "It tastes like an angel stumbled into a succubus' lair and got the fucking of a lifetime."

Tears came to Lucy's eyes when orange juice went flying from her nose as she laughed. "Fuck that burns! Oh my god!" she wheezed.

"Did she squirt too?" the totems giggled.

"Yes," Bickslow said with a smirk. "They both did... Kinda like Cosplayer over here." He jolted in surprise when Lucy disappeared and toppled to the floor, then leaned over the table to see her crumpled on the ground, holding her stomach, with tears streaming down her cheeks while she laughed. Hysterically.

"S-Stop!" she laughed. "N-No more!"

"But Cosplayer," Bickslow chuckled, "I thought you'd like my compliment to your cooking."

"I do," Lucy said as he walked around the table to sit next to her on the floor; his legs crossed, his elbow propped up on his knee, and his chin in his hand. She rolled onto her back and wiped away her tears, then accepted a napkin to get the juice from her nose and chin. She took a deep breath, then smiled up at him. "I just never thought my french toast would be compared to splooshy lesbian sex."

"Between an angel and a demon, no less," Bickslow chuckled.

"Exactly. I've never found blasphemy so funny."

" _Cosplayer has a nice laugh,"_ Bickslow silently told his babies.

" _And boobs,"_ Popo replied.

" _You should know, Bickslow,"_  Pupu added.

" _Yeah, you were copping a feel a few hours ago,"_ Pipi chimed in.

" _I was what?!"_  Bickslow internally shouted. When the hell had he been feeling Lucy up? He didn't remember that at all.  _"When?!"_

" _When you two were sleeping on the couch and cuddling,"_  Papa answered.  _"You were suffocating her, and she told you to move your head. Then you both went back to sleep."_

Lucy sighed and slowly sat up, then blew her nose. The downside to high pulp orange juice travelling up into her sinuses was that some of it got lodged there. She blew her nose again, then glanced at Bickslow to see him just staring at the floor, almost as though he'd zoned out.

" _That sounds familiar…"_  And it did. Bickslow vaguely remembered waking up earlier that morning with Lucy lying mostly under him, and how they were holding each other. Sort of. Mainly that her arms were around him and that she didn't let him go after moving the blanket from over their heads. He knew his memory had turned to shit over the years, and it was times like this that it really sucked. Bickslow blinked rapidly and turned to look at Lucy when he heard a deep snorting, gargling sound. Only to find her with a grimace on her face just before she hocked an impressive loogie into the napkin in her hand. "... Wow..."

Lucy wiped her mouth and took a deep breath through her nose, then blushed. "Don't judge me. I had pulp in my nose…"

"Not judging…"

Lucy pouted and crossed her arms under her chest. "It's Natsu's fault I even know how to do it."

"I didn't say anything, Cosplayer," Bickslow chuckled. "But now that you mention it, did you guys watch Titanic and then he decided you needed to learn how to spit like a man?" That was one thing he could never forget. Give him a movie and after watching it two or three times, he had nearly every line memorized. He couldn't remember grabbing what was most likely the nicest pair of breasts ever created, but he knew every damn line to that sappy movie.  _'That shit made me wish I was drowning with Jack. I'd have let go at the beginning…'_

Lucy was silent for a moment, then grumbled, "Shut up…"

Bickslow chuckled again. "I'll take that as a yes?" When she stayed silent, he lightly nudged her with his shoulder. "If it's any consolation, you spit like a man just fine."

Lucy fought against the smile that wanted to break through… And failed. "Like…" she whispered while she looked up at him. Their eyes met and she blushed. "Like a  _real_  man?"

Bickslow grinned. "We'd probably need to ask Elfman for an official ruling, but yeah... The manliest of men would be afraid of your spittle."

"Man spit! Man spit!" the totems laughed while they whirled through the air.

Lucy laughed along with Bickslow, using him for support when she lost the will to keep herself upright. Needless to say, they both ended up laid out on the floor, laughing hysterically, with the breakfast long forgotten on the table.

* * *

__**And we are homeward bound,**  
And I...  
I want this more than life 

* * *

Several hours had gone by since breakfast, and Lucy was finding herself surprised by two things. One, not one member of her team had shown up all day, or the night before; something that was entirely unheard of as far as she was concerned. And two, Bickslow, as she was slowly learning, was an extremely complex guy. He was funny as hell, shy and timid at times, other times a little more outgoing, quick-witted, surprisingly intelligent - he was no Hawking, but he was easily above most members of the guild - and much less perverted than she'd thought. His babies were the perverts, and she was sure that it had rubbed off on him. Okay, and being a member of Fairy Tail. But, most of all, he was really sweet and considerate.

When she had asked why he wasn't scratching at himself, Bickslow had told her that withdrawal symptoms show up sometime in the first twenty-four hours once the drugs were out of his system and he crashed. She'd been able to notice small differences, like an uncomfortable look here and there, or his hands twitching slightly, but it wasn't anything too major. Then when lunch time rolled around - although it was four in the afternoon - he offered to make it for both of them. They had sandwiches, simple ham and cheese with some mayonnaise, and he cleaned everything up afterwards. He'd told her it was the least he could do since she wanted to help him.

"You really don't have to do this," Bickslow said softly.

"I do," Lucy replied. "I'm the one that messed them up before, so I owe you."

Bickslow shook his head and looked down at where his hand was being held by one of hers while she used a cotton ball soaked in acetone to remove the thin layer of polish from his nails. "It would've chipped eventually, Cosplayer. It always does."

"Sure, but you probably could've gotten a little more life out of it if I hadn't cut your nails." That had been interesting, to say the least. She'd felt obligated to fix what she'd done while he was in the hospital, but Lucy had to tell him about it first. Apparently, Bickslow hadn't realized his nails were shorter in the first place until she mentioned it. "Besides," she continued as she prepped another cotton ball and moved to the other hand, "This is only one layer, and it looks like it's ready to chip off, so I might as well help you out."

Bickslow nibbled his lip and looked over to where his babies were sitting on the coffee table. "When did I paint them?" he asked.

"Three days ago," Papa answered. "You couldn't sleep."

"Then you got distracted and…" Pepe hesitated.

"And you took another shot," Pupu finished.

Bickslow sighed and looked at his hands, grimacing when he felt his skin starting to tingle down his arms. He shifted slightly in his spot on the couch, then adjusted the throw pillow that was acting as a barrier between his back and the arm of the couch. His legs were crossed, but he knew they were going to either fall asleep soon or he'd get antsy, so he carefully untangled the limbs. One leaned against the back cushion of the couch, and he placed his other foot on the floor, then watched curiously as Lucy shifted along with him to sit cross-legged between his now-spread legs, and settled his hands on her lap.

"I'll make sure they take a little longer to chip."

He nodded, then watched her pull a nail file from the box she'd set on the table earlier. "What're you doing?"

"Shaping your nails," Lucy answered as she got to work. She heard a small grunt of comprehension before the room grew quiet. Too quiet. "Hey," she said softly, "Why don't you tell me something?"

"Like what?" he asked. People never wanted to know about him, so what was he supposed to say? He wasn't really accustomed to talking about himself, just about whatever popped into his head when he was high as a kite - which was almost always something off-the-wall or perverted.

"Well, how about using?" Lucy asked slowly. "I said I'll help, but I only know what I've read. I don't  _really_  know what you're going through right now, or how it feels or anything like that, so…"

"So you think you'll be able to help me better if you do know," Bickslow finished with a nod. It made sense when he thought about it. Books and pamphlets about addiction were all well and good, but they didn't always apply across the board. Where one person might constantly be paranoid, even while going through withdrawal, others might not be. "Okay. You ask, and I'll try to answer."

Lucy smiled at him. "Try?"

Bickslow shrugged, then reached over to the coffee table and popped a piece of gum in his mouth. "I might not be able to really put some stuff into words. I've never really talked about it."

Lucy hummed in thought for a moment, focusing on gently pushing his cuticles back before she clipped the excess skin. "What's it like?" she finally asked. "Withdrawal, I mean."

"It sucks," Bickslow sighed. "You already know about me chewing gum and all that, but… Sometimes, it's a lot worse. If I haven't slept in a few days, I start getting paranoid and seeing shit while I'm high. Then I can't sleep when I'm coming down, and it carries through to afterwards."

"So, sleep deprivation?" Lucy asked.

Bickslow nodded. "Longest I've gone without sleep was…" He paused and thought back to the last time Laxus had needed to shock him into unconsciousness. "Eleven days," he finally said with a grimace. "I was acting like a total psycho by that point though. I kept seeing demons everywhere, and… Well, it wasn't pretty." He didn't really like thinking about shit like that though. It made him realize just how much he was messing his life up, and most times… He just couldn't handle that. "The longer I go without it," he continued sadly, "Without using... The more I feel like I need it. Like… It's just whispering in the back of my head. All the time. And… And I can't stop it…"

Lucy lightly massaged a small bit of lotion into one of Bickslow's hands, then the other. "So, is it like an actual voice or like a feeling?"

Bickslow shrugged. "Both… And neither… I can feel my skin crawling and how anxious I am, and I know it'll go away if I just shoot up. Sometimes it's like there's really someone in my head just telling me to do it. That… That things won't be as bad if I'm high."

Lucy shifted slightly while she looked up at him. Her thumbs absently circled the tops of his hands, and all she wanted was to hold him again. Bickslow wasn't wearing his visor just yet, since he'd said that he would put it on when he felt like he needed it, so she was able to see just how crestfallen he looked. How troubled. Lonely. "But it only makes things worse, doesn't it?" she asked softly.

He shrugged again. "I-I don't know. Everything's easier when I'm high. I can… I can do anything.  _Be_  anything. Or anyone. People like me better when I'm high."

"Do you know that for sure?" Lucy asked softly. When he looked away, she gently turned his head so she could look into his saddened eyes. "You're not high right now, and I like you just fine."

"Well,  _you're_  a fucking psycho," Bickslow snapped before shrinking in on himself. "S-Sorry… Shit, sorry…"

"It's okay," Lucy said. "What just happened?"

Bickslow sighed and wrapped his arms around himself while his leg started shaking. He hadn't meant to snap at her like that, and he didn't want the sweet blonde to hate him or think he was crazy. "M-Mood swings… I… I'm sorry… I-It happens sometimes, and… Well, I'm sor-"

"Bickslow, it's fine. Really," Lucy said earnestly. "I've been called worse than a psycho." Him having mood swings explained why he acted the way he did while he was still in the hospital. "Do those happen often?"

"Babies?"

"More often that he wants to admit," the totems said. "Or realizes."

Lucy slowly pulled Bickslow's arms from around himself then gently squeezed his hands. "Well, I'll keep that in mind while you're going through this, okay?"

Bickslow nodded quickly. He really didn't want her to hate him for it, but…  _'She will… Eventually…'_

"Bickslow!" Pipi shouted. "Cosplayer won't hate you!"

"Yeah, she's nice," Popo said.

Lucy blinked in surprise while she stared at the totems, then slowly turned to look at the Seith mage on her couch. "You can talk to them telepathically?" she asked. She'd completely forgotten that he was able to do that.

Bickslow nodded again. "And my babies can hear what I'm thinking," he mumbled.

They sat in silence for a moment, then Lucy went with her gut and wrapped her arms around him, laying her head on his shoulder. "I won't hate you, Bickslow," she whispered.

"C-Cosplayer?"

She smiled up at him then, feeling just how tense he was as he gaped at her. "You looked like you needed a hug." Her smile widened when his arms hesitantly wrapped around her. She felt small tremors running through his large frame, then a large shudder. "Are you alright?"

Bickslow shook his head and buried his nose in her hair. He'd never really been alright. Even before he came to Fiore. There was something wrong with him, that much he knew well before he'd started shooting up. "Things don't hurt when I'm using, Cosplayer," he whispered shakily. "I-I'm not… Lonely… It's easier to just forget everything like that…"

"Forget what?" Lucy whispered back.

"I-I don't wanna think about it. Please… Just… I wanna forget, okay?"

A soft sigh slipped past her lips while she nodded, giving him a light squeeze. "Sure, Bix. But… If you want someone to talk to about it, I'm here." She felt him nod against her as he took a shallow, shaky breath, and lifted one hand to his hair. With each light pass of her fingers through the long blue strands, she felt him relaxing just a little bit. Then a bit more, until his head was resting heavily against hers. "Did you fall asleep?" she giggled.

Bickslow smirked. "Nope. That just feels nice. Thanks, Lucy."

"Sure thing, hun," Lucy whispered, finally pulling away and settling herself between his legs again. She glanced up to see him staring at her in astonishment and rolled her eyes with a small smile. The way he was blushing, and just how often it was happening now that she knew what to look for, was absolutely adorable.

* * *

_**I want this more than life,  
I want this more than life.** _

* * *

Bickslow watched intently as Lucy pulled out two bottles of clear nail polish, then rummaged around through a surprisingly large box that held well over two dozen different bottles. "What the hell?" he chuckled. "That's a lot of nail polish."

Lucy grinned. "I'm a girl, silly. Besides, I think every color in the rainbow deserves equal attention." She paused and grimaced while she lifted one bottle from the box. "Even baby shit green…"

Bickslow laughed loudly at that. "That's disgusting!"

Lucy nodded with a heavy sigh, though her eyes were filled with amusement. After a moment, she got an idea, and decided to act on it. She opened the bottle and applied a thick layer of the disgusting green colored polish to one of her own nails, then blew on it gently. Once it dried, she said, "There's no saving this one. I might just have to get rid of it, give up on it altogether."

He went silent then, his face falling. That little bottle of polish was him. Through and fucking through. No matter how many layers you added, no matter what you did with it, it was still baby shit green. Still disgusting. There was no saving it, just like there was no saving  _him_. She should give up on him. Laxus had, so why would she be any different? He was just like it. Sickly green and vile. No one wanted something like that around.

" _But_ ," Lucy said seriously when she saw the look in his eyes, "I do remember that I added some glitter to it the first time I wore it. I wanted to fix it up." She grabbed another bottle of nail polish, a clear gel with millions of little bits of glitter floating in it. Once she put a thin layer on top of the already painted nail, she showed it to him. "It was pretty for a little while, but it was a bitch to get off. Glitter sticks to everything, and not even nail polish remover can get through it. Unless you really work at it."

Bickslow watched in confusion as Lucy lightly brushed over her nail with a fresh cotton ball. No matter what she did, there was still glitter on her nail. Over and over, single light strokes. It just stayed right where it was. Sure, some of it went away, but it was taking forever. "You should throw it away then, if you hate it so much," he whispered sadly.

Lucy shook her head. "See, that's what I thought at first," she said. She took a moment to scrub a little more forcefully, and smiled when her nail was free of polish again. Glitter and all. "All clean. It's all gone now, see? No gross green, and no glitter. Just a clean slate."

That was what Bickslow wanted. If he was that green polish, then the glitter was his addiction. It made everything better, brighter and more beautiful. People wanted to look at shiny things. They ignored that disgusting green in favor of the glitter. He didn't want to be green though. And he didn't want to keep using. But there was no nail polish remover for him. He couldn't just grab a huge cotton ball covered in acetone and scrub himself clean.

"So, do you know what I did?" Lucy asked. When Bickslow shook his head, still staring at her nails, she opened the green polish again. "I tried again. I wanted to believe that this green wasn't as hopeless as I thought at first." She painted one nail with a thick layer. Then another layer. "The more I added, the worse it got."

She went to the next nail and painted a thick layer again, then put the glittery mess of polish over it. Followed by another layer of green. "I even tried to sandwich it. I thought maybe hiding some of the glitter would help it look better. But, that didn't work either."

The totems floated over to the couch and watched Lucy toss the closed bottle of glittery polish back into the box.

"Then, I realized that the glitter was just making it worse. And I needed to forget about it. So, I put the glitter away and just tried the green again." She painted another nail with a moderate layer of polish, then smiled at Bickslow. "And I noticed something…"

"... What did you notice, Cosplayer?" the totems whispered curiously.

Lucy smiled at the little wooden baubles, then painted the next nail with a lighter coat. "I noticed that, when I really looked at it, there was more to that baby shit color than I'd realized. The more I added, the less I could really see about what it really looked like. And the glitter overpowered it. Turns out… this little green bottle is kinda shy. When I put it on too thick, it would just clam up. I couldn't appreciate it when it was hiding under all those layers…"

The totems giggled softly. "So… What did you do?"

Lucy pulled the small brush out of the bottle, then scraped most of the polish off of it on the little glass lip. She gently grabbed Bickslow's hand, then singled out his pinky and put a thin layer of polish on the nail. "I made sure I could see the beauty in it," she whispered. "It wasn't as hopeless or ugly as I'd thought when I realized that I couldn't be heavy-handed with it. It took some trial and error, but I finally figured the polish out. Just a light layer, hardly even there really, and I was able to see how amazing it was." She closed the bottle and picked up another bottle of clear polish. "Then, when I added the top coat, it was even more beautiful. Perfect, really. All it needed was for me to try to understand it, and that clear coat was there to protect it. Thin layers are really vulnerable, but adding anything else would just muddy it all up."

The totems flew down and looked at Bickslow's nail, then giggled again. "It's kinda yellow," Pupu said.

"And green too," Papa added.

"But it's really pretty now," Pepe whispered in awe.

"I wish I still had nails," Popo sighed.

Pipi turned and nuzzled Bickslow's cheek. "See?" it whispered. "It's pretty just the way it is."

Bickslow looked from his now-painted nail up to Lucy's smiling face, his brow furrowed. "You… really didn't give up, huh?"

Lucy shook her head. "I never give up."

Bickslow looked down at his little green pinky nail. He hadn't thought anything could make that color look halfway decent, but Lucy proved him wrong. It didn't need anything else, just what it was. It had still been a beautiful color before she'd added the top coat, but he knew that thin layers chipped easily. She'd protected it though. She made sure to keep it safe from being hurt by the outside world. Now, while he looked at the polish, he could see the shades of green and yellow, the slight metallic undertone.

Was she trying to say she knew what he was thinking? That he was just like that polish? He'd given up a long time ago, and never tried to find out just what was underneath everything, where he fit in, or what made him glow. His habit made him shine and blind people. It drew their attention to him, and made him feel special. But… What was underneath… What he tried to keep hidden… No one had ever tried finding that about him.

"You just need a top coat, Bickslow," Lucy said as she removed the polish from her own nails. "No glitter and no thick layers. Just a little something to keep you protected so others can see who you really are. And then…" She paused and lifted his hand into the air, pointing to his nail. "Then they can find out how amazing you are. And you'll feel better, knowing that people are seeing the real you, that they accept you for  _you_."

"But…" Bickslow sighed. "Where do I find a top coat?"

Lucy shrugged and smiled. "I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. But, we'll work on that together, how about that?"

* * *

_**To touch something real,  
Will help your wounds heal,** _

* * *

Bickslow smiled back at her. "Sounds good." When she went to remove the polish from his nail, he pulled his hand back. "Wait… Uh… Can I leave this one?" he whispered. "I… I like it…"

Lucy's smile brightened. "Of course," she said. "Do you still want black for the rest?"

"Yeah. Just… I want to have something to remind me about what you said." It sounded pretty silly to him, but the way Lucy lit up when she heard it, and the sincerity in his voice... It made that a lot less embarrassing. "One problem though," he sighed. "I'm starting to feel it, and I don't wanna mess them up once you start..."

"Feel what?"

"Anxious," he said. "Itchy everywhere. Usually it starts tingling, like my arm fell asleep. Then it gets worse until my skin is crawling..."

"Well, what should we do?" Lucy asked softly. She wanted to help, but she honestly didn't have a clue how. If her hands were busy, she couldn't rub his arms like she'd done in the hospital.

"I-I can try to keep still...?"

Lucy smiled. "Alright. Let me know if I need to stop, and I can rub wherever it itches for you." When he nodded, she grabbed the first clear bottle and got to work. "So," she said softly, "I'm putting a base coat on first, because it's got tons of vitamins that are really good for your nails. Plus, it makes the polish stick better and stay on longer."

"Never thought to do that," Bickslow chuckled. "Then again, I only started painting my nails because some tweaker did them while we were high and I liked how it looked. He worked at a nail salon out in Bosco though. I haven't seen him in about five years."

Lucy smiled. "I bet you've met a lot of interesting people."

"Yeah. Not all of them are ones I'd like to remember. Most are kind of assholes with no sense of right and wrong, because they're too focused on getting their next fix." Bickslow lifted his free hand and rubbed at his neck, watching Lucy glance at him with a soft smile before looking back down at his hand.

"But you're not like that," she said.

"Not usually," he sighed. "It does make me an asshole sometimes. Like when someone tries to take my needle away when I'm about to shoot up."

"But, can't you get infections from shooting up?" she asked with a frown. She set his hand down on her knee, keeping the fingers spread, then closed the bottle of polish. Lucy gently pulled his other hand from his neck and set it in her lap, then started lightly running her hands over the reddened skin. "Or diseases from using someone else's needle?"

"No to the diseases. I  _never_  use someone else's needle." Bickslow grimaced and looked at the scars all along his forearms. "But, yeah to the infection thing," he whispered. "It happened a couple times when I first started out, because I didn't know what I was doing..." He lifted the unpolished hand and pointed to a large scar on his wrist while Lucy moved down to his shoulders. "This one was the worst. Put me in the hospital for a month. I blew out a vein from poking through it too many times with the same needle, then I didn't clean it properly and it got infected. Nearly lost my hand because of it..."

"And that wasn't a sign that you needed to stop?" she asked worriedly as she looked at the scar.

"It was, but..." He sighed. "I started using when I was fifteen. The high still felt better than anything, and I never came down. I'd just... Wait for it to taper off enough, then switch over to heroin to sleep. When I woke up about two days later, it was right back to meth for another week or two..." He hated himself for the shit he'd put his body through. He wasn't an idiot. He knew exactly what it was doing to him. Killing his brain slowly, probably damaging other parts of him too. He'd broken bones from jumping off of buildings while high, gotten into fist fights for money when he needed it. Shit, this had put his ass in a coma. He knew it was bad, but...

But the high... That rush... He craved that. He needed it to forget about the past, about why he'd started using in the first place. He placed a hand on Lucy's when she picked up the bottle to work on his other hand. That urge he'd been trying to ignore since waking up, the tingling on the back of his neck and under his skin that signaled his deeper hunger... It was hitting him like a freight train. "W-Wait," he whimpered as he clamped his eyes shut. It was always like this at first. Waves and waves of his need for more crashed down on him, receded for a little while, then came back even harder until it was just a constant thought in his head. Perpetually distracting him, begging him for another shot. "Shit..."

"Bickslow?" Lucy's brow furrowed when she felt him squeezing her hand and knee almost painfully, but he was shaking. When he hissed in pain through his clenched jaw, she set the bottle down and moved his hands to his legs, then propped herself up on her knees. Then she saw it. His eyes were glowing through the lids, and a couple tears were welling on his lashes. "Babies, what do I do?" she asked worriedly.

"We don't know..." The totems lowered themselves to the back of the couch and watched as Lucy placed her hands on Bickslow's jaw.

"Bix, can you hear me?"

"Mm-hmm..."

"Chew your gum, okay? Don't grind your teeth. Just keep chewing."

"It hurts," he whimpered.

"I know, hun. But you have to chew."

_"Keep chewing, man," Laxus whispered. "Just chew. I know it hurts... Just keep chewing..."_

Bickslow jumped when he felt slender fingers gently pushing down on his jaw, forcing him to loosen it.

"Chew," Lucy whispered.

He took in a sharp breath when his eyes went from stinging to downright burning, almost as though they were trying to set him on fire. The skin around his eyes started hurting more and more. Tears streamed endlessly down his cheeks. Still, he felt Lucy's hands moving his jaw up and back down, forcing him to chew the gum in his mouth. "Fuck... Make it s-stop... Please..."

"Okay, umm..." Lucy tried to think of something, anything to help Bickslow. In the hospital, it had just gone away after a couple minutes, but now it was lasting even longer. "What's hurting?" she asked quickly.

"His eyes," the totems said softly.

"It's burning," Papa added. "There's too much magic coming out."

Lucy bit her lip for a moment, then looked around the apartment. Bickslow's visor was on the dining room table, but she didn't want to leave him to go get it. That only left one other option. "Open your eyes, Bix. I'll look away, so it'll be fine."

"N-No... I could... H-Hurt..."

"You won't," Lucy said, laying her forehead on his shoulder. "I can't see your eyes now. Open them." Her eyes widened when her vision was filled with a bright green light. "I... feel funny..." There was a dull hum that pulsed through her mind, a slow mossy fog rolling into her vision. It blurred the fabric of Bickslow's shirt. Her breathing slowed. She could hear her heart slowing down until only that hum filled her ears.

"Close your eyes, Cosplayer!" Pepe shouted.

"... Ba... bies..." Weightless, yet pulled down into a deep pit. Swirling around and around, making her dizzy and disoriented. "I..."

Papa floated down and saw Lucy's eyes glazing over, but there was no green light shining from them just yet like it did when someone was fully possessed by Bickslow's Figure Eyes. "Sorry, Lucy," he whispered before backing up and ramming himself into her ribs. Thankfully, there was no cracking sound, but it had the desired effect. Her eyes slammed shut as pain shot through her. He quickly flew up to her ear and said, "Keep your eyes closed, Lucy. It's not safe yet."

Bickslow wrapped his arms around the blonde. He hated this. He hated that he could possess Lucy just because his eyes had gone out of control. He hated that he didn't know how to make it stop, and that the only way to make the pain die down was to have his eyes open. They were still stinging, but it was bearable, at least. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry, Cosplayer..."

"It's okay, Bickslow. I'm fine," Lucy said gently after taking a deep breath. "Just focus on relaxing, alright?"

Bickslow nodded, wincing when he blinked. This was why he hated withdrawal. Why he tried to make sure he never went through it. Aside from the itching and cravings, and everything else… His magic was affected by it. People could get hurt if he lost control of his eyes at the wrong moment and had nothing to act as a barrier between them. He rested his cheek on her golden hair and stared at the opposite wall for as long as possible, his leg still restlessly bouncing and his toes curling uncomfortably. He didn't know how long they sat there in total silence, but it didn't matter to him when he realized that Lucy had started rubbing his arms at some point while he tried to regain control.

It soothed him, relaxed him. It took away the bad and the darkness, and slowly replaced it with contentment and light. There were no beatings from strangers, or money thrown in pools of his blood while he laid battered on the ground. There were no memories of lonely nights in a ratty yard with a thin blanket, a teddy bear, and his backpack. No arguing through thin walls, no moaning either. There weren't tubes being shoved down his throat, or cold-hearted bastards in lab coats putting electrodes on his head. Lucy's thin, dainty hands took that away. Pushed it all away and left him with her smile. How she'd looked when juice was flying out of her nose, or cackling like a lunatic while she laid on the floor. How he could vaguely remember holding her, and how it felt for her to hold him while they slept on the couch. But… Most importantly… He was reminded of the fact that Lucy… Someone so beautiful and pure and kind… Wanted to help him. That she had saved him, stayed in the hospital with him, and that he'd gotten the chance to wake up and find someone there. He hadn't been as alone as he'd thought at the time. She'd been there for him, with him. He didn't think he could ever repay her for that, but he wanted to. A lot.

After what felt like a lifetime, he took a slow, steadying breath and looked at his babies.  _"Am I good now?"_

"You can look now, Lucy," Papa said softly. "They stopped glowing."

She slowly sat up when Bickslow's arms dropped like lead, then gave him a small smile while wiping away the tears that were nearly dried on his cheeks. "Better?" she whispered.

Bickslow looked away and nodded. "Yeah," he whispered back.

"Then let's get your manicure started back up," Lucy said after a moment. She saw him nod, and returned to her previous position of sitting cross-legged between his legs, then grabbed his unpainted hand. Once she had the bottle of base coat opened and started working on his nails again, Lucy said, "I have a question."

"Shoot."

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Lucy said hesitantly, "But… I was wondering... Is there something specific that makes that happen?"

Bickslow frowned in thought. Was there actually something that made his eyes go out of whack? He didn't think there was. "I don't know," he finally answered. "I don't really pay attention to what's going on before it happens. It's worse when I start freaking out over it, but when it starts... It just…"

"It's unexpected," Lucy supplied, earning a nod from him. She continued working on his nails, closing the bottle and pulling out the flat black polish. It was when she was working on the second layer of black on his first hand, the one with the little green pinky nail, that he twitched. The hand being held in hers jerked swiftly to one side, just enough for the brush to slip and get polish on his finger.

"Damn, sorry," Bickslow said tensely. "You'll have to start over now…"

Lucy laughed softly and shook her head. "No, I can fix it," she said, scraping her nail along his finger to remove the wet polish from his skin. "Nothing to worry about."

Bickslow blinked in confusion. He'd never thought to do something like that. It was so simple, but he just hadn't considered it to be a viable option. Instead, he would take all of his nail polish off, and start over from scratch. It wasted time when he didn't have anything else to do, but it was so damn frustrating most times that he just gave up on it looking halfway decent.

Once Lucy was finished with both layers of black, she closed the little bottle and set it back in the box, then grabbed Bickslow's hands. Their fingers were laced together, with his intentionally spread apart while they wrapped around her hands, and she gently blew on the wet onyx polish to help it dry a little faster. His hands had twitched a few more times after the first, and she could see the spots on his skin that needed a little extra attention to get the excess polish off where she hadn't been able to scrape all of it away. When Lucy looked up at him though, she found Bickslow staring at where their hands were joined. Maybe it was because she was holding his hands in general. Or maybe he was wondering why she was so comfortable around someone that she hardly knew, a known - to her at least - drug user that was currently going through withdrawal. "What made you decide to put your babies' souls into little tikis?" she asked suddenly.

Bickslow jolted in surprise, pulled from the little black pit he'd been whirling in concerning Lucy ditching him the first chance she got, once she got tired of his bullshit. "Um…" he muttered timidly. He wasn't used to talking about himself. The drugs were one thing. That was something he did, something that wasn't a part of him. But his babies… The reason he'd chosen those little wooden totems to house the souls he'd brought into his family… That was personal. Not even Laxus had asked him why they were in the little stylized bits of wood. "W-Well…"

Lucy smiled gently. "You don't have to tell me, Bickslow," she said. "I was just curious. I mean, out of everything you could choose in the world, you chose that. And I know your babies are special to you, and that they really care about you."

"Well, why is it Virgo calls you 'Princess'?" Bickslow asked. Maybe the reasoning was the same? He didn't really know, but it was something he'd been wondering about. But maybe that was personal for her, like his babies being in little wooden totems was for him.

"Because I won't let her or my other spirits call me 'Master' - or 'Mistress', more accurately," Lucy said with a fond smile. "They can call me pretty much anything but that. Although Loke does take it to a bit of an extreme sometimes with his love declarations."

Bickslow chuckled. "Love declarations? Seriously?"

Lucy nodded and rolled her eyes with an exaggerated sigh. "He's just trying to show that he appreciates what I did for him," she answered. "I mean, I get it in a way. He's a playboy, and that's just how he operates. He already knows I'm not planning on accepting any advances from him or  _any_  spirit, so it's just his way of joking around now."

"What'd you do for him?"

Lucy's eyes softened while she set his hands down on her lap. She pulled out a q-tip and dipped it in polish remover, then started carefully rubbing it over the stray spots of polish on his fingers. "You knew he was a spirit before I even joined the guild," she said softly.

"Yeah. His soul's different," Bickslow agreed.

"Well, his last master was killed," Lucy said. "She was mistreating her spirits, and he opened his gate and kept it open so she couldn't summon any of the others. The Celestial Spirit King blamed Loke for her death, and exiled him to Earthland to suffer until it sucked the life out of him."

"Fuck…" Bickslow hadn't known anything about Loke, just that he was a serious player with girls all over him constantly. He didn't really know how it worked for Celestial Spirits, but that was insanely familiar. "That's kinda like what happens to souls," he whispered. "The longer they're here without moving on, the more restless they get. They're stronger and harder to control and calm down…"

Pipi giggled. "I was dead for ten years before Bickslow found me."

"And you were batshit crazy," Pepe grumbled.

Papa chuckled. "And an asshole."

Lucy laughed and shook her head at the totems. She started applying the top coat to seal in the black polish as she said, "Well, after the whole Phantom thing, Loke started acting really weird. I found him out at a waterfall, and he told me about his past and how he was a spirit. And…" She paused and blushed. "I may have kinda sorta gotten the Spirit King to change his mind about the whole Loke disappearing forever thing."

Bickslow blinked. Then blinked again. He watched as time crawled by, and with each passing second, Lucy's face grew a deeper shade of red until she looked as though she'd been parbaked on the sun. "You… Huh?"

She nodded. "I didn't want him to die," she said softly. "He didn't deserve that. Karen was the one that made a mistake, and Loke suffered enough for it. I didn't have his key, but I kept trying to open his gate anyway… And my spirits all came out to support me. It's what made the King change his mind…" She paused again, then gave Bickslow a brilliant smile. "I almost killed myself for him, but it was worth it. I've got the leader of the Zodiac as a spirit now, but -  _much_  more importantly - I've got an amazing friend."

When Lucy closed the bottle and put it away, Bickslow couldn't help but stare at her. Here was a woman who had literally put her life on the line for someone that she hadn't known anything about. He knew that it was hard as hell to get rid of a Celestial spirit for good, but it was irreversible when it happened. Lucy had stopped that. She'd done what no one else ever had - that he knew of - and now… Now she wanted to put that same conviction, that same resolve to save someone, to use again for  _him_. Just some pathetic piece of garbage like  _him_. Loke at least deserved to live. But Bickslow didn't. Not really.

He opened his mouth when she lifted a fresh piece of gum to his lips, then looked down at his nails. They were perfect. Astounding, really. He hadn't seen them like this in… Well, ever. The tweaker that had painted them the first time had done just that. Just a couple layers of black nail polish. What stuck out the most to him though was his little green pinky nail. It seemed to shine even more in comparison to the others. It was beautiful. Captivating. He loved that little fucking nail, and that was all because of Lucy. She was the one that showed him it was what was underneath that really mattered. That's what was most important, and more amazing than anyone realized because it was so well-hidden otherwise. He was definitely that green polish, and he just hoped that he'd be able to be like that some day.

Lucy's fingers threaded through Bickslow's, and she lightly blew on his nails once his long fingers curled carefully around her hands again. It was strange to see him so quiet, but when she found out just how shy he really was, she understood it a little better. Bickslow had told her that he had a tendency to get lost in his head when he wasn't high. Sometimes it was because his brain was just functioning at half-speed while he was coming down, but others… Well, he hadn't gone into detail, but he did say that he thinks a lot. And it had been confirmed for her several times already between the two days she'd spent with him in the hospital after he woke up that day.

"They're in tiki dolls because of my past," Bickslow whispered. "When I was a kid, there was this village way out in the woods. I used to go there sometimes just to walk around or do my homework where it was quiet. The place had been abandoned for centuries, from what I read when I got older, but… They had these huge totem poles with faces on them. Carved into them and painted just like my babies are now. Each one had five faces on it. Some were animals and other things, but my favorite one was with these faces."

The totems lifted into the air and stacked themselves on top of one another, each little face turned toward Lucy.

"There were words carved into that one, but I couldn't read them," Bickslow continued. "One on the back of each section. They were mostly faded, but I could tell it was some other language that I just didn't know. So, I called the faces by what the word looked like to me." He pointed to the top of the mini totem pole, to the first soul he'd ever gotten.

Papa chuckled. "Papa." His little black painted eyes were surrounded by a red diamond-shaped design, and he looked as though he was growling.

"Pepe," the second totem giggled. It looked as though it was wearing a red eye mask and its mouth was painted into a thin, small line.

"Pipi," the third chirped with its beady black painted eyes and wide, open-mouthed smile.

The fourth laughed happily. Its little face looked perpetually angry, with large green 'eyebrows' that pulled down into a deep scowl, a green nose, and little pink lips in the shape of an 'O'. The totem spun slowly in place from where it was nestled between the others and said, "Popo."

"Pupu," the final totem said. Its white eyes drooped and the pink lips were pulled into a grimace.

Lucy smiled at the totems. "It's nice to meet you Papa, Pepe, Pipi, Popo, and Pupu."

Bickslow couldn't help but smile a little when the five little souls lit up and cheered while they flew around Lucy, then watched as each of them took a turn cuddling her neck or cheek. She was the first person aside from his team that had learned his babies' names. The first one they'd chosen to share that with. Yeah, he had opened it up for them to introduce themselves, but he wouldn't have pushed it if they didn't want to tell her. "My babies really like you, Cosplayer."

Lucy's smile widened. "Nah, they love me."

He smirked. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because we told her so," the totems chirped. They flew over to the Seith mage that had taken them in, and cuddled up to his neck and face. "Just like we love you!"

Bickslow's eyes softened and his heart swelled happily. "I love you too, babies."

Lucy continued gently blowing on Bickslow's nails while she watched him with his babies. She just couldn't help it. Seeing him like this, how he was openly affectionate with the little souls, how quiet he was even when his hands kept tightening their grip on hers in a steady rhythm, she liked it. It was different from everything else she'd seen so far. He'd been quiet before, but this was a calm quiet, and not from him being lost in thought or too agitated to talk. It was peaceful.

Bickslow's hands twitched again, and he gave Lucy a sad smile. It was getting harder and harder to control it, to stop that urge to scratch himself or run out and find his dealer, but he was going to manage. He had to. He had Lucy and his babies on his side, and he knew that he needed to get clean. Laxus had been his entire support system at one point, and part of him felt like he was replacing one blond with another, but… Lucy was different. Where Laxus had been rough and antisocial most times - more willing to just use his lightning to make Bickslow stop doing something - Lucy wasn't. She tried getting to the root of things, finding out what they could do to stop what was happening. He appreciated with Laxus did for him, but he hoped that Lucy's approach would help him.

Once his nails were completely dried, the fifteen minute time limit Lucy had placed on the task having come and gone while they kept talking, Bickslow straightened his fingers and looked at his nails again.  _"Do you think I could ask her?"_

" _Yeah,"_  the totems answered.  _"It's worth a shot."_

Bickslow internally nodded. He could do that. He could take the initiative and ask her. "H-Hey, Lucy?" he whispered.

"Yeah?" She didn't think she would ever get used to him using her real name, but she'd started to notice a pattern in when he said it. Usually, it happened when he was going to say something that had him blushing up a storm.

"Do you think I could umm…" Bickslow felt his face heating up as the seconds ticked by, but the look in her eyes made it seem like she couldn't see it at all. "Maybe… I-I could pay you back sometime," he said uncertainly. "Y'know. Since you did my nails, m-maybe I could… Do yours? When I'm not all twitchy…"

That had been the last thing Lucy had ever expected, but she couldn't help but give him a wide smile while she nodded. Of course she'd let Bickslow do her nails. Hell, he could do it even if he was tweaking so badly it looked like he was doing some strange interpretive dance. "You can paint my nails whenever you want, Bix," she giggled. "I'd like that."

Bickslow's cheeks reddened and he gave her a small smile.

"Hey, what do you say we watch that movie I put on last night?" Lucy asked suddenly. It was getting later and later, but she just didn't want him to leave. She knew it was hard for him, trying to keep himself together when his body was screaming for more drugs, but Bickslow was doing an amazing job as far as she was concerned. "To celebrate!"

"Celebrate what?" Bickslow chuckled.

"Day one on Recovery Road," Lucy grinned, "Was a total success!"

"I don't know about  _total_  success," he mumbled.

"Sure it was," Lucy said happily. "I'm considering any day that you don't shoot up, and I don't get randomly punched in the face, a success."

Bickslow couldn't help but snort. "Punched in the face?"

"It happens more often than you'd think," she deadpanned. "Natsu  _is_  my partner."

He laughed and shook his head at her, then said, "Yeah, Cosplayer. Let's watch that movie. It's my favorite."

"Mine too."

Lucy turned on the lacrima television from her place between Bickslow's legs, then started the movie over from the night before. The totems stayed in their place on the coffee table as the movie rolled, and Pipi slowly turned around to look at the mages on the couch when everything was quiet behind them, then laughed quietly.  _"They're never gonna finish this movie."_

The other totems turned and had to stifle their laughter. It seemed Lucy didn't need any help curling up to Bickslow and sleeping this time around. She was lying with her head on his chest, and his arms were already wrapped around her slender frame. They floated over and carefully pushed the blanket down over the pair of them.

" _I'm surprised he's asleep again,"_  Papa said thoughtfully.

" _Yeah,"_ Popo agreed.  _"But maybe he's trying to catch up on it."_

Pepe wobbled from side to side indecisively.  _"Maybe, but… Does anyone else wanna push Cosplayer lower so her face is in his lap?"_

" _Pfft,"_ Pupu snorted.  _"No, but his face in her boobs…"_

" _He'd suffocate."_

" _Or get a nosebleed… Like Freed does at the mention of them."_

" _It'd be one hell of a way to wake up…"_

" _Or the best death ever,"_  Popo sighed.  _"Those things are magical."_

" _Babies… What the fuck?"_  Bickslow's eyes slowly opened in a glare at the totems on the back of the couch.  _"What the hell is wrong with you five?"_

" _We're just trying to get you some Cosplayer lovin'..."_

" _Yeah, we're helping."_

" _She wasn't mad this morning when you guys were all cuddly."_

" _And when Natsu came by and saw you guys asleep together, he just turned around and left."_

" _Wait…"_ Bickslow's eyes widened in horror.  _"Natsu was here? When?!"_

" _Three in the morning,"_  the totems answered.

" _He came in through the window in her bedroom…"_

" _... Then looked at you guys on the couch for a long time…"_

" _... And then he just shrugged and went back out the window."_

" _It was kind of weird…"_

" _And that's saying something, coming from us,"_ the little souls giggled.

Bickslow was ready to jump off of the couch and hightail it out of there. Natsu was a fucking psycho when it came to something he liked. He really did hoard that shit like the dragon he claimed to be raised by. And Lucy was one of the many things - well, people - that Natsu cared about. Then there was Erza. He was so fucking dead if that redheaded terror found out a junkie had been cuddling with Lucy.  _"We've gotta get outta here!"_

" _Seriously… Chill out… It didn't seem like a big deal."_

Lucy sighed softly and snuggled closer to Bickslow, and he looked down at her hair with a shake of his head. There was no moving her. He already knew that. And he was extremely comfortable. Instead, Bickslow decided that he'd just try and get some sleep. It might be his last night alive…

" _You're so melodramatic,"_ the totems laughed.

" _Maybe, but I think it's warranted."_ When he heard the little souls singing Taps in playful preparation for his impending funeral, Bickslow rolled his eyes.  _"I love you too, babies,"_ he internally chuckled. Little jokesters that they were, he still loved them.

* * *

_**Like the sun on your face,  
The dreams of starry nights.** _

* * *

Lucy smiled up at Bickslow once she'd locked her front door behind them. "I'll see you at the guild?" she asked softly.

Bickslow smiled down at her and nodded. "Yeah, Cosplayer. I just need to stop by my place and shower. And brush my teeth." He'd gone the entire day previous without doing it once, and it was driving him insane. He knew that missing one day wasn't going to instantly turn his teeth into a decayed mess, but it was still pretty gross. At least, to him it was. He adjusted his visor while he thought back to that morning, when he'd woken up to his eyes burning and glowing again. Lucy had still been asleep, but she'd woken up partway through it, and he had to throw a hand over her eyes when she tried to look at him. Needless to say, the kick she'd somehow managed to hit him with from her position on top of him, one that had sent him flying across the apartment, had been unexpected. Along with her vehement shouting about Natsu needing to stay the hell out of her bed. It was only his totems laughing while they held a pillow in front of his face to keep her safe that had pulled Lucy back to reality.

"How's your cheek?"

Bickslow chuckled. "It's fine." He wasn't going to admit that it was sore as hell, or that there was actually a cut on the inside of his cheek where he'd inadvertently bitten when she kicked him.

"Sorry about that," Lucy laughed sheepishly.

Bickslow shrugged as they walked down the road. "I've had worse hits to the head, but I think I'd take Ever's fan over your kicks any day."

Lucy smiled down at the cobblestone as they walked. "She hits you with her fan?"

He nodded. "She hits  _everyone_  with her fan. Freed's face was priceless the first time she did it to him."

"I'm sure it was," she giggled.

They walked in silence for a short while, and Bickslow raised an intrigued brow when he saw Lucy pull out her keys and summon a small snowman. "Who's that?"

"This is Plue. He's a Canis Minor."

"A dog?" he asked curiously.

Lucy grinned. "Yep. Plue, this is Bickslow."

"Pun Punnn!"

"Hey, little buddy," Bickslow said with a smirk. "Babies, go say hi to Plue."

"Plue! Plue!"

Lucy jumped up onto the canal wall in her daily balancing ritual and watched happily as Plue walked just in front of her while Bickslow's babies floated around him. It seemed they were having a conversation of sorts, but she wasn't able to hear them all too well.

Bickslow paused in his step once they reached the bridge along the canal, waiting for Lucy to hop down. "So, this is me," he said softly, silently calling his babies over to him. "I'll um… See you at the guild."

Lucy gave him a small smile and a nod. "I'll see you there. Thanks for staying yesterday."

"Thanks for helping me," Bickslow answered. He popped another piece of gum in his mouth and said, "Right… So… I'll see you there."

Lucy laughed softly. "We've already done that part, Bix."

"Oh, right. Well umm… See ya then."

Just as Bickslow was turning to walk away, Lucy grabbed his hand. He turned to look back at her, although she couldn't tell what his expression really was with his visor on, then she gave him a small smile. "I've got something for you."

"Huh?"

Lucy nodded and reached into her key pouch, then pulled out a small copy of the picture they'd taken when he showed up at her house. She carefully placed it in his hand, and saw his jaw drop open slightly. "Here," she whispered, "I figured you might want something to hold onto, so you can remember that we're doing this together."

Bickslow looked down at the picture, then back at Lucy in astonishment. "Really?" he asked, his voice barely more than a breath.

"Really," Lucy replied. "Now go get showered and all that, and I'll see you soon."

Bickslow nodded absently as he looked back down at the picture. "Th-Thanks, Lucy…"

"Your welcome, Bix."

He slowly turned after they said their goodbyes - again - and made his way across the bridge that would lead him in the general direction of his apartment. He couldn't help but look at the picture while he walked through the streets of Magnolia. The image of himself, what he looked like while he was coming down, was absolutely mortifying. He looked like shit, and remembered extremely well just how horrible he'd felt. But he'd been smiling. And it was because of the blonde next to him. It was a genuine smile, and he was surprised to see just how happy he looked.

But Lucy… She made the picture come to life. Where he looked absolutely horrendous, and could see dark circles under his eyes, how bloodshot they were, and how pale he was at the time… Lucy was full of life. She was vibrant, nearly glowing. Her large chocolate eyes glimmered with happiness, and the way his babies had been cuddled up with her… He'd never thought he would find someone that his babies liked, or that liked them. But she did. "She's really amazing, huh babies?" he whispered with a small smile.

"Yeah, she is."

"Bickslow, you look happy," Pepe said.

"I am happy, Pepe."

"In the picture, too," Popo added. "You look so happy."

Bickslow's smile widened at that. "Well… She makes me happy."

"Someone's got a crush," Pipi crooned.

"Hehe," Pupu giggled. "You liiiiiike her!"

Bickslow chuckled and shook his head at that. "She's just my friend, babies."

"Really?" the totems asked as they stopped in the air. "Cosplayer's your friend?"

Bickslow turned around to face them, then pulled his wallet out. As he was pushing the picture into one of the little clear pockets, which was the only picture he actually had in there, he grinned. "Yeah, babies," he whispered. His finger brushed lightly over the image. That was day one, the first day of his journey to being clean and sober again. He knew it wasn't going to be easy, but he had to believe that he could do it. And, looking at a picture of himself, his babies, and a sweet blonde… He had a really good feeling that he could succeed. "She's my friend…"

* * *

__**And we are homeward bound,**  
And I,  
I want this more than life... 

 


	8. Far Too Young to Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Panic! at the Disco: Far Too Young to Die

 

_**I've never so adored you  
I'm twisting allegories now** _

* * *

"God, I seriously needed this," Cana sighed as she, Lucy, Erza, and Levy made their way to a club in downtown Magnolia. "Booze at the hall is all well and good, but…"

"But, you just need to find some dick," Lucy deadpanned.

While Cana laughed, Erza and Levy sputtered - something that was still odd to see the Requip mage doing. "Hell yeah, Lulu!" she shouted. "Not that you need any help, am I right?"

"Huh?"

Erza smirked, quickly regaining her composure. "Yes, we heard from Natsu that he found you and a certain someone sleeping on your couch a few nights ago."

Lucy blinked in surprise at that. "N-Natsu… What?"

Levy giggled softly. "Seriously, Lu. Did you think you could keep it a secret forever?"

"Keep  _what_  a secret?" Lucy asked. There was no way in hell that Natsu had really broken into her house - well, that part was believable - and seen her and Bickslow sleeping on the couch. Not without setting something on fire. That was just… Inconceivable!

"You and Bickslow!" the other three women said in unison.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about!" Lucy said quickly. She'd promised that she would keep his secret, that no one would know about his addiction. She was going to deny any and all allegations until the end of time.

Erza paused in her step, her smile fading into a dark scowl. "Was he in your home without your knowledge then?" she asked slowly. "I'll rip him into-"

Lucy's eyes widened. "No!" she shouted. Or maybe Lucy was just going to deny  _most_  of the allegations. "I invited him over!" Surely it wouldn't be too bad if she just told them parts of the truth. She hadn't exactly extended a formal invitation to her apartment - not before he'd shown up, at least - but she  _had_  told him that she was willing to help. And now he did have an 'any time, day or night' invitation whenever he needed it.

"Hoo hoo," Cana laughed. "Lucy's jumped on the Bickslow train! How's that tongue action?"

"Wh-What?! There was  _no_  tongue action!"

"So, just fucking then," Cana sighed. "Damn. I've been wondering about what he can do with it… I mean… It's so long! And he's  _always_  sticking it out and wagging it around…" She threw an arm over Lucy's shoulders and sighed dreamily. "I'm about to flood Magnolia, Lulu."

Lucy blanched and turned a mortified expression to Levy, silently mouthing  _"Help me!"_  Except, now that Cana had brought it up…  _'No, Lucy… You're just his friend… Even if you_ _ **were**_ _dreaming about it last night… Oh god, stop!'_

Levy shrugged. She wasn't getting in the middle of this, lest the attention get directed to her… and her already not-so-secret infatuation with Gajeel.

"So why was he sleeping at your home, then?" Erza asked as they rounded the final corner to the club.

Lucy sighed. They weren't going to let this go, so she would just need to give them as little information as possible. "We were just hanging out, and we fell asleep watching a movie."

"I didn't realize you and Bickslow were really friends," Levy said thoughtfully.

"Well, we started talking a couple weeks ago, but that was the first time he came over." Lucy smirked at the little blunette. "Besides, it shouldn't be too surprising. You're friends with Gajeel."

When Levy's jaw clamped shut, Cana chuckled. "Yeah, but Levy wants him to slay her va-dragon." The muffled squeak from the Script mage had the other three laughing. "But,  _you_  Lulu… C'mon… You know you wanna open up the gates of freakin' Mordor and let him jump dick-first into Sauron's eye…"

Lucy well and truly gaped at the Card mage. "I… Wasn't aware you liked Lord of the Rings."

Cana shrugged. She gave the bouncer outside of the club a saucy wink when he moved to let them bypass the line outside. "Not really. I was too hungover to move and change the channel."

"Wow… Well, we're here so no more talk about this. I wanna dance!" Lucy quickly pulled herself from Cana's grip - since the brunette had a habit of getting way too handsy when they were in a crowd and she got more sloshed - and all but dragged Levy into the sweaty throng of bumping and grinding and lowered inhibitions. This was what she'd needed. She hadn't heard from Bickslow in a few days, but she'd seen Freed taking a request up to Mira the day that they'd finally left her apartment. She was going to make sure she talked to him when they came back from their mission, just to make sure he was still doing alright.

* * *

_**I want to complicate you  
Don't let me do this to myself** _

* * *

After two straight hours of dancing, Lucy was ready to cut her feet off. She made her way over to the bar and took a seat, ordering a gin and tonic in the process. It wasn't until her third or fourth drink, which was spent watching Cana and Erza sandwich Levy on the dance floor, that she felt something pulsing in her bag. With a frown, Lucy searched the few contents and found that the small lacrima she'd bought was getting a call. Only one person knew that she had it, the one that she'd gotten it for specifically so he could call her when he needed help.

She quickly downed the rest of her drink and paid her tab, then hopped off of her barstool and made her way outside, answering on the way. "Bickslow?" she asked when she saw his wide red eyes looking at her on the orb. "Is everything alright?"

He shook his head quickly. "I need you… I'm… Fuck, Cosplayer…" He sighed while running a hand through the black section of his hair. "Can you come by?"

"Yeah," Lucy nodded. "Of course. Where are you?"

"I don't know… Magnolia…" He squinted while looking around, then made his way down the street until he was at a corner and could see the sign for the intersection. "Strawberry and Fifth. By the canal… I…" He looked worriedly at the lacrima again. "I can't find my babies, Cosplayer."

That wasn't exactly something that Lucy thought would happen, considering how close Bickslow was to those little souls. It definitely wasn't what she'd expected him to be calling about either, but she wasn't going to turn him down. He really looked worried.

"Babies!" Bickslow shouted as he started making his way along the canal. "Babies?!"

"You need to stay right where you are, Bickslow," Lucy said, walking quickly toward where Bickslow said he was at. Oddly enough - or maybe not so much when she thought about it - he was right by her apartment. Hopefully, that meant that he'd gone to her place looking for her. "Stay right there, okay? I'm just down the road."

"BABIES!" he shouted frantically. "WHERE ARE YOU?!" His eyes sought out the lacrima again, the warm honey eyes of the blonde. "Cosplayer, they're missing… They left me!"

"Bickslow, you need to stay put," Lucy said when she realized he was running. "Stay put so I can find you."

He dropped to the ground, pulling his knees to his chest. "I want my babies, Cosplayer… I need them…"

She was silently cursing her heels as she picked up the pace and started running as quickly as she could manage. The fuckers hurt. It was what she got for wearing them out when they weren't broken in yet, but… That was kind of the point of wearing them in the first place. "I'm coming, Bix. I'll be there soon, okay?"

"But… I've gotta find them," Bickslow whispered sadly. He looked around the darkened street again, then held the lacrima in one hand while he crawled on his other hand and both knees. "I love my babies, Cosplayer." He paused in his search to sniff loudly, then wiped his nose with his hand. "Babies? Hey guys, c'mon… No more hide and seek!"

Lucy rounded the corner and slowed down once she saw him only a block away. "Bickslow, I'm right here," she panted, forcing her legs to keep moving even though she just wanted to stop for a short breather. "Turn around and look down the street. I'll be there in a minute."

He blinked and whirled around in place, then his jaw dropped open when he saw her walking toward him. Her long golden hair was down in loose curls. A skimpy black halter dress was hugging every sinful curve of her body, glittering like the night sky when she passed under a lacrima-powered lamp, then another, and another. The neckline plunged down between her breasts and right to hell, stopping just below her navel. That outfit was a fucking sin, and her… Good lord, she was the embodiment of a succubus. Long, slender legs that he needed to have wrapped around him moved quickly, and her hips swayed so damn perfectly that he felt his mouth watering and his cock jumping to attention. Strappy black heels on her feet, with little toes barely peeking out of the front. "Holy fuck, Cosplayer…"

He couldn't help himself. She was sexy as hell. He already knew she was pretty, beautiful, amazing, but… Lucy was fucking  _sexy_. He jumped to his feet and cut off the lacrima as she drew closer, then quickly made his way over to her. He just couldn't stop. The closer they got, the more detail he took in. And the more detail he took in, the more he wanted her laid out on her back and screaming his name for hours. Days, even. He could stay up for that long in more ways than one if it was necessary, and with a woman as gorgeous as her? Yeah, it was  _really_  fucking necessary.

As soon as Bickslow was able to see her face clearly, he felt himself waking up in all the right ways. Light gloss was brushed over her rose petal lips. Her cheeks were barely brushed with a hint of pink. But her eyes. He'd always had a thing for eyes, probably because of his magic. Lucy's were brighter than ever, the normal chocolate-honey color having transformed into a bronzy-gold. Dark lines were drawn across her lower lids, with the upper fading from silver by her nose to smoky grey as the eye shadow moved further away. She looked ready to eat him alive. And holy hell, was that what he wanted. "Damn," he rasped, unable to stop his eyes from roving over her body again, "You look sexy as hell."

Lucy blushed deeply under Bickslow's gaze, taking note of how he started nibbling his lip in her peripherals. It had been a long time since someone had looked at her that way, and it had never really happened with her clothes on before. "You said your babies are missing," she whispered. "When was last time you saw them?"

"Where were you at when I called?" Bickslow asked curiously, taking his time to circle around her and get a perfect 360-view of the blonde.

Lucy looked at him over her shoulder with a raised brow. "At a club," she answered. It was kind of obvious that's where she'd been. It wasn't like she made a habit of wearing something that quite literally came from the 'Clubwear' section of her favorite store on a regular basis. Only for when she was getting ready to let loose with the girls. "Your babies," she said firmly. "Where did you see them last?"

* * *

_**I'm chasing roller coasters  
I've got to have you closer now** _

* * *

Bickslow's arm wrapped around her once he was in front of her again, the hand sliding down that deliciously soft skin to her lower back and feeling just how low the dress dipped. He pulled her into his chest, a slow smirk making its presence known on his face while his head lowered. He could hear her breath stuttering with every inch of space between them disappearing. "Whaddya say," he whispered huskily, his lips only a breath away from hers as he looked deeply into her eyes. "Wanna come home with me?"

Did she? Lucy's inner skank-nasty brain was all for it. Hell, it was already tearing its clothes off and jumping onto an imaginary bed to be properly ravished by the Seith mage. Tits out, ass up, legs spread. His eyes were hooded, filled with longing. His lips, just that small brush of contact in passing, nearly made her knees buckle. Bickslow's free hand slid up from her thigh, over her hip, her waist, the outside of her breast, and stopped as it wrapped around the back of her neck. She was drawn into the deep rings in his irises, noticing how they faded so seamlessly into the slightly brighter red. She couldn't remember the question anymore, but she didn't really care. Maybe it was the alcohol - a few gin and tonics, when she wasn't much of a drinker in the first place - but what did it matter? Bickslow was sexy as hell. Yeah, he was a meth addict, and that should have been enough for her to say 'hell motherfucking no'...

But… Lucy had seen him in a hospital, at her home, sitting on her couch. Eating breakfast with her. She'd painted his nails, watched as his eyes had gone out of control and all he'd been worried about was not hurting her. She'd seen that timid side of him, the reserved person that lived under the layers he donned daily. She'd seen just how kind and sweet he was, not only with her but with his babies.  _'His babies!'_  Lucy blinked rapidly and pushed herself away from him. "Bickslow," she said firmly. "Your babies. Where are they?"

He froze then. He'd been willing to go after her, to finally slip his tongue past her cherry-glossed lips and taste just how sweet she was, but he had to find his babies first. "I…" He furrowed his brow and looked around in confusion. Where had his babies gone? They wouldn't leave him alone. Those five little souls knew just how important they were to him. "I don't know," he said shakily, wiping a hand over his face.

"Okay then," Lucy sighed. Now that Bickslow wasn't facing her, she took a couple deep breaths to calm herself back down. That shit was way too close for comfort. She hadn't known he'd be so grabby or aggressive while coming on to someone, but… She wasn't sure if that was turning her on more, or if it was just the Seith mage in general. "We'll backtrack until we find…" She trailed off when Bickslow's hand swept back through his hair. Only one sleeve was rolled up, and Lucy's eyes narrowed in confusion. She grabbed his bare arm, then her eyes widened when she felt his skyrocketed temperature. Without any hesitation, Lucy flipped his arm over and stared at the crook of his elbow.

There. A few inches below the joint. A fresh puncture wound. With two others around it that looked as though they'd already started healing. "Bickslow," she whispered, "What's… This?"

He looked down at where she was touching him. "Shit," he muttered to himself. The Seith mage pulled his sleeve back down, and took another step away from her. "It's nothing…"

"That's why you can't find them," Lucy said suspiciously. "Your magic cut off, and you left them somewhere."

Bickslow scowled at her. "I'll find them myself," he said quickly. "Sorry for bothering you…" He needed to find his babies, and if Lucy was just going to turn into a judgmental bitch, then he didn't need to deal with her. He had more important things to do. Tons of more important things. He tried to leave, and whirled around with anger flaring in him when he felt her smaller hand on his arm. "Let go, Cosplayer."

Lucy scowled up at him. "No." She might not have liked that he'd shot up again, and that he hadn't called her like he said he would before getting to this point, but… He did call her eventually. Bickslow needed her help, and she wasn't going to let him down. She couldn't. Especially not after she'd heard that he tried calling Laxus the whole week he was locked up in the hospital, and there was no answer. Bickslow had gotten so upset while telling her that his eyes had flared up again, and Lucy refused to make him feel like he was being abandoned. She'd offered to help him, and she wasn't going back on it. Ever. "I said I'll help you, so that's what I'm gonna do. We'll find them together, then I'm taking you home."

Bickslow raised an eyebrow at her, then chuckled when she fell into step next to him. His hand instantly sought her ass, the perfectly rounded globe that was just begging for a squeeze. Fuck, she felt amazing. The way she punched him in the ribs, not so much, but he could live with that. He gave her a tongue-lolling grin. "So, you  _do_  wanna come home with me. You should've skipped the foreplay, Cosplayer… That's  _my_ job." He leaned down and ran his tongue along the shell of her ear, cackling wildly when she squawked and jumped a few feet in the air.

"Bickslow, stop that!" she shouted. "Where were you at before you called me?"

"Well, I think I was across the canal… Maybe…"

Lucy sighed as they turned to cross the bridge. It was going to be a  _very_ long night.

* * *

_**Endless romantic stories  
You never could control me** _

* * *

Hours had gone by since Lucy met up with Bickslow. He had zilch in the way of an attention span, and she'd been forced to follow him up the sides of buildings, across rooftops, through disgusting alleys, into the seedy part of Magnolia where she normally refused to venture at night. From one side to the other, past the closed guild and around Kardia Cathedral. They checked the train station, and nearly every street in the entire town.

In that time, Lucy found out a few things. The Bickslow she was used to, the one that had been at her home and slept with her on the couch two nights in a row, was nowhere to be found nine times out of ten. Now that she knew he was high as hell, Lucy took notice of the differences between the Bickslow she'd befriended and this one. He was loud, always smiling, and his tongue was hardly ever in his mouth. He laughed constantly, made perverted jokes, and made sure he groped her every chance he got.  _Every_  chance. She'd spent more time trying to keep his hands off of her than she had on anything else.

Every squeeze. Every brush of his hand over her skin, or cloth over cloth. How his tongue snaked out and glided over her neck, cheek, ear, or shoulder. How he would stop for a minute to look around, call out for his babies, then throw an arm over her shoulders with his fingers either brushing lightly over her arm or barely grazing her chest. It was driving her insane. Partly because it was turning her on, but mostly because she kept telling him to stop. And he would, for a little while. Then it would happen again. She at least felt better knowing that he listened to her when she said no. She was trusting him quite a bit, since they were wandering all over the city in the middle of the night, and he could easily take advantage of her.

But, he didn't do that. And she could tell he wouldn't. Bickslow just wasn't the type of person, high or not, to do something horrible like that to a woman.

At one point, he'd pulled her to a stop when they were on top of the toy store she'd fought him at during the Battle of Fairy Tail. She'd thought he was going to just get more handsy with her, and had been ready to call Loke or Virgo out to make the shit stop, but he'd surprised her completely while he pulled her to the base of the spire he'd been standing on top of that day.

#

" _Beautiful, huh?" Bickslow whispered, his hand closed over her smaller one._

" _Bickslow, we need to find your babies…"_

" _We will, but…" He paused and looked at her, removing the visor he'd donned when they found it on a rooftop where it had been dropped. "I just wanted you to see it. Magnolia. Like this."_

" _Why?" she asked._

" _Because I come here sometimes. When I need to think, and it doesn't seem like I can get any peace and quiet. It's my favorite place to be."_

" _You do know this is where we fought each other, right?"_

_Bickslow laughed softly, then lightly squeezed her hand after lacing their fingers together. He pulled her to the ledge and carefully sat down, waiting as Lucy followed suit. "I'm glad I was here… I got to meet this cheerleader. Found out how strong she is, and…" He smiled down at her, kicking his legs back and forth absently. "And that she's absolutely beautiful."_

_Lucy blushed and looked away, out across the glittering lights of the town. "The town really is breathtaking like this," she whispered._

_Bickslow squeezed her hand again, and sighed when she turned to look at him slowly. "Look, I just wanna tell you while I can… Because I'm too much of a pussy to do it if I'm not high…" He shook his head sadly and looked at their joined hands. "I really appreciate what you're trying to do for me, Cosplayer. You're sweet and funny and a ball of rainbows and bubblegum and sunshine. I fucking love seeing that. Being around it. I want that for myself, and sometimes I think that being with you will rub off on me. Then I can be happy and all that. Not alone. Just… Happy. I don't know what it's like anymore… Feeling like that. I haven't for a long time. It's… It's why I do this, why I won't stop… Can't. Can't stop… I wanna, but… Then I won't have a reason to keep going, y'know?"_

_Lucy blinked in surprise when he turned sad, crimson eyes up to her._

" _Problem is," Bickslow continued, "I'm fucked up. Fucked in the head. There's more than just the drugs that's wrong with me, and they help me keep it locked up tight. I'm crazy, Cosplayer. Not in the cute 'Oh, he's just so crazy, tee hee' way. Not at all. More like, 'That dude needs a goddamn straight jacket' crazy. I don't want you to see that. Or anyone. You don't wanna know that part of me… And… If you're around me for more than a couple days and I'm not high… If that somehow happened again… You'd see it. You'd see_ _ **me**_ _. The real me, and not just being shy and shit. It'd scare you off, and then I'd be alone all over again…"_

_Her head tilted to one side when he didn't tear his gaze from hers, even when she saw tears welling in his eyes._

" _Did you know that I cried?" Bickslow whispered. "When I called Laxus, after you left… I bawled like a fucking baby… My babies made me stop after like thirteen calls, and I couldn't take it. I wanted to kill myself, Cosplayer. That's why I took that shit before you found me. I didn't wanna be here without him. And now… Now I know for sure he's ditched me. If it wasn't for you, even just knowing that you wanna help me, I would've gone to my dealer and tried harder to off myself. Might as well enjoy it before I'm dead, right?"_

_He shook his head again, closing his eyes when she reached up to wipe away his tears. Lucy waited until he was looking at her again, then lightly squeezed his hand in return._

" _I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to forget about everything. I wanted to disappear," he said with a grimace. "Being like this… Shooting up… Losing my babies… It's not what I want. I never wanted this. I never wanted to be this way… I wanted to be a good kid, and that got taken away from me. And now I'm just garbage." When her mouth opened to cut him off, he smiled. "I am. You don't have to say anything, I know what I am. I'm broken as hell, and there's no fixing me. Not now. Just… You're really sweet to try, and… I just wanted you to know that I won't blame you when you decide to give up on me."_

_She watched him reach up and wipe his eyes, then he grinned at her. "Bickslow, I…"_

_He laughed then. "No worries, Cosplayer," he said in what she knew was feigned happiness. "Let's go find my babies!" He jumped up and pulled Lucy to her feet, then pulled her up into his arms, cackling when she screamed in terror as he jumped off the side of the building. "We're flying, Cosplayer! We're flying!"_

#

Lucy looked up at the Seith mage as they walked toward the docks by the lake. It was the only place that was left, aside from his apartment. That was the one out of ten times that she caught a glimpse of Bickslow's heart. What he was really like. He'd already told her that he was more confident when he was high, but she hadn't expected him to be so forthcoming, so honest. It was like he'd had this moment of true clarity, where he saw everything exactly how it was and decided to share it with her. There was so much more to him than she'd realized before. More than just timid and shy and a little dorky.

He'd lost the one he depended on, his best friend, and that had driven him to the state she'd found him in, in that alley. It had been eating at her since Bickslow told her about it, and Lucy wanted to find Laxus and just punch his stupid face in for putting the Seith mage through this without anyone else to support him. She'd seen inside of Bickslow, what he obviously kept hidden from the world outside, and it broke her heart to know how horribly he thought of himself. Yes, he'd been rambling a bit, talking a little faster than normal, but there was one thing that showed her he was sincere. It wasn't the tears he'd shed, or the look on his face. It was how gently he'd held her hand, almost as though he wanted to make sure she knew he wasn't going to hurt her. She had been scared out of her mind when he jumped over that ledge and dragged her ass down with him, but once they landed and she was standing on solid ground again - after he'd bounced from one surface to another on the way down to lessen the impact - Bickslow gave her the biggest hug ever to help calm her down again.

" _You're amazing, Cosplayer. You really, really are… I'm glad you're my friend."_

That was it. A few simple words had made her smile up at him. She was his friend, just like he was hers. He needed her help, and Lucy was going to make sure that he got it. She didn't want Bickslow to lose the support he had now. He needed it. There was just no way for him to even believe in the prospect of getting clean if he didn't have someone that believed in him too. "Bickslow," she said softly while they walked along a dirt path. She wasn't sure why they were going this way when there was a more direct route to the docks, but she just had to go with it.

"Yeah, sugartits?" Bickslow chuckled.

She sighed softly. "I believe in you. I just want you to know that I  _do_  believe you can get clean."

His tongue lolled from his mouth. "Sure," he laughed. "Keep telling yourself that."

"I'm serious."

"Yep. Me too!" He grinned down at her and pointed to his face. "This is my serious face, Cosplayer. Don't I look serious?"

"... No."

"Oh…" Bickslow's arm draped over her shoulders. "Alrighty then. Guess I'm not serious. Oh well. Serious is  _boring_. I wanna have fun, Cosplayer." He leaned down and whispered, "Wanna have some fun with me, hot stuff?"

"No," Lucy said firmly. "I want to find your babies."

"Me too. We should do both… Simultaneously." He chuckled again. "Climb me like a tree, and I'll bang you and walk at the same time. It'll be fun."

"No, Bickslow. Just finding your babies."

"Suit yourself," he said with a shrug. "I'm just trying to give your sweet ass some of my babies. But, if you wanna find some babies so bad, I can drop my drawers and give you some in gravy form."

"... Wow, Bickslow," Lucy sighed.

"No?"

"No."

Bickslow chuckled when Lucy stumbled and he stopped her from face-planting. "How about now? I saved your life."

"Bickslow," she sighed heavily. "Please stop that."

He looked down at her for a long moment, then pulled her to a stop. When Lucy crossed her arms over herself and kept her gaze locked on the ground in front of her, he found himself frowning. Slowly, he moved to stand in front of her. "Hey..."

"... What?" she whispered.

"You look upset..." He hadn't expected her to nod, or for Lucy to shrink in on herself slightly. "What's the matter, Cosplayer?"

She shook her head.

"Come on... Talk to Bixy-Bug," he whispered, leaning down and turning his head to the side until he could see her eyes. "Did I make you mad?"

She shook her head again.

"Then what is it? I don't want you lookin' so sad... We're having fun..."

"This isn't fun, Bickslow," Lucy said softly.

"Sure it is. We're hanging out," he said happily. "That's tons of fun."

Lucy grimaced and looked away from him. "I'm not having fun, Bickslow. I don't... I-I don't like you like this..."

"Huh?" he asked. What was that supposed to mean? Everyone liked him this way. He was awesome this way.

"I don't like it. You're... You keep... Well, I..."

"Is it because I keep hitting on you?" he asked curiously. When Lucy nodded, his frown deepened. "But chicks love hearing how sexy they are. And you're sexy."

"Thank you, but... It's too much. I don't like it..."

His mouth opened and closed repeatedly.  _'Too much?'_  he thought. How was letting her know she was beautiful and sexy 'too much'? He liked the little blonde. He liked her a lot. She was one of those people that you'd want to bring home to your parents and show off just how great of a catch you'd landed - not that that was really an option for him. "But, I thought..." His brow pushed together in confusion. Didn't Lucy see how amazing she was? He wanted her to know that he saw that about her.

"You thought what?" Lucy asked, the hurt showing in her voice. The longer it went on, the more she started to dislike it. Yes, it was nice to hear that he thought she was attractive, but that's all he said. That was all anyone said about her. "You thought I was just some hot piece of ass, and the longer you hit on me, the more likely I'd be to jump into bed with you? I'm not like that... And..."

"What?" Bickslow asked incredulously. "No! That's not it! I just... I thought you'd wanna know that I think you're pretty. Well, sexy as hell, really."

Lucy nodded. "Yep, thanks. But I'm not sleeping with you..."

He drew back at that. "I was just joking around. Well, if you wanted to sleep with me then awesome, I'm all for it. Because seriously, this shit you're working with is a damn crime. But, you don't  _have_  to..."

"That's not something to joke about," she said softly.

"How come? I joke around about that all the time! No one's ever complained before."

"Because you're making me feel like I'm just some piece of meat!" Lucy shouted. "So what if I've got huge tits? So fucking  _what_  if my measurements are in some stupid Sir Mixalot song? Is that all anyone ever fucking sees? I've got more to me than how I look! And I know it probably sounds pretty damn hypocritical with how I'm dressed right now, and how I normally dress, but that shouldn't matter! I'm tired, I'm getting really fucking cold because it's the middle of November and I don't have a coat. We've been walking for  _hours_  looking for your babies, and you're hardly even helping aside from remembering a place here and there! And all you keep doing is grabbing me, or talking about my body, and it's not-"

Lucy's eyes went wide when a pair of warm lips covered her own, and Bickslow's fingers gently laced with hers. She drew back quickly, and her mouth opened to rip into him. Then she froze.

"I'm sorry, Lucy," Bickslow whispered. "I know that probably wasn't the right way to get you to stop talking, but... It's the only thing I could think of."

"It wasn't," she huffed.

"But I'm sorry." He sighed and looked at where their hands were joined, then slowly pulled away from her. "I don't want you to hate me, and I'll try not to talk about that... And... I'm sorry that I ruined your night. And that this isn't fun for you. I like spending time with you. You're fun to be around. It's not just how you look though. I kinda got stuck on that part, but... I know there's more about you than just that. You..."

Lucy frowned when Bickslow's eyes went wide. "Bickslow?"

_"Bickslow... Where are you? Where'd you go?"_

_"Bickslow! You left us!"_

_"Come back! This guy is scary!"_

"B-Babies?" Bickslow whispered.

_"Come back! We're scared... Bickslow..."_

"I... I hear them!" he said worriedly. "Fuck, they're scared... Cosplayer, we're getting close... Shit, they're so fucking scared!"

Lucy's brow pushed together when he started trembling slightly. She watched him for only a moment before grabbing his hand and rushing off on the path they'd been heading down. Down to the docks. She didn't even mind that Bickslow lifted her onto his back and started running faster. Her heels were slowing her down, slowing both of them down. "We'll find them," she whispered softly, ignoring the way his hands were gripping her upper thighs to keep her on his back. This wasn't about her, or how grabby he'd been. This was about those little souls. They needed help. She wasn't sure exactly what would make them scared, but she had a feeling it was something she wouldn't like.

* * *

 **Well I never really thought that you'd come tonight**  
While the crown hangs heavy on either side  
Give me one last kiss while we're far too young to die.

* * *

Bickslow rounded a small bend in the dirt path, and finally saw a small section of the docks that was never used. One that everyone had pretty much forgotten about. Except for deviants, like himself. It was the perfect place to get high, no matter what you were doing. Shooting, snorting, smoking, banging a junkie and popping pills. Tripping balls, pinging, rolling, squanching... Whatever your drug of choice was, this was one of the places in town you could get away with not being found.

It was where he'd gone to shoot up earlier that night. And he'd found some other tweaker there, some asshole that had tried to sell him some weed, just because. Bickslow already knew that he wasn't going to take that fucking mess. It defeated the purpose of getting high in the first place for him. He'd sat himself down on the dock while the guy just laid around a pile of sticks, smoking his damn joint and talking way too much. Once he'd finished, and was pulling his belt off from around his arm, the guy had all but jumped on his ass for his needle. Bickslow didn't care. He knew he was clean, and he wasn't going to be using that needle again anyway. He never did. Besides, if that guy was so willing to risk his own shit and not spend a little extra money down at a damn pharmacy to pick up his own needles, then fine.

But now… Now that same fucker was sitting around the pile of sticks that he'd turned into a little bonfire. And Bickslow's babies were on the ground. In a pile next to him.

"Where's Bickslow?" Pepe asked the man once its little wooden body was lifted from the ground. His sweaty, gaunt face with sunken brown eyes looked back at it in wonder. Thin fingers clutched the totem tightly while he licked his chapped lips. "Where did he go?"

"That's so fucking cool," the man whispered in awe. "Dude, I'm gonna smoke and shoot up more often. It's like… I can hear you talking…"

Bickslow lowered Lucy to the ground and grabbed her hand while they started making their way closer to his babies. He'd cut off the magic supply to his babies just enough earlier when they had tried to stop him from getting his fix. They could still talk, but they weren't able to move around at all. And he'd forgotten to start it back up when he wandered off.  _"Babies, are you okay?"_

" _Bickslow!"_  they chirped happily.

" _Make him put me down,"_ Pepe whispered.  _"He's creepy…"_

"Hey man," Bickslow called out.

The man looked up and laughed. "Dude! You've gotta hear this! It's like this thing is talking!" He paused and shook Pepe, then frowned when there was no voice coming from the little totem. "Here, lemme try another one."

Pepe screamed in terror when it was thrown into the fire. Memories of the life it had, and its death, flashed sporadically. The fire, phantom pain because it couldn't feel pain any longer. Choking on smoke and ash. Searching for the door to his home after making sure his wife and daughter made it out alive. Collapsing under the weight of the roof as it pinned him to the floor. "Bickslow! Help me!"

"Oh my god!" Lucy screeched. She pulled away from Bickslow and rushed forward to the dock. She needed to find something to put the fire out. Anything. A long forgotten bucket, or any bucket for that matter... But there wasn't anything there. She looked around quickly and spotted a blanket on the ground, then made a mad dash for it.

"Fuck, Pepe!" Bickslow yelled. He grabbed a rock that was on the ground and ran forward just as Lucy threw a blanket over the fire and started stomping it out. "It's okay, Pepe… It's okay…" The little soul was transferred to the rock in his hand, and Bickslow knelt on the ground, holding it closely to his chest. "It's okay."

"What the fuck, lady!" the man shouted angrily. "That was my fucking fire!"

Lucy scowled at him and threw the still-smoking blanket at his face, then pushed Pepe's totem out of the ashes with her shoe. It was a little scorched, but she was sure Bickslow would know what to do.

"Hey!" he yelled. "I'm fucking talking to you, skank!"

"Pepe," Bickslow whispered softly. "You're okay now. Don't be sad, alright? I'm here."

"Bickslow… where were you?" Pepe asked, its voice terrified and the little rock it was using as a body trembling.

"I don't know, Pepe," Bickslow answered, "But I'm here now, alright?"

"Don't leave us again…"

"I won't, Pepe… I promise."

Lucy's eyes widened when the guy that threw Pepe into the fire jumped to his feet and lunged at her. "Go away, asshole!" she shouted. He clearly wasn't going to listen to her, and made it even more obvious when he made another grab for her. Of course, Lucy didn't have her keys with her though, now that she thought about it. She'd left them at home, because there hadn't been any reason to take them with her. Or so she'd thought. She was going to be with Erza, of all people, so why would Lucy need her spirits with her?

She turned to run away, and the universe decided to shit all over her when her ankle twisted at an unnatural angle and she crumpled to the ground with a strangled yelp of pain. Searing heat swelled up her leg for only a moment before he was on her. Fists came crashing down toward her face, ribs, and arms, and Lucy used her uninjured foot to try and kick him away from her. Somehow, she managed to connect, although she wasn't sure with what, and rolled onto her hands and knees to get away from the psycho. Just a little further, and she would be with Bickslow again. She chanced a glance over to see him still consoling the little soul that had been thrown into the fire, and screamed in terror when her assailant fell on top of her. "Bickslow! Help!"

Bickslow frowned and looked up, searching for the source of the voice.

"Cosplayer!" the totems shouted. "Get away from her!"

Lucy was flipped over onto her back, instantly going on the defensive as a hand wrapped around her throat. "Leave me… Alone…"

"Hell no, bitch. You're gonna apologize for my fucking fire."

It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but Lucy couldn't help it. She spit in his face. The grip on her throat tightened until black spots started filling her vision and the pressure in her head mounted. "B-Bicks…low…"

Bickslow sneered when he saw the man pushing Lucy's legs open, how her hands were slowing down while they tried to claw at his face. "Hey! Get the hell off of her!"

He was ignored.

Bickslow scrambled to his feet just as the bastard was reaching for his pants, and ripped him off of the blonde. He could barely hear Lucy coughing as he stood protectively in front of her, and instead used it as motivation to make this asshole pay. He'd hurt Pepe, scared his babies, and tried to hurt Lucy. The one person he had that gave a shit what happened to him.

* * *

_**Fixation or psychosis?** _

* * *

He grabbed the guy by his throat and held him in the air, feeling his anger swelling and thrashing wildly inside of him. Bickslow was the one that had dragged Lucy out here, and he would be damned if she got hurt because she was trying to help him find his babies.

Lucy slowly pushed herself up, rubbing at her throat and blinking to clear her vision. It took only a moment for her to find Bickslow, who was standing right next to her, but what she saw made her blood run cold. The junkie that had attacked her was dangling in the air with Bickslow's hand wrapped around his throat, his eyes bulging and his feet kicking helplessly to free himself from the Seith mage's grasp. "Bickslow, don't hurt him!" Lucy yelled. Yes, that guy was trying to hurt her, but Lucy just wanted to get out of there now that they had Bickslow's babies with them.

She watched in horror as Bickslow's uncovered eyes flared to life, a brilliant green glow shining from them and across the clearing. The man stopped moving and hung limply in Bickslow's grasp, then took a punch to the face with the hand that was still holding Pepe in a rock, then another and another. "Bickslow, stop!" she shrieked when she saw blood splattering on the ground.

Bickslow sneered as he let his anger consume him. What that bastard had been trying to do to Lucy was unforgivable. She didn't deserve to get hurt, and now the fucker was going to pay. If he was going to act like he didn't have a soul, then Bickslow would just help him out with it. He didn't try to fight against the swelling magic within him, and instead felt an even bigger rush than when there was a needle in his arm.

A terrifying scream filled with agony ripped through the air, and Lucy could only watch as the man in Bickslow's grasp arched back as his shirt was burned open. A fist-sized orb flew out of his chest and hovered in the air, and she screamed, "Bickslow! Don't!" She didn't know what was happening, but she could only assume that that was the guy's soul. How she could see it was beyond her, and she could only guess that it was because Bickslow's magic was involved.

"No one hurts my Cosplayer, asshole," Bickslow nearly growled. His magic flared out of control, his eyes brightening until the clearing and surrounding forest was filled with green light and the soul he held under his control exploded. He hadn't meant to do it, to make the bastard's soul explode like that, but there wasn't anything he could do about it now. It didn't matter what happened to that guy now that he was dead, so Bickslow dropped his lifeless body to the ground and spat on him.

"You…" Lucy shook her head and crawled forward slowly, throwing a hand over her mouth when she realized the junkie wasn't breathing. "Y-You killed him… Oh my god… You…" She felt tears welling in her eyes, her breath stalling in her lungs as panic began to set in. Fairies don't kill. That was the biggest rule in their guild. No matter what, unless there's absolutely no saving someone - enemy or not - they didn't take lives. Lives were precious, and Bickslow… Someone who dealt with souls… He should have known just how precious a life was.

But he'd snuffed someone's light out. Ripped out the man's soul and crushed it with his magic. Lucy shivered as the first sob crawled up her sore throat, and she clamped her hand tightly over her mouth when she felt bile rising along with it. No matter what she did, she was drawn back to those dull eyes, staring lifelessly out into the world. Into nothing.

Bickslow sneered and wiped his hand on his pants, then turned to look at Lucy and make sure she was okay. The tears streaming down her face had him drawing back in surprise, and then quickly kneeling on the ground next to her. She was just staring at the body, her eyes wide and filled with fear. He carefully set Pepe in his lap, then reached out to brush her tangled hair away from her face gently.

"D-Don't touch me!" Lucy screeched, scrambling backwards through the dirt. She put a little extra forced behind her legs, then cried out when her injured ankle made its presence known again. "D-Don't… You… Y-You…"

Bickslow's brow furrowed and he crawled after her, sending Pepe floating back to sit with the rest of his babies. "Cosplayer," he said worriedly. "Hey, it's alright. He's gone now. He can't hurt you."

"B-But…" Lucy cried. She watched as Bickslow came closer and closer, and found that she couldn't move. His eyes were still glowing a little bit, but after having experienced what the beginning of being possessed by his Figure Eyes was like, she knew for a fact that he wasn't using his magic on her. No, she was just terrified.

Once Bickslow was next to Lucy again, and he could see her visibly shaking, he frowned and wrapped his arms around her. She was tense, sobbing, trembling, and he thought she was going to push him away again. But he didn't want her to. "I got rid of him, Lucy," he whispered tenderly. "He won't come after you."

Lucy didn't know what to do with herself anymore. Of course she had been terrified when she realized just what that junkie was going to do to her, and she'd been pretty much helpless to stop him when her vision started darkening. But, Bickslow had handled it. He'd saved her. He'd gone about it the wrong way though...

Bickslow tenderly kissed her hair, smelling the fresh dirt that was caught up in the blonde strands. "You're safe now," he said. "I won't let anyone hurt you." After several long moments, he felt her relaxing in his arms, then two small hands gripping his pinstriped top. Another soft kiss to her head, a small reassuring squeeze. "There you go," he said with a smile. "Bixy-Bug's gotcha. You're safe."

 _'Fairies don't kill.'_  It kept rolling around in her head, again and again. But, weren't there extenuating circumstances? What if you killed someone while protecting another. What if it was an accident? Bickslow had  _saved_  her. He'd been the one that came to her rescue and kept her from being violated. He'd been there when she needed him, and that was what Lucy found herself focusing on. "B-Bix…"

"I know," he whispered. "It's okay."

A sudden thought occurred to her, and Lucy froze and whimpered. Bickslow had murdered someone. It was in self-defense - well, in defense of her - but it was still murder. "You… Y-You could go to jail!" she said shakily. "Oh god… S-Someone could find out, and… A-And… Bix… Oh god… The R-Rune Knights… The guild… E-Everyone would f-find… Oh god..."

Bickslow blinked when Lucy ripped herself away from his grasp and started crawling through the dirt back to the corpse on the ground. "Cosplayer, what're you doing?"

* * *

_**Devoted to neurosis now** _

* * *

"N-No one can know," Lucy whispered urgently. She refused to let him go to jail for protecting her. Nobody knew they were out there, down at a secluded section of the docks, but there was no telling just what conclusions could be drawn that might lead back to herself and Bickslow being present. She lifted a hand and wiped at her teary eyes, sniffling softly as she started searching for something that would be useful. She was lost, completely flustered, and her hands were shaking so badly that she nearly toppled over just from trying to hold herself up.

"Bickslow," Papa said sternly. "This needs to get covered up. Now."

Bickslow worried his lower lip, then nodded and jumped to his feet. He reached down and carelessly lifted the junkie's body into the air, then made his way to the end of the dock. And dropped the body off the edge. There was enough shit in his system that it would stand to reason he was just high as hell and fell in the water.

Lucy's eyes somehow widened further when she found a needle glinting in the moonlight. It needed to disappear, but she just didn't know what to do with it. Instead, she made her way slowly over to the doused fire and buried it in the still warm embers. Enough time spent with Natsu made it so she didn't even feel that same stinging when they touched her hands, and Lucy grabbed the blanket that she'd thrown at the junkie and tossed it on the pit.

Her tears just wouldn't stop though. She kept reminding herself that it was okay. What they were doing was necessary, because Bickslow had killed that man trying to protect her. The Rune Knights wouldn't understand. They'd see two Fairy Tail mages and think the worst, and then they'd  _both_  be locked up. She frantically swiped her hands back and forth over the dirt, trying to get rid of any evidence that they'd been there - specifically the markings that her heels had left in the dirt.

Bickslow sighed and walked back over to his babies, then started putting each of them in his pockets. The little souls had a long night, and he didn't want to make them fly if they didn't really need to. Once he got to Pepe, still in the bloodied rock, he gave the little soul a sad smile. "Let's get you home, huh Pepe? I'll make you a new tiki." Pepe was transferred back into the charred totem, then carefully placed in Bickslow's pocket before the Seith mage started to make his way back through the woods.

"Wait," the totems said quickly. "What about Cosplayer?"

Bickslow blinked in surprise and turned around to see Lucy's arms wrapped tightly around herself while she sobbed in the dirt. How could he forget that she was there? Why wasn't she getting up to follow him? "C'mon, Cosplayer," he called out. "Time to go."

Lucy shrunk in on herself even further. She was so damn confused. Bickslow saved her, she knew that. But all of this still felt wrong. It shouldn't though. They'd done what they needed to do, and there was no way to turn back now. She knew that. She just… She was scared as hell. She was cold and frightened and her ankle was really starting to throb, with the straps on her shoe that crossed over it digging into her flesh painfully.

Her foot. That was something she could handle. Not what had happened, or where her night ended up, but the fact that she needed to get her shoe off so it wasn't squeezing her rapidly swelling foot and ankle and cutting off the circulation. "M-My shoe," Lucy whispered to herself, sniffling loudly. She brought quaking, dirt-covered hands down to the small silver buckle, and whimpered when just one small touch had her ready to tap out. But she couldn't. She needed to focus on this, because if she couldn't handle something as simple as removing her shoe, then there was no way she'd make it through the night.

Bickslow watched curiously as Lucy shook her hands out, then started fiddling with her shoe again. "What're you doing? We've gotta go."

"I-I… My foot…" Lucy bit her lips, sniffling again and fighting to loosen the buckle. She couldn't though. She just couldn't get her hands to cooperate. Every time she got a hold of the strap that was threaded through it, her fingers would slip. Or she couldn't even get a firm grasp on it to begin with. Maybe she was just too cold now. She hadn't been able to feel her toes for at least an hour, and her fingers felt like ice. Goosebumps were running all along her skin, and deep, bone-chilling shivers wracked her small frame. Lucy jumped in surprise when a pair of warm hands closed over hers, and looked up quickly to find Bickslow kneeling at her side.

His brow furrowed when he felt just how badly she was shaking. He'd simply thought that she was scared before, and that how heavily she'd been crying was the cause for her trembling. But now… He felt her fingers, how cold they were. "You're freezing," he whispered worriedly. She nodded, never taking her eyes from his, and Bickslow cursed under his breath while pulling his pinstriped, long sleeve shirt over his head, revealing a black t-shirt underneath.

She just kept staring at him, right into those deep red eyes, when Bickslow put his shirt over her head, then felt him pulling her hands through the sleeves. They were way too long, and went well past her fingers, but Lucy didn't care. She just couldn't care about anything at the moment. She was tired and chilled to the bone, and her foot was throbbing more and more insistently.

Bickslow looked down at Lucy's foot, and found his frown deepening when he saw the straps on her shoe were digging into her skin, how swollen it was. "Shit," he muttered under his breath, reaching down and quickly unbuckling the little black heel, then the other. He pulled both of her shoes off and set them to the side, then gently prodded her purple ankle. His hand drew back quickly when Lucy whimpered behind tightly clamped lips, and he looked up at her again. The makeup he'd been admiring earlier, what had made her so much more alluring when he'd caught sight of her, was ruined. Her tears had forced thick streaks of black mascara and eyeliner to trail down her cheeks, cutting through that light pink dusting of blush. She looked scared shitless, like she was about to scream but couldn't decide if it was from terror or pain... She was a mess, and that wasn't even taking into account the dirt that was covering her hands, knees, feet, and even parts of her neck and face. "I'll take care of you, Cosplayer," he said gently. "Don't worry, okay?"

She didn't respond with anything more than a small nod. Bickslow wrapped his arms around her, and she took a shaky breath when he slowly stood up, then set her on her uninjured foot. "Wh-What…"

Bickslow gave Lucy a small smile, then reached down with one hand - using the other to keep her steady while she leaned into his chest - and carefully pulled the hem of his shirt down past her hips and even her little black dress. "Gotta make sure you're covered," he chuckled. "Let's get you warmed up and in a bed."

Lucy didn't have time to respond before Bickslow bent down and hooked one arm behind her knees while the other gently cradled her back, then felt him lifting her up from the cold ground. She just couldn't stop crying, and it was only making her more and more tired. She tucked herself into Bickslow's chest, taking a shuddering breath when he pulled her just a little bit closer, and looked around the clearing one last time before he walked back into the woods.

And that was when she saw it. The sunrise.

A new day had dawned as those first rays of sunlight peeked over the horizon. In more ways than one. There was, of course, the day itself. Then, there was just what had transpired the night before, and the sudden well of darkness that Lucy felt trying to consume her over it. She was different somehow; she could feel it. And while she wanted Bickslow to be the one to blame for all of it, she knew… She knew that he wasn't. "The sun's coming up," Lucy whispered numbly after several long minutes of silence.

"Huh," Bickslow grunted as he looked up through the trees and saw the light fog rolling through the foliage that always accompanied the rising sun. "So it is."

Lucy sighed and closed her eyes. "I don't think this would make it into a Hallmark card though…" Because, honestly... Murder and sunrises were probably some of the least romantic shit ever… Unless you were Bonnie and Clyde.

Bickslow looked down at the blonde, taking in just how dirty her face was all over again. The drying tracks of tears on her cheeks that cut through the grime, and how a good portion of the clear lines were replaced with her running makeup. Her eyes were slowly closing as sleep threatened to take hold of her, and he let out a soft chuckle before kissing her damp hair. "Probably not," he whispered.

* * *

_**Endless romantic stories  
You never could control me** _

* * *

Bickslow pulled the key from the lock and slowly opened the door to his apartment, then made his way inside with the dazed blonde in his arms. Lucy had been silent for the rest of the walk from the docks, and he decided that it would be better to just get her somewhere that she could get a shower, a change of clothes, and some sleep. She needed to warm up, and she needed some ice on her foot. He could have hopped on his babies and flown to her apartment, but his was closer. He closed and locked the door as an afterthought, then dropped her heels by the door and walked across the bare wooden floor over to the bathroom.

Lucy blinked slowly while she looked around the apartment they'd gone into. There really wasn't much to the place. Just a bare bones studio apartment. Not a lick of furniture, aside from a single mattress on the floor. There weren't even sheets on the thing. Just a bunched up deep purple comforter and a pillow with no case. The walls were empty, just plain beige with no decorations or pictures. The floor was a deep mahogany wood, but there wasn't even a rug to help cut back on the chill in the air. None of the lights were on, and there was just enough light peeking in from the single window for her to really see anything.  _'Is that… A sheet over the window?'_  She couldn't see the kitchen, but the only other thing Lucy noticed were six cardboard boxes, all stacked on top of one another. That was it. There was nothing else there. Nothing at all.

"I know it's not much," Bickslow said, "But you need to get warm."

Lucy furrowed her brow and looked up at him. "Where are we?"

"My place. My babies will help you get cleaned up, alright?" he whispered. "I'll grab you something to wear and get you an ice pack."

Lucy nodded slowly and turned to look at the bathroom while Bickslow carried her into it. It was clean, just like everything else she'd seen, but there were only the necessities. Shampoo, conditioner, and a bar of soap in the shower. A small clear container stuck to the shower wall with bath toys in it. A pack of disposable razors on the counter by the small sink. A caddy with four toothbrushes - two green and two red - and a tube of toothpaste. She sighed when he carefully set her down on top of the closed toilet, then watched absently while he turned on the water for the bathtub instead of the shower. She always preferred a bath to a shower, and it would definitely help to warm her up a whole lot faster. Granted, she'd need to find a way to rinse her body off to get the worst of the grime to go away, but she'd manage. Somehow.

"Mmkay," Bickslow said once the tub was filled. He pulled the five totems from his pockets and settled them down on the counter, then transferred each of the little souls into something to be used for the bath, leaving Papa in his wooden body to help Lucy with anything she needed. "I'll leave the clothes by the door for you, Cosplayer. Babies, lemme know when you guys are all done in here."

"Okay, Bickslow," the totems giggled.  _"So smooth… She's gonna fall head over heels for you if you keep this up."_

Bickslow walked out of the bathroom and smirked.  _"Sure, babies. I highly doubt that."_

" _She's in the tub, by the way,"_ Popo said silently.  _"Thought you'd wanna know her boobs are even better_ _ **under**_ _the bra… I'm so glad you put me in the soap."_

" _I'm the best washcloth ever!"_ Pepe laughed.  _"Me and Popo are making Cosplayer smile."_

" _Us too,"_ Pipi and Pupu said happily, swimming slowly across the surface of the bath water in the little rubber duck bodies Bickslow had put them in.  _"She likes it when I quack like a duck."_

" _And when I squirt Pipi's little duck body!"_ Pupu added.

Bickslow shook his head and walked over to the thermostat. It hadn't been on for a while, and he still couldn't remember if he'd actually paid his electric bill. If he was going to get some ice for Lucy's ankle, then he'd need to find out pretty quickly. With his fingers crossed, Bickslow flicked the switch for the thermostat, and grinned when he heard it kick on, then felt a soft breeze of fresh air blowing down on him.  _'Hotter… Hotter… Eighty degrees should be good…'_

If his air conditioner worked, then maybe that meant there was actually some ice in his freezer. It wasn't like he spent much time at his apartment in the first place, so he never really knew what he had. He walked around the small breakfast bar and into the kitchen, then opened the refrigerator out of curiosity. There was a jar of pickles and five month old orange juice… That he was pretty sure had moved with him from the last apartment he'd lived in.

Still, he wondered if it was any good. He pulled the jug out and twisted the cap, raising an eyebrow when it made a soft hissing sound. It sounded like there were a dozen cobras inside, just waiting to come out and poison his ass. A quick whiff once the cap was fully removed had Bickslow gagging and tears in his eyes. He considered tasting the shit for all of one second before he realized that was a really fucking stupid idea. He put the cap back and all but threw the thing back in the refrigerator. "Shit like this is why I've only got fucking pickles," he grumbled, slamming the door shut and opening the freezer. "Those fuckers  _never_  go bad."

He hardly glanced at the empty freezer, then checked the single ice cube tray from the door and sighed in relief when he saw that it was full. Now he just needed a damn bag to put it in, and a washcloth to wrap around it. He had that shit, right? He checked one drawer after another, then the cupboards, and quite literally jumped for fucking joy when he found a half-empty box of ziploc bags and some folded up washcloths in the cupboard right next to the refrigerator.

" _She needs a towel,"_  the totems silently told Bickslow as they helped her stand up from the draining bath to rinse herself in the now-running shower.

Bickslow blinked in surprise and tossed the ice-filled bag and washcloth on the bed, then made his way over to the cardboard boxes that were stacked along one wall. It took a minute, but he was able to find a towel for the blonde, then rummaged through the box for another minute to grab one of his thermal shirts and a pair of boxers for her.

Lucy watched from the shower as the door was cracked open, then all four of the little souls settled themselves back where they belonged, two in the little clear container for the bath toys, the soap back in the dish, and the washcloth hanging up on a drying rack. She rinsed her hair out one more time, and carefully turned to shut the water off. Not a moment later, a large, fluffy grey towel floated in past the shower curtain and started patting her dry while Papa and the rest flew in in their little wooden tiki bodies. She just couldn't help but smile at the little souls that were helping to keep her upright. They'd been so careful and doting while she was taking a bath, and the precious little perverts had been overjoyed to be able to act as her soap and washcloth.

Once she was dry, Lucy found the clothes Bickslow had left had been brought into the bathroom, and she shook her head. It was so considerate of him to do this for her, and she was definitely glad that he'd foregone taking her home. Her team had a  _horrible_  habit of coming in at the worst times, and she just knew that they would want to know why she was hurt when she was supposed to be out having a fun girl's night.

Once she was dressed, the bathroom door opened again and Bickslow silently walked in to pick her up and take her to the bed. It was strange, to say the least. Being in this bare apartment, with Bickslow and his babies, bathing with the little souls, wearing Bickslow's clothes - which were thankfully extremely comfortable - and then laying down on his bed. She watched curiously as he moved one box and started picking through another, then pulled out a small lime green throw pillow.

Bickslow sat himself down on the bed next to her and carefully ran his fingers over Lucy's swollen ankle. "Still hurting?" he asked softly.

Lucy nodded. "A little. I probably just sprained it."

Bickslow sighed and carefully lifted her leg, placing the little pillow under her ankle. "We'll ice it for a bit," he said. "I don't think I have anything to wrap it up, but I'll look in a little while."

Lucy shivered and bit her lips when the ice pack was settled on her swollen appendage, then smiled when the five little totems settled themselves down on the bed next to her. "Thanks, by the way."

Bickslow chuckled. "For what?" he asked, leaning over and grabbing the bunched up comforter and draping it across the blonde.

"For taking care of me," Lucy said softly. "And… And for saving me."

He shrugged. "You took care of me when I needed it, so…" He smiled down at her as he stood up. "That's what friends do, right Cosplayer?"

Lucy nodded. It still made her absolutely giddy that Bickslow considered her his friend. She hadn't thought it would be as easy as it had been. He seemed so distant and closed off, at least on a personal level, so she'd assumed that it would have taken a lot longer to get to this point. Not once had he mentioned Freed or Evergreen being his friends. Laxus, definitely. But not his other teammates.

"I'm gonna go get a quick shower. You should try to get some rest, okay?"

She nodded again, then watched as he pulled more clothing from a box before walking to the bathroom. It was weird. Why would he not have furniture aside from a bed? Was this really how he lived, or was it maybe that he'd just moved in? Or he was getting ready to move out, and that's why all of his stuff was packed up in boxes. But still… It didn't seem like there had been any furniture or decorations in the apartment at any point. So, maybe he'd just moved in. That would make sense. A whole lot more than him actually living this way.

* * *

_**Well I never really thought that you'd come tonight  
While the crown hangs heavy on either side** _

* * *

Bickslow was visibly trembling by the time he closed the door to the bathroom. He shook his hands out quickly, then ran them over his face. This shit just wasn't working. He was starting to lose the high. It hadn't been nearly long enough. Not at all. He dropped his pile of fresh clothes to the floor and turned on the water for the shower, then leaned back against the wall and clamped his eyes shut.

How long had it been? He couldn't remember when he'd gotten his fix the day before. Maybe before lunch at the guild. Or was it around nightfall? Maybe eight in the morning… He needed it now though. No matter how long he'd gone since the last one, he fucking needed it. It was eating at him, the realization that he was on the verge of crashing. He just couldn't though.

Bickslow couldn't let himself crash. He'd only been up for two days. That was nothing in comparison to the shit he'd done before. And if he came down, not only would he be miserable and just want to kill himself right then and there… He wouldn't be able to sleep. He'd be stuck lying in one spot, not willing to move an inch, spiralling down and down and down… And he wouldn't sleep. No matter how much he wanted it, it just wouldn't happen. Bickslow already knew that.

He couldn't take this shit. If it wasn't seeing realistic fucking demons while he was hallucinating from sleep deprivation, then he was stuck with his own demons. His own past. Where he'd been before and what had happened to him. How he'd gotten so fucking messed up in the first place.

People he'd hurt in the past. Countless faces of the ones he'd used again and again just to get what he needed, then threw them by the wayside once he had it. Drugs, sex, money. All of it. He'd fucked up so many times. Burned so many bridges.

Those people… They'd been hurt in one way or another because of him. It was always his fault. He knew that, he really did. That particular lesson had been drilled into his head from the beginning. He was the one to blame for others' pain. He was the reason things always went wrong. If shit was going right for him, all he had to do was give it a minute, and the shitstorm would come back tenfold. And every time, he was at the center of it, at its very core.

He'd gotten Lucy hurt… That was proof enough of the fact that he was hopeless. That he couldn't handle one simple thing like not letting anything happen to her while she was trying to help him. He was the reason she was out there in the woods, at the docks, getting choked by that junkie. If she hadn't been out with him, and had been at the club his call had pulled her from, then Lucy wouldn't have twisted her ankle. She wouldn't have needed to clean off dirt and sweat and grime in his shower. She would be at home in her own bed, nice and comfortable, not in his that didn't even have a fucking sheet on it.

" _You forgot a towel, Bickslow,"_  his totems whispered.

"Shit." He sighed and opened the door, not even looking over at the bed to see if Lucy was trying to sleep. Instead, he focused on the box he'd pulled his clothes from.  _'I think there was another towel in here…'_ After a fruitless attempt at finding one, Bickslow went to another. Towel in hand, and mission complete, he stood to go back to the bathroom. And that was when he saw it.

It was just the barest glimpse, caught in his peripherals, but he saw it. Lucy's soul. When he was high as hell, he couldn't help the fact that the innate part of his magic remained active instead of being an extra ability that he could use on a whim. Every person he saw, he'd see their soul. Hers… Well, he was glad when he realized that Lucy's eyes were closed, because he found himself staring at it in wonder. Brilliant, blinding white. Wisps of gold that threaded through and wound around it. Deep, oceanic blue as its core. It was complex, intricate, ever-changing. Morphing into something that he could see was just as beautiful, just as breathtaking.

But… A jagged, black line cut across the center. From one side to the other. He could practically see it pouring thick, vile poison into her soul. It was new, the edges still too sharp as though the wound wasn't done being formed. New… Something had hurt her. More than he'd realized before. Something that had damaged her soul, that had dulled it and caused that vicious tear. He frowned and made his way back into the bathroom, nearly stumbling in his step when he realized just what he'd done to her.

The door closed behind him again, then he locked it as quickly as possible. That urge he'd been feeling before hadn't diminished while he looked at Lucy where she was lying in his bed. No, it had only gotten worse. Stronger. Because he'd done something to her. Him, not anyone else. Even if Bickslow wanted to deny his involvement or responsibility in her physical injuries and aggravation from that night… He couldn't deny this one.

Lucy was innocent, pure, kind, gentle, sweet… Compassionate. Caring. She was… An angel. Her soul had him hearing those winged seraphim singing praises to their sister, just with a simple look. But that wound… He'd done that by making her help him. By her assistance in covering up the murder. He'd been protecting her, trying to ensure that nothing bad happened to the woman that was trying so hard to be there for him, but it was still murder.

He'd killed a man. That wasn't something new. Bickslow had done plenty of horrible things because of his habit - whether it was to get more, to come down, to get money, protecting someone else, or out of boredom - but this one… He'd never involved someone else in something like this before. Lucy had covered it up, whispering that she didn't want him to get arrested. She'd been so detached on the walk home. Numb, almost. With tears that had seemed to have no end, the blonde had curled up in his arms.

But he hurt her. If he'd just called her sooner, maybe chosen to call her instead of getting high again… This wouldn't have happened. Everything he touched turned to shit, then smeared itself on someone's shoe so it could get dragged all over the place and scraped along the edge of a sidewalk. That was all Bickslow had needed to do. Just call the blonde and ask her for help. He'd thought about it. He'd even picked up his lacrima and just stared at it, caught between the needle in one hand and the woman that was just a call away. But, he'd made the wrong choice. He chose the needle again, and the wonderful high that came with it. He was the one that fucked up, and Lucy was trying to pick up the pieces.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't hurt her like that again. But… How was he supposed to stop? The guilt that consumed him just from that horrendous rip in her pristine soul… It was making his hands shake. His whole body trembled. He needed to stop himself, but he couldn't. He never would, and Lucy was only going to hurt herself more in the process. And that, in and of itself, was what drove him onward. He couldn't keep thinking about it. Bickslow needed to forget, just for a little while longer, because he couldn't handle it right then. Maybe later on, when he was high as a fucking kite and found it easier to deal with the way he'd fucked his life up… Maybe he could deal with it then.

Which meant that he needed to get back to that point. He could do that. He knew Lucy hadn't been able to look through his bathroom, considering she wasn't able to stand all that well. It meant that she couldn't look in the medicine cabinet. She couldn't find the little pill bottle that said it was aspirin. The one that was filled with his crystals. Those little perfect, beautiful crystalline bits of euphoria. The only way he could feel anything aside from his guilt and sadness. Aside from the pain he was always in. Bickslow wished it was physical pain. That could be counteracted with different drugs, safer drugs. Tylenol, aspirin - even though he was allergic - or any number of others. But no… He wasn't lucky enough to have something like that. His was all in his head. In his heart. Rooted deep within his soul. It was something that would never leave him, and the only way to remove it, at least as far as he was concerned, was to shoot up.

It was all there for him in the medicine cabinet. His 'medicine' of sorts. The little vial, the drugs, his fresh pack of needles with medical grade filters. Everything he needed except for a tourniquet. Luckily, he always wore a belt for this exact reason.

Bickslow licked his lips and grabbed everything he needed, then nearly slammed the cabinet closed and got to work. Turning on the tap, he got a small bit of water into the vial after a couple tries - cursing his trembling hands. He was fucking trying… His body just needed to work with him. The faster this went, the sooner he'd be numb from the pain, flying high and feeling amazing. Well, as amazing as things could get for someone like him.

" _Bickslow… What's going on?"_

" _Nothing babies. I'm just starting to come down… I'll be alright."_ Bickslow dropped two small crystals into the water, then swirled them around to help them dissolve faster.

" _Why can't we move?"_

He took a shaky breath while dropping the filter in.  _"Because I'm gonna be fine in a minute."_

" _We can't talk! Cosplayer can't hear us! Bickslow, stop!"_

Everything was soaked up and filtered, and Bickslow uncapped the needle and pushed it into the cylindrical bit of packed gauze.  _"Because she doesn't need to know…"_  He pulled the plunger back.  _"Just let me do this… I need it…"_  The filter was dropped into the trash, and he set the needle down to pull his clothes off. Might as well make sure he was naked before he started feeling that rush again; otherwise, he might forget to take them off before getting in the shower.

" _You don't! She's right here… Just tell her, and she'll help you! Please, Bickslow… This has to stop…"_

" _You don't get it, babies…"_  He grimaced while looking at himself in the mirror. Sure, he was well-built, and had enough muscle to make women drool for days, but he was scarred. Inside and out. Marks on his chest from his nails raking over his flesh. Track mark scars on his arms. Long scars over his abdomen from the times some asshole brought a knife into a fist fight back when he was still brawling as his only means of making money. But his stomach… Right around his belly button…

He barely remembered getting the tattoo, but he knew it had happened. He knew why he did it. It was supposed to be a reminder for him. Something else to keep him from shooting up. And the way he'd gotten it… How he'd gotten the artist to put exactly what he wanted… Bickslow had all the reminders in the world. The picture in his wallet, his babies, the tattoo, memories of waking up with Lucy and her smiling at him, and… He lifted his hand and looked at the little green pinky nail. He was green… Baby shit green. He wasn't beautiful underneath like the polish. He was  _just_ baby shit green. Just disgusting. Unwanted. Thrown to the side. He didn't deserve any of the time people had spent on him - all two of them, Laxus and Lucy - but he took them for granted. He always took them for granted.

He drove Laxus away, and he'd hurt Lucy's soul. He was the reason she'd cried so much. He was the reason she was hurt. The reason she wasn't home where she should be… He was the reason that she'd technically committed a crime.  _"I hurt her soul, babies… I hurt her…"_

" _She's gonna be fine! She can't help if you don't ask her."_

" _It's hopeless… I'm hopeless. She doesn't need me fucking things up for her more than I already have."_ He pulled the belt from his pants on the floor and wrapped it around his arm, taking another trembling breath. It was happening, whether they liked it or not. Bickslow just needed this. He couldn't function without it. It was hard enough just existing with the things he'd gone through, waking up and not having his fix to get him through the day. He'd done it for two months before, and he'd felt like he was dying every single day. He'd wanted to die back then, but Laxus had kept him going, kept him strong.

* * *

_**Give me one last kiss while we're far too young to die.** _

* * *

His fist clenched repeatedly to get his blood pumping and his vein to pop out. He needed to go lower than last time, and when he finally found the perfect spot, Bickslow drew up the needle and took another deep breath. No matter how badly he was shaking with need, he had to be careful. It was easy as hell to get this shit wrong, and he couldn't do that. The last thing he needed was to stick the needle right through his damn vein. He entered a nearly meditative state as he set the little metal piece against his flesh.

" _Bickslow, don't. Please don't…"_

He pushed the needle in, then pulled the plunger back and grinned when he saw the smallest bit of blood being drawn into it, letting him know that he'd gotten the vein just right.

" _You can stop! We believe in you. Just come get Cosplayer… Let us talk… Or move!"_

Bickslow shook his head with a wince. It was pointless. By the time she made it into the bathroom, after having crawled or hobbled over to the locked door and broken the thing down, he'd already have shot up. It would all be in vain, and then Lucy would know. She'd know that he chose getting high over asking her for help, when she was in the next room no less.

He was selfish. A selfish fucking asshole that didn't deserve someone as sweet and kind as her. And that thought had him pushing the plunger down, shooting the clear liquid into his arm. Between one ragged breath as he pulled the needle out, and the next while he replaced the cap and tossed it in the trash… He felt it. Like a sinful little serpent, it slithered up his arm and right to his heart, then through the rest of him. He was thrumming with energy, and felt it rushing to his fingers and toes. That comfortable, nearly fucking orgasmic pulse that drowned out everything.

No more past, no more demons, no nightmares, no guilt or pain or sadness. Just… It was heaven on Earthland.

" _Much better, babies,"_ Bickslow silently laughed as he leaned back against the wall and pulled the belt from around his bicep. He'd needed this, that lovely tingling that made him want to shout from the rooftops just how fucking perfect it was. His babies were silent, but it didn't matter. They were probably mad at him, but he didn't care right then. They didn't get it. What good was he if he didn't have the drugs? He was better this way.

The shower was still running, so Bickslow made his way over to it and hopped in. Washing his hair, his body - careful of the new tattoo on his stomach - as quickly as possible. He wanted to get back out into the living room. He had tons of shit to do. Like cleaning up his place, getting his laundry together, checking on Lucy, and making a new totem for Pepe so it didn't need to stay in that little charred body.

He jumped out and toweled off, then threw on his clothes. Just a simple grey t-shirt, black boxers, and dark blue basketball shorts. He didn't even like basketball, but the shorts… Good fucking  _lord_  were they comfortable. Perfect for when he wasn't planning on going anywhere for a bit. Just before he walked out of the bathroom with his and Lucy's dirty clothes from the floor, he looked under the sink to see if he could find something to wrap Lucy's foot. And victory was his! Just a single ace bandage, but that was all he needed.

Her eyes were just opening when he walked out of the bathroom, and she looked like a damn angel all over again. He loved the sight of that radiant blonde lying in his bed, in his clothes. He had to keep himself calm though. Lucy got upset when he hit on her too much, and she was hurt. He didn't want her to try storming off when she was hurt.

"Good shower?" Lucy asked softly.

Bickslow nodded. "Yeah. Oh, I found this."

Lucy looked at the hand that held up a rolled bandage, and she felt the smallest smile trying to spread across her face. "Thanks, Bix."

He grinned at her, then carefully sat down at the foot of the bed. The comforter was pulled away, and he set the icepack down on the floor. A frown pulled at his lips when he looked at her foot. The ankle itself looked a bit better, less swollen, but… Bickslow pulled the comforter from her other foot and shook his head. Blisters were already forming on her feet, and there were a few places that the straps on her heels had actually cut into her skin and drew blood. "Hey… You shoulda told me it was this bad…"

Lucy shrunk in on herself slightly at that. She just hadn't wanted to worry him, or make him feel worse than his babies had told her he did. They'd let her know that he was beating himself up over her getting hurt, and that all he'd wanted to do was keep her safe because she was trying to help him - not just in finding them, but because she wanted to help him get clean. Bickslow thought it was his fault, all of it, but he wasn't to blame. He  _had_  saved her, and he brought her into his home and helped her get cleaned up. He was taking care of her right then as he got off the bed and grabbed a bottle of aloe from a box, and started carefully rubbing it into her feet. It stung a little bit, but she got over it.

Bickslow's hands carefully wrapped around Lucy's uninjured foot, and he massaged the aloe in. Then just kept rubbing. He couldn't help it. Lucy was smiling at him, she was relaxed. That was what he wanted. He wasn't sure how long he worked on that one foot and up to the middle of her calf, but he still needed to do the other one. He didn't feel like shit for the way her soul looked right then, so he was able to smile. He could just watch Lucy, watching him with her tired doe eyes.

More aloe, more rubbing, being careful of her injured ankle. They were silent, but he didn't mind it. Not at all. Once her foot was wrapped carefully in the bandage and settled back on top of the little pillow, Bickslow chuckled when he saw Lucy failing at stifling a yawn. Then another. "Cosplayer, you really should get some sleep."

"What are you planning on doing?" she whispered tiredly.

Bickslow shrugged. Even though he had an amazing rush still going from that shot, it had helped him relax again. He wasn't tired in the slightest, but he was definitely feeling a little on the lazy side. Besides, he had to keep himself under control a little bit. He didn't want Lucy to know that he'd just done it while she was still there, lying in the next room. She didn't need to know that he chose the drugs over her again. He was making it up to her anyway, by making sure she was comfortable and got the rest she needed.  _'I'm gonna help her soul somehow. She should have a beautiful one, not one like mine… I'll keep it nice and beautiful, just like her.'_

When Bickslow went to stand, Lucy grabbed the sleeve of his shirt. She was still in some pain, but… She didn't want him to go anywhere. He'd been the one holding her together while he carried her to his apartment. She needed that if she was going to sleep. He was warm and comforting, and if he was gone, if she was left alone… She didn't know what would happen. Her heart and soul were hurting by what had happened, and she couldn't let herself try to process it all. Not without a pen and paper to write it all out. That was just how she coped with things. Writing whatever came to mind, everything she was feeling. It was cathartic. It helped her work through things, put them in their proper place, and move past it. "Stay with me?" Lucy whispered.

Bickslow chuckled and nodded. "Sure, Cosplayer. You want some cuddles, huh?" He chuckled again when Lucy blushed and looked away, quickly letting his shirt go. He went to the other side of the bed and laid himself down under the blanket with her. He wished that he hadn't given her his boxers to wear. Just because he knew that her underwear and bra were with that sexy little black dress she'd been wearing. He wasn't going to push anything, but he could think about it. He could imagine the hot little blonde in his bed being completely bare. How his hands would trail over her skin, dip between her legs and tease her into oblivion, push one hand up under his shirt and get a handful of those perfect breasts of hers. He could think about how she would moan his name, how it would feel having her fall apart around him, then pulling out and throwing her legs over his shoulders while he dove face-first into her sex.

Instead of what he wanted to do, Bickslow just laid there behind her. He made sure to keep some distance between them, and reached down to adjust his growing arousal. Needless to say, he was pleasantly surprised when Lucy reached back and grabbed his hand, then pulled him to her. He shifted closer, and closer still when she didn't stop pulling until he was pressed flush against her back, curling around her. He took a chance and moved his hand so her palm was covering the back of his, and laced his fingers with hers. "It's alright if you want that, y'know…"

"Want what?" Lucy whispered, a deep flush creeping across her cheeks when she felt his breath feathering over her shoulder.

Bickslow smiled and ran his nose along the shell of her ear, then down the side of her neck. She smelled like his soap and shampoo, and damnit was that sexy as hell. He'd never had a girl over to his place, to any of the places he lived. Not to sleep and shower. Not even for sex. "Cuddles," he whispered back. "I love cuddles."

Lucy laughed when Bickslow blew on her neck, and pushed her shoulder up to try and make that ticklish sensation stop. "You do?"

"Definitely." He paused, then wrapped his arm - and hers, since their hands were joined - around her waist, his free arm pushing under the pillow so he could be that much closer to her. "I love it, but I've only ever really cuddled with my babies. No one's close enough to let me… No one wants me to do that with them…"

Lucy frowned and looked over her shoulder, right up into his deep crimson eyes. "How come?" she asked softly.

He gave her a sad smile. He loved that he was able to tell her things like this. When he was high, it wasn't so embarrassing to tell her what was really going on in his head. He wouldn't really say much about his past, not the shit he was trying to forget, but little things… Things like this… He could tell her that. "Because I'm a freak. Why do you think I love being around you? You don't make me feel like a freak, or crazy, or anything like that." He buried his nose in her hair and lightly squeezed her for a moment. "Wanna know something?"

Lucy nodded.

Bickslow chuckled. "You're the first person I've ever done this with. I love cuddling with you, Cosplayer." He wasn't going to tell her that she was the first person he knew of that had ever hugged him... In his whole life... Just because she could. And when she wanted to make him feel better. He hugged plenty of people, but no one had gone out of their way to do it for him. That was a little too deep. She didn't need to know that...

Lucy's blush deepened even further, and she instinctively lifted their joined hands and tucked them under her chin - ignoring, or maybe just not noticing, the fact that Bickslow's arm was between her breasts. "I-I like cuddling with you too, Bickslow."

He grinned and pressed a small, tender kiss to her hair.  _"Babies, wanna come cuddle with us?"_

" _We'd already be doing it if we could move…"_

Bickslow's eyes widened and he activated his magic so they could freely move and speak. He'd completely forgotten that he cut their magic off… again. The five little totems slowly moved closer, pressing themselves against the blonde. Bickslow heard her giggle softly, and found himself happier than ever that he'd found a friend like her. "Sleep, Lucy," he said. "It's super cuddly time."

Lucy laughed again and shook her head. "You're silly, Bix."

He kissed her hair again. "But you like me silly."

"Maybe." Lucy yawned and closed her eyes. "Thanks, Bickslow... For everything."

"No problem, Lucy." Bickslow let out a slow breath as he listened to her drifting off to sleep.  _'I'll make sure your soul gets better, Lucy. I'll fix it… Somehow.'_

* * *

_**Well I never really thought that you'd come tonight** _   
_**While the crown hangs heavy on either side** _   
_**Give me one last kiss while we're far too young to die.** _   
_**We're far too young to die...** _

__


	9. The Sun Has Set On Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Theory of a Deadman: The Sun Has Set On Me

 

_**Everything has changed** _   
_**But I just stay the same** _   
_**Everyone's moved on** _   
_**An echo of what remains** _

* * *

"Bickslow, are you sure this is okay?" the totems asked softly as they floated through the woods behind the Seith mage.

"Yeah," Bickslow sighed. "Laxus won't mind." And he knew, even though he wasn't around anymore, Laxus really wouldn't mind if Bickslow went by his house. Everything was still there, just a little dusty. He would have thought that Freed would go down there and keep it kept up, cleaned and all that, but maybe the Rune mage was trying to respect Laxus' privacy. That worked better for him anyway. Then no one would know that he'd been to Laxus' house, or why he'd gone there. He hadn't taken anything though, not like people would have assumed. He didn't need to steal to get what he needed. Bickslow was able to take jobs and make money, so he didn't have to do that ever again.

Being there had been more painful than he would have thought. Maybe it was why Freed and Evergreen weren't going to Laxus' house. It was just too hard being in that place without the hulking blonde. It was painful to see the rustic interior, to walk through the halls and past the rooms that had been given to each member of the team for them to sleep in whenever they needed it - whether it was because they needed a place to stay like Bickslow had before, or just to crash after a long mission. Seeing the large master bedroom brought back memories of the times Bickslow had pranked Laxus by pouring water on him to wake him up, or putting whipped cream on his hand then tickling his nose. It also brought back memories of shitty times in Bickslow's life.

Arguing with Laxus when the tweaker chick he was banging the year before kept coming around and dragging him out of the house. Getting kicked out when he was staying there, because he had nowhere else to go, and Laxus saying that he'd get Bickslow set up in a place of his own. Showing up a couple months later when he got evicted, and begging Laxus to help him again. Telling the blond over and over that he was going to get clean, and that he wouldn't mess up again. Broken promises, day in and day out, year after year. Crawling into Laxus' bed with the Slayer and curling up on top of the covers, just because he was feeling like shit and needed to know someone was there while he was coming down. Then promptly getting the boot onto the floor because Laxus didn't want anyone in his damn bed with him unless they had a vagina.

Cuddling though… Bickslow couldn't help but smile a little bit at the thought. He'd gotten to cuddle with a blonde. A few times, actually. Lucy. She'd even slept in his bed, in his little shithole apartment, in his clothing.

#

_Bickslow carefully set everything down on the counter, the little woodworking tools and the freshly carved totem, then looked over at the blonde lying in the bed. She'd been asleep for a good portion of the day, but he really couldn't blame her. He kept looking at her soul, every time he happened to find himself watching her. Blue and white and gold. Still radiant and beautiful. Still with that huge tear in it. He didn't expect it to get better over the course of a couple hours, but it still sucked seeing it there._

_She needed to wake up though. It was nearing five at night, and she was probably going to be hungry when she woke up. Thirsty too. It's why he'd paused in making the new totem for Pepe, and went out to the little bakery down on the corner. He'd been able to get some coffee and bagels. He wasn't planning on eating the bagels though. Those were for Lucy. He just never had an appetite when he was high, and that was fine with him. He was too busy to eat anyway. He'd cleaned his apartment and did the laundry, including her dress and undergarments, made a new totem, worked out, took another shower. Anything he could think of around the house, since he didn't want to leave her there to wake up alone._

_Bickslow made his way back over to the bed after transferring Pepe into its new little wooden body, leaving the charred one on the counter to deal with later. He watched her slow breathing for only a moment, then crawled back under the covers with the blonde, curling around her just like he'd been when she fell asleep. He propped himself up on one elbow, then lightly brushed her hair away from her face. "Damn," he whispered to himself, "You're really beautiful, Cosplayer."_

_His eyes softened as her slender fingers wrapped around his hand and pulled it under her chin again, with an arm lying between her large breasts. Her full lips parted ever so slightly, and even though he was able to smell her morning breath, he didn't mind it all that much. Especially not when Lucy pulled him closer, when she pushed herself further into his embrace. And definitely not when, after a few minutes in silence, she smiled and whispered his name upon waking._

" _Rise and shine, cutie," Bickslow whispered with a smile, feeling it widen when she giggled softly._

" _Hey, you…"_

" _I got bagels and coffee, if you're hungry."_

_Lucy nodded, then rolled over in Bickslow's arms and rested her head on his chest. "Is it still morning?"_

" _Heh, nope," he chuckled. He paused to brush her hair from her face again. "It's after five. How are you feeling?"_

_He watched her face fall slightly, and he already knew just why it had happened. Lucy didn't answer him, and instead chose to tuck herself into him even further while shaking her head._

" _I'm here, Cosplayer," he whispered sadly. "Don't be sad, okay?"_

_She sniffled softly, and he brushed his fingers through her hair. "Do you have a toothbrush I can use? My mouth tastes disgusting."_

_Bickslow nodded. "The green ones are new," he whispered. "You sure you wanna brush your teeth before eating?"_

_Lucy smiled and shook her head, quickly wiping away the few tears from her lashes. "Guess not. Thanks for breakfast."_

" _You're welcome," he chuckled. "Now, you stay here and relax. You're getting breakfast in bed."_

#

The way she'd rolled her eyes and laughed had him smiling even wider. He couldn't help it. He'd been able to get the blonde to smile, laugh even. Her eyes seemed a little dulled, and her smile wasn't nearly as bright, but it was still beautiful. She was still beautiful, even without any makeup on and her hair sticking up every which way.

He still felt like shit that he'd done that to her soul though. He was the one to blame for it, and he'd been trying to forget for the past three days. Every time he thought he was about to start coming down, he'd shoot up again. He hadn't slept in five days by that point, and the shadows were starting to freak him out a little bit, but his babies kept him okay. They reminded him that the shadows weren't really moving, there was nothing out to get him. He was good, he was fine.

Bickslow found himself back on the edge of town, and pushed his hands into his pockets. One hand wrapped around the needle he'd prepped before leaving to head over to Laxus' house, and the other closed over his lacrima. It was the last of his stash, and he needed to go on a mission soon to get more money. He had enough to get him through if they went that day, but that was it.

Still, the fucking shadows were freaking him out. Dancing on the edges of his vision, wriggling around as though they were waiting for him to let his guard down. He needed to sleep. But to do that, he had to come down.

"We should go see Cosplayer again," the totems whispered.

"I don't know, babies," Bickslow sighed.

"But she said you could call her," Papa said.

"And she wants to help," Pepe added happily with a spin.

"Yeah, but I need to sleep…" Bickslow knew he needed it. He figured he needed sleep more than he needed the drugs right then. He couldn't let himself go too much longer, and he was already nearing his usual self-imposed six day limit on no sleep.

"So ask to sleep over there," Pupu said.

Popo bobbed in agreement. "Maybe you'll get to touch her boobs again."

"Popo…" the other totems sighed.

Bickslow shook his head sadly. "She doesn't like it when I'm grabby, babies."

"Cuddling then," the totems chirped. "You love cuddling with Cosplayer."

Bickslow smiled again. He really did. His babies knew it just as well as he did. Lucy was not only the only woman he'd done nothing more than sleep next to, but she was just… Well, he didn't know how to put it into words. He loved cuddling with the blonde, and he was sure it didn't have a thing to do with the size of her chest. Those were just two  _very_  large perks. He'd love to call Lucy and spend the night with her again, but he couldn't do that.

Bickslow knew that he needed to do this on his own for once. He needed to let himself come down, not depend on anybody else to get the shit done. Hell, if he came down now, then he'd wake up and get some food,  _then_  get his little shot of happy-fun-time juice. Which would make this whole 'getting money for more by going on a mission' thing a whole lot easier.

Besides, he'd done enough to upset Lucy, to fuck with her soul. He put that rip in it. He'd been the reason her smile, soul, and eyes had dimmed. He'd sucked the life right out of her. And he knew it. That was why he was scared as hell to come down though. Because Bickslow knew… He knew that as soon as he didn't have the drugs, he'd be ready to kill himself over what happened.

It was justified though, and not nearly as bad as some of the other things he'd done in the past. He'd done it to save Lucy, to protect her, and to get revenge for what happened to his babies. But still… His head was a fucking field riddled with landmines while he wasn't high. So much shit could just set him off, make him ready to jump off a bridge with concrete blocks strapped to his legs and kill himself. It made him desperate to get back to his relatively numb state of mind. Because the real world, where he wasn't invincible and confident and funny… That place was fucking terrifying. There was too much coming at him at once, and he couldn't ever handle it. It's why he just needed to keep himself drugged up. Then he wasn't crazy. He wasn't a freak. He was just…

Bickslow, the Fairy Tail pervert.

He shook his head again, ignoring the way a couple across the street started whispering about him. He heard them, but he couldn't dwell on it. There was still some shit that he had to do that day. His hands tightened into fists in his pockets, and he felt the lacrima again. There it was, reminding him that Lucy was just a call away. He didn't need to do it alone. She was right there, just waiting for a call from him so he could get her help.

"Yeah, she wants to help," the totems whispered. "Call her…"

"What if she doesn't wanna see me?" he asked sadly, turning down another road and heading to his apartment building.

"Why wouldn't she?"

* * *

_**All the pretty things** _   
_**They twinkle in the light** _   
_**It chokes me up** _   
_**But you learn to live inside the darkness** _

* * *

Bickslow sighed and looked down at the sidewalk. He just had a feeling that Lucy wouldn't want to see him. And she might not even be back from her mission. She'd told him that she was leaving that morning, and that it shouldn't take too long, but what if she was busy? What if she wasn't back yet? Or… What if him calling her was cause for her getting hurt? But maybe she wouldn't answer if she was in the middle of a job or a fight.

It wouldn't really make sense, telling an enemy,  _"Could you hold on a moment? My meth-addicted friend is calling me to talk him off a fucking cliff, and I really need to take this… No, we'll get back to fighting as soon as I answer this call."_

"I don't know, babies…"

#

_Bickslow sat at the bar in the guild, just having finished taking part in the daily brawl to get some extra energy out. It was a great day. He'd been all over the place, making people laugh and pranking others, and he knew it was only going to get better. Especially when Lucy walked over to him and tapped on his shoulder._

" _Bickslow," Lucy said softly, a gentle smile on her face, "Could I talk to you for a minute?"_

" _What's up, Cosplayer?" he asked, giving the Celestial mage a tongue-lolling grin._

" _Not much, but… I just wanted to talk to you… In private," she answered haltingly._

" _Sure," Bickslow said. He downed the rest of his drink, noticing that Mira was busy handing out orders - which was probably why Lucy had waited until then to approach him - then stood and followed Lucy to the back of the guild. They walked in silence, but he didn't really mind. He knew that Lucy didn't like it when he was hitting on her and being perverted, so he kept it to himself. "Taking me out back to get into my pants, huh?" he chuckled. Well, he mostly kept it to himself._

" _No," Lucy said softly._

_That was it. It was all she said, and he didn't try to keep up any form of conversation. They ended up at the guild's pool, a place that no one was spending time at because it was nearly December. She pulled him to a stop, then they sat down side by side on a lounge, and he looked at her curiously. "What's up?" he asked. "You doing okay?"_

_Lucy shrugged. After a moment, she turned sad eyes up to him. "I know you shot up while I was at your place," she whispered._

_His eyes went wide. "Wh-What?" he stuttered. "I don't know what you're talking about!"_

_Lucy sighed. "I was talking to your babies," she said, "And then they just went quiet and stopped moving. I figured you made sure they couldn't tell me-"_

_Bickslow shook his head quickly. "No… Hey, it's not like that, I swear… I mean, I just…" He grimaced. He'd already been feeling guilty for choosing the drugs over the blonde that was lying in his bed at the time. The one that wanted to help him had quite literally been just on the other side of the door, and he'd spent the whole day before feeling like an asshole because of it. It just let him know that he needed to up his dosage again, because he shouldn't have been feeling anything remotely close to what he was going through._

" _Bicksl-"_

" _No," he whispered frantically. "I-I'm sorry… Really, I am. I just… Well, I needed it, and it didn't seem like there was anything I could do about it. And I wanted to go get you, and my babies were telling me to get you, but I just couldn't. And I've got all these reminders and stuff, but I made the wrong choice, and I know you're probably pissed at me, but I just didn't know what else to do… It made me feel worse when I was doing it though. And then I just wanted it all to stop, and-"_

_Bickslow froze when Lucy's fingers pressed themselves against his lips. "I get it," she said gently. "I do. It's okay, Bickslow."_

" _But, I said I was gonna ask you for help, and you were right there… I could've asked you."_

 _She nodded slowly. "You could have, and you probably_ _**should** _ _have, but I'm not mad at you." She paused and sighed heavily, pulling her hand back to her lap. "I'm not mad at you for that, Bickslow. That was… Well, it was a pretty bad night, and if that's your coping mechanism, then… I get it. I might not like it, but I get it."_

_Bickslow spent only another moment looking at her before she hugged him. He was confused as hell, but his arms automatically wrapped around her. She was shaking, trembling like a freezing chihuahua in his grasp. He looked down and quickly caught a glimpse of her soul, then worried his lower lip between his teeth when he saw that it wasn't getting any better. Not at all. It should have been getting better, at least a little bit, by then. Not by much really since it had only been a couple days, but… She wasn't getting better. In fact, it looked worse than before._

_And that was when he realized what was going on. Lucy was doing what he should have been doing. She was coping without the drugs. She was doing it clean, and it was eating her alive. It wasn't easy to just get over something like being an accessory to murder after you were nearly raped. He didn't really know from experience where that particular experience was concerned, but he did remember throwing up fucking everywhere the first time he killed someone._

_But Lucy wasn't using. She was doing it normally, and she needed someone to help her. Him… Lucy was latching onto him and silently begging for his help. It was what he wanted to do for her anyway, even though he didn't have a fucking clue how he was going to make it better, but he loved that she was coming to him. That she was able to put her trust in him - of all people, when he was the reason it had happened - to help her get through this shit he'd brought down on her._

_Lucy needed someone, and Bickslow wanted to be the one she leaned on. Maybe… Maybe if she was able to depend on him in this, when she really needed someone, then… Maybe it would be easier for him to depend on her too. Because maybe he'd remember that she needed his help, and that it was okay to ask for help, even when you didn't want to - or, more like when you did, but it was just too hard to make yourself do it._

" _Lucy," Bickslow whispered tenderly. "Come out with me."_

" _Wh-Where?"_

" _We can go to the toy store, okay?" He lightly ran a hand down her arm, then back up to her shoulder. When there was a loud crash that echoed through the entire guild, followed by roaring that could only come from Fairy Tail's two Dragon Slayers, he said, "It's calm there, y'know? Happy… We'll… We'll feel better."_

_Lucy nodded quickly, refusing to loosen her grip around his waist. Instead of trying to push her off of him, he pulled her closer and stood up, then hopped on his babies and flew away from the guild._

#

Bickslow sighed heavily and sat down on the front steps to the apartment building. He held the lacrima in both hands, just staring at the darkened orb, right at his reflection. His visor was on, but he could still see himself. He could see the layers underneath, that baby shit color that he wanted to believe was beautiful, likable, worth someone's time.

He didn't think he ever would be though, and that made him want to just smash the stupid thing. But… He wanted to see Lucy again. He wanted to talk to her, to hear her telling him that he could stop. That he could stay clean. He wanted her arms around him, her smaller body tucked against his. He wanted to hear her breathing deeply in sleep, see her face so calm and relaxed. He wanted to see her smile. Most of all, he didn't want to shoot up again. He had it with him, and he didn't want it.

Part of him was screaming that he should have taken it already, and that he was a fucking idiot for letting himself come down just enough to even start thinking about this shit. He should have been completely inco-fucking-herent. Not questioning whether or not he should call the blonde. The needle was right there in his damn pocket. All he needed was a mostly secluded place, and he was set. Belt around the arm, needle in the vein, push the plunger, and he would be fine. Better than fine. He'd be a motherfucking god.

' _But,'_  he thought with a furrowed brow,  _'I do wanna stop. I do. Lucy said she'll help me… I want help… I do…'_ So why was he hearing something whisper that he didn't? He  _did_  want to get clean, right? Bickslow knew he did. And it wasn't like he was actually planning on going without the needle in his pocket for long. He just needed to get some sleep, then he'd be good. Come down, eat, wake up and shoot up. Then he could go on a mission.

* * *

_**The sun has set on me  
The sun, it sets me free** _

* * *

But that would mean that he had to deal with what happened. Not the murder, but what happened to Lucy because of it. That was what he wanted to avoid. That was the pain in his own soul that he wanted to drown out. He should have been used to it, but he wasn't. He never would be.

#

_They sat on top of the toy store, watching the sun slowly descend in the sky. The place they'd met a little over a month before during the Battle of Fairy Tail. Where they'd fought on his birthday. Lucy was huddled close to Bickslow, tucked into his side and still shaking. Maybe it was because of the cold, but he wanted to believe that it was more than that. He really wanted to believe that Lucy was seeking comfort, not just warmth. "Talk to me," he whispered. "I'm a good listener."_

_Lucy sighed and rubbed her hands together, then looked up into the eyes she could see since he'd taken his visor off once they'd sat down. "I-I can't sleep… I just keep seeing his face."_

" _That junkie?"_

_She nodded. "Every time I close my eyes, he's there," she said, her voice trembling. "We… We covered it up, and… I just keep thinking that someone's gonna find him, and they'll figure out what really happened. And then… I-I don't know. I'm just scared and… And it hurts."_

_He frowned. "Hurts?"_

_She nodded again. "It was wrong to kill him. I know that, and Fairies don't kill. They don't commit crimes like this… But, we did. I'm just as guilty. I've tried writing about it. It's how I work things out when I'm upset. I just sit down and write about whatever's going on, get it all out, whatever I'm thinking, and that's that. Usually it works, and I feel better afterwards. But it's not working now. I… I'm having nightmares, and I wake up crying, and then I'm all alone and there's no one there to tell me it's okay."_

_The totems slowly lowered themselves to the rooftop, surrounding the blonde. They hummed softly, trying to comfort her._

" _And then, when I was at your place," Lucy continued, "You didn't come get me. I was right there, and it made me think that maybe… M-Maybe you didn't want my help. Like, I was just pushing it on you and you were just trying to humor me. I don't think that's the case, really. It's just that… I couldn't understand why you wouldn't ask for help. But… I know. I know why you did it, and it's because you're coping with what happened too. You're just trying to make it stop. I get that. But… I don't have that. Nothing's making it better, and it's not going away. I-I just don't know what to do anymore…"_

_Bickslow sighed heavily. "Well, if you wanted - and I already know you'll say no - but…" He paused and reached into his pocket, pulling out the capped needle he'd used just before going to the guild. It wasn't like Lucy didn't know that he was stoned out of his fucking mind right then. She'd called him out on it during the trip over to the toy store. She knew what he was like when he wasn't high, how soft-spoken and shy he was. She'd seen it firsthand. And she knew that no one ever really saw him without him being high. She just didn't know he still had the used needle in his pocket. "This shit makes it easier."_

_Bickslow laughed when Lucy blanched and stared at him in horror. "No worries, Cosplayer," he said while putting the needle back in his pocket. He'd need to throw it out later on, after all. "I'm not pushing it on you. I'm just saying… I feel fucking great right now."_

_Lucy stared at her hands, worrying her lower lip between her teeth. "Do you though?" she whispered. "Can you… Can you really feel great like this?"_

_Bickslow shrugged. "Better than I normally do."_

" _Normally?"_

_He nodded. "Yeah, I told you already," he chuckled. "If I'm not high, I wanna kill myself. I always do. I've got a fucked up past, and it's shit you don't really wanna know about. Trust me, you wouldn't want to be anywhere near me if you knew the shit I'd done before. Before even coming to the guild."_

_She looked up at him then, her gaze wary yet curious. "Tell me," she whispered. "I_ _**do** _ _want to know about you. Even if it's not pretty, I want to know."_

_Bickslow raised an eyebrow at her. "You sure?"_

_Lucy nodded, sighing when he pulled her head to his chest. She cuddled closer to him, trying to soak up his warmth._

" _Well," he said slowly, "I used to brawl for money. I'd bet against myself every time, because I knew I wouldn't win. Those guys were fucking huge, and they knew what they were doing. I just needed money to get more drugs, and I didn't know how to make it otherwise. I could steal food if I needed it, slept wherever I found a safe spot, but the drugs… You need Jewels for that. Unless you're willing to start whoring yourself out for it - but that's usually just chicks - or going for huge payouts by stealing from rich assholes, there's not a lot of options."_

_He could feel how she'd gone still, how even her shaking had stopped. Maybe she was just listening, or maybe he'd already freaked her the hell out. Still, Lucy had said she wanted to know more about him, and fighting for money? Well, that was just a means to an end. Everything was, where he was concerned. Everything but Lucy. She wasn't a means to an end, she was his friend._

" _I won a couple times, and I ended up making more on those days," he continued. "But the only way to make the guys stop coming after me, after the fight was done and they'd moved on to the next fight… What I did a couple nights ago was nothing, Cosplayer. I just hit him with a rock and destroyed his soul. I didn't… Well… I didn't rip him to pieces."_

_Lucy jolted and looked up at Bickslow, her eyes filled with concern. "You… Huh?"_

_He nodded slowly, looking out over the city of Magnolia. "I was sixteen, and the fucker tried to kill me. I kinda lost it. But… I'd just tried angeldust for the first time, so that probably had something to do with it."_

" _Doesn't it bother you though?" she whispered. "What happened at the docks…"_

_He smiled down at her. "Hell no," he said gently. "I was protecting you. That's all that matters to me. I'd do anything to protect my friends, especially since I've only really got one now. He was trying to hurt you, and he upset Pepe and my babies, which means that he needed to learn a lesson." She blinked slowly, and he tenderly squeezed her shoulders. "Hey, there's no need to be upset about it. That guy was killing himself anyway, so I just sped it up a bit. He was a piece of shit, and he was gonna rape you. I've never stood for that shit, and you're not the first person I've kept safe from that happening because some junkie decided he didn't give a shit what the chick wanted."_

_Lucy blushed and looked away from him then._

_Bickslow smirked and lifted a hand to her face. His fingers danced along her cheek, then slowly turned her to meet his gaze. Crimson and chocolate met, and held. There were unshed tears in her eyes, and the way they sparkled in the light of the setting sun was breathtaking. He just wanted to kiss her, but he couldn't. He knew that she'd just get pissed at him for it. "I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, Lucy," he whispered. "I don't want you to get hurt because of me, and I'll do anything in my power to make sure it never happens."_

" _Why though?"_

" _Because you're my friend," he answered. "I'm not really all that close with Fairy Tail, and I only joined because I was a mage and I needed money. It's easier to find jobs when you're part of a guild than when you're independent."_

" _What about Laxus?" she asked as his forehead rested against hers._

" _We fought the first time we spoke," he chuckled. "He found me getting ready to shoot up behind the guild, like… A week after I joined. He said he'd help me stop." He paused and shook his head. "That was four years ago though." The smile that faded came back again as he continued. "You though… It's weird how it's kinda the same thing. We fought when we met. Difference is, you saved my life when it shouldn't have made a difference to you whether I lived or died. You didn't know what was going on with me, but… You still saved me. You stayed in the hospital, and… You let me crash at your place. All before we really even knew each other."_

" _That's because I wanted to help," she whispered. "I still do."_

" _I know, and I do want your help. I promise," he whispered back. "I really do. It's just hard to get myself to do it. I fight it every time, just fight to call you or ask. And most times… I'll tell you right now… Most times I won't. I really try, and I just…" He shrugged and gave her a sad smile. "I'll try though. I'll keep trying."_

_Lucy smiled at that. "I hope so; otherwise, I'll have to glue myself to your back just to keep an eye on you."_

_Bickslow grinned, and couldn't stop himself from leaning forward slightly and pulling her lower lip between his teeth. When Lucy squeaked and smacked his chest after drawing back, her lip being pulled into her own mouth to protect it, he laughed. "You should glue yourself to my front, Cosplayer."_

_She scowled at him. "Why is it always about sex with you like this?"_

_Bickslow laughed again. His hand stole up her side to cup her cheek again, his thumb drawing slow circles over the flushed skin. "I wasn't talking about sex. If you're glued to my front, then I can see your eyes. I love eyes, Lucy. They tell you so damn much about a person, without a single word. Windows to the soul, and all that." His finger slowed and brushed just under her eye. "Want me to tell you what yours say?"_

_Lucy nodded._

" _They say…" Bickslow chuckled, brushing her hair back from her face when a strong gust of wind blew past them. "You're an angel. Always have been. And… Someone like you… With that beautiful soul you've got… There's a lot you deserve in life."_

" _My… My eyes tell you that?"_

_He grinned again when she shivered. Slowly, Bickslow removed his blue skirt, then shifted so Lucy was sitting between his legs with her back to his chest. She gave him a curious look, but he waited until she settled against him. As he draped the pale blue material over her, he whispered, "Makes a great blanket when you need one. And yes. Your eyes tell me that. Just like your soul." He tenderly kissed her cheek, then sighed as his arms wrapped around her. "Watch the sunset with me?"_

_Lucy smiled. "I'd like that, Bickslow."_

" _Me too, Lucy," he chuckled._

_She cuddled closer to him, even though there really wasn't any room between them to begin with. "Tell me more about yourself," she whispered._

" _Like what?"_

" _Hmm… What's your favorite… Color?"_

_He laughed softly. "Purple. Or green. I can't decide." Anything she asked, he answered. Favorite food, time of day, movies. What he didn't like - which ended up being hot sauce, noon, and sappy romance movies, especially Titanic. His last name; he'd told her that he didn't remember it anymore, when in reality… He never knew what it was._

_He told her whatever she wanted to know, and he was glad she hadn't tried to delve too deep. Just surface things. Simple things. Stuff he didn't think about all that often, but knew the answers to right away. Bickslow loved it._

#

Bickslow closed his eyes with a grimace, feeling his hands trembling more and more with each second that passed. He needed to figure out what to do, but first… He had something else that needed to get handled. With a shaky sigh, he pulled out his keys and walked into the apartment building. He could ignore the needle in his pocket that long, at least. He hoped...

* * *

_**Like tears in the rain** _   
_**No one'll notice** _   
_**A fear I can't explain** _   
_**No one cares** _

* * *

Lucy fought to hide the pain she was in as she walked into the guild. Her ankle was still throbbing, and it had definitely slowed her down on her little solo mission, and the injuries she'd sustained on the job weren't making it any easier. Hopefully, no one would notice how she was favoring her right side, and making sure her t-shirt didn't ride up to show off the bandages that were wrapped around her torso.

Turning in her mission was no trouble at all, since it was that lovely lull between the lunch and dinner rushes. Mira was chatting with Elfman, so it was nice and simple. Erza had taken Gray and Natsu out for a mission while she was away, apparently. She wasn't even gone a whole day, but it didn't matter anyway. After watching the sunset with Bickslow the day before, she'd been wanting to check up on him. To make sure he was doing alright. She looked across the guild and instantly found a head of green hair next to a brunette. Freed and Evergreen.

No blue and black though. Well, no metal visor and pinstriped hood. Bickslow wasn't with them. She frowned at that. Maybe he'd already left for the day though. She definitely wasn't going to try searching the guild. That would just take too long. No, instead Lucy decided to get her sore ass home and into a bath, then she could give the Seith mage a call and see what he was up to.

With that, Lucy slowly got up from the bar stool, and made her way out of the guild. The person she was looking for wasn't there anyway, so there was no point in sticking around. It took everything in her to hide the fact that her ankle was hurting like a son-of-a-bitch, and that her ribs were protesting the majority of the breaths she took. Leave it to her spirits to help her get nice and multicolored while on a solo mission.

Just as she'd reached the bridge over the canal on her way home, the same spot she would normally jump up to start balancing on the wall, Lucy felt her lacrima pulsing in her bag. A smile crossed her face as she pulled it out and answered the call from the Seith mage.

"C-Cosplayer…?" Bickslow said shakily.

"Hey, I'm back from my mission. I was gonna call you when I got home."

Bickslow nodded quickly. "I…" He looked around at the street in front of his apartment building, his arms wrapped around himself as he sat curled up on the ground. "Can you come over? I uh… I-I need your help…"

Her smile faded in an instant, shifting to one of concern. She should have known that Bickslow wouldn't call just to see how she was doing. She'd told him to call her when he needed help. "Is everything okay?" she asked, coming to a stop right at the bridge that would lead to Bickslow's apartment. When he simply clenched his eyes and shook his head, she grew more worried. There was something really wrong. He was fighting it, whatever it was, and she could see just how hard it was for him. "Where are you?"

"M-My place… I'm home… I… I found a needle." He pushed a piece of gum in his mouth. "Cosplayer… Please," he whimpered. "Help me."

Lucy turned and started making her way over the bridge as quickly as she could. "Okay, I'm on my way. Just stay outside and I'll come get you. Right out front, and don't move, alright? Don't forget your babies."

Bickslow nodded quickly, rubbing his arm as his babies hovered in the air just behind him.

"Ten minutes, okay?" He nodded again. "Do you want me to send Loke over to sit with you? Just until I get there."

Bickslow winced and shook his head. "No. Just… Can you stay on the line?"

Thankfully, it only took Lucy five minutes to get there. Her body was feeling every quick, jarring step she took, but that didn't matter. Not nearly as much as getting to Bickslow did. He was the one that needed her, and a little pain was worth it if she could keep him from shooting up again. He was silent on the lacrima though. She'd watched him remove his visor, then put it back on; put the lacrima down to rub his hands over his arms; shaking his hands out, again and again. Every time she'd been able to see his eyes, he looked so conflicted, so torn. Desperate. "I'm here, Bickslow," she said softly.

Bickslow lifted his head quickly and dropped his lacrima to the ground, and Lucy watched in shock as he vaulted from where he was sitting to wrap his arms around her. She grunted in pain when his body collided with hers, but she could feel him trembling. As her arms wrapped around him in return, she said, "It's okay. I'm here."

"I don't wanna be here," Bickslow whispered, his voice shaking and his words rushed. "Cosplayer, let's go somewhere else…"

"We'll go to my place," she answered. "Is that okay?"

Bickslow nodded quickly. "Please…" He pulled away for a moment to pick up his lacrima and put it in his pocket, then latched onto Lucy again.

"Bickslow?"

"Just…" He sighed as his babies lined up next to them, then stepped up onto the little wooden totems, pulling her up with him. "My babies will take us, I just… Please…"

"Please what?" she asked in confusion, trying to pull her head back enough to see his face - or, at least a portion of it.

"I… Is it okay? If… If I just hold you? Please… I'm freaking out…"

Lucy's grip around his waist tightened slightly, and she nodded. "Of course. Any time you need it."

He took a shuddering breath and held the blonde as closely as possible. He'd done it. He called her. He'd really taken that first step to stopping. It wasn't that bad, after all. Not at all. Sure, he'd needed to wait a little longer for her to get there, because she couldn't teleport like Laxus could, but it wasn't that bad. He'd been able to see her the whole time. To know that she was coming for him, and that she was going to make it better. He didn't need the drugs. They were screaming at him to just do it, but he wouldn't. He'd stop this time. He could do that. He really really could. Even if it was just long enough to come down and sleep… He could do it.

* * *

_**If only I could see a smile  
Before I face the black** _

* * *

Lucy opened the door to her apartment and stepped inside, then watched as Bickslow rushed off to the bathroom as his babies settled themselves on the coffee table. Maybe he just really needed to go to the bathroom. With a heavy sigh, she walked to her bedroom to get herself changed. That bath she'd been wanting to take would need to wait, either until he'd left or he was asleep. There was no telling what he might end up doing if she left him alone for too long. Granted, he was alone in her bathroom, but the water was running. He was most likely rinsing his mouth out since he didn't have a toothbrush at her apartment.

It was while she was changing, just as she'd pulled her shirt off, that Bickslow's babies came flying into the room frantically.

"He brought it… He brought it!"

"Brought what?"

"The needle!" Pepe shouted.

"Make him stop!" Popo said worriedly.

"We thought he left it there!" the totems chorused.

"No," Lucy whispered in horror. She made a mad dash to the bathroom and threw the door open, only to find Bickslow curled up on her bathroom floor with a needle in his hand. The unfamiliar bit of leather that she recognized as a belt was wrapped tightly around his bicep, then pulled up and held in place by his teeth. "Bickslow! NO!"

His head shot up, and he saw the look of horror on Lucy's face as his babies hovered in the air behind her. "I need it!" he ground out around the belt in his mouth. He couldn't stop himself. He'd seen her soul again. It got better, but… That tear in it was still there. Smaller, but still there. The voices won out. They'd been telling him to grab the needle and make it stop. That they would be quiet if he just used again. As swiftly as he could, Bickslow clenched his hand to push out his vein, then brought the needle to his arm. He wouldn't have time to make sure it was in the vein this time around. Lucy would try to stop him. He just needed it in him again.

"NO!" One swift kick to the needle in his hand that had her ankle screaming in agony, and it was gone. Flying through the air and into her bathtub. Lucy ignored every screech of pain in her body and scrambled over him, on a mission to get rid of the needle no matter what. She let out an ear-piercing shriek when a large hand wrapped around her leg, dragging her down. Her eyes slammed shut when her ribs hit the edge of the tub, and she felt bile rising in her throat. "S-Stop…"

"I need it!" Bickslow shouted as he crawled on top of her. He had to get to that needle. Didn't she understand that it would make everything go away? He was an idiot. He couldn't come down. Not right then. Fuck that little six-day rule he had. He'd stay up for weeks if it would make the pain stop. "You don't get it! I need it!"

Lucy took a shallow, wheezing breath when she felt his weight settling on top of her. Just as she saw his hand reaching for the needle in the tub, she reached down and behind her, then grabbed his genitals. And twisted. It was a low blow - literally - but it was one of the self-defense moves she'd picked up along the way while she was trying to find her way to Fairy Tail in the first place, after leaving the Konzern. Bickslow howled in pain and collapsed on top of her, adding way too much weight onto her already bruised, and maybe cracked by that point, ribs. "B-Babies," she rasped, "Break… It…"

Bickslow's eyes widened as his babies shot forward into the bathroom. "NO!" he bellowed, tumbling off of the blonde. He quickly activated his magic, making the totems freeze in the air just above their heads. "No fucking way, babies! You're on my side! I need it!"

"Lucy, hurry!" the totems shouted.

There were tears in her eyes as she pushed herself up again. Both from the pain bursting through her and what was happening. She'd never thought it would be this bad, that Bickslow would really be so desperate for the needle that she'd taken from him. He was supposed to be getting help. That was why he'd called her, so he wouldn't shoot up. When she felt Bickslow grabbing for her, Lucy kicked at his feet and fell into the tub.

"Leave it alone! I need that!"

Lucy scowled and turned to face him, then ripped his visor off. "No, you don't." And then she smashed the needle with the visor. The small crunch that sounded out through the bathroom made everything silent. Bickslow was frozen in place, staring at her in shock. And then anger.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!" he bellowed, his hands tightly gripping the edge of the tub as he knelt on the tile floor. Without another thought, he grabbed Lucy and ripped her from the tub, tossing her on the ground as he made his way to replace her in the tub. He could see it, and his blood ran cold. The needle, the plunger, the broken glass, the clear liquid that was seeping between the little shards. "No… Shit, no… This isn't happening…" That was the last of his stash. He was going to need it if he planned on taking a job to get more money. And now, because of Lucy, it was gone.

"Lucy!" the totems shouted. "Bickslow, what's  _wrong_  with you?!"

There was a very distinct cracking sound when she collided with the floor, and Lucy found it harder and harder to breathe as she slid another couple feet into the doorway of the bathroom. She needed help. There was no way she'd be able to stop Bickslow if he decided to come after her. His babies couldn't help her, because he could just cut off the magic that he supplied them. Then they would all be useless. No, she needed… "L-Loke…"

A small flash of golden light filled the room, and the Zodiac leader took in the scene. Bickslow in the tub, his visor missing. Lucy sprawled out on the floor, with no shirt and bandages wrapped around her torso, holding her ribs and…  _'She's crying… He made her cry!'_  With a feral growl, Loke reached into the bathtub and lifted Bickslow by the throat, then threw him out of the bathroom. "What the hell did you do to her?!" he roared, his rings lighting up as he stalked out of the room and kicked the Seith mage into the living room.

Bickslow slowly sat up, then grabbed his head and wrenched his eyes shut. "Fuck," he muttered to himself. "Fuck, fuck, fuck… I-I've gotta find more… Goddamnit!"

Lucy looked up when she felt a presence next to her, and was greeted with the sight of her loyal Lion spirit. His ginger hair, longer than when he'd been posing as a human. His glasses. That perfect face of his. Her tears came more forcefully when he tenderly brushed her hair from her eyes. "Broke… His needle," she wheezed. "L-Loke… He n-needs help."

Loke sneered. "Fuck him!" he shouted. "He hurt you, Lucy!" His gaze lifted, and he moved to protect her again when the five totems that Bickslow controlled floated over to them. Except, he stopped when he heard the little souls humming in worry.

"Lucy... Are you okay?" the totems whispered.

Bickslow grit his teeth in agitation, his breathing growing more ragged. His knees were pulled to his chest as he rocked back and forth, and it took everything he had to rub his arms instead of scratching them. "I need it," he whispered. "Goddamnit, Cosplayer. Why would you fucking do that? Why?!"

Lucy took Loke's hand when he offered it to her, letting him help her sit up slowly. She sniffled and wiped away her tears, already knowing they would just be replaced with more, then looked over at the nearly hysterical Seith mage. "L-Loke… Can you ask Virgo to come out?" she asked softly. "We'll be okay."

Loke scowled and stood in front of her when he saw the sweet blonde trying to move closer to Bickslow. "I can't let you get near him. He'll hurt you again."

"He won't."

"You don't know that, Lucy!" he shouted. "Look at him! He's a fucking lunatic! You  _never_  should have agreed to help him! He's not worth it! He-"

"Loke, please…" Lucy sniffled again while looking up at him. When he crouched in front of her, she tenderly grabbed his hands. "P-Please. He needs help. And I promised him I'd help. He's not crazy. It's just hard for him, that's all. Please, go get Virgo. She'll help us, okay?"

Loke wanted to deny her, but he could see it. It was the same look Lucy had when she'd saved his life. His existence. She was determined to do this, and there was nothing he could do or say to change her mind on the matter. The blonde had nearly killed herself to save him and prove to the Spirit King that he was worthy of a second chance, even when he'd said that he wasn't worth it. She was doing it again.  _'And she made him a promise… Damnit. Now she'll never give up on this…'_  With a heavy sigh, Loke pressed his lips to her forehead. "Alright," he said. "I'll get Virgo. Just wait for her to get here, though."

As soon as Loke had disappeared, Lucy carefully made her way closer to Bickslow. She gave the little wooden totems a pained smile when she realized they were hovering around her. With an arm around her ribs, and taking short, wheezing breaths, she hesitantly reached out with her other hand and touched his arm. "Bickslow?"

The five totems shot forward and started glowing when Bickslow smacked Lucy's hand away, knocking the blonde off balance and back onto the floor. "Bickslow! Stop!" they shouted. "You'll hurt her!"

Lucy sniffled again, then whimpered in pain when she tried and failed to lift herself up. "B-Bix?"

He sneered and looked at her with narrowed eyes. "Leave me alone, you…" Then he froze. Right as she was forcing herself to sit up. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. He was greeted with the sight of her in the little sky blue skirt she'd been wearing when she came to get him, and a pale pink bra. The t-shirt she'd been wearing was gone, giving him a perfect view of her chest, but… Also…

' _No… I didn't… Tell me I didn't do this…'_  There were bandages wrapped around her ribs, from the bottom of her bra down to her waist. The worst part though was the large black and blue and purple bruising that reached from her left hip all the way up to her shoulder, wrapping around her side. "Oh god… What did I do?" he whispered in horror. How could he hurt her like this? Why?  _'No. I… No, I wouldn't hurt her. I wouldn't!'_

" _You did,"_ the totems whispered sadly in his head.

Lucy reached forward again, then slowly pulled the belt from around Bickslow's arm. "I-I'll be okay," she wheezed.

"No, I hurt you… Fuck, I never wanted… I'm so sorry!"

Virgo appeared and tossed a pack of gum at the Seith mage with anger in her eyes, watching as he instantly tore it open and shoved two pieces in his mouth. "Princess," she said gently while kneeling next to the blonde. "I need to check your ribs."

Bickslow's eyes went wide when Virgo started removing Lucy's bandages. He'd done this to her. The bruising was even worse than he'd thought. Seeing it in its entirety… He never wanted to see her like this. To see her so battered. How the hell was he supposed to deal with this? He didn't have his drugs now. He couldn't drown it all out. Push it away. "Wh-What the fuck is wrong with me?" he whispered. "C-Cosplayer… I'm s-so sorry!"

* * *

_**But the light is gone  
I've learned to live inside the darkness** _

* * *

Lucy hissed when Virgo's slender fingers brushed over the bruising on her ribs, her head swimming as pain washed over her again.

"Two are cracked, Princess. Possibly broken," Virgo said. "I will need to wrap them again."

Lucy nodded in understanding, biting her lips to keep herself from crying out. She knew it wouldn't be long before Virgo had everything ready, but she really needed a place to lay her head down for a minute. Or just something to lean on; otherwise, she was sure that she'd be falling over. "Bi… Bix," she breathed, reaching a shaking hand out to the Seith mage. Once the maid spirit started wrapping her ribs again in compression bandages - although not too tightly so Lucy could still take deep breaths if she needed to - her hand closed around his and she whimpered in pain.

"Go," the totems whispered to Bickslow as he stared in confusion at Lucy's hand holding his own. "Go."

His babies gently nudged him forward, and Bickslow found himself even more surprised when Lucy rested her head on his arm and lightly squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry…"

She blindly pressed her fingers to his lips, whispering a gentle, "Shhh." It hurt too much to do anything. She just wanted to pass the hell out from the pain, but she couldn't. Lucy was a fighter, and there was no way in hell she was going to give up. Besides, Bickslow was with her. His thumb was drawing small circles over her guild mark, and his arm was surprisingly comfortable. Even with one of his epaulets over his shoulder digging into her forehead.

He just couldn't figure her out. Lucy should have been yelling at him, telling him to get the hell out of her apartment. Not asking the guy that had broken her ribs for comfort. She deserved so much better than someone like him being around her. Lucy shouldn't have to deal with the shit he brought to the table. If it wasn't the drugs, then it was something else. Voices, shadows, a fear of doctors. Tons of fears, actually. Tons of shit that could set him off, all because he was mentally unstable, and he always had been. There was too much wrong with him for her to be able to help. He knew that. It was why he'd done this. Why he'd been trying to get his fix in the bathroom.  _'I hurt her for drugs… I knew I was worthless…'_

Once Virgo was finished, she slowly packed everything back in the first aid kit, then lightly patted Lucy's knee. Leo wasn't happy about the amount of time that Lucy was spending with the Seith mage, but she saw it; Virgo saw what Leo usually couldn't. Or maybe what he refused to look for because of his own history with Bickslow. The souls of those who suffer, the ones that needed comfort and tending more than anything else. She might have been dubbed the virgin or the maiden, but Virgo never hid who she was. She felt the need to be punished, and asked others to do it. Pain was her release, in an odd sort of way. But these two… Bickslow, especially… They took the pain they felt and bottled it up. Lucy and Bickslow held on as tightly as possible to their perceived shortcomings, but, where Lucy was concerned, it was only mildly unhealthy. Bickslow though… He didn't let things go, and she could see it eating at his soul. He was worn down, and desperate to let it all go. She could see it in his conflicted gaze when hers locked with it. She saw  _him_. A terrified, lonely boy, starved for attention and affection, begging to be helped, loved, cared for. Virgo never understood humans' obsession with destroying themselves, but this man in particular... It was something more than that. He wanted help, wanted to be rid of this illness that he had, this addiction. He wanted it all to go away, and she could see that he was fighting to do it. It was why she would support Lucy in helping to get Bickslow clean. Her princess would always come first, but Lucy had made a promise to the mage, and by proxy - as far as the Maiden was concerned - so had she.

When Lucy heard Virgo in the bathroom, most likely cleaning up the broken needle and ridding her bathtub of every drop of the drugs she'd kept from Bickslow, she took a shuddering breath. Then another. Finally, she move forward and wrapped her arms around his waist, hoping with everything she was worth that he wouldn't push her away again. "I-I was so scared," she whimpered, struggling to pull more air into her lungs without causing herself more pain.

His eyes were wide, and he found himself just fucking sitting there. Here she was, holding him and begging for the comfort that he had no right to give her. He wouldn't let her down though. Not now. He was the reason she was hurt, the cause of her fear, but she still held onto him. Not only had he gotten her ankle hurt, gotten her almost raped, and torn a piece of her soul out with what she'd helped him do... Now, he was the one that had caused her physical harm. Slowly, Bickslow's arms wound around her and he nestled his nose in her slightly sweaty blonde locks. "I'm sorry," he whispered into the golden strands. "This is why I told you, I'm better off alone. Why do you even bother trying to help me? I just hurt everyone…"

"I can't just give up on you, Bickslow. I won't." She tilted her head up and gave him a pained smile. "I like you too much just to give up."

"I don't deserve it though," he said, grimacing and looking across the room. "I haven't done anything that's worth you giving a shit about me. You've done so damn much for me, when you don't owe me anything. What have I ever done for you?" He could feel it, that sudden shift in him. He hated it when this happened. When he started crashing. Going from desperately needing that next dose to wishing he was dead in a flash. "I'm worthless, Cosplayer."

Lucy's hand lifted and lightly brushed through the small tuft of blue hair on one side of his head, just above his ear. "You've done plenty for me, Bickslow," she said. "You're my friend." Didn't he know just how much it had meant to her that he'd been there when she needed him? Yes, if she hadn't been searching for his babies that night, then she never would have needed to cover up that murder with him. She wouldn't have been losing sleep over what had happened. But, when she needed someone, he was there for her. He'd been the one to take her to the toy store. Bickslow had held her, talked to her, and watched the sunset with her. He'd given her a sense of calm, even though he'd been high as hell. All the distractions of the guild were gone, but she wasn't alone. She had someone by her side. Someone that understood what had happened, and saw just how hard it was for her to hold herself together. Bickslow was her glue, whether he realized it or not - at least, where that horrible night was concerned.

Bickslow sighed. "I broke your ribs. Friends don't do that. And they don't make each other hide a damn dead body… And I know you hate it when I get all grabby while I'm high…" He didn't deserve to be anywhere near the blonde. "I hurt you just to get to a stupid needle…" He carefully pulled her arms from around him, then scooted back across the floor a few feet until his back was pressed to a wall. He hated himself for this, for what he was putting her through. It was just one more reason to add to the huge pile of self-hatred he'd already had since well before coming to Fiore, though.

Lucy frowned and crawled after him, watching as Bickslow pushed another stick of gum in his mouth. His hand flew to his neck, and he started scratching before catching himself and shaking out his hands. "Bickslow, you told me this could happen. You said you broke Laxus' nose once. And with how strong everyone says he is, I knew the risk of me getting hurt was higher."

"You should hate me," Bickslow said, his conflicted red eyes staring down at his hands. "Wh-Why don't you hate me?"

The five little souls floated close to the blonde, helping her stay upright when she wobbled slightly. She tenderly held his hands, felt how much they were trembling already, and smiled. "Because you're sweet and funny, and dorky and shy." She couldn't help but smile just a little wider when she saw a light flush dusting across his cheeks. "I like that about you. You really  _are_  a good friend. And what kind of friend would  _I_  be if I didn't try to help you?"

Bickslow found himself taking a shaky breath while he looked into her big doe eyes. He could see how much pain she was in. From her tight smiles to shallow breaths, her tense posture to her trembling hands. Still, she was drawing odd little shapes on the backs of his hands with her thumbs. Instead of saying anything - because really, what could he say to her at this point that wasn't just more of how big of a shitbag he was - Bickslow closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the wall with a soft thud. He wasn't sure how much time had passed before his eyes shot open again. Once he'd felt her lips lightly pressing against his cheek.

Lucy had never done something like that before. He'd kissed her cheeks, her hair, pretty much her whole damn face and neck. But she'd never done it back. She had hugged him, or run her fingers through his hair, or held his hands, but she'd never kissed him before. Her lips were so damn soft that all he wanted to do was find out just how she tasted, to feel them pressed to his own and moving slowly, passionately. He wanted to tease them, feel them everywhere. Just feathery little kisses, all over the place.  _'God, that'd be amazing…'_  He couldn't help but stare at her in shock when she pulled back, and noticed the light blush that lit up her face and made her glow. "Why'd you do that?"

Lucy let out a small giggle. "Maybe I thought you needed it…" She let out a soft sigh when Bickslow shifted so she was sitting between his legs, then let him pull her into a more comfortable position with her head against his chest. His arms were draped over his knees, but she saw his fingers twitching ever so slightly. Thankfully, Lucy's legs were curled up off to her side instead of under her, so her ankle wasn't hurting nearly as much now that the pressure had been taken off of it. Her eyes slid closed, and she frowned when she heard just how quickly his heart was pounding. "You don't need those drugs, Bickslow," she whispered. "You really don't."

He shook his head. "I… I don't… But, I feel like I do…"

"Do you wanna know what you need instead?" she asked. When he shrugged, she said, "Someone that's on your side and won't give up on you."

"Where am I gonna find someone like that? My best friend ditched me... No one could be closer than that..."

* * *

_**I wish that I could feel** _   
_**I think I'd like the pain** _

* * *

Lucy had been thinking about it ever since they had watched the sunset. A whole day, spent trying to figure out just how she was going to help Bickslow. He'd done so much for her, even if he didn't realize it. She needed to repay him, and she wanted to make things easier for him.

_"He's not used to people being nice to him..."_

She remembered making breakfast for the two of them, and how happy Bickslow had seemed. How surprised he was that she went out of her way to do something for him. Had Bickslow really gone so long without something as simple as a breakfast being cooked for him? It shouldn't have been that important, but it seemed like just that one small thing had brightened up his whole day. And the next day, when she'd cooked breakfast again, it was exactly the same.

" _Things don't hurt when I'm using, Cosplayer. I-I'm not… Lonely… It's easier to just forget everything like that…"_

" _I wanted to kill myself, Cosplayer. That's why I took that shit before you found me. I didn't wanna be here without him."_

" _If I'm not high, I wanna kill myself. I always do."_

_"I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to forget about everything. I wanted to disappear… I never wanted this. I never wanted to be this way… And now I'm just garbage... I'm broken as hell, and there's no fixing me. Not now. Just… You're really sweet to try, and… I just wanted you to know that I won't blame you when you decide to give up on me."_

Lucy had never really considered just how lonely Bickslow would have been. She didn't know a whole lot of anything about his past, but it seemed like he was trying to run away from it. Maybe he just didn't have anything else to look forward to. Nothing else to motivate him to stay clean.

But she wasn't going to give up on him. There had to be something that she could do to show Bickslow that there was more to life than the drugs. He needed to be reminded that the world wasn't always dark and dreary. He wasn't garbage, and he wasn't broken. He was just lost. Lonely. Confused. There had to be something that she could do for him. Something that Laxus hadn't tried. Telling Bickslow to call her would only get them so far. He needed something to push him to call her. To come to her for help. Anything...

" _... Sometimes I think that being with you will rub off on me. Then I can be happy and all that. Not alone. Just… Happy. I don't know what it's like anymore… Feeling like that. I haven't for a long time."_

Was that something that would work though? Being around her? Bickslow spending time with her? If they were together, then he wouldn't feel lonely. He would feel needed, appreciated. She could show him that there wasn't anything wrong with him, and that there were other ways to deal with how he was feeling than using meth. Lucy wanted Bickslow to be happy. They were nakama, so of course she wanted him to be happy. But, he was her friend, too. And that meant that she was going to do anything, try anything (within reason) to help him stop.

_"I love cuddles... I've only ever really cuddled with my babies. No one's close enough to let me… No one wants me to do that with them… Because I'm a freak. Why do you think I love being around you? You don't make me feel like a freak, or crazy, or anything like that… You're the first person I've ever done this with. I love cuddling with you, Cosplayer."_

She was the first person to cuddle with him. The first one that made him feel like he had a safe place to be himself, in a sense.  _'If we're together…'_ Lucy wanted to save him from this. He had saved her from that junkie, and now she was going to return the favor. She was going to save him from himself, and from the destructive path that he was on. There was only one thing she could think of to bring him closer.

She had to do it. There was just no other way. They needed to be closer than just friends. She would do that for him.  _'If he has someone that cares, if he's dating someone that wants him to stay clean… Maybe that will help him.'_  It would give him a reason to smile, something to live for. They could spend time together, and Bickslow could see what he was missing before. Lucy didn't harbor any romantic feelings for him, and part of her thought it was wrong to do something like that. But the fact of the matter was, she thought it would be easier to get him clean, and for Bickslow to feel like he  _could_  get clean, if he had someone that was rooting for him. Someone close.  _'We can date, keep things simple, and when he's clean… When he's clean, he won't need me to be a crutch for him. He can do whatever he wants, once he's off the drugs for good. And we can go back to being friends.'_

* * *

_**But none of this is real  
Cause I don't feel a thing** _

* * *

"Well," Lucy finally said, "I guess you'll just have to ask the right question." When he grunted in acknowledgement, she pulled one of his hands down from where it was over his knee, then slowly laced their fingers together. Hopefully, she wouldn't need to spell it all out for him. Because she was blushing up a storm. Lucy didn't exactly have a lot in the way of experience where dating was concerned. Well, not where something like what she was planning on doing was concerned. She wasn't a virgin by any stretch of the imagination - not that she was planning on letting things between her and Bickslow get that far - but there had only been two guys that she'd dated. And then she'd given up on relationships for a while. She just didn't have the time for it. A little fling here or there, sure. But she would make time for Bickslow. It was the only way this could happen. Besides, they were in the same guild, so she was more likely to see him there as well. This would work, she would make sure of that.

Bickslow's eyebrows pushed together while he stared at their hands. This was something he was used to Lucy doing, but what she'd said made him think there was more to it. He wondered if she was really hinting at what he was thinking. That couldn't be it though.  _'No, definitely not... She wouldn't wanna do that...'_ Hesitantly, he squeezed her hand, then smiled when she squeezed right back. Maybe he was being ridiculous, but this was some seriously lovey dovey shit. Something that a couple would do. But they weren't a couple.

" _You look like a couple though,"_  the totems silently giggled.

" _A cute one,"_  Popo sighed wistfully.

"Any hints?" Bickslow asked, watching as she turned to face him with a sweet smile.

"Ask me in one week."

"Huh?"

Lucy rolled her eyes playfully and laughed. "If you can make it that long without anything, no relapses at all…" She paused and felt her cheeks heating up. She had never outright told someone to ask her out before. "Then I'll know you're serious. And… I'll say yes."

"You'll say yes to…" Bickslow's eyes widened when Lucy leaned up and kissed his cheek again, then settled her head on his chest. She was serious! She wanted him to ask her out… "Why though? I'm a fuck-up, Cosplayer. I already know I won't make it…"

"Not with that attitude, you won't. Small bits of motivation, Bickslow. You can do it, and I'll help you get there."

"How?"

"By reminding you that there's more than just the drugs. I know you'll have hiccups along the way. You won't get better overnight, and that's fine." She gave him a small, pained smile. "Is that something you want though?"

He nodded quickly. "I wanna get better. I don't want to keep doing this shit..."

"That's good," she laughed, "But I meant asking. Do you...  _want_  to ask me that?"

Bickslow grinned and nodded. "Yeah," he said, a surprised laugh spilling from him, "I do." He sighed and smiled down at Lucy. "And… And you'll say yes… In a week?" he asked softly.

"As long as I see that you're serious about this, then yes."

"You... You'll go out with me..." he whispered incredulously. He still couldn't believe it, that she really wanted to be in a relationship with him. "One week, and you'll..." She smiled up at him, her eyes glimmering with happiness, and he shook his head. He couldn't stop smiling though. "Wow..."

"Don't be so surprised, Bickslow," she laughed. "I'm not  _that_  special."

"You are though. You... You actually wanna be with someone like  _me_. And you wanna help me, Cosplayer." He shook his head again, then ran a hand through his hair. "Damn... I don't think I've ever wanted to stay clean more in my life..."

"Well, I'm glad I can help motivate you. This is day one. Starting today, you've got one week to show me that you really want to get clean. And, at the end of day seven..." She gave him a brilliant smile. "Ask me to be your girlfriend."

Even though he was ecstatic, he still couldn't stop thinking about what would happen if he messed up. He needed to stay sober for the next week. A whole week… How the hell was he supposed to do that? Yeah, the reward at the end of it, being able to ask Lucy out, was definitely some serious motivation, but… "What if... What if I fuck up..." he whispered worriedly.

"We'll see if that happens, Bickslow. Don't think about the what-ifs, just think about what you can do at the end of seven days. That's not that long, right?"

He shrugged, looking at their joined hands. "I guess not... It seems like a lifetime though. Seven days of  _nothing_... After... Well, I haven't been clean for a while..."

"If I wanted you to fail, I would have said that you had to wait until my ribs are healed. That's six weeks." He visibly shuddered, and she lightly squeezed his hand. "See? One week is a lot easier in comparison, huh?"

"Yeah..." he said with a smirk. "That  _is_  easier…" How the hell had she been able to make him feel happy like this? Hell fucking yes, he wanted to date her. Lucy was gorgeous, downright fucking edible-looking every time he saw her. She was sweet and everything that he never really deserved to have. But, if she wanted to be with him… Who was he to say no?

Did he really have feelings for her? No. Not in the slightest. He could see how somebody would be really into her though. Bickslow just saw Lucy as a really great friend. Probably the same way Natsu saw her, when he thought about it.

Still, he needed her. Bickslow needed her to keep his ass in line. She could be his life preserver, keeping his head above water when he felt like he was drowning. Maybe having Lucy as a girlfriend would make things easier. He wouldn't feel so alone. He'd be able to feel like someone cared about him. She'd be able to get him to stop using. He could get clean! It wouldn't be so bad if he called his girlfriend when he needed help. Sure, when people found out that they were dating, he'd have some guys - or most of them, probably - hating his ass, but they could go fuck themselves. He'd have the hottest chick in the guild on his arm.  _Him_ of all people.

This wasn't about love for Bickslow, though. He wasn't sure if he even really knew how to love anyone. Well, his babies were the exception. He'd always love them. But a person? Someone that he could hold, or fall asleep next to? Someone he could kiss, that couldn't instantly hear what he was thinking about? Someone that was willing to be with him, knowing the kind of shit he was doing, and that he was trying to stop?

 _Could_  he care about her? Definitely.

Did he? As a friend, yeah.

As something more? No. Not yet. Maybe he never would. Or maybe he'd grow so attached to her that she decided to leave him because he was suffocating her…

" _You already tried suffocating her once, remember?"_ his babies laughed.  _"She hasn't run away yet."_

" _That's not the same, babies. What if this doesn't work?"_

" _Then you can still be friends,"_  Papa said.

" _Yeah, it's not like she's asking you to get down on one knee and propose,"_ Pipi added.

" _Cosplayer just wants to date you,"_  Pupu said softly.

" _She wants the D,"_  Popo laughed.  _"She wants it so bad."_

" _Popo…"_  the totems sighed heavily.

" _Bickslow..."_  Pepe nudged his side slightly, making sure not to draw any attention to itself from the blonde,  _"You don't like her that way, do you…"_

" _I dunno… She's pretty, and sweet… And she seems to care about me… And… She's nice to me."_

" _But, do you like her as more than a friend?"_ Pepe asked.

Bickslow paused, then frowned. He didn't. Lucy was sexy, and she got his blood boiling in all the right ways, but… That was just physical. He saw the other positive things about her, though.  _"Maybe? I don't know. She's sexy though. Really sexy."_

Pepe silently laughed, then rolled against Bickslow's side.  _"Well, when I was alive, that's how me and Bea got together. She was a sexy little thing, and I was trying to get into her pants."_

" _Wow, Pepe…"_  the totems drawled.

" _Shut up! It worked! But that's not the point."_

" _Then what's the point?"_  Bickslow asked curiously.

" _The point is,"_ Pepe said, its silent voice filled with fondness,  _"I got close to her and found out how amazing she was - aside from the fact that she was really into anal…"_

" _Oh my god… TMI, Pepe,"_  Pupu huffed.

" _Anyway, I fell in love with her,"_ Pepe laughed.  _"It was all physical when it started out, but I took a chance and opened up to her, and when I found out the kind of person she really was… I fell head over heels for Bea. And we had a beautiful little girl... That could happen to you too, Bickslow. Lucy could be your Bea…"_

" _But what if I do, and it doesn't work out?"_  Bickslow asked.  _"She'll leave me like Laxus did… And then I'll be alone again…"_ Maybe Lucy would become that one special person in his life, someone that he fell in love with. It was a scary thought though. He'd never been in love. Hell, he'd never dated anyone before. Just a casual fuck whenever he was in the mood - which was pretty often, considering how excitable he was while he was high. Still, he was a little wary. He didn't want to fall for Lucy, and then have it all taken away when he fucked up.

" _She'll still be your friend,"_ the little souls said, their silent voices soft and reassuring.  _"And you'll never really be alone. You still have us."_

Papa bumped into Bickslow's foot.  _"And, if you're heart gets broken, we'll put it back together. It'll be alright."_

When Bickslow seemed to be lost in thought, Lucy sighed softly. "Don't overthink it, okay?" she whispered. "Technically, you've only got six days left. Today's almost over."

"Laxus always said to take it one day at a time..." he said sadly.

"That's some pretty good advice. Work on one day, and at the end of the day you'll see how much closer you are," she said, her voice filled with encouragement. "At the end of the second, you've got two days under your belt, and only a few more to go."

"Yeah... That worked  _really_  well before..." he muttered.

"Then how about hours? Twenty-four hours are in a day, and if you sleep for eight of them, then you've only got sixteen left." It made things sound more complicated that way, but she just wanted Bickslow to see that it wasn't that bad. If he found a way to break down what he needed to do into something that was manageable, then it wouldn't seem like such a daunting task. Just one step at a time. Even those pamphlets she'd read said it. Keep the goals small, easy to manage. Bickslow needed to find a way to not overwhelm himself with how long it was until he was able to ask her out, just focus on how much time had passed since he had used. He could do that, she was sure of it. She shrugged, and hissed in pain as her ribs protested the small action. She had actually forgotten about that…

"Or I can just try to help  _you_  out," Bickslow said. "I still can't believe I broke your ribs…"

She waved him off with a small laugh. "My ribs got banged up on my mission. If it was a normal day, I would've been fine… Maybe."

"What happened anyway?"

"Virgo dropped a boulder on me," she deadpanned. When he gaped at her, she sighed and shook her head. "Well, Aquarius threw me into a wall first,  _then_  Virgo dropped the boulder on me. That's not really her fault though. Aquarius hit her with the water too, so it knocked her off balance. I got the full reward though! So, that's a plus!"

He chuckled while his babies laughed and whirled around their heads, cheering the blonde on for her success. "You're too optimistic, Cosplayer."

"Nah, didn't you know? I'm made of rainbows and sunshine. I even shit glitter on a good day." She smiled when he started laughing. Bickslow had been the one to say that she was all rainbows and sunshine, when they were sitting on top of the toy store. Maybe he didn't remember it, or maybe he really did and that was what made it funnier. Either way, she wasn't really the happy person that everyone saw. Not all the time, at least. "It's fabulous."

"And sparkly, I'm sure."

Lucy put on her best serious face, her eyebrows drawing together and her full lips pushing out into a pouty frown. "Blindingly so. My toilet looks like a damn rave. All it's missing are glowsticks, some happy-hardcore, and a bunch of kids wearing neon fur on X."

"Maybe you should invest in some glowsticks," he chuckled. "I'll get you the tunes, and... I'd say forget about the trollers, though."

"I should," Lucy sighed while laying her head on Bickslow's chest again. A small smile curved her lips when his arms wrapped around her. "Maybe I could even start up my own crafting business."

"Lucy's Glitter Shits," he mused with a smirk. "It's got a nice ring to it." He found himself laughing along with her, although he wasn't able to see her wincing as their laughter died down.

"I like you like this," she sighed happily. She turned her head slightly and looked up at him, noticing a faint green glow flickering in his irises as his hands twitched again. He was crashing. He had to be. Bickslow looked tired already, and if he was in the process of starting to come down, then she knew it wouldn't be long before he was out like a light. "You're much more fun this way."

Bickslow grinned at her, then leaned down and lightly kissed her cheek. It was innocent, and that was exactly what she needed. If he was going to go out with Lucy, then he'd need to dial back on his perviness with her. He didn't want her to pull away because she was uncomfortable. "Thanks, Lucy," he whispered, his lips brushing over the slightly flushed skin he'd just kissed. "I think I like me like this too…"

* * *

_**The sun has set on me** _   
_**The sun, it sets me free** _   
_**The sun has set on me...** _

__


	10. My Demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Starset: My Demons

**_Mayday! Mayday!_ **   
**_The ship is slowly sinking_ **   
**_They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling_ **

* * *

"Bickslow, are you sure you will be alright?" Freed asked as Evergreen leaned heavily against him. "You don't look well."

He nodded quickly, his eyes downcast beneath his visor. "Yeah," he muttered. "I'm really sorry, Ever…"

"Sorry," his totems echoed sadly. "Sorry…"

The Fairy mage gave him a pained smile and patted his arm gently. "It's alright, Bickslow. It's just a couple stitches. I'll rest up and be good as new soon enough." When he stayed silent, her smile faded into a look of concern. "Hey, are you alright? You've been really quiet lately."

He nodded again, slower this time. "Yeah, I just… You got hurt because of me… If Laxus was here, then-"

"But he's  _not_  here," Freed said firmly, helping Evergreen limp off of the train and onto the platform in Magnolia. "We must learn to work together without him, Bickslow. He isn't coming back."

"I know!" Bickslow snapped. "Fuck, Freed! You don't need to fucking remind me…" He grimaced and shouldered past his teammates, walking quickly away from the station.

"Bickslow, wait!" the totems shouted, flying off after him.

Evergreen scowled and smacked the Rune mage with her fan. "Why did you have to say that?" she hissed. "You know he's still upset about it."

Freed's brow drew together as he watched Bickslow disappear into the crowd. "I just meant…" He sighed and shook his head, carefully leading the Fairy mage to Fairy Hills so she could rest. "We're all upset that Laxus is gone, but… It has been a month, and he has yet to contact any of us. Have you tried calling him?"

Evergreen nodded. "Every day," she whispered. "He always answers when I call, but…"

"He hasn't."

She sighed and looked toward the setting sun. Their team just wasn't the same without Laxus. And it was because Bickslow wasn't the same without him there. He was still energetic for the most part, but he'd clearly been distracted during the mission. It was their first mission as a team without the Slayer. Their first mission in years that wasn't an S-Class. And the first mission since Bickslow had woken up from his coma. It wasn't supposed to be that difficult, but with the lack of extra muscle that Laxus provided, along with Bickslow clearly not being a hundred percent… Everything had gone wrong. Freed had barely had time to put up his runes before the enemies had arrived. She had been the bait, but there was a man that was immune to her petrifying gaze. Everything went wrong, but they were still able to get through it.

"I have asked Master Makarov if Laxus has contacted him," Freed said softly, "But he has informed me that… He doesn't expect anything. In fact, he hopes that Laxus doesn't do it."

"But why?" she asked. "We need him. Bickslow  _obviously_  needs him…"

"I do not know," Freed sighed. "Did… Did Laxus ever tell you what his medical condition is? The one that has put him in the hospital before…"

"No," she huffed. "And when I asked Bickslow about it, he just brushed it off. There's something really wrong, Freed."

He nodded slowly. "Would you like to stop by his apartment?" he asked. "Maybe we can get him to talk to us…"

She nodded quickly, leaning more heavily against the Rune mage. "Yeah. I'm really worried about him…"

Freed carefully led Evergreen through Magnolia, taking side streets to avoid the crowds in the marketplace. "What do you think it could be?" he whispered, pausing in his step and lifting Evergreen into his arms. She squawked and hit him with her fan again, but he simply stared at her blankly before continuing on their way. "Epilepsy could explain the seizure…"

"Or maybe…" Evergreen sighed and rolled her eyes. "I don't know, Freed. Whatever it is though… I think Laxus was keeping it under wraps for a reason. I just don't get why he wouldn't tell us about it before he left."

Freed sighed and stayed silent for the rest of the walk. It was nearly dark by the time they reached the apartment building Bickslow lived in, and he carefully set Evergreen down on the steps while he opened the door. Once they were inside, he walked over to apartment B, and knocked sharply.

There was no response.

Freed knocked again. "Bickslow? We need to talk to you…"

Evergreen sighed and shook her head. "Freed, he's not going to answer."

"It is possible he went to the guild," he supplied while turning to help the brunette back out to the street.

"And if he's there, then we can't talk to him about it," she huffed, glaring at her companion when she was lifted into his arms again. "Natsu and Gajeel will hear it, no matter how quiet we are… Besides, I look horrible."

Freed chuckled. "You look beautiful, as always, Evergreen. But I will escort you home, if you would prefer resting." When she nodded and leaned her head against his shoulder, he let out a soft sigh.

He was truly worried for Bickslow. There was something they were missing, and it was starting to affect him even more. Bickslow had never been like that on a mission before. He had been distant, detached. He had been nervous. Constantly wringing his hands or tapping his feet. Tension had radiated from him, but Freed had assumed it was simply that Bickslow was concerned about not being ready for a mission so soon after being released from the hospital. Or that they didn't have Laxus with them. Maybe it was both, but what had happened… Freed never would have thought that Bickslow could get so distracted during a mission. He was always so focused while they were facing off against enemies. Yes, he joked around and laughed in fights, even while taking bone-crunching blows, but this time…

This time, Bickslow was silent. Brooding. He'd been sweating and twitchy, chewing more and more gum as the days went on. Two days, they'd been on the mission. Just two. It was short in comparison to what they'd done before, with Laxus. They would have gone on a mission sooner, but Lucy had called Freed to let him know that Bickslow was spending some time at her apartment for a couple days. She hadn't wanted him or Evergreen to worry about Bickslow disappearing again.

He just couldn't understand how Laxus disappearing would make Bickslow act this way. All three of the Raijinshuu members were devoted to the blond, in their own ways. Freed was clearly more outspoken about it all, but Bickslow was the closest to him. Was that why this was happening? Because the Seith mage wasn't able to contact Laxus? There had to be more to this. Laxus being gone just didn't explain Bickslow's actions.

As Fairy Hills came into view, Freed looked down at Evergreen and gave her a small smile. "We will find a way to help him," he whispered.

"Maybe we should ask Lucy," Evergreen mused. "She's been spending time with him, so maybe she knows what's going on."

Freed set the Fairy mage down at the entryway. "When we see her at the guild," he said with a nod. He knocked on the door to the girls' dormitory, then sighed as the older woman that ran the place - and ensured that no males were granted entry - pulled the door open. "Evergreen will need assistance in reaching her room, ma'am. I have come to escort her as far as you will allow."

"No boys allowed," she sniffed.

"Very well." Freed turned to Evergreen. "I will be by tomorrow. Please call when you are ready."

Evergreen smiled softly. "You've got it, Freed. Thanks."

"It is no trouble at all." Freed nodded to the older woman, then turned and made his way back toward his own apartment in the center of Magnolia. They would find a way to help Bickslow. They had to.

* * *

_**They're all around me,** _   
_**Circling like vultures** _   
_**They wanna break me** _   
_**And wash away my colors** _

* * *

' _This is all your fault.'_

' _Worthless idiot.'_

' _Look at you. Can't even handle a simple mission.'_

Bickslow's hands clenched at his sides and he darted down an alley, leaning heavily against the wall. He'd been walking for half an hour by that point, and all he could hear were voices. Whispers of doubt, placing the blame on him for what had happened. "Sh-Shut up," he whispered.

' _You need it… Don't deny it.'_

' _Just do it. It'll make the pain stop.'_

' _Stupid piece of shit. You can't do anything right, can you?'_

"I s-said shut up… Shut up, shut up…" Bickslow slid down the wall, his hands held to his head. "Babies… Make it stop…"

The totems hovered in front of him worriedly. "Bickslow, it's not real."

' _Isn't it? I feel pretty real…'_

' _Ha! He's gonna cry!'_

It wasn't his fault that he couldn't focus on the mission. The drugs made him focus. They helped push everything else to the side so he could finish the job. He was faster, stronger, more agile while stoned out of his fucking mind. He wasn't afraid of anything, and nothing could hurt him. Everyone else just moved so slowly while he was all geeked out and flailing like a son of a bitch.

But Evergreen had gotten hurt, because he was supposed to go with her while Freed tried to rush through the last of his runes. "I was supposed to have her back," Bickslow whispered. And he didn't. He stood there like a fucking idiot, until Pipi started yelling at him that Papa and the others were trying to help her. He'd rushed off, and transferred Popo into one of the guys' crossbows, then the others into his bolts. Each of the enemies got a shot to the foot or hand to incapacitate them.

Then he heard her crying out in pain. He'd turned and saw blood pouring down her leg, and an arrow sticking through her slender calf. Instead of finding out where it came from, Bickslow rushed over to her and promptly flipped his shit that she was bleeding. His head was almost taken off because of it, but his babies had stopped it.

Freed was finished just in time, and came to take out the enemies. He did all the work. Bickslow just got in the way.

' _Of course you did. You're always in the way.'_

' _Hey, isn't that what they used to say about you back home?'_

"Shut up… Don't talk about that," Bickslow whimpered. His eyes clamped shut and he started rocking back and forth, his trembling hands balled into fists as he hit the wall. "D-Don't…"

"Bickslow," Pupu said sadly. "What's wrong?"

"What doesn't he want to remember?" Popo whispered to the others.

Bickslow slammed his head back into the wall, hoping to get the images in his head to vanish. To just leave him right the fuck alone. He didn't need to remember it.

#

_She flipped her long blue hair to one side and huffed, "God, will you just get out of the way? Go do your homework, or something. I'm busy."_

" _But, Mom…" Bickslow whimpered. "I-I'm hungry…"_

" _You know where the stove is. Have fun."_

" _B-But…" His stomach groaned. "I can't reach the thing to turn it on."_

" _Shit, Joy... Since when did we raise a goddamn crybaby?" The man sat back, counting out the deep green bills in quick succession. "Bickslow, get the fuck outta here!"_

" _I-I just… I'm hungry… Dad, can you-"_

" _Go away!" his parents bellowed. Bickslow ran to his room, tears in his eyes as he slammed the door shut. He would go without food again… It was only the third day, after all…_

#

"No," Bickslow whispered. "N-No, don't think about it… Fuck… Just… Ever's alright… She's fine. It's just a couple stitches. Just a couple. She's alright. Everyone's alright."

"Bickslow," the totems hummed, their worry growing as he started rambling. "You should call Lucy."

"Can't," he said, shaking his head quickly. "Sh-She can't see me like this… It… I'll scare her away…"

"She won't be scared of you," Pepe said gently. "She wants to help."

' _Lies… Don't listen to them. She doesn't want to help.'_

' _There's nothing wrong with you.'_

' _Hey, isn't that Axel? Oh, hell yeah!'_

Bickslow shook his head and kept his eyes shut. He didn't need his dealer. No, he could do this. He could! "N-No, just… Just shut up," he whispered. His skin was crawling again. The voices were egging him on, and he knew it. Pushing him to rush off and get just a little. It's all he needed. Just a shot… He didn't have needles though. He'd need to get more…

"Bickslow," Pipi whimpered. "You've only got a couple days left."

"You've gone five days without it," Papa said gently. "You can do it."

"F-Five days…" Had it really been that long? He'd gone five whole days without using. Five… That was more than he had in a long while… Well, without being in the hospital. Five days of being out and about, and he hadn't used. He was doing great!

' _C'mon, dumbass! Just go see him! You just got paid for that job… You know you want it.'_

' _Yeah, the job that you almost failed. Idiot.'_

' _Heh, look at him… He wants it. Don't you… You want it so bad…'_

"No, I don't," Bickslow ground out. "I don't…"

' _You could've gotten everyone killed…'_

' _All because you didn't have shit on you.'_

' _You're nothing without it. Nothing…'_

Bickslow shook his head when they started laughing. They were wrong. He was something. He was green. "I-I'm green… I'm…" He stared down at his hands, at the little pinky nail that Lucy had painted. The one that stood out so proudly from the other black nails, and shone more brilliantly because of it. She liked the way he was without all the layers. He was special. He was…

' _There's nothing special about you.'_

' _You're delusional…'_

' _Crazy, actually.'_

"I'm not c-crazy… I'm not…"

#

_The doctor walked into the exam room. "You know why you're here, don't you?"_

" _N-No…" Bickslow whimpered. "I wanna go home."_

" _Well, that can't happen just yet."_

" _This thing itches…"_

" _That's to keep the other patients safe, Bickslow. You could hurt them."_

" _I-I wouldn't do that. Papa will tell you. He… He'll tell you. I'm good. I promise."_

" _There's no one there, Bickslow."_

" _Th-There is! Papa will t-tell you! I'm n-not crazy!"_

" _He needs to be sedated," the doctor sighed, turning and walking away. "You'll get better, Bickslow…"_

" _I'm… not…" His vision blurred when there was a pinprick in his neck. "No… S-Stop…"_

#

Bickslow's eyes shot open when he heard someone calling his name. "No," he whispered to himself, watching as the slim man with shaggy moss-green hair sauntered over to him, rolling up his sleeves and showing off the large black chimera tribal tattoo on his forearm. "No, don't come over here… Please…"

"Hey, man. Annie's got some apple pie."

" _Don't do it, Bickslow,"_  the totems silently whispered.

"H-Hey, Axel… Uh, I'm good…"

Axel raised a brow, leaning against the opposite wall. "You sure? Fresh baked. I'll give you a slice if you want. On the house."

Bickslow frowned as he looked up at the man across the alley. "Why?"

He shrugged. "Too much pie. Whaddya say?" He chuckled and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Nice and hot, too."

' _Look at that. You don't even have to spend any Jewels!'_

' _Pretty sweet deal.'_

' _He must really like you, Bickslow…'_

"Um… N-No," Bickslow stuttered. He had to turn the guy down. He had to. Lucy was counting on him. She was waiting for him to make it a whole week.  _'I can do it,'_  he thought.  _'I'll say no, and that's that… I won't shoot up…'_

"Really?" Axel asked, cocking his head to the side. "You look like you really need some pie though. It'd do you some good, man. Get some sugar in you."

"N-No, I…" Bickslow took a shaky breath, his eyes widening when a capped needle landed on the ground between his legs, rolling back across the alley a little ways until it hit his foot.

"Not much, I know," Axel sighed. "But you can trust me. This shit's clean. Filtered it myself."

Bickslow looked up at the green-haired man. "I-I don't… I don't use anyone's needles though."

He chuckled. "I know, man. That one's fresh. You've got my word." He shook his head while glancing to one side of the alley, then the other. "You're Annie's favorite, y'know? She'd beat my ass if I let something happen to ya. Almost took my head off when she found out you got a Suicide."

Bickslow pulled his feet closer to himself. "I-I don't want it… T-Take it back."

"Nah," Axel said, one corner of his mouth turning up into a small smile. "It's a gift. Special taste of Annie's new batch. She's cooking a lot these days." He turned and started walking towards the mouth of the alley, back to where he came from. "See you around, Crazy Eyes."

* * *

_**Take me high and I'll sing** _   
_**You make everything okay** _   
_**We are one and the same** _   
_**You take all of the pain away** _

* * *

Bickslow whimpered as Axel's footsteps faded into nothingness. He looked over to see the guy was gone. He'd vanished just as quickly as he had appeared.

"Bickslow," Popo said angrily. "That guy's an asshole. Just smash it."

"Yeah. Or let us do it," Pipi chirped.

"We can go see Lucy," Pupu whispered. "She'll make it better."

Bickslow slowly reached forward, his hand quivering as he tried to grasp the little glass cylinder. He could hear his blood pounding through his veins, his heart racing as his anxiety peaked. He didn't want it. He really didn't. His babies were right. They could go see Lucy, and she would make it better. He didn't need to use this shit to get by.

' _Are you sure about that?'_

' _Isn't she another person you hurt? You almost got her raped…'_

' _You broke her ribs…'_

' _Made her cry…'_

' _She sprained her ankle because of you.'_

' _Dumbass… She doesn't want to be with you. She'll hear about Evergreen, and realize what you already know…'_

' _You're not worth her time.'_

' _Remember what Loke said? Lunatic…'_

"What would Lucy say?" Papa asked as Bickslow lifted the needle into the air.

He looked at the needle, tipping it from one side to the other and watching the few milliliters of clear liquid. "She'd say… I-I don't need it."

He could practically hear her soft, musical voice whispering to him on the wind. Smell her coconut and lime body wash, or perfume, or shampoo.  _"You don't need all those layers, Bickslow. We just have to find you a top coat."_

"And she would be proud," Pepe said, pushing the hand the held the needle further away from his face. "She'll be so proud that you said no, Bickslow."

"Yeah, that's why we should go see her." Popo gently nudged Bickslow's side.

He winced. She would see that he was struggling though. Lucy wanted him to be strong, and stay clean. Then they could start dating. She didn't need to be his crutch. He didn't have to make her into something like that. Maybe he could really have an honest-to-god relationship with her. They could get closer, and maybe… Maybe he'd fall in love. He'd find out just who she was inside, and it could strike a chord with him. And then…

' _Then you'll live happily ever after?'_

' _I thought you hated those stupid romance movies.'_

' _Titanic, here we come!'_

' _I'll never let go, Jack! Oops… My hand slipped…'_

Bickslow's grip tightened on the needle. "Shut up. I don't have to listen to you…"

"Bickslow, no…" the totems whispered.

His eyes closed and he shook his head quickly. "Hold on, babies… Just… I can't think straight…" Dozens of disembodied voices in the air around him, millions of bugs beneath his skin, ghosts from the past. "S-Stop talking… Please…"

Around and around and around. Spiralling and making him dizzy. He felt sick to his stomach, to be honest. Evergreen… Lucy… Laxus… Everything he'd fucked up hit him from every angle. He was his brain's own shitty little punching bag. Back and forth, over and over.

Around.

And around.

And around…

Bickslow's eyes opened slowly while he pulled the needle from his arm. With how his heart had been pounding, it shot through him even faster. The rush. That amazing high… He chuckled right along with the voices as they drifted away. Each rapid thump of his heart, the pulse of his veins thrumming with his little dose of medicine. He was all better now… All better…

"Bickslow... Why…" Papa said, his little voice tinged with sadness. "Why did you do that?"

"She's gonna be so upset..." Pepe added.

Pupu sighed. "Bickslow, you said…"

"... You wouldn't..." Popo finished.

"Now you can't ask her out..." Pipi whispered.

He grinned and dropped the needle to the ground, his head lolling back against the wall. Licking his lips, Bickslow felt… amazing. "But now I'm flying," he whispered. "Whoosh!" This batch was even better than what he normally got. Cleaner. More potent.

"Best apple pie ever," Bickslow laughed as he stood up. He looked down when his totems didn't rise along with him, then sighed and put them in his pockets. "C'mon, babies," he chuckled. "Let's go have some fun…"

* * *

_**I cannot stop this sickness taking over  
It takes control and drags me into nowhere** _

* * *

Bickslow grimaced and licked his chapped lips, feeling the chilled night air brushing against his face and hands. Wherever he was at, it was uncomfortable as hell.  _'Damn, did I sleep with my visor on again?'_  There was a slight weight that was pushing against his shoulder in quick bursts, causing him to groan and turn his head away. He didn't feel like dealing with this shit. Not at all.

"Oh, thank god you're okay," Lucy whispered.

His eyes cracked open slowly, and he was greeted with the sight of the sweet blonde that should have ditched his ass a long time ago, looking down at him with wide, worried eyes, and her hair hanging in full, thick waves around her face. He could see the night sky above him, but no buildings in his peripherals through the slats of his visor.  _'I must be on a roof again…'_ But he remembered what happened. Oh boy, did he fucking remember it…

Trying with everything he was worth to not shoot up. Axel throwing a prepped needle at him, the bastard. Trying to ignore the voices and everything else. Pulling out the needle…

#

" _Woohoo, this is so much fun!" Bickslow shouted as he bounded across the rooftop and leapt into the air. He miscalculated and hit his ribs on a fire escape, but it didn't matter. It didn't hurt all that much. He grinned when he saw the dimly lit alley a few blocks away, the bright blue light sitting outside one of the doors signalling just what the place was._

_A warehouse. Not just any warehouse though. That little blue light was all he needed to know he'd be having a really good fucking time soon._

" _I could go for a good round or two," he chuckled to himself, dropping down from the fire escape and walking briskly to his new destination. It didn't take any time at all to get there, and even less time for the door man to grant him entry. He was a regular, after all. Well, not as regular as most of the other people, but he was here once every month or so. Just for fun._

" _Come back for more, huh?" Axel chuckled._

" _Not from you, man," Bickslow laughed. "My Cosplayer's gonna be_ _ **so**_ _fucking pissed when she finds out… I told her I'd be going the whole week without it."_

" _A cosplayer?" the moss-haired man asked, whistling when Bickslow nodded. "Didn't know you were into those."_

_Bickslow grinned, eyeing the crowd around them. "Sexy little blonde cheerleader with a whip. How the fuck do you say no to that? Sir Mixalot knew what the hell he was talking about though… That's for sure."_

" _Damn… You're lucky."_

" _Luck's got nothin' to do with it," Bickslow answered, his arm draping over Axel's shoulders. "I'm a man of skill."_

" _Well, I sure hope you'll put some of that skill to use tonight, Crazy Eyes," a thin woman with sleek, raven hair down to her hips said as she sashayed up to the two men._

" _Annie!" Bickslow laughed, instantly letting go of Axel and wrapping his arms around her. "I love your pie!"_

_She laughed and shook her head as she was spun in a circle by the mage. "I run the best bakery in town. You know that."_

" _Hell yeah, I do!" Bickslow's gaze swept over the crowd again. "Good night to make some Jewels though, right?"_

" _I'd say so," Annie answered, nodding to Axel and sending him on his way. She looped one arm around Bickslow's and led him further into the crowd. "Well, for you…"_

" _Sweet. I wanna get my Cosplayer somethin' nice…" He grinned down at her surprised expression. "She's a fucking angel."_

" _Is she?"_

" _Mm-hmm!" Bickslow nodded enthusiastically. "She's the one that got me to the coats. Stayed the whole time, too."_

" _You know," Annie sighed. "Axel should never have given you that…"_

_Bickslow shrugged. "I asked for it. Heard from Philly about it last year. She said you had everyone keeping a dose on 'em."_

" _Have you seen her lately?"_

" _Nah," Bickslow said, licking his lips and bouncing on the balls of his feet. "She up and left a while ago. Thought she went to work at the bakery."_

_Annie sighed and shook her head. "No, but she's around, I'm sure." She tenderly patted his arm when a spotlight came on and started roaming through the crowd. "Axel told Mickey you're here. You're getting first dibs tonight."_

_Bickslow cackled wildly and kissed her rouged cheek. "You're a fuckin' saint, y'know that? Best baker ever!"_

" _You're damn right, I am," she laughed. "And a whole lot more than that. Have fun up there, though. I'll be making my rounds."_

_Bickslow hopped up onto the stage, then removed his visor and light blue skirt. He tossed them to one corner, then cracked his neck and stretched while he waited for the first person to step up. It wasn't long before someone did, and he grinned when he saw a scrawny little troller that frequented the abandoned docks every weekend. "Lookie here," he cackled. "Little X-Wing's come to play!"_

" _Kick his ass, Crazy Eyes!"_

" _Hell yeah! You got this shit!"_

_Bickslow felt his eyes beginning to glow, and crouched down, waiting for the bell to sound out. "This is gonna be so much fucking fun!"_

#

Bickslow grimaced while he looked up at her. He'd fucked up… Just like he knew he would. "Told you I couldn't do it," he said, his voice gravelly. "You deserve better than me anyway…"

Lucy frowned when Bickslow rolled onto his side, facing his back toward her. She tenderly touched his shoulder, then slid her hand down to his arm. "Bickslow," she said softly. "Your babies came to get me. They said you were upset that Evergreen got hurt…"

"Just go, Cosplayer," Bickslow sighed, curling in on himself and pulling his knees to his chest. "No reason for you to be here. I fucked up, remember?" He sighed and closed his eyes. He just wanted this shit to end. "Just like I  _always_  do…"

"Why did she get hurt?" Lucy asked softly.

He grimaced again. "Because I couldn't focus," he whispered, shivering slightly when a gust of wind brushed past. "I just kept thinking about not getting more, even though I knew I needed to focus. Then it all started going downhill… Usually, I'd have something with me if I needed it, that way I could finish the fucking  _job_  and not get people nearly fucking  _killed_!"

He sighed and shook his head. Bickslow always made sure to have a prepped needle or two on him while he was on a mission, depending on how long the mission was. It was his fault she got hurt. He didn't have anything on him to get his head in the game. "But," he continued, "My babies kept saying I couldn't do that if I wanted to ask… Well, it doesn't really matter now, anyway…" He sighed again. "Two fucking days," he whispered to himself. "That was it… I couldn't just go two more goddamn days…"

Lucy frowned and walked around him, then sat down cross-legged and gently grabbed his hand. Her frown only deepened when she felt just how cold it was. "So, why did you do it then?"

"Because I'm a fucking failure," he muttered. "If I could bring myself to move, I'd jump right off the edge over there. Then nobody would have to deal with this…" He grunted when her small fist connected with his ribs. Just his luck that it was the same spot he'd bashed into that stupid fire escape. "Punch me all you want, Cosplayer. It's my fault everything goes wrong. My fault Laxus left… My fault Ever got hurt… And you…" He shook his head. "I got you hurt, and… And it's my fault you're willing to scrape the bottom of the barrel, and date a fucking speed freak. Seriously, just find someone else… Loke's right about me... I'm not worth your time."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Loke thinks he's the  _only_  one that's worth my time, Bickslow." She hated hearing him like this though. This wasn't anything she'd seen from him before, but it felt more and more like she was really starting to see into just who Bickslow was. She knew there was more to him than timid and dorky. But, was this what it was? Or was this from him coming down? "And that's  _not_  all your fault. I don't know about Evergreen, because I wasn't there. But, I make my own choices on who I do and don't want to date. I'm not scraping the bottom of the barrel. Trust me, there are worse people out there than someone that's addicted to meth. And… Laxus was kicked out, Bickslow. He didn't just up and leave."

"He hasn't come  _back_  either," Bickslow whispered, his voice quivering slightly. "Not even to make sure I'm okay. He doesn't give a shit about me…" Bickslow missed Laxus so damn much. He just wanted to have his friend back again. But the fact of the matter was, this thing… What he was doing… It ran so much deeper than just Laxus or Lucy or Evergreen. He had issues before he even met any of them, and each one was just proof that he wasn't good enough. "N-No one does…" He didn't deserve it anyway.

Lucy ignored the pain in her ribs and leaned forward, roughly rolling the Seith mage onto his back. She could see the surprise in the lower portion of his face - the only part she could actually see - but it didn't stop her from collapsing on top of him and pressing her lips to his. She hadn't really planned on letting something like this happen so quickly, but she just didn't see any other way to show him that he wasn't alone. That there were people out there that  _did_ , in fact, care about him. Lucy quickly realized a few things while she was kissing Bickslow, thankfully with only their lips moving over one another.

One, his wide lips - while slightly chapped - were utter perfection as far as she was concerned. Plump in all the right ways, strong and firm when necessary, but still so fucking supple. Just his lips were making her lightheaded.

Two, she hated his visor. It was freezing, and it kept touching her cheek or nose. Which, in turn, made her shiver and cuddle closer to him.

Three… his hands had the ability to warm her up in seconds. Her legs were tangled with his, and part of his blue skirt was covering her bare appendages. But his hands… One slipped up the length of her spine and his fingers threaded through her hair. The other slithered down and cupped one cheek of her ass, sending an involuntary shiver through her when his fingertips brushed over her skin from her clothes riding up slightly.

Bickslow's eyes slid open when he felt her lips leaving his. ' _Now_ _ **that**_ _was a fucking kiss,'_  he thought in wonder. He'd kissed plenty of women, but that… Whatever the hell Lucy had just done - with just her goddamn  _lips,_ for fuck's sake - was just… Perfection. Perfect enough to have his body waking up. Especially how nice it was to have her ass cupped in his hand.

His breath caught in his throat when she smiled shyly down at him, and he gulped when her hand glided down his body. She lightly patted his leg, and all he wanted her to do was move a little more to the center. Just a couple inches, really. Because that… Good god, would that brighten his day up fast.

Instead, he felt her reaching into his pocket. Her slender fingers brushed right against his thigh, and he froze. Everything froze for him. Back and forth, those little digits moved on a mission of some sort, and he was left utterly befuddled when she pulled her hand away.

Lucy put the stick of gum to Bickslow's lips after taking off the little silver wrapper. Once his mouth opened, she slowly pushed it between his lips, then reached up and unclipped his visor so she could finally see his eyes. Wide and staring at her in shock. "That's some of the worst morning breath I've ever encountered," she whispered playfully, a light laugh spilling from her when he rolled his eyes and started chewing.

' _Well, damn it all to hell. So close!'_  Bickslow sighed while looking up at her. He hadn't brushed his teeth since getting back from the mission with his team, and he'd been able to taste blood in his mouth for a good portion of the night from the few rounds of brawling downtown. Of course his breath wasn't a walk in the park. Also, he tasted tacos. Apparently, he'd decided that he needed to have those earlier. "Why'd you kiss me, Cosplayer?" he whispered sadly. "Just trying to show me what I'm missing out on?"

If that was the case, then he could only hope she'd let him try again. He'd lock himself in a fucking room, and probably go batshit crazy while he was at it, just for the chance of staying clean and getting to ask her out. Just to feel her lips again. Ever since the first time he'd kissed her, while he was high off his ass and she met up with him to help find his babies, Bickslow had been wondering what it would be like for her to kiss him back. And now that he knew? He didn't want to let that shit go. Still, it was already too late. He knew she wasn't going to give him another chance. He'd gotten one, and he'd fucked it all up.

* * *

_**I need your help, I can't fight this forever** _   
_**I know you're watching,** _   
_**I can feel you out there** _

* * *

Lucy sighed as she pushed his hood back and started running her fingers through his hair. "You don't remember everything that happened, do you?" she whispered. When he narrowed his eyes at her with a frown, she shook her head slowly.

#

_Lucy sighed as she settled herself in the tub, the bubbles sitting on the surface floating lazily and trying to crawl up her nose. Her eyes closed for a moment before she caught a flash of light. Then another. She frowned and turned to see if Loke had decided to open his own gate while she was in the bath again, then her eyebrows shot up in surprise when she saw the gentle pulse of her lacrima._

_She reached over quickly, nearly dropping the orb in the process, and answered the call. "Bickslow, are you okay?" she asked quickly. She hadn't seen him or his team come back to the guild that day, and he'd assured her that he would call as soon as he got back - which should have been earlier that afternoon._

" _Cosplayer!" Bickslow shouted happily. "How's it going, sexy?"_

" _Uh, fine?"_

" _Awesome! Hey, so I was wondering something. Is your favorite color really pink? Because your guild mark's pink, but you seem like a blue kinda girl sometimes, so I just wanted to know."_

_She blinked slowly. "Both, actually," she said carefully._

" _Sweet!" Bickslow grinned, spinning in a circle. "Oh man… Dizzy…" he chuckled. "Hey, do you wanna come out with me? I'm at the park, but no one's here. And I wanna push you on the swing! Watch your hair go whoosh whoosh!" He licked his lips and jumped onto the seesaw, leaning from one side to the other._

_She blinked again. "Are you high right now?"_

" _Me? Nah! I just had some_ _ **great**_ _apple pie. Annie's the best baker in town!"_

" _So… you're high."_

" _Uh-huh! I'm tweakin' at the beacon on the weekend!" he cackled. "Total spun ducky right now!"_

_Her head cocked to the side in confusion. "You're… Huh?"_

" _Got the white cross and point, and slammed it real quick. Poked the dope and joked with some blokes! Well, no poking with blokes. I was alone for that. But still!" He laughed again. "Y'know what I mean?"_

" _I uh… I really don't, Bickslow." She shook her head. "Plain english… Are you high?" She was sure that he was, but she wanted to hear it from him._

" _Mr. Banks would be so proud of my skills," he laughed. "Tuppance! Haha!" He sang loudly. "Some tuppance for paper and strings! La la, la-da-da la-de-da! With your fist holding tight to the…" He paused and grinned at her. "C'mon, Cosplayer! Play along!"_

" _So… You're high as a kite…" She sighed heavily when he nodded. "Bickslow…"_

" _Hey, don't trip, Potato Chip!" He cackled, throwing his head back, then suddenly his face fell into a somber expression. His visor was removed, and she could see his eyes flickering to green and back in the little orb. "I really screwed the pooch, y'know… I'm tweaking so fucking hard right now," he whispered sadly. "Just… One minute I was in that alley, and the next… BING!"_

_She watched as he visibly deflated, dropping to his ass on the seesaw with a playground in the space behind him. "Bickslow, do you-"_

" _I'm really sorry though. I told him no, but Axel was all like 'Annie's got some pie. Here's some free pie. No worries, man. You need the sugar.' And… My babies were telling me not to, and I didn't wanna do it, but then everyone else was saying yes! And he threw the needle right at me, y'know? I didn't want it though. I didn't wanna take it! And I just got all confused, and when I opened my eyes… I was done. Finished. I'm so sorry…"_

" _Bicksl-"_

" _... And I really do wanna ask you out! A lot. You're so perfect. Like… Perfect perfect! And I bet you taste like summer. God, I'd love to just kiss you. So fucking much. Or watch you wake up in the morning. Because really, you're gorgeous…"_

" _Bi-"_

" _I'm so lucky that we're even friends! I don't want you to ditch me. Please… Don't ditch me, okay? You just… You're so sweet! And I was trying really really hard. Like… Super hard, but I know I messed up real bad. And I kept hearing them telling me to do it, but my babies said not to. And then I heard you! And the top coat, because I'm all green and stuff. You told me I'm green. See?" He lifted his hand and showed her his nails. "I'm green and it's all black. I slipped though. I understand if you don't wanna go out with me now. And that you don't trust me…"_

" _Bickslow, that's-"_

" _But it's okay. It's all okay. Things don't hurt now. I can't hear them. And… Y'know, my parents were really fucked up? But, that's not the point. Well, it kinda is, but it's not. Because you… You wanted me to stay clean. Just a week. I went five days though! Five… I wanted you to be proud of me for making it, and… And I was gonna kiss you when I got to ask you out. Y'know, because it'd be okay for me to do it if you were my girlfriend…"_

" _Bickslow, slow down," she said with wide eyes. "Just slow down and gimme a minute to get dressed. I'll come get you, and we'll talk, okay?"_

_He sighed and looked at the lacrima for a moment. "Oh," he whispered. "You're… You're taking a bath… Sorry… I just… Well, I wanted to tell you that I fucked up so you wouldn't have any expectations or anything." He gave her a sad smile. "Thanks for believing in me though, Cosplayer. It was nice… Thinking I could make it. I had some hope for a bit, y'know? I liked that…"_

" _Which park are you at?"_

_He shook his head and stood up. "Doesn't matter… I'm… I'm just gonna go, okay? I'm gonna look at the stars. They're really pretty, just like you… I'll see you around…"_

" _Bickslow, wait!" Lucy sighed when the connection was lost, staring at the darkened lacrima. "Bickslow…"_

#

Bickslow blinked when Lucy stopped talking. "I… I really called you?" he whispered. "I thought I was just imagining that…"

She smiled. "You really called me."

"But… Why would you kiss me? I wasn't supposed to do it, and I did…"

"Because you didn't hide it from me," she said, brushing his hair from his forehead when another gust of wind flew past them. "You called and told me that you slipped, and you apologized. You were  _sincere_ , Bickslow. And how upset you are right now? That just proves it."

Bickslow paused in chewing his gum when her lips gently brushed over his again. This had to be a dream. That was the only explanation.

She pulled back and smiled again. "I know it's early, but…"

Bickslow froze. His brow pushed together in confusion as he looked at her, taking in the light flush to her cheeks and her coy smile. Early… It was late as hell from what he could see. Unless… "You want me to…"

Lucy nodded. She had wanted him to stay clean for the whole week, but it was just an arbitrary time frame for him to work with. If he hadn't called her, then she would have gotten him to try again once she found out that he slipped. Maybe she would have made it only five days instead of seven the next time around. Or maybe she would have ensured that he stayed where she could keep an eye on him. Neither of those scenarios, or any of the other hundreds she could come up with, really mattered though. He'd called, apologized, and had been so sincere that she just couldn't deny him. It was obvious that he had really tried to do what she'd asked. And that it had been really important to him. She bit her lip excitedly when she saw his eyes go wide, and an ecstatic grin spreading across his face.

"You…" Bickslow laughed in surprise. He hadn't thought it would be such a big deal, but it was. He was so motherfucking happy! She forgave him for making a mistake, and he would still get to be with her. That meant he could actually kiss her. He could spend time with her, and it wouldn't be a big deal for him to call her when he needed help. Or even if he just needed someone to talk to. "Wanna go out with me, Lucy?"

Lucy gave him a matching grin. "How could I say no… You used my name!" His laughter was infectious, and she found her lips hovering over his again. She might not have had true romantic feelings for him, but damn was he a good kisser. And she'd only gotten to feel his lips. "Yes, Bickslow," she whispered as her nose brushed lightly over his. "But… Get your hand off my ass."

Bickslow chuckled and moved his hand up to her lower back, then lifted his head to finally get that kiss he wanted to give her. The way she melted against him was like heaven. He wanted to just keep going, plunge his tongue between her lips and get a taste of her for real. But he couldn't.  _'Take it slow, remember? Gotta go slow with her. I don't wanna mess this up…'_ He couldn't let himself fuck up to the point of her leaving. He needed Lucy to be the one that kept him together. "How did my babies find you?" he whispered.

Lucy laughed against his lips. "You decided to climb my apartment building, Bix. Your babies came down the fire escape as soon as they could wiggle out of your pockets." She slowly turned her head to look at the totems that had settled themselves down on the rooftop once she'd seen him, giggling when Bickslow instantly kissed her cheek. "Thanks for coming to get me, babies."

The totems laughed and twirled around. "Cosplayer always helps!"

Her eyes softened, then she turned to look at Bickslow again. "I want you to know something," she whispered. "This is  _not_  a reward for slipping. I probably should have waited, but the fact that you were  _honest_ with me about what happened swayed my decision."

Bickslow nodded slowly. "I know," he whispered sadly. "I'm really sorry…"

"You'll get there, okay? I just don't want you to think that getting high, and then telling me after it happens, is really the right thing to do. I wanna know  _before_  you do it, so I can help you stop yourself." She paused for a moment, then lightly nudged his nose with hers. "If it happens, I'll help take care of you… But I want to know that you're really trying to make that change. Alright?"

Bickslow nodded quickly. "You got it, Cosplayer."

Lucy smiled down at him again. She was sure the nickname he'd given her was never going to go away. Even if they were dating. "Good," she said. "Now, let's get you inside and cleaned up. I bought a spare toothbrush for when you're over, and there's a new tube of toothpaste that's a little easier on your teeth, since you do it so often."

Bickslow chuckled. "Why do I get the feeling you're gonna spoil the shit outta me…"

She gave him a cheeky grin in response. "Because I probably will. Just ask Natsu. I yell at him for stuff all the time, but I still keep his favorite hot sauce in the pantry and fish for Happy in the freezer."

"Yeah, I heard he creeps into your bed too," he said with a smirk. He wasn't going to mention the fact that his babies had told him about Natsu actually catching them sleeping on the couch. She probably already knew about it anyway. "Talk about some level five creeping."

Lucy let out a heavy sigh of frustration, dropping her head to his chest. "He does. I'll have to nip that in the bud now that I've got a boyfriend."

"Well, you could always let your  _boyfriend_  take care of it for you," Bickslow chuckled. "Me and the babies can be pretty convincing."

She lifted her head slightly to look up at him. "Y'know what? Yeah... You can take that one on." With a soft laugh, she slowly pulled herself from his warm, comforting embrace, and stood up.

Bickslow finally took in just what Lucy was wearing while he sat up. It was no wonder he'd been able to feel her chilly skin so easily through her clothes, or why he'd gotten the slightest brush of her flesh against his fingertips when he'd been touching her ass. The little, slinky black silk chemise she was wearing had his mouth watering in an instant. Her breasts were nearly bursting out of it, pushing the boundaries of physics as they sat captive behind the lavender lace that ran across the hem. It was barely even long enough to cover her ass. Honestly, just that… Just the sight of her in something so damn alluring, with her creamy skin shining in the moonlight, already had Bickslow thinking he was going to die a happy, happy man. "Holy shit, you look amazing…"

Lucy's head tilted to one side in confusion, then she followed his line of sight and looked down at herself. She squawked and threw her hands over her chest and the apex of her thighs in an attempt at  _some_  sort of modesty. Of course… Of fucking  _course_  she would forget that she'd been lying in bed when Bickslow's totems had flown in through her window. Why she had even thought it would be safe to wear this was beyond her. Every single time she tried to wear something to bed that wasn't an overly large t-shirt and shorts, something happened. Gray or Natsu would show up, and then she'd be fighting to cover herself. Oh, well… Bickslow was now on the list of people showing up at inopportune times.

Sadly, every movement she made just failed miserably, so Lucy gave up altogether. With a roll of her eyes, she said, "C'mon. It's cold out here, and I need to wash your clothes."

Bickslow slowly stood up and followed her down the fire escape. He was definitely going to need a shower when he went inside, partially because he'd gotten a little dirty in his crazy running around - along with a little bloody from the fights he'd been in - and partially because he was finally realizing just how cold he was. Lucy didn't even really need to say it was cold out. He'd figured it out pretty quickly when he saw her chest. Okay, so he also needed a shower to get his body to calm right the fuck down.

He was frozen on the fire escape, just staring at the window Lucy climbed through. Apparently, the woman that was crazy enough to actually date someone like him was a huge fan of thongs… Even when she was wearing something like that sexy little nightie.  _'There really is a god…'_

" _Yeah, there is,"_ the totems giggled, slowly pushing Bickslow toward the window when he just stood there.  _"Get inside, Bickslow. You'll catch a cold out here."_

" _Yeah… Cold…"_

" _Oh god,"_  Pepe laughed.

" _It's a blessing and a curse to hear your thoughts, Bickslow,"_ Popo giggled.

" _Seriously. You really think she makes that face when she cums?"_ Pipi asked.

" _Who cares?"_  Papa asked.  _"At least we know his imagination still works."_

" _And that he's a romantic!"_ Popo sighed.

" _Yeah,"_  Pupu agreed.  _"I didn't realize people actually fantasized about missionary…"_

" _Got that right,"_  Pepe chuckled.  _"I always fantasized about anal."_

" _Goddamit, Pepe!"_  the other four totem silently shouted.

Bickslow shook his head and kissed Lucy's cheek when she handed him a towel, then made his way to the bathroom to get himself cleaned up. Once he was undressed, he folded his clothes and sent his babies out to Lucy with the little pile sitting on top of their wooden bodies, then hopped under the shower's warm spray.

He sighed as the water cascaded down his body, letting his eyes slide closed. That turned out to be a horrible idea though, and not for the usual reason. An extremely aroused Lucy was waiting for him just behind his eyelids, wearing that little nightie she had on, and holding the light lavender thong he'd gotten a glimpse of earlier in one hand.

"Damnit," he whispered. Bickslow bit his lip, looking down his body at his prominent arousal. He didn't want to take too long in the shower, but this…  _'Just make it quick…'_

" _Oh my god, Bickslow,"_  the totems whispered.  _"Really?"_

" _Shut up, babies. You want me to walk out there with a raging boner and nothing but a towel?"_

" _True,"_ Popo said.  _"Oh, think about her boobs. Seriously, if I wasn't already dead… I'd willingly commit suicide in those…"_

" _Yeah… Uh, thanks. Hang out with Lucy. It won't be long,"_  Bickslow answered.

" _Not really something to be proud of…"_

" _Shut up, Papa,"_  the little souls chided. _"We'll leave you alone now."_

Bickslow sighed and let his head fall back against the tile wall. His eyes slid closed and he bit his lips to keep himself quiet, then he let his imagination run wild concerning the sexy little vixen that he'd somehow managed to snag.  _'Son of a bitch… Just her ass and I'm… Oh god…'_

Yeah, it wouldn't take long at all… Not with what his mind was conjuring up.

* * *

_**Take me over the walls below** _   
_**Fly forever** _   
_**Don't let me go** _

* * *

Lucy adjusted her robe before making her way out of the kitchen when she heard the door to the bathroom open. She carefully set a plate down on the table, then looked up to see Bickslow leaning against the wall, brushing his teeth, watching her with a small smile. Wearing only a towel.  _'Oh sweet mother of god…'_

His hair was hanging limp and slightly damp over his forehead. It was quite a bit longer than she'd realized, but seeing it down like this was just… She drew a blank on how to describe it. Shaggy, thick, and highlighting his features even more than usual. Especially his eyes. She hadn't realized before that the small person-shaped marking on his face was actually the same shade as his hair. Then again, for whatever reason, she tended to forget that it was there while she was looking at him.

The fact that his chest was bare was most definitely  _not_  lost on the Celestial mage. In fact, that was what she found herself gaping at. Muscles. Good god, the muscles on him were astounding. A broad chest that tapered into thin, delicious, lickable hips. Cut in all the right ways. Even his arms. She could see the little scars here and there that she already knew about on his arms, but it was surprising to see some on his chest as well. A good portion of them were faded, barely there, but there were a few longer ones that wrapped around one side that were very obvious.

As her gaze travelled down, drinking in the sight of him just in case she never got to see this delicious morsel again, she paused when she saw a tattoo on his belly button.  _'Oh my god, that's adorable!'_  There, in a circle that surrounded his navel, was a tattoo of five totems. Each one perfectly accurate from what she could see. All five of Bickslow's babies were there.

Once her gaze reached the top of the towel, Lucy forced herself to look back up. Boyfriend or not, she didn't need to be ogling him. No matter how sexy he was. Maybe it was because no one ever really saw him without all those layers of clothes on. He was definitely less bulky than he appeared normally, but she wasn't going to complain in the slightest. Nope. Not. At. All. "I-I figured you'd be hungry," she said, clearing her throat. "So… There's um… I heated up some leftovers."

Bickslow chuckled when he saw that she wasn't looking at his face. After his little escapade in the shower, he felt much more at ease. Even though the sight of Lucy wearing a robe could get him just as hard as that nightie that he knew was underneath it. With the toothbrush still sitting in his mouth, he said, "Thanks, Cosplayer."

Lucy took a deep, steadying breath when Bickslow turned around to head back to the bathroom, and blushed when she made a strangled sound at the sight of his back. Tan skin stretched over taut muscles that bunched with each step he took. Dimples just above the towel that was hanging low over his hips. And…  _'That is the nicest ass I've ever… Oh good lord…'_  Her cheeks were flaming by the time he disappeared down the hall, and it didn't help that the little totems that had been keeping her company started giggling.

"He's a sexy thing, huh?" Pipi sighed wistfully as it floated up to hover behind Lucy with the others.

"All those muscles," Pupu purred.

"Lucky girl," Popo whispered.

Pepe chuckled and nudged Lucy's side. "I think I see a little drool, Cosplayer."

"Very smooth, Lucy," Papa teased.

Lucy rolled her eyes and went back to the kitchen to get herself and Bickslow some tea. "Thanks, babies," she laughed. By the time she'd finished preparing the cups and was bringing them to the table, Bickslow was walking back out. Still wrapped in a towel. The only clothing she had that he could possibly wear belonged to Gray, which meant that it was way too small. Aside from the fact that Bickslow's frame was larger than Gray's in every respect, there was also the fact that Gray had no ass. And Bickslow… Yeah, he definitely did.

He sat down across the table from the blushing blonde, having been informed at length by the little totems that were sitting off to one side that she was apparently  _very_ affected by the sight of him in a towel. It really wasn't intentional though. He didn't expect her to have anything for him to wear, and it wasn't like he really minded walking around in a towel around her. His team? Yeah, he'd probably have an issue. But Lucy already knew about what was wrong with him, and she'd seen the scars on his arms, so what did it matter if she saw the other ones too?

He took a small bite of the reheated chicken, and instantly groaned in delight. "You're amazing," he said once the first bite was down. The way she tried to hide her blush behind her cup of tea had him smirking. He might not be as much of a pervert when he wasn't high, but he still enjoyed the fact that he could get her to make that face.

"So, what happened tonight?" Lucy asked softly. "Before you called, I mean."

"You mean, what was I up to?"

She nodded.

Bickslow frowned and took another bite of food. "I'm not really sure," he said. "It's all kind of a blur, y'know?"

Lucy's lips pursed in thought, but before she could say anything, Bickslow's totems decided to be a little helpful on the events of the night.

"You went down to Bluelight," the totems supplied.

"Oh! Yeah!" Bickslow chuckled. "I met up with Axel and Annie down at Bluelight."

Lucy blinked. "Bickslow, I don't know what that means," she giggled.

"Oh, right." Bickslow gave her a sheepish smile. "Sorry… Uh, Axel's my dealer. And Annie's the one that cooks it. She supplies everything to a few dealers, and they sell it. Pretty simple. Oh, and Bluelight's this warehouse downtown."

"So, what did you do there?" she asked curiously. It was definitely an odd turn in their normal conversation. Bickslow had never been this forthcoming about what happened while he was high, or the inner workings of things. Granted, the topic had never really come up before. She'd just never thought she would be sitting at her dining room table, talking about what he did while he was high as though they were a perfectly normal couple and he was telling her about his day at work.  _'Definitely not a 'So, here's what happened at the office today' kind of thing…'_

"Fought," he answered simply. When her eyes went wide, he laughed softly and lifted his arm to point to a bruise that was forming on his ribs. "I was doing a little brawling - just for fun. Made some pretty good money doing it, too. Annie gave me first dibs for the night, so I went for three or four rounds-"

"It was seven," Papa interjected.

"Right… Seven rounds. The big guys are usually the starters, but…" He shrugged. "Annie figured she'd help me out."

"She sounds like she does more than just cooking meth," Lucy mused thoughtfully, taking another sip of her tea.

"Nah," Bickslow chuckled. "She just cooks, but she's got really good connections. I guess you could say she's a VIP in places like that."

Lucy nodded. "So, did you win?"

Bickslow smiled at her. He hadn't expected Lucy to be able to just take what he was telling her the way she was. It was like it didn't faze her in the slightest. She was just learning more about him, and not getting angry that he was doing the shit he'd done. "All seven. Then Mittens came in - this  _really_  huge guy that I've never been able to beat hand-to-hand - and I dropped out. I didn't feel like getting pummeled."

Lucy laughed and shook her head. "Mittens?"

"Yep. I'm not sure where the name came from, but it sticks with you. Especially when you've seen the guy. Think Master going all Titan on you. Pretty scary." He shrugged and took a sip of his tea, then added, "No one really goes by their real name though. Some people are pretty recognizable, so you know what everyone's calling them is more for the sake of keeping their identities hidden from everyone else. I do know that Mittens' name is really Luther, though."

"So, what does everyone call you?" Lucy asked.

Bickslow's eyes began glowing and his tongue lolled from his mouth. "I'm Crazy Eyes."

"Of course you are," she giggled as the green light dimmed. The buzzer for the washing machine went off, and Lucy stood from her seat. "Lemme just go switch that over."

Bickslow nodded and finished eating while Lucy put his clothing in the dryer. It was nice being able to talk to her about this stuff. He hadn't really wanted her to know about it before, but… It seemed as though he was right. Lucy being his girlfriend had made him feel more comfortable. You were supposed to share things with the one you were dating, things about yourself and what was going on in your life.

Lucy walked back into the dining room and saw that Bickslow's plate was empty, then smiled. "Did you want another helping? There's plenty."

Bickslow nodded. "That'd be awesome. Thanks, Lucy." Within a couple minutes, she was back out with another large plate of food, and he couldn't help but laugh. "You're really used to feeding Natsu, huh?"

Lucy blushed. "Yeah. He tends to raid my fridge from time to time, so I've taken to just cooking extra, even when he's not here while I'm making it. That way I can minimize the amount of different dishes I have to wash later."

With that, the pair moved away from the topic of what had happened with Bickslow earlier that night. Bickslow was pretty quiet at times, but she really didn't mind. It only served as a reminder of just how different he really was when he was high. He spoke slowly now, a little slower than normal speech, but she chalked that up to how tired he seemed.

* * *

_**I need a savior to heal my pain  
When I become my worst enemy** _

* * *

It was when Lucy was pulling his clothing from the dryer that she actually looked at the time. She hadn't really taken a moment to do it when she got out of bed, considering she'd been more concerned with getting up to the roof to check on Bickslow - even though his babies had calmly said he crashed, and that she would probably want to know where he was at. She carried his folded clothes out to the living room and set them down on the arm of the couch. "Um… I know it might be a little weird, but… Do you just wanna stay here tonight? It's almost three in the morning."

Bickslow blinked in surprise, both at the time and the offer of a place to sleep. He'd stayed at her place a couple times already, but it was still surprising. Whatever that batch was that he'd gotten from Axel, it was definitely fast. Fast high, and a fast crash. "Yeah, I can crash on the couch," he said. "Thank-"

"No, I mean… Well… Y-Yeah," Lucy spluttered. "The couch is good." She gave him a tight smile while she took the empty teacups from the table, silently scolding herself.  _'Slow your fucking roll, Lucy. You don't need to get in the habit of sleeping with him. Before you know it, you'll be_ _ **sleeping**_ _with him, if you don't calm your shit.'_

" _Hehe, she so wants to bang you,"_  Pepe chuckled.

" _Yeah, she does,"_ Papa said.  _"Bickslow, you'd better treat her right."_

" _I'm gonna try, babies…"_  Bickslow looked at the doorway to the kitchen, then grabbed his clothes and made his way to the bathroom to get dressed. He only put on his boxers and pants, leaving the rest for the morning when it was finally time to head out.  _"You'll help me, right? I don't wanna mess this up."_

" _We'll help you!"_ they cheered.

" _I know all about women,"_  Popo laughed.

" _Of course you do,"_  Pupu sighed.

" _I've never dated anyone, babies… I wanna do this right."_

" _No worries,"_  Pipi said soothingly.  _"We've got your back."_

" _And Lucy loves talking to us, so if there's something wrong,"_ Papa added,  _"Then we'll let you know, and you can fix it."_

Bickslow smiled as he walked back out to the living room.  _"Thanks, babies. I love you…"_

" _We love you too, Bickslow."_

Lucy dried her hands and found Bickslow already sitting on the couch, each of the totems sitting across his lap and wiggling slightly. "Do you need anything before you go to sleep?" she asked.

"Nope, I'm good." Bickslow watched Lucy fiddling with her fingers for a moment, then stood up and moved to stand in front of her. He smirked once she was pulled into his chest, watching as her eyes widened for a moment and her plump lips parted on a gasp. "Sweet dreams, Lucy," Bickslow whispered.

Lucy sighed into the tender kiss he gave her. Her hands were trapped between them, between the soft silk of her robe and the hard planes of his stomach, but not for long. When his fingers threaded through her hair, gently tilting her head to one side, she found her arms slipping around him of their own accord. His skin was soft, much softer than she would have imagined, and just when she was about to lose her damn mind and let her tongue glide out to tease his lips, she froze.

"Oooh," the totems crooned.

"So scandalous!" Pipi gasped.

"My virgin eyes!" Popo wailed dramatically.

"Guys, shut up!" Pepe hissed. "They're just getting to the good part…"

"Yeah," Pupu whispered. "I don't want to miss... a single… sound…"

"Go on," Papa chuckled. "Don't mind us…"

Bickslow's eyes shot open to stare at Lucy in horror when she went rigid, then the two mages turned their heads as one to see all five totems hovering mere inches away from them. Each of them mimicking heavy breathing.

Lucy probably would have screamed, if it wasn't for what she heard next.

The totems hummed a small chord, then began to glow and dance around while they sang in perfect harmony.

_Sha-la-la-la-la-la_   
_Don't be scared,_   
_You got the mood prepared,_   
_Go on and kiss the girl._

_Sha-la-la-la-la-la_   
_Don't stop now,_   
_Slip her the tongue right now…_   
_We'll watch you kiss the girl!_

Lucy and Bickslow turned to look at one another again while the totems sang, both pairs of eyes wide. Their breath mingled, their lips mere centimeters apart. Lucy's lips twitched slightly, then Bickslow's followed suit. Between one moment and the next, they were laughing hysterically, then crumpling to the floor together.

"Well, that's rude," Papa laughed.

"A perfectly good serenade," Pepe sighed.

"Down the tubes," Pupu huffed.

"B-Babies!" Bickslow cackled. "Wh-What the fuck?!"

The totems floated down to the still laughing couple, the amusement clear in their little voices. "Well, it looked like you needed some mood music."

"And," Lucy laughed, " _Little Mermaid_ was clearly the best option?"

"Exactly," they answered, their voices serious.

She sighed and rolled her eyes, then lifted her arm and pulled the five wooden totems into her and Bickslow's embrace. "You're too precious, babies."

Bickslow's heart warmed as he watched Lucy cuddling with the little souls. He still couldn't believe she'd agreed to be with him, but he was coming to realize that things would definitely be looking up for him with Lucy in his life.  _"Seriously though. What the hell?"_

" _You said you wanted our help,"_ Papa answered.

" _I didn't mean like that!"_

" _Really?"_ Pipi asked.

" _You wanna do this right, then listen up,"_ Pupu sighed.

" _She was about two seconds from ripping your damn clothes off and fucking you into next week,"_ Pepe chuckled.

" _No, she was just gonna add some tongue,"_ Popo said.  _"Maybe…"_

" _What the hell is wrong with that?"_ Bickslow asked.

" _You just started dating,"_  the totems said calmly.  _"So, you've gotta go slow. NO TONGUE YET!"_

Bickslow sighed and lightly kissed Lucy's hair.  _"Bullshit…"_

" _Yeah, well…"_ Pepe said.

" _Bickslow, if you wanna sweep her off her feet, then you've gotta take your time,"_ Popo said softly.

" _Super romance!"_ Pipi giggled.

" _Give it a week at least,"_ they silently whispered.  _"Then you can tongue her all you want."_

" _Oh god,"_ Popo shuddered.  _"Way to perv out, Bickslow. We meant kissing."_

" _Be more specific then…"_ Bickslow chuckled when Lucy looked up at him with a sleepy smile. "Time for bed, Cosplayer."

She nodded and slowly stood up with Bickslow, letting the totems float back toward the couch. "Sweet dreams, Bix," she whispered.

"Sweet dreams, Cosplayer," he whispered back. After one far too short kiss that was nothing in comparison to what they'd just been doing, he pulled back and made his way over to the couch. He watched silently as she smiled and walked toward her bedroom, her fingers brushing lightly over her lips. After a few moments, he pulled the blanket down from the back of the couch, and closed his eyes.  _"Thanks for taking care of me, babies."_

" _You're welcome, Bickslow. Try to get some sleep."_

* * *

_**Save me if I become  
My demons** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're unfamiliar with The Little Mermaid, here's the song the babies were singing at the end. I changed the lyrics, because... Well, the babies... But still.  
> Kiss the Girl (YouTube): watch?v=lnjwlRA2z9k
> 
> The song that Bickslow references while he's high is from Mary Poppins.  
> Let's Go Fly a Kite (YouTube): watch?v=oBkSy3dnIY8
> 
> So, there were quite a few references to drug slang in this chapter.  
> -tweaking and flailing are terms that are associated with meth use.  
> -trolling is using ecstasy (sometimes referred to as E or X)  
> -white cross is another name for meth  
> -point and poke are synonyms for injecting  
> -spun ducky is something used to describe a person on meth  
> -coats isn't drug slang, but it is a term for doctors (who wear white coats)


	11. Zip-Lock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Lit: Zip-Lock

 

_**I've been stealing  
Time where I can get it from** _

* * *

Bickslow winced as he made his way toward the guild from the clinic he'd stopped at. Why he'd let his babies convince him this shit was a good idea was beyond him at that point.

" _Because you've never had sex without being high as hell,"_  Papa silently chided.

" _Seriously, you could have anything,"_  Pupu added worriedly.

" _Babies, not really helping…"_  And that was the problem. They were right, and he knew it. As soon as he and Lucy woke up, they'd eaten a small breakfast - with Bickslow saying he wasn't all that hungry since she'd made sure he ate the night before when he came down from the roof - and then parted ways. Lucy was heading to the guild, and he… Well, he'd listened to his babies.

They were telling him for a good portion of the morning that he needed to get himself tested. He'd been using since he was fifteen, and the drugs made him  _really_  excitable. Six years worth of it, and not once had he been clean while he was with a woman. He wasn't sure if he'd always used condoms, or if he'd been careful in the slightest more often than not. And that was absolutely terrifying once his babies put it in perspective for him. So yeah. He took that shit to heart and all but ran down to the clinic downtown to get himself checked out.

One strip of disgusting, salty paper on his gums for a minute. One Vulcan-sized Q-tip in his dick, just swirling around and acting as though it was a rolled up piece of fucking sandpaper. And instructions to come back the next day for his results. And that was that.

He had to wait a whole day. Bickslow wanted to stay clean while he waited though. He wanted to get this shit right, and do the right thing for Lucy, for his girlfriend.

" _Getting tested is a good start,"_  Pepe chirped hopefully.

" _Yeah, she'll see that you're serious about this,"_  Popo chimed in.

" _I'm sure she'll be happy to know that you were thinking about something as serious as that being a possibility,"_ Pipi said.  _"If I was Cosplayer, I'd be happy that you were thinking about my health, too."_

"Very true," Bickslow sighed aloud. He didn't want to think about this though. He got the tests done, and now he just needed a distraction. He needed something to keep him busy so he wouldn't just rush right off to Axel and buy more. Something. Anything.

"Mission! Mission!" the totems giggled.

Bickslow grinned at that. A mission… He could do that. Except, they'd only just gotten back from a mission the day before, and Evergreen was still hurt.  _'Yeah, and that shit's my fault…'_  No, he couldn't think about that. He needed to remember that she'd said she would be alright. He could do this though. Just go up to Freed and tell the Rune mage that he wanted to take a quick mission. Just something until tomorrow. One night away. In another town. Where he didn't know where to go to get his fix.

He'd need to pick up some gum though. Maybe a notepad and a pen to just doodle and keep his trembling hands busy.  _'Or Sudoku,'_  he thought suddenly. He fucking  _loved_  doing those puzzles. No matter how often he lost focus on little things when he was high as hell, he could always come back to them later and pick up where he'd left off. And when he was sober and actually trying to stay that way, it definitely helped.  _'Laxus had me doing shit like that all the time…'_

Bickslow made his way through the guild on a pre-mission "mission" to talk with his teammate as soon as he walked through the doors. He saw Lucy at the bar, talking with Mira and drinking a smoothie, but they didn't make eye contact. Either she didn't see him or she was intentionally ignoring him right then.  _'Probably because the demon's right there,'_  he thought. Yeah, he didn't really feel like dealing with Mira's gushing about their future children either. Especially since he needed to find his favorite nerd.

"Freed," Bickslow sighed, sitting down at the table with the Rune mage and Evergreen - whose leg was bandaged and hidden beneath a pair of bootcut green corduroy pants. Lucky for her, he supposed, that the weather was cool enough for her to warrant foregoing her green mini-dresses.

"Bickslow," Freed said in shock. "We were wondering where you disappeared to."

He grimaced.

"Freed wanted to apologize for what he said yesterday," Evergreen added softly.

"Yes," Freed whispered, glancing around to see that both Gajeel and Natsu were out of the guild. And thanking his lucky stars. "You have my deepest apology for my words. I should have been more aware of how it would upset you."

"Nah," Bickslow said with a forced grin. He needed to make sure his teammates didn't notice anything different about him. No matter how much he felt like shit right then. "Water under the bridge, dude. You were right. Laxus is gone, time for us to move on."

Freed blinked in surprise, sharing a concerned glance with Evergreen. Something was off about the Seith mage, but neither could place just what it was.

"So, I know we just got back," Bickslow said quickly, his leg tapping under the table while he tried to keep himself relatively still. Fuck, did he hate withdrawal. "But uh… I was thinking maybe we could take another job. Just something small that won't take more than a day?"

Evergreen sighed. "Well, I'm on bedrest, so I'll be sitting this one out."

Freed nodded. "Evergreen does need someone to look after her as well, Bickslow. Can this wait?"

"What if we do something that's  _not_  fighting?" Bickslow asked, fighting to keep the desperation from his voice. He needed the distraction. He needed to be away from familiar places just for the night. Sure, he could go and stay with Lucy again, but he didn't want to be a constant burden. Besides, a mission that didn't have any fighting, something simple that they wouldn't have considered otherwise, would be good for him. Just something simple. Something where maybe he didn't even really need his magic. Maybe he'd need to use acrobatics for something other than hanging upside down from clothes lines and balancing on spires on a single foot. Being able to do a little mission without being high, and being able to actually contribute? That was what he really wanted. Bickslow wanted to prove to himself that he could do this.

He needed to redeem himself for Evergreen getting hurt the day before. "We could just do an overnight. Some piddly shit one that we wouldn't normally bother with…"

Evergreen cocked her head to one side. "Bickslow, why don't we take a break for a bit? As soon as I'm healed, we can-"

"Evergreen," Freed said, placing a staying hand on her knee beneath the table and drawing her attention. "I believe this would be good idea."

"Yeah?" Bickslow laughed. "Awesome."

"Yes." The Rune mage watched out of the corner of his eye as Lucy stood up from the bar and started making her way over to their table. This was most definitely a first. "It would benefit us to take smaller missions as well."

"But my leg," Evergreen said sadly. She saw Freed nod only once while Bickslow turned to look at the blonde Celestial mage that just arrived at their table. "I guess I can stay behind?" she whispered.

Freed nodded again. "Yes. Maybe I can get him to talk to me if we take a mission overnight." When understanding lit up the Fairy mage's eyes, he chuckled quietly.

"Hey, Cosplayer," Bickslow grinned. "What's shakin'?"

'Shakin'! Shakin'!" the totems chorused while whirling around her in the air.

* * *

_**I've been losing  
Grip on what I used to hold** _

* * *

"Not much," Lucy laughed. "What's going on with you guys today?"

Bickslow looked hopefully at Freed and Evergreen, then grinned when they both nodded. "Going on a mission," he answered. When he saw the surprise on Lucy's face, he added, "Just the guys. We should be back tomorrow though."

"You still never told us where you ran off to yesterday," Evergreen said curiously, a frown pulling at her lips behind her fan.

When Bickslow hesitated, Lucy playfully nudged his shoulder while turning to the brunette. "He came over to my place. I told him about this new movie I got, and asked if he wanted to watch it with me since my team was gone when I got back from my own mission." That lie shouldn't have been so easy to spew.

"What movie?" Freed asked.

"Grandma's Boy," Bickslow said.

"Poltergeist," Lucy said at the same time, blinking at the Seith mage in confusion when their voices overlapped.

"Which one?" Evergreen asked.

Bickslow chuckled. "Well, Cosplayer here got Poltergeist, so we watched that…"

"And then I got so scared that the babies suggested a comedy," Lucy said with a blush. "So, both technically."

Freed smirked when he saw the smallest hint of a blush peeking out from beneath Bickslow's visor. "Well, should I go choose the mission, or would you prefer to do so?" he asked the Seith mage.

"O-Oh," Bickslow stuttered. "Uh… I'll grab one. I think I saw a good one up there a couple days ago."

Lucy watched curiously as Bickslow left the table, then turned back to his teammates. "Evergreen, how's your leg?" she asked softly, taking the recently vacated seat.

"It's been better," the brunette sighed, lowering her fan to the table. "I guess Bickslow told you about it?"

Lucy nodded. Freed pursed his lips in thought. "Lucy," he finally said after watching Bickslow and his totems perusing the job requests, "Does Bickslow seem… different to you somehow?"

"Different how?" Lucy asked carefully.

"He was rather quiet on our last mission. And yesterday…"

"He got really upset and snapped at Freed before running off," Evergreen finished. "I don't remember ever seeing him yell like that."

Lucy let out a slow breath and propped her chin on her hand. "Well, he was telling me about the job," she said softly. "I think it was just that he was really missing Laxus. It's the first mission he's gone on without him…" And Bickslow had told her that. But, it was over breakfast and not the day before. He'd said that as soon as he joined the guild, before he'd taken his first mission, Laxus took him in. Bickslow had never taken a mission without the blond Slayer. They'd been together the whole time Bickslow was in the guild - his first week after joining notwithstanding. "So, I guess he was just… Upset about it." She shrugged helplessly. There wasn't much more she could say about what was going on with Bickslow, why he seemed so different and quiet in comparison to how he usually was while he was in the guild (and high as hell).

Bickslow came back to the table with the approved mission stuffed in his pocket, then plopped down on the bench next to Lucy. "Good to go when you are, man."

Freed nodded, then turned to Evergreen with a frown. "Will you-"

Evergreen rolled her eyes and smacked the Rune mage with her fan. "I'm a big girl, you know. I can take care of myself. You guys go, and bring me back something nice."

"Souvenirs!" the totems quietly laughed, causing everyone at the table to laugh with them.

"Exactly," Evergreen nodded. "Have fun out there."

Bickslow and Freed stood from the table, and the Seith mage grinned when Lucy discreetly brushed her hand over his before he could stand to his full height. "See you around, Cosplayer."

"See ya," Lucy smiled. "You guys be safe, okay?"

"Of course, Lucy," Freed nodded.

Lucy and Evergreen sighed as they watched the two men walking out of the guild, and the Fairy mage jolted in surprise when Lucy turned to look at her with a wide grin. "Evergreen," Lucy said excitedly. "How about a girls' day?"

"G-Girls… Day?"

"Yeah! The guys are gone, and you're down for the count right now," Lucy reasoned. "Mani-pedi's, cheesy romance movies, and gobs of chocolate. Whaddya say?" Maybe it was a bit sudden, but she wanted to get to know Bickslow's teammates. Freed and Evergreen both could most likely give her some insight on the man that was now her boyfriend. She didn't expect the brilliant smile she was gifted with to stretch across Evergreen's face, making her light up and seem so much more approachable.

"That sounds perfect," Evergreen nearly giggled. The only 'girls' days' she'd ever had consisted of Bickslow pretending to be a girl for her benefit. She hadn't ever gotten to experience what it was really like with another girl - just sitting around, talking about fashion or whatever else they thought of, watching movies and stuffing their faces with too many sweets.

Lucy stood up and slowly helped the brunette to her feet, admiring the woman's ability to still walk in heels perfectly even though she must have been in excruciating pain. Once they were outside of the guild, Lucy leaned over and whispered, "Besides, I think you should know that Bickslow asked me out last night…" She giggled when Evergreen gaped at her. "And I said yes."

* * *

_**If I could get another chance** _   
_**I'd put it in a zip-loc bag** _   
_**And keep it in my pocket** _

* * *

Bickslow made his way into the guild the next day, having returned from his mission with Freed only an hour earlier. It was a simple mission, and he was over the fucking moon that he'd been able to do it without the drugs. Granted, all they'd been doing was helping an older woman collect and sort different gemstones and rocks for her business, since she'd broken her hip. The pay wasn't that great, but it was oddly rewarding. The look on her face when she saw two members of the Raijinshuu had showed up was priceless; she'd been ecstatic to see that such powerful mages - as she'd called them - would be willing to help out a little old lady like herself.

And then, when Bickslow had mentioned the fact that he actually knew a bit about the different stones, and what she was using them for, he'd gotten to chatting with her for a long while about it. Hell, Freed had even joined in on the conversation. He was pretty sure that was the first time he'd really talked to the Rune mage about something that wasn't mission related, or Laxus-related. Sure, the stones were technically part of the job, but the different uses for them weren't. They just needed to help her get the ones she needed. And, lucky for her… Both he and Freed already knew exactly what they looked like - something that had apparently come as a surprise to the Rune mage when Bickslow easily identified malachite and angelite by their coloration and markings alone.

Once they got back, Freed went to his house to most likely take another shower and get the train germs off of him, while Bickslow headed down to the clinic to get the results of his test. The results that were now sitting folded up in his pocket.

And as soon as he was inside of the guild, he sought out the shimmering blonde hair of his girlfriend with a grin on his face. He was proud as hell. He'd done it! He'd gone the whole previous day without any drugs, with minimal withdrawal symptoms that he'd needed to explain away to Freed or the client - since they were working right there with her - and he'd been able to contribute on the mission.

Besides, Bickslow had something he wanted to talk to her about anyway. The fact that Lucy was with her team didn't really bother him, since this would only take a minute. With that, he made his way right to her team's table, noticing that Evergreen was sitting across from the blonde and watching him with a knowing smile on her face.  _'Guess Lucy told her about us dating.'_

The hair stood up on the back of Lucy's neck when she felt someone standing behind her, but before she could turn around to see who it was - or if she was just imagining things - she felt warm breath brushing down her throat. She probably would have flipped right the hell out if it wasn't for the familiar smell of Bickslow's cologne - or maybe it was his deodorant, she wasn't sure, but she knew it smelled amazing - filling her nostrils.

"Hey, Cosplayer," Bickslow whispered in the Celestial mage's ear, chuckling when he saw it turning slightly pink as she blushed. "I heard someone had a question for you."

Lucy turned to the visor-wearing mage curiously, a soft smile on her lips when she heard how quiet his voice was. It was obvious to her the day before that he wasn't high when he came to the guild, but he'd been trying to keep up appearances as best as possible. His team had noticed though. They'd been with Bickslow long enough to know when his smiles weren't as wide, and when his laughter wasn't as wild. Just like yesterday, she could just tell that he was sober right then. And it warmed her heart to see that he was really trying. "Yeah?" she giggled. "Who might that be, and what do they want?"

"Me," Bickslow chuckled, still leaning over the back of the bench with his face only inches from hers. "And I was wondering if maybe, you'd um…" He paused, suddenly nervous when he realized that her team was watching his every move, most likely waiting for him to say something that would start a brawl. Mira walked up to the table with a tray full of food, her head tilted to one side and her eyes glimmering with curiosity. "You'd wanna… Well…"

The group at the table watched, enraptured as Bickslow lifted his closed hand, then slowly opened it to reveal five shining, deep blue stones with flecks of gold, glittering like the night sky. Each one floated into the air before the blushing Celestial mage, spinning in a slow circle in place while the souls within them said the word painted on the stone's face.

"Go…" Papa said slowly.

"On…" Pepe added.

"A…" Pipi giggled.

Evergreen just couldn't help but smile at the scene before her. She'd told Lucy the night before, while she was painting the Celestial mage's nails, that she'd never known Bickslow to have been in a relationship. And, if he ever had been, it either hadn't lasted very long, or he'd just never told the team about it. She personally couldn't picture Bickslow in a stable relationship with anyone, but she also thought that it would be a good thing for him to have that. Her dear friend deserved to find a woman that made him smile. Much like the way he was right then as Lucy gazed at the floating stones.

"Date…" Popo crooned.

Mira's jaw dropped open in shock as she held onto the now empty tray, having been slowly placing the various plates of food down on the table while she watched everything unfold. Not once had she considered the possibility of Lucy and Bickslow getting together. She was still very firmly set in her NaLu ways, after all. But this…

"Tonight?" Pupu finished, its voice lifting in question.

Mira's head was spinning with possibilities. Had she missed the signs somewhere? Had these two grown closer since the Battle of Fairy Tail, and she just hadn't noticed it? When they were in the guild together, Lucy and Bickslow hardly acknowledged one another though. So when? When had this happened? She didn't need to see Lucy's eyes light up, or how her smile brightened and her cheeks flushed a deeper shade of red while the rest of the guild realized that something absolutely monumental was happening right before their eyes, to know the blonde would say yes. Or… Maybe Mira just couldn't hear anything else over the pounding of her own heart, and the sudden onslaught of gleeful ship plotting she was doing.  _'When did Bickslow go from being a pervert to romantic like this?!'_

Lucy's smile widened while she turned to look back at Bickslow. "Definitely," she whispered, watching as a childlike grin lit up his mostly covered face. She couldn't see his eyes, but she knew that smile was crinkling the corners of them with his happiness.  _This_  was what she'd wanted to do for him. She wanted him to see that there were things aside from meth that could make him happy. Well, the drugs didn't even make him happy, she knew that. But… She wanted Bickslow to know that things  _could_  be better if he wasn't high.

Bickslow reached into another pocket, silently thanking whoever the person was that designed these pants for having so many damn pockets for him to hold shit. As he pulled a box out and placed it on the table in front of the blushing blonde, he leaned forward and lightly kissed her cheek. "I'll pick you up tonight then," he whispered excitedly. Without another moment's hesitation he stood upright and rushed out of the guild to get everything set up while yelling, "See you at seven!"

Lucy smiled and shook her head while the guild doors closed behind the Seith mage, then turned back to the group at the table, only to blink in confusion. Aside from the fact that Erza, Gray, Natsu, and Mira were openly gaping at her, there were still five little stones floating in the air in front of her. "Uh, babies?" she laughed.

Just before the totems could say anything, the guild doors burst open again, revealing a still grinning Bickslow. "Shit!" he shouted. "Babies, c'mon!"

Evergreen found herself silently laughing when the stones dropped to the table, then saw the familiar little wooden baubles flying out of Bickslow's pockets.

Bickslow grinned at Lucy when she turned her amused eyes toward the door. He still couldn't believe that he'd gotten so damn excited that he forgot his babies, but… That look in her eyes was well worth it. Seeing that made him feel like he wasn't a total fuck-up, that he really could help her soul get better. "See you tonight, beautiful!" he shouted, laughing when she ducked her head bashfully. And then he was off again, babies in tow.

Lucy nearly heard crickets chirping in the utter silence of the guild, and she honestly would have preferred that stunned silence to what came out of her best friend's mouth next.

"Oh," Natsu said slowly, grinning as realization hit. "So,  _that's_  why Bickslow was sleeping with you?"

"What?!" Gray bellowed, jumping to his feet and ready to chase the Seith mage down and pummel the guy.

Mira slammed the empty tray into the back of Natsu's head, causing his face to slam into the table and knock him out. All with a sweet smile on her face.

Erza raised an eyebrow in question as the guild started talking again, everyone suddenly more than willing to lay the hell off of the subject of Lucy and Bickslow for the time being - while also keeping an ear out for any information on the subject.

"We fell asleep watching a movie!" Lucy screeched angrily. "On the  _couch_! And damnit, Natsu! Stop sneaking into my apartment!"

Evergreen snickered behind her fan just as Freed walked into the guild, her eyes meeting his deep green ones and silently calling him closer. She wasn't sure what he'd been able to find out from Bickslow during their mission, but she had definitely gotten some wonderful things to tell the Rune mage about - like just how much of a sweetheart Bickslow really was, and that he'd let Lucy paint his nails.

Lucy glowered at the salmon-haired Slayer, then sighed in defeat. "Of  _course_  he's unconscious while I'm yelling at him…"

Freed quietly made his way over to Evergreen's side, watching curiously as Gray continued ranting and raving as though he'd been possessed by Natsu. "Have I missed something?" he asked the Fairy mage, wincing when Mira's aura darkened while she looked at the half naked mage next to her.

"You will  _not_  interfere with those beautiful babies," Mira said darkly, her smile faltering only minutely before she reined it back in. "Do you hear me?"

Gray froze and gulped, then nodded quickly while he sat back down. He leaned forward slightly to Lucy as soon as Mira was gone and hissed, "What the hell, Lucy? You owe us a serious explanation."

"Excuse me?" Lucy asked, turning her scowl to her other male teammate. "I don't  _owe you_  anything, Gray."

"Uh, yeah," Gray scoffed. "I mean, Bickslow? Really?"

Evergreen slowly turned her head, looking over Natsu's body that was partially spread out on the table to the Ice Make mage. "What's wrong with Bickslow?" she asked.

"Nothing," Lucy said angrily. "And Gray should learn to shut his trap before I come over there and slap the shit out of him."

"Oh no," Happy whispered in horror as he floated down from the rafters. He quickly lifted Natsu up and dashed across the guild, toward the bar and hopefully out of Lucy's range. "Scary Lucy's here!"

Freed blinked in surprise when, without warning, Mira reappeared in an instant, and her tray slammed Gray's head down into the table just next to where Natsu's had been before the little blue Exceed flew him to the bar. "I appear to have missed something," he mumbled, taking a seat next to Lucy and watching the barmaid walk off with a smile.

Erza frowned at the now unconscious Ice Make mage. "Gray has learned a valuable lesson. Do not insult the man that asks a woman on a date."

"A date?" Freed asked, turning back to the blonde who, for her part, was smiling up at him as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

"Yep," Lucy laughed, hiding the pain in her ribs as best as she could. "Bickslow just asked me to go on a date with him tonight."

"What's in the box?" Evergreen asked excitedly.

Lucy blinked in surprise. "Oh! Umm…" She smiled sheepishly. "I forgot about that." Slowly, she lifted the lid of the box, then gasped when she saw what sat inside. A wide smile spread across her face as she pulled the jewelry from where it was nestled on the simple gauze packaging. "Oh my god…"

A necklace. A thin silver chain led down to the most beautiful heart-shaped pendant she'd ever seen. Just like the blue stones lying on the table, the ones Bickslow's babies had inhabited a short while before, the stone was a deep oceanic blue with golden flecks trailing across it. There were small swirls and spots of a beautiful sky-blue wisping through it. Surrounding the stone was a silver encasement: a thin sheet across the back of the stone; a single stem with delicate leaves leading to a perfectly crafted rose that reached up from the bottom of the stone, curving around it; and another similar flower in one corner at the top. It was beautiful, absolutely perfect.  _'No wonder he wanted to know if blue was my favorite color.'_

Lucy was left wondering if Bickslow had been planning to give her something like this since he'd asked her that. If, maybe, even though he'd been high as hell at the time, he remembered that she'd told him her favorite colors were both pink and blue.

"Lapis Lazuli," Freed said curiously as he gently pulled the necklace from Lucy's hands and helped her put it on. He and Bickslow had seen dozens, maybe even hundreds, of these stones on their mission. He hadn't realized that the Seith mage was planning on getting something for Lucy in the first place. Then again, they hadn't talked all that much, like he'd been hoping. As soon as they had arrived at the hotel for the night, Bickslow fell to the bed and passed out.

"It's beautiful," Evergreen said with a gentle smile.

Erza's eyes softened while she watched Lucy lightly touching the heart pendant. She knew it was only a matter of time before the Celestial mage just admitted that she had feelings for Bickslow. It was what she, Levy, and Cana had been expecting since they'd talked to Lucy about it the night they went to that club. The same night that Lucy had disappeared early, then stayed missing for an entire day - which, she had found out after the fact that the blonde ran into Bickslow, and they spent the day together.

"So, where do you think he's taking you?" Evergreen asked.

Lucy smiled and shrugged. "With Bix… Who knows," she whispered. She couldn't wait to find out just what he had planned.

* * *

_**I've been watching you  
Sleeping with a troubled look** _

* * *

"I don't understand what you think you're doing," Papa hissed.

"Seriously," Pipi added, "Bickslow this isn't right."

He shook his head while walking down the street, down to the corner where he knew Axel would be. "It's not like that, babies."

" _You're going to your dealer!"_  Popo silently shouted.

" _I'm not gonna shoot up! I'm not! I promise!"_

" _Then why are you going to see him?"_

" _I just…"_  Bickslow sighed and shook his head, popping a piece of gum into his mouth while he kept walking down the road, then cutting through a thin alley to get there just a little faster. He'd been thinking about it since the day before, when he'd woken up at Lucy's in the morning and sat at the table with her, eating a small breakfast. It was so damn nice, just seeing her like that. All bleary-eyed with her hair tossed up into a messy bun and her brain only functioning at half speed. She'd been giving him sleepy smiles while sipping her coffee, but the blonde was still able to hold a conversation with him. It was domestic, sure, but… He liked it. He liked seeing her like that a whole lot more than he had in the middle of the night, only a couple hours before…

#

_Bickslow's eyes creaked open slowly when he heard a slight shuffling sound off to one side of the living room. There, at the small desk he'd never really taken notice of before, was the familiar silhouette of Lucy. Only a portion of her profile was bathed in the modest light of the desk lamp she'd turned on, but he could see her pen flying a mile a minute while she wrote something down. "Lucy?" he whispered sleepily._

_She quietly squeaked in surprise, then snapped her attention to the mage on her couch. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," she replied softly, taking a shaky breath._

_She wiped her nose with a partially crumpled tissue that was fisted in her free hand, and he frowned. "You good?" he questioned, his voice gentle as he sat up. "You sound upset…"_

" _I'm fine." Lucy gave him a trembling smile, one he could tell was forced, and wiped her eyes with a fresh tissue after sealing the envelope and turning off the little desk lamp. "Just a bad dream. Get some rest, okay?"_

_Bickslow let out a soft sigh when she leaned down over the couch and gave him a small, chaste kiss, then walked back to her room. He just laid there, half-awake and partially aware of his surroundings. It was one of the issues with trying to sleep on his own when he wasn't utterly exhausted. Nightmares or mild insomnia. He listened to the sounds of the apartment, the air whooshing through the vent in the ceiling, the slight tic-tac-ticking of older pipes running through the walls._

" _She's crying," Pupu whispered sadly as it flew out from the hallway leading to the blonde. "... A lot."_

" _Can we go see her?" Pipi chirruped silently, its voice excited and hopeful._

_Bickslow smiled as the totems all chorused their desire to be with Lucy when she needed someone. Slowly, he nodded and stood from the couch, then made his way to the mostly closed bedroom door. Looking down at the floor, he lightly knocked on the jamb._

" _Come in," came her stuffy reply._

" _Hey," he whispered, opening the door and seeing a little lump under the pink comforter. "My babies wanted to know if they couldn't stay in here with you," he said gently._

_She sniffled quietly, and nodded. "That would be great." The smile she'd forced before returned fully, and completely natural this time, as she watched the little souls zoom forward through the room._

_At the first wisping laugh that filled the air from the blonde, Bickslow smirked. "They really like you," he whispered. "They'll keep the bad dreams away."_

_Lucy giggled then. "Thank you, Bickslow," she said happily. "You're the best."_

_His cheeks flushed brilliantly under the tender praise from the blonde on the bed, the one with his babies all curled around her head on the pillow. One corner of his lips quirked and he sheepishly rubbed at his disheveled mohawk. "N-No problem… Sweet dreams."_

_He bit his lip while walking back out to the living room, barely hearing her whisper a goodnight to him and the little souls. Once he was settled on the couch again, it took only a few moments before he was asleep._

#

He hated seeing Lucy cry. That morning, he hadn't brought up what she'd been doing, because he could tell that she didn't want to talk about it. He was sure that he was the reason for her tears though, and that just ate at him. Ever since the day before, he'd been wracking his brain for something he could do to make her smile. Anything, really. And that was where the idea for the date came in. And with the idea of taking the blonde on a date, also came the realization that Bickslow wanted to try and be more normal for her. He didn't want to bring her down tonight.

No, what Bickslow wanted was to make her shine. He'd helped her soul a little bit, but he knew that he could do more. And if he was going to really help the blonde, then he needed to find his dealer.

* * *

_**I'm sure your bad dreams** _   
_**Are probably all about me** _   
_**And better off without me** _

* * *

Bickslow sighed in relief when he saw the head of familiar mossy green hair, and that Axel's sleeves were rolled up. The sight of that Chimera tattoo on his forearm always meant one thing: he was open for business. If Bickslow couldn't see the tattoo while Axel was out and about, then it meant it either wasn't safe to make a deal, or he was fresh out of his stock.  _'Thank god for small favors. I just hope he has what I need.'_

"Hey, man," Axel chuckled as Bickslow came up to him, leaning against the grey brick building.

Bickslow nodded in greeting. "I was hoping you had something I could use to take the edge off," he said carefully. That was all he needed. Something to get rid of the worst of his withdrawal for the night. He didn't want to be all twitchy and feeling like total ass while he was on a date with Lucy. He'd never been on a date before, and he wanted this to be a great night for both of them. Something where they could just forget about their problems, and enjoy their time together without worrying about the fact that he was still struggling to stay clean. He just wanted a normal date with his girlfriend.

"More apple pie?" Axel asked with a smirk. "Told you it was great."

Bickslow shook his head slowly. "Nah."

Axel frowned at that. "You didn't like it? Annie said-"

"Oh, no," Bickslow said quickly. "It was great pie. It was pretty quick though. Sugar rush only lasted a few hours."

"I'll let Annie know," he sighed. "You know she likes getting feedback on new recipes."

Bickslow nodded.

"So, if you're not looking for pie…"

"Just something small," Bickslow mumbled as a group of girls walked past, keeping his gaze trained on the ground behind his visor. None of them could hold a candle to Lucy in the first place, so there was no point in looking. Nope, he'd lucked out and gotten the hottest chick he'd ever met.

"Still wanna play some poker?"

Bickslow shook his head. "I've got a job," he lied smoothly. "I'll be around Rune Knights, like… Close quarters. Don't wanna risk getting caught." After a moment, he added, "You know they'd make me rat out where I got it from." No way in hell was he going to tell his dealer that he had a date, and that's why he needed it. He wasn't delusional. Axel and Annie didn't need to know too much about his personal life. They weren't friends by any stretch of the imagination. They were just suppliers, nothing more.

Axel's face hardened while he surveyed their surroundings again at the mention of the Rune Knights. "So, just a  _little_  rush."

"Exactly. Like… A um… I dunno, a pill or something?" Lucy would be able to tell if he shot up. He didn't want a crazy rush like he got from meth. He just wanted to be a little more evened out. "Can't be all twitchy and shit, y'know?"

" _You know she won't care if you're twitchy,"_  the totems silently whispered.  _"Lucy knows you're getting clean. She understands."_

" _I just wanna have a normal date, babies,"_  Bickslow internally sighed. That was all he wanted. A date with his girlfriend. Lucy did so damn much for him, and he just wanted to make things more normal. Yeah, he was addicted to meth, but that didn't mean he couldn't at least  _try_  to make her smile.

" _You do make her smile,"_  the totems whispered.

" _That necklace you gave her probably has her smiling up a storm,"_  Popo added.  _"Girls love getting jewelry. Well, I didn't, but girls like Lucy do."_

" _Whaddya mean, 'girls like Lucy'?"_ Bickslow silently asked as a man in a business suit walked by.

" _Girly girls,"_  Popo answered simply.  _"She wears jewelry, ergo… She likes jewelry."_

"A pill," Axel hummed, pushing his hands into his pockets. "You got the cash?"

Bickslow nodded. "How much?"

"Two."

"Seriously?"

Axel shrugged. "Pulling from my personal shit, man. You know Annie doesn't do pills." He glanced at the mage next to him. "Then again, I know you pretty well. One." He really couldn't help himself. Bickslow was pretty well known for being a powerful mage, but the fact of the matter was… This guy had actually saved his life a couple years back. If it wasn't for Bickslow and those weird fucking dolls, Axel would have lost his little sister in the fire the bastards in that dark guild set in his old village. He would have been killed by going into that warehouse, but Bickslow - when he was only sixteen, and without backup - rushed inside and got her out. Along with three other hostages. It was why Annie loved the mage as much as she did… She was tied up with Axel's sister, and saw firsthand just what the guy had done. So, giving him a discount on shit? Yeah, he could do that. He always did anyway.

Bickslow blinked in surprise at that. That was twice in a short period of time that he'd been given a deal by the guy. Not just any deal, but a serious fucking miracle. "Wow, man. Thanks."

Axel chuckled. "No problem," he said, popping one pill out of the little orange prescription bottle in his pocket while Bickslow handed him the thousand Jewels. "This should do the trick, man."

"How long?" Bickslow asked, discreetly taking the little blue pill and pocketing it.

Axel looked around the street and rolled down his sleeves. "Few hours. Takes about thirty minutes to kick in."

Bickslow nodded, then sent the mossy-haired man a wave and a grin. "See ya, man," he said softly as he turned and walked back toward the guild.  _"See, babies? No shooting up. Just this little pill."_

" _That doesn't make it any better, and you know it."_

" _I'm not shooting up, though! That's a step in the right direction…"_

" _Is it?"_  Papa sighed.  _"Switching one drug for another?"_

" _You'll see. Tonight's gonna be great."_  Bickslow had to hope that this would work. He didn't want to ruin the evening with his own personal bullshit. Every time he saw Lucy, it was about his addiction. Tonight… Tonight, he was going to show her that he could be a good boyfriend too. He didn't want to use Lucy as a crutch. If he did that, then it would just be one more person he was using, and she deserved a whole lot better than that.

* * *

_**If I could get another chance** _   
_**I'd put it in a ziploc bag** _   
_**And keep it in my pocket** _

* * *

To say Lucy was surprised by what awaited her just outside her front door at exactly seven o'clock would be an understatement. She hadn't been sure just what Bickslow was planning for their date, so it had definitely been a challenge to try and dress for the occasion. In the end, she'd gone with something she was comfortable wearing, considering she was still sporting those broken ribs and a possibly sprained ankle. Thankfully, her ankle was feeling loads better. She just didn't trust herself in heels right then.

And thank god she'd decided against them when she opened her door; otherwise, she was sure she would have toppled over into the most unattractive pile of goop on the floor. Edible didn't even begin to describe the Seith mage on her doorstep. She was sure no one in the guild would even recognize him, and found that she'd unconsciously been expecting the mage before her to wear the pinstriped get-up he usually did. In fact, she couldn't recall ever having seen him in something different - with the exception of the day she'd slept at his apartment. But no, here he was, making her brain stutter and a whole lake of saliva gather in her mouth.

His visor was gone. Nothing was covering those alluring, exotic eyes of his, giving her a perfect view of the deep crimson irises. The small blue tufts of hair just above his ears were slicked back, and his mohawk was actually styled. Not overly so, but it was much more tame in comparison to the usual windswept bedhead insanity that took residence atop his head - which, Lucy thought suited him just fine. Her gaze swept hungrily down from his face, over the bare flesh of his throat to the black button-up shirt with fine red stitching stretched perfectly over his muscles. Part of her wondered if maybe it was just painted on, because she was sure that she could see each and every contoured muscle that she knew was lying just beneath that thin fabric barrier. The sleeves were rolled up, showcasing his scarred forearms. She knew he didn't like people seeing the track marks on his arms, the result of years of drug use, but that sight alone warmed her heart. She knew about the scars on him, the ones that a scant few had ever seen, and it just proved that he wasn't trying to hide from her.

And then she saw the rest of him. Dark washed denim was hanging just loose enough that she wasn't wondering if he had gone the jeggings route (a style choice the blonde herself was still unsure of, to be honest), but she was left with the realization that Bickslow had some amazingly long legs. She'd never really thought about it before, but now… Well, she couldn't stop thinking about it.  _'Oh my god, I bet his ass looks amazing in these…'_  Her eyes barely caught a glimpse of black leather boots before she forced herself to return to meet his gaze. Albeit, just a tad slower on the ascension.

" _Holy shit!"_ Popo gasped silently.

" _Bickslow, you lucky son of a bitch,"_  Pepe added in wonder.

" _Oh man, Lucy's gorgeous,"_ Pipi sighed.

" _If I wasn't already dead, this would've given me a heart attack,"_ Pupu said, its voice slightly dazed.  _"And I know about heart attacks."_

" _I think she looks better in his clothes,"_ Papa chuckled.

Bickslow didn't really hear any of what his babies were saying though. He was way too enthralled by the sight of the blonde as she stood in her doorway. Her hair was hanging in loose waves, framing that angelic face he'd been thinking about all damn day just perfectly. He'd seen Lucy enough times with no makeup whatsoever to notice that she was actually wearing some, and thankfully it wasn't much. She really didn't need the shit to make her attractive, but…  _'Fuck me, her eyes…'_  Just that small smoky brush of dark brown eye shadow at the far corners, paired with a thin line of eyeliner and mascara to bring out her lashes…  _'I'm done. I'm so fucking done, it's not even funny.'_

He hadn't gotten past her damn  _eyes_  and he was ready to back the blonde up into her apartment and peel off whatever clothing she'd put on for their date. But that was what stayed him. Okay, and the fact that he wanted to do this shit right, and fucking the girl in front of him - even though they were dating - really wasn't the best way to go about doing that shit.

Still, Bickslow found his gaze sweeping lower, down to her luscious, lightly glossed lips. Further down her throat. And then he paused again, and smiled. He just couldn't help it. The necklace he'd given her was right there. Sure, his babies had told him that she'd most likely wear it as a sign of thanks for him giving it to her, but he couldn't stop that damn grin from spreading over his face when he saw just how perfect it looked draped delicately over her collarbones. She was actually wearing it. Something  _he_  gave her. He'd never given someone a present before, so this…  _'God, she's so fucking beautiful…'_

Papa was right though. It didn't matter to the Seith mage what Lucy was wearing. She was beautiful no matter what. Granted, his eyes widened just a little more when he took in the white lace that draped down over her breasts, and connected a sweetheart black shirt with long black sleeves that bared her scrumptious shoulders. Never in his life had Bickslow considered a  _shoulder_  scrumptious - or even mildly tasty, for that matter - but with her? With the blonde that was watching his every move, standing just in front of him in a tight pair of light washed jeans and sapphire flats? Yeah, every inch of her was scrumptious. Edible.  _'So fucking lickable… Oh god, what I wouldn't give to just lick her…'_

Call him a freak for it, but the thought of running his tongue across her lightly tanned skin, and feeling out each and every spot that reduced the woman before him to a gelatinous mound of mush… That was something he could  _very_  easily get behind. But that wasn't what this night was about. Sure, he could think about all the things he'd love to do to her, and with her, but that could wait for another time. When he was alone. For now…

He grinned down at the blonde when she took a slow step forward, then pulled her into his arms as soon as the door to her apartment was closed and locked. "Hey, cutie," he whispered as she smiled up at him, her light, surprised giggle spilling past those perfect lips of hers.

Lucy's eyes softened as she looked up at him. "Hey, handsome." Bickslow was the only man to ever call her cute in a way that made her feel like a million Jewels. When he was high, he'd called her hot, sexy, delicious even. But that single word. Just one little switch, and she knew. He was still sober. He'd only called her 'cutie' when he wasn't high. She laughed softly while standing up on her tiptoes and brushing her nose over his. "So, what's the plan for tonight?"

" _You can keep it a surprise,"_  the totems silently whispered, already knowing just how nervous Bickslow was over Lucy having a good time on their date. It was definitely endearing to see him in such a state - even though they'd been telling him earlier that he should just get rid of that little pill he'd bought from Axel. As it turned out, the bastard dealer hadn't screwed Bickslow over. That pill really had helped to even him out, just like he'd wanted. He wasn't riding some crazy high, and he wasn't dealing with the normal torrential spiral of negativity that accompanied his sobriety. This was as close to normal for Bickslow as he'd been in years, according to himself and Papa. The little souls still didn't like that he'd taken anything, but they were willing to overlook it just this once so he could enjoy himself with the sweet blonde. If anything, maybe it would help the Seith mage see that he could have a good time without the drugs.

A devious grin pulled at his lips just before he lowered them to hers. "I figured we could do something simple," he whispered, clasping his hands at the small of her back. "Dinner and, if you're up for it, maybe going down to the park?"

Lucy's smile brightened at that. She hadn't been to the park in far too long for her liking. It was something that he'd mentioned a couple nights before - when he'd been rambling and apologizing for shooting up - but she still loved the idea. Maybe his memory wasn't that bad, if he was able to pick out things that she'd told him during that time. Or maybe… Maybe there were some similarities between the high-Bickslow and  _her_ Bickslow.  _'My Bickslow? Lucy, get a grip. You're just friends. You're only dating to help him. That's it!'_

"Definitely," she answered, the excitement shining through in her soft voice. "I don't think I've ever been to the park at night before."

"Well," Bickslow said, kissing the tip of her button nose before pulling away. He bent his arm and grinned when the sweet blonde instantly placed her hand in the crook of his elbow. "Then it would be my honor to escort you, Miss Heartfilia."

The way his tongue lolled from his mouth, and the exaggerated, playful wink that was sent her way had Lucy letting out the least ladylike snort she'd ever produced - not that  _any_  snorting was ladylike, mind you. "Such a gentleman, Bickslow," she cooed dramatically as they walked toward the stairs.

"Far from it," Bickslow laughed, not even needing his babies to tell him to hold the door open for the blonde. They started making their way to the restaurant, and he found himself sighing happily when she looked up at him, tucking herself under his arm. Her hand stayed on his forearm, her fingers lightly dancing along the small scars littering his flesh, and as their eyes locked, he felt his cheeks heating up unbidden. He didn't know why it happened, but the sight of that smile on her face, and the fact that someone as fucked in the head as  _him_  was able to bring that brilliant light out of her… Giddy was the only word he could find to describe it. "But… I can try," he added. "For you."

Lucy's nose wrinkled in an instant and her lips pursed. "Nope," she cringed. "I don't want a gentleman." At his raised brow, she rest her head on his chest, smiling tenderly with a light blush on her cheeks. "I want a Bickslow. I like you just the way you are."

" _Oh. My. God!"_  Pipi screeched.

" _No kidding!"_  Popo added, its voice giving the perfect picture of eyes bugging out of its nonexistent head.  _"That was so sweet!"_

" _Between the two of you, I'll get cavities,"_ Pupu sighed.

" _You don't have teeth, Pupu,"_ Pepe chortled.

" _It's the thought that counts,"_  Pupu huffed.  _"Ass…"_

Bickslow slowly grabbed Lucy's hand, lacing his fingers with hers and gazing at the single green pinky nail that was unique from the others. "Just me?" he whispered.

She nodded, wrapping her free arm around his waist. "Just you, Bixy," she whispered back. "Just you."

* * *

_**Well I've been losing  
Grip on what I used to hold** _

* * *

Lucy smiled across the table at the Seith mage while the waitress set their dessert - a surprisingly large banana split - on the table between them. She hadn't been expecting this, to be completely honest. Their date up until that point was absolutely wonderful.

Okay, and surprisingly sweet. They had walked only a couple blocks from her apartment before Bickslow had pulled her down an alley. That alone had been cause for concern. Not because she was in an alley with Bickslow, but because she just had no idea how an alley would lead to them getting to the restaurant without trouble. Luckily though, there was no trouble at all. The came out into a quaint little street that she'd never even known existed in Magnolia. It was quiet, lined with small houses and lit up with the gentle glow of lacrima street lights.

When she'd asked where they were at, Bickslow had simply laughed quietly and said that it was a retirement community of sorts. It was always quiet there, and she was left wondering just how she'd never noticed it before. Only a little while later, with the houses shifting into small shops, Bickslow led her into another alley, then around a corner to a door that was surrounded by vines climbing the side of the building.

" _Best kept secret in town," he whispered, pulling the door open and leading her inside._

It was beautiful, and utterly breathtaking. Dim lighting filled the area, with small lanterns hanging along a thin, stone walkway. Instead of walking into a restaurant like she'd assumed, it was a courtyard edged in tall, winding trees with a nearly unnoticeable glass ceiling just under the leaves to keep the temperature even and the weather from affecting the diners. There were only a few tables that were occupied when they arrived, and Bickslow led her to a small two-person booth just off to one side.

And now, here she was, still completely entranced by what had come from their night so far. Dinner was amazing, something she would have eaten normally while she was still living in the Konzern. She and Bickslow hadn't struggled to come up with conversation material, especially when he asked to hear more about her life before Fairy Tail; specifically, her mother. He knew that she was still estranged from her father, especially after the whole Phantom War debacle, but she hadn't really told him much about her mom. After that, came her spirits, and how she met each of them. Along with some rather interesting stories from missions.

"I still can't believe you like strawberries as much as I do," Lucy laughed softly as Bickslow took a small bite of the banana split. There were four heaping scoops of strawberry ice cream, chocolate and caramel drizzled syrup, almond crumbles, sliced strawberries, and a mound of whipped cream. She was definitely going to need a serious workout after tonight.

He shrugged. "Well, they're delicious. When I found out that you could customize your dessert here, I was hooked." A small smile crept across his face when Lucy took a bite, her eyes sliding closed as she bit into a strawberry.

"How did you ever find it though?"

"Wandering around," he answered. "When Laxus helped me get cleaned up last year, I um… I had pretty bad insomnia. He'd go on walks with me, and we found this place. They were closed at the time, but I made sure to come back here."

"Oh, taking all of your girlfriends on dates here, huh?" Lucy asked playfully. She felt a wave of relief wash over her when he laughed and shook his head. It was so strange to see him like this though. She hadn't seen any of his withdrawal symptoms making an appearance, and part of her wondered if maybe he'd just shot up a little bit. Just enough to even himself out, maybe. But, his sleeves were rolled up. He was clearly showing her that he hadn't done it. Maybe… Maybe he was just pushing it to the side so he could enjoy himself.  _'If that's the case, then I won't bring it up. He's avoided talking about that all night, and we should keep it that way.'_

"Nope, no girlfriends," Bickslow chuckled. "Ever was having a bad day a couple months later, so I told her to get ready for an awesome date. Then I brought her here." He smiled reminiscently as he thought about the wide-eyed smile Evergreen had given him that night when they had walked inside. "I told Laxus to get Freed and make sure they were already waiting at the table for us. And…" He paused and laughed again. "When she realized the whole team was here, she got so confused…"

"So, what happened?" Lucy asked.

"She had an awesome date," Bickslow answered with a wide grin. "With all three of us."

Her eyes softened along with her smile. Evergreen had told Lucy just how lonely it was for her, being on a team with three men, and how she'd never really had a girl to talk to before.  _'I knew he was a total sweetheart…'_  The Fairy mage had even told her the story about Bickslow showing up at Fairy Hills dressed in drag - heels and all - just so that she would have a girl to go shopping with. Based on what Lucy knew about him, she could only assume that he was high when he did that for Evergreen, but it seemed that part of his personality, the sweet and kind and caring man that he really was, couldn't be hidden completely. No matter what else was going on. "That's really sweet, Bix."

He blushed and took another bite, then shrugged. "I was just trying to cheer her up. Didn't really think much of it at the time."

Lucy shook her head and reached her free hand across the table, tenderly holding his. "Well," she whispered, "I can tell you, Evergreen really does appreciate the stuff you've done for her."

The Seith mage looked up from where their hands were joined, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Whaddya mean?"

"She told me last night. We were having a girls' night, swapping stories and all that, and… Even when you're… Y'know… Not really all there… The stuff you do for her makes her happy. She really cares about you."

Bickslow frowned slightly. "She… does?" he whispered.

"Of course," Lucy said earnestly. "Don't you see how much your team really cares?"

He sighed and shrugged helplessly. He never really thought about whether or not his team cared about him. Laxus had cared about him - at least, he hoped the blond Slayer did - but it just never seemed like Freed and Evergreen did. He never really felt connected with his team, but… What if… What if maybe that was just  _his_  perception of things? Had he really been bonding with Freed and Evergreen, building some sort of friendship with them, even while he was high as hell? "Not really," he muttered. "But…"

Lucy gently squeezed his hand, then smiled while lifting a spoonful of their slowly disappearing dessert toward him. A deeper flush crossed his cheeks as his mouth opened, and she pushed the treat between his lips. "Well," she giggled, pulling the spoon out, "They do care. Her and Freed both."

Bickslow couldn't help but smile at her.

"You know," Lucy said curiously, "I just realized… I haven't seen your babies."

Bickslow's smile widened into a devious grin. "They're here," he chuckled. The hand that was still interlocked with the Celestial mage's shifted slightly to show off a thin hemp bracelet with five charms on it. "They said they'd be on their best behavior, but… I shouldn't have them floating around on our date."

Lucy smiled down at the bracelet when she saw each of the little charms jiggle slightly. "Well, hey babies," she whispered before looking up into Bickslow's crimson eyes. "And I don't mind if they're floating around. I love your babies."

"Cosplayer loves us," the little souls sighed happily, causing Lucy and Bickslow to laugh.

"I don't think I've ever seen you wear jewelry though," Lucy added thoughtfully.

He shrugged. "I don't usually. But I got this a while back for when I need to keep my babies hidden. I don't really like going anywhere without them…" And he didn't. The times he'd left his babies somewhere always ate at Bickslow, because he felt like he was abandoning them. It was something he'd promised all five souls that he would never do… He'd promised that they would never be alone again.

" _We know you care about us, Bickslow. Focus on Lucy, okay?"_

Bickslow internally nodded and his eye caught on the necklace he'd given Lucy earlier in the day. It really did look perfect on her.  _"Would it be okay if I told her about the necklace?"_

" _You'd have to explain why she needs it,"_  the little souls answered.  _"But… We think she'd like to know."_

" _And, she'll learn more about you,"_  Popo added.  _"That's what first dates are about. Getting to know each other."_

"Hey, Lucy," Bickslow said hesitantly. When her head tilted to one side as she took another bite, he gave her a timid smile. "Do you know anything about chakras?"

* * *

_**I don't want you  
To be better off without me** _

* * *

She shook her head. "Not really. I kinda always thought that was just some weird thing that hippies made up."

Bickslow laughed. "No, they're real. Chakras are like… parts of your soul."

She blinked in surprise at that. Bickslow never really told her about his magic, but she wondered if this was actually a part of it. He had told her a little about what souls look like though. "I thought you said that souls are like a ball of glass in someone's chest that's filled with light."

"They are," he nodded. "When I look at someone's soul, that's what I see at first glance. It's kinda like getting a summary of a person, y'know? The color of someone's soul depends on the person they are, and their magic.  _But_ , if I look closer, it breaks down into separate sections."

"What do they do?" Lucy asked, smiling when she felt Bickslow's thumb circling over the back of her hand.

"Well, it depends on which one we're talking about. They all do different things," Bickslow said slowly. "Like…" He hummed in thought for a minute, then grinned. "Okay, so there's one between your ribs and your belly button." He paused and placed his free hand on his stomach. "It's called Manipura, or the solar-plexus chakra."

The fact that some foreign language just slipped past Bickslow's lips shouldn't have sent a shiver down Lucy's spine. The slight roll of his tongue in the middle of the word just made him ten times more exotic than she'd thought before. And what seemed odd to her, was that it suited him somehow. It was almost as though his native tongue had slipped out.  _'I thought he was from around here…'_

"It's where things like will power, self-esteem, and raw emotions are at. Like, when you get a gut feeling? That's where it comes from. And, if it's out of balance, there's all kinds of stuff that happens, one way or another." Bickslow gave her another soft smile, then nodded to her necklace. "Sometimes, when one of your chakras is out of balance, it throws off the others. And then you need help getting things back in order."

Lucy's lips pursed, and she absently brought her free hand up to her necklace after setting her spoon down in the empty dish. "What kind of help?" she asked carefully.

His eyes saddened slightly. "There's different ways to go about doing it. You can meditate and focus on whatever chakra it is. You can go to a Reiki healer, and they'll shift the energy around and help get things back in order. Or…" He lightly squeezed her hand. "There's crystal therapy."

Lucy's eyes went wide at that. "You mean…"

Bickslow sighed and nodded. "The morning after we were down at the docks," he said softly, "When I came out of the bathroom, I saw your soul. What happened… It hurt you, and that's my fault. I didn't look too close, and I'm only guessing, but… You're keeping secrets for me, and I can tell you don't like doing it. So, I figured I'd try to help you a little bit. Lapis stones can be used for Visuddha - the throat - or Ajna, the third eye."

Lucy's brow pushed together in confusion. "I don't get it," she said slowly. "You're saying something's wrong with me?"

"No," he answered quickly. "Not wrong, just… What happened down there… Your soul is hurting, and I can see it. I just wanted to help… It won't do all the work for you or anything, but… That stone can help you be more open to working through things." He sighed and looked down at their joined hands. "I'm sorry, Lucy. I didn't want you to hurt anymore, and it's my fault it happened… So, I figured it was only right for me to help fix what I did…"

" _Bickslow, tell her what else that stone does…"_

" _It doesn't do anything else, babies."_

Lucy chewed her lower lip for a moment, running her fingers over the stone pendant. So, the sweet gift he'd given her was because he messed up, and he was trying to help her? Her soul was hurt somehow by what they'd done? Sure, she felt guilty and absolutely horrid where that junkie's death was concerned, but she was keeping it a secret for both her safety and Bickslow's. There hadn't even been anything in the news about a body being found. But, was that all the necklace was? Just Bickslow's way of apologizing and fixing her? She'd hoped that maybe it was something more, but…

"Oh," Bickslow chuckled as realization hit. "It does more than just that though."

"How so?"

"Well, stones help rid your chakras of negativity by getting your focus geared on something positive or constructive. Lapis helps your Visuddha and Ajna by getting rid of guilt, or that heavy feeling in your heart… But, it also promotes creativity." He grinned when she looked at him curiously. "Your writing," he added quietly. "Whenever you get stuck, it'll help you get yourself going again."

"My… writing?" Lucy asked, a small smile fighting to pull at her lips.

"Yeah," Bickslow answered. "You told me about how you're writing a book, and… Well, I know sometimes writers get stuck. Plus…" A deep flush crossed his cheeks while he looked into her eyes. "I saw that and it made me think of you. I-It um… Well, it shines like you do."

A wide smile broke out across her face, and Lucy couldn't even begin to care how silly she might have looked. That was, by far, one of the sweetest things anyone had ever said to her. So Bickslow was a little on the awkward side from time to time, and timid through and through. The gift was thoughtful, and perfect. Just feeling it against her fingers had a calming effect of sorts even before she'd found out just what it was for. But the fact of the matter was, when she really thought about it… It didn't matter if the only reason he gave the necklace to her - which, she was definitely happy that it wasn't the only reason - was because he was trying to balance her chakras out. Bickslow was taking responsibility for something that had happened to her soul because of her helping him, and when she put it into perspective that way… It made her heart just melt into a puddle right then and there.  _'I could definitely see myself falling for a guy like him,'_  she thought happily.

* * *

_**Tell me** _   
_**When I start to blow it would you** _   
_**Show me** _

* * *

Bickslow couldn't help but grin as Lucy's grip on his hand tightened while she ran toward the swings. He could tell that her ankle wasn't hurting her nearly as much as it had been earlier that week, and the fact that their date hadn't gone south yet was something that had him absolutely giddy. Sure, he figured it was only a matter of time before he found a way to screw things up, but until then, he was just going to enjoy himself. Much like Lucy was doing.

Her smile was unbelievably wide, and her laughter was giddy and contagious. He really loved seeing her smile. Maybe it was because of the necklace he'd given her, doing just what it did best, or maybe it was because of something else, but she just seemed to shine a little bit more. Without a moment's hesitation, he dashed around the swing that she settled herself off and placed his hands on her back, then gave her a push.

Any awkwardness that was left from the tail end of their conversation at dinner had disappeared completely during the walk from the restaurant to the park, and Lucy couldn't have been happier about it. And now? Now, Bickslow was pushing her on the swing as though they were kids. Higher and higher, with his hands never straying past the bottom hem of her shirt with each subsequent push.

Bickslow took a seat on the swing next to the blonde, watching happily as her hair fanned out as she cut through the air. The slight flush to her cheeks and the pure joy glimmering in her eyes nearly had him jumping up just to wrap his arms around her. This was what he'd wanted the whole time. To have a date with Lucy and just enjoy themselves. Bickslow didn't want to think about anything aside from the blonde, but that also brought something else to mind. Something that Lucy had every right to know now that they were dating.

As her swing slowed, Lucy looked to the silent Seith mage with a smile. "Hey, why aren't you swinging with me?" she asked, slightly breathless. Thankfully, her ribs weren't too painful right then. They had been sore as could be earlier in the day, and she'd actually been worried that she wouldn't want to do a whole lot of anything because of it. The universe was apparently on her side for the time being though, and she was perfectly fine with that.

Bickslow gave her a tight smile, then looked down at his hands.

" _Now really isn't the time to bring that up, Bickslow,"_ his babies silently told him.

" _She should know, babies."_

" _Not during your date. Tell her later."_

" _No. I wanna be honest with her…"_ Bickslow sighed softly, then looked over at Lucy again. "So, I wanna talk to you about something," he said slowly.

A concerned frown pursed her lips as she planted her feet on the ground. "Sure, what's up?"

"It's um… It's probably not the best time to bring it up, but… I just…" He sighed again, rubbing his hands together. His skin wasn't crawling this time, though; he was just nervous. "I figured you should know about it, and uh… I-I wanna be honest with you."

Soft brown eyes gazed into conflicted crimson, and she nodded. "Alright."

"W-Well… Okay, so uh…" Where did he even start with something like this? At the beginning, maybe… But that would take way too long, and it would just bring up tons of shit from his past. That wasn't something he really wanted to get into with her right then, or ever really.  _'Just pick a spot and go,'_  he thought. "Okay, so y'know how I've got that um… Problem…"

Lucy nodded again. "Right…?"

"And how I'm always all grabby and shit while I'm messed up?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I was talking to my babies yesterday, and they told me something. And I figured I'd listen to them, and… I uh… I went to a clinic and got tested."

Lucy blinked, her thin brow winging up and nearly flying off of her forehead.  _'Tested… Oh god. This is NOT what… Oh my god… What's… Uh…'_

Bickslow reached into his pocket, and pulled out the results that he'd gotten just that morning after returning from his mission with Freed. While he unfolded it and handed the paper to her, he continued. "I've never had sex or anything while I was clean, and… My babies said that I should get checked out, because y'know… I probably wasn't always exactly  _safe_ … S-So, uh…"

Lucy frowned down at the page. Negative, negative, negative, non-reactive…  _'Positive for… Wow…'_  She read the page twice more, then slowly lifted her gaze to Bickslow. "Gonorrhea."

He nodded and ducked his head. "I got the shot thing though. And some pills for the next week. I just… You deserve to know. I didn't wanna keep it from you, because well… You're my girlfriend, and… If it was something worse…" He shook his head. "You should know though, so… There's that…" He felt absolutely horrible over what had come back. It could have been so much fucking worse than this. He could've had something that wasn't curable. If, by some miracle, he and Lucy had actually had sex, then he could've given this shit to her.

Lucy honestly hadn't the foggiest idea of how to take this. Sure, it was definitely mature of Bickslow to think about something like this - or, rather, listen to his babies when they told him he needed to do it - but what exactly was the reason he'd told her right then?  _'What, did he think we were gonna have sex after our date?'_  If that was the case, then she was seriously reconsidering the whole concept of Bickslow being a sweetheart when he wasn't high. She didn't want to believe it, but… What else was she supposed to think? "So, um… You didn't think we were gonna…"

Bickslow jolted in surprise. "What? No!" he nearly shouted, then winced. Much softer, he said, "I-I'm not saying we're  _gonna_  do that, just… I-If you wanted to… Well, we'd have to wait. And um…"

"And what?" she asked, handing the paper back to him. She didn't need to see it anymore. She knew what it said, and she would be lying if she said that she wasn't just a little sickened by it. If you weren't going to be careful when you had sex, then this was just what you deserved. But… At the same time… She knew Bickslow. She didn't think he really deserved anything like this, because he was trying to get himself clean. He was struggling, sure. But at least he was making an honest effort to do it.

"And," he sighed, his shoulders slumping. He knew that he should have listened to his babies.  _'Why can't I ever just listen to them when it matters the most?'_

" _Yeah, she REALLY didn't need to know that your dick is under quarantine,"_  Pepe sighed.

Bickslow shook his head at that. He could see that much, just by the wide-eyed stare he was getting from the blonde. "You decide when that happens, anyway," he whispered. "I'm all kinds of messed up, and I'm really not in any place to make decisions about shit like that. I don't even know when I got it, or how long I've had it… But, I never had any of the symptoms the doctor told me about, so he said I might never have found out unless I went to get tested… And he said that you couldn't get it from kissing me, just in case you were wondering, but I won't blame you if you don't wanna kiss me until I'm all done with the antibiotics. And..." He shook his head again. Now he was rambling. Great.

Lucy blinked slowly.

Problem was, Bickslow really just couldn't stop himself. He'd finally started, and it was something he'd really been meaning to tell Lucy all along. "I know we haven't been dating that long. And I'm still over the damn moon that you even let me ask you out in the first place. I just… You're the one that decides when we do whatever… Y'know, like…" He shrugged. "Anything more than what we've done."

" _This is a really awkward conversation, Bickslow,"_ Pipi sighed.

" _What you're telling her is pretty much implied,"_  Popo added.

" _Yeah, it's always the chick that chooses, Bickslow,"_  Pupu continued.

"Just, no matter what… You choose. So, if you don't ever wanna move past kissing and shit, then I get it. I'm fine with that, too. I uh…" He winced. "I-I've never dated anyone before, so I don't really know… How it all works. Or, when shit's supposed to happen… Or… Anything, really. So…" He gave the blonde a silent, pleading look. "Whatever you wanna do. Whenever. I won't push anything."

Lucy was well and truly flummoxed. By all of it. Yeah, this really wasn't some news she wanted to get while on her very first date with her boyfriend - even if they were together only so that Bickslow would feel like he had another reason to stay clean - but she had to at least hand it to him… This was definitely the right thing to do. Horrible,  _horrible_  timing, but still the right thing. And to think, that night when they'd found his babies down at the docks, she'd been so damn ready to just jump his bones (at first).

Still, not once had a guy openly told her that their relationship would only move forward when she was ready. It was always implied. Always left up to clumsy guesswork on both sides, wondering whether or not the other person really wanted what you wanted, or if they were ready to take the relationship to another level. Sure, there were times when the guy she was with just seemed to know instinctively when it was time to heat things up, but… Bickslow had just given her all the control in their relationship. He was admitting that he really wasn't in the right place to decide anything like that, had even told her that he wasn't going to push anything on her - which meant that the times he did it while he was high was because he found her attractive, and he was excitable.  _'It really is pretty sweet that he's doing this…'_

Bickslow let out a heavy sigh and stared down at his hands when Lucy just continued staring at him. "Sorry," he muttered. "I guess I kinda ruined this. I-I've never done this before, so… Sorry."

When he moved to stand up, most likely ready to walk her home and end their night, Lucy reached over and grabbed his hand to keep him on the swing. "No," she whispered, a small smile on her face when he turned to look at her in question. "It's a little odd, but…" She paused and laced their fingers together, their hands dangling in the space between their swings. "I'm glad you told me, Bickslow. Thank you for being honest with me." She had to try and be at least a little understanding. Honestly, there was probably some asshole out there that she'd had a fling with that hadn't always used a condom. She always did, without fail, and made sure to get herself tested anyway every few months, but… The tables could really have been turned. Besides, this was just one more reminder for the Seith mage that he needed to clean up his act. This could have been so much worse than it was, and he really was just lucky, she guessed.

Bickslow leaned his head against the chain on the swing, staring down at their joined hands. "I don't like lying to you," he whispered.

Neither mage was aware of the presence of another Fairy Tail mage passing by just across the street, on her way home from the guild. She paused at the odd movement in the corner of her eye, then turned toward the park and smiled when she saw the blonde Celestial mage sitting with her date, Bickslow, on the swingset. Her deep blue eyes were saddened, however, when she saw the nearly suffocating aura that surrounded the pair.

The entire guild knew about the date between the strange couple, and everyone was oddly excited about just how things would turn out. The guild's resident pervert extraordinaire, and the sweet Celestial mage.

' _I'll help them out,'_  she thought with a soft smile. Their date definitely need a little pick-me-up, something that could completely douse the depressing air around them. She wanted Lucy and Bickslow to have a wonderful time together.  _'And I want Love Rival to stay away from my Gray-sama…'_  With that thought in mind, Juvia channeled her magic, focusing on gathering water in the clouds above them. Rain could wash away anything, after all.

* * *

_**Tell me** _   
_**What I need to do before you** _   
_**Hate me** _

* * *

Lucy giggled when a few droplets of water landed on her nose, then looked at Bickslow. "It's raining," she whispered as the rain picked up from a light sprinkle to just less than a downpour. It was steady, heavy, but not pounding down on her and the Seith mage at her side.

Bickslow looked up toward the sky and smirked. "Really?" he asked, looking left and right, then back to the blonde as he stood up. "From where I stand, the sun is shining all over the place."

Lucy blinked in surprise as she was pulled to her feet, and right into Bickslow's chest. Her eyes slid closed of their own accord when his head dipped, but she was left wanting when he tenderly kissed the corner of her mouth instead of her puckered and ready lips. She knew it probably wasn't the best idea to just move on from the news that Bickslow had a sexually transmitted infection, but… Sometimes she was alright with  _not_  being the smartest cookie. "I don't see any sun," she giggled.

" _Oh my god, he's gonna do it!"_  Pipi giggled.

" _Yes! It'll make her swoon!"_  Pupu cheered.

" _Cue the violins!"_ Popo chirped.

Bickslow grinned and placed one hand low on Lucy's back, his free hand seeking out one of hers. He didn't really care about the rain that was pouring down on the both of them. Or the fact that there was a very familiar sea-blue soul just across the street that he just realized was the cause for the sudden weather change. He'd be thanking her for the distraction later. Instead of anything else, he focused on Lucy. Quietly, he began humming as he swayed from side to side with the blonde.

Lucy's eyes narrowed and her head tilted to one side when she heard him. That song was strangely familiar. She just couldn't place it. The content, yet no less mischievous, smile that spread across the Seith mage's face had another small laugh bubbling up in her throat. And she couldn't help but stare in surprise when he started singing.

 _I'm singin' in the rain_  
Just singin' in the rain.  
What a glorious feelin'  
I'm happy again.

That was why she couldn't place it. His humming had been horribly off key. Luckily, once the lyrics started tumbling from his lips, she knew exactly what song it was; and the fact that he figured out just which notes to sing had her internally sighing in relief. Still, she couldn't help but laugh about it all, with a huge grin on her face, nonetheless. He sounded like Gene Kelly had been locked in a closet and screaming for his tap shoes and Fred Astaire's head for hours on end. In a word, raspy. Okay, and in another word… Sexy. There was a throaty timbre to his voice that would most likely have had her panties quite literally shimmying themselves right the hell off of her if she wasn't wearing jeans. And still, miraculously… There was only a small vibrato, and a levity just beneath it all that had her stomach filling with little grasshoppers, all wearing three pairs of tap shoes and dancing in puddles to the tune in her head and the lyrics from the Seith mage's lips.

She leaned up and captured his lips briefly, watching as his swirly-cornered ruby eyes crinkled when he grinned down at her. Just before he could keep singing, Lucy decided to cut in. It wasn't like she made a habit out of singing in front of  _anyone_  - because, seriously that shit was absolutely terrifying - but Bickslow was so damn shy most of the time. If he could push himself out of his comfort zone to bring their date to a much happier level, then so could she.

_I'm laughin' at clouds  
So dark up above._

Now  _that_  was some damn singing. At least, as far as Bickslow was concerned, it was. This was one of the few times he was glad that memorizing lines from movies was something that came so easily to him. He couldn't remember what day it was sometimes, but quotes... Quotes, he could remember. And this moment with Lucy? Dancing with the sweet blonde, listening to her lilting, breathy voice, and watching as her drenched hair started clinging to her head and shoulders while they danced… He wouldn't forget this either.

Being with Lucy like this just made him feel alive. He loved it.  _This_  was what he'd been aching for, for years. Something he'd never once experienced, just… Being happy. Being free. Was this really what he'd been missing out on for so long? Was this what he'd been trying to create with the drugs? He didn't want to think about his addiction though. Not right then.  _'Just live in the moment, ass…'_ He was going to follow his own advice, and found himself chuckling when the little souls that were housed in the bracelet around his wrist agreed with him wholeheartedly.

_The sun's in my heart  
And I'm ready for love_

Bickslow stumbled slightly at that last line from the blonde, but laughed and quickly righted himself before he could drag Lucy down with him. He could blame it on a puddle, but the heat on his cheeks would give him away. Luckily, Lucy's face was just as bright a red as his own. And the small, choked, squeaking sound that came from the Celestial mage in his arms let him know that he wasn't the only one that was just a little embarrassed by the lyrics.

Instead of freaking out over it though, Bickslow just went with it. He laughed and started dancing in a wider circle, leading her over to the seesaw and continuing with their little impromptu song and dance.

 _Let the stormy clouds chase_  
Everyone from the place  
Come on with the rain,  
I've a smile on my face.

Lucy nibbled her lip and followed Bickslow as he took slow steps backwards onto the seesaw. His eyes were glimmering with excitement when she took her first step onto the little wooden platform, and a wide grin spread over his face with each step she took. Just how the Seith mage was able to so easily do something like balancing on the slippery playground equipment, walking backwards, without even the slightest bit of hesitation, was absolutely beyond her. His hands slid away from hers once she was balanced, and she watched, enthralled, as he continued moving backwards to the opposite end. Just far enough that her side began lifting from the ground until the beam was parallel to the ground again.

Bickslow laughed when Lucy shrieked in surprise, then took another two steps backwards so her end shot up into the air with the sudden weight difference. Her arms flailed while she tried to keep herself upright, but the rain on the beam - and the lack of traction on her flats - made it so that she glided perfectly. Right into his arms again.

 _I'll walk down the lane,_  
With a happy refrain  
Just singin',  
Singin' in the rain.

Lucy squealed when Bickslow's arms wound around her waist, her own instantly circling his neck, and he lifted her into the air. Circle after dizzying circle, he spun them away from the seesaw and over to a large section of grass that was free of equipment. His hair was soaked and completely disheveled, and her fingers unconsciously sifted through the blue locks to slick them back and away from his face.

He slowly loosened his grip on the blonde, unable to tear his gaze from her as he lowered her feet to the ground. She didn't let go though, so neither did he. Instead, their faces inched closer and closer.

Closer, still.

Until finally, his lips were brushing against hers just enough for Lucy to feel her body quivering and her breath just up and leaving her lightheaded as it ran for the hills.

 _Dancin' in the rain_  
_I'm happy again.  
I'm singin' and dancin' in the rain._

She closed the distance between them in an instant though. This was something she'd never gotten to experience. Aside from the fact that it was raining enough to have her worrying about catching pneumonia, she'd never done this. Being on a playground at night, acting like they were little kids. Playing in the rain. She prided herself on being pretty strong-willed most times, but right then… She was putty in his hands. She hardly paid any attention to the fact that Bickslow's babies continued humming the song while they kissed, and instead found that she was lost in the way his lips moved over hers.

Juvia watched with a smile on her face as the couple lost themselves completely in each other. No matter what she said about Lucy being her 'Love Rival', she still liked the blonde. Besides, Lucy made a much more appealing image with Bickslow. The pair swayed slowly from side to side, even though there wasn't any music, and that was when Juvia realized that she really shouldn't be watching them. No matter how perfect of a picture it made.  _'A picture…'_  Her smile widened, and she quickly pulled out the camera she used to get perfect, candid pictures of Gray. She thinned the flow of water that was in the path leading to the oblivious, kissing, couple - with only a few droplets of water dripping between herself and them - then snapped a quick photo. Then another two, just to be sure she got the perfect shot. Once the camera was back in her bag, Juvia lessened the rainfall to a light drizzle that would naturally taper off into nothing, then made her way back home. She had pictures to develop, after all.

Lucy took the smallest step closer to Bickslow, pressing herself tightly against his chest. It was still only his lips on hers, even though part of her was desperate for that long, lithe tongue of his to snake out and tease her brain right out of her head. Still, she was perfectly fine with it. She was fine with going slow. She shivered when one of his large hands slid down from the small of her back and over the curve of her jean-covered backside - although it wasn't clear whether the sudden tremble of her knees was from Bickslow or because of the late November chill in the air.

Bickslow slowly pulled back, his eyes staying closed and a small smile on his face as their foreheads rested together.

His eyes cracked open and he glanced at her soul. And he fought to suppress a wide grin when he saw the crack in her soul had mended itself. She was getting better. He'd been hoping that he could help her, and it had worked.

As his eyes slid closed again, he realized something… This was reason enough for him to stay clean. Moments like this with Lucy. It wasn't romantic. He wasn't head over heels for her. But this… He was having fun, and he'd found a reason to smile. The drugs didn't do this for him, she did. The sweet blonde had done this, and he couldn't be happier about it.

* * *

_**Tell me** _   
_**'Cause I could never live with that so** _   
_**Help me** _   
_**Before you're better off without me** _

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, there are several things that were used as a reference for this chapter, so here are all the links…
> 
> Lapis lazuli, the necklace Lucy was given and the stones the babies were in:  
> g01.a.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1GeMsIFXXXXaoaXXXq6xXFXXXW/Free-Shipping-Natural-Lapis-Lazuli-Gem-Stone-Heart-Silver-Plated-Flower-Reiki-Chakra-Healing-Pendant-Bead.jpg
> 
> Bickslow's outfit:  
> store.farmhandsupply.net/content/255087/M0D6735-111.jpg
> 
> Lucy's shirt:  
> gloimg.rosegal.com/rosegal/2015/201511/goods-img/1447461950522-P-3442215.jpg?20131202008
> 
> The song Bickslow and Lucy sing at the end, for any of you that don't know, is from the movie 'Singin' In the Rain'. Here's a link (on YouTube) for the scene:  
> Gene Kelly - 'Singing in The Rain' (watch?v=D1ZYhVpdXbQ)


	12. Every Step You Take

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Aaron Krause: Every Breath You Take  
> (I know this is a cover, but this particular rendition fits the mood of the chapter better than the original)

 

__**Every breath you take  
Every move you make  
**

* * *

Three days had gone by since their first real date, and Lucy answered her door at the crack of dawn with bleary, sleep-filled eyes and a scowl on her face. One that melted into a soft smile once she saw Bickslow grinning at her with his tongue hanging from his mouth and a single flower held in his outstretched hand. "What are you doing here so early?" she yawned, stepping back so he could come inside after accepting the sweet little gift.

He chuckled once the door was closed and pushed Lucy against it, his hands reaching down and seeking hers out to lace their fingers together. "I missed you, Cosplayer," he purred, letting his slightly chapped lips brush over her cheek.

She giggled and rolled her eyes, turning her head so she could get a proper kiss. It was short and sweet, and broken up only by Bickslow smiling and lightly nibbling at her lip. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Mmm," he hummed, feeling her fingers gliding over his hands before her arms wound around his waist. "Nope. Early, maybe… Or late, depending on whether you've slept or not." He pulled back and grinned down at her through the slats of his visor. "But, I wanna take my sexy little Cosplayer out for breakfast, either way. Whaddya say?"

She raised an intrigued brow at him. "I should probably get dressed then."

Bickslow shook his head, his smile becoming more devious by the second. He stepped back, pulling Lucy along with him away from the door and through the apartment. "I think you look good enough to eat, baby," he rasped.

Lucy froze, a frown pulling at her lips when he bent to kiss her again. She ducked to the side, ignoring the way he chuckled and began placing soft, open-mouthed kisses along her neck and bared shoulder. "Bickslow," she sighed. "Did you shoot up?"

"Nope," he chuckled. "I just wanna gobble you up, though."

"Bix, be honest with me…" When he simply ignored her, Lucy rolled her eyes and grabbed his tongue as it dragged over her jaw, then pulled herself from his grasp. "Tell me the truth," she whispered. "Did you?"

His head tipped from one side to the other playfully. "You gon' be mad ith I did?" he asked, his words slightly muffled from her still holding his tongue.

"Not mad," Lucy said softly. "You know I won't be mad over it."

"Juth dithappointed…"

"I want better for you, Bix."

He let out a heavy sigh and slowly moved to wrap his arms around her again. Once she let go of his tongue, he pulled it back into his mouth and gently rubbed his nose over her neck. "Yeah," he whispered sadly. "Not a lot though… I cut back… Sorta."

"Why'd you do it?" she asked running a hand over his back. She had no idea whether or not he could even feel what she was doing, considering he was wearing the gobs of layers and his crazy pinstriped outfit that he normally wore to the guild. Still, it gave her something to do.

* * *

__**Every bond you break  
Every step you take  
I'll be watching you.**

* * *

"I was having a shitty night," he muttered. Was he going to tell her that he'd shot up after dropping her off at home after their date? Or that he was high for the past few days, and she hadn't noticed? No. Hell no, he wouldn't. Fact of the matter was, Bickslow felt like shit for almost ruining their date with his bullshit. When he hadn't listened to his babies, and decided that she needed to know about the current - and nearly complete, now - quarantine on his cock, he could see the shock and slight disgust on her face at the time. Sure, Lucy had gotten over it, to a point, and even let him kiss her still, but… He should have waited.

He'd just been spiralling for the past couple days over the shit. Over how he could have hurt Lucy by giving it to her. How everything that's happened between them up to that point has been about his issues, when he wanted it to be about more than that. How this was all his parents' fault… And how he was blaming everyone else, when it was his problem to begin with.

"A shitty night," she sighed with a nod. "Anything you wanna talk about?"

"Not particularly. Just the same stuff…"

Lucy nodded again. "How come you didn't call?"

He shook his head at that. Why hadn't he called her? He knew he was supposed to, and his babies had told him to just turn around and go back to Lucy's apartment after dropping her off when that little blue pill Axel had given him wore off, but he hadn't listened. "Didn't listen to my babies… Again… I'll try to remember next time…"

"I hope you do call," Lucy whispered tenderly, pulling back to kiss his cheek just under his visor. "Or just come over. Either way, I wanna help, alright?"

"Sure thing, baby," he sighed, a small smile pulling at his lips when he saw her blush. "You like it when I call you that, huh?"

Lucy shrugged, then found herself laughing when Bickslow pulled off his visor and waggled his eyebrows at her. "Maybe I do."

"Don't make me go Bieber on you, hot stuff."

Lucy blanched and visibly shuddered. "God… No… Please…"

"You sure? Baby, baby, ba-" Bickslow cackled when Lucy slapped a hand over his mouth.

"Baby, baby, baby, ooh!" the totems sang, giggling when Lucy laughed and started swatting them away.

"That's the whole song, right?" Bickslow chuckled after wriggling free from her hand.

"Pretty much," Lucy laughed. "Maybe a couple more ooh's and aah's, but that's the gist." She sighed softly when Bickslow grinned and pressed a tender kiss to her cheek. "You'll try, right?"

"Yep, I'll keep trying," he whispered. "I'm sorry…"

Lucy nodded, her fingers easily finding their way up into his hair to try and fix the longer blue strands. It was hopeless for the most part, she already knew, but the suddenly content smile on his face more than made up for it. "Gimme a little bit to shower and get dressed, okay?"

"You got it." He paused and pulled her back to his chest again when she kissed his cheek and started to walk off. "Need any help in there?" he whispered slyly.

The thought of a very naked Bickslow being anywhere  _near_  Lucy had the blush that had started to disappear coming back full force. Still, even though she would have loved to say,  _'Yes, please take off your clothes and let me ogle you. In fact, just become a nudist, so I can do it all the time,'_  she couldn't. There was no way she was going to let things escalate in their relationship so quickly.  _'Okay, and because he's still taking antibiotics… And because he's high right now… And…'_ Lucy shook her head with a roll of her eyes. "Nope. I think I can manage."

Bickslow laughed and shrugged, then planted a quick kiss on her lips. "If you say so. Lemme know if you change your mind." He let out a soft sigh as Lucy stuck out her tongue and walked off to the bathroom, then made his way over to the couch. It wouldn't be too long before she was ready, so all he needed to do was occupy himself until then. With that thought in mind, he set his visor on the coffee table, then pulled the pad of paper out of one of his many pockets.

"Sudoku time?" the totems asked softly.

"Yep," Bickslow nodded as he focused on the grid and the few numbers he'd already written in. "Sudoku time, babies."

Lucy silently closed the door to the bathroom with a soft smile on her face. She hadn't known that Bickslow liked that little game in the first place, but… It was definitely a pleasant surprise. Even more was just how adorable he looked while he focused on something. The small furrow in his deep blue eyebrows, the wrinkle in the person-shaped mark in the middle of his face, how he pulled his lower lip between his teeth while wiggling the pencil in his hand back and forth.  _'He's absolutely precious… Now, if only he'd stop with the drugs…'_

* * *

__**Every single day  
Every word you say  
**

* * *

The couple made their way to the guild after having breakfast together at a small bakery that Lucy had never known existed. It seemed that Bickslow had a penchant for randomly stumbling on small shops that most people passed right by. Lucy refused to let the fact that Bickslow had shot up that morning get to her, though. She was glad that his babies had agreed to help her make sure he couldn't get more after he came down, since they'd told her that it was the last of his stash. Granted, they also told her that he'd gotten high after their date, but that he said he didn't want her to know about it, because she might break up with him. It definitely hurt more than it should have - knowing that he'd lied to her, and that she hadn't caught on over the past couple days - but there wasn't much she could do about that.

" _He really is trying,"_ the totems had told her when the Seith mage had gone to the bathroom.  _"He hears voices sometimes, when he's hallucinating and trying not to do it. Bickslow knows they're just in his head, though. It's why he can't stop himself… And why he doesn't call, when he really wants to. But he tries really hard to do the right thing..."_

There wasn't anything she could do about that, and even though she had started feeling like this was just a hopeless cause, she refused to give up. From what she could tell, that's all that he'd ever gotten before. People giving up on him. Lucy refused to let that be the case this time around. She wouldn't leave him behind, and she wouldn't just give up. Laxus had been trying to help Bickslow for years, and he'd only succeeded in getting the Seith mage clean for two months straight.

When she'd been feeling hopeless over what she was trying to do, thinking that maybe it would take years for  _her_  just to get to a point where she could keep him clean for more than a week, Bickslow had come out of the bathroom and sat down right next to her in the small booth instead of taking his previous seat across from her. He'd wrapped an arm around her shoulders, brushed his lips across her forehead, then laced their fingers together and lifted their joined hands slightly.

" _Thanks for not giving up on me, baby,"_   _he whispered. "I'm your green, right?"_

Lucy had been confused over just what he'd meant, until she looked at their hands. And saw the little green pinky nail she had painted as a reminder for him to stay clean.

" _Yeah, Bixy," she whispered back, lifting their hands and kissing the single green nail that stuck out from the other black ones. "You're my green."_

Lucy looked up at Bickslow when she felt his arm wrapping around her shoulders again as they walked to the guild. A small smile pulled at her lips when she saw him grinning down at her. "What?" she giggled.

"Just watching you thinking," he answered. "What's on your mind?"

"You."

"Oh? Am I naked?" he laughed, his tongue hanging from his mouth.

"Nope, just green." Her smile stayed in place when his steps faltered for a moment, and the blonde turned and wrapped both arms around his waist when he simply stared at her with his mouth thinned to a line. Her chin rested on his chest while she looked up at him, and she lightly ran her hands over his back. "We're gonna have a great day today, right?"

"Definitely," Bickslow whispered, a slow smile spreading across his face. "I've got a sexy Cosplayer in my arms. How am I  _not_ gonna have a great day?"

"Well, you make sure to let me know when you start coming down." She stood up on the tips of her toes, letting her hands lightly glide up his chest - and wishing he was wearing that dress shirt he'd had on during their date so she could feel the muscles hidden beneath - and hooking them behind his neck. "We can head to your place, and-"

"I like your place better," he interjected.

Lucy rolled her eyes and smiled. "There's nothing wrong with your apartment."

"You'll be bored if we're not at yours though," he chuckled.

"Fine. We'll go to my place, and you can crash there."

"You sure?"

"Mm-hmm. Maybe I'll even give you a back rub when you wake up."

Bickslow grinned at that. "You mean, I get to have your hands all over me… I'm fine with that."

"Of course you are," Lucy laughed softly. She placed a quick, chaste kiss on his lips, then turned and started making her way to the guild again. She smiled up at the Seith mage when his arm wrapped around her waist, his fingers lightly brushing over the bit of bare flesh on her stomach between her tube top and skirt, then raised an intrigued brow when he opened the door to the guild and ushered her inside.

A shrill squeal pierced the early morning din of the guild, and all eyes were drawn to the flailing, white-haired barmaid as she quite literally threw a tray full of food into the air and started fanning herself. The glasses and plates crashed to the ground, and Mira promptly lost consciousness. She would have landed in the mess all over the floor, if it wasn't for Freed jumping up and catching her. He could hear her mumbling something, and leaned down to figure out just what it was, then blanched and dropped the woman unceremoniously to the ground in his shock - and maybe a little disgust.

"Blonde hair… Red eyes… So many babies…" Mira mumbled.

Slowly, the guild turned to the still-open guild doors, and saw the cause for Mira's sudden loss of control. Fairy Tail's newest - and strangest - couple, Bickslow and Lucy, were standing just inside with the Seith mage's arm wrapped around the Celestial mage, and both of their jaws dropped open.

"Uh," Lucy blinked. "What the…"

Evergreen laughed and waved the two over.

"I have no idea," Bickslow whispered. He started leading Lucy to the table that held Freed and Evergreen, considering her team hadn't shown up just yet, and a devious grin settled on his lips when Mira started to regain consciousness. He pulled Lucy to a stop just as Freed was helping the Takeover mage stand up and pull the food from her hair, then looked down at the blonde. "Cosplayer…"

"Yeah?" Lucy asked as she warily eyed the barmaid whose attention had turned to them, and whose bright blue eyes were sparkling with what she could only assume were horrible plots to have her bear Bickslow's children right then.

"Wanna see something funny?"

"Sure, Bi-" Lucy's eyes were wide as she was spun in place and backed into the side of the table. The wide grin on his face disappeared as his lips closed over hers, and Lucy hardly heard the snickering sound of Evergreen's laughter from behind her fan, or the awkwardly choked gasp from Freed.

* * *

__**Every game you play  
Every night you stay  
I'll be watching you.**

* * *

A soft thunk of metal on wood pulled Mira back to reality completely, and she gave Freed a warm smile of thanks. Then paused when she saw that he was staring in horror at something else. Slowly, she turned her head, and her eyes went wide when she was greeted with the sight of Lucy perched on the table that the Raijinshuu was occupying, with Bickslow's arms wrapped around her - one hand resting low on her back while the other sifted through her golden hair - and his visor missing. More specifically, the metal grate was being held in Lucy's hand on top of the table while he clearly kissed the blonde senseless.

Bickslow gasped when he felt Lucy's teeth lightly nibbling at his lip, and didn't even try to suppress the low groan that spilled from him when her tongue darted into his mouth. Normally, he was the one that left women breathless with how he kissed them. It was just par for the course when you had a tongue as long as his was, especially when you actively worked on the dexterity in the muscle simply because there was nothing else to do at two in the morning when you were high as a kite and there was a blizzard. This time though, he was blown out of the fucking water. Lucy was the one that took the initiative, and she was the one that fully dominated the kiss. Every time he thought she'd give, that he would be able to make his move and finally turn her to putty, the blonde would double up on her efforts to make his brain melt right out of his ass.

What Bickslow wasn't aware of though, was that Lucy was in much the same position. If she'd been standing before, she would have already fallen to the ground in a pathetic little mushy pile of estrogen. Hell, she was on the verge of letting him lay her ass out on the table as long as he'd keep kissing her this way. Not once in her life had the blonde been kissed quite like this, enough for her to completely forget that they were, in fact, in a  _very_  public place. Or that the entire guild was letting out some of the loudest catcalls in existence in their excitement. Nope, all Lucy cared about was that she was  _finally_  getting to feel just what Bickslow was capable of with that tongue he always stuck out. And good lord was it wonderful.

"Oh man, this is gonna get good," Pepe chuckled as the totems settled themselves on the table.

"No shit," Popo added. "She's getting the tongue."

"I think  _he's_  the one getting the tongue," Pupu mused softly.

"Think her panties are soaked yet?" Pipi giggled.

"I'm gonna go with yes," Papa said sagely. "Considering Cosplayer looks like she's about a minute away from ripping her clothes off…"

" _Bickslow, rein it in,"_  the totems silently laughed.  _"You still have a few days of antibiotics, remember?"_

" _Oh, shit. That's right."_  Bickslow slowly came to his senses, letting the intensity in how much he was reciprocating - and holy hell, was he - taper off until he was pressing a single kiss to Lucy's swollen lips. His eyes slowly opened along with hers, and a soft smile settled on his face when he saw the breathless, half-lidded state the blonde was in.

"Mira, are you alright?" Freed asked as he dabbed at his nose with a handkerchief.

Lucy didn't need to look away from the deep red eyes that were filled with amusement - and, dare she say, a whole bucket of arousal - to know that Mira had passed out again. Or that she was twitching on the ground. Lucy could hear it loud and clear, along with the yells of their guild mates for more (or for them to get a room). Instead, she kept her gaze trained on Bickslow's eyes as his thumb lightly brushed across her jaw. "W-Well, then…"

"Yeah," Bickslow laughed breathlessly. "I'll be needing my visor back, sexy."

"Right…" Lucy cleared her throat and handed the metal piece back to Bickslow, then watched as he put it back in place. Slowly, with a bright flush crossing her cheeks the longer she sat there, Lucy got off of the table and moved to sit down next to Evergreen.

Bickslow chuckled and pulled the blonde into his lap, wrapping his arms around her waist when she squeaked in surprise. Everything around them went back to normal, and he laced their fingers together beneath the table as he whispered in her ear, "Now  _that_  was a kiss. Make sure you gimme one of those when I wake up too, okay?"

She nibbled her lip for a moment, then found herself laughing and nodding when she saw the totems wiggle and bob in the air in what she assumed was a chorused nod of encouragement. "Best way to start the day?"

"Hell yeah, Cosplayer. I'm pretty sure my socks have flown across the country."

"Very funny."

"At least one of them is definitely missing. The other's hanging on by a toe, I think."

She shook her head and leaned back into his embrace. "You're such a goober, Bix."

"Damn right I am," he laughed, not noticing the soft smiles on both Freed's and Evergreen's faces. "But you love it."

"You're right," Lucy nodded, grinning when Evergreen arched a fine brow at her. "I love chocolate covered peanuts."

"That's what they are?"

"Yep."

"Damnit… Stupid allergies…"

Lucy lightly squeezed his hands and whispered, "If it's any consolation, I can't eat peanuts either."

"Seriously?"

She nodded and smiled reminiscently. "Yep. I found out the hard way when I ate some Goobers… They were delicious," she sighed. "And then my mom nearly had a heart attack when my face swelled up."

Bickslow shook his head with a small smile. He hated having to tell people that he was allergic to so much different shit, but Lucy had found out about that when she had taken him to the hospital. He hadn't met many people that were allergic to peanuts, or penicillin, or fucking  _daisies…_ Let alone all of them… But knowing that he wasn't keeping her from eating something because of his allergies somehow made him feel a little more relaxed. He couldn't explain it, but maybe it was just that he knew that they had something in common. No matter how different they seemed, there was at least one thing that he shared with the blonde.

"Did you know he was allergic to peanuts?" Evergreen whispered to Freed, sighing when the Rune mage shook his head.

"How about you?" Lucy asked, turning to look at the other two members of Bickslow's team with a smile. "Any allergies?"

"Latex," Freed answered. "And penicillin."

"Percocet and coffee," Evergreen said. "Well, caffeine in general, actually."

" _Looks like you have more in common with everyone than you thought, Bickslow,"_ the totems silently whispered.

Bickslow rested his chin on Lucy's shoulder as the rest of her team slowly came into the guild and joined them at the table. Normally, he didn't get very introspective while he was in public, but he couldn't help it right then.

He had more in common with his team than he'd thought. His babies were right about that. He had just never taken the time to get to know things like that about them. Laxus knew though, that much he was sure of. His best friend had made a point of knowing everything about their medical history after Bickslow had been hospitalized the first time for an overdose after joining the guild.

He glanced down at where his fingers were interlocked with Lucy's when he felt her lightly squeeze his hands, then smiled when he saw the quick flash of green on his nail. He wasn't the only one that had layers, that kept things to himself to keep himself protected. Freed and Evergreen did, too. Even Lucy, he was sure. He vaguely listened to Gray telling a story about how he rubbed oil all over Natsu's floor one day just to see what happened, and the hilarity that ensued when Erza stopped by instead, and looked over at his teammates.

' _Green,'_ he thought. Green, just like Freed's hair and guild mark. Just like Evergreen's favorite color… That little nail had that much more meaning for him when he thought about it that way. It was a connection to his team now. They might not know what was going on with him, but he felt a little closer to them.

"Thanks, Cosplayer," Bickslow whispered happily.

"For what?"

He smiled and brushed his lips over her shoulder. "For showing me that green's a good thing."

"Any time, Bickslow," Lucy said as his fingers brushed over her guild mark.

* * *

__**Oh can't you see  
You belong to me?  
**

* * *

A deep scowl turned down the corners of Lucy's mouth as she and Team Natsu walked down the stairs from Master Makarov's office. The news had just come in from several other guilds that there was a crisis, and their guild master had decided that her team was the one that was going to step up to the plate to represent their guild. Normally, she wouldn't have a problem with something like this - aside from anger over just how depraved some people could be - but there was just one issue.

"There's my sexy girl," Bickslow chuckled once Lucy returned to the table.

"I need to talk to you," Lucy whispered. "Come with me, Bix."

His head tilted to one side in confusion, but he stood up nonetheless and followed the blonde out of the guild. "What's up?" he asked as they made their way toward her apartment.

Lucy shook her head and carefully laced her fingers with his. The last thing she wanted was for Bickslow to get the wrong idea and think that she wanted to talk about their relationship. It wasn't like that at all. She just wanted to be able to speak freely, and for him to do so too, when she told him what was going on. She wanted to be able to curl up in his arms at least for a little while before she had to leave on the train with her team. Thankfully, it didn't take too long to get to their destination. She led the Seith mage up the stairs, quickly unlocking the door and taking him inside. "Do you want something to drink?"

"Sure, baby," Bickslow said as he walked further inside. He followed the blonde to the kitchen, then grabbed glasses from the cupboard and filled his with water. After taking a sip, he set the glass down. "What's going on? You look upset."

"I am," she sighed. "It's…" She fiddled with the glass in her hands for a moment, then set it down and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Team Natsu is going on a mission. To take out the Oracion Seis."

"You're… What?" he asked with wide, disbelieving eyes. "That's suicide!"

"Apparently, a bunch of attacks have happened. A few of the light guilds are banding together to take them out once and for all, and…" She shook her head. It wasn't supposed to be like this. "We're leaving in a couple hours."

Bickslow just stared at her. How the hell were they - regardless of her teammates' destructive tendencies - going to take out one of the Balam Alliance's cornerstones? That was just fucking insane. More importantly, how the hell was he supposed to stay clean if Lucy was out there, risking her life like that? Their plans for that night were ruined. He wanted to come down, sleep (preferably in her arms), then wake up and try to get through the worst of his withdrawal. With her by his side, it always seemed easier. Lucy tended to help him forget what he was trying to do, how fucking hard it was, or how badly he wanted more.  _'Looks like no back rub either… Damn, that sounded like a blast.'_

"I've gotta pack, since I don't know how long we'll be gone, but…" Lucy tilted her head back, then sighed and pulled his visor off. "I wanna spend time with you, Bix."

He gave her a smile, although he wasn't sure if it was effective at all in dissuading her concern. "Well, I love spending time with you, so I'm fine with that."

"But, are you gonna be alright while I'm gone?" she asked worriedly. "I was going to-"

He laughed and wrapped his arms around her waist a little more tightly. "I'm gonna be fine, Lucy. I don't want you worrying about me, alright? You're gonna need to super-focus if you wanna take those bastards out."

Lucy nodded, resting her head on his chest. "I will," she whispered. "And… When I come back, we'll go on a date to celebrate my total badassery."

A loud laugh spilled from the Seith mage. "Anywhere specific you wanna go?" he asked. There was no denying the 'total badassery' that his girlfriend possessed. She'd kicked  _his_  ass, after all.

Lucy smiled up at him, shaking her head. "Nope. You decide." So far, everywhere they'd gone - from their first date and the park, to the bakery they'd stopped at that morning - had been amazing. She had fun no matter where they went or what they did, and if Bickslow chose the place, she was sure to feel that way again. Or maybe it was just because she was with the Seith mage. "I always have fun with you."

He grinned down at her, then briefly pressed his lips to hers. "That's what I like to hear," he chuckled against her lips. He found himself laughing when Lucy lightly smacked his arm, giving her an exaggerated wink in return.

"Come on, silly," she sighed. "I'll give you that back rub now before I start packing."

"Sure," he answered. "But first…" He swooped down and captured her lips hungrily, his tongue instantly diving between her parted lips. If he wasn't going to see her for a while, then Bickslow wanted to make sure he remembered just what he was waiting to have return. And for Lucy to look forward to coming back home. He had to believe that she would be alright. They were mages, and part of what they did was risking their lives. "I'm gonna miss you," he whispered when he pulled back for air.

"I'll…  _Mmm…_  Miss you too," she replied breathily as her hands sifted through his hair. She was going to be back just as soon as she could. Lucy only hoped that Bickslow would be alright without her there. She didn't want him to worry, or for that worrying he was doing over her wellbeing to be the reason that he would go out and shoot up. All Lucy could hope for was that he would listen to the little totems that were looking out for his safety.

Bickslow grinned when his hands ghosted over her thighs and up to the swell of her ass, and Lucy gasped. "Come home safe, okay?"

"I will, Bix." She reached down and moved his hands to her lower back, smiling sweetly up at him. The answering kiss on the tip of her nose had Lucy's cheeks flaring brilliantly, but she disregarded that and pulled away to lead him to her bed. "C'mon," she whispered. "Back rub time."

* * *

_**My poor heart aches  
With every step you take.** _

* * *

Bickslow sat down on a bench at the same park that he and Lucy had gone to during their date. His hands were shaking already, and he was ready to just throw in the towel. To shoot up and just get it over with, since he knew it was just a matter of time before it happened. She was gone. She'd left that afternoon with her team to go and meet up with Lamia Scale, Blue Pegasus, and the other light guilds. He was already beyond worried over just what was going to happen, but he had to believe that she would be alright. He had to.

What he had with Lucy wasn't romantic. He knew that it wasn't. But he still needed her in his life. She kept him grounded, and made him smile. Lucy made him happy and dealt with his withdrawal, his addiction, even when he was coming down, all with a smile on her face.  _'And I broke her ribs…'_  He couldn't let himself forget that he'd hurt her, and she had still smiled at him.

Still, there was that little kernel of darkness that he could never get away from. The one that told him that, if there was anything that would make it so she got hurt - or worse - it would be because her ribs were broken. Because  _he_ had hurt her when she was just trying to help him.

Through it all though, he just wanted her back already. He wanted to be at her apartment, curled up on the couch, and crashing with her arms around him. He wanted to feel her slender fingers running over his back, kneading his muscles gently while she massaged him. It had been weird for him at first, taking only his shirt off and lying face down on her bed, and weirder still when he'd felt lotion being poured on his back.

#

" _Fuck, that's cold," Bickslow laughed as he felt the bed dip next to him._

_Lucy's hands smoothed over his back, and she laughed right along with him. "Sorry about that." Slowly, the lotion warmed, and his eyes opened to look at her over his shoulder. "I know it won't be the best thing in the world," she said softly, "But, it's a nice way to relax."_

" _This is the best massage ever, sexybuns," Bickslow replied with a grin. "It's you." The light flush across her cheeks, and how she smiled and focused on his back again had another laugh slipping past his lips. "Seriously though, thanks."_

" _Anytime, Bix."_

_He sighed and closed his eyes. "Baby?" he whispered after a few silent minutes. He felt her shifting slightly on the bed, moving so she was more comfortable and able to reach his shoulders and neck more easily._

" _Hm?"_

" _Would you call me whenever you've got a chance?" he asked. "I won't be able to call you while you're gone, and…"_

_Lucy paused and leaned down, pressing her lips to the corner of his mouth. "Of course, Goober. I'll call you any chance I get."_

_His lips quirked slightly. "Then I'll know you're okay… That'll make it easier."_

" _Don't worry about me too much, Bix. I'll be just fine."_

" _Promise?" He didn't care that he sounded like a scared little kid. Lucy knew that he needed her, that she was the one keeping him together more often than not. "Promise you'll come back in one piece?"_

_She paused, and his heart clenched. Did that mean she didn't want to promise him something like that? He knew there was no guarantee, but still. He needed some sort of reassurance that he would see her again, that she would be in his arms, telling him not to shoot up. That she would fight to get him to stop. He needed it so damn badly, it hurt._

" _I promise, Bix," Lucy whispered, smiling as he looked at her again. "It might be hard, but I don't break my promises. So, no matter what, I'll make sure I come home in one piece."_

" _And then," he said, a hopeful smile on his face, "We can go on a date?" He watched her nod enthusiastically, the blonde strands that were pulled into a high ponytail bouncing. "I think I know what we're gonna do."_

" _And what might that be?" she asked while moving down to massage the center of his back._

" _It's a surprise," he hummed. "But I think you'll like it."_

#

No matter how weird it had been, being with Lucy like that was just so damn relaxing. He loved it. He'd forgotten about everything else, and he was able to focus on just her hands on his skin. Just the sweet blonde that was crazy enough to even  _try_  to help him. His normally twitchy body had calmed. The buckets of energy that were held within him after shooting up dissipated. There were no violent waves inside of him, splashing here and there while he tried to keep them contained; it was just a vast sea of perfectly serene, crystal blue water.

* * *

__**Every move you make  
Every vow you break  
**

* * *

Reiki. It was his plan for their date, but she had gone and done it without even knowing it. He wanted to show her, and allow the blonde to really see a part of himself that no one else knew about. Lucy hadn't known that was what she was doing, but the simple act of massaging him had helped his soul. He could feel it.

Even still, hours later with the sun well past the horizon, he was a damn mess. He was coming down, exhausted beyond reason, but he wanted to wait for Lucy. Just in case she was able to call him. Bickslow didn't see why she couldn't, considering he didn't think the planning stage would be done so quickly, but what did he know?

"She'll be alright, Bickslow," the totems hummed soothingly. "Don't worry."

"I wanna say I know, but…" Bickslow sighed heavily and dropped his head back to stare up at the stars. He wanted to believe them, and he knew that he really should, but it was just hard. Lucy could die while she was out there, and he wouldn't know anything about it until someone came back with word that it had happened. He knew he didn't love her, but he cared about her. She gave a shit about what happened to him. She was one of the few friends he had - considering he'd only just realized that he had apparently befriended both Freed and Evergreen without even realizing it - so of course he would care that she was gone.

"She won't die out there," Pupu whispered.

"Cosplayer's strong," Pepe added.

Bickslow nodded and stood to his feet. He needed to do something, anything to take his mind off of things. Just walking around might do him some good. He was coming down, but he didn't want to sleep. Not yet. Once he heard from Lucy, he could tell her that he was going to pass out for a while, and if he didn't answer the next time she called, then that was why. She'd understand, at least. And, if she did end up dying out there because of the Oracion Seis… Then at least he would have gotten to see her face, her smile, and hear her voice one last time.

"That's really fucking morbid," Papa chided him gently.

"Pretty funny coming from a dead guy, Papa," Bickslow chuckled sadly. He gave the five little souls a rare tender smile, pulling them into his arms from the air around him. "But, I'll try to keep it to a minimum."

"Probably for the best," Pipi said, wriggling in his embrace to show its agreement.

"Toy store, babies?" he whispered.

"Toy store!"

It was a place that always made him think of Lucy now, but he wanted to be there. He wanted some place where he could feel like she was still there with him. Her apartment was off limits while she wasn't there, so that was really all that was left. They needed more places together, apparently, because it suddenly felt like he hadn't taken her out enough. He'd make sure to remedy that though. "Let's think of places to take her, babies," Bickslow laughed softly. "Anywhere in the world!"

* * *

__**Every smile you fake  
Every claim you stake  
I'll be watching you.**

* * *

One drink after another poured into the Card mage's mouth while she took down yet another challenger to her title. One of the best things about going to bars or clubs was that she could get tons of free drinks from guys that wanted to spend the night with her. If they weren't her style, she'd challenge them to a drinking contest - on their tab, of course - and leave with a shit-eating grin on her face, a belly full of alcohol, and the guy passed the hell out on the floor. That night was no different.

With the exception of her going out by herself.

Since both Lucy and Erza were off doing that whole Allied Forces thing with the other guilds, there was no point in bringing Levy out. The blunette really only went out with them when Lucy was there in the first place, since she still had a hard time really letting loose. One day, Cana would find a way to get that girl's panties on some guy's head while she danced the night away with whiskey-reddened cheeks, but… It wasn't that time yet.

Loud cackling somehow broke through the pumping music of the club, and Cana glanced over when a quick flash of light caught her attention. Bickslow. Specifically, his raucous laughter and metal visor.

She was one of the many people that just didn't get what Lucy saw in the Seith mage. At least, not so soon after that whole Battle of Fairy Tail bullshit that Laxus and his team had pulled. Still, the blonde seemed happy with the guy. More than happy if the way they had been making out in the guild - just to get a few laughs, she'd found out later - a couple days before was any indication. Apparently, the rumors that spread across the land about Bickslow's tongue were true. That fact alone had been the cause of many sweaty nights for Cana a year ago, but now… She just didn't trust him as much.

Call it intuition, but something kept her eyes glued to him. Any other night, she probably would have seen who it was and looked away, carrying on with her own merriment. But, not then. Something felt wrong about seeing Bickslow there, sitting with a group of people she'd never seen him with before - not that she knew who he really spent his time around to begin with. He was leaning back on a couch, seemingly comfortable while chatting with a few guys that were around him who had women in their laps. Bickslow was the only one going stag. And thank Mavis for that, because he had a girlfriend that was out risking her damn life.

A thin brown brow arched when she saw Bickslow leaning forward and pushing his visor up just enough to get his finger beneath it, pinning one of his nostrils closed as a straw was pushed into the other. Cocaine. Lovely. It was probably something Lucy didn't even know about, that Bickslow had a tendency to do drugs like that while he was out. Cana actually hoped that she never found out about it. Lucy was just too innocent, in her eyes. She didn't need that kind of garbage ruining things. Then again, maybe the blonde would want to know about it. From what Cana knew, it was just a party drug here and there that the Seith mage got into. Still, the Card mage didn't need to worry about that right then.

What mattered was that she knew the kind of guy Bickslow was, for the most part. Lucy could trust him not to do anything stupid. That was what was important.

' _To each his own, I guess,'_  Cana thought as she got ready to turn back in her seat and see if she could convince another guy to buy her a drink. Or seven.

She paused though, her brow furrowing when a woman with cotton candy hair tied up in pigtails that hung down to her hips sashayed over to Bickslow and plopped herself in his lap. "Hell no," Cana muttered to herself. "You'd better push her skanky ass off."

"Hey, doll. What are you drinkin'?"

Cana frowned and turned to look at the man next to her. Sexy as hell didn't even begin to describe him. A thin face with a pointed chin, three little marks beneath both eyes that almost looked like eyelashes, flushed cheeks that let her know he was already drunk as hell. Hair that was black as night was pulled back from his face, accentuating his long, thin brows. And the abs. Good fucking lord were his abs to die for. Sadly though, she had to make sure nothing happened with her best friend's boyfriend. "Nothing yet," she sighed. "But if you gimme a minute, I'll have whatever you're having."

Before he could answer, she turned back to look at Bickslow. And then she saw red.

Bickslow's hands were tightly gripping the barely there ass of the cotton candy girl that was now straddling his hips while their lips were locked and moving over one another insistently. "You're fucking kidding me!" she screeched, hopping off of her stool and moving on a warpath across the club. Dangerous brown eyes narrowed as a large, warm hand closed around her arm, and Cana whirled around with a sneer to glare at the man.

"Don't worry about it. Just have a drink with me. Let's get wild!"

Cana shook his hand away and scoffed. "That's my best friend's boyfriend, you dildo!"

"Well, she looks like she's enjoying herself," he shrugged.

"That's  _not_  his girlfriend!" She watched as he raised a brow and looked back across the club, then whistled and shook his head as he stood up to leave. Sure, she would be missing that beautiful fucking body in her bed that night - assuming she didn't drink his ass under the table in a few rounds - but this was a whole lot more important.

She wove through the dance floor, pulling her cards from the pouch at her side, and stopped a few paces away from Bickslow. Muttering a small incantation, Cana pulled a blank card out and held it up in front of her, shaking her head when she saw the image captured on the face of the card of the Seith mage pushing one hand into the woman's hair and pulling her flush against him. Once it was placed back in her bag, she lunged forward and ripped the girl off of Bickslow, tossing her to the ground.

"What the fuck?!" the girl shrieked as she tried to adjust her mini-skirt on the ground. "Get your own man, slut!"

"Damn," Bickslow whispered, licking his lips as his eyes slowly opened. He laughed when he saw Cana standing in front of him with a deep scowl marring her usually pretty face. "What's up, Lush? Did you drink the place dry?"

"You're a fucking asshole, Bickslow!" Cana shouted, drawing the attention of a few partiers. "How could you do that to Lucy?"

"Do what?" he shrugged, lounging back on the couch again. His head flew to one side as her hand connected with his uncovered cheek, and he blinked while he looked back at her.

Cana shook her head in disbelief. She had hoped that maybe he'd just been partying because he didn't want to think about the fact that Lucy was out there, risking everything just to keep them all safe. That's what a few others in the guild had been doing. But this? Snorting coke and making out with some random bimbo in a club? "Not fucking cool," she spat, spinning on her heel when a bony hand clamped down on her wrist. "And you! He's got a girlfriend, you little bitch!"

The woman laughed and rolled her eyes, cocking a hip out to one side. "Not for long, I guess." She peeked around the brunette and gave Bickslow a sly wink. "Right, Bixybug?"

Cana huffed and turned to look at Bickslow, then blinked when she saw that he was gone. Her night was officially ruined, and all she wanted to do was let Lucy know just how much of a piece of shit the fucker was. But… She couldn't. The last thing Lucy needed was this kind of drama. Not while she was out there and facing off against the Seis. She didn't need to be distracted.

"Toodle-oo," the woman laughed as Cana pushed past her and started to leave the club.

The brunette froze, a dark and menacing aura pouring off of her while she turned to look at the woman that had officially ruined her night, and her buzz. "You," Cana hissed. Whatever she was going to say was lost as she quickly grabbed the girl and threw her across the club. Sure, she avoided the brawls at the guild for the most part, because she would much rather drink than deal with that insanity, but she was still a Fairy Tail mage. And this little bitch… She was going to pay.

Cana stalked across the cleared path in the dance floor that was set before her, and decided right then and there that she didn't care if she was banned from this club. Lucy's honor had been trampled on, and she was the only one around that could make everyone see that you don't mess with her friend.

Which meant that she had something else to do once Lucy was back. Before she could waltz into Bickslow's arms, Cana was showing her the picture. No way in hell was she going to let him get away with this. Not at all.

* * *

_**Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace.  
** _

* * *

Crushed didn't even begin to describe how Lucy felt as she stared at the card in front of her. "C-Cana?" she whispered weakly, glad that she was already sitting down in her usual seat at the guild. This couldn't be right. It just couldn't. She and Team Natsu had been in the doors for less than five minutes, and already… There was something else to deal with. The party for their newest members, Wendy and Carla, was already in full swing, but she couldn't even enjoy it. Not right then.

Not while she looked at a picture of Bickslow and some other woman, kissing in a club.  _'More like he's licking his way down her throat with how close they are.'_  She was thin, unbelievably thin, with no chest or curves to speak of. Cotton candy pink hair and… "This isn't…"

"He's so fucking dead," Gray sneered. "You were out there, fighting Angel, and  _this_  is what he does?"

"Lucy," Cana sighed, wrapping an arm around her tenderly. She was more than thankful that the rest of the guild was preoccupied with just how adorable Wendy was, because this was something that didn't need to get around. Only for Lucy's sake though. Bickslow could go die in a fire, for all she cared; but Lucy… She deserved better than to have this aired everywhere. "I'm really sorry. I know you guys had a hard time out there, but… I couldn't just let this slide. Or watch you come in and just have him act like nothing happened."

"B-But… Bickslow wouldn't… He…" She didn't even really know where to begin. She'd started to feel something for him, and this was how he repaid her. Of course she would get her heart broken. Just when the blonde had started to think that things were going great, or as great as they could be considering what Bickslow was dealing with, this was laid in her lap. Literally. Two days. She had been gone for two days when Cana caught him at that club. And only another day had passed since. Apparently, Bickslow hadn't been to the guild at all since she left. He'd pulled another disappearing act, but no one knew why.  _'Was this why he wasn't around?'_

"This is unacceptable," Erza said harshly, stabbing her cake with a little too much force and breaking through her plate with only a fork. "Lucy, just let me handle this. He will not be allowed to breathe after this level of-"

"Holy shit. Cosplayer, you're back!" Bickslow grinned and bounded across the guild, more than ready to pull Lucy into his arms and hope to god that he could explain things before Cana was able to talk to her.

"Hell no!" Gray shouted, jumping to his feet and putting himself right in the Seith mage's path. "You're not coming anywhere near her, asshole."

Bickslow moved to dodge the Ice Make mage, but came to a screeching halt when Natsu, Erza, and Cana all stood to keep him away from her. "Cosplayer?"

Lucy sniffled and tucked the card into her key pouch, then looked up at the Seith mage through the gap between Natsu and Erza. "It's true," she whispered shakily. "Isn't it…"

His mouth opened and closed, and his crimson eyes went wide behind his visor. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. He'd been waiting for Lucy to come back so he could talk to her, and now… Now, in the middle of the guild, he had to do this? "It's not what you think."

"Isn't it?" Cana spat. "You know what you did. I saw it all, so don't try to play the victim here."

"Shut up, Cana. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Really?" The Card mage took a step forward until she was directly in front of him. In a voice that was low enough not to be caught by anyone else, she whispered, "I was the one that pulled her off of you, remember? You can't lie your way out of this one."

"Lucy, just break up with him," Gray said angrily as he looked over his bare shoulder at the blonde. "He's not worth your time."

Bickslow scowled and pushed past Cana. All he needed was for Lucy to hear him out, and then they could get back to normal. She could get back to helping him. They could go on their date, and she could help him get clean and stay that way. He just needed her to believe him. "Lucy," he said softly. "Just lemme explain, okay?"

"Bickslow, I-" Lucy sighed when Natsu stopped the Seith mage in his tracks.

"Look," Natsu said with a frown and his brows pushed together, "We just got back, and… Let Lucy have some time, okay?" He wasn't really sure why Bickslow would have kissed another girl, but the fact that Lucy was nearly in tears over it was all Natsu needed to know that his partner was hurting. A lot. It was something he never wanted for her, but Igneel had taught him that sometimes people had to go through something painful, so they could come out stronger on the other side.

"I just wanna talk to my girlfriend," Bickslow whispered sadly. "Please… Just… Please, I can explain everything."

When Erza moved to intercept him, Natsu put a hand out to stop the Requip mage. "No, man. You can't. Not right now. Luce will come talk to you whenever she's ready, so… Until then… Just go do something else, okay?"

Lucy knew Bickslow was looking at her. She could see the pleading look in his eyes even without being able to see the beautiful ruby orbs themselves. But, she just couldn't be near him right then. This shouldn't have hurt her. They were supposed to be dating so that he had something to push him to stay clean, and now… Now she was the one that was getting hurt.

"Natsu," Bickslow whispered, nearly desperate. "Just lemme talk to her."

"God, don't you get it?" Cana shouted. "You're a cheating, two-timing, scum of the earth bastard! We're not letting you anywhere near Lucy! What? You think you can just waltz in here and sweep it all under the rug? She's forgiving, but  _none of us_  are going to let you do that!"

"Yeah," Gray nodded. "I knew she shouldn't have trusted you to begin with. And you hurt her. Just like we all knew you would."

"Guys," Lucy said as she stood to her feet. The hurt was there, plain as day and Bickslow's half-covered face. His smile was gone, and his lips were pulled into a tight line. She could see him chewing on his cheek, how his hands were clenching and loosening at his sides. The small twitch of one of his fingers, his wrist, and how he was obviously trying not to grind his teeth together. "Stop this."

Bickslow didn't need this. He didn't need the drama, and he didn't need her friends breathing down his neck over it. What they were doing was only going to make it so that Bickslow went out and shot up again. The worse he felt, the more he did it. She knew that. Sure, Lucy appreciated that Cana had done what she did - pulling the girl off of him and then beating the hell out of her - but this just wasn't right. Now, the whole guild knew about it. Cana had said she didn't want everyone in Lucy's business, but she'd ended up making sure everyone found out anyway.

Moreover, Lucy didn't need this. She was just way too damn tired. After everything they'd gone through out there, this wasn't what she had wanted to come home to. She'd wanted to be in Bickslow's arms, soaking up his warmth and listening to his raspy voice while they talked about anything that came to mind. Maybe she had been romanticizing their relationship though. Was that what had happened? Had she really overlooked the negative things about him, and missed something as major as him being one of  _those_  guys?

* * *

_**I dream at night, I can only see your face.  
** _

* * *

Lucy wanted to be alone, sure, but she didn't want to leave Bickslow alone. Except… She just couldn't be near him right then. Just seeing him, and knowing that the evidence of what he'd done was tucked away with her keys, was making her heart crack.

" _Whoa, he cheated on Lucy?"_

" _Damn, I knew he was an asshole."_

" _Poor Lucy…"_

" _That guy's always been a player though. Someone should have told her."_

" _Once a pervert, always a pervert."_

Bickslow's shoulders sagged as Lucy looked away from him, and he took a step back as the voices of their guildmates filtered in.  _'I knew I was no good… I shouldn't have done this…'_  Now she was going to leave him. He didn't want her to go, but there was no other option. He couldn't beg her anymore. He couldn't do anything right, so what was the point in even trying? He'd tried to talk to her, and everyone had cut his ass off at the pass. He tried to do the right thing, to tell her what happened, but Cana made sure Lucy heard it from her first.

He just wanted Lucy to be happy. He wanted her to smile. He hadn't wanted to hurt her soul again, and Bickslow didn't even need to look to see that he'd done just that. It didn't matter anyway.  _'I can't do anything right…'_ Every time he tried to do something good, he'd get kicked in the teeth. This was no different. "Yeah, I'll just… Go…"

Lucy's breath caught on a soft cry as tears trickled down her cheeks. "Bix, wait!"

"Let him go," Gray sneered at the retreating Seith mage's back. He turned and gently pushed Lucy back into her seat, wrapping a protective arm around her.

Natsu frowned as everyone went back to what they were doing, the rest of the guild ignoring the Seith mage as he walked past them and back out of the guild. He looked down at Lucy, only to find her watching Bickslow leave as well.  _'What do I do?'_  He wanted to help her make this better. He didn't want her to cry, but that's what she was doing, and there wasn't anything he could do to stop it.

"He's a piece of shit, Lucy," Gray said soothingly. "He wasn't good enough for you anyway."

Bickslow visibly flinched as Gray's words cut into him, just as the doors to the guild were closing behind him. No one had tried to stop him from leaving, and no one was on his side. He didn't even know if his team was at the guild, if they'd seen what happened and just decided that he was getting what he deserved. He hurt the one person that stayed by his side when she had no reason to whatsoever; the woman that had wanted to date him, knowing that he was messed up on drugs. Lucy was a fucking angel, and all he did was drag her down.

* * *

_**I look around but it's you I can't replace.  
** _

* * *

She was better off without him. Bickslow had known that from the very beginning. He'd been selfish though, and now she was hurting  _again_  because of it.

He was alone, and he could only blame himself for it. Just like when Laxus left. Just like with his parents. This was all his damn fault, and now… All he could do was try and bury it.

"Bickslow," the totems hummed worriedly. "Don't cry."

"Shut up, babies," he whimpered. "Not now, okay?"

"No, it'll be alright," Pipi said. "You'll see. It'll all work out!"

"P-Please, Pipi… Not now…" He ignored the people he bumped into as he wound through the streets of Magnolia. He tried to ignore the searing pain in his chest, how he felt sick to his stomach at what he'd done. A woman yelled at him, telling him to watch where he was going, but he pushed her voice out. Until a slender hand grabbed the back of his shirt.

"Bickslow," Freed said worriedly, pulling the Seith mage to an abrupt halt as he and Evergreen moved to stand in front of him. "What's happened?"

"N-Nothing. Just…" Bickslow shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself and taking a step back. "I just wanna be alone."

"No way!" Evergreen shouted. "Talk to us! Is it Lucy? Is she alright? Mavis, did you hear something? Is-" She froze when he let out a sob and bumped into the stone wall of a flower shop they were standing in front of. "Bickslow…"

"I-I… I fucked up," he whimpered. Why? Why couldn't he do anything right? What was it about him that had him destroying everything he touched? He sniffled, not even caring where he was anymore, and dropped his head in shame. "I-I'm always… m-messing everything up…"

Papa let out a heavy sigh and floated forward to hover in front of Freed and Evergreen. "Bickslow was at a club," he said softly. "And he was caught kissing a young woman by Cana. And Lucy knows, now that she's back."

Evergreen gasped and hardly spared Freed a glance. The two shot forward at the same time and wrapped their arms around the Seith mage. "It's okay, Bickslow," she whispered tenderly.

"I-It's not!" he sobbed.

Freed sighed and looked around for a moment, then unsheathed his sword and wrote a quick barrier of runes around them. Within moments, the group was teleported to his living room, carefully sitting Bickslow down on the couch. "Why, Bickslow?" he asked carefully.

"I-I don't know!" Bickslow cried. "I just… I w-wanted to talk to her, and… A-And then…"

Evergreen's brow furrowed as she looked up at Freed, then she hesitantly reached up and unclasped Bickslow's visor. She didn't mind that his head was instantly buried in her chest, especially not when she caught the faintest glimmer of green light pouring from them. She knew that he still had a hard time controlling his eyes from time to time, and he was always trying to make sure no one was hurt because of them. She just wanted him to be comfortable though.

"Then everyone ganged up on him," Popo said angrily. "Cana and Gray and Erza… And then the whole guild…"

"And Lucy didn't say anything, but… She looked so sad," Pupu added.

Freed shook his head, practically lying on top of the Seith mage since he refused to let the small amount of comfort he could provide disappear. "You wanted her to hear your side of the story?" he asked gently. When Bickslow nodded, he let out a soft sigh. "I will go and speak with Lucy on your behalf then."

"No!" Bickslow nearly shouted. "Just let it go…"

"Bickslow," the souls hummed. "Don't give up on her."

"Sh-She gave up on m-me…"

"That's not like Lucy, and you know it," Evergreen quietly admonished the shuddering Seith mage. "But she's going to need some time, okay?"

"I didn't mean to…"

"Of course you didn't," Freed whispered. "You're not a bad person."

"And we know that about you," Evergreen finished.

"Lucy does, too," the little souls added.

"Exactly," Evergreen smiled. "So, let her sort out how she feels. Knowing that team of hers, she didn't get a word in edgewise. Besides, I'm sure she was shocked by it. Women do need time to process things."

Bickslow sniffled, jolting in surprise when a handkerchief was pressed into his hand from Freed. He couldn't understand why they were there, comforting him. He didn't deserve any of this. He didn't deserve the friendship that he'd been taking advantage of for years. He didn't deserve anything but the pain that was always present in his life. "Why do you guys even care?" he muttered.

Freed frowned and pulled his head back to look down at Bickslow's closed eyes, seeing the torment etched in his face. "Because we care about you, Bickslow. You, Evergreen, and Laxus are the only family I have."

"Same here," Evergreen nodded. "And when one of us is wandering around the city, crying his eyes out, we're going to be there. We're always going to be there for each other."

"A-Always?" Bickslow whimpered.

The Fairy and Rune mages smiled and nodded in unison. "Always," they whispered, tightening their hold on the blue-and-black haired mage. Neither knew how long they sat there, just holding Bickslow while he slowly calmed down, but eventually Freed pulled back to see that he'd fallen asleep. He chanced a glance up at Evergreen, and gave her a sad smile.

"We will help them work through this, right?"

Evergreen nodded. "Whatever it takes."

Papa led the totems over to the back of the couch as Freed helped to lay Bickslow down, and made sure that Evergreen could get out from beneath him without incident. "If you would like to help, then let Bickslow stay here for a few nights."

"Yeah," Pepe said sadly. "He shouldn't be alone right now."

"I just don't understand why he would do something like this," Freed mused as he pulled Bickslow's feet up onto the couch, after taking off his shoes.

"Bickslow's not like that at all," Evergreen nodded. "He's too sweet to do something like that to Lucy." She sighed while Freed walked off to grab a spare blanket, then knelt down next to the slumbering Seith mage. As she brushed his hair away from his face, Evergreen reached down and carefully plucked the handkerchief from his slack grip, then blotted away his tears. "You're a sweetheart, Bickslow," she whispered. "What were you thinking?"

"He was partying," the totems whispered. Bickslow didn't want them to tell anyone about what happened, because he said it was just between himself and Lucy, but his team needed to know. He had found a way to stop them time and again, and they weren't going to just outright tell the two mages that were caring for him that he was addicted to meth, but… The Raijinshuu cared. They were on Bickslow's side.

" _We won't mention the meth,"_  Papa said silently.  _"Bickslow needs to be the one to say it."_

" _But, if they knew..."_ Pipi whispered.

" _No,"_  Pepe sighed.  _"Papa's right. He's been through it, remember? Let's trust him on that."_

" _Everything's falling apart,"_  Pupu said sadly.

"He thought she was Lucy," Popo said to Evergreen once Freed was back in the room. "It's not really an excuse, but…"

"He wasn't in his right mind," Papa finished.

Evergreen shook her head and laid the blanket over Bickslow. "And everyone jumped on his case because of what we did," she mused. "And… We weren't there to back him up."

"We were on our way to the guild, Evergreen," Freed said gently. "And he hasn't been there since Lucy left. There was no way we could have stopped this."

"Still… You know he's sensitive on some stuff. Laxus even told us that. He told us that if Bickslow ever got in trouble, we  _had_  to be there for him." Evergreen looked up with her eyebrows pushed together when she was pulled into Freed's arms as he sat on the floor next to her. Ever since Laxus had been exiled, the Rune mage had become warmer, more willing to comfort her and Bickslow. Freed had taken on the role of trying to keep them together, since they could both tell that Bickslow was obviously only holding on by a thread. She just couldn't understand it, though. Not him kissing another girl. Not why he seemed to be fine one day, then falling apart the next. "He was never like this before…"

"I know," Freed sighed, resting his cheek on her hair once the Fairy mage curled up in his arms. "But, we will help him." Even if Laxus had never told them to be there for Bickslow, he knew they would have. "I swear it, Evergreen."

* * *

_**I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace.  
I keep crying baby, baby, please…** _

* * *

Bickslow sat at Freed's dining room table with the rest of his team, utterly silent as the other two talked with his babies. There was a plate of food in front of him - something that smelled delicious, even if he had no idea how to pronounce whatever the hell it was - but he wasn't hungry. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and forget about everything. He wanted it all to be a horrible fucking nightmare, so he could wake up from it and have Lucy with him.

"You know," Popo mused. "I dated this one girl, and she cheated on me."

"You did?" Pupu asked curiously.

Popo wiggled on the table. "I broke her nose… Stupid bitch."

"Weren't you a girl when you were alive?"

"So?" Popo asked. "Why do you think I love Lucy's boobs? Those things are amazing…" The totem sighed wistfully. "Kinda reminds me of Mina's. The chick that cheated on me…"

"Is there a point to this, Popo?" Papa asked.

"Right! So, I broke her nose. And then a week later, we worked it all out... Until she did it again and left me for some porn star, Pete Jones or something."

"What was the point, then?" Pupu asked slowly.

"Oh, be glad Lucy hasn't broken your nose yet," Popo said while turning to Bickslow. "I hear it's painful."

Bickslow shook his head, his gaze trained on the tablecloth in front of him. "How is that supposed to help me?" he muttered.

"I don't know... You could buy her some lingerie. I'll help you pick out the bras!"

"Can you focus, Popo?" Pepe huffed.

"Okay... Fine," Popo sighed. "No lingerie. Seriously though, watch out for your nose..."

"A gift might not be a bad idea though," Freed mused. "An olive branch, of sorts."

"I had something I wanted to give her," Bickslow whispered. "But…"

Evergreen shook her head. "Lucy won't want something like that. It'll make it seem like you're only giving it to her because this happened. She's not materialistic."

"Yeah," Bickslow sighed. "That what my babies said, too…" He was just going to have to hold onto the gift he'd made for Lucy, and give it to her another time. If he ever got the chance, that is.

* * *

_**Every move you make  
Every vow you break** _

* * *

Bickslow groaned uncomfortably as the loud clattering of metal woke him up. He slowly sat up, grunting when his head bumped into something - a bed, he realized - that was just above him. "What the hell?"

"You're free to go, sir. Your bail's been posted."

"Bail?" Bickslow whispered with a furrowed brow. A quick look around showed that he was, in fact, in jail. Again. Drab grey walls, bunk beds on one wall, a little ratty toilet. And metal bars that separated him from the officer just outside. "What did I do?"

The souls in his bracelet wriggled slightly, and Bickslow carefully stood up and made his way over to the opened cell door. "Don't you remember?" the whispered.

He frowned and followed the officer down the hall. Only bits and pieces were coming back to him. The drama with Lucy's team. How he'd gone to the guild the next day and hadn't seen her or Team Natsu once. The whispers in the guild. Staying at Freed's again that night. Rinse and repeat. Except… Then he'd left. Bickslow had waited until Freed was busy in his study, and then he silently climbed out of the bathroom window. He still wasn't sure how he'd managed to fit through it, but he did.

' _I shot up again when I met up with Axel…'_  Bickslow grimaced and shook his head. "How long have I been here?" he asked.

"Just a few hours, sir."

He had to remember what happened. He just had to. Except, it was all a blur. His mouth was dry, but he couldn't taste alcohol.  _"Babies, what did I do?"_

" _You broke into the toy store again, Bickslow. The alarm went off."_

He sighed heavily and continued trudging down the hall to get his belongings that had been taken from him when he was booked. At least he was still in Magnolia. That was a plus.

#

" _You've got one call, sir. Who should we contact?"_

_Bickslow grinned at the officer, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "You could call my girlfriend, but…" His face fell. "She probably hates me right now." He looked down at the ground, and frowned. It was worth a shot. Lucy always said he could call her, no matter what, and she would help him. "Lucy Heartfilia."_

_The lacrima lit up, and started pulsing while it waited for the call to connect. Again and again and again._

" _I'm sorry, sir. There was no answer." The officer paused, then glanced around. He leaned forward and whispered, "Is there someone else you could call, maybe?"_

_Bickslow shook his head, then sighed. "Maybe Laxus, but… He doesn't answer my calls anymore."_

_The officer smiled in understanding. "It's worth a shot, sir. Let's give it a try."_

_It pulsed and pulsed, but Bickslow already knew it wouldn't go through. He just knew that-_

" _Yeah?"_

_Bickslow's eyes went wide when he heard the low, gravelly voice of his best friend. "Laxus!" he shouted with a grin. The officer nodded and he was led away from the desk, fighting to get back to it just so he could see the blond. "Wait! I wanna talk to him!"_

#

Bickslow was jolted from his memory when he looked up to search for Laxus. Did that mean that he'd come back and bailed him out? Bickslow could see him again! He could help him, just like before. "Hey," he asked the officer that was handing him the totems they had confiscated. "Who bailed me out?"

"Excuse me, sir?" she asked softly.

"Was it a big guy with blond hair?" he asked excitedly. "Scar on his face?"

She blinked in confusion. "I don't know, sir. I just handle confiscated items."

He sighed and grabbed the rest of his stuff, then ran through the police station. It had to be Laxus. Lucy hadn't answered when he called - not that he blamed her - and that only left his best friend. He'd answered! Laxus had answered the call. It  _had_  to be him!

* * *

_**Every smile you fake  
Every claim you stake** _

* * *

Bickslow rounded a corner, skidding on the linoleum with a wide and hopeful smile. "Laxus!" he shouted happily. His brows pushed together when he saw the back of his friend's hulking frame as he walked outside.  _"I'm not hallucinating, right?"_

" _No,"_  the totems silently answered, stunned.  _"That's him."_

"Laxus, wait!" Bickslow burst through the door to the police station, the chilled night air around him hardly even registering. He saw the man he'd been wishing he could see for over a month just down the road, walking away. "Wait!" Bickslow shouted.

Laxus turned his head, saddened and guilt-ridden blue eyes locking onto Bickslow. He knew he shouldn't have come, but something had made him do it. He wasn't supposed to be in Magnolia.  _'I can't help him. I never could…'_  Bailing Bickslow out of jail wasn't something Laxus wanted to do again, but just hearing his voice… It brought back memories of all the times they had spent together in the middle of the night. How Laxus would chase him down and then they would go and sit in a park or the woods and just hang out. He wanted better for the Seith mage, but there was nothing he could do. Bickslow couldn't rely on him anymore. No one could, and Laxus knew that now.

Laxus just couldn't face his best friend. He couldn't. Not when he hadn't even figured things out for himself. How could he even try to take care of Bickslow when the Lightning Dragon Slayer didn't know who  _he_ was inside?

"Laxus, please!" Bickslow shouted as their eyes locked. "Don't go!"

Trembling with anger at himself, Laxus turned back and continued walking away. He could hear the catch in Bickslow's voice, but it had to be done. "I'm sorry, Bix," he whispered, pain lancing through his heart as he channeled his magic. "I'm so fucking sorry I couldn't help you…"

A bright flash of white hot light pierced the night sky, and the Seith mage crumpled to the ground when a crack of lightning and rolling thunder accompanied the disappearance of his best friend. Laxus left him. Again. "L-Laxus," he whimpered. "Why…"

There wasn't anything left for Bickslow anymore. Where he'd felt lost and alone before, now he'd lost all hope of things ever being okay again. He'd gotten just a glimpse of the man that had always taken care of him before he was gone.

But he couldn't just cry in the middle of the road, and not right in front of the damn police station. He didn't know where he would go, or what he was supposed to do now that he'd lost Laxus again. He couldn't go to Freed or Evergreen. They didn't even know he was missing, most likely, and he didn't want them to know that Laxus had come back and bailed him out of jail. He couldn't go to the guild. It was oppressive there now. He didn't have anyone, because Lucy hated him for what he did.

Still, the Seith mage forced himself to stand and started running. He didn't know where he was going, and it didn't care. Not anymore. This was worse than when Laxus had been kicked out of the guild. So much worse.

Bickslow ripped off his visor and threw it to the ground, then wiped furiously at his eyes when his vision blurred with tears. He didn't need to cry. He really didn't. No matter how much it hurt, he couldn't. Not anymore.

There was nothing left for him to cry about anyway.

The totems shot forward and bashed themselves violently against the door Bickslow collapsed in front of. They knew it was late, but he needed help. "Open up!" they shouted. "It's an emergency! Hurry!"

The door opened, and Bickslow looked up only to have another loud sob bursting past his lips when he saw Lucy standing there.

"Bickslow?" Lucy asked, trying to wipe the exhaustion from her eyes. The last thing she wanted was to see him right then, but something was wrong. The bleeding heart in her instantly opened up, no matter how tattered it was from what he'd done to betray her trust.

"B-Baby!" Bickslow sobbed, scrambling from the ground and lunging at the blonde to wrap his arms around her. "I-I don't wanna be alone… P-Please!"

Lucy stumbled backwards and landed on the ground with Bickslow on top of her. Her eyes were wide as his words descended into unintelligible mumbles, sniffles, and broken pleas for forgiveness. "What happened to him?" she asked as the totems softly closed the door to her apartment. Without a thought, her arms wound around him, and her grip tightened when the totems answered her question.

"He saw Laxus."

* * *

__**Every move you make  
Every step you take  
I'll be watching you…**


	13. One Call Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Charlie Puth: One Call Away

 

**_I'm only one call away_ **   
**_I'll be there to save the day_ **   
**_Superman got nothing on me_ **   
**_I'm only one call away_ **

* * *

"P-Please don't leave me too, baby," Bickslow sobbed. After seeing Laxus, and now feeling Lucy's arms wrapped around him again, he felt completely lost. If ever there was a time where he would go and shoot up to forget everything, this would be it. But he didn't want to. Not really, anyway. No, what he wanted was Lucy. It felt as though a Vulcan had decided to use his chest as a chair, each breath heavier to draw in and more ragged than the last.

"What do you mean..." Lucy whispered, an edge of anger in her voice, "'He saw Laxus'?" Her grip tightened on Bickslow's shuddering shoulders when just the mention of the blond Slayer had another anguished cry bubbling up his throat. "Bickslow…"

"I-I'm sorry… I just…" He shook his head, clenching his eyes tightly when he felt them beginning that familiar burn. He pulled a hand from where it was wrapped around Lucy's side, reaching up and covering her eyes so he could open his own.

"Figure Eyes?" Lucy asked, already knowing the answer. Bickslow didn't really make a habit out of covering her eyes. She felt him nod against her, then let out a heavy, tired sigh. She had been meaning to talk to Bickslow the next day. But, the blonde already knew that in the morning she either would have talked herself out of it - by saying she needed more time - or she would have tried to take her time as much as possible before going to find him. Either way, she wasn't sure if she was ready to see him now. The only problem was that he clearly couldn't be on his own right then, and she would be breaking her promise if she turned him away.

It took several agonizing minutes for Bickslow's eyes to stop glowing, but in that time, his tears had slowed. He was wracked with the occasional shudder, and a hiccup here or there, but the fact that Lucy was rubbing light circles over his shoulders helped. She always knew what to do to help him. His fingers danced down the curve of her cheek, then paused when he felt the tender brush of her hair on his skin. It took everything in him to pull away from her, but he knew that he had some serious explaining to do, and Lucy probably didn't want a damn thing to do with him.

What Bickslow hadn't been expecting was for Lucy to not let him get up. She held him in place, and it belatedly occurred to the Seith mage that he was actually lying between her legs. That only resulted in his face turning an unnatural shade of red.

"I need you to talk to me about it," Lucy finally whispered. "Where did you see Laxus?" She kept her eyes closed, partly because she was still tired. Aside from that, if Bickslow's eyes went out of control again, she would be safe. Alright, and because she just knew that seeing his face would break her. How lost and tormented he'd looked when she answered the door, the sight of his cheeks slicked with a never-ending stream of tears, it tore something apart deep within her. Sure, she hadn't known Bickslow for very long, but she'd never seen him look like that before. What was eating at her though, was how quickly he had unraveled once he saw her. The surprise she'd seen sitting plain as day on his face once he looked up at her.

"He bailed me out of jail," Bickslow admitted reluctantly. "I-I guess I broke into the toy store and got arrested again…"

"You…" Lucy sighed as her brow pushed together. Bickslow hadn't gotten arrested since she'd found him in that alley, but she also didn't know how often it happened in the first place. "How did he know you were there?"

* * *

_**Call me, baby, if you need a friend  
I just wanna give you love** _

* * *

"W-Well, I… I didn't think you'd answer, but… I used my phone call anyway. And…"

"You called me?" Lucy asked, confused. She had been home for a good portion of the day, and ended up calling it a night pretty early. Ever since what happened at the guild with Bickslow, she just didn't really want to be there. She didn't want everyone looking at her, knowing that he'd cheated on her. And she definitely didn't want to listen to Gray and Cana talking about him the way they were. No, in her mind, that would only sway her decision. And Lucy needed to figure out for herself how she felt. She knew that her friends meant well, that they were only watching out for her and trying to make sure she didn't get hurt, but this was something she had to do on her own.

Bickslow nodded slowly. "I don't blame you for not answering though. I shouldn't even be here…"

When he tried to pull away again, Lucy frowned and held him in place. "Talk to me, Bickslow. What happened after you called me?"

"The guy at the desk asked if there was someone else I could call," he whispered. "The only other person I could think of was…"

"Laxus."

He nodded again, taking another shaky breath. "H-He came, but… When I was leaving, I saw him. H-He wouldn't even talk to me… Lucy, he just… H-He just disappeared. Right in front of me…"

Her frown deepened when Bickslow cuddled closer to her, and the blonde let out another long sigh as one hand slid up his back to comb through his hair. She didn't need to say the words that sat on the tip of her tongue, ready to jump free. Laxus left Bickslow. Again.

"I-I just don't get it," Bickslow sniffled. "What did I do to make him hate me…"

"I'm sure he doesn't hate you," Lucy said gently.

Bickslow shook his head at that. "He does… I just wanted to… To talk to him. See how he is! But he took one look at me and then he just… Left." He sniffled again. "Everyone leaves me behind," he whispered sadly. "I-I'm not good enough for-"

"Bickslow, don't talk like that."

"Why?" he asked angrily. "All I ever do is fuck things up. Just look at me and you. If that's not one huge mistake, then I don't know what is…"

Lucy froze and stared down at the tips of his sapphire mohawk with pain-filled eyes. "A… mistake?" she whispered, hoping with everything she was worth that her voice came out stronger than she felt.

Bickslow let out a long breath, then forced himself to pull away from the blonde beneath him. She didn't even try to pull him back, to keep him right where he was, to keep comforting him. He couldn't look at her though. Not at how beautiful she looked while she was lying on the floor, or anything else. And definitely not into the eyes that he knew were gazing back at him with anger. She had every right to be mad at him, to hate him. "Sorry for barging in," he muttered while standing up. "I won't bother you again, okay?"

The totems flew through the air and hovered in front of the door, blocking the Seith mage's path. "Bickslow," they huffed. "Talk to her."

"No point," he sighed, staring down at his feet. Without realizing he wasn't talking to them in his head, Bickslow continued. "She hates me, babies. Lucy's better off without me. Let's just get outta here."

Lucy slowly sat up when she heard the totems protesting, watching as Bickslow plucked them from the air and shoved them in his pockets. "Bickslow-"

"You don't need to say anything," Bickslow said softly as he placed a hand on the doorknob. It took everything in him to turn it and open the door, but he just couldn't let himself be a burden to Lucy anymore. This was for the best. He knew that now. "I get it. You were gonna leave me anyway, so…" He turned saddened, puffy eyes to her when he heard her breath catch. "I'll stay out of your hair. Bye, Lucy…"

* * *

_**Reaching out to you, so take a chance** _

* * *

She stood frozen in place as she watched him walk out of her apartment, tears welling in her eyes and quickly dribbling down her face. Everyone had been telling her to break up with Bickslow officially. Erza, Gray, Cana… Natsu was the only one that hadn't taken a side in all of it. He said she could always talk to him if she wanted, but even the Fire Slayer knew he probably wouldn't be of much help, but he'd said that he'd listen.

Her arms wrapped around herself, feeling a sudden chill in her bones. She'd wanted to forgive Bickslow, but she couldn't. Lucy couldn't let herself forgive and forget so easily. Not when her heart was the one that was hanging in the balance. Still…

She had asked Cana for a play-by-play of what happened at the club. And Lucy found out that Bickslow had been snorting coke. It wasn't just the coke that was in his system, she knew that. He'd been mixing drugs while she was away. Bickslow had missed her, and he'd most likely been beside himself worrying about what would happen.

But how much of what happened could she really lump under the drugs? How was she supposed to know whether or not that was even a good enough reason for what he'd done? Their relationship was supposed to be a way for Bickslow to see that there were ways for him to feel like he didn't need the drugs. She was supposed to be there for him, to make him smile, and feel like he was safe and cared about. And Lucy did care about him. The problem was that, somewhere along the way, she'd come to care about him as more than just the shaky friends they had been before.

Lucy really started to care, and this was what happened. Maybe it really was for the best if they stopped dating. She wouldn't get more emotionally invested, and Bickslow… Well, Lucy could still be his friend. She could still help him work through his addiction. Maybe they just didn't work together as a couple.  _'Is that it then?'_  she wondered while staring at the tear-blurred door.

* * *

_**No matter where you go  
You know you're not alone** _

* * *

"Bickslow?" Freed sighed in relief at the sight of the sullen Seith mage on his doorstep. He pulled his robe more tightly around himself and opened the door the rest of the way, ushering him inside and away from the chill in the air and the few flurries wisping through the early December air. "Where on earth have you been?"

Bickslow winced and kept his eyes lowered as he walked inside, lightly scratching his arm. "Sorry," he whispered.

"It's been three days," Freed said while closing the door. "And it's three o'clock in the morning."

"Yeah…"

"What on earthland is going on?" Freed frowned and followed Bickslow further into his home, his eyes cutting to an open door when he heard shuffling sounds coming from within the darkened room. "Bickslow…"

"I dunno, Freed," Bickslow replied. He wasn't going to tell the Rune mage that he'd gotten arrested the night he disappeared, or that he saw Laxus. Or that he'd been high as hell and spending his nights on rooftops ever since he left Lucy's house. Or getting into fights. Hell, the beating he'd gotten from Mittens down at Bluelight was worth it. He deserved that kind of pain. "I just wanna be alone."

"If that is the case, why are you here and not at home?"

"Freed," Evergreen yawned while she put her glasses on and walked out of his bedroom. "What's…" She froze when Bickslow turned his head slowly to look at her. "Bickslow? Oh Mavis, where have you been?"

He frowned, taking in how her hair was down in long, tangled waves, how she was wearing the pale green silk robe she always took on overnight missions. Her legs were bare, but the Fairy mage always wore sleep pants when she was around the team. Slowly, he looked back to Freed, watching as a deep flush crossed his cheeks. "You two are fucking," he muttered. "Lovely. Really, just fucking peachy."

Evergreen jolted in surprise at the seething tone in his voice. "Bickslow?"

He shook his head and turned around, getting ready to walk out. No way was he going to tell Freed and Evergreen what was going on now. He'd actually been considering it, too. He'd thought that, if he didn't have Lucy, maybe he should try depending on his team for a change. Maybe they could help him. But… There was no way in hell he was going to bring the two of them into his fucked up life when they were together. No, he knew Freed. And he knew Evergreen. They weren't just fucking. If they were intimate, then that meant they were in a real relationship. He wasn't going to put  _any_  stress on that if he could help it. And that really only solidified the reason he'd come here in the first place.

"Where are you going?" Freed asked with a frown. "Bickslow, we have been worried about you."

"You disappeared without a trace," Evergreen added sadly. "We looked all over for you, but it's like you just vanished into thin air. Where have you been?"

"Doesn't matter," Bickslow sighed. "Have fun guys. I'm gonna just go."

"No," Freed said with a firm voice and deep scowl.

"Hell no!" Evergreen shouted. "You just got here!"

Bickslow really had no clue what he was thinking, just coming back here. He hadn't even realized what time it was when he showed up and knocked on the door. All he knew was that he was starting to come down, and he wanted to be with his friends for a little while longer. Like hell was he going to tell them about his addiction, or where he'd been… Or anything else. Freed and Evergreen had each other. Now, he really was just a third wheel.  _'Always the odd one out… And it's my fault.'_

Freed jumped when Bickslow took a step and violent pounding started sounding on his front door. "What in the world?" he whispered while turning around and answering it. His eyes went wide when he was greeted with the sight of a very flustered Lucy, her eyes wide and scared and her chest heaving with every breath she took while snowflakes drifted from her hair.

"Please tell me you've seen Bickslow," Lucy said breathlessly. She didn't care that she was standing in the first snow of the season wearing only a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. The goosebumps on her flesh and the numbness in her hands told her that she really  _should_  care, but she didn't. She couldn't find it in herself to care in the slightest about any of that when she woke up to a strange sound in her apartment and caught a glimpse of the Seith mage ducking out of her bedroom window.

It had freaked Lucy right the hell out at first, but then she saw that the light was on at her desk, and there was something sitting on a single sheet of paper. She had looked out the window to see him flying away on his babies, then made her way over to the desk to find something that had her heart shattering.

* * *

_**Come along with me and don't be scared  
I just wanna set you free** _

* * *

A shining, polished totem that resembled a bird sat on the piece of paper on her desk. The detailing on it was intricate, each feather carefully carved and the eyes holding depth she could never have imagined possible. But what was written, it had the blonde barely remembering to put on her shoes and grab her belt with her keys and whip before she rushed out of the door.

_Lucy, I'm sorry that I hurt you, and that all I've ever done is make you cry. I've done some thinking, and it's probably better if I just leave for good. I wanted things to be great with us, but I just keep messing up. I'm gonna miss you though. The guild, Laxus, my team… I'm gonna miss you more than any of them. It wasn't fair of me to use you as a crutch like I did. You deserve better than that. You don't need my issues in your life, and I know you'd probably tell me that I'm wrong. Or that it doesn't matter because you're my friend and you want to help me._

_It's okay though. I'm better off alone. I know it's probably weird that I'm writing this to you while you're sleeping, but I couldn't say this to your face. You don't want to see me anymore anyway. No one does… And that's my fault. It always is, but that's just how it works for me. I loved being able to spend time with you though, and waking up with you. And you always had this way of making me smile when I couldn't find a reason to do it myself. I felt like I could really do it, y'know? Like I wasn't going to fail. Like I could get better._

_But that's all gone now. I can't be here anymore. I don't know where I'll go, or what I'll do. Maybe I'll finally just overdo it and kick the bucket like I should have a while ago. My luck's gotta run out sometime, right? You deserve to be happy though, and you can't have that with me. I can't make anyone happy. I'm just not good enough…_

_I should probably tell you about the bird though. I made it while you were away. I needed something to do, so I figured I'd make you a present. I wanted to give it to you and tell you about how I saw that in the village where my babies' faces came from, and I wanted to see you smile while you looked at it. There's no reason for me to keep it, because you're the one that's free now. You don't have to worry about me anymore. You won't hear from me again. Maybe I should keep it, just so you don't have any reminders of me, but I want you to have it._

_I'm gonna go now. I don't really know how to end this letter, and it's longer than I thought it would be. My babies are saying that I should stay, and that we should talk, but there's nothing left to say. I hurt you, and I keep hurting you, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I don't deserve the chance anyway. I want to give you one last kiss, but I can't let myself. It'll just make it harder to leave you here. It'll make me want to stay and beg you to give me a chance. I loved kissing you. Your lips were so soft, and you tasted so amazing. It was like you sucked out my soul every time my lips were on yours, and I couldn't have been happier to feel something like that. I've never felt like that before. I'm gonna miss you, Lucy. Thanks for trying to help me._

_I'm sorry I'm not a better person._

_Goodbye…_

_-Bickslow_

Freed blinked in surprise, then opened the door further to reveal the Seith mage who was staring at the door with wide eyes. "What is happ-"

Lucy scowled and stormed inside, then slapped Bickslow as hard as she could. It ended up knocking him to the ground, and she stalked forward to tower over him while he put a hand to his red cheek and gaped at her.

"L-Lucy," Bickslow whispered.

"Yeah!" she shouted. "What the hell, Bickslow?"

"I…"

"You break into my apartment, leave me the sweetest, most beautiful gift I've ever seen, then write me a letter saying you're leaving?" she screeched. "What the actual fuck?!"

"Leaving?" Evergreen gasped, turning to stare at her friend when he stayed silent. "What is she talking about?"

"It's why I came over," Bickslow whispered. "I-I'm… I'm leaving."

"Surely you can't mean…" Freed whispered.

Bickslow nodded. "The team, the guild… Maybe just Fiore in general."

"And you think I'm just going to let you run away with your tail between your legs?" Lucy seethed. "Bickslow, you never even talked to me about what happened! One minute, you're getting bailed out of jail by Laxus, and crying all over me because he left you in the middle of the street… and now you're just leaving?"

"You were in jail?!" Freed and Evergreen shouted.

Bickslow winced and stared down at his hands. "I broke into the toy store and set off the alarm… I-I was bored."

"Regardless," Lucy huffed. "You and I never talked about what happened at that club. So, you're telling me that you want to break up and just leave, even though-"

"You were gonna do it anyway."

"And how do you know that?"

Bickslow let out a heavy sigh, forcing himself to slowly rub his arm instead of scratching it like he wanted. "I just do."

Lucy scowled, ignoring the other two members of his team, and dropped to her knees in front of him. "I wasn't planning on leaving you," she whispered. "I needed time to sort through everything."

"It's too late to fix it," Bickslow whispered when her hands closed over his, drawing slow circles on the backs of them. "I cheated on you. End of story. Everyone hates me anyway, so there's no point in staying here."

Evergreen's thin brows drew together while she tucked herself into Freed's side. She couldn't ever remember seeing Bickslow quite like this before. His visor was gone, so she was actually able to see just how torn up he was over what was happening. Still, she couldn't understand just what had brought him to the conclusion that he needed to leave everything behind. How he could be willing to just give it all up, when he should be fighting to get Lucy back.

"I don't want you to go," Lucy whispered. "I made you a promise, Bickslow."

"You know what I did," he whispered back. "I haven't stopped… I can't…" His hands clenched around hers and he grimaced as he felt the telltale skittering beneath his flesh. "You can make all the promises you want, but it's hopeless.  _I'm_  hopeless."

"You're not hopeless," she sighed. "Bix…"

He shook his head and finally looked back up to meet her gaze. "I am, Lucy." There was no point in trying to hide anything from her, and he completely forgot that his team was standing there, watching him fall apart. "I keep trying to stop doing it, and I can't. It's too hard, and all I do is hurt everyone around me."

"You're human," she whispered. "You're allowed to make mistakes, and this… I told you I'd help you, Bickslow."

Freed frowned when he saw Bickslow shudder and clamp his eyes shut. Without a moment's hesitation, Lucy pulled his head down to her shoulder right when his eyes started glowing. He knew there was something that just wasn't adding up about it all, but the Rune mage just couldn't place his finger on it. His lips parted, the question poised just behind his teeth, when he felt Evergreen shift against him.

The Fairy mage looked on worriedly as Lucy moved to kneel between Bickslow's legs while the glow from his eyes got brighter. She reached up and put her hand over Freed's eyes, already knowing that her glasses were enough of a barrier to keep her safe from Bickslow's magic. What she hadn't been expecting was for Lucy to automatically bury her head in the crook of Bickslow's neck, or for him to lift his head and keep his teary eyes open.

The light grew brighter and brighter until the Seith mage hissed in pain, then it began to pulse slowly. He wasn't looking at anything in particular, just staring at the ground and trying to ignore the way Lucy felt against him. "I-I should go," he whimpered.

Lucy shook her head. "No. I won't let you run away." After a silent minute, with her fingers sinking into his hair and lightly scraping over his scalp, the blonde whispered, "You never got to tell me your side, Bickslow. No one let you talk, and that wasn't fair to you. Or to me. So, I want to hear from you what happened, okay? Tell me what you were trying to say before, and we'll go from there."

Did it hurt that he'd kissed another woman? Hell yes. Lucy hadn't fully forgiven him for it, either. But she couldn't let him just run away from this. It wasn't about making him feel bad about it, because her friends had done a bang-up job of that already when it was obvious he knew he fucked up. No, for Lucy, it was about understanding the situation. She cared about him, as a friend and as his girlfriend, and she had to remember that he still needed support to get through his addiction. Bickslow was going to make mistakes, he was going to apologize and maybe even lie about things, but… Somewhere, deep down, she knew he was a good guy.

It was why this was all so confusing for her. Bickslow didn't seem like the type of person to cheat on his girlfriend, he was too sweet for that. All Lucy knew was that she had to give him a chance to say his piece. She didn't want him to leave, and maybe it was stupid of her for wanting to stay with him after finding out what he did, but that was why it had taken so long to decide what to do. She kept second-guessing herself, wondering if she was just falling into the same trap of being too forgiving just to get hurt again.

"I-I… But…" Bickslow wanted so badly to wrap his arms around the blonde and pull her closer. But this wasn't going to work out. Lucy was just going to keep getting hurt if he stuck around.

"It's okay," Lucy said soothingly. "Everything will work out. I'm not giving up on you, Bix." A sad smile pulled up the corners of her mouth when he sniffled and finally crushed her to his chest. It hurt like hell, considering her ribs were still healing, but she just let it go.

* * *

_**You and me can make it anywhere  
For now, we can stay here for a while** _

* * *

"Y-You really won't give up on me?" he cried softly.

"Never, Bix. Even if we did break up, I'd still be there for you."

"I-I don't…" He paused and sniffled again, closing his eyes even though it burned to do it. "I don't wanna break up… I don't wanna lose you…"

Lucy slowly looked up at Freed and Evergreen, shocked to find them both wearing hardly a stitch of clothing - save their robes - with the Fairy mage pressed to Freed's side. They hadn't a clue what was going on with their friend, and while she wanted nothing more than to just blurt it out, she couldn't.  _'Bickslow has to tell them himself.'_  She let out a slow breath, then pulled away from the Seith mage slowly to look into his barely glowing, tear-filled eyes.

Bickslow sniffled again as Lucy brushed a thumb over his cheek, his eyes sliding closed once more when he felt her lips pressing tenderly to the corner of his mouth. "Baby…"

Lucy smiled tenderly. "Still soul-sucking?" she giggled.

Bickslow let out a watery laugh and nodded. "Always," he whispered. "Can we, um… Sleep? I'm exhausted..."

Lucy's brow furrowed for a moment, then she realized he was trying to very discreetly tell her that he was coming down. "We'll talk when we get up," she nodded. "After you get some breakfast in you."

Evergreen's breath caught in her throat at the childlike smile, filled with adoration, that spread over Bickslow's face. He was usually grinning like a madman, with his tongue hanging out and wagging all over the place, but this was one she'd never seen on him.  _'Lucy is so good for him…'_  It was the only explanation she had for the way her friend was looking at the blonde.

Freed carefully cleared his throat, his brow pinched in thought. "Bickslow, your room is still prepared. Would you like to sleep here tonight?"

Bickslow shrunk in on himself slightly. He didn't want Lucy to leave, but he didn't want to just invite her over. Besides, she might not want to stay at Freed's house with him. Or even stay in the same room. Hell, maybe she only came running because of his letter.

"Lucy, you are welcome to stay as well," Freed added quickly when Evergreen nudged his side with her elbow. "I am sure you do not wish to walk back home in the snow, considering you're… Inadequately dressed for the current weather." He couldn't help but chuckle when she and Bickslow looked down to see what he was talking about, only for both to start blushing up a storm. The fact that not a single perverse comment came from the Seith mage gave him pause, but Freed could only assume it was because Lucy had very obviously forgotten a bra.

Lucy made an odd choked noise while burying herself against Bickslow's warm chest. "Th-Thanks, Freed," she squeaked.

"Stay with me?" Bickslow whispered. "Please?"

Lucy nibbled her lip, then nodded. She stood up with him, then pulled off her boots while he did the same, and set them by the door.

"Bix," Evergreen said while walking over to the maybe-couple at the door while Freed went to grab more towels for the guest bathroom. "Do you wanna go see if maybe you've got something for Lucy to change into? There's snow on her pants."

Bickslow nodded quickly and made his way to the room he'd been using while he stayed with Freed, letting his babies float out of his pockets. Once he was out of the room, Evergreen let out a slow breath and hugged Lucy tightly. "Are you okay?" she whispered. She and the blonde hadn't really had a chance to talk since she had come back with her team. She'd wanted to more than anything, but between keeping an eye on Bickslow - and then trying to find him after he pulled that disappearing act - and just how seldom Lucy went to the guild after her team came back, there was just no time.

"I don't know," Lucy whispered back, returning the hug just as tightly. "This sucks though."

Evergreen nodded and pulled back. "I don't understand it, but I also don't understand what's going on with him. Bickslow has been getting worse and worse since Laxus left, but…"

Lucy shook her head at that, walking with the Fairy mage as she was led to the couch. Her eyes cut over to the hallway Bickslow had disappeared down, then back to the brunette beside her. "He's had a lot on his mind lately," she said carefully. "I know some of it, because I've gotten him to open up to me about it, but… I don't know if whatever it is caused everything else…"

"Does it have anything to do with why he was in the hospital?" Freed asked as he walked back into the room. "Laxus never told us why Bickslow has been hospitalized so often over the years, even though we should have been informed. If it is a medical condition, we should know so that we can take his needs into consideration."

Lucy smiled kindly at the Rune mage. All that was missing from the picture of him being a concerned father was a pipe of some sort and a newspaper.  _'Total Leave It To Beaver dad.'_  Honestly, she hadn't realized that he was essentially wearing a smoking jacket and slippers until then. "I agree that you should know," Lucy nodded, hearing Bickslow's hushed voice while he talked to his babies and came down the hall. "But I promised Bickslow that I wouldn't tell anyone about it. I  _can_  tell you that it's something he's been dealing with for a long time, though. He's just… ashamed of it, I guess. I've been trying to keep an eye on it though, and help him however I can."

The other two members of Bickslow's team nodded with heavy sighs. If Lucy wouldn't tell them, then there wasn't anything else they could do to figure out how to help him. "Is there anything else you can tell us?" Evergreen asked softly.

Lucy shook her head and stood when Bickslow walked into the living room with his babies in tow. She didn't fight it when he pulled her into his arms, and instead just decided that he needed the comfort more than anything right then. She didn't want to jump right back into the level of intimacy - which wasn't all that much to be honest - with him before they'd even had a chance to talk about what happened in that club, but hugging was alright.

Bickslow looked over at Freed and Evergreen. "I, um… I'll be out for a while."

"He's been having issues with insomnia," Lucy added, gently running her hands over his back. "Since a little before I left, actually." When they nodded in understanding, Lucy pulled back and smiled softly up at him. "If you're tired, then we should get some sleep."

* * *

_**'Cause you know, I just wanna see you smile** _

* * *

Bickslow let out a soft breath, then led Lucy down the hall to the room they would be sleeping in. "I don't have much here," he said tiredly, "But this should be okay."

Lucy smiled when he handed her a deep purple shirt that was several sizes too large for her, and she simply couldn't hold in her giggling fit when she saw that it had the phrase  _'I'm a Bad Mamma Jamma'_ in silver script across the chest. "Bix?"

He smirked and started removing the layers upon layers of clothes he was wearing with his back turned to her. "Yeah. That would be Laxus. He had a habit of giving us dorky shit like that."

Lucy turned away from him and put the overly large shirt on, then slipped her tank top off from under it, then her pants. There was enough fabric for it to fall an inch or so above her knees, even with her chest eating up quite a bit of the shirt.

"Wow…"

Lucy turned around with a slight blush on her cheeks when she heard the breathy quality to Bickslow's voice. The fact that he was staring at her with hungry eyes wasn't really anything new, with the exception that he was usually high as a kite when it happened. This time though, he was coming down, and a little more normal - well, normal for him - which left her blushing even brighter. "What?" she squeaked, pulling the front of the shirt down to her knees. "It's longer than what I usually wear…"

"Yeah," he nodded slowly. Problem was, Lucy was sexy as hell in her regular clothes. In just his shirt, she was somehow ten times sexier. He couldn't explain it, but then he didn't really want to. All he wanted was to throw out all of her clothes and have her wear just his shirts for the rest of his life.

What Bickslow failed to notice was that Lucy was having much the same dilemma when she saw him wearing nothing more than a pair of shorts. Shorts, she might add, that were doing very little in the way of hiding just what he thought about how she looked. She cleared her throat and gave him a sheepish smile, then walked over to the bed with the covers already turned down. "Time for sleep."

Bickslow gulped, trying to remember how the fuck his legs even functioned, then finally turned for the bed and sat down once Lucy turned out the light on the nightstand. He knew Freed wasn't planning on coming in at any point, especially because he and Evergreen were most likely going to be busy doing one thing or another, so he didn't have any issue with sleeping shirtless. Especially if it meant that he could feel Lucy's hands on his skin.

Lucy rolled onto her side as Bickslow did the same, and she smiled when she saw a faint, almost unnoticeable glimmer of light in the concentric green rings of his irises. She'd never noticed that happening before, so it could just be because he was coming down. Then again, she didn't exactly make a habit out of sleeping in the same bed with Bickslow. At least, she tried not to.

Bickslow nibbled his lip nervously, then reached a tentative hand across the few inches of space between himself and Lucy in search of her own. Just the first brush of his fingers over her knuckles, and he suddenly felt more anxious than ever before. Except, he couldn't explain why.

"Just sleep," Lucy yawned. "I'm exhausted."

"I didn't mean to make you run out and look for me," Bickslow whispered, lacing their fingers together and bringing her hand up to brush his lips over her bright pink guild mark. He frowned slightly when he felt just how chilly her hand was. "I thought it'd be easier for you if…"

Lucy sighed and blinked slowly, feeling her eyelids drooping more with each passing second. "I know," she whispered. "But we can talk about it after we wake up. I'm not going anywhere."

Bickslow nodded, watching as her eyes slid closed again. "Um… Lucy?"

"Hmm?"

"Would it be okay if I, uh… And you can say no… But… I…"

Lucy barely opened her eyes, then smiled sleepily at him. "You wanna cuddle?" she whispered, giggling when he nodded. She shifted and rested her head on his chest, listening to his heart as it beat just a little faster than normal while his arms wound around her. She was beyond tired, and it really didn't make a difference to her whether or not he was holding her. Honestly, she preferred it once they were settled. "You're so warm…"

"And you're freezing," he whispered back with a frown. He adjusted his leg so her icy feet were pinned between his calves, then made sure the blanket was securely tucked around her. "I'm gonna start wrapping  _you_  in forty layers of clothes…"

She smiled and shook her head. "No," she sighed dreamily, her mind already drifting off to dreamland. "Just hold me."

He blinked when he felt her lips puckering against his chest, just over his heart, and found what was probably the goofiest fucking smile ever spreading across his face. "I love holding you," he whispered into her hair, chuckling when she snored softly. His smile stayed in place while he felt the pull of exhaustion washing over him, letting it drag him under into what would hopefully be a dreamless sleep.

* * *

_**No matter where you go  
You know you're not alone** _

* * *

A quiet groan filtered through the air, hardly passing the edge of the bed as Bickslow regained consciousness. His face usually scrunched up when he woke up after coming down, but this time he couldn't manage it. He was way too relaxed to do much of anything. "What're you doing?" he whispered.

Lucy smiled and walked two fingers up the length of his chest until she reached his collar bones. "Massage," she replied.

"Mmm. Chest massage?" he grinned sleepily as his eyes creaked open.

"Making sure you don't get all itchy. You've got scratches again." She looked up at him worriedly as her fingers glided from one side of his chest to the other, then back down to his stomach. "And bruises…"

Bickslow nodded, cringing. "I wasn't really in a good headspace," he admitted. "Went down to Bluelight… I'm surprised Mittens didn't break any of my bones this time." He let out a long breath and placed his hand over hers just above his navel. "I should probably tell you though… I talked to Gray and Loke."

Lucy's eyes narrowed. "Talked to them?"

"Yeah. At the park yesterday," he sighed. "They wanted to give me an earful about what happened, and then some."

"What did they do?" She was sure she knew the answer, but Lucy hoped that it just wasn't the case.

Bickslow brought her fingers to a large bruise on his ribs. "I let them," he whispered. "It's the least I could do for hurting you the way I did."

"You mean, they beat the shit out of you…"

He shrugged. "Loke and Gray have had it out for me for years now. Pretty sure Gray just went along with Loke before, but now that you're involved… Well, he said I hurt his sister."

"And you just let them?"

Bickslow nodded again, sighing when she started rubbing slow circles over the bruise on his ribs before gliding to his back. "It's fine," he whispered. "I just wanted to tell you. I don't blame them for it. I deserved it…"

Lucy frowned and shook her head. "No, you didn't. You didn't deserve any of the things that people have thrown at you lately. Not the shit with Cana and my team, not Gray and Loke… None of it."

"It's fine," Bickslow repeated. "I'm used to getting shit for everything."

"Well, not anymore."

He chuckled then, wrapping his arms around the blonde and pinning her hands to his chest. "If you say so…"

"Freed came in a little bit ago," Lucy whispered with a blush as she looked up into his eyes. "He said Evergreen is ordering out for dinner. I didn't know what you wanted, but she does I guess."

"I'm not really hungry yet."

"But you will be," she replied knowingly. "When was the last time you slept?"

"When Laxus bailed me out. I passed out in the cell for a few hours. And after I left your place, I went to Annie's and… Y'know."

"Not Axel?" Lucy asked.

"No. He doesn't start until noon-ish. I'm good with Annie, so she doesn't mind if I show up late at night. Mainly because she doesn't sleep at night anyway."

"Is she into that too?"

He shook his head. "Nah, she just makes it. Her sister was though. Felicia… Everyone called her Philly."

"Was?"

Bickslow shrugged. "No one's seen Philly for a while now, but she tended to disappear more often than I did. She'll turn up again, I'm sure. Probably all tweaked out and skinny as a rail. She usually forgot to take care of herself when she was riding high."

An odd sense of jealousy bubbled up in her chest when she heard how familiar Bickslow was with Felicia. Lucy refused to dwell on it though. She knew he had a past, and that his addiction tended to dictate quite a bit of what he did, so she just had to let it slide. Instead, she just nodded in understanding. "I get that you didn't come to me," she whispered sadly. "But I still wish you hadn't left that night."

* * *

_**I'm only one call away  
I'll be there to save the day** _

* * *

"I didn't know what else to do."

Lucy wanted to tell him that they could have talked through everything if he'd stayed, and that maybe he wouldn't have gone out and gotten high again if they had. There was a lot that she wanted to say, but she kept it to herself. They weren't exactly able to talk freely about what was going on while they were at Freed's without possibly being overheard. "When you're ready," she said slowly, letting her hand trail over his abs, "We can go to my place and talk."

"Not here?"

Lucy shook her head at that. "I want all the details, Bix. You can't do that if you're trying to make sure no one finds out about some things."

Realization dawned on him a moment later, and Bickslow flushed in embarrassment. "You said Freed came in?" When Lucy nodded, he nibbled his lip and glanced at the door. "Did he see anything? Like…"

"No. He knocked first, so I pulled the blanket over you." Lucy frowned when he sighed in relief. "Things would be easier if you just told your team about it, Bix. They're worried about you."

"No. They'll just be mad at me..."

"Bix-"

A knock sounded at the door, cutting off anything else the blonde might have said. Only a moment passed before Freed opened the door and walked into the room. "How are you feeling, Bickslow?" he asked as soon as he saw the Seith mage's eyes were open. _'He still looks tired though.'_

"Alright, I guess," Bickslow replied softly. "All things considered…"

Lucy smiled at the slightly perplexed look on the Rune mage's face, then slowly sat up. She made sure the blanket kept the majority of Bickslow's bare chest covered, already knowing that he didn't want anyone to see the scars on him from using, and most likely the result of his recent fighting. "What's up?"

Freed cleared his throat, looking to the blonde that hadn't left Bickslow's side except for her morning ablutions and breakfast and lunch. "Dinner is ready. Evergreen is getting everything set up, and asked that I inform you."

Lucy giggled and shook her head. She still couldn't believe just how proper Freed was sometimes. It was as though she'd fallen back into her old life, and it felt oddly comforting. "Thank you, Freed. We'll be out in just a couple minutes." After receiving a short nod and a small quirk of his lips, Lucy watched as the Rune mage quietly closed the door.

"I really don't wanna get up," Bickslow grumbled.

"I know," Lucy sighed softly, "But you need to eat."

"And brush my teeth…" He winced while running his tongue over his teeth. "Fuck, that's gross."

She rolled her eyes, smiling at the tired Seith mage over her shoulder. "Bix, you have one of the cleanest mouths out there,  _because_  you're so adamant about brushing your teeth. I think you'll be alright."

"Probably, but…" He tilted his head back to look at her properly. "I've gotta…"

"I know, Bix," she nodded. Hesitantly, she reached out and brushed her fingers across his brow, watching as he sighed and closed his eyes. "How about you just eat first, and then brush your teeth? Otherwise you'll be back in the bathroom doing it right afterwards, too."

His eyes creaked open only slightly while he worried his lower lip between his teeth. It made more sense to do it that way, but he always brushed his teeth as soon as he woke up - as long as he had the means or time to do it. "I don't know..." His brow pushed together when she laughed and shifted so she was kneeling next to him, then blinked in surprise as her lips brushed over the space between his eyebrows. "Maybe…?"

Lucy smirked and let her lips trail down his nose. She kissed the tip, then each cheek and his chin.

"... Yes?" Bickslow chuckled.

"Perfect," she giggled, her lips lingering over his. "And if it's really a big deal, then excuse yourself to do it, and chew some gum after you eat, alright?" She could vaguely remember reading something about excessive brushing actually being worse for your teeth, so Lucy was making it her mission to try and help him cut back on it here and there. Dental hygiene was all well and good, but even that needed to be done in moderation. "So let's get out of bed, and get some food in you, Sleepy Butt."

He gave her a tired smile, then stretched while she pulled the blankets away. That didn't go over so well when the bruises and scratches on him protested. Rather angrily, actually.

Lucy whirled around from where she was pulling on her sweatpants from the night before - that had, thankfully, dried overnight - when there was a loud thud on the ground. Followed by Bickslow groaning. Instantly, a loud laugh spilled from her and the blonde doubled over when she was greeted with the sight of a  _very_  elegantly scrunched up Seith mage with his face - which was buried in the blanket that was wrapped around his body - pressed to the floor, and his ass sticking up in the air. "B-Bix! How the hell..."

"I have no idea," he sighed. "But I'm stuck, and I think I'm just gonna lay here." Really, he didn't have the energy to do a whole lot of anything. And he would have to put on quite the show while they were eating with his team so they didn't suspect anything.  _'God, this fucking sucks…'_  It was why he tried to make sure he was never around Freed or Evergreen when he was coming down, or sobering up until he got his next fix.

Lucy shook her head and made her way over to her partially cocooned boyfriend - because as far as she was concerned, they were still an item - then unraveled the blanket from around his neck and feet. The fact that all he did was stretch out by slowly rubbing his face along the shining wood floor of the bedroom, one that made an unsettling skittering noise, had her laughing again once his stomach was on the floor. "Come on, Bix. Time to get up. Food, remember?"

"Baby," he whined, his face drawing up into a pout. "Just lemme sleep more, okay?"

"You slept for over twelve hours," Lucy reasoned. "Come on. Shirt and food."

"I wanna sleep for a week…"

"Bickslow," she sighed with a roll of her eyes. She glanced at the duffel bag that was sitting on the dresser, then made her way over and grabbed a pale blue thermal shirt. Never in a million years would she have pictured him wearing this color, but she really wasn't going to dwell on it. She made her way back over to him then picked up one of his hands and got ready to put it through the sleeve. She paused though when she saw just how many new punctures there were on his arm. "Bix…"

His eyes slid open to find Lucy worrying her bottom lip between her teeth while she stared at his arm. "Sorry," he whispered. "I…"

She counted them all, and felt her stomach churning. Ten ran the length of his arm, from his shoulder to his wrist. Two were set in the webbing between his fingers. "Is this…  _all_  from the last couple days?"

"That arm is…"

She jolted at that, and quickly rolled him onto his back, grabbing his other arm and feeling her eyes go wide at the number of marks he had. Fifteen on his forearm. Twelve in his bicep. Six between his fingers. "Oh my god," she gasped. "Wh-When…"

"I don't wanna say."

"Tell me."

Bickslow shook his head, then silently cursed his luck when Papa decided to answer for him. "Since your date."

"Y-You…" Her brow pushed together in concern and she reached forward when he turned away from her, pulling his chin back. Once their eyes met, she shook her head. "Bix. That long? I thought…"

"See why I tried to leave?" he whispered, regret showing in his shaky voice. "I didn't stop. Well, I stopped for our date, but…" He shook his head again. "I'm sorry, baby…"

* * *

_**Superman got nothing on me  
I'm only one call away** _

* * *

Lucy let out a slow breath, looking at the damage that had been done to his body in just the past week alone. He wasn't too thin, so she knew that he'd at least been eating, but his flesh was covered in mottled bruises, some a greenish-yellow while others were still a deep purple. There were long scratch marks running diagonally across his chest, down one arm, and over the opposite hip. Then there were the track marks. Forty-five of them in all. In only a matter of days, less than two weeks, Bickslow had shot up forty-five times. And that wasn't including the coke he'd obviously snorted at the club, or anything else he might have put in his system.

He winced when he saw the horror-stricken look on her face. "I-I'm really, really sorry," he whispered. "I-"

"No," Lucy finally said once she found her voice. "No, I get it. Um… We'll talk about that when we get to my place, okay?"

He didn't like hearing her voice like this, how shaky it was, and he only shook his head. "Baby, I…"

"Bix, really," Lucy whispered as she dropped his shirt and wrapped her arms around him as best as she could from their positions on the floor. "You don't need to say anything about it. Thank you for the apology."

"But…"

"No buts," she sighed against his neck. A small smile turned up her lips when he shifted to wrap his own arms around her. "They're waiting for us. Let's get you dressed, and we'll talk about it all later."

He sighed and nodded slowly, then watched as she sat up and grabbed his hand again. Slowly, and with more tenderness than he'd ever experienced, he saw the blonde push his hand through the sleeve of his shirt. She repeated on his other hand, and he found his face heating up when she stood and straddled his hips, then pulled him into a sitting position. Really, he didn't have anything in the way of energy, and the fact that Lucy wasn't even batting an eye over essentially dressing him as though he was being a monstrously petulant toddler, was both endearing and a little alarming. She was way too good at this, that was for sure.

Without a thought, Lucy knelt down once she got him into the proper position, and ended up sitting right in his lap. She pulled each of his sleeves to his shoulders, then bunched up the shirt and put it over his head. As soon as his sleepy eyes and blushing cheeks were sticking out of the shirt, she smiled at him. "There's my handsome man," she crooned.

Bickslow blinked in surprise, although his body was moving a lot slower than he intended, while she finished pulling his shirt down. Her fingers dipped beneath the lower hem of his shirt and he felt her knuckles lightly grazing his skin while she made sure it sat perfectly. Along his back and stomach, around the collar to make sure it sat just right. Then down to his sleeves, pulling and tucking them until he was comfortable and his wrists were covered. Her hands smoothed over his shoulders after running her fingers through his hair to fix it, and he looked back up at her with tears suddenly burning his eyes.

Lucy's smile disappeared when she saw the look on Bickslow's face just before he crushed her to his chest and buried his head against her shoulder. "Bix?" she asked cautiously. "What's wrong?"

He wasn't entirely sure what he could say, but he also wasn't entirely sure if his voice was even going to cooperate with him right then. Just one simple thing, and he was a fucking mess. She took care of him, even when he didn't deserve it. More than that, no one had ever done something like that for him. Laxus would have just thrown clothes at him and told him to get dressed. He wasn't sure what Freed or Evergreen would have done in this situation, assuming they actually saw him without a shirt on. But more than that… He couldn't ever remember  _anyone_  in his life helping him with something that was otherwise so insignificant.

There were plenty of times he'd been sick, or even just tired, when he was a kid, and hadn't wanted to move for anything. His parents never helped him though. His mom would just look at him and walk away, mumbling about how she didn't have time to deal with his shit. She never helped him get dressed in the morning when he was little. She never smiled and fixed his hair, saying anything remotely close to the sweet words that came from Lucy.

He'd seen plenty of women caring for their kids over the years. Wiping their little noses with tissues and holding them close. Kissing them on the forehead and smiling, rocking them from side to side and soothing them when they were upset. He never had any of that. He'd wanted it more than anything, for someone to just care about him a little bit while he was growing up, but that just wasn't how things had played out. Bickslow didn't want to think about his mom though. He never did. There was just no way to get away from it.

Lucy's frown deepened when she heard him sniffle slightly, and her arms wound around his shoulders. What she hadn't been expecting was for Bickslow to whimper when she started rubbing slow circles over his back. She was completely lost by that point, and her head shot up when there was a hardly audible knock on the door.

Evergreen's coy smile disappeared when she saw Lucy and Bickslow on the floor, and took in the Seith mage's shuddering shoulders. Her gaze shot to the blonde, who looked utterly confused. Just as her mouth opened to ask what was wrong, Lucy shook her head.

"Bix, what's wrong?" Lucy whispered.

He shook his head quickly. He didn't want to talk about it. All he wanted was for Lucy to keep holding him. Luckily, the blonde seemed to get the picture, because her arms tightened around him and her lips pressed to his hair.

* * *

_**And when you're weak I'll be strong  
I'm gonna keep holding on** _

* * *

Evergreen nodded and silently closed the door, and Lucy let out a soft sigh while she kept holding Bickslow. "It's okay, baby," she whispered soothingly. She didn't have a clue just what had upset him, but she was sure as hell going to make sure he didn't stay that way.

" _You should tell her about your mom,"_ the totems silently whispered.  _"She'll understand…"_

" _No. I don't wanna think about it, babies."_

" _But-"_ Pipi began, only to get cut off by Papa.

" _That's enough. Bickslow has a good reason to try and forget."_  Papa paused.  _"It's okay now, Bickslow. Just hold Lucy. It'll be okay."_

Bickslow took a shuddering breath, then lifted his head and roughly wiped at his eyes. He felt Lucy's fingers on his jaw, gently guiding him to look at her. Her thumb swiped over his cheek, and as soon as he saw her sad smile, and her gentle eyes looking into his own teary ones, he leaned forward and finally pressed his lips to hers. Maybe she wasn't ready for him to kiss her after what happened at that club, but he just needed it. It wasn't about anything sexual. He just wanted her comfort.

Lucy smiled again when Bickslow pulled back from the short kiss and rested his forehead against hers. "You know you can tell me anything," she whispered.

He nodded slowly.

"I won't ask, but… If you ever want to talk about what just happened… Let me know."

He nodded again. "I-I'm sorry…"

"No need to apologize, Bix. It's what I'm here for." She brushed her nose over his, giving him another smile when his eyes opened again. "We'll go out there in a couple minutes." She lightly squeezed his shoulders, then brushed her fingers through his hair. "Take all the time you need, Bix."

* * *

_**Now don't you worry, it won't be long** _

* * *

Freed looked up from his meal when he heard Bickslow and Lucy coming down the hall, his brow pushed together in concern. Once she left the room, Evergreen had told him what was going on. Well, what little she had seen before leaving to give the two some privacy. He wanted to ask Bickslow himself, but the Fairy mage had advised against it. If Bickslow wouldn't open up to Lucy about it, then he wouldn't tell them. It definitely hurt to think that they weren't as close to the Seith mage as they'd originally thought, and that he didn't think he could open up to them, but Freed knew that there were some things one just didn't want others to know.

Lucy smiled warmly at the sight of Bickslow's team sitting at the table, slowly picking at their food and very obviously waiting for their guests to join them. "Thanks, guys," she said while sitting down. One glance at what was on her plate, however, had Lucy confused. "What is this?" she asked curiously.

Bickslow looked down once he was seated, and found a chuckle bubbling up. "You didn't have to get this."

Evergreen shrugged. "It's been a while since we've had it, Bickslow. Besides, I know that it's your favorite. You've been having a rough time lately, so…"

Lucy smiled warmly while looking at the blush on Bickslow's cheeks. "So, you're spoiling him?"

"Precisely," Freed replied.

"So, what exactly is this?" Lucy asked while looking down at the plate. She recognized rice, meat, and bread of some sort all piled together, but the smell was completely unexpected. It was spicy, that much she was sure of, but also earthy and exotic. Definitely something she could picture Bickslow enjoying.

Evergreen flushed slightly. "Freed, can you tell her? I always sound ridiculous when I try to say it."

"Freed's really not much better," Bickslow chuckled, smirking when the Rune mage gave him a raised brow. After taking a bite, with his eyes closing at just how delicious it was, he looked at the smiling blonde who was trying to decide where to start. "Kachchi gosht ki biryani," he said.

"Catch a ghost, what?" Lucy laughed.

"It's just rice, meat, spices, and bread," Bickslow laughed. He reached over and plucked her spoon from her hand, then scooped up a little bit of the rice and held it to her lips. Once she took a bite, and he saw her eyes lighting up in wonder, he slowly pulled the spoon out and winked. "This," he said while scooping a small portion of the side dish and settling it on her plate, "Is baghara baingan. It's roasted eggplant and curry."

Evergreen bit her lips when Lucy took a bite of the eggplant and her eyes grew even larger. "Pretty good, right?"

Lucy nodded quickly, then looked at Bickslow. "I think I've just found a new favorite food."

Bickslow grinned tiredly down at her, then pointed to the other dish on the table. "There's more. Usually you can have mirchi ka salan - green chili curry - with this, but… It's got peanuts in it."

"Is that why you never get it?" Evergreen asked curiously. "I just thought you didn't like it."

Bickslow smiled and shook his head. "Nope. My arch nemesis is in it." He pointed to the bowl filled with a thick white cream. "That's dahi chutney. It's yogurt with mint and onions. Helps cool things down if you're not used to how spicy the food is."

Lucy blinked rapidly against the sudden heat that shot through her mouth. An after-effect of the spices in the curry, she was sure. "Good god, that's hot!"

Evergreen smiled gently when Bickslow laughed and dished up a little of the chutney for the blonde. Yet again, he brought the spoon to her lips, feeding her the new dish and watching her every reaction. The instant relief that appeared on Lucy's slightly reddened face had a soft laugh spilling from her. "Right there with you, Lucy. I love eggplant, but that's too spicy for me."

Bickslow shrugged and took another bite of his own food, after mixing the baghara baingan in with his main dish, then said, "Nah. This is nothing." When the other three at the table stared at him in shock and maybe a little horror, Bickslow laughed. "What?"

"What the hell else have you been eating?" Lucy asked with a smile.

"Shit like this," Bickslow shrugged again. "This is normal where I come from."

Freed's head tilted to one side and he dabbed at his lips with a napkin before he spoke. "I didn't realize you were from Pergrande."

Bickslow nodded, keeping his eyes on his meal. "Yeah." His eyes cut over to the blonde next to him when he felt her fingers lacing with his beneath the table, then he smiled softly and gave her hand a light squeeze.

The meal continued on for several minutes with casual conversation passing between the four mages. It was while Bickslow was working on his third plate, with everyone else having long been filled to the brim with food, that Freed decided he needed to ask them about something. "Lucy," he said hesitantly. "You said that Laxus bailed Bickslow out of jail…"

Bickslow froze with the tip of his spoon sitting on his lips, staring wide-eyed at the Rune mage.

Lucy nodded. "Yeah."

When Freed simply nodded and stayed silent, Evergreen sighed and continued for him. "We were wondering if you knew anything else about it. Maybe why he came or… Why he didn't show up here…?"

"Honestly, I don't have a clue," Lucy answered. "I thought he would have at least come here to see you guys too, if he was in town in the first place."

"Laxus is not supposed to be in Magnolia," Freed supplied. "Still, I would have thought he would at least wish to visit with all of us…"

"If it's any consolation," Bickslow muttered, "He didn't say two words to me."

"What?" Evergreen whispered with a frown.

He nodded. "He bailed me out and then just teleported away, even though I was chasing after him and begging his ass to stay. I wanted to know how he was doing, what was going on while he's out there doing fuck only knows what, but…"

"How did he even know you were in jail?" Freed asked.

"I tried calling Lucy, but she didn't answer, so the guy let me make another call… Laxus was the first one to come to mind," Bickslow admitted sheepishly. "I didn't think he'd answer either, but… He did…"

"So, he's really gone again," Evergreen whispered sadly. "Did… Did he at least look alright?"

Bickslow nodded with a heavy sigh. "I really only saw his back, but he looked the same, I guess…"

"And he didn't say anything to you?" Freed asked.

"Not a word. Just looked at me and then… Boom… Gone." He really hadn't wanted his team to know he'd been in jail in the first place, let alone tell them that Laxus had been the one to bail him out. With the way he just left, Bickslow knew the guy hadn't come to see the other two. It was probably for the best that he was the only one that  _had_  seen him in the first place. Freed and Evergreen would have tried to make Laxus stay, and they probably would have told him what they knew about what was going on with Bickslow. Which would only make the Lightning Slayer pissed at him. Probably more than he already was.

"Well, the next time he shows up," Lucy muttered angrily, "He's getting a kick to the head." When the other three mages at the table stared at her with wide eyes, she shrugged. "Bickslow was a mess when he showed up at my apartment afterwards. And he couldn't even take a few minutes to come and see you guys too? He should have at least stopped and talked to Bickslow, but no… He just up and vanishes, even though it's obvious that you guys care about him."

"Laxus has never really been one for reunions," Evergreen sighed. "Maybe he just didn't want to get our hopes up that he was coming back for good."

"Even a visit is better than nothing at all," Lucy countered. "It just doesn't seem right…"

Bickslow shook his head with a heavy sigh. "Not that it really matters anyway. He's not coming back again…" Bickslow knew it was the truth. Laxus was never going to come back, and it was just something he needed to accept. He had Lucy now, and he wasn't going to let himself ruin things anymore. He had Freed and Evergreen, even if they didn't know what was really going on with him. Yeah, he missed Laxus more than anything, but there was nothing he could do about bringing his best friend back.

"On a happier note," Lucy said after taking a sip of her tea. "You two are together now?"

Freed and Evergreen blushed profusely, nodding as one. "Y-Yeah," Evergreen mumbled. "We just… got closer after Laxus left, and that mission we took for Bickslow's hospital bill helped. I guess it was bound to happen eventually though..."

Bickslow frowned. "What mission for my hospital bill?"

"We never told you," Freed said softly. "Because we didn't want you to worry about it. When Lucy found you, and while you were in a coma, Evergreen and I took a request to help pay for the bill. We were unsure as to how long you would be there, but we both agreed that you needed help."

"That's why they never sent me a bill," Bickslow mumbled to himself. He pursed his lips in thought, then looked at the flushed mages across the table. "You… You really did that… for me?"

"Of course," Evergreen said softly. "Bickslow, we care about you. Freed and I were beside ourselves trying to figure out what happened, but no one would tell us anything. Since Lucy was your proxy, she couldn't really leave, and we knew that it would take a little bit for you to get back on your feet. We were actually going to take another job when we came back, but then you were awake and…"

Lucy gently squeezed Bickslow's hand, giving him a tender smile. It seemed like he was finally realizing just how much his team cared about him, when he'd been so blind to it before.  _'Maybe that means he'll tell them sooner than I thought.'_  She could only hope that he would have enough faith in Freed and Evergreen to really open up to them and admit to his addiction.

* * *

_**Darling, and when you feel like hope is gone  
Just run into my arms** _

* * *

"Thanks, guys," Bickslow whispered while looking down at his empty plate. "You… You didn't have to do that for me."

"We did," Freed replied. "We are friends, Bickslow. Teammates. You have always been there for each of us, and we wanted to do the same for you."

"There for you?" Bickslow asked, his brow pushing together. "I've never done anything for you guys…"

Evergreen's brows shot up in surprise at that. "Bickslow, you're the one that put the team together in the first place. You invited Freed and then me into your little group with Laxus."

"You make us feel more normal, Bickslow," Freed added. "You keep our team together."

"You guys  _are_  normal," Bickslow frowned. If anything, he was the freak of the group.

Freed chuckled and shook his head. "While we might not be as outlandish as you can be from time to time, Laxus, Evergreen, and I are far from normal."

"Yeah, like how I've never had girl friends," Evergreen said, shooting Lucy a smile. "You dressed up and pretended for my sake. But it wasn't the same. Not until Lucy came into your life."

"And you know that I have difficulties with alienating others," Freed added. "I might scold you for what you do, but you make me feel more comfortable… And far less like no one understands what I am saying."

"And Laxus," Evergreen sighed. "Did you know that you're the only one that makes him laugh?"

Bickslow frowned and looked from one to the other, then shook his head.

"Well, you are. We care about you, Bickslow." Evergreen paused and reached across the table to rest her hand over his. "Freed and I were so worried when you disappeared."

"Every time, really," Freed interjected. "Especially after Laxus left."

"And then, with what's been going on the past couple days," Evergreen sighed. "We didn't know where to look for you. Laxus was the only one that could always find you…"

Lucy smiled tenderly up at Bickslow's profile, seeing the confusion and shame in his downcast eyes. "So," she whispered, drawing his attention to her, "If you ever feel like running, then run to one of us, okay?"

"Lucy," Bickslow whispered.

Her smile widened while her eyes grew indescribably softer. "You've got three people right here, plus your babies, that care about you. If you need somewhere to go, then come to me. Or to your team. That's what friends are for, Bickslow."

He let out a heavy sigh, then lightly squeezed Lucy's and Evergreen's hands. Maybe it really was time for him to try depending on others. Not just one person, and not his babies. He wasn't sure if it would work, but it was worth a shot. He wanted this all to work out, and Lucy was giving him an opening to start putting more of his trust in his team. He hadn't known that Freed and Evergreen made sure he was taken care of, and it made him wonder just what else they had done that he'd never really seen before.

Slowly, a smile spread across his face, and he looked from one smiling mage to the next. "Thanks, guys," Bickslow whispered. "I'll do that…"

"Good," Lucy giggled. "Now, did you leave any room in that bottomless pit of a stomach for dessert?" The way his eyes lit up had everyone at the table laughing, Bickslow included.

* * *

**_I'm only one call away_ **   
**_I'll be there to save the day_ **   
**_Superman got nothing on me_ **   
**_I'm only one call away_ **

****


	14. Burn With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Lea Michele: Burn With You

_**We are broken, we can't fix it  
There's no cure for our condition** _

* * *

Lucy curled up on one side of the couch, tucking herself into the corner as she looked at Bickslow. Now that they were back at her apartment, they were going to talk. It was high time they had this conversation, and when she thought about it, maybe she should have at least let him tell her his side of things before. Regardless of that, it needed to happen. Bickslow had been silent during the trip from Freed's, but she didn't blame him. He had a lot on his mind, and she already knew that he was going to want to sleep once they were inside. But he also knew that they needed to talk. "So," Lucy sighed. "Are you ready to tell me?"

Bickslow shook his head, keeping his gaze on his hands while they continued wringing together. "No, but… I should."

"Yeah…"

"Where do you want me to start?" he asked, wincing when he forced himself to meet her gaze. The last thing he wanted was for Lucy to be mad at him, but he'd done just that with all the mistakes he kept making. What he hadn't been expecting was for her to move across the couch and roll up the sleeves of his thermal shirt. He shivered as her fingers danced along his track marks. No one touched his arms like this. No one was tender and caring with him. But Lucy was. She always was...

"Why so many?" she asked, tracing the dozens of marks on his forearms and between his fingers. She knew there were more on his upper arms, but she couldn't get his sleeves high enough. "What was going on?"

"I-I…" He paused and sighed. "I made sure I was sober for our date, but… I got this pill from Axel. Just to take the edge off."

"So, you were just a different kind of high?" she asked.

"No… I felt… Normal. I wasn't twitchy, or sad, or anything else. I didn't feel high at all."

She shook her head while gently grasping his hands. "But you still did drugs before our date. Even if it wasn't meth."

"Yeah," he whispered, wincing again when his hands twitched and Lucy held them in place. "I just wanted to be normal for once. And, I wanted our date to be nice… My babies were saying you wouldn't care-"

"I wouldn't have cared if you were going through withdrawal," she nodded.

"I know, but… I've never gone on a date before." He gave her a sad smile when their eyes locked. "I guess I wanted it to be like those stupid movies Ever makes me watch sometimes. That way, you could see that I wanna be a good boyfriend."

She smiled then, leaning her head on the back of the couch. "You  _are_  a good boyfriend, Bix."

' _Yeah, except that I cheated on you and tried to leave you, and I make you cry all the time… And I'm a druggie… And…'_  He sighed and mirrored the blonde, pressing his forehead to hers. "After our date, the pill wore off. I didn't wanna come back over and bother you, so I just…"

"You ended up shooting up."

He nodded. "And then, I tried so hard while you were gone with that Oracion Seis thing, and that first night, I made it with no drugs. I think…"

"Well, you did tell me you were going to sleep when I called you that night," Lucy supplied hopefully.

"Yeah," he smiled. "And I did. But, I woke up a few hours later and just… I wasn't sober the whole time you were gone, baby. I was so damn scared, and I don't even know what I was thinking most of the time."

Her grip on his hands tightened slightly before Lucy pulled away to grab the card Cana had given her from the coffee table. The one with the picture of Bickslow in the club. "And that brings us to that…  _That_ night."

"Yeah…"

"So, tell me what happened." She had to make sure her voice stayed even. It hurt like hell that he'd done it, that he'd cheated on her and kissed another woman, but she had promised herself that she would hear him out. No matter how much it hurt, she was going to listen to Bickslow's side of the story.

"I went to that club. I don't even remember which one it was…"

"Pixie Nights," Lucy answered.

"Right," he nodded. "And I met up with Mittens and a couple other guys from Bluelight. Everyone had chicks all over them, but…" He sighed and shook his head. "I told them that I had a girlfriend, and that I wasn't gonna mess it up by getting all crazy with some sluts."

Lucy's brow furrowed as his eyes closed, and she looked back down to the picture. "Then what?"

"So, Mittens brought out some coke. We were drinking, just doing our thing, and… I-I don't know what happened…"

"I'm gonna need more than that, Bix."

He shook his head, clenching his hands and tucking them under his arms. "I just mean, I was partying one minute, then the next I was kissing someone. And, in my head, it was you. I-I missed you so much, baby."

"So, who is she?" Lucy asked, carefully flipping the picture over to show Bickslow just what he'd done that night. "Cana heard some people talking, and they were all saying that you two were hooking up again."

Bickslow forced his slightly blurry eyes to focus, then felt his stomach drop when he saw the cotton candy pink hair on the woman in his lap. Her bony arms, slim body, and the patch of skin on her shoulder that was once a tattoo of his name that had gotten infected when she started shooting up right into the healing skin - now it was just a blown-out blur of bluish-black ink. "Fuck… Not her…"

"Who is she, Bix?"

Bickslow rubbed his hands over his face. "Fuckin' Philly… I told her I didn't wanna see her again."

* * *

_**Desperate eyes are staring at me  
Should be hopeless but we're happy** _

* * *

"You mean the tweaker girl you told me about?" she whispered. That jealousy she'd been fighting earlier that day came right back around. So this was the girl that Bickslow had been talking about. Looking at the picture again, even though Lucy couldn't see her face, she could see just how different Felicia was from herself. Pink hair to her blonde, rail-thin limbs to her own that were slightly muscular and slightly pudgy (as far as she was concerned), no chest to her overly large breasts. She and Felicia couldn't have been more different, but it hurt all the more that Bickslow had been kissing someone he'd been with before. Somehow, she knew it wouldn't have been as bad if it was just some random woman.

"Yeah," he groaned, pressing his palms into his eyes. "Fuck. Close your eyes, okay?"

"Is it happening again?" Lucy asked, closing her eyes just as he'd asked.

"Not yet, but I feel like it might…" He sighed and found himself looking at her face. Now that she couldn't see him, he could really take a moment to just look at the blonde. The pain he'd caused her had been visible before, but it was even apparent now that he'd told her just who it was he'd kissed. Bickslow hadn't been able to remember who it was that night, just that when the woman in his lap was yelling at Cana, he'd realized it wasn't Lucy. "I ran out after Cana showed up," he whispered remorsefully, watching as her brow pinched together and her lips tightened. "I swear, Lucy. I didn't know it was her."

"No matter who it was, you still did it, Bix…"

"But it's worse  _because_  it was her, right?"

Lucy hesitated, then nodded slowly. "When was the last time you saw her?"

He looked down to where her hands were, then gently laced their fingers together. "Six months, I think. Last time I saw her, I was staying with Laxus. He beat the shit out of her and said if she ever came around again, he'd kill her."

"Seriously?"

"Yep. She'd come by, get me to sneak out and shoot up… It's why we even hooked up in the first place."

"Because you were getting high with her…"

"I really don't wanna lose you, Lucy," he whispered. "I know I fucked up, and there's nothing I can do to even begin to make up for it, but I wanna try." He let out a shaky breath as a single twitch in his hands travelled up the length of both arms. "Whatever you want, I'll do it."

"Bix," she sighed. "That's not-"

"No, I mean it. Whatever you want. I'll get clean. I'll try harder to do it. Dates, or just spending time together, or anything else. Just… If you tell me what to do, then I'll do it."

"But that's  _not_  what I want," she said, opening her eyes again to look at him. "Yeah, it sucks that you made out with someone you've been with before, but… I don't know… I just want to move past it, I guess."

"R-Really?" he asked, his eyes widening slightly. Honestly, he'd been ready to crawl on his hands and knees, naked, around the guild with a sign hanging on his ass that read, 'I'm a fucking moron for cheating on Lucy Heartfilia'. Or anything else the blonde wanted. But just moving past it? That was what he really wanted, and the fact that it was something Lucy was actually offering had his ass over the moon.

"Yeah," she whispered. "I just have to know that I can trust you."

"You can," he answered instantly.

"And, the next time I leave on a mission… No matter what it is…" Lucy nibbled her lip while looking down at their joined hands. "You won't just go out and hook up with-"

"No!"

Lucy paused and blinked in surprise, staring up into Bickslow's saddened eyes. "Bix…"

* * *

_**It's not perfect here between us  
Even angels have their demons** _

* * *

"I didn't mean to upset you," he said in earnest, his voice quivering slightly. "I wish I'd never fucked up, but that's all I ever do. I'm trying though. I-I keep trying, and it's so fucking hard that I just wanna give up every day. But, I won't cheat on you. Never again. Kissing her didn't mean a damn thing to me, because once I realized it wasn't you, I um…" He winced then. "I actually may have puked all over the alley…"

Lucy drew back and frowned. "Huh?"

"I don't wanna kiss anyone but you, Lucy," he whispered. "I know when I'm high, I get all grabby and shit, but… I think cheating is fucking disgusting. Like, really disgusting. Realizing that I did that to you, when all I wanted was for you to come home safe like you promised… I felt so damn sick. And it just made everything worse."

"Worse, how?"

"I couldn't stop myself from shooting up. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I knew… I just  _knew_  you'd leave me once I told you what happened."

"So why didn't you just tell me that night?" she asked, her voice hardly more than a whisper. "I called you that night,  _after_  you left the club. You should have just told me then, instead of saying that you missed me. Even when I asked how you were holding up, and… You were so sweet, Bix…"

" _I bet you're kickin' ass out there, baby," Bickslow grinned. "Just be careful though. Come home safe, and I can be Doctor Bickslow. Breakfast in bed, the works."_

_Lucy giggled, a soft blush dusting her cheeks. "Really? All for little ol' me?"_

" _Anything for you, Lucy."_

"You really think I would have told you like that?" he asked with a frown. "Cosplayer, c'mon. I wasn't gonna do that to you. You needed to keep your head in the game, and what I did… You thinking about that could've gotten you killed…"

"And…" Lucy paused and nibbled her lip as Bickslow shuddered, the muscles along his arms rippling while he tried to hold his withdrawal symptoms at bay. "Y-You don't… You don't want to be with her? If she comes back around…" When Bickslow's jaw dropped open, her eyes darted down to the picture that had fallen to the couch between them. "Laxus isn't here to scare her off, and…"

"Lucy…"

"Well, she's skinnier than I am," she continued. "And you've had sex. And, well… We don't. I-I mean, maybe it's just-"

"Lucy," he whispered, a concerned frown turning down his lips. "Baby, I don't wanna be with her. She can't even hold a damn candle to you. Where the hell is this coming from?"

"I don't know," she sighed, shifting uncomfortably under the weight of his gaze. "I just… I mean, look at her. And, she's the one you were with before, so-"

"Baby, stop." He'd never thought Lucy, of all people would really be self-conscious. Or that she would honestly try comparing herself to a damn tweaker of all people. There was no comparison in his eyes. But seeing her right then, that she was opening herself up and really letting him see that this was a big deal to her, it made Bickslow realize that he needed to put those thoughts to rest for the blonde. "Just stop right there. Felicia is a piece of shit that's only ever used me. We got high together, we fucked, but it was never about anything more than that. You want better for me. You wanna help me get clean, and that's what I've always wanted.  _Always_ …"

Lucy sniffled quietly when she felt a small bit of pressure under her chin as Bickslow's trembling fingers forced her to meet his gaze.

"You're beautiful, baby," he grinned, looking into her light honey eyes that shined with tears. "You're so damn beautiful, and there's no way she even comes close. I don't like skinny chicks. Well, I do, but not like her." When he noticed the small quiver in her lips, he sighed and tenderly kissed the blonde. "I like… No, I  _love_  the way you look. There's nothing wrong with you. She looks like that because she doesn't take care of herself. But you? God, you have no idea how often I think about you."

Lucy sniffled as he kissed her again, with only his lips moving slowly over hers. "Bix," she sighed, blushing as his fingers dove into her hair to pull her just a little closer.

"You're perfect, baby," Bickslow whispered against her lips. "High or not, I know I've got the most beautiful girlfriend in the world. Never forget that, okay?"

Lucy nodded, a small smile on her lips as they kissed again.

"And if you do," he smirked, pulling back just enough to brush his nose over hers, "Then I'll remind you every day." He was never going to let Lucy forget something like that. He'd known she was beautiful since the first time he saw her. Really, when he thought back on it, he'd been pretty damn awestruck at the sight of the blonde. The first time he saw Lucy in the guild, he'd been high as hell and hadn't slept in about four days, but her bright smile and just how gorgeous she was had made him pause. "No matter what, I'll make sure you remember."

"Bix," she giggled. "Hush."

"Uh-uh," he grinned, nipping lightly at her lips as his arms wound around her and his hands clasped behind her back. "You're my sexy, stunning, drop-dead gorgeous Cosplayer. Smart and funny, and so damn sweet." He paused and kissed her again. "Soul-sucking kisses," he chuckled. "Oh, and perfect. I can't emphasize that one enough."

"Stop that," she laughed, her blush deepening.

"No way." He shifted Popo into the card that held the picture of him and Felicia, then lifted it into the air to show it to her. "This," he said, keeping his gaze trained on her smiling face, "Isn't what I want. Looking at her when I'm sober, it's fucking gross. But  _you_ …"

Lucy watched Bickslow pluck the card out of the air and toss it to the ground, then turned back to look at him. "Me?"

A shy smile crossed his face, a blush that he would never admit to having settling itself across his cheeks. "Sober, high… It doesn't matter. You're  _always_  beautiful. Especially when you wake up."

"Oh god… No..."

"Yep," he chuckled, returning to their previous position with his hands behind her back. "When you're just stumbling around, and your hair's a mess. And those cute little smiles you do when you're eating cereal and you get a mouthful of marshmallows…"

"You're a total sweetheart, Bixy," she giggled. Slowly, her hands lifted and clasped behind his neck. She brought his head down, a quiet moan leaving her as their lips met again. "I'll forgive you this time," she whispered. "Don't make me regret it, okay?"

"Never again, baby." He was never going to make that same mistake again. Even if it meant locking his ass in a basement any time Lucy left on a mission, just to make sure he couldn't go out and be a dumbass. He didn't want to lose Lucy, and he knew right then, as he simply held the blonde and kissed her slowly, tenderly, with only their lips meeting, that it was about more than her simply being there for him. He cared about Lucy, to some extent. Just how much, he didn't know, but what the Seith mage  _did_ know was that she was more than just a crutch for him.  _'I don't wanna lose her…'_

* * *

_**Trapped inside this twisted circle  
It ain't right but it's eternal** _

* * *

The pair sat on Lucy's couch in silence for several minutes, with the Seith mage closing his eyes and trying to combat the worst of his withdrawal. He felt horrendous. More than exhausted, but his skin was crawling so badly that he was considering just ripping the shit off. Every twitch of his hands, every time he shuddered, it made him remember just why he stayed high as long as he could without going insane from sleep deprivation. He really couldn't handle this, and the only thing that was stopping him from actually scratching himself right then was that Lucy was still there. She was still holding him.

She could only do so much though. "Fuck," he whimpered, letting out a shaky breath and swallowing the sudden dryness that took residence in his mouth.

"Are you alright?" Lucy whispered tenderly.

"N-No," he sighed. He really wasn't. The only saving grace at that point was that his eyes hadn't gone out of control since the night before. He'd felt like they might a couple times, and Lucy had closed her eyes whenever he asked her to, but it never happened. So, either he was really paying more attention to the signs, or he was being paranoid. His hand shot up to his chest without him realizing, and he hissed when his nails dug into the scratches that were already on him, hiding beneath his shirt. "Baby, I…"

Lucy frowned at the pained look on Bickslow's face, the torment sitting so openly in his eyes as he looked at her. Slowly, she pulled his hand away, then blinked when he shuddered violently. "Bix, what can I do to help?"

"I-I don't know. Maybe… Fuck, I'm so itchy!"

She watched as he pulled back and tucked his hands between his legs, biting his lips and clamping his eyes shut. "Do you need some gum?"

Bickslow shook his head quickly. He was more concerned with his skin right then than trying not to grind his teeth. "Lotion, maybe? Maybe that'll help…"

Her brow furrowed, but Lucy nodded as she stood from the couch. "Yeah, come with me, hun." She grabbed his hands and led him to her bedroom, then pulled the tense Seith mage over to her bed and had him sit down. "Take off your shirt, okay? I'll go grab some lotion."

Bickslow all but ripped the fabric from himself, tossing the shirt off to the side. Part of him thought that maybe it was just rubbing his skin the wrong way.  _'I do tend to just get naked when I'm coming down…'_  It was always that way, with the exceptions of when he was with Lucy as of late. It helped him figure out whether or not his clothes were irritating his skin, or if it was just his withdrawal.

Lucy paused with the lotion in her hand while she took in the battered body of her boyfriend. The bruises covering his ribs, the track marks running down his arms, and the scratches on his chest. His hand shot up and scratched at the light scabbing in the same pattern, the same direction.

Bickslow's eyes snapped open when he felt Lucy's dainty hands carefully pulling his hand away from his chest. "Sorry, baby," he sighed as she moved to kneel on the bed next to him. "I-"

"Don't worry about it, Bix," she smiled. She leaned forward and glanced at his back, and didn't see any marks. Meaning only his chest and arms were really bothering him right then. "Okay. I want you to lay down and get comfy, alright?"

Bickslow winced and hesitated, chewing his cheek as he looked up into her deep mocha eyes. Just how someone could get so much damn emotion into their eyes was beyond him sometimes, but it was definitely something he'd needed. He had learned the hard way over the years that when he messed something up, people were bound to get pissed. But, even when Lucy was mad at him, she still tried to understand. She still tried to help him. Okay, aside from her slapping the shit out of him the night before when she found out he was at Freed's, but that was pretty warranted, as far as he was concerned. After another moment, and an encouraging smile from the blonde, Bickslow laid himself down on the bed with his head resting on the pillow.

"Are your legs itchy, too?"

"Not this time," he sighed. A soft hiss slithered out from between his lips as she pressed a cotton ball to the scratches he'd opened up. "What the hell?"

She giggled quietly. "I'm just cleaning this up a little bit, Bix. We don't want anything getting infected."

"Do, um… Would you do my arms, too?" he whispered. "Please?"

Lucy's eyes softened as she looked down at him, at the timid expression on his face, and how he seemed to have forced himself to even get that much out. Maybe he really wasn't good at asking for help. It seemed like the only time he really asked for her help was when he was desperate, at his wit's end, or when his babies forced him to. Even though he wasn't asking her to help him stay sober right then, he was still admitting that he needed her help with something. Just something small, like cleaning up his own self-inflicted wounds. As far as she was concerned, it was progress.  _'Baby steps...'_

Bickslow frowned as Lucy withdrew a large bottle out of a bag, that he hadn't noticed at her side, after she was done cleaning his chest and arms. She unscrewed the cap and pulled out what looked like a long, thin paintbrush. "What's that for?"

"Well," Lucy giggled, "If I put bandages on you right now, you'll look like a mummy." She started carefully brushing a clear gel over the scratch marks on his chest. "Plus, I won't be able to put lotion on your arms if there are bandages in the way."

"Okay…?"

"This stuff," she continued, lightly brushing a small bit of the gel over each of the pinpricked scabs on his arms, "Is like a waterproof bandage. It keeps dirt and everything out, and just slowly dissolves over a couple days."

His lips turned down into a deeper frown as he looked at his arm. Every mark he'd left on himself over the past two weeks was visible, right there. The stuff didn't cover it up. Well, it didn't try conceal it. At least, now, he didn't need to worry about the shit getting infected. Besides, having that many bandaids on his arms alone was going to drive him crazy. Much crazier than he already was.

A soft smile graced Lucy's face when she picked up the lotion and put some into her palm. While she rubbed her hands together to warm it up a little bit, she moved to straddle Bickslow's hips and watches as his cheeks turned a bright red.

"C-Cosplayer?"

* * *

__**There's a white light  
And it's calling me  
And it's promising ecstasy**

* * *

She couldn't help but laugh at the utterly shocked look on his face. How he kept looking from where she was sitting, then up to her face, and back. Over and over. "It's easier this way. No worries," she laughed. "I'm not planning on taking advantage of you." The fact that his blush intensified until his ears were also a very vibrant red only had her laughing harder . "Bixy, you're adorable!"

Never, in all his life, had Bickslow been called adorable. But right then? He couldn't help but chuckle a little bit. It wasn't really a word he would have associated with himself, but just seeing Lucy smile, and knowing that she liked the fact that his face was on fire, made him oddly okay with it.

His skin was still crawling, and he was tightly gripping the sheets beneath him as her hands lowered to his shoulders. All he could do was try and focus on her hands instead of everything else. It was more than arousing, having Lucy sitting the way she was and rubbing her hands all over him, but he really wasn't in any place to get turned on. His focus was elsewhere. Then again, because he wasn't paying attention to anything, and because his eyes had closed while he tried to just focus on her hands moving over his chest, he didn't see the way she blushed as his member twitched to life of its own accord.

Was Lucy going to mention the bulge in his pants? Nope. She wasn't. She also wasn't going to bring up the fact that she was just realizing how stupid her idea of sitting on his crotch really was. Besides, she was getting a chance to run her hands all over the Seith mage. Over his bruised skin and way too fucking delicious muscles. The same muscles he always hid under all those layers of clothing. Really, it just wasn't fair, but she wasn't going to complain about that in the slightest.

As she moved down to his stomach, adding more lotion and running her fingers lightly over his abs, she smiled down at the tattoo that surrounded his navel. "Y'know," Lucy whispered, "You never told me about this tattoo you got."

His eyes creaked open, and Bickslow let out a slow breath while he smiled up at her. This lotion idea of his had been a brilliant one. He was more relaxed now. Yeah, his hands were still twitching, occasionally unclenching and clenching again, but the tensed muscles in his torso were slowly finding their way back to utter relaxation. "I got it that night we had to go get my babies," he said. "Before I called you…"

Lucy and Bickslow smiled as the five little totems flew into the room and settled themselves on the window sill next to the bed. When he felt her tracing each of the little totems that were tattooed on his stomach, he looked down and chuckled. "I never really planned on getting another tattoo, but… At least I went to the guy that did my last one. He runs a clean shop, and he remembered me so I got a pretty good deal."

"Another tattoo?" Lucy asked, looking back up into his tired eyes. "I didn't realize you had one before…"

Bickslow chuckled and lifted one shaking hand to point at his face. "Right after I joined the guild, after Laxus and I had been friends for a couple weeks, I was… Well, I was high as hell and we went to get tattoos. He got one on his chest around his guild mark, and I got this one."

Lucy shook her head while she took in the little person-shaped, deep blue mark that sat in the center of his face. She'd never really given it much thought before, and she tended to forget that it was even there. "I just thought that was part of your magic," she admitted. She really had, too. The idea of it being a tattoo had never crossed her mind, because Lucy honestly couldn't imagine any reason for someone to get a tattoo in the middle of their face. Then again, if Bickslow was high when he did it, that was really all the reason the Seith mage would have needed.

"Nah," he chuckled. His hand lowered to the bed again, and instead of his fingers curling into the sheets, he shifted so his hands were lightly resting on her knees. "Most people think that, though. I don't really mind either way, since it's not like people see my face that often."

She leaned forward and kissed the tattooed skin between his eyebrows, giggling when he crossed his eyes to watch what she was doing. "Well, I like it." Bickslow blushed again, and she let out a quiet laugh as she sat back up and started tracing the totems around his belly button again. "What are you gonna do if you get another baby?"

Bickslow sighed in contentment as Lucy put lotion on her hands again and started massaging his neck and shoulders. Just when he would have started scratching again. "I'll just have to add to it," he answered, turning his head to look at the totems on the sill. "Can't have any of my babies feeling left out."

"New babies! New babies!" the totems giggled. They had been relatively silent since leaving Freed's earlier, but that was because the little souls had come to an agreement.

Bickslow and Lucy needed to talk, and that meant that they really didn't need to put in their own two cents. Or ten cents, more accurately. Bickslow hadn't been asking for their advice, and was instead solely focused on telling Lucy the truth and hoping she was really going to forgive him. That she would understand he wouldn't do that to her intentionally. And the fact that he was really trying to do right by the blonde made each of the five souls more and more proud of him.

They weren't going to interfere right then, just like they hadn't a little while earlier when the two had been making out and Lucy had nearly crawled on top of the Seith mage. But now, she was quite literally on top of the Bickslow, and the two were just being normal. Just having a conversation. This was what they'd wanted for him to begin with. What they knew Lucy wanted for him too. He was smiling, and laughing, and just enjoying himself. Without drugs. That's what they all wanted for Bickslow from the very beginning.

"But, the babies weren't with you that night," Lucy said. "How did he get them to look so perfect?"

Bickslow grinned and planted his feet on the bed, then lifted his hips - and the blonde who was perched on them - into the air to get his wallet out of his back pocket.

"Bickslow!" Lucy laughed, placing her hands on his chest to steady herself. She was going to keep the sudden spike of arousal that washed over her from feeling him pushing up beneath her to herself. No one needed to know that she would most likely be spending a little time by herself with that mental picture later on.

Slowly, his hips lowered to the bed again, and he chuckled at the slightly flustered looking blonde while opening his wallet. "That picture we took a few days before is in here," he whispered. "Remember? You made sure my babies were in it."

Lucy smiled down at the picture when Bickslow turned his wallet to face her. "Yeah, I remember," she whispered back. "You felt horrible since you were coming down, and you laid on my couch and watched a movie with me." Her finger traced over the image of an utterly exhausted Bickslow giving the camera a smile, with his head lying on her shoulder and no visor. Down to the totems that were nestled on her chest and his shoulders. "It was the first time I really saw who you were."

"You mean a grumpy asshole?" Bickslow chuckled.

"No, I mean  _you_ ," she giggled, turning the wallet to face him. "Without all the hyperactive stuff from the drugs. Or you being a super perv. Or a big ball of energy with your tongue hanging all over the place. Just you."

"Yeah, but I felt like fucking dying..."

"Sure, but you were still a sweetheart." A soft smile pulled up the corners of her lips while she looked into his eyes. "Seeing you like that, the real you even though you just wanted to curl up into a ball and die... And how nice your smile is... That's the day I decided I wanted to go out with you."

* * *

_**But I don't wanna go to heaven  
If you're going to hell** _

* * *

Lucy had thought about it since the whole cheating thing happened. She'd been reevaluating her relationship with the Seith mage, trying to decide whether or not she really should put herself back in the position of being hurt. Whether it was worth it to forgive him and stay in a relationship. And she came to the realization that she'd always had feelings for him. It had been about more than just wanting to help nakama from the beginning. She didn't realize it when she found him in that alley, or when she was sitting with him in the hospital while he was in a coma, but now the blonde knew. She'd had a crush on the Seith mage since they'd met.

Bickslow's eyes went wide, and he blinked in surprise. "That was only a couple weeks after we started talking..."

"Yeah, well..." Lucy blushed. "You're really cute when you're sleeping. I got to watch you doing it that whole week you were in the hospital, remember?"

"You're kinda creepy sometimes, Cosplayer," he chuckled. "Watching me sleep when you didn't even know me."

"I would've done the whole stalker sniff thing, too," Lucy winked as she put his wallet on the bed, "But your hair was greasy."

"Well, darn," Bickslow laughed, his tongue lolling from his mouth while he looked up at the giggling blonde. "I would have liked waking up to that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he whispered, throwing her a much more subdued smile. "I mean, who  _wouldn't_  want a pretty girl like you doing that?"

A gentle flush crossed her cheeks while she started putting lotion on his arms. "How are you feeling?"

"Marginally better than I did in that picture," he winced. "Feels like there's bugs under my skin..."

Lucy smiled down at Bickslow when his eyes closed again, letting her hands lightly trail over his arms and down to his hands. She had to force herself to ignore the strange spots where she'd put the liquid bandage over his many track marks, but the way his lips quirked up with the gentlest smile she'd ever seen had her eyes misting with tears.

They were silent after that, with Lucy adding just a little more lotion to her fingers as she gently rubbed them over his cheeks. Up to his forehead. After giving the Seith mage a good once over, she smiled and set the bottle of lotion in her bag, then carefully placed it on the floor. "All done, Bickslow," she whispered. "Feeling a little better?"

The quiet snore that rumbled in the back of Bickslow's throat had the five totems giggling softly. And their laughter only increased when the Seith mage rolled onto his side and took Lucy down to the bed to lie next to him.

"He fell asleep?" she whispered, craning her neck to look at the little souls.

"Bickslow doesn't sleep often," Papa answered. "Those drugs end up keeping him awake for days, and when he's like this..."

"He's usually too busy trying not to scratch himself raw to fall asleep," Pupu finished.

"We've had to catch him a couple times when he passed out from exhaustion," Pepe continued.

"Cosplayer made him relax," Pipi giggled. "So he fell asleep."

"He really does care about you, Cosplayer," Popo whispered sadly. "He's been crying ever since... He felt so bad..."

* * *

_**I will burn with you  
I will burn with you** _

* * *

Lucy sighed and looked back at Bickslow's relaxed face. It was still so strange to see him sleeping, how calm and comfortable he looked. She knew that he was having a hard time right then, at least when he was awake, and it had taken everything in her to keep her mouth shut about his addiction while they were still at Freed's.

She was able to feel just how badly he had tensed up until they left. When they were in the room they'd slept in, packing up Bickslow's belongings so he could come over to her apartment and they could talk, Bickslow had quite literally collapsed onto the bed after locking the door and just started shaking uncontrollably. Apparently, keeping himself as still as he'd been was more taxing than she'd realized.

#

" _Shit, Bix," Lucy hissed, rushing over to the bed. "Are you okay?"_

" _I think I'm gonna be sick…"_

" _You shouldn't have eaten so much," she sighed._

" _N-No, I…" He whimpered and curled in on himself. "H-Hold me?"_

_Lucy frowned, but curled around him from behind. Her fingers gently laced with his, and she sighed as he pulled her arm more tightly over him. "Bix…" She felt every twitch, each violent shudder that wracked his body._

_Bickslow pushed his free hand into his hair, tightly gripping it as his eyes clamped shut. "Fuck, I hate this."_

" _Bix, what's happening?"_

" _J-Just… Fuck… I think I'm gonna puke… My stomach's rolling…"_

" _Shh," Lucy whispered. Between one second and the next, she was pushing her hand under his light blue thermal and rubbing gentle circles over his stomach. "Just relax, okay? I've gotcha."_

" _God, that feels good…"_

_She smiled then, hearing the relief in his voice in an instant. "I'll take care of you. Just relax."_

#

It was already well after ten at night, and while Lucy knew she should have just gone to bed with Bickslow sleeping there, she couldn't. She was too curious about what had been going on for the Seith mage in the last few days. Aside from the fact that Loke and Gray had beaten the hell out of him - which, she remembered that she would need to give those two quite the talking to about that - it was obvious in the totems' voices that he'd really been beside himself over what happened. "He was shooting up a lot because of all of this, wasn't he…"

"Yeah," the totems whispered.

"Not as much as he usually does at one time, though," Pepe added.

"What was he doing it for then..."

"He was upset with what happened," Papa said. "He just sat in the park afterwards. It wasn't enough to really do much for him the last time."

"Then why would he do it?" she asked sadly.

"It made things hurt less," Pipi sighed.

"Yeah, especially after Loke and Gray went after him..." Pupu grumbled. "Two on one... And he told us to stay out of it..."

"Like he didn't feel bad enough," Popo huffed. "They just made it worse..."

"Why would he do something like that?" Lucy whispered with a frown. "The two of them ganging up on him? That's not right…"

"Well, after they walked off he just…" Pepe trailed off, then Papa jumped in.

"Bickslow got himself cleaned up and went back to… the woods, I guess. We were in his pockets, so we couldn't really see where he was going."

"But we heard that he was going to Laxus' house," Pipi interjected.

"Laxus' house?" Lucy asked. "Why there?"

"It comforts him, sometimes," Papa sighed. "When things are at their worst, Bickslow tends to go wherever he feels safe. Laxus has been that safe haven for him for years, now. And the house out in the woods… It's where Bickslow would stay whenever he needed somewhere to go."

Lucy nodded, sadness filling her eyes as she looked at the sleeping mage. Maybe there was more to Bickslow's past with Laxus than she'd thought. She really didn't know anything about the Seith mage, aside from the little tidbits he'd told her, and what she heard from their guild mates or the babies. But nothing was about his past. "Babies, what was he like before he started using?"

The totems stayed silent until the blonde turned to look at them, then Papa floated down to hover over her. "The others don't know what he was like before. I'm the first soul he found."

"What was he like?" she whispered, rolling over to lie with her back to Bickslow. A sad smile twitched just beneath her lips as the sleeping mage sighed and wrapped his arm around her, scooting closer until he was pressed flush against her back with his nose in her hair. Another soft sigh, and a contented mumble, and he was finally still.

"Bickslow was a quiet boy," Papa sighed as he settled himself on the pillow. "He usually didn't talk at all, unless it was necessary. He was very smart though, and when he was in school, he was at the top of his class. He found me when he was only six."

He could remember the day Bickslow had stumbled on his soul so well, just like the others remembered when they'd been found and brought into the Seith mage's family. For Papa, though, it was more special. He was the first one found, and he and Bickslow had been together for so long. Most times, he felt like it fell to him to be the father figure that the poor boy he'd met never had, but always needed. It was just too bad that he hadn't realized sooner just how quickly things were going to change.

"His parents though…" Papa continued. "They shouldn't have been allowed to keep custody of him. Bickslow was taken away from them twice. Once when he was seven, when his teachers found out that he was sleeping outside after he came in wearing dirty clothes... His parents kicked him out of the house, made him stay in the yard. He didn't even have anything to cover himself, except for the blanket he took with him, a teddy bear, and his backpack. They had decided to use his room for his mother to service her clients."

"Clients?" Lucy whispered with a frown. Surely, Papa couldn't be talking about the first thing that popped into her head. That Bickslow's mother was a...

"She was a prostitute. Even before she had Bickslow, from what I could tell," Papa said sadly. "His father - or the man that Bickslow  _called_ his father, at least - was a drug dealer. He supplied Bickslow's mother and her clients, ran the entire operation himself. Whatever drug he chose for that time, he would grow it or make it, then package and sell it."

Lucy's eyes widened, her breath halting in her throat. "I can see why he was taken away. So, why did they get him back?"

"Bickslow told the social worker that he was camping. He said his parents told him it was okay, and the reason he went to school with dirty clothes was because he woke up late," Papa said. "He lied to them, because he wanted to go back home."

#

" _Bickslow, just tell them the truth," Papa silently whispered to the young boy._

" _If I get taken away again, then I wanna be able to take some stuff with me," Bickslow replied with a sad smile. "I don't have much, Papa. But I missed Teddy…"_

" _Bickslow, this isn't right. You shouldn't be forced to go back there. Just tell them."_

" _I love my mom, Papa. I don't wanna leave her all alone with Dad."_

" _She doesn't seem to care much about you either way, Bickslow," Papa sighed, watching as the boy's face fell and tears welled in his eyes. "I just mean that, she's always yelling at you. Blaming you for things. You go hungry there more often than not. You shouldn't be forced to live like this."_

" _Well, I still love my mom," he huffed, roughly swiping at his cheeks. "Even if she doesn't love me. Even if she hates my guts. I still love her. I-I…" Bickslow sniffled quietly while he hefted his mostly empty backpack higher. "I know she says I was a mistake, and… But I don't have anyone else, Papa…"_

" _Bickslow," the soul sighed. "You have me. You will always have me, my boy…"_

#

"They never investigated his parents though," Papa sighed. He watched as tears filled the blonde's eyes, and if he could have, he would have smiled when she looked down to the scarred arm that was draped over her before lacing her fingers with Bickslow's and pulling their joined hands to her chest. Just a silent form of comfort for the unconscious man, and for herself.

"The authorities were called one night," Papa continued. "When Bickslow was twelve. His father had beaten one of his mother's clients for trying to skimp out on paying after he was done. The client tried to file assault charges, but Bickslow's parents said that he broke in and raped her. They took Bickslow away and put him in foster care until the case was settled, then they sent him right back when the client was locked in prison for rape."

Lucy wiped a stray tear away and cuddled closer to Bickslow. She never would have guessed that he'd had such a hard life growing up. She really didn't know what to expect, but this definitely wasn't it. "Why didn't he tell anyone what was going on?"

"Because he loved his parents," Papa said sadly. "I told him that he should tell the police the truth. Or the social workers. But he didn't want to listen to me. He loved them, even though he knew his parents didn't love him back."

#

" _You stupid little fuck! You spilled my beer!"_

_A loud cry echoed through the living room as Bickslow was slapped, falling to the floor. "I-I'm sorry, Dad! I didn't mean to!"_

" _This whole stash is fucking ruined! Six fucking kilos of green down the goddamn drain! You…"_

" _I-I'm sorry!" Bickslow cried, scrambling from the floor and dashing out of the room._

" _Yeah, you better fuckin' run! You come back in here and I'll fuckin' kill you!"_

_Bickslow slammed the front door as he heard his mother laughing, the sight of her lounging on the couch in nothing more than a sheer, silver robe as she took another drag of her joint the last thing he saw before he was outside. He rushed over the patchy grass, his bare feet instantly chilled in the late December air. Around the corner of the house, to the small space he slept in between the two steel trash bins._

" _Bickslow, it's alright," Papa whispered gently._

_The boy nodded, wrapping his thin blanket around himself and holding tightly to the dirty bear he couldn't get rid of, with its missing eyes and the stuffing peeking out of one leg. "I-I didn't mean to," he whimpered. "I didn't… I'm just so hungry…"_

" _I know. But, I think you should tell someone what's going on."_

" _I can't…"_

" _You can," Papa insisted. "They'll take you away from here, and you'll be able to sleep in a bed for a change. You'll be happy, Bickslow. Foster care isn't that bad."_

" _B-But… No one will believe me…"_

" _We'll make them believe, Bickslow. I'll be right there with you the whole time."_

#

"A year later, Bickslow was hospitalized," Papa continued. "He broke down at school and told his teacher what was going on after he found his dad beating his mother with a hot frying pan for burning his pancakes. He tried to have me talk to her, so that he had proof... But, his magic was still developing. No one could hear me except for him, and he wasn't strong enough to give me the ability to move around freely. They took the teddy bear I was in away when the social worker came to pick him up, but he put me in a key that was in his pocket. At the hospital, I was put in the strait jacket they bound him in..."

"They put him in a... Oh my god... He was just a little boy though... Did they think he was dangerous?"

"They didn't know what to think... And his parents didn't try to stop them from locking him up. No one even tried talking to his parents to see if he was telling the truth. They just assumed he was crazy."

"That's awful..."

"Bickslow was kept in an insane asylum for two years, Lucy. They did horrible things to him there… Experiments with new treatment… It was torture. When they let him out, it was only after he lied and said he couldn't hear me anymore. I stayed silent, just in case his magic had developed enough for them to hear me, and his father picked him up."

"Why didn't he say it was his magic though? Someone could have looked into it..."

"Bickslow is from Pergrande. Magic is banned there, and has been for quite some time. When he found me, and helped me, we agreed that I would stay hidden until he was old enough to move away where he could use his magic safely. He took a very large risk trying to get his teacher to hear me, but he would have been executed if it had worked."

"But... He was just a child..."

"That didn't matter to the king. All magic was viewed as evil by the monarchy. Seith magic, in particular, has always carried that stigma, so it would have been much worse had he been discovered." What most people, Bickslow included, seemed to forget was the origin of Seith magic. That it wasn't evil or vile or anything else. Seith mages were healers. They always had been.

Lucy shook her head and sighed when Bickslow mumbled and squeezed her slightly.

"When Bickslow went back home, it was just before his fifteenth birthday. He was excited to be back with his parents, even though they hadn't come to visit him once while he was locked away. What he found though..."

#

" _Are you sure you want to go back to that place, Bickslow?" Papa silently whispered, sighing when the teen ignored him._

" _Dad, where's Mom at? I figured she would've wanted to come get me."_

" _Don't worry about it, brat," his father gruffed. "I wouldn't even be here if I wasn't required to by law."_

_Bickslow's smile faded as he looked back down to the ground. "Oh," he whispered._

" _You're not still a psycho are you? 'Cause I'm not dealing with your bullshit."_

" _I wasn't crazy at all…"_

" _Well, hearing voices and lying to the fucking cops… I'd say that makes you crazy, ya little narc."_

" _I-I…" Bickslow blinked back his tears, wrapping his arms around himself. "I'm not crazy, Dad."_

" _Isn't that what crazy people say?" he laughed._

" _I-I'm not…"_

" _Bickslow," Papa whispered silently. "Don't listen to him. He's just being an asshole. I know you're not crazy."_

' _But, what if they made me crazy in there?' Bickslow wondered. 'What they did to me…'_

" _Don't think about that, my boy," Papa said. "Think about happy things…"_

#

"His mother was dead. His father started using her to test out new mixes of whatever he was dealing, and he ended up killing her when he gave her too much at once. Bickslow was distraught. The medication they had put him on while in the hospital had messed with him already. He was perfectly normal before, but they kept pumping him full of anti-psychotics until he was nearly always comatose. He became extremely depressed, nearly suicidal, and then it happened..."

"Wh-What happened?" Lucy whispered.

"His father had changed products again. It was what killed his mother a week before Bickslow was released," Papa said. "He tied Bickslow down and injected him with a small dose. When it didn't do anything, he did it again. And again. Bickslow passed out, and he was left in the chair until he woke up three days later from his father throwing a bucket of ice water on him…"

#

" _Wake up, dumbass! I figured it out!"_

" _Huh? Dad?"_

_Bickslow's father lifted the needle he'd been using on himself and Bicksow over the last few days, already filled with the liquid he'd just cooked. "It's perfect! You'll see!"_

" _Dad, what are you doing?" Bickslow groaned, his eyes widening as the needle speared into his father's arm. Once the plunger descended, he watched as his father drew another bit of liquid into it and started walking toward him. "D-Dad? Wait, what is that stuff?"_

" _Oh this?" the man laughed. "Just some meth, kid. Trust me, you'll feel great!"_

_Bickslow fought against the restraints that held him to the chair as his father came closer. "Dad, no! Don't make me! I-I don't wanna do that!"_

" _Shut up and fuckin' deal with it, kid! I gotta test it on someone, and your slut of a mom died on the first fuckin' go 'round!"_

" _Dad, no! St-Stop!"_

#

"The bastard injected meth right into his neck," Papa spat.

"He... Oh my god..."

"It was the first time in years Bickslow had felt happy, in a sense," Papa said sadly. "He latched onto it, and refused to let it go. It gave him a way to bond with his father, and it made him feel like his whole world hadn't crashed and burned..."

"And there was no way for you to stop him?"

"No," Papa sighed. "I died of an overdose, but he wouldn't listen to me. That same drug is what killed me, but he was too far gone to listen to me by that point. He didn't have anything to live for, as far as he was concerned... So it didn't matter to him if it killed him. It made living more bearable for him."

"That's why it's so hard for him," Lucy mused. "He's self-medicating with it..."

"Yes," Papa answered. "What the doctors did to him in the hospital, or maybe just everything in his childhood, has caused him years of distress. After that first taste, he couldn't stop. It gives him an escape. He knows that lying is bad, and he always feels horrible when he lies to you about using. But… Throughout his childhood, the only way for him to keep himself from being hurt was to lie. And now that he's been using… He feels like he needs to lie so no one judges him. And so he won't be arrested."

Lucy looked at the other totems, sniffling and wiping her eyes with her free hand. "So, you guys never got to know him before all of this happened?"

The other four souls floated down onto the bed next to Papa. "No," Pepe whispered. "But we see what Papa talks about when he's not high…"

"You get to see what he was like before all of it when he's not messed up," Pupu sighed. "He's really different when he's clean…"

Lucy smiled at that. She loved how Bickslow acted when he was sober. Who he really was inside. "He is. He's quiet and sweet…"

* * *

_**We're not healthy, barely breathing  
But this pain keeps my heart beating** _

* * *

"And he blushes around you, Cosplayer," Pipi giggled. "He's really shy."

"Bickslow's actually super insecure, too," Popo added. "He's always asking us if he's treating you right… Or if we think you're happy with him."

Lucy frowned then. "I  _am_  happy with him. I mean, sure… I'm upset about what he did, but he still does make me happy. Especially when he's not all messed up on that garbage."

"Well, he worries about it a lot," Pupu whispered.

"With how his parents were," Papa interjected, "I'm sure that's why. He may have loved them, but the relationship they had wasn't healthy. Bickslow isn't very experienced with healthy relationships." He wasn't experienced with any relationships to be perfectly honest. The friendship he'd built with Laxus was based on his addiction, and the Lightning Slayer trying to prove something. With Lucy, Bickslow used it as a crutch, but he was at least trying to do right by the blonde.

Lucy sighed, her thoughts instantly turning to the picture of Bickslow and Felicia that Cana had given her. "He didn't lie to me, did he, babies? About Philly...

"Laxus beat her ass," Pepe said angrily. "She kept dragging Bickslow out in the middle of the night when he was trying to stop using."

"She deserved what he did," Pipi said firmly. "She almost got him killed a bunch of times. She made him go into the ring against Mittens, then doubled down  _against_  Bickslow every time. She wouldn't even help clean him up afterwards, or take him to the hospital..."

"We tried to make him stop, Cosplayer. He couldn't hear us over the music," Pupu whispered. They had tried to get Bickslow to leave the club as soon as they'd seen Felicia walking toward him. She was bad news, and they just knew that she was going to try to ruin everything for him.

Popo shook slightly at the memory of that night. "That bimbo was trying to get him to go with her again. He  _did_  say he's got a girlfriend though, and that he didn't want to mess things up with you. She was standing on the edge of the group when he talked about you. Then she just walked over and kissed him."

"Cana said he pulled her closer though…" Lucy said.

"He made a mistake, Cosplayer," Pipi replied. "He really did think it was you when they started kissing… We heard him thinking about you. He wasn't just drinking and snorting coke though. He'd already shot up a lot that night. Even without the alcohol, coke and meth makes him hallucinate. Every time."

"You're not gonna give up on him… are you?" Pupu asked sadly. "He wants to make you happy… It's just really hard for him…"

"I know it's hard for him, babies," Lucy sighed. "I'm willing to forgive him just this once for it. And, no matter what happens between us… Even if we do break up one day… I'll still be his friend, and I'll help him get through this."

"I don't know if he could be friends with you though, Cosplayer," Pepe mused. "He really cares about you."

Lucy blushed and smiled, bringing Bickslow's hand that was loosely clasped with her own to her lips. "I really care about him, too."

"Lucy," Papa sighed, "We'll do what we can to help you. But, just remember… Bickslow doesn't really know what is and isn't normal where most things are concerned. He's learned a lot over the years from watching the others in the guild, but… it's why he's put so much of this in your hands. He doesn't want to screw things up with you."

"I figured as much. He told me he's never been with anyone without being high, so I just assumed that was across the board. I just hope I can help him."

"We think you can do it, Cosplayer," all five totems chirped quietly.

As Lucy's smile widened, Papa whispered, "You're part of the reason he's working so hard to do this. With Laxus, it was because his friend wanted him to get clean. Bickslow knows he needs to stop, and he was trying to work with Laxus on it. But you're different. You make him want to be a better person, Lucy. Everything you do for him… Even when he relapses… You're helping him."

"I-I am?"

"Yeah," Bickslow whispered groggily. He lightly squeezed her hand, groaning as he stretched before curling back around her. He couldn't help the smile that crawled over his lips when he realized that Lucy was letting him lie with her. She was so damn comfortable, so soft. Perfect, really. "When that shit happens again… I end up thinking about you. It's why I'm able to stop myself sometimes." His smile widened and he nestled his nose in her golden hair. "All I've gotta do it think about your smile, baby. It makes me wanna stay clean..."

Lucy giggled and slowly rolled over, looking up into his barely opened eyes. "How long have you been awake?"

"I only heard what Papa just said," Bickslow yawned. "Sorry for passing out on ya…"

Lucy shook her head, running her fingers through the longer blue sections of his hair. "Your babies said you haven't been sleeping well." They both knew exactly why he hadn't been sleeping well. He'd been high, forcing himself to suffer and stay awake, to run from the pain he'd caused the both of them. When he shook his head and sighed, she whispered, "Then how about we just call it a night, Bixy?"

"Really?"

Lucy nodded. "It's late, and we've had a pretty rough couple days. Plus, you still look exhausted, and I wanna cuddle."

Bickslow gave the blonde a small, tired smile. "Sounds good to me… Could you do that rubbing thing on my back? The one you did on my stomach earlier?"

Lucy giggled and wrapped an arm around the Seith mage, her fingers moving in tender circles up and down his spine. "This rubbing thing?" she smiled.

"Mm-hmm," Bickslow hummed. He gave her a light squeeze as his eyes drifted closed. He didn't think he would ever get enough of Lucy touching him, and that was something he could definitely get behind. "Makes my skin all tingly when you do that."

"Not creepy-crawly, right?" Lucy asked.

"Nope. Just tingly." Bickslow forced his eyes to open just a little as he smiled down at her. He missed the glassy quality to her eyes as she held back her tears, and instead sighed in contentment when Lucy brought her lips to his. "Thanks, baby."

"For what?"

"For being the most amazing woman ever…" Bickslow smiled as their lips met again. "I'm damn lucky to have you…"

Lucy blushed and tucked her head into his chest. Now that she knew about his past, Lucy understood why Bickslow acted the way he did sometimes. When he was sober, why he had such a hard time asking her for help. Why he couldn't bring himself to trust people right away. Bickslow was timid, shy, insecure. He didn't think people liked him, not even his team. But, everything in his past, and the fact that he was using the drug his own father had forced on him, had made it that way for him. Now, it was just a matter of getting the Seith mage to see that he didn't need the drugs to be happy. That had been her goal from the beginning, but now it was about more than that. She understood just why it was so hard, and she would be damned if she didn't give this her all. "Bix?"

"Hmm?"

Lucy sighed and lightly nipped at his lips with a smirk when he started drifting off. His eyes shot open then, and her nose brushed back and forth over his. "You do make me happy, baby," she whispered. "I just… I just want you to know that, okay?" He needed to know that he was capable of doing the right thing. Nothing else mattered right then, aside from herself and Bickslow as they laid in the bed.

A bright, yet no less tired, grin stretched across his face at that. "So do you, baby," he whispered. "Just getting to hold you makes me happy."

After one last lingering kiss, Lucy watched as his eyes slid closed again. Within minutes, he was out like a light, and the totems floated across the bed to nestle themselves in the little spaces here and there between the two mages. Lucy's eyes closed as well, but she wasn't really tired just yet.

Instead, she could only think about what everyone had been saying over the past few days about Bickslow. Now that she knew better, now that she knew about his past and just how much it had messed with him, Lucy knew that the others were wrong. Bickslow wasn't crazy. He wasn't an asshole, or a philanderer, or anything else they'd said.

He was still sweet and kind and just trying to make things work with the shitty hand he'd been dealt. The drugs hadn't been his choice from the very beginning, and she knew now that he'd been telling the truth when he told her that he always wanted to get clean.

Still, the pain was present from what had happened with Felicia in that club. It lurked just beneath the surface, and part of Lucy wondered just how she'd convinced herself that it was a good idea to stay with him, even without knowing about his past.

She knew, deep down, what it was.  _'Because it's what you do when you love someone, and you know they're worth it. You stick with them through thick and thin, and you put up with a whole lot of bullshit.'_ Her eyes shot open to stare at the Seith mage's slumbering face in the dark, the fleeting thought causing her heart to pound wildly in her chest. She wasn't going to admit to having feelings that strong for Bickslow just yet. It was way too soon for that. Instead, she was just going to take this one step at a time and try to get them back to where they'd been before she left for her mission to take out the Oracion Seis.  _'I just hope he doesn't break my heart...'_

* * *

_**We are lost when we're together  
But I'll follow you forever** _

* * *

Bickslow groaned as several loud voices floated through the air, throwing his arm over his eyes to shy away from the too-bright sunlight streaming through the window.

"What the hell are you doing, Lucy?!"

"Why are you breaking into my apartment?!"

"That's really not the point. What's that asshole doing in your bed?'

"Gray, just relax. Luce wouldn't let Bickslow sleep in her bed if she didn't want him there."

"Not helping, Flame Breath!"

Bickslow's eyes slowly opened, and he moved his arm to find Gray, Natsu, and Lucy standing a few feet from the bed, with the blonde doing everything in her power to block most of his torso from sight. All he could hope was that neither of the two would realize just what all of the marks on his arms were. Or that they hadn't seen them in the first place.

"Gray, I'm a grown woman, and I can decide for  _myself_  who will and won't sleep in my bed," Lucy hissed.

"And you're just gonna let him sleep there after he cheated on you? I thought you were smarter than that, Lucy."

"We talked it all out yesterday," Lucy said. "I listened to his side of the story, and-"

"And how do you know he's not just lying to you? You're better than this, and-"

"Gray," Natsu gulped, seeing the way Lucy tensed the muscles in her legs, ready to kick them out of her apartment. Literally. "Seriously, shut up."

Bickslow sighed heavily and carefully sat up, rubbing a hand through his hair. His eyes locked with Gray's, and he completely ignored the wide-eyed stare he was getting from Natsu while he stood up.

"Whoa," Natsu whispered as he took in the bruises that littered Bickslow's torso, the scratches on his chest and Mavis only knew how many wounds on his arms. "Dude, what happened to you?"

Bickslow kept his gaze on the Ice Make mage and raised a brow. "You wanna answer that one, Gray?"

Gray's scowl deepened and his eyes narrowed. "You deserved it for hurting Lucy."

"No," Lucy interjected while she grabbed a shirt for Bickslow. "He didn't. Yes, I was hurt by finding out that he was kissing some other woman, but Bickslow talked to me about it. We worked it out, and we're staying together."

Natsu watched as Bickslow lightly kissed Lucy's head when she handed him a shirt then left the room. Once the bathroom door was closed, he turned back to the blonde. "You're sure, Luce? I don't want you to get hurt again."

Lucy gave the Fire Dragon Slayer a small smile. "I'm sure, Natsu." She turned back to Gray and frowned again. "You and Loke had no right to do that to Bickslow, and I don't care that he told his babies not to defend him. Or that the two of you were just trying to pay him back for what he did. He apologized to me, and both Bickslow and his babies explained what was going on that night."

"So, what's his excuse then?" Gray asked.

" _That_  is none of your business," Lucy shot back. "I'm the only one that needed to hear what he had to say, and I want you to just trust my judgment on being with him."

* * *

_**I don't wanna dream without you  
I don't wanna bleed without you** _

* * *

Gray was silent for a minute, then crossed his arms and grumbled, "Fine. I'll trust you. I don't trust him, and if he does something to hurt you, I'll-"

"You'll do  _nothing_ ," Lucy ground out. "What happens between myself and Bickslow is between  _us_. Not you and Loke, Cana and Erza, or anyone else."

Natsu quickly closed the distance between himself and Lucy when Gray nodded, wrapping his arms around the blonde. When she hugged him back, he smiled and gave her a light squeeze. "Well, as long as you're happy, then so am I," he whispered.

"Thanks, Natsu."

He grinned as he pulled back. "We're gonna head down to the guild. But… If you ever wanna talk, you let me know, okay?"

Lucy's smile softened as she nodded, listening as her two teammates miraculously left using the front door. Already arguing with one another over something else entirely. She stood in silence for another moment, then started making her way down the hall to get some breakfast cooking. Then squealed as a strong arm wound around her waist and pulled her backwards. "Bix!"

He grinned sleepily and hummed as her back pressed against his chest. "Mornin', Cosplayer," he whispered.

"Good morning," she giggled. "Ready for some breakfast?"

"Sure, but…" Bickslow spun Lucy in his arms, laughing when she clung to him as she lost her footing. "I wanna do something. After breakfast."

"What might that be?"

"That date I promised you," he whispered. The way her eyes lit up, and how her smile softened, had him lowering his head until their lips were barely separated. "Before you left, I said we'd go on another date."

"You did," Lucy sighed happily. He hadn't forgotten, and that was something that just made her a happy little clam. She'd really been looking forward to the date that they were supposed to go on, and she knew it would be just what they both needed to get themselves back to their own normal. Normal in general didn't really apply to them, but what they had was just as good.

"And  _this_  time, I'll be totally sober for it. We can't do what I'm thinking if I'm high on anything."

"And what might you have in mind for a date in the morning?"

Bickslow's lips twitched. "That's a surprise, baby." With that, he finally closed the distance between them, letting himself get lost in the way her plump lips felt moving against his own. He wasn't going to bring up Gray and Natsu showing up, or what they'd been talking about when he woke up. It would only sour the time that he had with the blonde, and he'd learned his lesson the last time they'd gone on a date that it wasn't a good idea to bring up anything negative.

Nope, he was just going to let it go by the wayside. Especially since Lucy stood up for not just him, but for their relationship. She wasn't going to let anyone stop them from being together, and that was something that the Seith mage never thought would actually happen for him. That there would be someone out there that really cared about him.

" _She's really good for you, Bickslow,"_  the totems silently whispered.  _"We'll make sure you guys stay together."_

" _Thanks, babies… I really don't wanna lose her."_

Lucy pulled away just enough to breathe, with hazy eyes and a lazy smile, and realized her hands were tangled in Bickslow's hair. "S-So I should, um… Make some breakfast…"

"One more kiss," he whispered, chuckling as she dove back in and pushed him against the wall in the thin hallway. His lips parted when he felt her tongue lightly tracing over them, and the way his babies started giggling in his head had the Seith mage simply resting his hands on her lower back and pulling her closer. He wasn't going to stop her, and there was nothing Bickslow could do but give just as good as he got. Which meant he wasn't worried about anything else. Not his withdrawal, or his addiction. Not his past, or the fact that his hands twitched occasionally. Just the blonde in his arms. Just the fact that she was able to make him feel something more than the overwhelming emptiness that had always been part of his life.

* * *

_**I'll do anything you want me to  
'Cause I know you'll burn with me too** _

* * *

Lucy looked around the meadow that Bickslow had brought her to, sighing happily as he laid a blanket over her legs to keep the chilly air from seeping into her. "Okay, we're out in the woods, it's freakin' gorgeous and cold. And I'm laying on the ground…"

Bickslow chuckled at the confusion sitting plain as day on the blonde's face while he knelt next to her. "Right. Now, just relax and close your eyes."

"Huh?"

He turned and brought out a small soundpod set that Laxus had given him a couple years before. Once the little set of speakers was all connected, he sighed quietly and hit play. The first few notes of the flute filled the air around them, the soothing, breathy sighs and gentle lilting melody bringing a sense of nostalgia. Laxus had given him the soundpod as a way to try and take his mind off of things, not realizing that the music he'd put on it for the Seith mage - what was considered meditation music in Fiore - only brought back memories of his past. It was supposed to help him meditate, and meditation was supposed to help Bickslow with his withdrawal. Except, he'd never had the heart to do anything about changing the music on there to something that would work for him, and he never told Laxus just why he never really used the thing. But now… Now, he could use it.

An intrigued smile played across Lucy's lips as she listened to the exotic, and oddly relaxing, song. "That sounds nice," she whispered, looking up into the Seith mage's eyes.

"Good," he chuckled. "I'd hate for you to wanna vomit from it."

"Well, that's a bit of an extreme reaction to some music," she laughed, her laughter only increasing when he winked with a tongue-lolling grin. "So, closing my eyes?"

"Yep."

"What are you gonna do?"

"I'll explain it all in a second."

Lucy rolled her eyes playfully before finally closing them. She heard Bickslow shift just beside her, and fought against the urge to open her eyes again when his babies settled themselves in a line from the base of her throat down to just beneath the hem of her pants.

"Okay, baby," Bickslow whispered. "So, this something I don't do all that often, but…" He paused and chewed his lower lip, adjusting her hands so her palms faced the sky. "It's something that only a Seith mage can really do… Well,  _this_  way in particular..."

She hummed and almost peeked at the man beside her, smirking when his hand gently covered her eyes.

"I can see your soul, Lucy," he continued, keeping his own eyes closed as he took a deep breath. "And you know how, on our last date, I gave you this necklace?" His eyes opened and his free hand moved to lightly trail his fingers over the heart-shaped stone.

"Yeah."

"And you remember why?"

"To help my chakras," she smiled. "And my writer's block…"

He laughed quietly at that. "Exactly. What we're doing this time is a little different, and… You've gotta be open to it, okay?"

"I trust you, Bix."

A tender smile crinkled the corners of his mouth. "It's called Reiki," he whispered, placing one hand an inch above her skin between Pipi, who sat just beneath her sternum, and Popo where it was resting on her navel. His other hand hovered in the air just above her forehead. "If I look hard enough, really focus, I can see the different parts of your soul. And if something's out of balance, I can help fix it."

Her eyes did open then to look at him curiously. "You can do that?"

"Yep," he smiled. "And I wanna do that for you, baby."

* * *

_**There's a white light  
It's calling me** _

* * *

"Why?" she whispered, watching a light flush cross his cheeks.

"Because I've done a lot to mess things up for you," he replied sadly. "And I wanna make it right." After a moment, he grinned down at her. "And I want you to get to know me better, I guess. No one knows I can do this. Not even Laxus."

Lucy's jaw dropped at that. The fact that Laxus, who she already knew was Bickslow's best friend, and the only one that really knew anything personal about the Seith mage in the first place, didn't know about this made her heart actually skip a beat. The errant thought from the night before came trickling back, about just how much she cared about the blue-and-black haired man by her side, but she pushed it to the side. "I-I'd like that," she finally whispered.

"You can watch for a little bit, if you want," Bicsklow said. "My babies are gonna help me, so you'll be able to see what I'm talking about."

"How does it work?" Lucy asked.

He chuckled and shook his head. "I'll explain that later. For now, just watch. And close your eyes when you feel like you should." When the blonde nodded slowly, he took a deep breath and looked back down to where he babies were sitting. "Ready, babies?"

"Ready," the totems hummed.

Lucy gasped as each of the five totems began glowing along with Bickslow's eyes. Soft green light emanated from him, but the totems each shone in a different color. Papa, sitting just under her throat, was a light blue; Pepe a gentle green on her sternum; Pipi a soft yellow beneath her breasts. Popo hummed as the wooden totem glowed a warm orange over her navel, and Pupu was a bright, burning red where it sat on her pelvis.

"If I had two more babies," Bickslow whispered, his eyes carefully examining the small orbs that appeared over each of the totems for any impurities, "Then they'd be up on your head. I'll have to do those myself, so you won't see it this time." The next time he did this for Lucy, he was going to make sure he also had the right stones for each of her chakras to house his babies in. It would make things easier to balance, and a lot easier to see where the imbalances were in the first place.

Lucy smiled while looking up at him, then back down when she felt his hands shifting in the air above her body. He didn't touch her, but she could still somehow feel everything he did.

"Deep breaths," Bickslow whispered soothingly. "I'll take care of you, baby."

As the seconds ticked by, Lucy's eyes grew heavy. A weak smile barely turned up the corners of her mouth when Bickslow looked into her eyes, and her lips parted on a silent gasp when she was drawn further and further into the green concentric rings of his irises.

"Relax," Bickslow smiled tenderly. "I'll make it all better." He watched as Lucy's eyes fluttered closed, letting out a slow breath as he listened to her falling into a more meditative state. The slightly agitated swirling in her chakras calmed until it was all slowly rotating within their respective orbs.

Now that he was looking more closely, he could see just where Lucy needed the most help. And he knew just how to help her. He carefully worked his way down from her head, starting with Sahasrara, and making sure each one was perfectly balanced. He paused and watched curiously once he got to Anahata, her heart chakra that glowed a gentle green. It wasn't out of balance like he would have thought, especially considering just how rocky their relationship had been. It was perfect, soothing to even him.

In that moment, his breath caught. He knew, right then and there, how the blonde really felt. And that was part of the reason he didn't do this for anyone. He was looking right into the person's soul, seeing everything they wanted to keep hidden. There were no words or thoughts, just colors. He could  _feel_  what the other person felt.

* * *

_**I'll do anything you want me to  
'Cause I know you'll burn with me too** _

* * *

' _She… loves me?'_

It was impossible. He knew that, but it was there. Just a small cluster of intense emotion nestled deeply within her soul. Maybe it just meant she was starting to love him, though. She wasn't head over heels for him, but something more was there. A small spark of hope.

He pulled back from the little green orb with wide eyes, his heart pounding in his chest. It took several moments for the Seith mage to calm down, and he looked past Pipi, down to Popo and the orange orb hovering above the little totem. Svadhisthana, the sacral chakra… He wasn't going to skip anything, but the thought of delving into Lucy's sexual desires had him a little anxious.

After another moment, Bickslow returned to what he was doing, sending small pulses of his own magic into Lucy's chakras to help return the balance she needed. He couldn't seem to pull away from what he'd seen before, and as he did another once-over to make sure there was nothing that he'd missed, he found himself being drawn back to her heart. Back to that small bit of love she held for him, specifically.

For several long minutes, he watched. And, once Bickslow was convinced that it wasn't going to jump out and try to devour him - although, why he was actually scared of something like that happening in the first place was beyond him - he lightly settled his babies back down onto Lucy's body.

"That's nothing to be scared of, Bickslow," Pepe whispered. "Just let yourself be happy that she cares about you."

"I-I know, Pepe," he answered absently.

"It's pretty scary though," Popo added. "So, feeling like that  _is_  okay. It's normal."

"Just don't worry about it too much," Pipi said, a smile clear in its little voice.

"And don't tell Lucy that you saw that," Papa interjected. "It might be there, but she might not even realize it."

"O-Okay," Bickslow nodded. "Okay, I can do that." He looked back up to Lucy's fully relaxed face, then slowly brought his hand to her cheek. The glow of his eyes subsided as he watched her eyelids flutter, and he smiled down at the blonde just when her gaze landed on him. "How do you feel?"

Lucy hesitated, then a slow grin stretched across her face. "Amazing," she whispered, leaning into his hand as it cupped her cheek. For the first time since her mother died, Lucy felt completely at ease. Like nothing in the world could bring her down from the odd floating feeling she'd been left with. Her limbs felt weightless, and her heart was light and free. "Bix, this is…"

When Lucy shook her head, and simply covered his hand with one of her own, the Seith mage found a wide grin fighting its way to the surface. What he'd wanted for her, he could see. Right there. She was happy. Lucy was happier than he'd ever seen her before. There was a light in her eyes that he'd never witnessed, a brightness to her smile that he hadn't thought possible. "Man, you're beautiful," he whispered breathlessly.

Lucy bit her lip and giggled, then reached up with her other hand and looped it around the back of Bickslow's neck. He squawked in surprise as she pulled him down onto the ground with her, and Lucy laughed when the totems that had been sitting on her toppled to the ground as her lips met with his.

The last thing Bickslow had been expecting was to be lying partially on top of Lucy with his tongue wildly tangling with hers. Was he complaining? Hell no. Was it going to go much further than kissing? Probably not, and he really didn't have a problem with that either. His antibiotics were done, and he'd even gone to get himself tested again after that night at the club (and thankfully, he'd been told that he was clean as a whistle), but that didn't mean that Bickslow was going to push Lucy for anything more than what she wanted to give him.

"Bix," Lucy giggled as he rolled so she was lying on his chest, her legs tangling with his and the blanket he'd settled over her earlier.

"So beautiful," he mumbled against her lips with a smirk, a low groan spilling from him as her hands tangled in his hair and she pulled his lower lip into her mouth.

The five little souls shot off the ground when the couple shifted again so they were lying next to each other. They silently giggled when Bickslow tensed once he realized his hand was cupping Lucy's jean-covered ass, watching as he slowly relaxed when all she did was sigh into the kiss and massage her fingers over his scalp.

" _Oh my god, these two,"_ Pupu laughed.

" _I don't blame him,"_ Popo mused.  _"Lucy's a damn catch."_

" _And I definitely see why she can't keep her hands off of him,"_  Pipi whispered.  _"He's a sexy bastard when he wants to be."_

" _I might not be gay, but I agree,"_ Pepe chuckled.  _"He's quite capable of dropping some panties."_

" _I'm not even getting in the middle of this one,"_ Papa sighed happily, watching the two mages slowly pull back from one another, just enough to fill their lungs with much needed oxygen. Their eyes locked, and twin smiles stretched over their faces as they just basked in one another's presence.

" _Pfft, that didn't last long,"_ Pepe laughed as Bickslow lunged for the blonde and rolled her onto her back again.

" _It's hopeless. They're hopeless,"_ Pipi sighed wistfully.

" _Good thing you can't get pregnant from a dude licking your damn larynx,"_ Papa snorted.

" _Oh god, she's in his lap,"_  Pupu gasped.  _"Welcome back to Perv Town, guys!"_

" _Aww,"_  Popo crooned.  _"Perverted or not, the fact that he's thinking about kissing every inch of her body is so sweet!"_

There was nothing the totems could have done to stop the two from enjoying their time together, especially since Lucy and Bickslow kept it all relatively clean. Just kissing. How they managed to only do that, to keep themselves from going any further, was beyond the little souls' collective comprehension. They were glad the two didn't do more, but it was still surprising. Especially when, after thirty minutes, they didn't seem to show any signs of stopping.

" _This is gonna take a while,"_  Papa sighed.

" _You're goddamn right it is, babies,"_ Bickslow silently laughed as his grip around Lucy's waist tightened to pull her closer.

* * *

_**There's a white light  
And it's calling me** _

 


	15. Never Knew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is:  
> Casey Abrams ft. Hailey Reinhart: Never Knew

 

_**This pitch black room  
Dark as the night** _

* * *

A week had come and gone since Lucy and Bickslow went on their second date, with the Seith mage having spent most of his time at her apartment going through withdrawal.

During that week, they had gone on another two dates, one of which he had begrudgingly cut short when he'd started feeling more sick than usual. Lucy had walked him back to her apartment, insisting that he stay there so she could keep an eye on him and make sure it was just from withdrawal and not that he was coming down with anything.

There were only two days that they hadn't spent together, when Lucy had needed to go on a job with her team. Instead of saying that he would be alright on his own, Bickslow had actually taken a chance and asked Freed if it would be alright for him to stay at the Rune mage's home while Lucy was gone.

Said Rune mage was more than happy that Bickslow was willing to lean on him while Lucy was away, and Evergreen, seeing that Bickslow wasn't feeling well, took it upon herself to be the nurse of their little trio. Granted, she had a bit of a hard time because she didn't know exactly what was wrong with the Seith mage, only that he was vomiting, had a fever, and passed out for hours at a time. That he would sometimes end up shivering even while pouring sweat.

Lucy had called to check in on him while she was gone, only to have Evergreen answer his lacrima and tell her that he hadn't woken up for nearly twelve hours, and she was considering taking him to the hospital.

Luckily, the blonde was quick with a remedy, telling the Fairy mage that he needed to have some chicken soup, even if Freed was holding Bickslow's head up while Evergreen slowly poured spoonfuls into his mouth. She promised that she would be back as soon as possible, and told the brunette to ask Bickslow's babies if they had any other ideas before taking him to the hospital.

And, of course, it was while she was on her way from the guild after turning in her request, taking a few minutes to talk with Wendy about the sudden appearance of Gildarts in the guild - and, of course, watching in shock as Natsu was thrown through the ceiling with only one of Gildarts' hands - that things took a turn for the worst.

Edolas. All of Magnolia was frozen, with their magic slowly being drained to feed into the other world's empire.

After that ordeal was all said and done, with Magnolia returning to its rightful place on Earthland, the Exceeds coming along, and Lisanna seemingly returning from the grave, Lucy had all but dashed to Freed's house to make sure that the Raijinshuu was still alright.

And they were. They had no memories of anything that happened, and Lucy took the time to fill Evergreen and Freed in on just what had happened while they waited for Bickslow to wake back up. And once he did, all he'd wanted was Lucy. The blonde had been pulled into his arms, fighting to keep her stomach from spewing her barely digested strawberry smoothie all over him at the smell coming from the Seith mage - not to mention his breath, because he hadn't had the energy to brush his teeth after vomiting. Luckily, Freed had come to the rescue, hauling Bickslow to the bathroom and setting the Seith mage in the bathtub, fully clothed, then turning on the water.

And now, several days afterwards, Lucy was waiting outside of Bickslow's apartment in a pair of jeans, her combat boots, a low-cut blouse and deep maroon jacket to combat the chilly December air. He'd taken a mission with his own team just the day before, since he'd been feeling much better - and had gone more than a week without any drugs - and she'd gotten a call from him while they were on their way back, asking her to meet him outside of his apartment at four o'clock.

And she was there, fifteen minutes to the hour, excited to see her boyfriend, to kiss him and welcome him home. To congratulate him on staying sober another day, just like she did every single day, and to remind him that even if it was painful and he felt miserable, she was proud of him, and she believed in him. Seeing his smile when those words came from her had Lucy's heart swelling even further.

But now it was nearly six, and Bickslow was still nowhere to be seen. He'd said he wanted to just go out and do something casual. Maybe dinner and the park again, which she really didn't mind. Or maybe even just a movie at her place. He hadn't decided yet, but she knew that no matter what it was, they would have fun.

And when it was nearly six-thirty, Lucy started trying to call Bickslow's lacrima. But there was no answer. She went inside and knocked on his door. Still no answer.

When she asked his neighbors if they'd seen him at all that day, they had simply scoffed and brushed her off without so much as an answer. Maybe Bickslow wasn't really the best neighbor, considering his addiction, but she was starting to really worry.

She left a quick note on his door, having borrowed a pen and a slip of paper from an older woman downstairs, saying that she'd waited and she was going out looking for him, and if he saw the note that he needed to call her.

So, by the time the sun had completely disappeared beyond the horizon, Lucy was nearly in tears and still frantically searching rooftops and alleys and everywhere in between.

Feeling her distress, Loke opened his gate and stopped the blonde from continuing on with his arms around her.

"N-Not now, Loke. I need to find Bickslow."

"Lucy," he sighed. "Just relax."

"We were supposed to meet at four, Loke," she said, her eyes darting from one side to another, hoping she could find the Seith mage. "It's nearly nine. I'm really worried."

"Yeah, well maybe you should…" He froze when she turned a deadly glare on him. He already knew that she still hadn't completely forgiven him for the little 'protection' stunt he and Gray had pulled. She was still angry enough that she'd intentionally called out Taurus  _instead_  of him, even though everyone had heard her thinking that Loke was much better suited to fight the mage she'd been against.

"Loke, do not make me have this conversation right now."

"No," he whispered. "Look, all I'm saying is… Okay, so what I'm trying to say is to take a breath. You're not going to find him if you're freaking out. And, I know you're worried - we all do - but you should have called one of us out sooner. Virgo would have been willing to help you look, you know."

"Or Plue could have tried scenting him out," she finally nodded. With a weary sigh, the blonde leaned against her Lion spirit, slowly wrapping her arms around him. "Loke… Will you please help me find him?"

Loke hated that Lucy had promised to help Bickslow, and he hated Bickslow even more for dragging the blonde into his problems. There were far too many places the guy could be, especially with his acrobatic abilities. Not just that, but his damn addiction was eating away at Loke. He'd wanted to tell Gray the real reason that Bickslow had cheated on Lucy, that he was a damn meth-head and doing stars only knew what other drugs. But, he couldn't.

Loke couldn't do that to Lucy, and because he knew that she would get hurt somehow if the guild found out - most likely from her own guilt - he had to keep his mouth shut.

Finally, the ginger-haired spirit nodded. "I'll help you, Lucy. I'm doing this for  _you_  though. Not for him."

"He needs all the help he can get," she frowned.

"Yeah, but I've never liked him," he frowned right back. "I'll help you find him, and I'll help because he's nakama. But I don't have to like that you're going through any of this." When her body tensed in anger, he pulled her just a little closer and whispered into her golden hair, "You're the best master any spirit could ask for, and he's hurt you. Yes, I know he helped you too, but I just can't forgive him so easily. So, even though I'd love to just let Bickslow rot, because this is for  _you_ , Lucy… and  _only_  for you… I'll help. Whenever you need me, I'll be there, alright?"

"You promise?" she whispered with a sad smile.

"I always will, beautiful," he chuckled. "Now, have any other ideas of where he could be?"

"Well, his babies told me he goes to Laxus' old house sometimes. But it's out in the woods and I don't know where."

"Damn," he sighed. "Natsu might be able to smell it, but I'm guessing you don't want him in on this?"

"Definitely not," she said with a quick shake of her head. "Besides, he's been catching up with Lisanna ever since she came back. No way am I going to interrupt them." Really, the fact that the guild was more focused on Lisanna's return made it easier to keep her sudden disappearances for Bickslow's sake a secret. No one questioned why he was at her apartment all the time, because no one had really come by.

"Where else, then?"

"Bluelight," she sighed. "But I don't know where that is, either. Bix told me about how he goes down there and fights for money, sometimes gets a 'refill'..."

"Is it a warehouse?" Loke asked slowly.

"I… Maybe? I don't know… I think he said it was a warehouse downtown, but… I-I don't know."

"With a little blue light outside," Loke mused. "I think I know what place you're talking about. We can check there, alright? Maybe someone's seen him."

As Loke started walking, with Lucy easily keeping up with his quick, determined pace, she said, "He told me that he meets Axel there sometimes. That's his dealer. And Annie, I guess she's the supplier?"

His lips thinned into a line and he nodded. "With what he does, Annie would be the one to supply it."

"Loke… How do you-"

"I've been alive for a very long time, Lucy," he spat. "Not everything I've done, or have been forced to do for previous masters, is something I want to discuss."

"O-Oh! I'm sorry, I just…"

He sighed and turned, placing his hands on her shoulders and a tender kiss to her brightly blushing cheeks. "I didn't mean it like that," he sighed. "An old master of mine, about a decade ago, was a dealer. He used to make his spirits go on runs for him, so he wouldn't have to leave his house and get caught by the authorities. Bluelight, if this is the same place I'm thinking of, was one of the places I had to go when I was taking orders from him."

Lucy's eyes hardened angrily while listening to her spirit, causing him to give her a sad smile.

"Annie is the only major supplier of the hard stuff out this way, last I knew, so she's kind of a big shot. She likes going to Bluelight though to try and get a few more customers… her  _own_  way. So, we'll head to the place I'm thinking, and go from there, okay?"

"Okay," she nodded slowly.

"And I won't let anything happen to you while we're there," he said, his voice nearly a growl as they continued walking. "There's some really scummy assholes there, so please… stick by my side."

It didn't take too long for Loke to find the alley that led to the small blue light above a mostly shadowed door, blocking the outside world from the warehouse within. He spared a single glance to Lucy, then knocked on the door.

Lucy really felt like she was in some weird mobster movie as a slat on the door slid open and she was greeted with angry, domineering green eyes.

"What?" a deep, gruff voice asked.

Loke sighed and pulled his glasses off, seeing recognition flash in the eyes that looked back at him. "Jackie, we're looking for someone."

"Don't mean shit, man."

Lucy bit her lip and came forward slightly. "I'm just looking for my boyfriend," she said. "Crazy Eyes."

Loke blinked in surprise as he looked at Lucy. Clearly she knew more about what Bickslow did than he'd thought, since he was sure she wouldn't have known whatever nickname the Seith mage used while at a place like this.

"Crazy Eyes ain't been in tonight."

She very nearly whimpered as the slat began to close. "Please!" she shouted. "Can we just take a look around? We won't make any trouble."

Several moments were spent in silence, with the blonde's heart hammering in her chest.

"C'mon, Jackie. I know for a fact you can't say no to a crying woman, and lemme tell you… It's heartbreaking when this one cries."

His green eyes swept back to the blonde whose lip was already trembling. She didn't look like the normal clients that frequented Bluelight. "You a narc, little lady?"

"Crazy Eyes is my boyfriend," she said. "Do you really think I'd be a narc while dating him?"

"Straight edge?"

"Aside from some drinking here and there, yeah," Lucy replied.

"Huh," Jackie muttered. "Alright, come on in."

She let out a heavy sigh of relief as the slat slammed shut and the door opened a moment later. Once she and Loke were inside, she gave the hulking bouncer a wide, gracious smile. "Thanks, Jackie. If you see him, let him know Cosplayer's looking for him?"

He chuckled and gave her a quick nod. "Sure thing, little lady. You stick with the Lion over there, alright? It's a damn zoo tonight." Just before she could walk off, he added, "You ever need to come down here again, you just tell me your name. You're on the list now."

Lucy bit her lips to keep from laughing as Loke looped his arm around hers and led her down the short hallway into the larger warehouse. "Shut up," he chuckled. "Everyone needs a name here."

"The Lion, huh?"

"It's what I am," he smirked. "But, just so you know… You're never getting rid of that name now that Jackie knows it."

"Good to know."

"If you ever come here again, you'll have to use that name," Loke continued. "'Cosplayer' is what he wrote on that list."

Lucy nodded and her eyes went wide as she and Loke finally entered the main area. There was a bar on the far wall, scaffolding running along all four walls with a large lofted area that she could tell had couches and tables. Music pumped wildly through enormous speakers just next to the bar. Couches and chairs littered the open areas on two walls, a large dance floor with easily a hundred bodies all moving and writhing in time to the music.

She could smell smoke, but not from a normal fire. She'd never smelled anything like it before though. As they continued walking, she could see people pulling straps over their arms and injecting themselves. Women laid out on tables with lines of white powder running across their stomachs, and other people bending down and snorting it up quickly.

Money changed hands. Dealers and buyers. People laughed and nearly bumped into one another, while others slammed their partners into a nearby wall and started having sex right there.

And then there was the final wall, what the second floor loft was easily overlooking. A large stage held two men that were in the middle of a fight. And the poor, scrawny guy that was facing off against what she could only call a monster was utterly doomed to failure.

"And Mittens takes another one down!" the announcer called, sending a chorus of wild cheers shuddering through the audience that had gathered.

Lucy went rigid at the familiar name, dragging Loke over as the unconscious man was pulled off the stage and another man, about Bickslow's build, took his place to face off against Mittens.

"Lucy, what are you doing?" Loke hissed once they reached the front of the crowd.

Her eyes were wide and slightly terrified while she watched the heavy swings that Mittens was throwing at his opponent. She already knew that Bickslow would have stuck out like a sore thumb in this place, and that Jackie most likely would have mentioned seeing him there. But, the fact that her boyfriend wasn't there didn't deter the blonde from watching the fight in awe.

She knew that Bickslow had fought against Mittens before, and he'd told her as much when they'd finally sat down to talk everything out after the Philly incident. The fact that Bickslow was even able to stand after going toe-to-toe with the brute on the stage had her seriously impressed, and more than worried about just how much the drugs really affected him.

Because Mittens was enormous. His muscles had fucking muscles, and it looked as though they were in the process of bulking up even more as sweat dripped down from his bald, tattooed head over the bare skin of his torso to his crisp blue jeans that hugged his frighteningly large thighs. The image of Laxus in his Dragon Force mode, that Natsu and Gajeel had told her about after the Battle of Fantasia, popped into her head, and the blonde briefly wondered if that's what this was.

None of the other signs were there though - no elongated teeth, glowing eyes, or magic sparking out of control. He was just insanely muscular, way too tall, and terrifyingly strong.

His opponent went flying out of the ring, and Mittens rolled his shoulders while ignoring the announcer, instead eyeing the crowd for his next match. He only had a couple more before he would tap out for the night, having already made plenty with his wins so far.

"Excuse me!" Lucy shouted, scrambling up onto the stage without a thought.

"Lucy, no!" Loke shouted. "You can't-"

Mittens scoffed down at the petite blonde. "You're on the stage, you're fighting," he growled. "Get the fuck down."

Lucy could hear the betting had died down a little while people waited for her to get off the stage for the next challenger. The sound of his rough, bone-rattling voice nearly toppled her over right then, but she swallowed her fear down and looked him squarely in the eye. "I just have a quick question," she said hurriedly.

"I'm busy," he snapped, cracking his knuckles. "You wanna talk, you fight."

"Get the hell down from there!" Loke shouted. "He's gonna kill you, L-"

Lucy turned her head with a glare to silence her spirit before he shouted her real name. She knew that no one was supposed to use their real name here, and she needed to keep it that way. "Lion, keep an eye out, I'm gonna do it."

"What?!" Loke bellowed. "Hell no! Get down!" He turned toward Mittens, seeing the hulking man's eyes widen in surprise before narrowing to study his next victim of senseless violence. "Look, man. She didn't know the rules."

Mittens chuckled darkly. "They're simple. On the stage, you fight. No weapons, no magic. And I'd take that jacket off, unless you want me to strangle you with it."

Lucy nodded and removed her whip and keys from her belt, then her jacket. She rolled them up in the jacket and handed it to Loke.

"Please don't do this," Loke whispered desperately, his body tense. "Please, he could kill you."

She gave him a gentle, yet still tremulous, smile that did nothing to hide her nervousness. "I'll be fine, Lion," she whispered. "If it's bad enough, then Chains will open her gate. You know that."

Mittens watched as the small blonde woman came to stand in front of him, listening as the bets were placed.

"We've got a new challenger!" the announcer shouted. "Little Miss Sunshine is gonna take on Mittens! Get your bets in now, guys. This one's gonna be over in a flash!"

"Rules are simple, girl," Mittens said. "First one off the stage, knocked out, or taps out is done. Anything goes, otherwise. So, chick-fight all you want. I'll try not to kill ya."

"As long as I can talk to you," Lucy said while taking several steps back, "Then I'll fight you. Even if I lose."

"That's the spirit," Mittens chuckled. Once the bell rang to begin the fight, he lunged forward, ready to wrap a hand around her throat. What he hadn't been expecting was for the blonde to dive between his legs at the exact same time and roll to a kneel behind him. "Pretty quick."

"I just need to know…" Lucy squeaked and ducked when he threw a heavy left jab at her, grunting when his boot came up and connected with her shoulder, knocking her backwards and onto the ground. She scrambled to her feet and spun away as he made another grab for her, feeling his thick fingers barely brushing against the ends of her hair. "Have you seen Crazy Eyes?"

"Who's lookin'?"

"I'm his girlfriend."

Mitten's eyes narrowed in suspicion while his fist connected with her stomach, and while she was stunned from the hit, his other fist cracked across her face. When she fell to the ground, he caught sight of a bright pink guild mark on her hand that was identical to the black one on Crazy Eye's tongue. Everyone in town knew exactly where it was from, it would be hard not to know he was a Fairy Tail mage, but that meant that this woman was too.

Loke's grip on Lucy's belongings tightened when he saw her spitting out a mouthful of blood. "C'mon! Just tap out! Please!"

"What, little Lion?" Lucy laughed, keeping her eyes on Mittens (while trying to ignore how her vision was still a little doubled from that hit to the face). "Don't you have any faith in me?"

"I don't believe ya," Mittens said. He lowered himself into a more guarded stance, punching without a break and finding himself more surprised than before as the blonde continued dodging. His knuckles barely grazed her as she danced away from him. "Hope you're not waiting for me to tire out. My smoke's givin' me energy for days!"

Lucy stopped moving as she felt a small pain in her mostly healed ankle, then gasped when his large hands wrapped around her shoulders. There was only one thing she could do, and the blonde really had no idea whether or not it would work. Most likely, it wouldn't. Channeling her inner 'Scary Lucy' and all the anger she bottled up from dealing with her team's bad habits, the blonde sent out her guild-famous Lucy Kick.

Loke's jaw clamped shut when the man that had been easily kicking Lucy's ass flew off the stage and into the nearest wall.

Lucy, ignoring the stunned silence of the others around them, dashed off the stage and ran to Mittens' side as he was sitting up and rubbing his head. She didn't pay any attention to the fact that people were very obviously clearing a path for her. No one was trying to stop her at all. "Are you okay?"

"What the fuck  _was_  that?" he muttered.

"Luther," Lucy whispered as softly as possible. She remembered the conversation she'd had with Bickslow about people's names at Bluelight, and that he'd told her what Mittens' real name was. That not many people actually knew his real name.

Mittens' eyes widened a fraction.

"Please, I'm really worried about him. Can you tell me where he is?"

"Tell me Crazy Eyes' name," he whispered back as he stared into her wide brown eyes. "And what he calls you. Then I'll believe you're really his girl."

"Bickslow," she said with a soft smile. "And I'm his Cosplayer."

"Why are you lookin' for him?"

"He disappeared," she said as they stood up, grinning down at her.

"He talks about you a lot, y'know. Let's get your winnings and head out. I know some of the places Crazy Eyes goes."

She blinked in surprise as Loke came rushing over to her, quickly pulling her jacket back on and hooking her keys and whip back in place on her belt. Without a word, the two Fairy Tail mages were taken over to a thin woman with long black hair in a short green dress that hugged her like a second skin.

After the quick introductions were made, Annie's eyes travelled up and down the blonde who had somehow beaten Mittens. "So  _you're_  Cosplayer," she mused.

Lucy nodded. "Annie, right? You're the one that makes Crazy Eyes' pie?" At the intrigued look on the other woman's face, the sultry smile and slow nod, Lucy felt anger flaring in her veins. She didn't have time to get into it with the woman that supplied his dealer. Especially not in this place where it was easy to see she was treated like damn royalty.

No, Lucy just needed to find Bickslow.

"I need to know where he would have gone," Lucy said quickly. "Crazy Eyes told me to meet him at his place at four, and he never showed up. It's… It's not like him to do that. Even when he's got a sugar rush."

Annie smirked devilishly. "You sure know what you're talking about," she chuckled. "You looking to play some poker, too?"

Loke finally stepped in, placing himself between Lucy - who he could tell was ready to just attack the other woman - and Annie. "C'mon, Annie. Just tell her what she wants to know, alright?"

Her eyes widened before a more devious smile curved her lips. "Hey,  _Lion_ … Didn't realize she was a friend of yours."

"The best friend I could ask for," Loke chuckled, giving the blonde a warm smile. "Any ideas where he could be? We wanna make sure he's alright."

With a sigh, Annie handed over the money that had been collected for Lucy's fight against Mittens. Then she gave Mittens the much larger stack that had been collected for his previous fights. "Two different houses he might be at," she finally said. "One down by the docks, little red with a white door on Butcher and Nines."

"That's clear across town," Loke sighed.

"The other's two blocks away. Mittens, you know that old Gallery the Knights shut down two weeks ago? It's back up already."

Mittens nodded and looked down to Lucy and Loke. "I can take you there, Cosplayer," he said.

"I'll check the other one," Loke said as they left the warehouse. "If I find him out there, I'll have Virgo open her gate and tell you, alright?"

Lucy nodded quickly, letting out a trembling breath as Loke disappeared in a gentle, sparkling shower. She looked up to Mittens, watching as he blinked slowly for a moment before walking away. "Thanks for this, Mittens," she said.

"Outside of that place," he smirked. "You can call me Luther."

"Then call me Lucy," she grinned back. Still, as they ran down the street toward what she realized was going to be a house where people were shooting up and doing any number of illicit drugs, Lucy couldn't shake the feeling that there was something seriously wrong.

' _Bickslow, please be okay…'_

* * *

_**Then in walks you  
Turning on the light** _

* * *

Five totems sat on the dusty floor, piled on top of one another haphazardly and unable to move. They were crowded into a small space just under the stairs, watching in horror as Bickslow's jaw tensed and his hands shot to the shortened black strands of his hair. He hadn't spoken to them for hours, but they could hear how disjointed his thoughts were.

' _I need it. Need more. Fuck, Lucy! No… She hates me… Fuck… What did I do? Shut up. Don't talk to me! Leave me alone!'_

They knew he was hallucinating, trying to bring himself back to normal at least a little bit. His hands shook as he lowered them, and all five of the little souls started yelling that he needed to call her when they saw him lifting the vial of already filtered poison.

"Bickslow, stop!" Papa shouted.

"It hasn't even been twenty minutes!" Pepe yelled.

"I need it," he said, his voice quaking. Bickslow couldn't remember the last time he'd done it. All he knew was that he kept hearing voices echoing back and forth through his head, ones that weren't his babies. The drugs made that stop. They always did.

' _Do it. Do it. Do it!'_ the voices hissed.

' _Pussy. Crazy little fucker. Do you want to end up like him?'_

Bickslow bit his lips and slammed his eyes shut, shuddering against the sudden chill in his veins as memories flew through him. He couldn't take this shit anymore. He'd been clean for a week! A whole week, letting himself depend on Lucy, Freed, and Evergreen. It hadn't been easy, but he'd done it. And he was desperate to get his hands on his lacrima and call Lucy.

Every time he tried reaching for it, he'd see a needle. A vial. He'd see her smiling face morphing into how she looked the night he killed that junkie, terrified of him and trying to get away.

"You're gonna kill yourself!" Pupu whimpered.

"Please," Pipi whispered. "Please stop…"

"Call Lucy! She'll help you!"

' _You're a monster. Do you think she knows what you-'_

' _Your mother was a-'_

' _-did? All the people you've hurt?'_

' _-whore. She hated you.'_

' _Worthless… Trash… Psycho…'_

"B-Babies, I… I need it!"

"No!" they shouted.

Bickslow whimpered as he fought to get the needle in his arm. One prick. He missed the vein. A second attempt, and he pushed right through it. Shaking his hands out quickly, wrenching his head one way then the other to try and ease the tremors that were rippling under his skin. He didn't have the time or patience for a tourniquet this time around. He needed it fucking  _now_.

On the fifth try, he succeeded. Bickslow could have cried, he was so happy. He pushed down the plunger as quickly as possible and gulped down a lungful of air as it streaked like fire through his veins.

His eyes shot open a moment later, as the voices in his head began cackling and growing louder, and they instantly locked onto wide, teary brown eyes framed with golden hair. His body locked up at the sight of Lucy standing just in front of him, her hand pressed to her lips. Without a thought, Bickslow all but ripped the needle from his arm.

And then he felt it. The rush came too quickly, way too intense. His babies had been right, and he knew right then that things were  _not_  going to end well for him. "O-Oh, fuck…"

His heart was beating wildly in his chest, drowning out her voice when she whispered to him. Suffocating him.  _'I can't breathe… Fuck!'_  He had just shot up, he could tell now. The way his skin felt like it was being pierced by pins and needles soaked in alcohol. How his muscles tensed to the point of pain and how it seemed as though someone took a hot poker to the base of his spine that sent molten lava racing up to his brain.

Lucy gasped as Bickslow's eyes rolled back and he began violently convulsing right before her eyes. "B-Bix!"

Mittens shoved the blonde to the side and crouched on the ground, roughly pushing Bickslow down and straddling the flailing Seith mage. There wasn't a damn thing he could shove in the guy's mouth to keep him from biting his tongue off. Except his fingers.  _'See if you can bite through this shit.'_ He was willing to break the guy's jaw if need be, just as long as he couldn't hurt himself more. "You'd better call someone! And fuckin' quick!"

Lucy whimpered while gathering Bickslow's totems in her arms, brushing her hand over Loke's key. Seconds felt like whole days while she waited for her spirit to show up, simply staring as Mittens struggled to contain Bickslow. By the time Loke appeared, she was in tears.

He took in the scene quickly, his nose wrinkling at the acrid stench of stale sweat and unwashed bodies and dust that permeated the air. Once Loke saw Mittens' body lying almost completely on top of Bickslow, and the way his body was shuddering, his boots thumping on the floor and his bare arms scraping along broken glass, Loke's heart froze.

"Hospital," Mittens ground out. "He's-"

"Shit! OD!" someone in the background yelled. Without a moment's hesitation, several people bolted through the front door, while more jumped through windows or out of the back.

"Fuzz usually comes when there's an OD," Mittens growled. "Goddamnit, man. What the fuck?"

By the time Bickslow stopped seizing, or at least by the time Mittens was able to contain him enough to lift him up, Lucy didn't know what else to do. Loke's arm wrapped around her as he led her outside, quickly following the larger man as he dashed down side streets and alleys on a shortcut to the nearest hospital. The same one that Lucy had brought the unconscious man to at the end of October when she'd found him in an alley, on the verge of dying.

"B-Babies?" Lucy sobbed.

"We're here," they whispered.

The fact that they could at least answer her gave the blonde some hope that things would work out. She had to believe they would, because there was no telling what she would do if Bickslow didn't make it this time.

* * *

_**And then I realize  
Never knew what love can do** _

* * *

Lucy was sitting in the chair by Bickslow's bed, watching his slow breaths as she waited for him to wake up. This time, her tears lasted through the night and well into the morning. The doctor came and went, hardly saying two words to her while she simply made her rounds. From what Lucy had been told, there was a lethal dose of methamphetamine in Bickslow's system. Also, her ribs were miraculously not broken - somehow fighting with Mittens had left them just as nearly healed as they were before - and she was going to have quite the black eye. Lucy didn't care about any of that though.

What she cared about was what she'd witnessed the night before. Seeing the torment sitting so plainly on Bickslow's face as he'd forced the needle into his arm. She'd been able to practically feel his own internal struggle, but the fact that she'd seen him in the act still made her feel as though she was going to vomit. But then, once he'd looked at her, Lucy had thought it was the realization that he'd been caught that had him freaking out. She could still see the way his eyes had widened in terror. How he'd gone a shade paler. And she had been completely useless when it came to helping him once he started seizing. Lucy had never had to deal with something like that, and she was at her wits end while staring at him lying on the bed. She didn't know if she could keep this up, though. Yes, she'd promised him and herself that she would be there, and that she would help him, but it was so much different than what she'd thought before. This was scary, and so far beyond the scope of her abilities.

How the hell had Laxus done this and kept it all quiet for the past six years? And just why hadn't he told Master Makarov about it before leaving? Someone. Anyone!

Lucy had half a mind to just tell the guild master herself while Bickslow was still unconscious. She knew it was the right thing to do, but then… Just as she was pushing her jacket off of her lap and getting ready to stand and make her way to the hall to call the older man, Bickslow's eyes opened to stare in confusion at the ceiling. In that moment, Lucy was torn between running away from it all, just leaving him behind and saying to hell with her promise; or crawling into the hospital bed and holding him, begging him not to do anything like that again.

Within seconds, there were tears in his tired eyes when he finally looked over to find her sitting by his side. He was completely silent though. It was obvious that she didn't want an apology from him for the mistake he'd made.

Bickslow just couldn't understand any of it though. Why Lucy was still there, why she was still crying, or even why she had showed up at that shooting gallery. But it was the sight of her puffy eyes, the streams of tears running down her cheeks, and how scared she looked right then that broke him. He rolled away from her, his arms winding around his stomach as he curled in on himself. He didn't care that he was sobbing, or that she could hear him even though he was still trying to keep himself quiet. He'd tried so fucking hard, and he had still failed.  _'I'll never be able to stop… I'm broken… So fucking broken…'_

"Bickslow," the small totems hummed, cuddling up to the Seith mage. "You're not broken."

Lucy jumped when Bickslow's arms shot out, throwing all five of the totems against the far wall.

"J-Just leave," he cried.

"Bickslow, it's okay," they replied gently. "We're still here, alright?"

"I-I said fuck off!" he bellowed, his words ending on a choked sob.  _"I'm not worth it. Just go, babies. I'm setting you f-"_

"NO!" the totems shouted frantically, wriggling where they laid on the ground in an attempt to fly over to the bed. "Don't make us go! Please! Bickslow, come on. It's okay. Don't send us away… We love you…"

Lucy stayed silent, unsure of what to do as she heard his cries growing heavier. She wanted to comfort Bickslow, but she knew he loved his totems. And he'd thrown the little wooden baubles as though they were nothing more than garbage.

" _I don't want you to go, but you should. You should move on and be happy. You deserve better than me… All of you do… Just let me free-"_

"No! You promised you wouldn't leave us!" Pepe yelled.

"You can't go back on that!" Popo added.

"We made a deal!" Pupu screeched desperately. "We're with you for good!"

"Please, Bickslow…" Pipi whimpered. "Don't make us go…"

"You swore… You  _swore_  you wouldn't do that to us…" Papa seethed.

"J-Just another… broken promise then…" Bickslow couldn't bring himself to look at his babies as they laid so helplessly on the floor. "I'm not worth it… I'm n-not… J-Just go be happy. I'm g-gonna be alone anyway…"

He just knew that Lucy was going to leave him now. He'd seen it in her eyes when she caught him shooting up, how disgusted and horrified she was. And even now, even though she was still there, still sitting with him to make sure he was alright, Bickslow knew that she wouldn't stick around. He never deserved her affection, or for her to care about him in the slightest. He didn't deserve that small kernel of love that was nestled deeply in her soul just for him.

But, even though he'd tried to do everything right - to get clean and stay that way, to be a boyfriend instead of just some junkie that was using her as a crutch - Bickslow had failed.

"Guys, I'm s-setting you…" Bickslow paused as his throat caught on another sob. "F-Free… You're… Y-You're no l-longer bound to-"

Lucy's eyes widened as the totems on the floor began glowing a brilliant green, the wooden bits rattling as they skittered over the tile.

"Bickslow no! Don't send us away! Please!"

"I-I'm sorry, babies…" His eyes opened again, glowing the same green as his totems. They were better off without him, and he knew that. Really, he should have never collected the little souls to begin with. Instead of offering, and sometimes begging them, to be a part of his family, Bickslow should have forced the little souls to move on. They didn't deserve the pain he put them through. "You're n-no l-longer bound to-"

His eyes went wide as a small, familiar hand clamped over his mouth, forcing his head to turn and for him to roll onto his back. The only thing he could see was her eyes, how she was crying just as much as him.

"Don't you  _dare_  break that p-promise to them," she cried. "You don't g-give up on the ones you love! B-Bix… Why… Why would you want to hurt th-them?"

He didn't want to hurt them though. Not anymore. All Bickslow wanted was to make them happy, and there was no way for them to be happy with him. Finally, he shook her hand away from his mouth. "You d-don't get it," he whimpered. "I'm better off alone… I-I…"

Lucy knew in that moment that there was no turning back for her. Her heart ached at the hopelessness she could see sitting so plainly on his face. She wanted Bickslow to see that there was more to life than what he'd been through, and that couldn't happen if she left him. It would only solidify it in his mind that he was worthless, that there was nothing he could do to keep something good in his life.

Slowly, the blonde crawled into the bed, kneeling next to him and gently resting her hands on his cheeks as she brought their lips together again and again. "You're not better off alone, Bix," she whispered. "You're really not."

It had to be, hands down, the wettest and weirdest kiss Bickslow had ever had, with both of them crying and sniffling the whole time. The fact that Lucy was even willing to kiss him had yet another hopeless sob breaking in his chest.

"I'd  _never_  give up any of my spirits, Bix. No m-matter what," she whispered against his lips. "Your babies… They're your family, just like my spirits a-are mine. And you  _never_  give up on family."

"B-But, Lucy…"

"No," she sighed, pulling back just enough to look into his eyes. "I don't want you to give up. You can do this, Bickslow. You just have to believe you can." It hurt that he tried to push her away, but Lucy wasn't going to give up. If Bickslow couldn't, then neither could she.

He grimaced when she latched onto him instead of moving away, her head buried against his neck. "Why do you put up with me?" he asked. "You saw me do it… And I promised…"

All Bickslow ever did was break promises, and the ones he made to Lucy were so damn important that he couldn't understand why he couldn't just keep one. Just a single one. He promised to call her when he needed help, and that had only ever happened one time.

He promised not to do drugs anymore, but he still did it.

He promised  _himself_  that he wouldn't keep hurting her soul, and he already knew that the Reiki healing he'd done for her had been for nothing. Now that she'd seen just what it was that he did, there was no way she would forget it. "I promised I wouldn't…"

"Because I never give up," she sniffled softly. She slowly lifted her left hand, showing him her nails.

Bickslow's eyes widened at the sight of her pinky nail painted the same green as his was, while the rest were a vibrant hot pink.

"You're my green, remember?" she whispered. "It takes work to see who you really are, but it's worth it. You're  _amazing_  underneath all those layers."

Bickslow just couldn't seem to wrap his head around her nails being painted like his though. "You… Why'd you paint it like…"

She laced her fingers with his, being careful of the IV in his hand, then gently lifted their joined hands to show him their matching green nails. "Because you aren't the only one doing this," she said. "You're not alone, no matter how much you feel like you are. I'm here with you. Right here, and I'll help you."

He pulled in a slow, shuddering breath when she finally looked up at him.

"I believe in you, baby," Lucy smiled. "I  _know_  you can do this."

Bickslow shook his head in astonishment, then pulled his hand from hers and finally wrapped his arms around the blonde Celestial mage. Not a moment later, he activated his magic and felt his tears coming more forcefully when the little totems he'd been trying to get rid of darted through the air, instantly cuddling up to him and Lucy.

"I-I'm so s-sorry, babies," Bickslow whimpered.

"It's okay, Bickslow," they cooed. "We love you."

Lucy ignored the sound of the door to Bickslow's room opening, simply keeping her eyes locked on the blue polka dots of the hospital gown he was wearing.

Nurse Katya's gentle smile faltered when she saw the two mages lying on the bed together, both with tears in their eyes and openly falling. She had only come to check in on Lucy and see if there was anything the blonde needed, but she couldn't bring herself to interrupt the two when they were like this. Silently, she closed the door again while backing out of the room. If they needed anything, Lucy knew to just press the call button.

After several long minutes, Bickslow sniffled and let out a shaky breath. "I-I wanna do this, baby," he whispered. "I wanna try harder."

"That's good," she smiled up at him. "I know you can do it, Bix."

"Do… Do you think I could stay the night?" he asked uncomfortably. "I need you…"

"Of course," she nodded. "You can stay over any time you want to. You know that."

"But… M-Maybe…" He paused and bit his lower lip, his brow furrowing while he thought over just what he was asking for. He wouldn't blame Lucy if she told him no. "Just to… Just to, um…"

"He wants to sleep in the bed with you, Lucy," Papa finally said.

"Just to cuddle," the other totems added.

"How come?" she asked, looking up into his tired eyes and finding a light blush dusting his cheeks.

"I love cuddling with you… It… It makes things easier… A-And it reminds me that you're there…"

She gave him a teary smile, lifting her hand to swipe the tears from his cheeks. "Yeah," she whispered. "We can cuddle, Bixy. But first…" She wiped her own face, then took a deep, soothing breath while looking into his eyes. "I want to know why it happened. What was going on?"

He grimaced as he thought back to earlier that day. "I got off the train and went to make a reservation at some restaurant," he sighed, leaning his head back onto the pillows and closing his eyes. "I wasn't feeling too bad, but then I thought I saw Laxus. And I went after him, and he disappeared."

"Was he really there?"

He shook his head sadly. "I was hallucinating. And then I started freaking out a little bit and climbed up on a roof to calm down, because I thought people were staring at me…"

She frowned and lightly squeezed him around the waist.

"I don't really know everything that happened, but… I-I was hearing voices," he finally admitted. Bickslow had never told Lucy that he heard voices though. After what happened to him when he was still a kid, being locked in the hospital just because he'd heard Papa's voice when no one else could, it terrified him to think she would react the same way. "It doesn't happen all the time, just…"

"Auditory hallucinations?"

"Yeah. But, I'm not crazy. I know they're not real, it's just… When I'm going through withdrawal, it's like that's the only thing I can hear. And I can't focus when there's more than one."

"What do they say to you, Bix?"

"Different things," he winced. "Telling me I'm a piece of shit. Convincing me to shoot up. T-Talking about my, uh… My mom and dad…" He'd never told her about his past though, and Bickslow really didn't want to. He didn't want to dwell on it. "Or when I was hospitalized when I was a kid…"

When he looked back at the blonde, he found her head simply lying on his chest as her fingers drew slow, tender circles over the scars on his arm and around several bandages that were most likely covering stitches. He vaguely remembered there being glass on the ground where he was when she found him. "I don't wanna talk about that. I just… I didn't have it easy growing up."

She nodded in understanding, letting each slow, steadying breath bring her a little closer to some semblance of an equilibrium. "You can tell me about it whenever you want to, baby," she whispered. "I'm willing to listen, okay?"

"Yeah."

"Can you do something for me?"

"I wanna say yes, but all I ever do is break promises," he muttered. "I-I'm sorry, though… I never said that."

She shook her head and squeezed him again. "I don't ever want to see you in a place like that again, okay? Can you at least do that for me?"

"Yeah," he nodded, tenderly kissing her hair. "I can do that. I won't ever go back there."

"Or any place like it. If there are people shooting up, or doing drugs there, I don't want you around them. Please, Bix…"

He nodded again. "Yeah, Cosplayer. I won't go to places like that."

"And listen to your babies," she sighed while finally lifting her head to look into his guilty eyes. "They told me that they were trying to get you to call me, but you didn't listen. You could have died if Luther wasn't there, Bix."

He looked away in shame, sighing as she forced his chin back and waited until he was looking at her again.

"I'm really serious about it, okay? Your memory isn't the best, so you  _have_  to trust them."

"I do," he insisted. "It's just… It wasn't working. My hands weren't working when I tried to call you…" Finally he frowned and whispered. "I'm just making excuses, though… God, I'm a fucking idiot."

"No you're not," she smiled gently. "You made a mistake, and all you have to do is learn from those mistakes." When Bickslow nodded, she carefully sat up after pressing her lips to his. "Do you wanna scoot over? We'll stay for a bit and get some extra cuddles in until they kick you outta here."

"I don't wanna be in the hospital," he grumbled.

"I know, but they'll want to keep you for a little while to make sure you're alright." She couldn't help but laugh softly when he winced. "It's okay, Bixy. I'll stay the whole time. Scary Lucy will keep all the monsters away."

"There aren't monsters in the hospital," he chuckled while carefully moving over in the bed and rolling onto his side. Once Lucy was settled beneath the covers with him, and his babies had readjusted themselves, he pulled her just a little bit closer.

"Then asshole doctors," she shrugged. "I'm gonna protect my Bixy-buns. That way you can get some sleep." She loved the sight of him blushing and looking away from her bashfully. It was beyond adorable, even when he looked so damn tired. "You get some rest, baby. I'll be right here."

Slowly, his eyes slid closed, and she listened to his breaths even out as time ticked onward. She moved after nearly ten minutes and settled herself a little higher on the pillow they were sharing, pulling Bickslow's head to her chest and wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

' _I'm not giving up on him,'_  she thought.  _'No matter how scary this gets, I won't give up. He's opening up to me, and that has to be a good sign.'_  She couldn't let herself believe anything else.

* * *

_**The music sounds  
Like an underwater symphony** _

* * *

Lucy groaned into her pillow when she heard the lacrima sitting on her nightstand humming, the brightening of the little glass orb just enough to pull her into consciousness. A quick glance at her clock showed that it was nearly one in the morning.  _'Damnit, I have a job in the morning… Erza, I swear to god…'_ She sometimes regretted letting her team know that she had gotten a lacrima. But, with how busy everyone had been since Lisanna's return, Lucy had decided to let them know so they could get in contact with her whenever they were ready to take another job together.

It worked out, really, because there had been one day that she'd suggested taking Lisanna along instead so she could have a nice night in with Bickslow after he'd gotten out of the hospital. Apparently the job had been successful, and they really enjoyed having the Takeover mage along. But, Lucy needed to pay her rent, and so they had agreed to take a job together the next day. She didn't mind if Lisanna came along, but there needed to be enough there that she could get the money to her landlady before Christmas rolled around in another couple weeks. The money she'd made from that fight with Mittens had definitely helped to get her caught up a little more than normal, but she wasn't going to make a habit out of that.

Slowly, Lucy pulled her hand out from beneath her blanket and grabbed the orb. She had half a mind to not answer it, but she was already awake so there was no point in ignoring the stupid thing. Sending a small pulse of magic into it, she let out a heavy sigh. "Erza-"

"Baby," Bickslow whispered urgently. "Baby, I need you."

Lucy's eyes shot open at the sound of his quivering voice. "Bix? What's wrong?"

She could see a grimy tile wall behind him, but nothing else. "C-Can you come get me? I-I don't wanna be here."

"Where are you?"

"A convenience store by the playground. I-I'm in the bathroom."

Lucy sat up quickly and jumped from the bed, rushing across her room to pull on a pair of sweatpants and a jacket. "Tell me what's going on, Bix. I'm on my way."

He watched as she rushed out of her dark apartment, his eyes cutting over to bathroom door when he heard someone knocking to see if it was occupied. "Just a minute!" he called out. Returning his gaze to the lacrima, he whispered, "I-I'm hearing voices again. They keep telling me to do it, but… I-I don't wanna. Lucy, I need you…"

"I'm coming, Bickslow," she assured him. "Can you get out of there?"

"I'm scared I'll run into someone…" His free hand brushed over his face and up into his hair. "Shit… Shut up… Shut up…"

Lucy bit her lip while running down the street, watching worriedly as he visibly shuddered and curled in on himself just a little more. He still hadn't gotten a new visor - which meant he was using Loke's glasses for the time being to keep his eyes from hurting anyone while he had a new one made. But it also meant that she was able to see his eyes darting from one side to the other, how they would clamp shut when he was, she could only assume, hearing more voices.

She paused in her step and pulled out Loke's key, quickly summoning him to her side.

"Lucy," the lion spirit smirked. "Did you want to go for a romantic walk under the stars with me?"

"No," she sighed, dragging him along with her. "I need you to go to Bickslow and get him. Start bringing him this way."

"B-Baby, are you almost here? It's getting louder…"

Loke turned his head to look at the lacrima in her hand, his eyes widening when he saw the state the Seith mage was in. "Did he…"

"Not yet," she said. "Loke, please. Just go get him, and meet up with me. He won't leave that bathroom, because he's scared he'll go and do it."

Loke's eyes hardened and he gave her a sharp nod. While he might not like the fact that Lucy was being dragged into this, or that she had called him out after Bickslow had left her apartment a couple days after getting out of the hospital, just so she could sob into his shirt… The guy was trying. This, in itself, was proof that Bickslow was really making the effort to stay clean.

She gave him the directions, and Loke was gone. Moments later, he was walking into a convenience store and right over to the bathroom, ignoring the grumbling clerk who said some asshole was holed up in there.

Bickslow whimpered when there was a sharp knock on the door. "It's occupied," he called out.

"It's Loke."

The Seith mage scrambled from the closed seat for the toilet and threw the door open, still holding the lacrima that was connected to Lucy in his hand.

The Lion spirit let out a soft sigh when he was nearly tackled in a bone crushing hug, and simply wrapped his arms around Bickslow and gently patted his back. "It's alright," he whispered. "Let's get you to Lucy, okay?"

Bickslow nodded quickly and pulled away, looking down at the lacrima to see the blonde. "L-Loke's here, baby."

"Good," she sighed, slowing in her step just a little bit. "Meet me at the swings, okay? I need to sit down."

Bickslow nodded and cut off the connection, shoving his lacrima in his pocket while Loke led him out of the store. His hands clenched at his sides as the voices ricocheting from one side of his skull to the other started overlapping, the words garbled and distorted.

"It's good that you called her," Loke said softly. "She's worried about you."

"I know. I… Fuck, shut up!"

Loke's eyes widened when Bickslow stopped just as they walked into the playground. "Excuse me?"

"Don't talk about that. Don't… I-I said shut up!"

"Bickslow?" He took a small step closer, carefully placing his hand on the Seith mage's arm.

"I'm not doing it," Bickslow muttered to himself. "I'm not."

"That's good," Loke said slowly. "Look, there's Lucy. Let's go see her, okay?"

He nodded quickly as Loke grabbed his hand and started pulling him toward the swings. The same place that Bickslow had showed her the results of that STD test, just past the seesaw that they'd walked over in the rain.

' _Worthless… You idiot…'_

' _She'll leave-'_

' _Couldn't even-'_

' _Better to lock you up-'_

' _-you for-'_

' _-listen when it mattered.'_

' _-throw away the key.'_

' _-doing this to her.'_

' _Crazy Eyes for the crazy guy!'_

He collapsed to his knees right in front of the swings, barely feeling her arms as she knelt in front of him and pulled his head to her chest.

"Shut up," Bickslow whimpered. "I'm not crazy… You're not real…"

Lucy's brow furrowed while she gently rocked Bickslow from one side to the other, running her hands over his back and through his hair. "You're not crazy, baby," she whispered. "Can you hear me?"

Bickslow nodded, wrapping his arms around her. "I didn't do it, Lucy. I-I didn't do anything, I swear."

"Babies?" she whispered, looking up at Loke as he moved to stand a few feet away and give them some privacy.

"He's clean," the souls in Bickslow's charm bracelet replied. When he'd started hearing the voices earlier that night, Bickslow had done everything he could to just ignore it. Even though the little souls had been telling him to call Lucy, he had been adamant about not always leaning on her. Really, they were happy that he was trying to do it himself, but there were just some things that you needed help with.

"Sing a song with me," Lucy whispered to Bickslow.

"Why?"

' _Idiot. You should tell her about the time you possessed a toddler and almost got him killed.'_

' _Oh, or what about how you watched your mom having an orgy through the curtains when you were staying outside? Fucking creep.'_

"Because it'll take your mind off the voices," Lucy answered. "Sing with me, Bix."

_I'm singin' in the rain  
Just singin' in the rain…_

His eyes opened and he shifted to look up at her tender smile.

"Sing with me, Bix. Just you and me, okay?"

_I'm singin' in the rain  
Just singin' in the rain…_

She paused and raised her eyebrows when he was silent. "Your turn." His lips parted, and her smile widened as he quietly sang the next part of the verse, his voice shaking.

_What a glorious feeling,  
And I'm happy again._

"That's it, handsome," she laughed gently, singing along with him.

_I'm laughing at clouds  
So dark, up above_

Loke really couldn't help but smile when he heard the two mages quietly singing with one another. He might not have liked Bickslow in the slightest, but it was the sight of Lucy's eyes as they glistened with happy tears - happiness that he was sure all her spirits were feeling through their connection to her - and how she held Bickslow so tenderly while continuing to rock him back and forth on the ground that made him pause.

She wanted to help the Seith mage, that much was obvious. But Loke knew firsthand just how hopeless Lucy felt about what she was trying to accomplish. After getting him to the hospital the last time, he'd thought that she would have given up completely. But she just kept pushing forward, and her efforts were finally being rewarded.

Bickslow had realized that he really did need to make more of an effort to depend on her so he could get through this. He'd succeeded in asking Lucy for help, without her getting hurt. Loke realized that every other time she'd helped him in some way, she'd gotten hurt.

A slightly bruised sternum from lying on his totems with the Seith mage on her back, the first night she'd found him in that alley. Attacked by that junkie, and spraining her ankle while they looked for his babies. Broken ribs when he'd thrown her out of the tub to get to his destroyed needle. The black eye she was still sporting (that was perfectly concealed by makeup, courtesy of Cancer, every morning before she left her apartment) from brawling with Mittens just to find him.

_Let the stormy clouds chase  
Everyone from the place..._

Bickslow was seeing that if he called Lucy before shooting up, she wouldn't get hurt. She would be fine, and Loke just knew that the Seith mage cared about whether or not she was alright. He could see it in the man's eyes as they continued singing together.

Maybe Bickslow didn't realize it just yet though, but Loke was sure that he felt a whole lot more for the blonde than he let on.  _'He looks like he loves her… Maybe he just really appreciates her doing this for him though.'_

Either way, Loke knew that Lucy was going to have a long night ahead of her. So, he decided that he would take her place on the mission so she could be with Bickslow for the day and help him get through what was very obviously a rough patch. She wouldn't lose the money she would have made on the job, and could still pay her rent. Granted, she probably wouldn't like it, but he would just help her see that it was necessary.

"How's that?" Lucy finally whispered as Bickslow rested his head on her chest again.

"They're almost gone," he sighed. He had no idea how Lucy had figured out to do that of all things, but he wasn't going to ask her about it right then.

"Then sing with me until they go away," she said gently. "And then we can go have some hot cocoa and cuddles at my place."

He grinned and tightened his grip around her waist. "I'm singin' in the rain," he sang. "Just singin' in the rain…"

* * *

_**You came around  
I hear your voice say my name** _

* * *

Lucy and Bickslow were holding hands as they made their way to the harbor. S Class trials had come around, and even though neither of them were candidates, they were both going to be assisting their partners. Lucy and Cana. Freed and Bickslow. Even Evergreen was going, but had accepted Elfman's invitation to be his partner. Everyone in the guild knew that she and Freed were an item, so it was simply the only male Strauss offering an olive branch of sorts to try and build a friendship with the woman.

Cana hadn't been all too enthused that Bickslow was with Lucy the night she'd broken into the blonde's apartment. Oddly enough (to the Card mage), he hadn't said two words about her being there, and had simply gone into Lucy's room and curled up under the blanket. Lucy, for her part, had started getting used to Bickslow sleeping over, and she found it endearing that he blushed every time she said it was alright for him to sleep in her bed, as long as he kept asking. Which he did.

And so, as they got closer to the harbor, with Freed and Evergreen walking a few paces ahead of them, since they had all met up at a little cafe on the way for a small breakfast, Lucy pulled Bickslow toward a little alley, then peeked out to make sure no one saw them. Once she was sure they weren't being watched, she turned back toward him and bit her lip nervously.

"What's up, baby?"

"Bix, I want you to be honest with me, okay?"

"Sure," he chuckled quietly.

"Tell me if you have any needles right now."

His eyes widened and his body reflexively stiffened. "No," he answered. "I'm helping Freed with this. I can't take anything… You know that."

"I do," she whispered, taking a step closer. "But I also know that you prep them and hide them in your pockets before a mission."

"This isn't a mission though."

"No, but you'll be using your magic." She took another step closer. "I want to believe you."

"Then believe me. I don't have anything, baby."

"Empty out your pockets and prove it," she said, frowning as she held out a hand with her palm facing up. "Anything you pull out goes right here."

"You're acting weird," he muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Because I want to make sure you're not bringing anything with you," Lucy whispered.

"I said I wouldn't do it again, baby."

"And you've told me that before. I want to trust you, Bix. I really do. But, until I know that you're not going to lie to me about it, I have to do this." When his hands stayed in his pockets, she took a final step forward and pulled them out, reaching in the pockets herself and searching every single one.

One needle filled with clear liquid, capped and ready to go.

"This is what I mean, Bickslow," Lucy sighed.

"How'd you know?"

"You went out to pick up dinner last night," she whispered sadly. "You didn't notice that Popo stayed with me at the apartment. Your babies told me you met up with Axel on your way back."

Bickslow leaned back against the wall, and withdrew a second needle from a hidden pocket between his long blue skirt and the belt of his pants. "That's the last one," he said, his gaze locked on the ground in shame.

He knew it had been a stupid idea to get the shit in the first place, and it had taken every bit of willpower he possessed to not use it the night before. But, he'd reasoned that he would need it a whole lot more while they were doing this S Class shit. He wanted to be a good teammate for Freed. The Rune mage always worked so hard, and he really deserved this. Granted, Bickslow was also left wishing that he'd simply chosen Evergreen as a partner, so he could be left out of all of it. The pressure was too much, and he wasn't even the one that was trying to get the damn title.

But he knew, now that Lucy had the needles in her hand, that it was the right thing to do. He hadn't hallucinated or heard voices in the past couple days, and his withdrawal was tapering off a little bit so he could focus more. It still sucked, and he felt like ripping his skin off sometimes, but he did his best to ignore it.

So why had he lied about it? Bickslow knew he should have just told her the truth, handed them right over, and apologized for even thinking about using while they were gone. It was just so easy to spill lie after lie so she wouldn't be mad at him. What the blonde didn't know, couldn't hurt her…

Or, he realized, it could really fucking hurt her, and he would lose her for good. "You can check me head to toe. I only bought enough for two."

"Papa?" Lucy asked as the totem floated up to sit on her shoulder.

"With how little he spent on it, yes. I'd say it was only enough for these two needles."

"I'm… I'm sorry, Cosplayer," Bickslow winced. "I know I said I wouldn't do it again."

"You did," she replied while leaning against the wall next to him, the needles clutched tightly in her hand. "You've said that a lot. I just want you to know that I don't like having to check to make sure you're not lying to me, but I'll do it every day if that's what it takes."

He grimaced and nodded as his cheeks flared in shame. "I know. I don't want you to. I mean, it's not like I  _wanna_  lie to you, I just… I know you're gonna be pissed when you find out I've got it. And it always seems like the right thing to do, but… I need it. I can't do anything without it."

"That's not true, baby," she sighed. Lucy already knew that breaking his habit of lying to her about having drugs on him was going to be difficult, but several conversations with his babies while Bickslow was asleep had helped her quite a bit. She'd learned that Laxus used to constantly check the Seith mage for hidden needles, and a few other helpful hints about what Laxus did to keep Bickslow clean. "I've seen you when you're not on it, and you're amazing. Why do you think I agreed to go out with you in the first place?"

"Because of my sexy body?" he shrugged.

She turned a pair of narrowed brown eyes on him, watching as he shrunk in on himself just a little more. "Your sexy body is a perk," she muttered.

A small smirk pulled at his lips when she pushed off of the wall to stand in front of him. In a matter of moments, Lucy pulled off his visor and he was looking into her eyes.

She smiled at the slight flicker of green in his gaze. "You're a great person, Bickslow. When you're not on it, that's when I get to see the real you. Even when you're coming down, and you feel like ass and all you wanna do is sleep? I'd much rather be with that guy than when you're high."

His head dropped while he nodded. Really, he still couldn't understand just why Lucy had agreed to be with a fuck-up like him. Or why she stuck around. He knew for a fact dealing with his withdrawal was no walk in the park. And even if she was understanding and smiling, he was positive that it was stressing her right the hell out. So why? Why would she agree to be with him, when he couldn't even get rid of this habit?

Lucy gently pulled his hands up and wrapped them around her while tucking herself into his chest. "You don't need it, Bixy. I know it's hard, but you can do this."

"I just don't wanna let Freed down. He chose me as his partner, and I don't wanna be the reason he doesn't make S-Class. He'll blame me forever…"

She smiled as she felt his hands clenching into fists at the small of her back. "Freed's not like that."

"Yeah… I-I guess…"

"I believe in you, Bixy." She couldn't help but smile into the short, chaste kiss he planted on her lips once she was looking up at him again. The blonde lifted the two syringes so he could see them. "This stuff is toxic, and that's not what you need. You don't need to poison yourself to be happy, or strong, or powerful, or for people to like you. Because that's what you already have inside of you. Just  _you_. Just your soul and  _your_  magic. You only need to be yourself. And this stuff isn't who you are, right?"

With a small smile, Bickslow nodded. "Right."

"Good," she whispered, smiling back at him. "I know you can do this, Bickslow. I believe in you. You're already strong enough to get through it. You just have to believe you can do it too."

Bickslow's grip on the blonde tightened while he nestled his nose in her hair. "You're so damn good to me, Cosplayer."

"That's because of your sexy body," she crooned, giggling when he chuckled and kissed her gently. "Now you get out there, and I'll call Virgo to have her get rid of this. I'll meet up with you in a couple minutes."

He nodded in determination, pressing his lips to hers one more time before she stepped back. "I'm gonna try really hard this time, Cosplayer," he said as he put his visor back on. "I am."

Lucy sighed at the confident smile on his face as he walked out of the alley.

"I can do it this time," Bickslow whispered to himself. "I can do it."

The totems that were hovering around the Seith mage hummed in encouragement. "You can do it," they all whispered back.

* * *

_**And I hear everything differently now** _

* * *

Lucy waited until Bickslow and all five of his babies were walking away, then turned and leaned against the brick wall he'd just vacated while staring down at the needles. She wanted him to see that this wasn't the thing to do so badly, but every time it seemed like they were making a little bit of progress he seemed to slip back again.

She knew it wasn't going to be a cakewalk, and that he would have setbacks. Lucy knew that it had taken a long time for Laxus to get Bickslow clean for even a week. He was capable of it, but the Seith mage was struggling. She could see it though, his determination to keep going even when he was mostly unconscious on her couch, simply watching her writing her novel.

"Lucy, is everything alrig - What is that?"

Her head shot up and her eyes went wide in horror at the sight of Freed and Evergreen standing at the mouth of the alley and walking closer. Otherwise, she was frozen. She couldn't move her arm to hide the needles behind her back. Her tongue felt like it had swelled up to the size of a caravelle ship. She was sure her heart had decided to stop beating around the same time that her lungs froze in their ever-present quest for more oxygen.

Freed's keen eyes narrowed at the sight of syringes in her hand. "What is that, Lucy?" he asked again.

"I-I…" How she had managed to get even that single word out was beyond her.

"Lucy," Evergreen said softly, moving toward the blonde with more caution than if she was approaching a wounded Vulcan, "Is everything… okay?"

The blonde nodded shakily, her fingers tightening around the glass cylinders.  _'They'll want to know what this is. What do I tell them? It's saline? Maybe insulin? They'd want more answers… How long have I needed medication… I can't say it's…'_

"I took this from Bickslow," Lucy whispered.

The two Raijinshuu members drew back in surprise. "You… What is it?" Freed asked warily.

She couldn't tell them. She'd said that she would keep his secret. "M-Meth…" God, why was she doing this?! And suddenly, just that one word passing her lips had the blonde internally crumbling. She couldn't keep this secret anymore. Her spirits knew, but that was because Loke and Virgo had told them what was going on. Bickslow's babies had been the one to ask her not to tell anyone, and even though she felt like she was betraying their trust, and Bickslow's, it was eating her up inside.

She needed someone to lean on, and she knew that Bickslow needed more support. It was too much for her to handle on her own, being the one that the Seith mage turned to when he was struggling. His team should have known from the beginning. Lucy had thought as much when she was in the hospital with him, while he was still in a coma.

It shouldn't have fallen to her to pick up the pieces of his life and try to put him back together. She just couldn't be the only one trying. And really, Freed and Evergreen loved Bickslow. They deserved to know just why things were so hard for him, why he'd gotten so distant after Laxus left, why he disappeared. Why he would sleep for almost a whole day and have no energy. Why he was always so hyper and wild at the guild.

Freed, especially, deserved to know. Bickslow was going to be with him during the S Class trials, and she wouldn't be there to keep an eye on her boyfriend. What if something happened? What if his withdrawal got worse right in the middle of something?

"Wh-What?" Evergreen gasped. "Lucy-"

"I-It's meth," she whimpered. "He's been doing it for a long time. Since before he joined the guild. I-I've been… trying to help him st-stop, and… A-And…"

The brunette took the needles from her hand just as Lucy started crying, absently passing them to Freed before pulling Lucy into her arms.

"I said I-I'd keep his secret," Lucy cried. "But, I…"

"Shh," Evergreen hummed. "It's alright, Lucy…"

Freed frowned down at the paraphernalia in his palm, thinking back to medical texts he'd been reading while Bickslow was in a coma. "This can't be it," he said. "Are you sure it is not something else?"

"I'm sure," Lucy answered. "H-He bought it last night, so he could use it during the trial. I-It… He says it helps him. It's why I f-found him in an alley a week after Fantasia, and wh-why he was in that coma…"

Evergreen turned to Freed, reaching into the lapel of his jacket to pull out the handkerchief he always kept there. She carefully blotted Lucy's cheeks, then frowned down at the appearance of pale cream-colored makeup. When she looked at the blonde again, Evergreen gasped at the sight of what had to be the worst black eye she'd ever seen. "Lucy, what happened to you?"

"Meth users can become violent," Freed said as he took a step forward. "If this is what you say, and Bickslow was using it…" He didn't want to believe this about the Seith mage. There was just no way his friend could have been addicted to something like this for so long without any of them finding out about it.

"Did he hurt you?" Evergreen asked softly.

"No… It was just a fight with Mittens," Lucy sniffled, drawing back from the Fairy mage and bringing a hand up to lightly touch the injury. "After your last mission, Bix and I were supposed to go out, but he never showed up. I had to fight someone just to get information about where he might be… And we found him while he was overdosing…"

"What…" Freed shook his head, looking back down to the needles and feeling a sudden chill in his veins. "He was hospitalized?" he whispered.

"Yeah."

And suddenly, all the times that Bickslow had disappeared only to end up in a hospital came roaring through the Rune mage's head. How often Laxus had been the only one able to find him. Bickslow's strange behavior, so completely at odds with how he'd been before Laxus' expulsion. How he had been ready to leave the guild when he thought Lucy was going to break up with him for kissing another woman. The fact that he'd kissed someone that wasn't his girlfriend in the first place.

Even why they never saw him in anything other than a long sleeve shirt.  _'It's to hide the evidence,'_  Freed realized.

"Why would you not tell us sooner?" he finally asked. "We deserved to know."

"His babies asked me to keep it quiet," Lucy sighed, taking a deep breath to try and relax a little. "I told Bix I'd help him get clean, and… I wanted to tell you when he was in that coma, but…"

"But you gave your word," Freed supplied.

"I never promised," she corrected. "But, yeah. I don't break my promises, I just… I can't do this alone anymore."

"I need to speak with him about this," Freed said. "It is unacceptable-"

"No!" Lucy shouted, her mouth clamping shut a moment later. "Freed, please. He's trying to stop, okay?"

"Lucy, he should have told us," Evergreen said. "I want to know why-"

"Because of his father," Lucy said instantly. She wasn't going to give them all the details she'd gotten from Bickslow's totems, but just enough that maybe they could understand what was going on. "Bickslow never wanted to start using, but he was forced to… And, then he got addicted. He's trying though. It's why I took him back after he cheated on me."

"And he did that because he was high?" Evergreen whispered.

Lucy nodded, her eyes staying on Freed. "Freed, you can't confront him about this, alright? He doesn't want anyone to know, and ever since Laxus left it's been even harder on him just trying to keep it all together. Laxus was his whole support system before, and I'm trying to build him back up to that with me. I just… You guys deserve to know, so you can keep an eye on him."

"Keep an eye on him," Freed replied, "But act as though we don't know the truth? Why would we do that?"

"Because he's finally starting to realize that you guys are really his friends, and not just people he's on a team with," Lucy insisted. "We have to work at his pace, Freed. But, you can look out for warning signs if I'm not around. Like him being irritable. If he ever gets upset and just walks off, he's most likely going to find his dealer to make it all go away… Please… Freed, Bickslow needs your help, but he can't  _know_  that you're helping."

"Does he not trust us?" Freed asked. It hurt to think that the man he'd thought was his friend for so long, really thought so little of himself and Evergreen.

"Bickslow's scared of caring about people," Lucy sighed. She turned to look at Evergreen then. "He thinks he doesn't know how, and when people care about him and show it, he doesn't know what to do… The way he acts, all hyper and everything, that's him when he's high. He's the complete opposite if he's sober."

Both Freed and Evergreen were drawn back to the day after Bickslow and Lucy reconciled in Freed's living room, when the blonde had run through the snow just to find him. They each honed in on a memory of the Seith mage, how quiet he was, how he rarely smiled except for a small twitch of his lips. Even when he'd been feeding Lucy different spoonfuls of food, blushing while she tried them. How surprised he'd been that they cared about him.

The fact that they had never known about this, that someone they cared so deeply for was struggling with something so monumental, ate at the two of them. How could they have missed all the signs? It was all right there, in hindsight.

"So," Evergreen said slowly, "What do we do now?"

"Exactly what we have been doing, I imagine," Freed answered softly. "Lucy, I… When we return, we will need to discuss this. As it stands, we must get on the ship, and I am sure Bickslow should not be aware of this meeting…"

"Yeah," she sighed, singling out Virgo's key and summoning the spirit. After a quick greeting, she pointed to the syringes still in Freed's hand. "Virgo, I need you to get rid of it, please."

"He bought more, Princess?"

"He did…"

"Should I ask Cancer to come out and fix your makeup?"

Lucy blinked, then nodded. As Virgo took the needles from Freed and disappeared, she said, "Freed, you go on ahead. Tell Bix that Ever and I stopped at a store to get a little snack on the way, okay?"

"I will not lie," he answered firmly.

Evergreen gave him a patient smile. "We'll pick something up, Freed," she whispered. "You won't be lying to him. Just go be with him, alright?"

He finally nodded, leaning in to press a soft kiss to his girlfriend's lightly blushing cheek, then left the alley once Cancer appeared and started applying makeup to Lucy's eye.

"You might wanna make sure that's waterproof," Evergreen said, looking at the Crab spirit.

Once he was finished, Lucy looped her arm with Evergreen's and they walked out of the alley, checking to make sure no one could see them. They stopped at a small shop on the way, picking up a few pastries that would last the day to snack on, then joined the rest of their guild mates on the large ship. Thankfully, Natsu and Gray had yet to arrive, so they weren't the last ones there.

The two women made their way to where Freed and Bickslow were standing, and Lucy tucked herself into the Seith mage's side.

"Hey, baby," he smirked.

While Lucy felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from her shoulders after telling Freed and Evergreen the truth, she still felt guilt churning in her stomach at the thought of betraying his trust by confiding in them. "Hey, handsome," she whispered, wrapping her arms around his waist a little more tightly than normal.

"Everything okay?"

Lucy nodded as the Seith mage rested his hand on her lower back. She met his eyes through the slats of his visor. "When we're back home, could you take me to that field again?"

He blinked in confusion, then slowly nodded. "Reiki?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "I… I think it might do both of us some good."

Bickslow leaned against the railing he'd been standing next to, wrapping his arms around her more securely. "Sure thing, baby," he whispered, a sad smile barely twitching his lips. "Anything you want."

Freed and Evergreen looked at one another for a moment, both saddened as they came to realize that Bickslow had always shown signs like this, and they'd never thought anything of it before. But now that they knew the truth, neither of Bickslow's teammates would let him go through this alone, or only depending on Lucy. They had wanted to be there for him since Laxus had been expelled from the guild, and the knowledge of his addiction only firmed their resolve to do just that.

Bickslow wasn't only going to have Lucy to lean on any longer. Even if he wasn't aware of their support, Freed and Evergreen would be there for him as well. They wouldn't let him go through this alone, and they would help him along his difficult path to recovery.

That was what friends did for one another, and even though Bickslow hadn't realized that's what they were, Freed and Evergreen had always appreciated his friendship. Now, it was their turn to help him, to show that he was their friend, and that they loved him even with his faults. They refused to fail, no matter how hard it would be.

* * *

_**Never knew what love can do  
'Til I found you** _

 


	16. Won't Stop Running

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is:  
> A Great Big World: Won't Stop Running

 

__**Facing forward  
Lights out  
I won't stop running**

* * *

Freed found himself to be in a bit of a pickle concerning Bickslow. After the revelation of his addiction before getting on the boat, the Rune mage had been struggling to think of how he was supposed to handle it. And just what it meant as far as their team for the S Class trials was concerned. It didn't change how he felt about the Seith mage. They were still friends, no matter what.

But, it did have Freed considering whether or not he should try to make things a little easier on Bickslow, simply because he knew a little bit about the symptoms of withdrawal from abusing drugs. Nothing like meth, but in a more general sense. He definitely had no idea whether or not it would affect Bickslow's ability to use his magic, though.

They were the first ones off the ship, leaving Lucy and the rest behind in an instant. And as soon as the two landed on the shore of Tenrou Island, Freed knew what he was going to do. He wanted to be an S Class mage, to follow in Laxus' footsteps, but he had a duty to make sure Bickslow was alright as well. And if that meant putting his own aspirations to the side for the time being, then Freed would willingly do just that.

"So," Bickslow chuckled. "What are we doing?"

Freed looked at the different entrances scattered along the shore, his eyes narrowing in thought. Their best option was to go through the one that had no fighting, but there was just no way to determine which one that would be. If they could avoid the paths that led to the pitch battles against Erza, Mira Jane, or Gildarts, then things would be alright. Freed couldn't simply back down in one of those scenarios.

"This way," he finally said, leading the Seith mage down a random path. Hopefully it wouldn't end too poorly for them.

"Freed, man," Bickslow whispered, frowning at the tense look in the Rune mage's eyes. "You've got this shit in the bag. You know that, right?"

"That is very kind of you to say, Bickslow."

"I'm… Y'know, I'm glad you picked me."

Freed paused in his step to look up at the Seith mage.

Bickslow let out a heavy breath and crossed his arms over his chest, watching the green-haired mage through the slats of his visor. "I've been an asshole to you and Ever lately," he said. "And I know it's probably not a whole lot of fun to deal with me acting like that. It's just… Since Laxus left, things have been… pretty rough."

"This has been a difficult time for myself and Evergreen as well," Freed nodded slowly. "But that does not mean I would exclude you from this."

"No, but she's your girlfriend," Bickslow shrugged. "You could've chosen her and left me back in Magnolia." If the tables were turned, and Bickslow was the one up for promotion, he couldn't say with any certainty that he wouldn't have chosen Lucy as his partner because they were dating. Okay, and because he knew that her spirits were one hell of a force to be reckoned with.

Now that Freed knew the truth, he was glad he'd chosen Bickslow, and that Evergreen was teamed up with Elfman. It meant the Seith mage wouldn't be left alone while his teammates, and even his girlfriend, were on Tenrou. Bickslow's support system was all in one place, and that meant he needed to be there as well.

"I could have," Freed replied. "But I chose you instead."

"Can I ask why, though?" Bickslow whispered uncomfortably.

"Because you are my friend," Freed smiled. "And I trust you to support me in this endeavor, just as I will support you, should the need ever arise."

"Nah," Bickslow laughed. "You don't need to worry about anything like that."

"But I do," Freed said solemnly. He took a slow step forward, resting his guild marked hand on Bickslow's arm and searching the darkness behind the Seith mage's visor for his eyes. "Bickslow, if you ever feel as though you need someone to lean on, I am here for you. And Evergreen is, as well. You came to us when you were sick, when Lucy needed to take a job. You have no idea how happy it made us, knowing that you trusted us enough to care for you."

Bickslow internally cringed at the mention of him being sick. It had mainly been him coming down and going through withdrawal, with just a tiny cold in the mix. But Freed and Evergreen hadn't known about that. "Yeah, thanks for that, by the way."

"It was no trouble at all," Freed chuckled, turning so they could continue on their way. "Evergreen rather enjoyed babying you."

"I don't remember most of it."

"I will be sure to record the event in the future," he smirked. He missed the way Bickslow flinched at the mention of a repeat, but Freed was mentally cursing himself for it. Because he'd figured out what had really been going on with Bickslow during that time, now that he knew about the drugs. "I would rather you don't get sick again though."

"Me too…"

* * *

_**I don't know how much longer I can fake it  
That it's all alright, that I can do this alone** _

* * *

The two walked through an opening in the hall they'd been in, finding themselves in an open cave. No one appeared after a couple minutes, but there was an enchantment on the gated exit just opposite from them that wouldn't allow the two mages to pass.

"Looks like we've gotta fight another team," Bickslow winced. He really didn't like the idea of fighting against any of their guild mates. After Fantasia, he'd been telling himself that shit wasn't going to happen again.

"I understand exactly how you feel," Freed cringed. It was one thing all three remaining Raijinshuu members agreed upon. They didn't want to hurt their guild mates. But, this was a trial for the S Class exams, not Laxus' idea to wipe out the weaker members of the guild.

"If we're up against Cosplayer, do you wanna take her?" Bickslow asked suddenly. There was one thing he was sure of: he  _couldn't_  fight against Lucy. He'd hold back too much. She might hold back as well, and then she'd be upset for it if she and Cana lost. Bickslow didn't want to let Freed down, but if it was Lucy and Cana, he'd be screwed.

"I was thinking," Freed said with a thoughtful frown. "Cana has been trying to achieve S Class for years now."

"Yeah, and?"

"I believe this is her year to achieve that."

Bickslow's eyes widened in shock at the small smile on Freed's lips. "What? But-"

"I know," he chuckled. "I would like to become an S Class mage, but if we are pitted against Lucy and Cana, I think we should… let them win."

"You mean, just throw the fight? Just like that?"

"Well, we would have to make it believable," Freed smirked. "But, I think you and I can pull that off."

"How?"

"Bickslow," Freed finally grinned. "Your girlfriend is wearing only a bikini."

"Th-That really hadn't escaped my attention, Freed…"

The fact that the Rune mage could see Bickslow blushing was more than humorous, but he held himself back from actually laughing. He never would have imagined Bickslow, of all people, to blush like that at just the mention of Lucy in a bikini. Then again… That could be their ticket to success. At least, it would be successful for Cana's team.

"Well, I would say that you should just be yourself," he suggested. "Just hit on your girlfriend, as you would if we were at the guild."

That wasn't something Bickslow was sure he could manage. If he was high, it wouldn't be a problem, because he'd be more than willing to get his hands on Lucy's delicious little body. Hell, he wanted to do it sober, as well, but he just wasn't nearly as perverted while he was sober.

" _We can help with that,"_  the totems silently laughed.

Bickslow chuckled at just how eager the little souls were. If he'd learned anything over the years, it was that his babies could be counted on in a pinch. And they'd been with him long enough to know some of the ridiculous shit he'd say while high as a kite.

"What are you gonna do?"

Freed's smile was smug as he adjusted his cravat. "I will simply play to my strengths."

"Which is?"

He wasn't going to admit this to anyone else, but with his cheeks brightly flushed, the Rune mage said, "I will be picturing Evergreen naked…"

"How's that gonna…" Bickslow blinked in surprise when a thin trail of blood started trickling out of the Rune mage's nose. "Are you serious?"

Freed dabbed at his nose with a handkerchief and cleared his throat. "Yes. Now, all we must do is hope Lucy and Cana come through that doorway. Because I am sure a nosebleed will not work against Natsu, Gray, or Gajeel…"

"Probably not," Bickslow laughed softly. After a minute or two spent in silence, Bickslow found himself smiling at the man who was in the process of placing his blood-spotted handkerchief back in his jacket.

He really hoped that, no matter who came through that doorway, he would be able to live up to Freed's expectations of him. But, he couldn't help but remember what the guy had said. He would be there for Bickslow, if he ever needed it. And even though the Seith mage felt like his skin was crawling, and was fighting to keep himself from scratching anywhere, the knowledge that he had someone else he could turn to made him feel just a little better.

His eyes strayed to Freed's long green hair, then down to his guild mark. Bickslow was instantly picturing Evergreen's favorite green dress. Then Lucy's nails that she'd repainted the night before, to touch up her little green pinky nail. And finally, he looked down at his own nails, remembering how the blonde had repainted them before starting on her own.

Freed cast a sidelong glance at Bickslow when the mage sat down on a boulder to wait for their opponents to arrive. He was very obviously staring down at his hands, but Freed couldn't help but feel just a little intrigued when he noticed that one of Bickslow's nails was a bright, beautiful green instead of black like the rest.

"You changed your nail polish?"

* * *

_**And I know that life is what you make it  
But it's hard to see stars when you're always caught in the folds** _

* * *

Bickslow blinked in surprise and looked up to find the Rune mage standing before him, his eyes on his nails. "Oh… Lucy did it. She likes painting my nails for me. And she's a lot better at it," he chuckled.

"May I inquire as to why one is green?"

Bickslow nibbled his lip while looking back down at the nail in question. He'd never really considered what he would tell anyone if they asked why his nails were painted this way. It was pretty personal for him, in all actuality. He just didn't feel like Freed would understand if he said that it was a reminder for him. That he didn't need anything but who he was under all his layers.

Eventually, Bickslow simply whispered, "Just a reminder. Something Cosplayer told me about."

"I see," Freed nodded. "It is a rather intriguing shade."

Bickslow held up his hand. "It's almost like your hair," he smirked. "And a little of Ever's dress, I think."

"Lucy has quite the eye for colors."

"Yeah…" Bickslow's smile stayed in place when the sound of footsteps carried down one hall and through the cave. And once he heard two familiar voices, the Seith mage was hopping off the boulder to stand next to Freed. "Guess it's showtime, huh?"

"Indeed," Freed nodded. "Remember to make it believable, Bickslow."

"All I have to do is talk about my Cosplayer being sexy," the Seith mage grinned. "I won't be lying."

And in a matter of moments, the blonde Celestial mage and Fairy Tail's Card mage were entering the cave, staring at the two members of the Raijinshuu with slightly widened eyes.

"Hey, baby," Bickslow grinned.

While Cana rolled her eyes, Lucy blushed and gave him a cheeky grin. "Ready to get your butts kicked?"

"As long as it's you doing the kicking," Bickslow answered. He could tell she was thrown off by his sudden change in demeanor, but he would be sure to explain it to her later on. After this was all done. Because he knew what it looked like to the blonde - that he'd found a way to get high and was being a pervert like he was normally at the guild. That just wasn't the case this time around.

"If you would please," Freed said shakily, turning his head away from Cana and closing his eyes, "Put on some clothing, then we can begin."

"Are you kidding me?" Cana laughed.

As soon as Bickslow saw the Rune mage's cheeks flushing, he knew it was time to get started. Cana and Lucy wouldn't have it  _too_  easy, otherwise they would know something was up, but he decided to just have fun with it. He didn't have to fight against the blonde for real, and that was all that mattered to him. That, and the fact that he wasn't letting Freed down. The Rune mage was willingly forfeiting for Cana's benefit.

' _Next time, if he chooses me as his partner, I'm gonna be completely sober and not coming down or anything else. That's a year away… I can do it!'_

" _That's a goal we wanna hear!"_ the totems cheered silently.

" _Cosplayer's giving you quite the show,"_ Pepe chuckled.

"Open, Gate of the Ram! Aries!"

" _Mention her boobs,"_  Popo pleaded as the totems whirled around the blonde.  _"They're so perky!"_

" _Popo!"_ the others silently chided.

"Bounce a little more for me, Cosplayer," Bickslow cackled. His eyes widened when he was surrounded by Aries' wool. "What the hell is this fluffiness?! Baby, why - Oof!"

Lucy landed from giving the Seith mage a kick to the chin, pouting down at him. "Stop talking about my tits, Bix."

"Your ass, then?" he smirked while slowly standing up. He could tell by the way she'd kicked him that she was, in fact, holding back. "Babies! Baryon Formation!" Even though she was holding back, and he was as well, he had to make it believable. And he was more than thankful that the blonde dodged.

"It's a wall of bikini babes!" Freed shouted.

Bickslow chuckled while jumping away from the blonde's whip. "Freed lucked out, huh baby?"

"I'd say so," Lucy smirked.

"Lucy, take him out!" Cana yelled while setting up the cards to trap Freed and knock him out of the fight.

The blonde bit her lip and lashed at the Seith mage with her whip again. He continued dodging, jumping one way and another while sending his babies after her to attack. She still needed to conserve some of her energy, so Lucy started trying to sort out just what she could do to finally take Bickslow out once and for all.

The first thought that came to mind was wrong on so many levels.

It was playing dirty, but Lucy was running out of options. She lunged forward and broke through his babies, ignoring how they bashed against her sides and arms, then came to a stop just in front of her boyfriend.

Bickslow's feet stilled when Lucy jumped and she collided with his chest. Her legs wound around his hips, and he couldn't stop his hands from grasping her thighs to keep her against him, even as she kicked him in the back of the knee and his legs buckled. "Well, hey baby," he chuckled after landing on a particularly painful fucking rock.

"Bixy," Lucy crooned playfully. Her eyes flashed with excitement as she ripped his visor off, then she dove down and kissed him with everything she was worth. Based on the fact that he wasn't trying to feel her up, she knew that he wasn't actually high. Which could only mean that this was all an act. Whether it was because Cana expected him to be a pervert, or something else, she wasn't entirely sure. What the blonde  _was_ sure of as her tongue darted between his lips, was that this was definitely going to work.

Because she knew for a fact that, when Bickslow was sober, the times they kissed were mostly tame. And the few times that she'd gotten a little worked up and started moaning while they kissed, the poor Seith mage had been in a daze afterwards. He groaned against her lips as the kiss grew more heated, and the way his long, lithe tongue curled so wickedly around her own had the blonde growing more breathless by the second.

"Oooh," the totems cooed as Freed collapsed to the ground, twitching slightly from the lightning in Cana's spell. "Cosplayer and Bickslow, sitting in a tree!"

The blonde lifted her head, smiling seductively down at the slap-happy grin on Bickslow's face. She let out a low hum of contentment, her own smile showing through when she noticed the soft glow in his hazy eyes. "Sorry, baby," she whispered.

"... Huh?"

"Lucy!" Cana shouted. "That's not what I…" She paused and blinked in surprise when the blonde cocked a hand back and punched Bickslow right between the eyes, knocking him out in an instant. "... Meant…"

The totems fell to the ground, quietly giggling as they watched Lucy smile down at Bickslow and press a gentle kiss to his nose.

"Take care of him, babies," Lucy whispered while standing up and brushing herself off. "And make sure he stays with Freed."

"Sure thing, Cosplayer," they whispered. The blonde was one of the few people that knew they could still function if Bickslow was unconscious, so the little souls had to make sure Cana stayed oblivious to that fact.

"That was cold," Cana laughed as the blonde came to stand by her side. "And a little fucked up. I'm so proud of you."

Lucy laughed and threw an arm of the Card mage's shoulders as they walked to the opened exit. "It's the Lucy Kiss of Death. I only save it for the most heinous of enemies."

"Right," Cana smirked. "You just wanted to make out with your boyfriend."

"That was just a perk."

The totems sighed as the two women's voices faded, waiting for Freed to wake up once they were gone. And as soon as the Rune mage was groaning and sitting up, the five souls couldn't help but laugh. Especially not when he turned to see if Bickslow was going to be getting up any time soon.

"He's going to need a minute," Papa chuckled.

"Why is that?" Freed asked.

"Cosplayer was playing dirty," Pupu answered.

"She kissed him," Pipi tittered.

"Then punched him in the face," Popo added.

"Best way to get knocked out," Pepe finished.

"Pow! Right in the kisser!" the totems cheered together.

Freed laughed softly and moved to sit at Bickslow's side, then spent several minutes in silence, staring at what was one of the strangest smiles he'd ever seen before on the unconscious mage's face. "Bickslow, it's time to wake up…"

"..."

"Bickslow?"

"..."

"Good heavens," Freed whispered. "How hard did she hit him?"

"Not that hard, actually," the totems laughed.

"Then…"

"She nearly knocked him out just by kissing him."

Freed blinked in surprise, turning to stare in slight horror at the hall the girls had walked down. "I think Evergreen needs to have a talk with Lucy," he whispered to himself.

The totems watched with no small sense of amusement as blood began trickling from Freed's nose. A moment later and the Rune mage wilted to the ground, knocked unconscious by just the thought of his own girlfriend kissing him that way.

* * *

__**Every night in my mind it's a fight  
But I won't stop dreaming  
'Cause this isn't over**

* * *

Lucy was just as ecstatic as everyone else that they were all safe. Grimoire Heart had brought their guild to the brink of destruction, but now everything was calming down once again.

And she had to hand it to Laxus… The guy had some really great timing.

Still, even though the blonde was smiling while watching the Raijinshuu tackle the Lightning Dragon Slayer to the ground, it was just how desperately Bickslow was clinging to him that made her blood boil. It wasn't from jealousy, because Lucy knew just how important Laxus was to all three of them.

It was just pure, unadulterated anger. Bickslow had needed Laxus more than ever in the past couple months, and he'd pulled not one, but  _two_  disappearing acts. Things had been getting worse for the Seith mage, even though she was doing everything she could to work through it with him. And she was sure that he'd hit rock bottom when Laxus had been expelled.

The second closest to that was when Bickslow had tried to leave everything, because of kissing Felicia in the club.

And now, even though Laxus was trying to tell the three to get off of him, she could see that he was happy to be back. Even if he was still expelled, the blonde could tell he'd missed the Raijinshuu.

That did not, however, stop her from breaking away from Cana and storming over to the happy little group when she realized that Bickslow was in tears. Over her dead body was Laxus going to be the reason for Bickslow's tears. Not anymore.

"Lucy!" Evergreen gasped when she was ripped away from the dogpile.

"Laxus is back!" Freed grinned. "Lax - What? Lucy!"

Bickslow grunted when he was pushed to the side, his eyes widening in shock as Lucy glared down at Laxus.

"Uh… Blondie?"

"Come with me," she hissed, her teeth nearly grinding together. "I've got something to talk to you about."

When Laxus didn't actually move in the slightest, everyone froze at the sight of Lucy reaching down and roughly pulling on his ear, then dragging him away from the camp that had been set up.

"Ow! What the fuck, Blondie?!"

Bickslow's mouth opened and closed for several seconds until he realized just what Lucy was doing. And what she was about to do.  _'Fuck… No, not here!'_

"What is she doing?" Freed frowned, watching the two blondes disappear into the tree line.

"Uh," Bickslow whispered. "I-I'll go find out, okay? You just… You guys stay here. Have Wendy heal you. Yeah, that'll work…"

Evergreen's brows drew together while Bickslow scrambled to his feet and ran off after Lucy and Laxus. She turned to look at Freed, seeing the understanding flash in his eyes as he looked back at her. "You don't think this is about…"

"It must be," he said, shaking his head. "Laxus knew about it before he left. I can only assume Lucy will want to discuss… some things… with him."

"Discuss?" Evergreen snorted. "She looked like she was going to rip his skin off and wear it, Freed."

"That is vile, Evergreen."

She rolled her eyes and shifted to lean against his side. "I think we need to talk to Laxus, too. Not right now, but… soon. About all this stuff with Bickslow."

"Yes," Freed sighed. He lightly kissed her hair, forgetting for the time being that they were around their guildmates and not just Lucy and Bickslow. And not noticing the looks of surprise that several of their guildmates gave the two of them - specifically, Mira Jane - because they just never displayed their affections for one another in public. Slowly, the Rune mage looked into the tree line where the three mages had gone. "I have a great many questions for Laxus…"

* * *

__**Falling backwards  
Hands tied  
I won't stop running**

* * *

Bickslow rounded a corner and found Lucy letting go of Laxus' ear, then whirling around to rip into him. He knew what was coming. He really did. The Seith mage had seen her yelling at her teammates enough to know just what the face she was making meant. Her bright brown eyes were burning as though possessed by Natsu's flames. The way her lip curled in anger and disgust reminded him of the faces Erza made sometimes, and were just as scary.

"You're a right fucking bastard, you know that?" Lucy seethed.

"Uh," Laxus mumbled. "What?"

"You-"

"Lucy!" Bickslow shouted. "Don't do this!"

The blond Slayer tilted his head in surprise as Bickslow bounded over to the Celestial mage, his arms instantly wrapping around her.  _'What's this? Bix is hugging someone?'_

"Please don't do it," Bickslow whispered desperately. "N-Not here… It's hard enough. I'm trying really hard, remember? I'm  _trying_."

Lucy sighed against Bickslow's chest and slowly slid her hands along his sides until they were clasped at his back. She could feel him trembling, and heard his shaky breaths as they feathered over her hair. "Bix…"

"Please, baby," Bickslow whimpered. "Someone could hear you, and… and it's our secret, right?"

"Bickslow," Lucy sighed. "Just-"

He shook his head quickly, tightening his grip on the blonde. His hands clenched around the tattered fabric of her dress - when she'd changed clothes, he wasn't entirely sure - before loosening and clenching again. "Just for right now," he whispered into her hair. "Not here, okay?"

Finally, the blonde sighed in resignation and gave a small nod. She drew slow circles over his back and pressed her lips to his chest. "Okay, Bixy. Not here."

"Thank you…"

"But he's gonna hear this eventually," Lucy said a little more firmly.

Laxus watched as Bickslow nodded, and officially felt like a little fucking kid right then. It was almost like he'd been told to wait for a punishment until his grandfather came home - which had happened from time to time, and was really a whole lot more nerve-wracking than he wanted to admit. He just couldn't understand what the two were talking about though. Or even why the little blonde was holding onto Bickslow just as tightly as the Seith mage was holding her. He especially couldn't place the amount of fear that he was smelling from Bickslow. Just what the hell was he so scared of?

"Is this about…" Laxus frowned when Lucy's eyes slowly opened and she turned her head toward him. He just didn't have a clue, though. "Uh, Bix? What the hell is going on?"

He really wanted to know why the little blonde looked like she was going to eat his goddamn soul if he made one wrong move.

* * *

_**I'd rather be the one that starts the fire  
Than to shut my mouth and be the one who gets burned** _

* * *

Instead of saying anything, Bickslow was silent. His eyes were closed and his head stayed lowered as Lucy pulled away. A moment later, she was grabbing his hand and yanking him forward, shouldering past Laxus.

"Like you fucking care," Lucy sneered. "Stupid fucking hypocrite."

Laxus could understand that emotions were running high for everyone, especially with the shit they'd just had to deal with. But this was more personal than that. He could tell it wasn't about the Fantasia thing, that much he was sure of. And, of course, Bickslow hadn't said a thing to him. It had been great to see the Seith mage smiling when they'd all reunited. And Laxus was so damn sure that he'd done the right thing in leaving Bickslow in the team's care. But where, exactly, did Lucy fit in all of this?

With that one thought in mind, and getting just a little pissed that he was being ignored, Laxus turned and stormed after Lucy and Bickslow. He reached out and wrapped a hand around Bickslow's arm, pulling him to a stop. "Man, you'd better stop and fucking talk to me."

The Seith mage gulped and turned to look at Laxus over his shoulder, cringing when he saw those stormy eyes crackling with anger.

"Tell me what the hell she's going on about," Laxus scowled.

"W-Well, uh…" Bickslow slowly pried his arm away from Laxus' grasp. "I mean… It's just that… U-Um…"

"Bix," Lucy said softly.

"Quit fucking beating around the bush, man," Laxus growled. "What's her fucking problem? Or yours, even?"

"I-I can't do this right n-now..." Bickslow shook his head and took a step away from Laxus, lowering his gaze as Lucy moved to stand in front of him. It was one sure fire way to make him feel like a damn coward, but Bickslow didn't care right then. He  _was_  a coward.

Laxus ignored Lucy to stare at the Seith mage, taking in the way his shoulders hunched forward just a little. How he was curling in on himself. He could hear Bickslow's heart racing, and that was when he noticed that he was clenching his hands over and over again. "Bix," he said sternly. "What. The fuck."

"Laxus," Bickslow sighed.

"Are you on it again?" The familiar sight of Bickslow wincing and shaking his head a little too quickly had Laxus groaning in exasperation. "You're fucking  _kidding me_ , right?" he nearly shouted.

"I-I…"

And just like that, everything made a little more sense for Laxus. The way Bickslow was acting was so far away from the norm, it wasn't even funny. This wasn't how he normally was while high, but maybe he'd just gotten a slightly different batch. There were just too many possibilities with the Seith mage's addiction.

And he couldn't help himself. He got pissed about it. It was as though Bickslow wasn't even trying to stop himself. Laxus sure as hell hadn't forgotten the call to bail him out of jail, and while he'd regretted it more and more every day after the fact - knowing that he shouldn't have gone and that it would have done Bickslow some good to stay locked up for a little while - he'd needed to make sure his friend was doing okay.

Freed and Evergreen were supposed to be taking care of Bickslow now, but they were obviously not doing what he needed them to. And even then, Laxus knew he couldn't come back and fix things.

"You can't keep doing this shit, man!"

"I'm not on it right now though!" Bickslow shot back. "I-I'm clean!"

"You can't fuckin' lie to me, Bix! That's all you ever do! How am I supposed to believe you right now?"

"L-Laxus, I'm sorry! I don't mean to-"

"You always fucking say that!" Laxus ran an agitated hand through his hair. "Lemme guess, you shot up right before getting on the boat, right?! Then again during the fucking trials? I can't smell it on you, but that doesn't mean anything."

"Laxus, I-I'm telling the truth!"

"Bullshit! But y'know what? You obviously don't want any fucking help, so-"

"That's enough!" Lucy bellowed, silencing the two men in an instant. She turned angry eyes toward Bickslow, a deep scowl on her face. "Bix, you don't have  _anything_  to apologize for. Not to him."

"Cosplayer…" He took a small step back when her gaze only hardened, lowering his head and giving her a short nod.

"And  _you_ …" She turned a venomous glare back to Laxus. "You don't have a clue of what's going on with him, so you can just shut the hell up with your lecturing bullshit! That's not what Bix needs right now!"

"How would  _you_  know what he needs?" Laxus spat. "Do you have any idea what we're even talking about?"

"Do  _you_  have any idea how many times he's nearly died from overdosing since you left?"

Laxus' jaw clamped shut at that.

"Exactly. I know for a fact that he's sober right now, because I took his needles away before we left the port," Lucy said. "So, if you'll excuse us… I need to take care of my fucking boyfriend. Unlike you, I actually give a shit about what happens to him. Just… go spend time with Freed and Ever, or something. Leave Bickslow  _alone_. It's what you're good at, right?"

* * *

_**Yeah "it is what it is," but I wanna go higher  
'Cause I felt it once before** _

* * *

Laxus stared in shock as Lucy turned and led Bickslow further into the woods, and away from where the camp was at, with her arm gently wrapped around his waist. "... Boyfriend?" he whispered, staring at their retreating figures.

Something bumped into his arm, and the blond Slayer looked down to find Papa hovering just next to him.

"What the hell has been going on while I was gone?"

"It's a long story, Laxus," the totem sighed.

"Bix is dating her, though? Like… for real…?"

"Yes. And Lucy has been trying to help him with this since you left."

"He told her about it?"

"It was a little hard to ignore when she found him nearly dead in an alley, Laxus."

"What the fuck? Papa… Why the hell was he overdosing in a fucking alley? I'm starting to think he's just trying to fucking kill himself."

The totem sighed and started to float toward where Lucy and Bickslow were at, then paused and turned toward Laxus. "A lot has happened in the past two months, Laxus," he said sadly. "And Bickslow doesn't need to have anyone yelling at him right now. She's helping him."

"But…"

"You should go and talk with Freed and Evergreen. Bickslow hasn't realized it yet, but me and the others know that Lucy told them before we left town. I'm sure those two want to know why they didn't hear about it from  _you_  before you left the guild."

"But, I…" Laxus' eyes widened slightly as he was hit with the sudden realization that he hadn't actually told Freed and Evergreen anything. He'd been so sure they would figure it out for themselves, since he wasn't going to be around to keep covering it all up for the Seith mage. But one thing he'd overlooked was that Bickslow was really good at hiding his drug use. Hell, the only reason Laxus had found out was because he'd caught Bickslow in the act all those years ago.

If the other two members of their team hadn't figured it out by now, even with all the signs and the times that Laxus hadn't completely covered Bickslow's ass, then they never would have.

Not until it was too late, most likely.

"Shit…"

"Go talk to them, Laxus," Papa said, turning away once again. "Lucy is taking care of Bickslow now. She'll help him calm down again."

"Papa, can you just-"

"I won't apologize for you," the little soul said. "You might not have known this before, but Bickslow doesn't handle it well when people yell at him. And the fact that he's been clean for almost two weeks now is proof that Lucy's getting through to him."

"Two weeks?"

Papa simply bobbed in the air for a long moment. "She's taking a different approach to this than you did, and I think it's working better for him. She doesn't yell at him, and Lucy builds him back up, rather than making him feel worse about what's happening."

"Papa, you know I care about him," Laxus frowned. "I probably don't always handle it the best, but I tried…"

"And he appreciates that you did that for him," Papa replied. "But, Bickslow never wanted to be on drugs in the first place."

"Why would he start, then?"

"We never told you, did we…"

"Told me what? You guys only talked to me when I asked you shit. Or if it was necessary."

If the little soul could have, he would have winced in regret. "Then this is just as much our fault," he finally sighed. "We should have told you about his past. Maybe that would have helped you understand what he's trying to deal with."

"So, tell me now."

"You should go and see Freed and Evergreen, Laxus."

"Papa, come on," he groaned. "Don't just give me a hint about something and then float away."

"If you're ever able to come back to the guild, and you're serious about helping Bickslow stay clean, then we'll tell you. There's no point in talking about it right now, because your friends want to spend time with you while they have the chance."

"Papa…" Laxus sighed as the totem shot off through the air, leaving him alone in the forest. He could hear Lucy and Bickslow from where he was standing, and that was when Laxus realized just how differently he and the Celestial mage handled Bickslow's issues.

The fact that she was talking so quietly was a surprise, especially since he remembered just how loud she'd been in the guild the few times he'd seen her with Natsu.

* * *

_**I believe the tables will turn** _

* * *

As he walked back through the forest to find Evergreen and Freed, Laxus found himself frowning at the ground in thought. Just what had made Fairy Tail's Celestial mage agree to go out with Bickslow in the first place? What he was really curious about though, was how she could stay with the man even while knowing that he was addicted to meth.

There was either something very wrong with her, or she was a damn saint. Considering the way Papa had talked about her, Laxus was tempted to think it was the latter.

' _Maybe she's a better candidate for helping him, after all…'_

"Laxus," Freed said softly as the Lightning Slayer returned to the camp. "Where are Lucy and Bickslow?"

"He's upset about something," he grumbled. "She's talking to him."

"Well, we need to talk to you," Evergreen said softly. "About Bickslow."

The Lightning Slayer sighed and looked at his two former teammates. "I'll make you a deal, okay?"

"We are listening," Freed answered after giving Evergreen a short look, silently asking her opinion.

"After everyone leaves and heads back to the guild, I'll meet up with you guys. Freed, if it's alright with you, I'll come over and we'll talk it all out then."

"Now probably isn't the best time," Evergreen nodded.

"Exactly," Laxus replied. "I'll talk with you guys, and… I'll ask Gramps if it's okay for me to at least stick around Magnolia for a little bit. I wanna keep an eye on Bix."

"So, you are aware that we found out about it," Freed sighed.

"Yeah, Papa told me."

"P-Papa?" Freed gasped, his eyes widening. "But Lucy said… Oh, dear."

"He said Bix doesn't know," Laxus shrugged, his eyes narrowing. "What did Blondie say to you?"

"Bickslow wants to keep it a secret," Freed said softly. "She says that he'll tell us when he's ready."

"And she told you, because…?"

"Because we found her holding…" Evergreen paused and winced. " _Something_  she took from him. And Lucy kind of started crying…"

"She needed someone to talk to," Freed continued. "I do not blame her for needing some help with this. No one should have to handle it alone. And she said we should have known from the beginning, so we could help him as well."

"Which, we should have," Evergreen huffed.

"But, now that we know, we can keep an eye out for the signs. Bickslow can tell us when he's ready, and we will support him."

"Good," Laxus nodded, turning his gaze toward the camp and watching as his former guildmates talked with one another. "Do we have a deal, then? We'll hash this out when we get back to Magnolia."

"Yes," the two Raijinshuu members nodded.

"Good. Now…" The Lightning Slayer smirked slightly as he turned back to Freed and Evergreen. "Why, exactly, does it smell like you two have been fucking?"

"L-Laxus!" Evergreen screeched.

"O-Oh, dear…" Freed whispered.

"I want details," Laxus chuckled. Watching the two sputter uncontrollably in front of him was something he would never get tired of. He'd missed this more than anything in the past few months. He missed the guild, his grandfather, and everything else. But, most of all, he missed spending time with his team.  _'I hope Gramps will let me stick around for a little while… Even if I can't come back to the guild yet.'_

* * *

_**I wanna love and be the one who is loved** _

* * *

Lucy found a fallen log and carefully sat down beside Bickslow on top of it, sighing as his arms instantly wrapped around her. "It's okay, baby," she whispered.

"Cosplayer, I'm so sorry…"

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," she said, reaching up to pull off his visor. "Laxus had no right to talk to you that way."

"But, he's right…"

"About what?"

"I'm always lying to everyone," Bickslow whispered. "I don't blame him for not trusting me…"

"Bix, it's okay," she insisted. The position they were in was a little on the awkward side, since he was curled off to his side just to be able to rest his head on her shoulder. Lucy slowly shifted and crawled into Bickslow's lap, smiling as she made sure to sit on his legs, instead of right against his hips. The blonde pressed her fingers to his chin, gently guiding his face up so she could smile down at him. "You told me the truth before we left."

"B-But I was hiding those needles… I  _tried_  to lie to you…"

"And your babies told me that you've had to do that for a long time," she said. "I understand. But when I looked for myself, and I found those needles, you told me the truth. I just had to call you out on it."

"It's still lying."

"And you're  _still_  trying to get better," Lucy whispered tenderly. "It's not gonna happen overnight, Bix. You're doing just fine."

Bickslow frowned and pulled his chin away from her fingers, then leaned down to rest his forehead on her shoulder. While he was glad she'd moved so they could both be more comfortable, it just didn't feel like the right time for Lucy to be putting herself in a position like this. It was too damn intimate, that was for sure. And even though he was sober, and he wasn't going to try anything, if someone walked by…

"What are you thinking right now?" Lucy asked.

"That I'm a fuck-up and you should run the hell away from me."

"I'm not going to do that."

He bit his tongue to keep the venomous reply back. It wasn't him that really wanted to say anything like that to her, that she was a lunatic and needed to get herself checked into a mental hospital. But, it was more of Bickslow hoping he could find a way to push Lucy away from himself. He knew that she would be happier without him in her life. Laxus had looked like he was pretty damn happy, and then… As soon as he'd found out that Bickslow hadn't stopped using, he was right back to looking pissed all over again.

"Baby, why can't I just do something  _right_  for a change?" Bickslow muttered.

"What do you mean?"

"I just keep fucking everything up. Laxus looked so… And then with you… And, I just…" He sighed and shook his head again. He knew what he wanted to say, but he just couldn't find the words for it all. Maybe he didn't know enough in the first place to explain just how big of a waste of space he really was.

"Bickslow, I want you to listen to me, alright?"

The Seith mage gave her a slow nod, his arms barring around the blonde a little more tightly when she tried to pull back and look at him.

"No matter what's happened in the past. No matter how many stupid decisions you've made while you were high, or just to get more of it. You are _not_  a fuck-up. You're not worthless, and you sure as hell aren't wasting my time or anyone else's by asking for help to stop doing this."

"But-"

"I'm not done," Lucy said tenderly, smiling when he let out a long huff against her shoulder. "I think it's really brave of you, doing something like this. It's hard for you, that much is obvious, but I'm always so proud of you when you ask me for help. You could be trying to do this all on your own, and that would be fine too. But it's the fact that you're willing to lean on other people, instead of just shutting us out, that makes me so, so happy and proud."

"You're just saying that," he grumbled.

"I'm not," she laughed. "You're doing this, and you're getting better every single day. And when you slip - whether it's just buying it, or going through with using again - that doesn't mean I'm going to just up and disappear like Laxus did. I'm here to support you, baby."

"Even if it scares the hell out of you? Seeing me in a hospital… like that one night?"

"Even then," Lucy nodded. "I didn't leave you then, and I'm not leaving you now."

"This isn't even about me using right now, though," he frowned.

"No, it's about that little cockgoblin you call a best friend being a downright asshole when he has  _no_  room to talk," Lucy said. She took a slow breath, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, sifting the fingers on one hand through his hair. "I won't get on his case about it right now, because I told you I wouldn't, but I'm  _going_  to talk to him."

"If you want, I guess…"

"Bix, someone has to make Laxus understand what he did to you by leaving like that."

"But Freed says he had to go," Bickslow countered. "It wasn't like he could have stayed just because of me."

"True, but Laxus also made you feel like no one cared about you. After all of that, he just ditched you. I know it's not something you want to hear, but that's what I was getting at before.  _I'm_  not going anywhere, so I don't want you starting to think that, just because you're seeing Laxus, when he leaves, then I will too."

"I wasn't thinking that at all…"

"Just trying to nip it in the bud now, baby," she whispered. Her lips puckered against his scalp and the blonde simply held her boyfriend for several long minutes in silence. "Are you gonna be alright?"

"I guess…"

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I need some drugs," he muttered. "I feel horrible."

"Just your body, or everything?"

"... Everything."

"Well, you could give me a  _'Yay, we survived a Balam Alliance attack! Welcome back and thanks for not dying out there'_  kiss," Lucy laughed. "I bet that would make you feel better."

"The last time you kissed me, you punched me in the face," Bickslow chuckled.

"You liked it."

"I liked kissing you, baby. Not so much the punching."

"Well," the blonde crooned. She reached down to gently grab his hands, nibbling her lip while moving them down her spine until he was cupping her ass. "I have no intention of hitting you this time."

Bickslow blinked several times while looking up into her eyes, then gave the blonde a small squeeze that resulted in her squeaking in surprise. "Well then," he smirked. "Welcome back, baby."

Lucy grinned and sifted her fingers through his hair, slowly bringing their lips together. One kiss led to a second, and third, with each one more passionate and breathtaking than the last. "I'm glad you're safe," she whispered, moaning as his tongue plunged between her lips.

"Same here," he rasped. Bickslow pulled the blonde's hips closer as the minutes ticked by until the only thing keeping them apart was their clothing. "Mmm… So glad…"

Lucy gasped when she felt the fingertips of one of his hands gliding up her side. She kissed the Seith mage more insistently when he barely grazed the side of her breast before continuing upward to caress the back of her neck. She was so lost in sensation, so completely overwhelmed by what Bickslow's tongue was reducing her mind to, that the blonde didn't hear someone walking through the brush on a direct path toward them.

"Whoa! Sorry about that!"

Lucy drew back in surprise and turned to see Gildarts smirking while standing a few feet away from them. "Oh! Uh… Hi, Gildarts."

"How's it goin'?" he chuckled.

She looked back down at Bickslow, then blanched when she saw his face was a bright red and his eyes were starting to glow. Without another thought, Lucy threw her hand over his eyes and gave the Crash mage an embarrassed laugh. "Pretty good, I guess."

"Is he alright?" he frowned.

"Yeah," Lucy said a little more easily. "His visor's not on right now."

"I see that."

Bickslow cleared his throat, but didn't stop the blonde from covering his eyes. "My magic is unstable sometimes," he said. "Lucy's making sure I don't hurt you on accident."

"Well," Gildarts chuckled good-naturedly, "If it's any consolation, I'd lose control of my magic with a girl like her in my lap, too."

Lucy choked.

"Glad I'm not the only one, then," Bickslow laughed, his tongue lolling from his mouth.

"Nope. You guys have fun. Oh, and don't forget to use protection. Tenrou's divine, but not  _that_  divine." With that, he walked off and continued on his way down toward a nearby lake to get a little rest.

"Oh my god," Lucy whispered, failing to stifle a laugh.

"Well, that was awkward," Bickslow muttered, smiling up at the blonde when her hand moved away from his eyes.

"We should probably get back to the camp though," Lucy sighed. "Before someone thinks we're fucking in a bush."

"I would never fuck you in a bush," he pouted.

"A tree, then."

The Seith mage hummed in thought, still holding the blonde against him. Finally, he smirked and nodded while bringing his lips to hers again. "Definitely in a tree. I've got great balance."

"Did you just offer to fuck me in a tree?"

"I did," he laughed. "Y'know… if that was something you wanted."

Lucy rolled her eyes and kissed him tenderly. "I'll keep that in mind, baby." That was something she hadn't been anticipating him talking about, but Lucy had never considered just how good Bickslow's balance was before. In the event they ever really got to that point in their relationship, she might just have to take him up on that offer. For the time being, though, the blonde was perfectly content with sitting in his lap and feeling only his lips moving over hers. Just a few more minutes alone couldn't hurt, so she was just going to stay right where she was.

* * *

_**No I won't stop dreaming  
'Cause this isn't over** _

* * *

Lucy collapsed to her knees, tears welling in her eyes at the sight of Acnologia ascending from the water again. She could barely hear what the others were saying as they tried to form some plan to defend themselves and the island against its breath attack.

There wasn't going to be enough time, though. She knew that. And for the first time in her life, the blonde was losing hope. This was going to be the end for all of them, and there wasn't anything she, or anyone else, could do to stop this.

Gildarts had mentioned that he'd fought against this dragon before, and while she looked at the man with her tear-blurred vision, all Lucy could see was his metal arm. He'd barely come away from that fight with his life, and the dragon had been actually fighting him. Not just toying with him like prey.

"I-Is this it then?" she whispered to herself. "This is how w-we'll die…"

A hiccupping sob broke past Lucy's lips and familiar arms pulled her into a muscular chest.

"Don't give up, Cosplayer," Bickslow whispered gently. "We're gonna be alright."

"Everyone!" Lisanna shouted. "Send all your magic to Levy and Freed! We'll help them defend the island any way we can!"

"Bix," Lucy sobbed. "I-I can't…"

"Yes," he nodded. "You can do this, baby. Just take my hand."

Lucy didn't move, and instead watched while Bickslow reached down and laced his fingers with hers. She fought to bring herself to her feet, but once the blonde was standing, she was pulled into his arms again.

"There's not much time!" Erza shouted. "Quickly, everyone!"

Bickslow leaned down and gave Lucy a lingering kiss that felt too much like he was saying goodbye to her. Natsu held onto her other hand, and Bickslow turned to his other side to see Laxus right next to him. "L-Laxus."

"We're gonna get through this, Bix," Laxus said firmly. "We're all going home."

Bickslow gave his friend a wide, teary smile as he squeezed the blond's hand. He looked back down to Lucy and sent his babies to snuggle up against her. As her wide brown eyes locked onto his, he felt as though his heart was going to rip itself right from his chest. It honestly scared the everloving shit out of him, thinking that this was going to be the end.

' _I can't lose her like this…'_

He'd never been one for things like faith and hope. Things just didn't work out that way for him. But while he looked down at her, when he felt as though she was seeing right into his soul, Bickslow found himself believing in hope again. He had faith that they would come out of this alive, that he and Lucy, his team, their guild… Everyone would be spared from this death sentence.

_'I love her.'_

Bickslow was glad that she couldn't see the widening of his eyes behind the slats of his visor. He'd never been in love before, but he didn't question whether or not that's what he really felt. One bonus to being a Seith mage was just how in tune he was with chakras, even his own. This was what it felt like when he'd caught that glimmer of love in Lucy's soul. It was stronger in him, but the feeling was the same.

' _I love her… I love Lucy… Fuck, please don't let this be the end!'_

He had to believe that this would work, if for no other reason than to pull Lucy into his arms and tell her just how he felt. He wanted to scream it from every rooftop in Magnolia. Hell, he wanted to tell her right then, but it wasn't the time.

If he said it now, then she might think he was only saying it because they were going to die. No, Bickslow had to wait. He had to do this when the time was right, when they were safe and back in her apartment again. Just sitting on her couch and watching a movie that he'd seen several times already.

Or maybe as soon as the danger had passed, he would just tell her.

It didn't matter to him. All Bickslow wanted was to get through this with Lucy. They'd gone through so much together in just a couple short months, and while most of it had been his own doing, he could feel it in the way she smiled at him. For the first time ever, Bickslow was the one helping her. It was a strange feeling, having Lucy lean on him for strength in a time like this, but he'd faced death more times than he could count. This wasn't as scary as he'd thought it should be.

Maybe it was because he believed that they were going to live, that he was going to wake up and be able to wrap his arms around the blonde and kiss her to his heart's content. Or maybe he'd already lost his damn mind completely.

But feeling her eyes on him, and watching as her magic began swelling around her just as everyone else started channeling their own, Bickslow knew for a fact that he didn't want anyone but Lucy in his life. He'd become a better person since they'd started dating. Even though he struggled with his addiction, she was pushing him in slow steps to becoming the man he'd always wanted to be.

A small part of him wished that he was high right then. As Acnologia's roar barreled through the air and Tenrou Island was surrounded in a bright white light, Bickslow knew he didn't need to be though.

Because just before his vision faded into nothingness, the last thing he saw was Lucy's bright smile. She had been on the verge of breaking down before he'd grabbed her hand, but now she was smiling. And he'd been the one to bring that back.

If he could do that, then Bickslow knew he could do anything. Even beat death. He was never going to stop fighting to keep moving forward, to finally stop using and make her smile like this every single day.

' _Lucy… I love you… Don't leave me,'_ he thought before darkness consumed him.

_'Stay with me... I love you, Bickslow…'_

* * *

_**I'll take another sunrise** _   
_**Another hand to hold tight** _   
_**This isn't over** _   
_**I am way too young and I won't stop running** _

__


	17. Good to be Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is:  
> John Gray: Good to be Alive

 

__**Hold on  
Is this really the life I'm living?  
Cause I don't feel like I deserve it**

* * *

Muffled laughter and cheers rang through the air, and two small hands rocked his shoulder from side to side. Bickslow really just didn't want to wake up though. Because the last thing he remembered was looking into Lucy's teary eyes, and how she smiled at him. The way she glowed as they were all surrounded by a gleaming light, the tightening of her hand on his.

The quick flash of her chakras that he hadn't been able to stop, showing him that small spark of love he'd seen before, overflowing and lighting her up even more.

He didn't want it all to be a dream, and he definitely didn't want to wake up to realize that it was.

"Bixy… Come on, y-you'll never believe this!"

Lucy's voice. So sweet and kind and gentle.  _'Just like an angel…'_  If she was with him, he could just go back to sleep, he figured. It meant he was safe, and that everything he'd thought happened was some crazy hallucination. Maybe the S-Class trials hadn't really started after all, and Acnologia attacking was just all one huge trip.

"Come on, sweetheart," Lucy laughed. "Wake up."

His head shifted slightly, and when he felt all the same aches and pains he'd been ignoring before - when he'd been running for his life with the rest of the guild as Makarov held the dragon attacking them at bay - his eyes shot open in a flash. Instantly, he knew it was all real.

Bandages were still wrapped around her arms. Lucy was still wearing the clothes she'd had on when he last saw her. For some reason, though, his visor was gone.

Not a moment later, her lips were on his and her deliciously small body collapsed on top of him. He didn't have time to think about a whole lot of anything while they were like that. His eyes closed once again, just as her tongue speared between his lips.

"Get a damn room!" Cana shouted.

Lucy squeaked when the Card mage's hand cracked over her ass. She pulled back from the kiss and smiled down at Bickslow before burying her face against his neck. "We did it," she whispered. "We survived!"

"Y-Yeah?" he said. She nodded and his head turned to find Laxus sitting on the ground with Freed and Evergreen standing vigil just next to him. Max and Bisca and Alzack hugging random people. Jet and Droy attached to Levy while talking with Natsu and astutely ignoring Gajeel.

' _Wait… They…'_

Bickslow's eyes went wide when he realized that there were other members of the guild with them. And just how much older they all looked. Just a couple days before, he'd seen them. He'd waved like everyone else before heading down to the harbor. They hadn't been that old before.

"What the hell happened?" he asked the blonde, tightening his grip on her slender waist and pulling her just a little closer. "Babies?"

"We're here," Papa groaned. The five totems wriggled out from various pockets in the Seith mage's clothes to float in the air above him and Lucy.

"If I had the proper bodily functions," Pepe sighed, "I would have shit in your pocket."

"I would've peed," Pipi giggled.

"That was beyond terrifying," Popo said, bobbing slowly.

"And we're already dead," Pupu finished.

Bickslow shook his head in bewilderment while nestling his nose in Lucy's hair. All he cared about right then was her. He'd seen that Laxus, Freed, and Evergreen were alright. Now, he just wanted Lucy. Still, he couldn't help but catch small snippets of the animated conversations all around them.

"- Been seven years and-"

"- Haven't changed a bit!"

"- was this dragon and he-"

"- Grimoire Heart! I know! I thought-"

Bickslow took in the scent of sweat and dirt in Lucy's hair, and he still didn't care about anything else. "W-We lived," he whispered. His voice caught on a small sob of relief when she simply nodded again.

The moisture collecting on his clothes from her happy tears weren't lost on him. He was just as glad to be alive, to be with her again.

"Bix, I lo-"

* * *

__**Every day that I wake, every breath that I take you've given  
So right here, right now  
While the sun is shining down**

* * *

"Alright, everyone!" Makarov shouted. "Let's get ourselves back home!"

"What?" Bickslow whispered. He watched Lucy sit up, her cheeks flushing brilliantly while she shook her head. "What were you saying?"

"N-Nothing," she sniffled with a sheepish smile. Lucy laced their fingers together and waited for the Seith mage to sit up, then found herself tucked into a warm, tender hug while he stood and pulled her with him. "I'm just s-so happy…"

The totems snickered to themselves when Bickslow smiled and kissed the top of Lucy's head. Her legs visibly wobbled when they started to walk, so he easily lifted her into his arms and started carrying her off toward the ship they would be boarding to go back to Magnolia.

"Think he heard her?" Popo whispered.

"Nope," Pepe sighed. "He missed it."

"She should say it now," Pupu said.

"In her own time," Papa replied. "She's not ready, so we won't push it."

"But it  _would_  be fun," Pipi crooned.

"And it could hurt the two of them if they don't do it on their own," Papa said. "Now, come on. Before he realizes-"

"Babies," Bickslow called out. "Let's go home!" He smiled as the totems zoomed to catch up with him, keeping his gaze on the blonde in his arms and the metal visor she'd apparently found a few feet away from him. "And I'll be needing that in a few minutes," he whispered to Lucy.

"Sure, handsome," she grinned. "I like seeing you without, but I get it."

Bickslow blushed slightly, but his tongue lolled from his mouth anyway when he realized that they weren't alone. He still had to keep up appearances. "You can see me wearing even less if you'd like, Cosplayer," he laughed.

"We'll see," Lucy teased, throwing him a playful wink. It was obvious to her right then, that he was still just trying to play the part he felt like he needed to. The smile he gave her was empty, fake. The blush on his cheeks so out of place with the face he was making. But she understood, and there was no point in bringing it up right then.

Later on, maybe. But all she wanted to do was curl up in her boyfriend's arms, and just be happy that they were still alive.

* * *

_**Hold on** _   
_**If the life that we've been given** _   
_**Is made beautiful in the living** _

* * *

The party had ended early in the Fairy Tail guild. Much earlier than the members who'd been stuck on Tenrou had thought possible. But, it was to be expected now that they were behind on bills and forced into the smaller guild hall.

What none of them had thought about, however, was the fact that they'd really lost seven years on Tenrou. That meant everyone who'd been stuck there had no place to go unless they already owned a house - like Natsu, Freed, Laxus, and Makarov. But, the guild had pooled their money together when everyone went missing and gathered all of Team Tenrou's belongings, then placed it all in a warehouse they'd built out by Makarov's house. Fairy Hills was no more.

So, the guild as a whole went down to the warehouse and started moving everything out. Things had been sorted and grouped by who they belonged to. The Strauss siblings off in the far right corner. Erza's in the far left. Juvia's in the front, right next to Gray's. Gildarts' few boxes and Cana's barrels of wine and cards on the second floor. Levy's and Gajeel's apartments had been clustered together as well.

Evergreen's belongings had been set right in the front, because no one had a key to Freed's house or any way to put her things there.

So, everyone pitched in and the returning members checked in at the local motel until other arrangements could be made for them to live somewhere. While a good portion of the town had given up on the Fairies, there were still a few people here and there that remembered them and gave them a great deal for lodging.

It was while Freed wrote the runes around Evergreen's belongings to teleport them to his home that Lucy realized the warehouse was empty. Completely empty, and the few boxes she'd seen in Bickslow's apartment the morning after they'd hid that junkies body down at the docks, were nowhere to be seen. It wasn't even a matter of the things being in different boxes than before.

Everything that had been packed into the building was with its respective owners.

With a frown, Lucy made her way toward Bickslow as he helped to set another of Erza's bags onto a carriage. "Bixy?" Lucy whispered.

"Yeah, baby." He gave the blonde a small smile while glancing at her over his shoulder. "I'll be done in a minute."

Lucy nodded, then placed a hand on Max's arm as he walked past with one of Gray's shirts that had appeared on the ground. "Max, my stuff isn't here," she said softly. "Is, um…"

"Oh," he chuckled. "Your landlady told us that she wasn't letting anyone into your apartment."

"S-So, my stuff is…"

"Right where you left it," he nodded with a wide smile. "She's pretty scary, Lucy."

"Yeah, she is," the blonde laughed. "Thanks, Max."

Once Bickslow was finished, he turned toward Lucy and wrapped his arms around her. "What's up, beautiful?"

She bit her lip and looked around to see that everyone was otherwise occupied, and that their conversation wouldn't be overheard.

Really, she just didn't know what to expect, but she still needed to ask her boyfriend about it. "Bix, I didn't see your stuff here… Where is it?"

In an instant, his smile fell. "You noticed that, huh?" he whispered.

"Yeah."

" _Tell her, Bickslow. She should know,"_ the totems silently whispered.

He knew that he needed to tell her, and that Lucy really should have known about it from the beginning. But it was embarrassing as hell, and the last thing he wanted was for anyone in the guild to find out just how big of a loser he really was.

"Bix?" Lucy pressed. "You can talk to me… You know I won't judge."

"I-I know," he sighed. "Just… Can we not talk about this here?" When Lucy nodded, he wrapped an arm around her waist and led her away from the gathered mages. The two stayed completely silent while walking through town, and he finally stopped once they were standing under a tree in the park, far from the playground equipment where kids were still playing.

With a soft sigh, he leaned back against the tree and slid down, feeling the rough bark scraping along the fabric of his shirt. Moments later, Lucy was kneeling just in front of him.

"Are you ready to talk to me?" Lucy whispered.

With a heavy sigh, he reached forward and pulled her into his arms. "Lucy, I… I lost my place," he admitted.

"A lot of people did, Bix."

"No," he said, "I mean… Before we left." He hated how concerned she looked while turning toward him, searching the darkness behind his visor for his eyes. But he knew that Lucy wanted more of an explanation, and even though he wanted to keep it to himself, he just couldn't. He couldn't keep lying to his girlfriend over everything, and this was as good a place as any to start.

"You… You remember the day I broke your rib?" he asked. He pushed his visor off and rubbed a hand over his face when she nodded. "I-I… Well, I got evicted."

"But, I've been by your apartment since then," Lucy whispered.

"No, you met me outside… Why do you think I never invited you in?"

Lucy's frown deepened while she thought back to all the times she'd met Bickslow at his apartment after he'd broken her ribs. When she thought about it, the only time she'd been inside was when he brought her there after hiding that junkie's body.

But Bickslow always met her outside. He really never did invite her in, and any time she suggested going to his place, he'd change the subject or ask to go over to hers. She'd thought it had been that he just didn't want to be at home, but now… "Bix, where have you been staying since then, if you got evicted?"

"Same place I'll be staying now," he answered. As soon as the evasive reply left him, he cringed. That wasn't nearly enough.  _'Why does it have to be so hard to tell her the truth?'_  He knew why though. It was embarrassing as hell, and he was sure that Lucy would ditch him if she knew. "Wherever looks comfortable," he finally forced himself to say. "The, um… The park is pretty nice at night."

"You…" Lucy turned to look across the park they were sitting in, over to the benches where parents were watching their children play. Then across the street to the rooftops of shops.  _'He's been homeless this whole time… And I didn't know?'_

"Wh-What happened to all your stuff?"

"It's at Laxus' house," he muttered. "I used to crash there when he was still around, so I-I've got a key."

"But you haven't been living there?

"No," Bickslow replied. "I'm not, um… really good at remembering to pick up, if I'm high. I didn't want to trash his place when I wasn't supposed to be there anyway." Besides, Bickslow had lived out of boxes anyway, and had only been in that apartment he'd taken Lucy to for a couple months.

Lucy sighed when he shuddered slightly and his arms wound around her waist to keep himself from scratching. Things had been so hectic lately that Bickslow hadn't really showed many signs of going through withdrawal. Even going two weeks without the drugs, he was still dealing with it, but she knew not to draw attention to it.

He'd shut down the first time she did, and it had taken hours for Lucy to get him to even talk to her in the first place. And when he had, Bickslow finally explained that it made him feel as though he wasn't doing enough to hide how hard it was to hold back from using again.

"He helped me get that apartment though," Bickslow whispered. "I just didn't think I'd be there very long anyway, so I never unpacked. I always just move on to the next place when I get the boot."

"So, why didn't you do that this time?"

"Because I'm an idiot," he muttered. "I threw all my money into drugs, baby." The only exception was when he and Lucy had started dating, because he'd wanted to buy things for her. So, he'd actually cut back on the money he'd used for meth so he could take Lucy out on dates and get her gifts.

"And… after you got evicted…" She bit her lip while looking up at him, right into his tired eyes. "What did you do?"

"I just wandered around a lot," he answered. "It's why I called you so often in the middle of the night. I'd run into my dealer or someone else, get high, then… Just around and around."

Lucy slowly turned in his arms so she could sink the fingers of one hand into his hair. Her nails gently trailed through the shorter black hairs of his mohawk. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"So you could see just how much of a damn failure I am?" he asked bitterly. "I didn't want you to change your mind about being with me. I mean, I called you after I finished moving my stuff and gave the landlord the keys, and… And then you actually let me ask you out, even when I fucked everything up."

"Bix," she sighed.

"No, it's the truth," he said softly. "Tell me… Would you have really wanted to stay with me if you knew I was showering in the guild, then sneaking out and circling around so no one knew?"

Lucy blinked in surprise at that. "Y-You…"

"Yeah," he muttered. Bickslow pulled his hands away from her slender waist to pluck a blade of grass from the ground, then slowly tore it apart. "Mira comes in at about six, so I'd go in around four or five to use the locker rooms. And… I'd just wash my clothes at the laundromat every couple days when I went through everything I had at the guild."

He just couldn't bring himself to look at her now that she knew the truth. Sure, he'd kept up with hygiene, brushed his teeth and bathed, but he was still a fucking hobo. No roof over his head, taking fucking handouts whenever he could. All he ever did was depend on everyone around him, and if it wasn't that, then it was the damn drugs that he  _still_  ached for.

"I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do, baby," he whispered. "I keep trying to do the right thing, and it always backfires."

"And… that's why you never have a problem when I invite you to sleep over at my apartment?"

Bickslow nodded slowly. "A couch is better than sleeping outside," he whispered. Plus, it had been getting really cold as December rolled around - even though it was April now that they were back - and he'd been planning on just crashing in shooting galleries and warehouses to try and soak up some warmth. Of course, his babies had thought he was being stupid about it all, but they just didn't understand.

"Most places won't rent to me. The owners all know each other, or they know my face… Or, my visor, I guess. No one wants trash around, fucking everything up. That's why Laxus got me that apartment. He put his name on it, and I just had to pay the bills."

"And now, even after seven years, you don't think anyone will let you have a place?"

Bickslow shook his head again while ripping another blade of grass from the ground. "I know they won't. I don't remember to pay my bills, and I owe plenty of people money. I'm surprised no one's gone to Master about it, but… I-I just don't know what I can do anymore."

Her hands curved around his jaw, and Lucy slowly lifted Bickslow's head until he was hesitantly looking into her eyes. "Then you can stay with me," she whispered.

* * *

__**And the joy that we get brings joy to the heart of the giver  
Then right here, right now  
This is the song I'm singing out**

* * *

His eyes went wide as he whispered, "I-I can't do that…"

"Why not?" she giggled. "You said it yourself. A couch is better than outside. Plus, if you're not wandering around at night, then you'll be less tempted to buy anything."

Would it be weird having Bickslow living with her? Sure, but Lucy wanted to help him. It's what she'd wanted all this time, and the blonde was sure that this would be the key to really making progress in getting him clean and helping him stay that way. If he was with her, even when it came time for them to go to sleep, then she would know he wasn't out buying more drugs. She could keep a better eye on him that way.

"Y-You don't know what you're asking me though," he whispered, shaking his head. "Laxus told me that I could crash at his place a couple times when I needed it, but… even  _he_  kicked my ass out. I'm just…"

"Bix," she laughed, "I'm  _not_  Laxus."

"That much is clear," he chuckled. "Laxus doesn't have a rockin' body like you, Cosplayer."

Lucy blushed and brushed her nose across his. "You need a place to go, and I've got room. Sort of."

"On the couch," he nodded.

"I know it's not the most comfortable, but maybe… After a little bit… Maybe you can sleep in the bed with me."

Bickslow had slept in bed with her more often than not the times that he'd crashed at her apartment, but Lucy knew they needed to have  _some_  boundaries if they were going to be living together. And, of course, if Bickslow was having a hard time, if he relapsed and needed to really be comfortable when he crashed, or if he was just having a really bad night, then she wouldn't stop him from sleeping in the bed.

It was just that Lucy really needed to keep some physical distance between them from time to time; otherwise, she'd be jumping his bones in no time flat.

"Still," Lucy continued, "You'll be able to have a warm place to sleep, and home-cooked meals when you're not on missions."

A small smirk pulled up the corner of his mouth while his gaze travelled lower, trailing over her slim body where she knelt between his legs. "And I'd get to catch you prancing around in those washcloths you call towels," he teased. "Sounds like a sweet deal." There was just one problem. "I'm the only one getting something out of it, though…"

"No," she smiled. "You can help with the bills or fixing stuff up if you want, and I'll have some peace of mind in knowing that you've got a roof over your head." After a moment, she playfully poked his side and watched as he jumped and let out a small laugh. " _And_  you'll be prancing around in those washcloths too, Bixy."

"Well, maybe I can do a special sexy dance for you, then," he teased.

"I can't wait," she giggled. A moment later, her lips settled into a tender smile. "Plus, it won't be so lonely with you there."

Bickslow nodded slowly while leaning his head back against the tree. His eyes slid closed as her fingers continued their gentle trek across his scalp. "And… I'll have you there to help me," he whispered.

That was one of the biggest positives about him even  _thinking_ about moving in with Lucy. Things would be just a little bit easier for him. He'd have her right there. Someone waiting at home for him, someone he'd really  _want_  to go home to. When he'd lived with Laxus, it was only temporary, and Bickslow had known that. They were best friends, but Laxus obviously didn't want him there for too long. The blond preferred his space.

But with Lucy… She was offering him a place to sleep, a place to  _live_ , and it wasn't coming with the same warnings he'd gotten from his best friend of,  _"Just until you're back on your feet,"_  or anything like that. And maybe Bickslow wouldn't just move in and decide to spend the rest of his life living with her, and maybe he'd get his own place at some point, but that fact of the matter was, Lucy's offer felt more permanent than anything Laxus had ever done.

"Exactly," she whispered. "Support at home is one of the biggest factors in a successful recovery."

"You sound like a damn pamphlet, Cosplayer," Bickslow chuckled.

"I'm a lot cuter than a pamphlet, Sir Licks-a-Lot," she pouted.

His eyes slowly opened and he raised an intrigued brow at her. "You give me the word, and I'll show you just how much I can lick you, Lucy." The words were shooting out before he could stop them, and Bickslow found his cheeks flaming just as much as the blushing blonde in his arms. That was more of something he'd say while high. Lucy start sputtering a reply, and he let out a quiet laugh while leaning forward to press his lips to hers. "No worries," he whispered against her lips. "I'll keep my dick to myself until you say otherwise."

"Well, I'll be sure to remember that," Lucy laughed. "But… What do you say? Will you come live with me?"

"I don't know," he whispered uncomfortably. There were so many reasons he wanted to say yes, but the biggest reason he had for saying no was that he was still an addict. He didn't want to drag Lucy into anything, or make it so  _she_  got evicted. Him living on the streets was nothing new, he'd been doing that for almost his whole life anyway, but her… Bickslow wanted better for his girlfriend.

"Bix, I just want to help," Lucy said softly. "You've been doing such a great job, and if there's anything I can do to make this easier for you, to take some of the stress off, then I want to do it. I don't want you to struggle more than necessary, and I know this won't be easy for you, but…"

"But what?" he frowned.

Lucy bit her lip and wrapped her arms around him just a little tighter than before, burying her head under his chin. "I worry about you every night, baby," she whispered. "I'll sleep better, knowing that you're home with me."

"And if I relapse?" he asked. "It's really likely it'll happen again, Cosplayer. Even if I wanna say I won't do it…"

"If you relapse, then I want you to have a safe place to go to crash and try to get sober again," she said in an instant. "No more rooftops and parks and things like that. Just… My apartment's a safe place for you to be just who you are, even if you're tweaking or crashing or anything else you call it."

"Just who I am," he mused. But Bickslow knew what Lucy was trying to tell him. He was always so worried that he wasn't doing a good enough job of pretending to be normal, or the normal that others had grown accustomed to with him. But Lucy was constantly reminding him that it was okay to feel like shit, or to be in a bad mood. He wasn't going to make her mad by relapsing, or being paranoid and hiding under her dining table.

Lucy nodded in silence.

"Then… Yeah," Bickslow sighed. "I… I-I'd like that. Moving in with you, I mean."

Lucy's smile was brilliant, even as his grip on her tightened and his nose buried itself in her golden locks. "Then we should head  _home_  and do some cleaning before we pick up your stuff," she whispered.

Bickslow held the blonde in place when she started shifting to stand up, taking a deep, shuddering breath. There was no way he'd be able to ever repay her for this. "Y-You really are amazing, Lucy," he sniffled. "Thank you…"

"Any time," she answered. "No way am I gonna let you go through this alone, okay?" She had to blink back tears when she heard the shakiness of his breath. Several tears dripped down onto her scalp from the Seith mage. "I'll help you get clean, and stay that way. I promise."

"I-I don't know what I'd do without you, baby." He sniffled again, loosening his grip just enough for her to pull his head to her shoulder. After everything they'd been through, he just couldn't help himself. And it seemed Lucy really couldn't either, because within moments, she was quietly crying and pressing tender kisses to the top of his head.

"You won't ever have to find out," Lucy answered. She ignored the park around them, focusing everything she had on the Seith mage. She was going to help him, and nothing was going to stop her. That was something she was sure of.

* * *

__**I wanna live like there's no tomorrow  
Love like I'm on borrowed time  
It's good to be alive**

* * *

Laxus groaned while setting the last of Evergreen's boxes on the floor in Freed's sitting room. Everything was covered in dust, and while he knew it was killing part of the Rune mage to not have the place shining and perfectly clean, Laxus really didn't mind it. He'd spent the better part of two months living in the forest and run-down inns, trying to sort out just what the hell was wrong with him, and being in Freed's home again made it feel like the good old days.

Back before he'd gotten it in his head that the guild was full of weaklings that needed weeding out. Before he'd grown so fucking full of himself that he thought he had all the answers.

He still hadn't even talked to his grandfather about coming back to Magnolia, but there was plenty that he needed to discuss with his two former teammates, and Laxus wasn't going to put it off. He couldn't.

"Freed," he said while turning back toward the entryway. His nose crinkled when he smelled one of the Rune mage's cleaning agents hard at work. "Put that shit down for a minute."

"Laxus, I need to-"

"Freed," the Lightning Slayer said more firmly. "We agreed to talk about this shit with Bix. That's a little more important than dusting."

Freed went rigid then, closing his eyes when Evergreen came up beside him and pulled the cloth from his hand to gently set it on the coffee table. "He's got a point," she whispered. "I'll make up some tea and we'll sit in the dining room."

Freed nodded, a light flush on his cheeks when Evergreen gave his hand a gentle squeeze, then turned toward Laxus. "I am not sure where to begin," he finally said, looking into the larger mage's gleaming blue eyes.

"Probably by sitting down," Laxus shrugged. The two made their way to the dining room and took a seat, then waited for Evergreen to return with the tea. The silence in the house was stifling, weighing down on each of the mages as they all stared into their cups.

Just as Laxus took a sip, Evergreen said, "You're an asshole." Freed's and Laxus' eyes widened, both snapping to the Fairy mage. "You should have told us a long time ago, Laxus."

"I know," he sighed. "I just thought it'd be better for everyone if-"

"If we didn't know that Bickslow was killing himself, and  _has been_  for years?" Evergreen hissed. "That's idiotic. More than idiotic… Freed, what's worse than idiotic?"

"Ever, I get it," Laxus said. "I-"

"Imprudent," Freed said. "Ill-advised, harebrained, foolhardy, absurd…"

"Alright," Laxus frowned. "I-"

"Ridiculous, foolish, witless, brainless, thoughtless," Freed continued.

"Dumbass?" Evergreen asked.

"Yes," the Rune mage nodded. "That would be a good way to describe him."

" _Okay_ ," Laxus growled. "I get it. I was a fucking idiot for not telling you."

"Or your grandfather," Evergreen nodded. "Laxus, what made you think you could help Bickslow any better than anyone else? That he didn't need  _us_  there too, knowing he was dealing with something like this?"

"Aside from that," Freed added, "We should have been informed before you left Magnolia. Maybe, if we'd known, he wouldn't have disappeared for a week and ended up in a coma."

"Wait, Bix was-"

"And he  _definitely_  wouldn't have cheated on Lucy with some skanky piece of trash in a club," Evergreen sneered.

"As well as trying to run away from everything and leave the guild. Or the country in general," Freed said.

"And Lucy wouldn't have gotten a black eye from fighting someone just trying to find Bickslow a few days before the S Class trials."

"We would have known what to look out for," Freed said.

"We could have helped him, gotten him into rehab, just  _been there_  for him," Evergreen insisted.

"Evergreen and I could have done research, looked into therapists, found self-help groups for him. Anything to help him," Freed said. "We didn't know what was happening with him. Why he seemed normal one day, then ran away from us the next. Why he got sick and just slept for days… Laxus… Your leaving the way you did could have killed him, and we wouldn't have known why until it was too late!"

It wasn't often that Laxus really felt remorseful for something, and this was definitely a first concerning getting a lecture from Freed and Evergreen. For all the lecturing Freed did, it was never directed at him. For all of Evergreen's huffy, haughty snark, he'd always been exempt.

But they had a point, and he knew it. This was all his fault, and there was no one he could push the blame on, except for himself.

Laxus had known for years that Bickslow was struggling with his addiction, but he'd thought that he had all the answers, that he could just make it so the Seith mage wasn't an addict anymore.

Finally, he set his teacup down on the table and looked into his former teammates' eyes, letting his grief sit plainly on his face instead of just trying to be 'The Thunder God'. He'd learned the hard way that he wasn't untouchable, that he wasn't infallible. He was just Laxus, and if anyone could see that, then it was two of the three people he considered his dearest friends.

"I'm sorry," Laxus whispered. "I should have told you guys, and I should have told Jiji a long ass time ago. I just… I wanted to prove myself, and I used Bix for that. I wasn't thinking about what he really needed, what would be best for  _him_ … Just…"

Freed's brows drew together as Laxus' elbows thudded on the table, his head dropping to his hands and his fingers sifting through the blond spikes.

* * *

_**I won't take it for granted  
I won't waste another second** _

* * *

"I-I don't even know what the hell I was thinking," Laxus said. "I'd force Bix to get clean, and I'd shock his ass and yell and do whatever I could, but it was never enough. He'd always find ways to start using again. And… I-I just figured, what good was I really doing him, y'know?"

"Laxus," Evergreen whispered. She reached across the table and rested her hand on his arm.

"I wanted to tell you guys," he said softly. "But then it was like… I-I had someone depending on me.  _Just me_. Bix needed me, and he'd call, and there I was, saving him. Doing the right thing, and he'd just… E-Even when he was crashing, he'd thank me for being his friend, f-for just being there…

"And when I left, I needed to do it for myself. To just figure out who the hell I really was, and what was really important. I-I thought you'd figure it out, because I wasn't gonna be here to cover his tracks anymore. You'd know if he went to the hospital, and the doctors could tell you why. Or if he got locked up in jail, and needed someone to bail him out. S-So I broke my lacrima, made it so he couldn't lean on me anymore. Because, I thought, if he didn't have me, then he'd  _have_  to go to you guys. W-We're all friends, so-"

"We aren't Bickslow's friends," Freed whispered. The last thing he'd expected when Laxus looked at him was to find tears in the blond Slayer's eyes. "He has been mine and Evergreen's friend since we met, but… He doesn't view  _us_  that way."

"H-He does," Laxus said.

"No," Evergreen sighed. "Bix never realized that we actually cared about him. He thought we were just on the same team, and that was that. You were his  _only_ friend, Laxus."

"And you left him here, with no real goodbye and no one to lean on," Freed said gently.

The first of his tears finally broke past his lashes, and Freed and Evergreen were out of their seats in an instant. Their arms wound around Laxus' quivering shoulders in a tender embrace.

"I-I didn't m-mean to-" Laxus hiccupped.

"We know," Evergreen whispered. "But, now we all know what's going on…"

"And we will help Bickslow," Freed nodded. He blinked in surprise as Laxus pulled both himself and Evergreen closer in a quaking hug. Really, the Lightning Slayer had never been like this before. But maybe a lot had changed for him in the time he'd been gone.

"Lucy's got a pretty good handle on what's going on with him," Evergreen said. She took a chance to brush her fingers through Laxus' hair and over his scalp. "We were planning on just following her lead on this."

"And I will be researching addiction to methamphetamine," Freed added. "If we know the signs to look for, and the other effects that might not have presented themselves often enough to distinguish a pattern, then we can help him."

"I know wh-what to look for," Laxus sniffled.

"Then tell us," Evergreen smiled. "We'll be a team again, even if it's just for helping Bix." When Laxus took a shaky breath to start, the Fairy mage laughed quietly and shook her head. "Not right now, Laxus…"

"Wh-What?"

The Fairy mage loosened her grip on him and moved so she could swipe Freed's handkerchief over his teary cheeks. And in that moment, Laxus realized just how much everyone had changed in the time he'd been gone. Freed was never one for touching people if he could help it, the little germophobe. Evergreen hadn't had a motherly, caring bone in her damn body. Bickslow didn't get sad over shit, and he was never scared of things.

But now it was all different. Freed was right there, hugging him. Evergreen was taking care of him as though this was the most normal thing in the world.

And Bickslow… Laxus still couldn't get the image of his best friend cowering behind the blonde Celestial mage out of his head.

"I-I'm such a damn idiot," Laxus whimpered.

"Nah," Evergreen said. "We'll just call it a blonde moment. But, now we're gonna work together and take care of Bix."

Laxus nodded and pulled Evergreen to him again. This companionship was what he'd ached for the entire time he'd been gone from the guild. And even though it was strange having Freed and Evergreen holding him, or holding them for that matter, Laxus at least felt a little better. Lighter, somehow.

He knew what it was, though. After years of keeping Bickslow's secret, he'd finally come clean about it all. There was still more they needed to know, things that only Laxus could tell them he'd seen while trying to get Bickslow clean, but that could wait.

And eventually, he was going to find a way to make things right with the Seith mage. Bickslow deserved that. Based on what Papa had said to him back on Tenrou, Laxus was starting to realize that he'd never really been helping his friend all this time. Not like Lucy was.

Bickslow deserved one hell of an apology from him, and Laxus was going to give him just that. As soon as he could get his damn emotions under control, and once he figured out how to talk to the Seith mage again without letting his temper get the best of him, Laxus was going to start figuring out how to fix all the mistakes he'd made.

' _Maybe I can start with talking to Jiji,'_  he thought. He still wasn't going to tell his grandfather about Bickslow's addiction, though. Not until he'd had a chance to talk with Freed and Evergreen some more. Then with Bickslow. And definitely with the guy's girlfriend who was - surprisingly - actually helping the Seith mage get clean and really stay that way. Yeah, talking with his grandfather about staying in Magnolia would be a good start. And after that, he'd just have to take it one step at a time.

One day, he'd make it up to Bickslow. And he'd find some way to show his friend that everything he'd done, even though he'd made so many mistakes, it was because Laxus had just wanted to help.

* * *

_**All I want is to give you  
A life well lived, to say "thank you"** _


	18. Bird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Billie Marten: Bird

 

__**She's underwater again  
Somebody's daughter and friend  
**

* * *

The walk from the park toward Lucy's apartment was mostly the same for them, with the exception of a few newer shops that had cropped up in the time they'd been stuck on Tenrou. There were even a few familiar faces for Lucy as they got closer, children who had been barely old enough to walk, now running around with their friends, still holding the youthful pudge in their cheeks.

Bickslow's hand stayed linked with hers, letting the blonde feel each tremor that rocked through him while he tried to keep his appearance mostly normal. But they didn't speak to one another for most of the trip until she lightly squeezed his hand and looked toward a small girl smiling and jumping into her father's arms.

"What's up, baby?"

"I was just thinking," Lucy sighed, looking at him through the slats of his visor, "It's been seven years."

"Yeah."

"That's seven years I haven't spoken to my dad…"

Bickslow frowned only slightly at the sad smile on her lips. She'd told him a little about her father, mainly how they hadn't exactly left on the best of terms. And he sure as hell knew what the guy had tried to do with that whole Phantom Lord bullshit that Gajeel and Juvia had been involved in. But that was in the past, and while it only felt like a few  _months_  in the past to him and the others who had been in the S Class exams, it was really so much longer than that.

"Would you…" He paused, reconsidering his question again before finally feeling the smallest nudge from Pepe in his pocket. "Would you want to go visit him sometime?"

"I really should," Lucy said. "I really feel like things could change for the better between us. I just hope he hasn't been too worried…"

"Well, you know… We could just wait on the moving thing," Bickslow said softly. "I could probably crash with Freed until you get back, or-"

"Bix," Lucy giggled, tightening her grip on his hand. "How about you just come with me?"

"Wh-What?!"

"Sure!"

"You'd want your old man to meet  _me_?!"

"Of course!" Her smile faltered only slightly when he turned to look at the ground and his lips thinned into a line. Lucy pulled him to a stop, then down a narrow alley away from the bustling street. Once they were alone and concealed behind a particularly ripe garbage can, she pressed herself against him and laid her head on his chest. "Do you think I wouldn't want him to meet you?"

"I mean… you've  _met me_ , right?" he muttered. "I'm not really 'bring him home to the parentals' material, baby…" God, what would that even be like? Meeting her father and trying to explain why he was a piece of shit wasting her time? Bickslow was sure he'd rather drown himself in a vat of baby shit before setting up a meeting with his girlfriend's father.

"Bixy, I'm not ashamed of you," Lucy frowned. "And I'm not ashamed of being  _with_  you."

"Right, but… I don't think he'll really approve of-"

"I don't  _care_  what my father approves of," she said, a slow smile spreading over her cheeks. She reached up and pressed her fingers to his chin, gently gliding them across the light dusting of stubble that had grown in during the day. "I just want him to meet you, because you're an important part of my life. And if I'm going to ever have the type of relationship I really want with him, I… Well, I want that to include you."

"... Me?" he whispered. What the hell did that mean?

"I don't want to keep something like this…" Lucy paused to press her lips to his in a tender kiss. "A secret from anyone. Addiction or not, I still lo-"

The rancid trash can toppled over and sent debris flying across the small alley, just as a mangy grey and white cat with bald patches dashed into the street in hot pursuit of a small brown mouse. Lucy shrieked in terror and jumped right into her boyfriend's arms, sending Bickslow in a fit of laughter as he held her tightly to him.

"Cosplayer, it's just a cat!"

"Shut up!"

Bickslow shook his head, already having forgotten what they were talking about as he leaped over the trash and back out into the street. No matter what Lucy eventually decided concerning her visiting with her father, they could still at least go to her apartment and get some cleaning done.

Or… maybe she would do some cleaning and he would just pass out. He was pretty damn exhausted, after all. Then again, if the tingling in his fingernails didn't go away soon, he wouldn't be able to get any sleep at all.

The two fell into a comfortable silence again, with Lucy not even batting an eye over Bickslow simply carrying her the rest of the way to her apartment. It was only when they drew nearer and went inside the building that he finally set her on her feet once again.

* * *

_**In the night in the dark  
In the cold as she walks far away** _

* * *

Lucy paused at apartment 1A, nibbling her lip nervously while lifting her hand to knock. Before her knuckles could rap against the wood, the door swung open to reveal her landlady. Wearing what she  _knew_  had been some of her clothing.

"I heard you kids were back."

"Y-Yeah," Lucy chuckled. "I'm sorry if it was too much of a hassle to keep my things here. And I'll pay you back the rent I owe you as soon as I've got the money to do it."

"Seven years worth… You do realize that's almost six-million Jewels," she said. While Lucy gulped and rubbed her hand over her face, no doubt trying to figure out how to make that much money in a reasonable amount of time, the woman turned toward the visored mage standing just behind her blonde tenant. "And you," she spat. "Don't I know you from somewhere?"

"U-Um," Bickslow muttered. Oh, he remembered this woman all too well. She was the first one who had rented to him when he finally got his own place in Magnolia. And, now that he thought about it, it had been the apartment Lucy lived in that he'd rented. "I'm in Fairy Tail, so… You've probably seen me around town?"

Her eyes narrowed behind her wing-tipped glasses. "What's your name?"

"Bickslow."

There was a pregnant pause before the Landlady's over-painted lips turned into a deep scowl. Bickslow cringed, waiting for her to start yelling at him over whatever it was he'd actually done to the apartment to get evicted. He couldn't really remember why he'd lost the place anymore.

Luckily for him, Lucy came out of her stupor and grinned at the Landlady. "Oh! That's another reason I wanted to stop by. Bickslow lost his apartment because we were away for so long, and I wanted to know if I needed to add him to the lease, since he'll be staying with me."

"And just  _why_  is he staying with you?"

"W-Well, because he's my boyfriend," Lucy said. "And, um… Not everyone is lucky enough to have a compassionate woman like yourself keeping an eye out for them." She wasn't sure where that had come from, but the way the older woman's shoulders relaxed, how her lips softened into a gentle, maternal smile, gave Lucy the impression that she'd said something right.

"I can put him on the lease as a temporary tenant," she said softly, looking right past the slats of his visor. "When it's time for you to renew the lease, if he's still here, then you'll both have to sign the new one."

"Wonderful," Lucy grinned. "Thank you so much! Bix, let's go get cleaning." She clasped Bickslow's hand and got ready to say her goodbyes, then stopped.

"I just need to have him fill out some paperwork. Lucy, why don't you head upstairs? This won't take long."

Bickslow knew this wasn't going to end well, but he still gave the blonde a gentle smile and nodded to let her know he would be fine. She walked off after pressing a kiss to his chin, then he turned back toward the domineering, three-foot-tall woman before him. "So-"

"Now you listen to me," the Landlady hissed once Lucy was out of sight. "That girl is too sweet for someone like you to come in and mess everything up for her. Don't think I've forgotten the three weeks it took to completely gut that apartment out and remodel it after you swept through here. And if you even  _think_  of dragging her into the nonsense I know you're still doing, then I will see to it that the authorities are called and you're locked up for good!"

Bickslow's jaw stayed clamped shut and he nodded quickly, no hint of a smile on his lips.

"And if I find out that you brought drugs into my building, you're history," the Landlady sneered. "I don't care if it's a single joint or whatever else in God's name you were doing up there before. There will be no late parties. No screaming whores. And if you don't help Lucy pay her rent and keep that place clean, so  _help me_  you will regret it!"

"Y-Yes, ma'am!" he squeaked.

She turned back toward her apartment. "Can't believe she's dating a drug addict," she muttered. He waited as she rummaged around inside for a moment before returning with a single sheet of paper. "Sign this."

Bickslow's hand shook as he took the pen she held out to him, ready for her to change her mind at any moment and just stab him right in the testicles with it. Just before he brought the pen to the signature line - and after making sure it was a temporary lease agreement like it should have been - he paused. "Miss," he said softly.

"What now?"

"I'm… I'm sorry for how things were the last time I was here," he said. "I wasn't in a good place then, and I'm not really in a good place now, but…"

"... But?"

Bickslow sighed and tightened his grip on the pen when his hand started to shake a little more noticeably. He winced when the woman before him took notice of it. "But I-I'm trying to stop. To get better. Lucy's… She's been trying to help me stop doing it."

"And how's  _that_  working out for you?" she huffed. "Looks like not a whole lot's changed. You're still twitchy."

"I-I know," he said. "But, I'm clean now. It's why I'm like this. A-And I wanna stay clean. It's hard, but I  _want_  to do the right thing so… Please don't take it out on Lucy if something goes wrong while I'm here. She's giving me a place to sleep, so I don't have to be homeless. She's… doing all this stuff to keep me clean. I-I'm really trying…"

The Landlady blinked but stayed silent, watching as Bickslow sighed in resignation and put the pen to the paper, then signed his name. She looked over the document, eyes narrowing at the quick, shaky scribble on the signature line, then placed it on the shelf just inside her apartment.

"I'll just-"

"Young man," she whispered, gently taking hold of his sweaty, trembling hand. "Let me ask you something." Bickslow nodded, but didn't look at her. "What is it you're running away from?"

"Huh?" he frowned.

"In my experience, people like you are running from something. That's why they do what they do. Now, you don't need to tell me, but I'd suggest you think long and hard about what you're running from. And if it's something you can face head-on, then there's nothing stopping you from beating this. Do you understand?"

He frowned down at her hand, his eyes slowly trailing up the length of her short, pudgy arm to her face. "So… Deal with the reason I'm doing it…"

She smiled then, a disarming smile that made the Seith mage feel as though she was about to eat him. "I know from experience," she said, discreetly rubbing at her nose with her thumb. "It's not easy to stop, but there are better ways to live your life."

"I understand," he chuckled.  _'Who would have thought… she used to be a coke-head.'_  Finally, he turned and waved a short farewell to the Landlady, then made his way up the stairs toward Lucy's apartment.

The door was left wide open, and he quietly shut it once he was inside and his shoes were off. Everything looked exactly the same. Except for the six packages sitting on her kitchen table and one in Lucy's hands where she'd collapsed to her knees beside the couch.

"Lucy?" She sniffled and curled around the box in her lap, and Bickslow flew across the short distance, dropping to kneel beside her. "Baby, what's wrong?" he asked. "What happened?" He barely had enough time to prepare for her to lunge at him, seeking comfort in his arms as her shoulders quaked.

He didn't need to ask again, though. As his babies wriggled out of his pockets, he felt a slip of paper being pressed into his hand. One arm wound around her as he looked down at the page.

_Dear Lucy,  
Happy birthday, daughter. I do not know when you will read this letter. I wish it could be before your birthday._

_It has been a long time since you disappeared with your friends. It worries me a lot, but I am sure you are fine as always. You are a very lucky girl, the same as Layla. Maybe that is the reason I always trust and believe in you. I am so glad that God gave me you as a daughter._

_I am going to start and settle business in the west. It is always busy, but I am happily spending my days with friends. I always remember you and Layla from my heart. You are our one true treasure._

_I wish for you to take the path that you believe in, and I hope we meet again soon._

_I love you, my child. I wish the sweetest girl the sweetest birthday._

_-Your Father_

He wanted to smile, but something on the back of the letter caught his attention, most likely as it had with Lucy.

_Miss Heartfilia,  
I'm sorry to tell you that I received word while delivering this package to you, that your father has passed away. He's been very sick these last few months, and everyone at Love & Lucky has been sending him their well wishes. He never gave up on your return. It might not seem like much from a stranger, but I want you to know that your father talked about you all the time. Jude loved telling us stories about you and showing off news clippings from your adventures in Fairy Tail. I hope you're able to come back and see the love he's had for you all this time._

_I'm very sorry for your loss.  
Myrtle Feril, Love & Lucky Courier_

"Lucy, I'm sorry," Bickslow whispered, dropping the letter and wrapping his arms a little more tightly around her. "God, I'm so sorry…"

"I-I just… I didn't even…" She quickly descended into unintelligible sobs, letting the gift in her lap slide gently to the floor as she curled closer to the Seith mage.

And Bickslow, for all the mistakes he'd made in the past, and for all he claimed to not know how to help people, knew in that moment what to do. That all she needed was his arms around her, his chest against her cheek to catch her tears and his chin resting on her golden hair. Lucy had been strong for him so many times since they'd started talking, since before they'd even been a couple, and this time he was going to be the strong one.

He could do this for her. He could be the one holding her together, letting her just cry and feel whatever she needed to feel. And even if it seemed as though her entire world had shattered, Bickslow swore to himself that he would be there to help her glue everything back together again.

And he was going to do it sober. No matter how much he twitched or fidgeted with her in his grasp, he wasn't leaving.

When Lucy finally couldn't find the will to cry any longer, neither said a word. He simply lifted her in his arms and ignored the vacancy in her eyes and the tears still streaming down her blotchy cheeks while he carried her to the bed. It was a little dusty, but Lucy didn't seem to mind all that much as she was settled beneath the covers.

A single look was shared between them, and he removed his visor and shirt, then climbed in next to her. She melted against him, resting her head on his chest and listening to the steady beating of his heart.

* * *

_**Hope is a distance unreached  
Ink on his skin incomplete** _

* * *

The soft yellow glow from lacrima-powered lamps lined the streets of a sleepy Magnolia. And down thin, dripping alleys rested the undercurrent of the town. The lost and forgotten, the desperate.

Among them, hidden in the shadows and slipping from one alley to the far corner of Magnolia park, then down to the litter-filled streets of downtown, were the Dealers.

Magnolia had only a few who patrolled the streets and sold their wares. And most of them worked for only one woman. But there was one, the best pusher of products, whose mossy green hair was well-known only to his customers. During colder months, there was no way to see Axel's hair beneath the cap of his beanie, which meant they needed to look for the chimera tattoo on his forearm. Something that was always visible when he had product to sell, and when the coast was clear to make a purchase.

This secret code was the reason he was never caught dealing.

And because he made sure to move after every sale, there were no lines of addicts standing around him all trying to make their own purchases.

It was because of this, that he was caught unaware by a heavy hand around his throat and a broad chest against his spindly back. Hot breath licked across his face, smelling of mint and whiskey. He struggled against the iron grip tightening around his throat and cutting off his air, then crumpled to the ground as a fist connected with the side of his head.

"Fuck," Axel coughed, blinking away the spots in his vision. "L-Look, man… I-"

A heavy boot came crashing into his ribs, pinning him to the wall. Axel tried to protect himself, crying out as he was lifted into the air by his shirt and slammed against the slippery stone wall. There wasn't enough light in the alley to see his attacker's face. Only a pair of icy blue eyes, wide and crazed.

"D-Don't kill me…"

His attacker said nothing, instead choosing to draw back his fist and send it sailing into Axel's face again and again.

* * *

_**And the faint sound of friends as she nears  
To the end she had peace** _

* * *

The apartment was silent as Lucy and Bickslow laid in her bed, simply staring at the ceiling and letting the lacrima light from the street below cascade in through the closed window. They'd missed dinner entirely, but neither had wanted to move from the bed. They hadn't been able to sleep, either, for very different reasons.

Lucy, because she couldn't find the will to close her eyes when just blinking brought up memories of the past with her father.

Bickslow, because he was too restless to sleep. No matter how tired he was right then, he just couldn't get his body relaxed enough to actually drift off even for a few minutes.

He'd listened to her try to speak several times over the past hour, how her lips would part and she'd pull in a staggering breath. And then nothing. It would all rush out on a nearly silent sigh. And every time, just like right then, his arm tightened around her and his thumb drew gentle circles on her waist.

He didn't blame her for not really knowing what to say, though. He wasn't sure what to say to her, or if he really should say anything at all.

But, maybe Lucy just needed a way to start so she could figure out where to go from there.  _'Freed would be so much better at this… Or Ever. They're good at talking to people.'_  But Bickslow wanted to at least try. For Lucy's sake.

So he took a slow breath and rolled onto his side, winding his other arm around the blonde and pushing both hands beneath her shirt to trail his fingers across her back. She didn't look up at him, instead choosing to bury her face in his bare chest. Bickslow quietly kissed her hair before he finally found something he could say.

"Could you tell me about him?" he whispered.

She shook her head then, staying silent as Bickslow's fingers drifted higher on her back and easily flicked the clasp on her bra apart. Before she could question what he was doing, Lucy sighed as he drew slow, tender circles where the strap had been.

"Is that okay?" She nodded and he smiled while massaging the length of her spine. Being able to feel her relax, even just a little bit right then, was a godsend. "I just figured," he continued, "I won't get to meet him like you wanted. So, maybe, you could tell me what he was like…"

" _Bickslow, that is NOT what she wants to hear right now!"_  Papa bellowed in the Seith mage's head.

"I-I just mean, y'know… I, um… I'm curious about it," he amended, wincing when her teary eyes lifted to stare up at him. "What it was like for you, growing up with a dad…"

"You didn't grow up with a dad?" Lucy whispered with a frown. Oh, she remembered all too well what Papa had told her that day. Everything he'd said about Bickslow's parents, how he'd been raised - or rather, left to fend for himself - and that he'd eventually left home.

Bickslow shook his head. God, he wished his visor was on right then so she couldn't see him looking away in shame. "I didn't really have anyone growing up, Lucy," he admitted. "My mom died when I was in the hospital…" Shit, he hadn't told her about that, had he? Maybe she wouldn't ask why he was hospitalized. "And my dad… He died when I was fifteen, so… He might have not even  _been_  my dad though, so who knows?"

"What do you mean?"

This was good. Lucy was talking again. He wasn't exactly all that comfortable telling her about his childhood, but if it would help her for the time being, then he guessed he could try talking about it.

It wasn't like he'd ever told anyone about it to begin with.

"Well," he sighed, closing his eyes as his brows drew together. If he kept his hands busy, maybe it wouldn't be so weird to talk about his parents. So Bickslow just kept massaging her back. "My mom was a hooker. It never clicked until I was older, what she did or why so many guys were in and out of the house every night, but… I think she was doing it when she got pregnant with me. And she just… didn't stop after she had me."

"That must have been… confusing."

"Yeah," he snorted, "But there was one guy who lived with us. Or we lived with him, I'm not sure. He, uh, well I called him Dad. I don't know if he really  _was_  my dad, but he's the only one who stuck around. I know he hated that I was even there, though."

"Why do you say that?" she frowned.

" _Kid, the fuck did I tell you about bothering me?" Seven-year-old Bickslow took a step back when his father's hand raised to strike him. He watched as the man leaned closer to the table and sucked in the line of white powder beneath his nose. "Damn, that's good…"_

Bickslow opened his eyes to find Lucy watching him. "I just… We didn't really get along until after my mom died."

"Because he missed her?" she asked. Lucy really hoped that was the case, but that was dashed when she felt Bickslow start massaging her back with a little more purpose. "Bix?"

"Baby, just be glad you didn't have to watch your dad suffer," he finally said. "I know, it's probably  _not_  what you wanna hear, but you can just remember him the way you saw him before. Last time. And not all sick or anything else."

"Bix, what are you saying?" she scowled. She felt the deep stab of betrayal in her gut while looking at him. How the hell could he even say something like that? What kind of daughter would she be if she hadn't  _wanted_  to be with her father in the end? "I would have wanted to be there for him in his last moments."

"So he could look you right in the eye just before he dies?" he asked. His voice was flat, his face more serious than she'd probably ever seen it before. This wasn't shame for his careless words, but something different. Something cold and uncaring. Maybe even bitter. But Lucy just couldn't understand why he was acting like this now.

" _Bickslow,"_  Papa said gently.  _"Maybe, don't talk about this…"_

" _You're getting upset,"_  Pepe added.

" _Lucy needs you to be calm right now,"_ chimed in Popo.

"At least I would have been able to tell him that I love him!"

" _Bickslow,"_  Papa warned,  _"Don't say-"_

"Yeah, well you have no idea what it's like watching someone you love die," Bickslow hissed. God, couldn't she just understand something so simple? Lucy had never seen someone die. And she definitely hadn't seen it the way he had countless times. But that first one, that changed you. He knew from experience. "And how do you know if he would have said he loved you back? Maybe he just  _wanted_  to die."

"Bickslow!" the totems shouted as Lucy's jaw dropped and she sucked in a sharp, shuddering gasp. "Inappropriate!"

"I know he loved me," Lucy sniffled while sitting up and pushing Bickslow's hands off of her skin.

"But you'd still choose watching his soul fly away, because he didn't give a shit about you enough to realize you needed him," Bickslow spat.

" _Bickslow, that's not it,"_  Papa said.  _"That wasn't Lucy's father…"_

"No, Papa," Bickslow huffed, not realizing he was speaking aloud, "I know." When Lucy glared at him, her eyes brimming with tears, he shook his head and quickly got out of the bed. "I need to get outta here."

The blonde was silent while he pulled his shirt back on and yanked his visor up from where he'd dropped it on the floor hours ago.

"Bickslow, where are you going?" Pepe asked while hovering over her head.

"Somewhere I'm wanted," he shot back over his shoulder, not taking a moment to look at the suddenly wide-eyed stare Lucy was giving him.

"Bickslow, get back here!" Papa shouted. He darted out of the room after the Seith mage, hovering around his head as he put his shoes back on.

"You're being stupid!" Pupu yelled from the hallway.

"Fuck off, Pupu!" Bickslow shouted. God, he needed to just go. Just be somewhere alone for a while. It was while he stomped one foot into his shoe that he heard Lucy's footsteps thundering closer.

"No, Bickslow," she spat. "Fuck you! Don't talk to your babies that way! They're just trying to-"

"To do what?!" he shouted, rounding on her. "To tell me I'm being a dumbass? Well, I'm not! If anyone's the idiot here, it's you!"

"Me?!"

"Yes!"

He didn't know when he'd gotten so close to her, when he'd leaned over the blonde and ended up yelling in her face, but Bickslow couldn't find the filter in his head in that moment. Things he'd never dared tell anyone came pouring out, and he was too far gone to care. Not when he knew that Lucy was going to feel like a moron when she had everything put in perspective.

* * *

_**Where does a star go from here  
Lost in the grip** _

* * *

"You wanna know what it's like? Watching someone die right in front of you, and there's nothing you can do to stop it? You'd really want to watch your dad die, right in front of your fucking eyes?!"

#

_Bickslow tumbled to the floor with a groan, barely conscious as he rubbed a hand over his face. How long had it been that he'd slept? He really couldn't be sure, but he was starving. When was the last time he ate something?_

_He sort of remembered shooting up for a few days in a row, sitting in the living room while his father counted cash at the rickety kitchenette. Customers came and went, day and night, but Bickslow hadn't slept through any of that._

_It was only when he'd finally needed to come down that he'd used a different needle, the one they kept in the silverware drawer specifically for heroin. Just one shot and he was able to pass out in his bed. Maybe it had been a few days, then. Not like it really mattered._

_"Bickslow, are you alright?" Papa's silent voice asked._

_"Fine," he sighed. His eyes barely opened to look at the little silver bracelet on his wrist that he'd stolen from some junkie, the only place safe enough to keep Papa's soul. "So hungry…"_

_It took every ounce of his energy to finally get up from the floor, and he cringed at the smell of urine clinging to his pajama pants. Damn, he hadn't even woken up to piss? With a heavy sigh, Bickslow pulled his clothes off and tossed them into a corner of the room, then rummaged around in his mostly empty dresser for a pair of boxers. It wasn't like he really needed to wear much more than that._

_When he finally found his last clean pair - that reminded him, they would need to do some laundry soon - Bickslow stumbled out his bedroom and down the hallway. He needed a shower before he could get dressed, after all. And maybe that would wake him up enough so he could get rid of the crawling sensation under his skin._

_"Dad," he called out into the silent house, "You here? I need some more."_

_No answer._

_Bickslow frowned but nudged the bathroom door with his foot while scratching at an open scab on his wrist from an injection the week before. It took several moments of blinking away the bright fluorescent lights to see anything._

_Namely, his father sitting in the full bathtub, naked and mumbling to himself while shooting another batch of meth into his neck. His arms had been ruined over the years, the veins blown out and too weak to get a needle in._

_Bickslow just stared, uncomprehending, as his father dropped the needle and his neck twitched once. Twice._

_"Fuck, it's a demon!"_

_Bickslow frowned and looked behind him, then back toward the tub. "Huh? Dad, what the hell? I need a shower, so get out… Go grab me a needle, alright? I need it."_

_"You're a demon!" his father yelped. "You killed my bitch!"_

_"What're you talking about?" Bickslow gave another slow blink, the boxers sliding from his grasp when he saw their toaster oven plugged into the nearby outlet that his mom had used to straighten her wiry hair, the appliance barely steady where it was perched on the edge of the sink. "D-Dad?"_

_"I knew I couldn't sleep with a demon," he muttered. "That's why I stayed awake! You can't suck out my soul if I'm awake!"_

_Bickslow gagged when his father grabbed the toaster oven, instantly smelling the acrid stench of burning flesh when his fingers curled around the red-hot coils. "Dad, cut that shit out."_

_Their eyes locked and in an instant, the glaze over his father's eyes cleared. They flashed with recognition and his chapped lips curled in disgust. "You were a fucking mistake," he spat. "I told that bitch to abort you. Lost my best fucking slut because of you."_

_Bickslow was frozen in place as he watched the toaster oven fall into the water, sending the murky brown liquid spattering across the walls and floor as his dad began convulsing. The lights in the bathroom flickered in warning, but all he could focus on was the whites of his dad's eyes as they rolled back in his head. How it sounded when his arms and legs flailed and cracked against the tiles and ceramic siding._

_The outlet popped and sparked and sizzled, but he couldn't do a thing aside from watch. A bright green orb burst from within his chest, unobscured by the water, and hovered in the air for several breathless moments before shattering into hundreds of motes of light._

_And finally, it was done. The water was still. His dad was unmoving. The lights were still on though._

_"... Dad?" Bickslow whimpered. He took a small step forward, then paused when he felt the bracelet holding Papa wrench his arm away from the bathroom._

_"There's water on the floor," Papa warned. "Stay away from it."_

_"D-Dad?" Bickslow said again. "Come on… W-Wake up…"_

_"Bickslow, we need to leave here."_

_"Dad, come on… It's… I-It's not funny anymore."_

_"Bickslow-"_

_He stumbled back against the wall, one hand flying up to scratch at his chest as he fought for his every breath. Bickslow wasn't sure how he managed to get to the kitchen where the rest of his dad's inventory was at, but he was more than thankful to find several lines of cocaine already cut and waiting._

_"Bickslow, put some clothes on!" Papa shouted._

_His eyes fluttered after he'd finished snorting the final line. Bickslow didn't even care about when the last time was that they'd cleaned the table as his tongue dragged over the sticky surface to pull up the last remnants of the pale powder._

_"Clothes," he whispered. "Right… Need clothes…" Still, he didn't move away from the table until he'd found a spare needle and prepped a large dose of clear fluid, then shot it right into his arm. "Fuck… Yes…"_

_"Bickslow, focus!"_

_"Right," he laughed. "Clothes… Where… Uh…"_

_"The dresser! Stop taking the drugs, Bickslow!"_

_"I need 'em… Damn… That was fast…"_

#

Bickslow glared down at the stunned blonde, taking a step back and putting his visor on. "Don't be a fucking idiot, Lucy," he snarled. "You have  _nothing_  on the shit I've seen. So, like I said, be  _glad_  you didn't watch your dad die, because if you did…" He shook his head and made his way to the door, only pausing once it was open. "If you did, then you'd be a fuck-up like me."

Lucy jumped when he slammed the door nearly hard enough to rip it from its hinges. She was finally at a loss for what to do, and stood staring at the door while bitterness welled in her chest.

"Lucy," Papa said softly, floating over to where the other totems were still hovering around her, "He had no right to talk to you that way."

"It doesn't matter," she huffed. Lucy turned away from the door and ignored the sinking feeling she had as she walked across the apartment toward the kitchen. "You're welcome to stay, but if you want to follow  _him_  I'll open the window and you can go find him."

"You're not going after Bickslow?" Popo whispered.

Lucy scoffed while grabbing a rag and hunching down to look at her cleaning supplies. Everything was expired. And she knew for a fact that the bleach she was ready to throw all over the apartment would only spread more germs. That last six months, not seven damn years.

"Lucy, he needs you," Pipi said, flying back when she slammed the cupboard and stood quickly.

"Yeah, well maybe if he hadn't been a total fucking asshole, I'd be running after him!"

"Lucy," the totems hummed worriedly.

She ignored them after that, instead shaking out a garbage bag and storming through the apartment to her bathroom. She tossed all of her toiletries into the bag. It was all expired. Worthless.

Just like her and everyone else who had been stuck on Tenrou for the last seven years, this shampoo and that soap, all of her nail polish, was pointless now.

* * *

_**Nobody's watching  
Drowning in words so sweet** _

* * *

Bickslow was halfway across town before he realized that his babies hadn't followed him. That did  _not_ , however, stop him from storming down the street on a direct path to where he knew Axel would be at - assuming he'd kept his same circuit over the last few years. Thoughts of the past always brought him crawling back to his dealer. The more he remembered, the more he needed to get high just so he could  _stop_ fucking remembering.

But Bickslow didn't even have money on him. His wallet was empty. Maybe he could get Axel to spot him just enough so he could go on a job and get the hell away from Magnolia for a little bit.

He wouldn't have been thinking about anything like this if it hadn't been for Lucy though. It was her fault. He made a point of  _not_  thinking about his parents or his childhood, or anything that had happened to him before he'd come to Magnolia. Hell, he hated thinking about the things he'd done  _since_  coming here more often than not.

Bickslow twisted his neck one way and another to try and ease the unsettling feeling of bugs crawling beneath his flesh. He couldn't scratch. No matter how badly he needed it, he couldn't scratch himself and start tearing his skin off.

"Fuck, where the hell is he?" he muttered. Bickslow patted his pockets when he was sure he heard someone walking down an alley, more than ready to give Axel even the few Jewels - hell, even a pack of gum! - he might have had just for something to send his ass soaring.

His hand closed around his wallet and he pulled it from his pocket, then flipped it open while darting over to a street lamp to count just how much money he had. Axel knew he was good for it, after all. It shouldn't be too much of a problem for just a…

Lucy's smiling face stared back at him from the only picture sitting in his wallet. With her head tilted and resting on his where he'd been lying on her shoulder. All of his babies, cuddled up to both of them.

Bickslow hated this picture.

It showed him just what he looked like while coming down. The exhaustion he couldn't hide. When he saw himself, trying to smile at the camera, all he could see were the years of life he'd wasted with drugs. The bags under his eyes from however long it had been since he'd slept before the picture was taken.

His shirt was on in the picture, but he knew what lay beneath it. Too many scars from him picking at his skin, scratching himself raw, fighting just so he had enough money to buy more drugs.

Every day of his life had been about it, since well before his father had shot him up with it that first time.

But Lucy, she just looked so happy right then. So content to sit with a piece of shit like him. She didn't bat an eye over his babies being near her, over  _him_  laying on her. He'd used her time and again, but she let him. And it had all been under the pretense that she was helping him.

He'd known that, no matter what, he could count on the blonde.

But she couldn't count on him.

No one could.

The footsteps drew closer. Bickslow's hands shook where they held his wallet open, with soft light from the lacrima-powered lamp streaming down onto the opened leather. She needed him and where was he? Far the hell away from her and trying to score more drugs.

"I-I can't do this," he whimpered.

The one time Lucy really needed him, and he'd fucked it all up by yelling at her. By bringing his own baggage into the mix when he hadn't meant to. But he'd been trying to help. That's what he'd told himself. He wanted her to see that watching her father die wasn't going to make this any easier on her.

But she was still hurting. She'd only just found out about it. That the man she'd been talking about reconnecting with, just that morning, was dead. There was no way for her to make things right between them now.

God, what kind of fucking monster was he? He couldn't even be compassionate enough to see that Lucy didn't need someone yelling at her about her own dad being dead?

He didn't have his babies there to tell him what to do, what the right thing  _was_  to do. But Bickslow didn't need them. Not this time.

He shuddered when he heard those same footsteps again, closer than before and coming from the alley he was standing in front of. This wasn't one of Axel's normal spots that he knew of. It didn't sound like Axel's footsteps either. But that didn't matter.

Bickslow turned and dashed back the way he'd come, stuffing his wallet back into his pants. He didn't look back to determine whether it was actually someone walking out of the alley or just him hearing things again.

The voices weren't bothering him, but that didn't mean he couldn't hear something else entirely. It wasn't like it would be the first time he heard something that wasn't there, even while sober.

Still, he fought against his tiredness while running at full speed down the sleepy streets of Magnolia. No one was awake, at least not law-abiding citizens. Not at four in the morning.

When he was only two blocks from his destination, Bickslow stopped. He was breathless, panting and doubling over to try and calm his racing heart. Damn, when was the last time he'd run like that without being high? The drugs made it so he didn't notice his body's limits, so he could push himself farther than he really should.

It took several minutes for him to calm down again, but once he stood and looked down at his reflection in the canal, Bickslow grimaced. He looked like shit, even with his visor on. He felt even worse, though. But this was something he had to do. Not the drugs. He couldn't keep relying on them, and he knew that.

So, Bickslow removed his visor and did his best to mop up the sweat dotting his brow. He didn't try to put it back on, even when he saw his eyes flickering between red and a glowing green. Instead, he tucked the metal under his arm and ran a hand through his hair to try and fix it a little, then turned and continued on his way.

He'd left, done some thinking, and now it was time to prove to himself that he could stay sober.  _'I can do this. I don't need drugs.'_

Every step he took toward the apartment felt heavier, but he kept repeating the same words again and again. He  _could_  do this. He  _didn't_  need the drugs. By the time he was standing in front of Lucy's door, he was whispering it to himself.

"I don't need it," he mumbled. His hand lifted and he hesitated in knocking. Would she even be awake right now? Would she even want him to come back? It wasn't like Lucy had tried to stop him from leaving, so maybe… Maybe it would be better if he  _did_  just go find Axel.

"I don't need it," Bickslow frowned. But it would be so  _easy_  to go get high again. "I'm staying sober…" He didn't want to stay sober. He wanted to forget everything about this shitty night, his parents, his dad. He wanted to forget himself. "I-I'm staying clean…"

Then he knocked.

There was no answer at the door, but he wasn't going to leave. He couldn't.

Bickslow knew, as he stood at the threshold hoping she would answer, there was nowhere else for him to go. Nowhere else he  _could_  go and have any damn chance of actually staying clean.

He knocked again.

"I'm staying clean," he whispered, closing his eyes to help him focus. "I'm not gonna shoot up. I'm staying clean." God, he wanted it. He shuddered against the sudden onslaught of memories trickling up from the depths of his soul. "I'm not doing it."

_Bickslow clamped his eyes shut while hiding in the cupboard just under the sink, shrinking away from the fuzzy, greenish black patch on the pipe just beside his face. His hands lifted and covered his ears so he didn't have to hear his mother moaning while a belt cracked over her flesh. Once she was done, he could have his bed back._

"I'm gonna apologize," Bickslow whispered, taking a slow breath.

_She slinked out of the hallway, her sheer robe hanging open and baring her breasts. "Come on back sometime, stud," she sighed. The sound was wistful, cut off by a sultry laugh as a man's hand connected with her ass in a playful slap._

"And I'm gonna beg to stay," he said. "And I-I'll make it right."

" _You've got perfect tits," the man grinned, spinning and pushing Bickslow's mother against the refrigerator. "Just the right bounce."_

"And if she forgives me, I'll… W-We'll clean up the apartment together," Bickslow said. He shook his hands out, dropping his visor in the process. His eyes stayed closed.

_Bickslow pushed the cupboard open a little further when everything went silent, his eyes rounding as he watched his mother's leg hook over the man's hip while his pants fell to his knees. Bickslow gripped the door, unsure of what to do as his mother was slammed against the refrigerator and her lips were forcefully claimed._

_The cupboard slammed shut, pinching his fingers between the wood and sending a shrill scream out from him._

" _What the fuck was that?!"_

_The door flew open and Bickslow tried to stop himself from crying while cradling his swelling hand to his chest. He found unfamiliar eyes gazing back at him, with his scowling father standing a short distance away and his mother rushing to fix her robe._

"I'm not doing it," he hissed. Bickslow took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair again. "Sh-She'll answer. Please… Open the door…" He knocked again without looking, just a little more desperate than before.

" _What… the actual fuck?!" the man shouted, ripping the small boy out from beneath the sink. Bickslow whimpered when rough fingers grabbed his chin and forced him to look up again. "Why is there a kid under your fucking sink?!"_

" _Bickslow, shouldn't you be out playing or something?" his father spat. Bickslow knew, when he looked at the man, that_ he _had been the one to slam the door._

" _It's after midnight," the other man said. "How old are you, kid?"_

" _F-Five…" Bickslow cried harder when his injured hand was pulled away from his chest, his eyes instantly honing in on the large gash across the back and his swollen, purple fingers._

" _This kid needs to go to a hospital. You broke his fucking hand!"_

"I'm staying clean," Bickslow whimpered. "Nothing's gonna make me do it. I-I don't care what I remember… I-I'm not…"

" _It's alright, kid," the man whispered, brushing Bickslow's oily hair away from his eyes. "I'll take you to a doctor, okay?"_

_Bickslow looked to his mother as she lit up a cigarette and dropped into a chair at the table. "M-Mommy, it hurts…"_

" _Whatever, Bickslow. Go to bed. Or go with that guy."_

" _Sure," his father smirked. "Go with him. No skin off my back, you little ingrate. Maybe you'll get sucked up into some kiddy sex ring or something."_

_The man scowled over his shoulder, then turned back to Bickslow. "I won't let that happen," he whispered. "We'll just get your hand fixed, okay?"_

" _M-Mommy… It hurts…"_

" _Oh my god, whatever! Go with him, then!"_

" _I'm not paying for the fucking bill," his father spat._

_Bickslow held tightly to his teddy bear as the man carefully picked him up and left the house. He didn't hear what the police were saying to the man who brought him to the hospital. He barely knew what was happening as the doctors put a mask over his face to make him sleep. He woke up alone in a hospital bed with a cast covering his small hand._

_Tears welled on his lashes when the door to his room opened and his mother walked in with the doctor right behind her. "M-Mommy?"_

" _Oh, Bickslow," she sighed coming to sit beside him on the bed. Her fingers carded through his hair, now clean, and she smiled down at him. "How's my handsome boy doing?"_

"I-I'm not…" Bickslow took a shaky breath. "I'm staying clean."

"That's good to hear."

His eyes flew open in an instant to find Lucy standing in the doorway with her arms crossed. She looked downright pissed at him even being there in the first place, most likely having woken her up when she was trying to actually get some sleep. He shouldn't have come here. He should have stayed away.

"Bix, why are you crying?" she whispered.

* * *

_**Mild is the water  
Caught as a bird once free** _

* * *

He shook his head then, his lips thinning to a line. "I-I'm the stupid one," he whimpered. "I'm sorry." She didn't move toward him, simply watching as more tears careened down his cheeks. When had he started crying? "I yelled at you, and… That was stupid. I-I'm sorry, Lucy."

"Why are you crying?" she asked again. He sniffled as his babies slowly floated toward the door and hovered in the air around her.

She was lucky, he realized. People always loved Lucy. She didn't have to hide things about herself to make people like her. She didn't need to pretend to be someone else. That was just the type of person she was. Likable. Lovable, really. Her parents loved her, everyone in the guild loved her.

"I'm an idiot," he whispered, staring at the ground. "Th-They never loved me, but that doesn't mean your dad was like them."

"What are you talking about?" she frowned.

"My mom and dad. Th-They hated me, and I took that out on you, a-and…" His hand swiped across his eyes before he crossed his arms over his stomach. "L-Lucy, if I can't stay here anymore, c-could you call Freed and ask him to come get me? I don't wanna be alone."

"Do you think you'll go out and do it again?"

He shook his head quickly, still not looking at her. "I don't want to. I came back here instead of buying anything, but I don't know if I'd make it over to his house by myself."

"You don't trust yourself?"

"No."

"Why should I let you stay here when you treated me like that?" she asked. "You were yelling in my face, Bickslow."

"I-I don't know why I did that," he said quickly. "Thinking about my dad… The drugs make me  _not_  think about that. B-Baby, I'm sorry. Could I just come inside for a minute?" He could feel that same hunger crawling around his spine and settling just behind his eyes. Finally, he looked at her, wincing when he saw the soft glow of his magic flickering across her face.

Her lips pursed and she tightened her hold on herself, her arms crossing just a little more. She was still mad at him. He could see it. She wasn't going to let him come in. They weren't going to talk things through. He wasn't even sure if she would be willing to help him one last time so he could get to Freed's house.

But Lucy knew he didn't have anywhere to go. She knew. He'd told her as much before she'd offered to let him live with her. And in less than a day, he'd gone and fucked it all up. He lost the only place he could have gone before he could even get his shit from Laxus' house.

"Okay," he nodded. "Sorry for bothering you… I-I'll, um, go to Freed's."

Lucy was silent as Bickslow picked up his visor and started walking down the stairs. She didn't try to stop him, yet again, and that was when he knew that something like a silly apology wasn't going to make a difference. Not in the slightest. He listened to her door close once he'd reached the last step just before the bottom landing.

His babies hadn't even come after him. They'd chosen her instead. Really, he didn't blame them. He wasn't worth it.

Bickslow's will to even keep standing failed, and he dropped heavily onto the stairs, curling into a ball and trying to keep himself quiet as he cried. "I-I'm gonna stay clean," he sniffled.

It hurt though. He'd thought Lucy would forgive him again. He hadn't even gotten high! But this was so much worse than telling her that he wasn't going to do drugs and doing it anyway. He'd hurt her more than when she'd found out he kissed Felicia in that club.

"I w-won't go buy anything…"

He didn't hear the nearby door opening, or the building's landlady peeking out to glare at the moron making a racket at three in the morning. Her eyes widened when she saw Bickslow sitting there, how his hands twitched before he tucked them between his legs, his head resting against the wall and tears glistening on his cheeks.

"I'm gonna s-stay clean…"

"Young man," she whispered, but he didn't hear her. "Can I call someone for you?"

"Just gotta call Freed and… And he'll help me… He won't let me buy it. If I tell him, he'll... He w-won't hate me."

The landlady took a step toward Bickslow, then paused when she saw Lucy standing on the steps just behind him. It looked as though she'd been there the whole time this was going on. And while she wanted nothing more than to yell at the blonde for not keeping her new roommate under control and locked in the apartment, so he wouldn't disturb the other tenants, she also knew that Lucy had only just found out about her father's passing. And she'd heard a good portion of their argument through the floor of Lucy's apartment earlier that night.

Finally, Lucy's shoulders slumped in resignation and she let out a heavy sigh while padding down the final steps to Bickslow. Instead of sitting next to him, though, she took a seat on the step behind him and carefully wrapped her arms around his quaking shoulders.

"Bix, come inside."

"I-I'm sorry, Lucy…"

"I know." She looked up at the totems as they floated down to her. "I'm sorry, too." It hadn't been easy getting past her anger with him, and she still sort of wasn't. But she saw something that had her rethinking trying to push Bickslow out of her life.

He'd stopped. He hadn't just left this time and wandered around Magnolia all night. Sure, he'd pretty much collapsed and looked like he was on the verge of losing his mind, but she finally saw just how hard he was trying to stay sober.

For the first time since she'd dropped into his life, Lucy was seeing him  _really trying_.

His hand twitched as it came to rest over hers.

"Let's go home, baby," she whispered. "It's been a long day." Her grip around his shoulders tightened and she leaned forward to kiss his jaw. "I'm so proud of you, Bix."

The landlady was silent as Bickslow forced himself to stand, and she let out a secret smile when Lucy's hand clasped with his while she led him back up the stairs and into her apartment. She went back into her own apartment, closing the door and locking it, then moved back to her bedroom. "Support at home is the first step on the road to recovery," she whispered while laying down. Just before she removed her glasses, she looked over to the picture on her nightstand.

Her late-husband smiled back at her from the frame.

"Say it with me, Jonathon," she whispered. "Just like we used to…"

She removed her glasses and laid them next to the picture, then closed her eyes.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change," she prayed. "Courage to change the things I can… And the wisdom to know the difference."

* * *

__**I don't mind  
Nobody's watching  
Drowning in words so sweet**

* * *

A lone figure stepped out of the alley, his fists covered in blood that wasn't his own. Bright blue eyes followed the retreating form of Fairy Tail's Seith mage as he ran down the street, further from the place his dealer had been.

Laxus looked down at his shirt, frowning at the spattered crimson across his clothes. He refused to look back at Axel's crumpled, lifeless body. But this had been necessary, and since he wasn't a member of Fairy Tail, if it was ever discovered that he'd done this no one could blame the guild.

He looked toward where Bickslow had run one last time, then shook his head and turned toward his own home. "Try killing my best friend now, asshole," he muttered to the night air.

No one was going to stop Bickslow from getting clean. Laxus would make sure of that.

* * *

__**Mild is the water  
Caught as a bird once free  
I don't mind**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of this chapter comes from Ep. 124 "The Seven-Year Gap." (Bonus points if you can pinpoint which exact part is from the episode. I'll give you a hint, it isn't in the dialogue of the show).


	19. Upside Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Jack Johnson: Upside Down

 

_**Who's to say** _   
_**What's impossible** _   
_**Well they forgot** _   
_**This world keeps spinning** _

* * *

Bickslow hadn't really thought about what it would be like to actually live with Lucy when he'd agreed to move in the day before. Well, not past the fact that he'd be able to come home to someone who wanted him to be there, that she'd support him in staying clean, and the little joke about her being in nothing but a towel. He'd slept over more times than he could count in the past few months, and she'd always taken care of him.

But he figured it was because Lucy was just being a good hostess. He didn't think she would keep it up. Except he was pulled from his restless sleep on the couch by the smell of food cooking. Something really delicious. And while he'd done nothing more than lay there, staring at nothing in particular and barely hearing her talking - maybe to herself or his babies, he figured - Lucy set the table and made her way over to him. Her fingers brushed through his hair, across his cheeks and back up while she knelt in front of the couch.

"Ready to wake up?"

"What time is it?"

She glanced at the clock on her desk. "Almost two. I made lunch." She didn't look mad at him for sleeping so late though. She never did. Except Bickslow kind of felt like an asshole for sleeping so long when they had things to do. They needed to restock everything - groceries, cleaning supplies, all of it - and clean up the apartment, then go and get his boxes from Laxus' house.

When he looked around, he realized Lucy had already dusted, swept and mopped. The place was sparkling. He could even smell chemicals from her cleaning. That could only mean she'd gone out to buy them while he was passed out.

"You went shopping?"

"I tried to wake you up earlier," she giggled. "But you mumbled something about 'sleepy time is sacred' so I figured I'd just let you rest."

While Bickslow could see the logic in it, it didn't mean he had to like the fact that he'd apparently made Lucy do everything on her own. How many bags had she been trying to lug around all by herself? It wasn't like he thought Lucy couldn't handle her own shopping or anything, but if he was going to be living with her, then he wanted to pull his own weight. And he especially wanted to make up for the bullshit he'd put her through the night before.

"I had Virgo help me carry the bags though," she said. Well, that made him feel at least a little better, he supposed. "So, come on. We've got grilled cheese and salad."

He finally found a smile crawling its way across his lips when she kissed the tattooed space between his eyebrows. "Thanks, baby," he whispered.

"For what?"

He watched her walk back toward the table and slowly sat up, then stretched. "Everything," he said. "You kinda spoil me."

"A little bit. But as long as you're aware that I'm spoiling you, I think I won't have to worry about you turning into a brat."

He took a seat at the table, rubbing his eyes to help him wake up just a little more and laughing at the sight of his sandwich cut in half diagonally. Thankfully, the crusts were  _not_  cut off. He wasn't a little kid, after all. "So, what's left to do today?"

Lucy swallowed a bite of her sandwich. "Just picking your stuff up and doing some organizing. Probably heading down to the guild if you want?"

"Guild sounds good."

This was good, Bickslow figured. Even though their conversation would have been boring to anyone else, just planning out what they were doing for the day, he loved it. Because this was something he knew that normal people did. Normal  _couples_  did things like eating lunch together and chatting. That's what happened in movies. It's what he'd seen plenty of people doing while out at cafés around town. Sure, he'd done things like this with his team - well, more like Laxus, Evergreen, and Freed sat and planned shit out and Bickslow just went along for the ride most times - but it was different with Lucy somehow.

"Bix?"

He blinked and found Lucy staring at him with a raised brow. "Huh?"

"You zoned out," she said, smiling and taking another bite of her salad. "Your food's getting cold."

"Oh…" He glanced down at her plate to find that she was almost done, then to his own that was still untouched. "Sorry."

"It's fine." He just hoped she hadn't been trying to talk to him.

" _We told her you were thinking,"_ Papa said.  _"Lucy just watched you."_

" _And gave a commentary on your 'cute smile,'"_ Popo added.

" _Adorable smile,"_ Pipi corrected.

" _Either way,"_  Pepe said,  _"Lucy understands you lose track of time when you're not high."_

" _We were talking to her though,"_  Pupu said.

Bickslow shook his head and started eating. Even though his sandwich had gone cold, he didn't mind it. And he spent the rest of his meal talking to Lucy about anything and everything they could think of. She seemed happier than the night before, but he knew she hadn't forgotten about her dad dying. Maybe she was just better at working through things than he was.

He did, however, know not to bring it up.

* * *

_**And with each new day  
I can feel a change in everything** _

* * *

On their way to the guild, Bickslow and Lucy paused at the sight of a large group of people gathered around the mouth of an alley with Rune Knights milling about and holding them back. They could have easily gone around, but Lucy had pushed through to find out just what was going on, and he simply followed her.

"Someone got murdered?" one person whispered.

"Yeah, I heard it was some drug dealer that got offed by one of his customers," said another.

Yellow tape cordoned off the area as they finally came to the front of the crowd. They couldn't see much, but Bickslow felt his stomach flip when he realized that this was where he'd been the night before, when he'd been looking for Axel instead of staying at the apartment to talk things out with Lucy. He'd heard footsteps coming from this alley.

"Serves him right, feeding people's addictions like that," someone said from just behind him.

"It's disgusting. His head was ripped clean off. I was on the other side and there are Knights over there too, and there's just a sheet over it."

Bickslow shivered and tightened his grip on Lucy's hand, unaware that she was in the process of thinking back to when she'd found Bickslow in this same alley after Fantasia, in the process of overdosing. The crowd moved as the Rune Knights pushed forward, making way for the gurney being brought out by medics. They couldn't see anything, even though Bickslow really didn't want to, aside from a white sheet over the body on the gurney.

Lucy pulled him back a little more while the medics brought the body out of the alley, both of them listening intently to the murmurs in the crowd and the squeaking wheels that protested being taken over cobblestones.

After one particularly jarring push, an arm slipped out from beneath the sheet and Bickslow ignored the appalled gasps around them as his gaze honed in on it. The pale, bruise-mottled flesh, dirty fingers spattered with blood, and there on the forearm, a far too familiar chimera tattoo that only belonged to one person he knew.

"Let's get outta here," Bickslow whispered, thanking his babies silently as they lined up for him and Lucy to climb on. Thankfully, it didn't really take much prompting to get her to go with him, and as they rushed away from the crime scene, he held her tighter than before. "Fuck…"

"Bix, are you okay?"

He wanted to lie and say that he was, but he just couldn't. "No, that was… Damnit, that was Axel…"

* * *

_**And as the surface breaks reflections fade  
But in some ways they remain the same** _

* * *

"Axel?" she frowned. "As in your-"

"Yeah, my dealer." God, if Axel had been in that alley, getting killed while Bickslow was right there, who was to say that he wouldn't have been next? Granted, he had his magic, but his babies had been at the apartment with Lucy the night before, not with him. It meant he'd been seriously limited on what he could have done to defend himself.

"That's horrible," she whispered.

He was suddenly more thankful than before that he'd found the will to leave that place, to go back home to Lucy instead of searching for Axel and shooting up. Bickslow didn't even want to think about who could have done something like that, who would have had the motivation to do something so fucking horrible.

He definitely didn't want to think about how he would have reacted to  _finding_  Axel's corpse.

Axel wasn't a bad guy. Sure, his job was pretty much the definition of sketchy, and he didn't exactly help matters when Bickslow was trying to get clean, but he was still a good guy. He was generous, funny, and… Dead, now.

"Baby, I… I don't think we can go to the guild," Bickslow said. His babies flew through the air and out of Magnolia toward the little clearing he'd taken her to before when he'd aligned her chakras. Somewhere familiar was best, they'd told him.

"How come?"

"I'm freaking out."

"Why?" she asked, stepping down onto the grass and instantly getting pulled back into his arms. "Bix, what is it?"

"I… I was there last night." Lucy tried to pull back, but he held fast. "I heard someone coming," he whispered quickly, "I was looking in my wallet to see if I had money, but… A-And then I came home. I saw your picture, and I came home."

"Bix, what are you saying?" she asked, pushing her hands between them and pulling his visor off. "Did you see who killed Axel?"

He shook his head. "No, I ran off. I thought it was him, and… I didn't wanna get high."

"Then why were you looking for him?"

"I was gonna see if he'd give me some until I could pay him back," he admitted. "But… I stopped myself, and I came home to you. I just… I was there! He was getting killed and… and I didn't stop it, but… Baby… I-I could've been killed too, and th-then you-" If he'd been killed the night before, Lucy wouldn't have known about it right away. And when she finally did find out, it would have just been one more person she cared about that died. She'd just lost her dad. Bickslow didn't want to leave her too. She would have been devastated if he'd died too.

She let out a slow breath and gently pulled him to kneel on the ground with her, drawing his head down to rest against her chest. "You're fine," she whispered. "You came home, like you said."

"What if I hadn't though?" he whimpered. What if she spent the rest of her life thinking that Bickslow was only an asshole who yelled at her when she was trying to cope with the news her dad was dead? What if she hated him forever because he'd died, and hadn't gotten the chance to come back to apologize to her? She never would have known that he loved her. He never would have gotten the chance to tell her.

"But you did." She'd never really seen Bickslow quite like this, scared and shaking in her arms. "You came home, and you stayed safe and sober, Bix. That's what matters."

"I shouldn't have left last night," he whispered desperately. "I should've-"

"It's okay," she said, "Let's just stay here for a while, okay?" He nodded against her, and Lucy didn't fight it when he carefully pushed her down to the grass and curled around her. Her gaze shifted toward the sky, to the slowly passing puffs of white clouds, and her fingers carded through his hair.

And then he sneezed.

Lucy chuckled quietly. And he sneezed again. And again. Twice more in quick succession. "Bix, are you okay?"

"Uh," the totems muttered, floating around them and brushing against the white flowers that had grown in recent months. "Did anyone else know there are daisies here?"

"D-Daisies?" Bickslow asked, cursing when he sneezed another time. "Seriously?"

Lucy looked down at him to find his eyes watering as he glared at the flowers, biting her lips in amusement. "Aren't you allergic to daisies?" she asked. The last time they'd been in that clearing, it was winter so there hadn't been any flowers on the ground. And that was seven years ago, so maybe the daisies had started growing in the time they'd been gone.

Bickslow turned his glare toward her, but it was considerably diminished by his incessant sneezing.

"Let's get over to Laxus' house," she snickered. "Before you sneeze up a lung."

"Oh, shut…" He paused to sneeze, wiping his nose with the back of his hand, then his eyes with his sleeve. "Shut up."

"You're not gonna puff up and need an epi-pen or anything, are you?" she asked, still lying on the ground with Bickslow on top of her.

"No, just some tissues…" When he sneezed on her face and his babies giggled, Bickslow groaned in defeat. "And my pride back! I hate these stupid flowers!"

* * *

_**And as my mind begins to spread its wings  
There's no stopping curiosity** _

* * *

Two days after getting Bickslow's boxes from Laxus' house, he still hadn't tried to unpack anything. The last thing he wanted was to clutter up Lucy's apartment. It was bad enough that he was sleeping on her couch and being a freeloader. He didn't need to make a mess as well. Besides, she really didn't have a whole lot in the way of space as it was.

They had already been down to the guild and eaten dinner, and both he and Lucy were going to be parting ways in the morning for their teams to go on separate missions. Bickslow was, in all honesty, worried as hell over what the next few days would entail. He'd never taken a  _real_  job without drugs. The closest he'd come, that he could remember, was that one job with Freed. Helping a little old lady with her stones.

Bickslow smiled where he laid on the couch, his arm over his eyes. That mission had been awesome, aside from the withdrawal. And he'd come back with a present for Lucy and asked her out on a date in front of the whole guild. And she'd said yes. God, sometimes he couldn't believe she'd said  _yes_  to someone like him.

He was an addict. Overall, he was an asshole and a piece of shit and so much more. And somehow, Lucy saw good in him. She saw past all the shitty things he'd done, the things he'd thought were perfectly fine while he was high, and she got to know him. Even though he was pretty sure she should have given up on him a long time ago, especially after his recent stunt with his foot in his mouth over her dad dying, she just kept coming back. She kept pulling him back out of the hellscape that lived between his ears.

And damn, did he love her for that.

He still couldn't wrap his head around that either, though. He loved her. It wasn't hard to see why he would have started to love her, but the last time he'd loved anyone it was his mother. And that sure as hell hadn't ended well. Bickslow knew the love he'd felt for his mother was different than what he felt for Lucy, but it was the only comparison he could make. It had been natural for him to love his mom, something ingrained in him because of hormonal bonding or something like that - Freed had talked about it at one point, but he couldn't remember why. Maybe it was for a mission.

But with Lucy, it was different. With her, he had a safe place to exist. He had support and arms that wrapped around him, hands that brushed away the crawling sensation under his skin. Eyes that saw him for  _him_ , that didn't judge him for all of his shortcomings. With her came lips that smiled at the sight of him and kissed his cheeks and nose so softly while they were lying in her bed.

"Bickslow," Popo giggled. "Why are you smiling like that?"

* * *

__**Who's to say  
I can't do everything  
Well I can try**

* * *

His arm slid down so he could look at the totem hovering over him. "Just happy, Popo," he said. How could he not be happy? He had a girlfriend who actually gave a shit about him, who wanted him for more than the drugs he could get at a slight discount and how many times he could make her cum with his tongue. He had Lucy and she'd taken him in and cared for him.

"It's good to see you like this," Papa said as the rest of the totems floated closer.

"It's good feeling like this," Bickslow chuckled. Sometimes it was hard to remember that his withdrawal symptoms would go away, but he was getting better, bit by bit. Day by day. He was taking it one step at a time and he knew that even if he stumbled, Lucy and his babies would be there to help him.

His smile faltered a moment later. He had Lucy and his babies, but what about someone else? Laxus was back, and he knew what had been going on with Bickslow, but he hadn't even been at home when Bickslow went to pick up his things. Part of him wondered if Laxus was really going to stick around now, and a much larger part of him was scared to try leaning on Laxus again after how he'd just left before. He'd trusted Laxus to always be there for him, and it had taken a long time for Bickslow to even feel that way in the first place. But he'd depended on Laxus being around, and at the drop of a hat he was gone. Disappeared.

Bickslow knew the reason behind his departure, but it still fucking hurt. Months later, and Bickslow still couldn't put that memory out of his head. Seeing Laxus walking away and never turning back. He only reinforced it with coming to bail Bickslow out of jail and leaving without a word.

But things were getting better for Bickslow now. He had Lucy to depend on. It wasn't that he wanted to be wholly dependent on her, but knowing that she was there and supporting him, helping him when he couldn't help himself, that she understood how he struggled with this but didn't try to do everything for him... That was a huge help. Still, he knew it was probably hard as hell for her to do this on her own. And it wasn't as though she would be going to Laxus for help in dealing with his addiction.

He'd been thinking about just coming clean to Freed and Evergreen for a while though. Telling them what was really going on with him. Bickslow couldn't remember how many times his babies had told him that he needed to let them know, that they wouldn't judge him. While he trusted his babies, he wanted another opinion on it.

Bickslow already knew that Lucy would probably agree with them, but he wanted to talk about it. He needed to. If he didn't, he'd never do anything about it. He wanted to be open with her though, and part of that - or so Papa and the others said - was talking to her about what was on his mind and not worrying that she would judge him for it.

Before he could change his mind, Bickslow rolled off the couch and made his way down the hall toward her bedroom. He paused and ran his tongue over his teeth, then grimaced.

He hadn't brushed his teeth after dinner. He could still taste the garlic from the chicken Lucy had made, and he was sure there was spinach between his teeth from the salad she'd insisted he eat. According to her, he didn't eat very well. Bickslow couldn't fault her for it. He really just ate whatever was put in front of him, and before she'd come along it was almost always takeout or little wrapped snacks from a corner store. Every once in a while, he would splurge and buy something from a restaurant, but it wasn't often.

That settled it though. He needed to brush his teeth before talking to Lucy. Instead of going to her room - where he was sure she was probably still packing her bag for her mission the next day - Bickslow turned the knob on the bathroom door and pushed it open.

And then he caught sight of an entirely naked, completely soaked from the bath she was stepping out of, Lucy. She was gorgeous.  _'Oh my god, look at her… she's… oh my god…'_

* * *

_**And as I roll along I begin to find  
Things aren't always just what they seem** _

* * *

He wasn't sure how long he'd been just staring at her, right into her wide honey eyes instead of gaping at the delectable pale flesh that teased his peripherals, but the only sound he seemed capable of making while slamming the door closed was a wholly masculine, "Eep!"

Bickslow leaned his forehead against the doorjamb. How the fuck had he forgotten that Lucy said she was going to take a bath? Okay, so it had been maybe an hour since she'd left him alone in the living room, and they both knew his memory really wasn't all that great. But he should have remembered she was going to be naked as hell and wet as hell. And so sinfully beautiful.

The shorts he'd changed into while Lucy had made dinner did absolutely nothing to hide his growing erection just from thinking about what she looked like on the other side of the closed door. Nothing at all.

Bickslow's eyes opened in a glare directed right at the tent in his shorts. "I hate you," he whispered. It twitched. The cocky little fucker twitched with excitement when he heard the shuffle of Lucy's towel over her body. Her sweet, naked body. He flicked his dick when it jumped again, and Bickslow nearly crumpled to the floor with a high-pitched howl. That… was most definitely  _not_  worth it. His knees trembled and he doubled over, pressing his hand to his crotch as tears burned at the corners of his eyes.

The bathroom door flew open and Lucy rushed out into the hallway with her brush in one hand and the other holding a towel around her. She looked down at Bickslow, her eyes wide when she saw him bent over and panting. "What happened?"

His head turned just enough to look up at her. His gaze trailed from her bare feet dotted with droplets of water, higher to the bottom of the towel high on her thighs, to her full breasts nearly spilling out of the top where it was knotted between them. Finally to her face and her still-soaked hair that had curled slightly from the steam pouring out of the bathroom. "Just flicking my boner," he whimpered. "I'll be fine in a minute."

Lucy laughed softly and shook her head at him, not missing the way his eyes trailed down to her breasts again. He let out another yelp and she jumped, nearly dropping her brush in the process. "Did… Did you just  _punch_  your dick?"

"... Yes," he squeaked.

"Bix…" Her brows furrowed slightly, and she pushed the hair from her face with the hand not holding her brush. "I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to go around punching your dick."

"Yeah, no sh-" Bickslow's head turned just in time to see Lucy's towel slip, and suddenly his throat clogged with what felt like sand, and his mouth watered. Because right in front of him, less than a foot away, was the best pair of tits he'd ever seen.

He didn't whimper when he flicked his dick again, even though he wanted to just fucking cry. He didn't make a single sound, even as Lucy looked down and screamed at the sight of her towel sitting around her hips - and still falling - baring her breasts to him. She turned and dashed toward her room, brush in one hand and her towel fluttering behind her in the other, and Bickslow finally collapsed to the floor in the hallway once her bedroom door was closed.

"Sorry!" she shouted.

"Don't be," he groaned. He had some of the best spank bank material because of this. Good fucking lord, that did  _not_  make it easier on him. Knowing what she looked like under her clothes... He was going to be jerking it in the shower for weeks just from the memory alone.

Still, his dick was throbbing, and not in the good way. Not in the way that warned of him being on the verge of cumming. No, it just fucking hurt.

So Bickslow did the only thing he could think to do. He stayed curled up in a ball on the hallway floor and cupped his groin, and took deep breaths to try and calm himself down again.

Eventually Lucy came out of her room and bit her lips while looking down at the Seith mage. She carefully stepped over him - fully dressed in yoga pants and a baggy shirt - and went to the kitchen. Bickslow didn't try to move until she was by his side once again, gently pushing him to sit up against the opposite wall. Once he did, he felt something cold and a little heavy weighing down on his hand and looked down to see Lucy had given him a baggy with ice, wrapped in a washcloth.

"Sorry about your fleshy bits," she said again.

He chuckled and started icing himself, then wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. "I'll live, I think," he said. "Sorry for walking in on you."

"You forgot, didn't you."

"Yeah," he sighed. Luckily, she didn't make him feel like a total idiot for forgetting where she was. Lucy just nodded and stayed cuddled up to him. Bickslow's head tipped back to the wall and his eyes slid closed when her fingers gently massaged across his stomach. It wasn't sexual, and thankfully the lowered temperature on his crotch made it nearly impossible to start getting aroused by it. Besides, she always did this, almost as though she could feel just where he needed her attention the most.

God, he loved that about her.

* * *

_**I want to turn the whole thing upside down  
I'll find the things they say just can't be found** _

* * *

Bickslow kind of felt like an idiot for forgetting his bag at Lucy's apartment. Especially when Freed reminded him that they were going to be away for a few days. Probably three days. It meant he'd had to send his babies back to the apartment to get his bag while they waited for the train.

Thankfully, they had made it back in time, and the Raijinshuu were able to get out of Magnolia with no problems. They'd gotten all the way to Nakushi Village and found a room to rent for the night, and Freed was just sitting them down to go over the game plan for their mission. It wasn't anything all that special. No taking down dark guilds or anything like that. Fairy Tail didn't get those kinds of missions any longer. As the Tenrou team came to find out in the past week, their reputation had tanked in the seven years they were missing.

Then again, with all the S Class mages, and the S Class candidates, gone… He could understand it. The strongest teams in the guild were assumed to be dead, and the rest just couldn't pick up the slack. So people had gone elsewhere, to other guilds that would have been hardpressed to get the job done before.

Now it was a matter of herding sheep and investigating what the locals were calling a haunted forest. Namely, they needed to get the sheep the hell away from the forest, because they were turning up dead. And no one seemed to know just why it was happening.

"- ckslow will need to handle that," Freed finished.

"Huh?" Bickslow blinked and shook his head slightly, then looked toward Freed. "What was that?"

"Did you hear anything Freed said?" Evergreen asked.

Bickslow winced beneath his visor. Even though it was just them in their hotel room, he really didn't want to have it off right then. Besides, Evergreen and Freed were used to seeing him with it on. "Sorry…"

"It is alright," Freed said. "I was saying that Evergreen and I will handle collecting the sheep while you investigate the forest."

"Oh." That made sense. If they thought it was haunted, he could see any souls that were lingering around. Except, they'd done missions like this before and he'd never been left on his own to do it. Normally Laxus had Freed or Evergreen go with him. They were always in pairs when they had to split up for things like this. Because Laxus knew not to send Bickslow out on his own, especially when he was high.

But Bickslow wasn't high this time around. He was sober. Almost painfully sober. He was having good days and bad days, and just the night before - after the bathroom incident with Lucy and seeing her naked - his good day had quickly become a bad day. Or a bad night. He hadn't been able to sleep at all the night before. And the fact that she'd stayed on the couch with him kind of made him feel like an asshole. Because she had a job of her own to do. All that day hadn't really been a good day for him either. Just knowing that he wasn't going to be in Magnolia had that gnarled little mess in his soul rubbing its hands together with the prospect of being able to make him slip out and find some drugs. Any drugs at this point.

Bickslow just didn't trust himself anymore. He'd had Lucy as his crutch while they were in town, and he'd been able to remind himself again and again to just stay at home with her instead of running out and getting high. And now it was just him and Freed and Evergreen. And they didn't know what he was going through, so he could still lie to them and...

"Hey," Bickslow said softly. He bit his lip in indecision when they both turned to look at him, and ignored the way his babies' souls hummed in his head. They were trying to encourage him, he knew. Bickslow pulled his visor off and pushed back his hood, keeping his gaze set on the table they were sitting at. "Can I talk to you guys about something?"

"Of course," Freed said softly.

"Definitely," Evergreen said with a small smile.

"Well, it's… It's really important," Bickslow said. "And I just… wanted to tell you guys so you know about it, I guess." They stayed silent. They simply waited for him to speak again. God, why was this so damn hard?

" _It doesn't have to be hard,"_  his babies whispered silently.

Bickslow clasped his hands between his legs beneath the table and slowly lifted his gaze to look at his teammates. These two had been with him through tons of shit. They didn't know what was wrong with him, but they deserved to know now. And even though it was terrifying, and even though he wished Lucy was there to hold his damn hand and just make him feel like he could really do this - or even do it for him at this point - Bickslow wanted to prove to himself that he didn't  _have_  to lean on her for everything.

He was a grown man, and it was about time he started acting like it.

"I'm…" Why did he feel like the room suddenly spiked in temperature? Why was it suddenly just a little harder to get air into his lungs? He wanted to do this. He needed to. "W-Well I'm, uh..."

"Bickslow," Evergreen whispered, "Take your time."

He pulled his hands up and set them on the table, staring down at them when Evergreen placed her glove-free hand over his knuckles. Why hadn't he noticed how soft Evergreen's hands were before then? He'd never realized just how gentle she could be.

* * *

_**This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste** _

* * *

Bickslow looked up into her eyes, then over to Freed to see the Rune mage was stoic, as always, but interested. He was patient, calm even though Bickslow was right next to him and starting to sweat. But sweating was stupid. He was stupid.

"The thing is," he tried again. "I'm, um..."

This whole telling them the truth thing was stupid as hell.

"I'm a meth addict," he whispered, looking down at the table again. He couldn't bear see the hatred and disgust on their faces, now that they knew the truth. And even though he felt like an idiot for telling them, especially when they were silent for what felt like centuries, Bickslow knew it was the right thing to do.

" _Good job, Bickslow,"_ Papa said.  _"You did a wonderful job."_

"I mean, I do a lot of different drugs," Bickslow sighed. He pulled his hands from Evergreen's loose grip and rubbed them together beneath the table. God, his skin was crawling just from talking about the drugs. That really wasn't good. "Anything I can get my hands on sometimes. But I started with meth, and it's what I always do when I've got the money for it. And sometimes even when I don't have the money, and… well, I mean, I figured you guys should know. We're a team, and it wasn't right of me to keep it from you all these years."

"Bickslow," Evergreen whispered, smiling, but he didn't notice she'd spoken at all.

"And I've been trying to get clean for a long time, but it's never worked," he said. "I'm clean now, but I don't know how long it'll stay that way."

"Bickslow," Freed said. Still, he didn't hear a thing aside from his own words.

"And… y'know when you thought I was sick? Well, I wasn't sick. I was coming down and Lucy needed to make sure someone was taking care of me. I'm kind of hopeless, honestly, and I don't know why she bothers…" He was talking about it. To his team. He was really doing this. And even though Bickslow didn't really know what to tell them, the longer he went on, the more he felt like they needed to know. "I've been hospitalized for overdosing, and every time I tell myself  _that's the last time_ , but then I just start back up again. It's hard but... I think I'm getting there. And it's why I act the way I do sometimes. All the time, really. I mean, I've been doing it since before I met you guys. Since before I even came to Fiore. And if you see my hands getting all shaky or if I start scratching, then I'm not high. I'm coming down and going through withdrawal. I just…" Okay, now he was rambling. "I don't even know what I'm saying anymore."

And with that, Bickslow forced his lips to clamp shut. He didn't have anything else to say. He'd told them the truth, and now he could find out if the fear he had of them ditching him was really warranted at all.

He'd expected yelling, to be honest. He'd expect Evergreen to scoff and flick her fan out, maybe call him a moron. He'd expected Freed to start listing off statistics and ranting about how idiotic it was to do something like meth when it was more likely to kill him. He'd been expecting to get pummeled by Evergreen's fan and any number of Freed's books. Or for them to start telling him off because, honestly, how many times could he have gotten himself killed while on a mission and stoned out of his mind? How many times had he been too unfocused to know what was really going on, because he was stoned? He'd been coming down while on a mission and gotten Evergreen hurt because of it, and he knew it wouldn't have been that way if he hadn't been an addict in the first place.

What Bickslow hadn't expected was for his two teammates to move closer, to hear the soft scrape of their chairs against the worn wooden floor in the hotel room. He hadn't expected both of them to grab his hands and squeeze them and whisper his name like they were actually fucking  _proud_  of him for something.

"You never told us," Evergreen said. "Can we know why?"

Bickslow frowned as he gazed at their joined hands. "I just… I dunno. I thought you'd hate me."

Freed laughed softly, finally drawing Bickslow's attention to his face. What he found there wasn't disgust or repulsion or disappointment. Just a tender smile that, he had to admit, looked good on his friend. "We are friends," Freed said. "We would never hate you for something like this."

"But, I…"

"How long has it been going on?" Freed asked.

"Too long," he said. "Since I was fifteen, I think."

"Then you have been dealing with this for a long time," Freed said with a nod. "Much longer than we have known you."

Bickslow nodded, turning toward Evergreen when she squeezed his hand again. She was on the verge of crying with her eyes shining and glassy as she stared at him. "What made you decide to tell us?" she whispered.

"I…" That was a damn good question. He'd been thinking about it for a while, but it wasn't until they'd come back from Tenrou that he really started considering just what his secrecy was doing to them as a team. Freed and Evergreen didn't know why he disappeared sometimes. They didn't know why his moods were so erratic, why he was always smiling and acting like a fucking moron. They didn't know any of it, and that was his fault.

But when he thought about it, Bickslow realized that it was something simple. Something easy. Well, when it was all boiled down, he thought it was simple, but getting the words out and telling them was a whole lot different.

Damn, he wished his babies would just jump in and help him talk this out. Except, he knew they wouldn't. He was on his own in this, and a very small part of Bickslow appreciated that they were letting him do this his way.

"I'm scared," Bickslow whispered. His hands trembled, and he grimaced while trying to pull them from his teammates. They didn't need to know that he shook like a damn leaf when he was sober. It didn't happen all the time, but right then it was horrible. Neither let him go. "I'm scared of doing part of this job on my own. I'm scared of a lot of shit, and I just... It's not that I don't think I can do it, just that… I don't, uh… I don't…"

"You don't want to be alone?" Freed supplied.

Bickslow nodded. "If we had Laxus, we'd be in pairs. I wouldn't be by myself. And… We're not in Magnolia, so I could run off and buy something. I just… I can't do that. I know I can't, but-"

"So we'll change the plan," Evergreen said. She smiled when Bickslow's attention snapped back to her. "We'll do it all together, okay? You won't be alone."

"But, that's not the plan," Bickslow frowned. They always followed Freed's plans. He was their tactician for a reason. He could plan it all out and make sure they got through the job safely with as few injuries and property damages as possible.

"Plans can be adjusted," Freed said. "If this is important to you, then we will adjust."

Bickslow really wanted to ask why they weren't freaking out a little more over what he'd told them. Why they were so accepting of it. But it seemed Evergreen already knew what he was thinking. "Bickslow, we're a team," she whispered. "And teams stick together, no matter what. I wish you'd told us sooner."

"I didn't want anyone to know," he said. "I just wanted to fix it myself."

"But you told us tonight," Freed replied.

He let out a heavy sigh and finally leaned forward to rest his head on their joined hands, missing the proud smiles Freed and Evergreen sent each other over his head. "Because Lucy's not here," Bickslow said. "I don't trust myself, and I wanna do the right thing. I keep messing up, and I  _have_  to know I can do this. That I can be away from her for a couple days and not just go out and shoot up because she's not close enough to stop me. I need help, and I was hoping you guys could… help me. Help me stay clean while we're away…"

"We will," Freed said. "You can count on us."

"And when we're back in Magnolia," Evergreen added, "You can still come to us if you need help. I don't know how much help we'll be, but…"

"But we would like to be there to support you, Bickslow," Freed said.

He took a shaky breath and found himself smiling as tears gathered in the corners of his closed eyes. "Thanks, guys," he rasped. "You… you don't know how much this means to me."

"That you would trust us with this, means the world to us," Freed said.

* * *

_**I don't want this feeling to go away** _

* * *

"I think I'm gonna call Lucy," Bickslow said after several silent minutes. "I wanna tell her that you guys know. She'll probably feel a little better now that she can talk to you guys about it."

"You think so?" Evergreen asked, tucking her hair behind one ear.

"Yeah," he said while standing to rummage through his bag for his lacrima. "I kinda forced her not to tell anyone about it. She was just keeping it from you guys to help me, but I know it's hard on her. I'm not really all that easy to help, but she tries."

Freed chuckled and watched Bickslow walk toward the bed he would be sleeping in that night, then turned back toward Evergreen to give him a little privacy.

"Bix, is everything okay?" Lucy asked as soon as her face filled the orb. Bickslow could just barely make out the campfire crackling several feet behind her. That's right. She was out in the woods somewhere with her team.

"I'm fine, baby," he said. She didn't look convinced, but he turned the lacrima toward his teammates to show her that he was still with them. But this was some big news, and he wanted to tell her right then. "I just told them."

"... Told them? What?"

"About that thing," he said. Bickslow laid down on the bed and rolled onto his side so his back was facing Freed and Evergreen. "You know, the reason I couldn't sleep last night."

"You…" Lucy stared, hard, at him. "You really told them?"

"Yep," Bickslow smirked. "And I asked them to help me stay clean while we're out here. They said they'll help."

"Bix, that's… That's great!" The way her eyes lit up and how her lips curled into that smile he was becoming very familiar with more recently, he couldn't help but feel just a little proud of himself for making her smile like that. "God, I'm so proud of you!"

"Thanks, Cosplayer," he chuckled.

"And they don't hate you, do they," she said. It wasn't a question. She'd told him the night before, when he'd asked her opinion on whether he should tell his team, that she knew they wouldn't hate him for what he was going through.

"No," he laughed quietly. "You were right. They don't hate me."

"And now you've got two more people you can talk to, Bix," she whispered. She was still smiling at him. She looked so proud, so damn happy, like just that one piece of news had brightened up her whole day. And maybe it had. Maybe she'd been worried about him once they left the apartment that morning. "God, I'm so proud. This is great news."

"I guess so," he whispered, though he really couldn't stop himself from smiling either. Or blushing. It wasn't often, if ever, that he was told he'd done something right. That someone was proud of what he'd done. "But you have things to do. I just wanted to tell you about that." It didn't take much to end the call, and once the orb was dark and he was left just looking at it and picturing her smile, Bickslow found himself unable to stop smiling.

This job was going to be a piece of cake now. Because no matter what happened, he didn't have to hide things from his team anymore. Bickslow rolled to his other side to look at Freed and Evergreen. They weren't watching him or staring at him, just spending time with one another and giving him the small bit of privacy that was possible while they shared a room.

Still, he figured they probably had some questions. He knew there was some stuff that they'd need to look out for. But his babies and Lucy were probably the best ones to talk about that. They'd seen it firsthand. He only knew what it felt like, not really how he acted. Part of Bickslow was sure he'd thrown a little of it in there while he was rambling though. Maybe. Honestly, he already couldn't remember what he'd been saying. Just that with every word, he felt a little better. A little lighter. Like it wasn't so bad that he was telling the two closest people to him that didn't already know about his addiction.

There was a soft knock on the door to their room, and Bickslow watched as Freed stood and made his way over to it. It barely opened, and he strained to listen to the soft conversation Freed had with whoever was on the other side. And then he opened it and ushered their visitor in.

For the first time in days, he saw Laxus. He stood there, looking down at Bickslow from across the room. Bickslow had made sure to stick by Lucy's side for the most part. It wasn't that he was avoiding Laxus, just a confrontation. He didn't want to argue. He just wanted to stay sober. And when he'd talked to her about it, Lucy had agreed that keeping a little distance from his best friend might be for the best. Because he'd told her how he felt about being abandoned. That's what Laxus had done, and Bickslow just couldn't be as close to him as they once were. Not now.

"Hey, Bix," Laxus said. He didn't move though once Freed closed the door.

"Hey..."

"So… I can't really, uh… be with you guys on any missions," he said. "Not officially." That made sense. Laxus wasn't part of Fairy Tail anymore. "But I talked to Gramps, and he said that, um…"

It was so fucking weird to see Laxus shuffle as though he was uncomfortable. Bickslow frowned and sat up slightly as he watched Laxus' eyes shift from one spot on the floor to another.

"If you guys want me on jobs with you, he said I could tag along. I'm not part of the guild, but he can't stop you guys from taking on independent mages if you want. So, maybe…" Bickslow blinked in surprise when Laxus met his gaze. Was he really saying they could work together again? Was he trying to be part of the team again, to come back in any way he could? "So if you're cool with it, I'd like to work with you guys."

Bickslow's smile only grew as the seconds ticked by. He didn't look at Freed or Evergreen, and he didn't see the looks on their faces as they watched him. He didn't know that they'd been the ones to invite Laxus to join them on the mission since he was still in Magnolia. It was supposed to be a surprise for Bickslow, after all. Bickslow just didn't care about a whole lot of anything aside from the fact that Laxus was back.

Maybe he wasn't part of the guild anymore, but he was back in Bickslow's life in some way. Things were starting to look up for him again. They were starting to be normal, but not normal since he wasn't high. For the first time in a long while, Bickslow would get to spend time with his team, completely sober. And what made it so much better was that they knew about his addiction. He didn't have to hide now.

All thoughts of the rift that he'd been feeling with Laxus drifted away with the realization that his best friend was trying to be in his life again. Laxus was really back.

They were closer than before, and Bickslow just couldn't find any reason to think that was a bad thing.

* * *

_**Please don't go away  
Is this how it's supposed to be** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone was curious, the part of last chapter that was taken from the anime was Jude's letter. I didn't like the narration of the letter that was in the show (neither the sub or dub) so I paused the episode and transcribed what was actually written on the paper Lucy was holding on the screen, then fixed up the English a little bit so it wasn't as choppy. I don't know why they didn't just have the dialogue as what was written on that page, but it was so much sweeter and more heartfelt than the actual dialogue, that I had to do it.
> 
> I'd also like to send major shout-outs to LittlePrincessNana and apriiil, and tumblr-users hellosparkyislove and miss-lucy-celestial-princess for helping me decide what to do with part of this chapter. I will occasionally post questions that I have about my stories on tumblr, when it comes to which direction to take. It's a chance for my readers to really help me mold what happens next (along with suggestions in reviews). You guys made it so I could actually write the final scene for this instead of leaving it to work on something else until I made a decision. Super thanks to all four of you for answering that.


	20. Unsteady

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> X Ambassadors: Unsteady

 

__**Hold, hold on, hold onto me  
'Cause I'm a little unsteady  
A little unsteady**

* * *

The mission itself really wasn't all that hard, if Bickslow was being completely honest with himself. He and Evergreen had spent the better part of the morning herding the job requestor's sheep away from the borders of his property, while Laxus searched for any odd scents. Freed was with Laxus, putting up runes to keep the animals safe. The next part of their plan involved going into town to ask the locals about the rumors their employer had vaguely mentioned. That would give Freed a better idea of just how to handle it. Sure, they'd said something about the forest maybe being haunted - which played into Bickslow's strengths pretty well, all things considered - but Bickslow knew that they needed more information. The Raijinshuu as a whole had never gone into any job half-cocked. That was Bickslow's role, if he was high.

But he wasn't high this time around. He was completely sober, and he still felt the thrum of contentment in knowing that his team was aware of his addiction. And they didn't hate him for it. It would have been so easy for them to just write him off, but they hadn't. His support system had grown, and now Lucy didn't have to worry about him nearly as much when he was away from Magnolia, because he had his team on his side. And Laxus was back, in a sense. Not the way he'd been before, but he was, at the very least, around again. That had to count for something.

Bickslow turned down a random street with his babies whirling in the air around him. He'd given Papa to Evergreen, reminding her that the little soul would be able to alert her if anything happened to Bickslow. And considering how meddlesome Papa was, it was also a surefire way for his teammates to maybe stop him from shooting up, in the event that he buckled under the pressure and found a dealer. His other babies would tell Papa, who would tell Evergreen, and she'd come running while contacting Freed and Laxus.

The plan was perfect.

Freed was just too damn smart sometimes.

Bickslow looked around and clenched his hands, slowly releasing the tension and letting out a calming breath. He was standing in a residential area with quaint little cottages lining both sides of the cobbled street. Each one had the same red shutters on the windows, the same grey shingles on every roof. The doors were all inviting shades of green or blue. Every yard had a white picket fence, a well-kept flower bed, and tidy grass. Oddly enough, he didn't feel as though he'd stumbled onto the set of  _Pleasantville._  Instead, Bickslow was almost envious of how homey a damn street could seem. The people who lived here were lucky not to have to deal with the city life. Granted, Magnolia wasn't all that much of an urban wonderland, but it was definitely more packed than Nakushi Village.

He paused here and there to talk to townsfolk on the street - an elderly woman walking her little bulldog, the smiling postman, the grinning milkman. The fact that they even had a milkman in the first place did give him the creeps.

Except no one seemed to know a whole lot of anything. They were all polite, and they didn't seem to hold his being a Fairy Tail mage against him - which was a godsend, he was sure - but they didn't know what was happening to the sheep or why they were dying. Maybe he'd strayed too far from where the sheep had been killed though. Maybe no one knew about what was happening, because it wasn't right in their faces.

"Time to head back, babies," he sighed.

"Regroup?" the totems asked.

"Yeah, have Papa tell Ever I'm on my w-" Bickslow stopped turning to head back toward where he knew Evergreen was, his eyes focused solely on a woman standing several houses away on the opposite side of the street. She wasn't doing anything suspicious, just holding her two young children's hands and walking down the sidewalk.

* * *

_**Momma, come here  
Approach, appear** _

* * *

But he knew her. He knew that long, blue braid slung over one shoulder. Bickslow knew the shape of her hips and the way they swayed while she walked; though it was a little less pronounced than the last time he'd seen her. He knew her wide lips pulled into that loving smile, because he'd made sure to memorize it the few times she'd directed it at him. He especially knew the color of her olive skin, and how it looked with nothing more than a sheer silver robe over it. But she wasn't wearing a robe then. She was dressed properly, wearing a knee-length dress that had some sort of red flower print on it.

"Bickslow?" the totems hummed worriedly.

He didn't answer them, and instead continued to watch the smiling woman with those two little kids. They looked happy, content. It looked as though nothing in the world could upset the lives they had. And when they walked up the path of the house directly across from him - number 21, he absently noted - and they were greeted by a tall man with bright grey eyes and sandy hair hanging down to his chin, Bickslow realized that they were a perfectly nuclear family.

Seeing her kiss that man was enough for him to know that he wasn't imagining things. A sharp pain twisted itself in his gut, but he couldn't look away. A mother and father, two little kids. They were perfect.

Except she was supposed to be dead. He knew she was.

* * *

_**Daddy, I'm alone  
'Cause this house don't feel like home** _

* * *

Bickslow's father had told him as much when he'd been released from the hospital at age fifteen. His mother was dead. She should have been buried in Pergrande, not walking around with a new family in Fiore. She'd died the week before he got out of the asylum.

He wished more than anything that he could have just written it off as a hallucination. He did still have mild ones from time to time if he wasn't high. But he knew, Bickslow just  _knew_  that this was real. He wasn't really sure what to do about it though. His feet were itching to storm across the street and find out why the hell she was right there, so close to him and still so far away. His eyes burned at the thought that she'd taken some sort of out and ditched him and his father as soon as she could have - maybe his father had simply said she was dead, but hadn't meant it literally.

He had to find out what she was doing there. He had to know why she'd left him behind. If he didn't find out then, Bickslow was positive that it was going to drive him insane. He'd just keep thinking about it, wondering what would have happened if he'd gone over to her and confronted her.

Hell, maybe it wasn't even really her. It was entirely possible that he was just seeing a woman with similar bone structure to the one who had kind of raised him. Similar hair. Similar smile.  _'Oh fuck, that really is-'_

"Hey, Joy!" a nice neighborly woman called out from three houses down. "Could I borrow some baking soda from you later?"

"Sure, Evelyn!" Joy laughed.

Bickslow nearly tripped when he took a step back, his eyes wide beneath his visor. He couldn't talk to her. That  _was_  his damn mother. There was no denying it when he heard her name, when he heard her laugh and how she called out to her neighbor. Sure, she wasn't screaming  _"Oh god, Oh god, fuck me harder!"_  but he knew her voice. She was older, but he'd been frozen for seven years, and it had been almost a decade since he'd seen her before they'd left for Tenrou.

"Bickslow," the totems said gently. "What's wrong?"

"I-I can't…" He finally found the will to turn tail and just fucking run. And that was exactly what Bickslow did. At one point, he'd felt several pairs of eyes on him, and hopped onto his babies to fly him away from 21 Collie Road even faster. He was sure they had contacted Papa, and it was only confirmed when he saw Evergreen soaring through the air toward him over the quaint shops in the marketplace.

"What happened?" she asked, coming to a stop in front of him and setting her hands on his shoulders. "Papa said something was wrong."

Bickslow really wasn't sure how to process what he'd even seen and heard, let alone explain it to Evergreen. She didn't know about his parents, or him being locked up in the nuthouse for two years. The only person who knew that was Lucy. Well, he'd told her about being in a hospital, and maybe a little about his mother dying. And she knew about his dad committing suicide in front of him. But he'd only just told his team about his addiction the night before. They still needed time to wrap their heads around that. He couldn't lay more shit on them.

Instead, Bickslow kept his mouth shut about seeing his mom, choosing to pull the Fairy mage into a crushing hug. "I-I don't wanna do this," he said into her shoulder. "Ever, I wanna go home."

"What happened?" she asked again.

Bickslow shook his head. "I just wanna go." And here he'd been so sure that he could finish this job with his team without the drugs. He'd been so damn confident before. But after seeing his mother, alive and well and with a brand new family, he wasn't so sure he could get through this without shooting up.

"Bickslow," Papa said gently, "You don't need to shoot up."

"I know. I know…"

* * *

_**If you love me, don't let go  
** _

* * *

Evergreen bit her lip and carefully put a small bit of space between herself and Bickslow to look at his visored face. "Let's go back to the inn, and I'll call up Freed," she said. "Will that be okay?"

He knew there wasn't a whole lot else he could really do aside from nod. So he did just that. And when Evergreen simply held onto his arm and flew beside him, instead of making him go back down to the ground and wade through the marketplace, he was just so damn thankful for it. By the time they touched down in front of the inn, Freed and Laxus were just coming into view down the road. They took one look at Bickslow, how he held so tightly to Evergreen and the tense hunch to his shoulders, and picked up their pace to meet the pair at the front door.

"Is everything alright?" Freed asked.

"Bix isn't feeling too well," Evergreen replied, ushering the shaking Seith mage inside. "Let's get to the room, okay?" The group was silent as they made their way inside. It wasn't until the door had been locked behind Laxus, with everyone taking seats on the two beds in the room, that Evergreen spoke again. She looked at Laxus and Freed on the other bed, rubbing gentle circles on Bickslow's back. "He said he wants to go home."

"What?" Laxus asked with a frown. "Bix, what the hell?"

"Is there a particular reason for the sudden change?" Freed asked. His gaze honed in on the rhythmic clenching of Bickslow's hands where they rested in his lap. It was something he'd seen the Seith mage do on occasion, but he'd never really given it much thought before. Was this maybe one of the signs that Lucy had mentioned to Evergreen in passing that meant Bickslow was fighting the urge to do drugs?

"It's too soon," Bickslow replied. He pulled off his visor and pressed his palms to his eyes. "I should've waited a little while longer before… before taking a job."

"All you've done so far is herd sheep and talk to people," Laxus said with a raised brow. "There's something else."

Bickslow shook his head. He didn't want to talk about seeing his mother. He just wanted to get the hell away from this stupid fucking village and go crawl into Lucy's bed. Maybe she'd be willing to snuggle with him, too. Anything to help him forget about this. "Fuck," he muttered under his breath, tugging on the collar of his striped shirt. It was stifling in the room.

Maybe it wasn't, considering he was positive that Evergreen had actually just shivered a bit.

"Bickslow?" Evergreen laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, her brows drawn together. "Hey, it's alright. We're here, okay?"

He nodded and hunched over his legs. Maybe if he curled up a little bit, the sudden itching sensation under the skin of his stomach would disappear. Lucy normally rubbed his stomach for him when he felt like this, but she wasn't there. And it wasn't like he was going to ask Laxus or Freed or Evergreen to rub his damn tummy. That was strictly a Lucy thing. She was so adorable when she called it a  _tummy_.

"Do you really need to leave," Freed asked, "Or do you just need some time away from the general populace to relax?"

"Leaving probably isn't the best idea," Laxus said, his blue eyes narrowed on the Seith mage and watching for any sign that he'd already shot up. He didn't want to be so suspicious, but after years of trying to keep Bickslow clean, only to fail, he didn't want to miss a single thing. Bickslow had been clean for weeks before Tenrou happened, and damnit Laxus didn't want to let him slip back into his old habits. They were seven years in the future. He needed a fresh start.

"That's true," Papa sighed. "Bickslow may try to find a dealer in Magnolia with no one there."

"Oh yeah, Lucy's on a mission, too," Evergreen said.

Bickslow's babies crowded around him, humming gentle reassurances in his ears as they nudged his head and back and shoulders. "Maybe if I… if I, uh…"

"Have a little time?" Pipi suggested, nestled against his chest.

"Yeah. Little time…" He didn't want to give up on the job. He just… He didn't want to run into  _her_  again. "I can take the woods next," he said. That would keep him away from the town, away from the residential district, away from his mother. That was all that mattered, anyway. And once they finished the job, he could go back home to Lucy and forget that he'd ever seen his mother in the first place. He couldn't talk to Lucy about it. She'd just lost her father, and he was sure that she wasn't going to be the most receptive to finding out that his mother was still alive - even if there was some twisted part of him that actually wished she was really dead. No, Bickslow was keeping it to himself. Maybe he'd tell his babies.

" _Bickslow, we know who she was,"_  the babies said silently.  _"Papa told us what she looked like a long time ago."_

Strike that, they apparently already knew. It was surprising that they hadn't just told his team the truth though. They had a pretty bad habit of spilling secrets, he knew. Especially when it came to Lucy. His babies talked to her way too often.

" _We won't tell her about this,"_ Pepe said.  _"This is something really personal. We'll respect that you want to tell her when you feel the time is right."_

" _Yeah,"_  Pipi added.  _"It's not like our lips are just always flapping!"_

" _We don't have lips,"_  Popo sighed.  _"Such a shame, too."_

" _Pervert,"_ Pupu giggled, nudging Popo where the totem rested by his ear.  _"It's not like this is something that she really has to know anyway. Not like when you're about to shoot up or anything. So-"_

" _He gets it,"_  Papa chuckled.

And finally, Bickslow smiled. It was just the smallest little lift to his lips, but it was a smile all the same. Sometimes he forgot how much his babies cared about him, and how much they really did understand him. Sure, they could hear what he was thinking about more often than not, but there was a whole lot more to it. His babies loved him, they'd chosen to be with him instead of moving on. His babies kept him grounded. Sometimes they kept him sober just another few minutes - which had, on occasion, been the difference between getting high, or Laxus being able to stop him. Sometimes they were his voices of reason, and they reminded him that everyone made mistakes, and no one really had all the answers.

" _Seriously, do you have any idea how much I miss eating pussy?!"_ Popo shouted.

Bickslow laughed, startling his teammates. "Damnit, Popo…"

Sometimes, his babies knew just what to say or do to make him laugh, and he loved them even more for that.

* * *

__**Hold, hold on, hold onto me  
'Cause I'm a little unsteady  
A little unsteady**

* * *

"I'd forgotten how cool Lisanna's magic was," Gray said while sitting cross-legged in front of a log. He scowled down at his nails and brought the little metal clippers to his pinky. They were getting way too long. "It would've been nice if you were there, Lucy."

"Indeed," Erza nodded. She glanced from Gray over to Lucy and Natsu sitting across from him, then back to her sword as she continued sharpening it. "The team dynamic was a little rough at first, but we sorted it out."

"Lisanna's a great part of the team," Happy chimed in.

Lucy's eyes closed, waiting for the barb from him about her weight or something else. Happy was pretty good at those horribly timed remarks. She really hadn't wanted to take a job, but she just needed to get out of Magnolia for a little while. And she needed a little space from Bickslow. She cared about him, she really did, but it was starting to feel like a full-time job helping him work through his withdrawal, and keeping him sober.

Since she'd told his team about it - and he'd told them the night before on his own, which she was so proud of him for doing that - it was time to lessen the burden on her shoulders. They could keep an eye on Bickslow for the duration of their mission. And that meant Lucy could get some serious quality time with her own team, her own friends. Considering Gray still wasn't all that jazzed about her staying in a relationship with Bickslow, it did make things just a little more difficult to manage. And Lucy didn't want difficult.

She didn't even really want to get out of bed. The weight in her chest from her father's passing was still thick and heavy. She just didn't really feel like herself anymore.

Maybe that was why she'd started feeling as though her apartment was smothering her. Maybe it wasn't Bickslow at all. Sure, he did need her help, but he wasn't  _helpless_. He could eat and bathe and brush his teeth. He did know how to take care of himself. It was just that she felt as though, if she wasn't with him, he'd finally lose that fight with his addiction. She didn't want the baby steps he'd taken to sobriety to disappear.

Natsu's shoulder knocked into hers, pulling Lucy from her thoughts. When she looked at him, he was smiling that same carefree Natsu smile. "It's nice having Lisanna on jobs," he said, "But I still prefer  _our_  team." His arm wrapped around her shoulders and he pulled her into a half-hug that Lucy hadn't really thought she needed until she felt his warmth.

Natsu was always so warm. So comforting. So…

Smelly. Her nose scrunched a moment later and she pulled away from the off putting scent wafting from his armpit. "Natsu, when was the last time you showered?" He thought about it. The fact that he needed to  _think_  about it was enough of an answer. She was officially done. Their friendship notwithstanding, she was never speaking to his grubby ass again.

Until he bathed.

"Last week, I think?"

"Catching fish and getting wet doesn't count," she said, pinching her nose. How had she not smelled it before? With how often he fought at the guild, how often he poured sweat from exerting himself for one reason or another, he really did need to shower at least once a day. But no. Her partner just let the old sweat sit there and turn him into a walking Funyun-Dorito-foot-scented Dragon Slayer with armpits capable of punching a hole right through her sinuses and frying her damn brain.

His smell alone could probably knock out Cobra, if the Poison Slayer was ever released from prison. Lucy was unaware of said Poison Slayer silently, begrudgingly, agreeing with her while biting into an apple as he walked through a far off forest.

"Oh, um…" Natsu chuckled then. "I'm not really sure, Luce."

She shook her head and stood up, then grabbed his hand. Natsu got the picture without too much prompting and hopped to his feet. He waited for her to grab her little wooden bath supply bucket from her bag, and allowed her to drag him away from the little clearing where the team had stopped to rest for the day. They'd forgone the train for his sake - and to save money - which meant their trip back to Magnolia had been extended by a day. They were planning on camping that night and making it back by noon the following day.

"Where are you going?" Gray called out.

"Natsu needs a bath!" Lucy shouted over her shoulder. She stopped when she saw Happy following them. "Happy, no. If you come, he'll just want to screw around the whole time."

Happy's ears drooped slightly. "But, Lushy…"

She gave him a tender smile and reached up to scratch between his ears. "I'll wash you when we're back at my apartment, okay?" she asked. "That shampoo you like is there."

"The one that makes me fluffy?" he asked, his muzzle curling in a snarl and his fur bristling.

"No," she laughed. "That one expired. I got the one that's supposed to be similar to what Carla uses. But more…"

"Manly?" Natsu chuckled.

She rolled her eyes, but nodded all the same at the spark of interest in Happy's eyes. "Very masculine. We'll be back soon."

"If I'm just getting a bath, why are you coming, Luce?"

She sniffed and grabbed his hand again - it took everything in her not to hurl at the smell from his arm moving even a little - and the rest of their team barely heard her saying, "Because I'm gonna make sure you do it right, and if you don't, I'll wash you myself!"

* * *

_**Mother, I know  
That you're tired of being alone** _

* * *

They reached a nearby lake through the power of Natsu's enhanced senses, and she tested the water with her hand before realizing that he would just warm it up anyway.

"Get in," she said. Lucy turned away to give him some privacy, and listened to the soft shuffle of his clothes as he disrobed. She didn't think it was strange until he got into the water. Natsu never listened to her so easily. Normally, he would have complained at least five times. He would have made a fuss about how he didn't smell  _that_  bad. He would have… He would have been so… Natsu… about it all, and she probably would have given up. Instead, he'd just let her do as she pleased.

With her eyebrows pushed together, Lucy whirled in place to glare at him. She watched as he wrapped his white-scaled scarf around his head. When had the sun started setting? It cast an oddly enchanting orange glow on his lean muscles. His golden-tanned skin was rather mesmerizing, and in her peripherals she caught sight of his thin hips disappearing into the lake. Had his eyes always been a deep green that matched the springtime trees around them? So deep, but still bright as he finally met her gaze.

Lucy could see why she'd been attracted to him once upon a time. But that had been fleeting, nothing more than a little crush spurred on by Mira's meddling, and her own naiveté. He was handsome, sure, but they just didn't have enough in common for her to consider him as a real prospect. And she had Bickslow, which was an even bigger reason for Lucy to cross Natsu - and all other guys, for that matter - off her already short list of potential boyfriends.

"Luce, this might sound weird," Natsu said, lowering himself into the water a little more until it reached up to his chest. He winced. That actually had her attention focused more fully on what he was saying. "Would it be alright if you came in with me?"

This couldn't be Natsu. It was impossible. Because her best friend didn't act like that. He was loud and occasionally obnoxious. He was never uncomfortable. Natsu was confident. He was a take-charge kind of guy.

"Okay," Lucy laughed, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Who are you and what have you done with my partner?"

She wouldn't put it past some unknown enemy to have somehow pulled a body-snatcher on her best friend. It was with that thought that Lucy took a small step back. Just in case. She glanced to the side to see that all of his clothes were sitting on the bank of the lake - those would need a good washing as well in a little bit, if she didn't turn tail and run first. Natsu's arms crossed over his chest and his head tilted to one side while he stared at her. Confusion was clearly written on his face. He was silent, and it made her a little more positive that this was, in fact, not her best friend. This wasn't her partner. She wasn't being paranoid at all, because Natsu would never…

His boisterous laughter nearly had Lucy tripping over her feet. "Luce, it's me. Why do you look so freaked out?"

"B-Because…" Her cheeks flamed and she crossed her arms while turning away from him. And he just kept laughing. At least Happy wasn't there to tease her though. That would just make the whole thing so much worse. "Oh, shut up!"

When he finally calmed down, Natsu shook his head and splashed her with the warm water surrounding him. It wasn't a huge wave, just a few droplets to get her attention. She gasped and whirled to glare at him, and he just smiled at her. "Please," he said after a moment. "Just come on in? I really need to talk to you…"

Her eyes rounded and her hands dropped to her sides. Natsu was never one for talking about serious things. They were best friends, after all, and she'd tried to get him into several conversations that didn't involve the topic of fighting or jobs. But he looked like this was serious, and she couldn't just brush him off. The notion of him maybe being someone who wasn't Natsu just seemed silly the longer she looked at him.

"Please?"

"W-Well," she stuttered, looking away again. "I can't really get in if…"

He blinked twice before realization clobbered him over the head like Gajeel's iron at the sight of her fingers fiddling with the hem of her skirt. It wasn't like she really cared either way that she would be naked in the lake with him. He was just Natsu, after all. It was more that she knew he was fully aware of her being really shy about people seeing her naked.

So, Natsu chuckled again and turned his back to her. As he listened to her clothes shifting and quietly dropping to the ground, his olive eyes scanned the forest around him. His nose twitched occasionally as he scented the air, just to make sure they really were alone. What kind of Dragon Slayer would he be if he didn't use his senses to check for predators?

A horrible one, obviously.

By the time her toes breached the surface of the lake, he was positive that they were alone. Happy hadn't followed them either, which was surprising, but maybe he'd realized what Natsu was planning. Natsu turned only when she was next to him with her arms crossed over her breasts. She wouldn't look at him, but that was alright. If she was embarrassed, then he'd at least try to be a little understanding about it. Even if he just  _didn't_  understand it.

"You wanted to talk to me?" she whispered.

"Yeah." He noticed the little wooden bucket floating nearby with her soaps and washcloths in it, and grabbed one instead of speaking. He lathered it with bodywash and started to clean his chest with quick swipes, smirking when she huffed beside him and snatched the cloth away.

"You need to do this right, Natsu," she grumbled. "You really stink."

"I was sweating," he said, shrugging while she stood in front of him and started scrubbing his right shoulder, just above his guild mark. "Even you stink when you sweat."

"I do  _not_  stink," she gasped.

"You kinda do," he chuckled. Natsu watched her move down his arm, and lifted it at her prompting so she could wash under it. "Anyway…" She glanced up at him with furrowed brows, then went back to work. "About what the others said... about Lisanna."

She smiled and her shoulders relaxed just a little. "It's alright," she said. "I'm happy she's back too. I mean, I don't know her all that well, but Mira and Elfman are happy about it." She paused in cleaning between his fingers and gave him a sly grin. "And I bet you are, too."

"Sure," he said, smiling back at her. "We were really great friends growing up. And she helped me raise Happy, so of course I'm glad she's back."

It was obvious to Lucy that he'd been over the moon about having Lisanna back, knowing that she wasn't really dead. And the past month or so helping her get used to everything again was probably a real treat for him, and for Happy. There was so much she'd missed out on.

"But, Luce… I've missed hanging out with you." She frowned and moved the cloth up to his chest and over to his other arm. "You've been kinda… missing… since you and Bickslow got back together. Or stayed together." He wasn't sure what to even call what had happened between the two of them, but it didn't matter. He knew she was happy, and that was what mattered most.

"I've just been letting you guys catch up," she said. Even Lucy could hear the way her voice cracked just a little at the lie, but she fought not to wince. Especially not when Natsu was looking right into her eyes, not when he looked so concerned for her.

It wasn't often that he looked like this though. She'd seen this particular expression only a handful of times before. The first time had been when she'd kamikazed out of the tower Jose had locked her in, and Natsu had come to her rescue. He'd been scared as hell that day, she'd found out later. So scared that he wouldn't get to her in time. Scared that he'd watch her die, and he'd lose another of his closest friends. After having briefly interacted with Lisanna, and seeing some of the similarities she shared with the youngest Strauss, Lucy was sure that he'd probably seen a little of Lisanna in her that day she'd jumped from the tower.

But he was giving her the same look right then. Looking right into her eyes, down to her very soul. And Lucy just didn't want to lie to his face.

So she did the first thing that came to mind. She slipped around behind him and started washing his back. He'd need to take the scarf off of his head for her to wash his hair, but they could worry about that in a little bit. For now, she was solely focused on moving her hand in a circular motion from one shoulder to the other.

"You know I don't believe you, right?" he asked softly. He wanted to turn and make her look at him. Lucy was a horrible liar, even without his nose telling him that she was doing it. If she had to look someone in the eye, she couldn't bring herself to lie to them.

"It's not his fault," she muttered.

"I never said it was," Natsu replied, looking off toward the trees while she worked her way down his spine. It felt nice, having her do this for him. She was so much gentler than Erza was when they'd bathed together. "I'm not saying it's anyone's fault."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I just wanna know what's going on," he said. "I miss you. Happy misses you. Gray and Erza, too. We wanna take jobs with you, but then Loke shows up and says you're not feeling well, so he's taking your place. Or you back out and we ask Lisanna to go, or Wendy. It's not the same without you there."

"I've just had some stuff come up," she said, though her voice was soft. It was the truth, but it wasn't a really good excuse. Not unless Natsu knew what had been going on in her apartment, or the times she'd been running across town trying to find her boyfriend before he shot up. But she couldn't tell Natsu any of that. She'd already told Freed and Evergreen about it, and that had made her feel wonderful and horrible at the same time.

"Bickslow stuff?"

"Do we have to talk about this?" she groaned.

"Yeah," he said, frowning. Natsu slowly turned to face her, pulling her hands into his much warmer ones. "We really do, Luce."

She didn't look scared, so that was a definite plus, but she also didn't look too happy about him prying like this. He just couldn't help it though. He could tell there was something going on with Lucy, something that was making her smile less and less. Something that was pulling her away from the people she used to spend all her time with. Gray didn't break into her apartment anymore, and Natsu hadn't in a long time either. Neither had Erza. Since Bickslow had moved in, they'd agreed to give the couple some actual privacy. But when Lucy started disappearing here and there, sending Loke in her place for missions, hardly spending time in the guild, Natsu had started to worry.

"Because I'm the one who said he wasn't gonna do anything to hurt you again to Erza," he said. "And I'm the one who kicked Gray's ass when he told me what him and Loke did."

"You didn't-"

"I did," he said, and his frown deepened. "I told Cana to leave you alone about who you chose to date, because it wasn't her business. And I vouched for you and him, saying that if you're happy then I'm happy, and if anyone wanted to fight about it, they had to go through me first."

"Natsu…"

"You'd know all of that if you'd been around. But you haven't been," he whispered. "I just wanna know why it feels like I'm losing my best friend…"

It happened so quickly, he hadn't had any warning. Tears trickled down her cheeks - he hadn't even smelled them to begin with - and she lunged forward to wrap her arms around him. Their mutual nakedness apparently didn't bother her, so he wasn't going to mention it while he hugged her back. She didn't start sobbing all over him, but the scent of her tears was overwhelming as the seconds ticked by.

"I'm sorry, Natsu," she cried. "I-I didn't mean to…"

"Luce, why are you crying?" he asked, nestling his nose in her hair. She complained about him smelling bad, but her hair smelled sweaty too. He wasn't going to waste time bringing it up right then, though.

She couldn't tell him a lot of what was going on, but she could tell him some of it. When Lucy started talking about her dad dying, she realized that she'd spent so much time taking care of Bickslow lately that she hadn't told her team about that at all. They didn't know she'd lost him. They didn't even know that she'd been considering trying to talk to her father again. Granted, the day she'd decided to get in touch with him after returning from Tenrou, she'd found out he was dead, but still. They didn't know any of it, because she'd gotten so used to keeping secrets for Bickslow. Her life had morphed into her taking care of him in only a few short months. They'd gone from being strangers in the same guild to dating, to her loving him and pushing everyone else away. Sure, she'd made friends with Freed and Evergreen in the process, but at what cost?

The cost of her own relationships outside of Bickslow and his team?

That wasn't the type of her person she was. Lucy really didn't think it was healthy when women acted that way. When they lost themselves so completely in a man that they gave up on everyone else to make sure their beau was happy. It was a surefire way to point out an insecure woman, though.

If Lucy couldn't stand on her own two feet and have things in her life outside of Bickslow and his issues, then there was something seriously wrong. There was a very real difference between being supportive and shirking everything in her life for his sake.

"I'm so sorry," Natsu said as he stroked her hair. "God, I wish I'd known you'd lost him… I wish… I…"

Lucy looked up at his face and frowned when she saw that his features were smudged as though he was nothing more than a painting. "Natsu?"

"I wish…" His voice warbled and drifted away on the wind, and her eyes went wide when his arms turned to sand that fell away from her and into the suddenly murky lake.

* * *

_**Dad I know you're trying  
** _ _**To fight when you feel like flying** _

* * *

Lucy didn't wake with a start. Her eyes simply opened and she found the sky blanketed in stars above her. Everyone in the camp was probably still asleep. Her head lifted just enough to peer around, and she counted the odd lumps that she knew were her teammates. Erza was several feet away, leaning against a tree trunk and snuggling with one of her swords while she slept, so she'd be ready to defend their group if someone snuck up on them. Gray's bedroll was close to her; he always said that he didn't want to sleep near Natsu and his "annoying flame-ass." Lucy knew it was moreso because Gray wanted to make sure Erza wasn't alone.

She turned to her side and found her best friend sleeping beside her. Well, not right next to her like he usually was. He was too far for her to feel anything more than the gentle brush of his higher than human body heat. She didn't need to think about what she was doing while sitting up in her own bedroll. It didn't matter to her how late at night it was as she stood up and slid her belongings closer to Natsu. Normally, he was right next to her when they went on jobs together. Sometimes he squeezed into her bedroll, but more often than not, he was just there. Right beside her. Close enough that he could wrap an arm around her.

The time she'd woken up with him and Happy curled around her head was weird though. Thankfully, it had been a one-time occurrence.

But that night, after that dream of washing her best friend and him melting into some weird sandy blob, she knew things needed to change. Lucy didn't question it. It was something she'd probably thought about in the back of her head several times before without realizing it. She didn't want to drift away from her friends. She didn't want to lose them because she'd let herself become so absorbed in trying to control Bickslow's addiction.

Once her bedding was right next to Natsu, Lucy crawled back inside and let out a soft sigh while staring at his sleep-softened features. He was a heavy sleeper, and a real pain to wake up, but she still reached out and brushed her fingers across his cheek in the hopes that he would be a little more responsive this time around.

And he was.

As soon as her fingertips met with his flesh, his eyes snapped open and locked onto her. He looked confused by her proximity, but she knew that he could see her much more clearly than she could see him, so Lucy simply smiled. "Hi," she whispered.

"Luce?" he whispered back around a yawn. "What's up?"

"I'm sorry I've been a horrible friend."

"You're not a horrible friend."

"And I'm sorry that I haven't spent as much time with you."

"You've been busy." He yawned again. "What's up with you?"

"And I'm sorry-"

"Luce," he chuckled quietly, making sure not to wake Erza, Gray and Happy. "I'm not mad at you or anything."

"I still feel bad," she said. "I…"

She couldn't tell him the truth about Bickslow, but she felt like she had to say something. Even if it had only been the Natsu in her dream that had called her out on her horrendous behavior toward her friends, she had to do something to make it right. It didn't matter to her if any of the things Dream-Natsu had said about sticking up to their friends were true. It was something he'd probably do, and she was sure that was why her subconscious had supplied that information in the first place. Maybe it was something that he actually had done.

With a heavy sigh, she reached down and clasped both hands around one of his. "I found out something about Bix," she finally said. "He's got this… condition, and it's really hard for him to do stuff sometimes. His team didn't even know about it though, and he's really embarrassed by it."

That seemed to wake Natsu up just a little more. "Why doesn't he go see Wendy or Porlyusica?" he asked. "They could check him out and probably help."

"It's not that kind of condition," she sighed. Although, she did wonder if Porlyusica could make some sort of anti-addiction potion. That was too good to be true, though. "They can't help him with this."

Natsu was silent for a moment, his face pinched in sleep-addled thought. "So there's something wrong with his head?" he finally asked, watching as Lucy blanched. That was enough of an answer for him. "I mean, that's the only thing Wendy's magic wouldn't be able to heal."

"W-Well, I guess it's something like that," she said. She put a hand over his mouth when she heard Gray shift where he slept beside Erza. Lucy wasn't sure where Happy was at, but he was probably curled up near Natsu, and still sleeping. When she was sure that no one else in the camp was awake, her hand slipped away from his chapped lips.

"If he's got some kind of mental disorder or something, he shouldn't be ashamed of it," Natsu said. Slowly, she was able to make out a smile - sleepy but no less bright - curving across his lips. "We're Fairy Tail. Everyone's a little crazy in our guild, right?"

Lucy laughed softly, muffling the sound with her blanket. They were silent for several moments before she shifted to be a little closer to him. It was already spring, but the nights were still cool, and she didn't want to turn down the extra heat her partner could provide. She was definitely glad that he didn't try to stop her. He didn't push her away as though this was something he was no longer comfortable with. In fact, Natsu pulled her fully into his arms, bedroll and all.

"When he cheated on me," she said against his chest, "It was because of that."

"Because of what?" Natsu asked, his smile fading slowly.

"Sometimes he… sees things that aren't there," she said. "Bix thought it was me that he was kissing, not some other girl. He saw _me_  there, not her."

His nose wrinkled at the mention of that near disaster in her relationship. "I don't like thinking about that. You were so sad…"

"I'm better now though. We sorted it all out."

"I still don't like that it happened," he muttered.

"I don't either," she said. "It… It still hurts to think about it. I mean, I trusted him and then that happened when we were away."

"Why did you forgive him then?"

* * *

_**But if you love me, don't let go  
If you love me, don't let go** _

* * *

Lucy's eyes closed as she felt his nose press against her scalp, just like it always used to when he crept into her bed. She may have complained about that bad habit of his, but she really did miss how close she and Natsu had been before she'd decided to start helping Bickslow. "Because I made him a promise," she said. "He needed my help, Natsu. I couldn't turn my back on him."

"Okay." Lucy jolted in his arms and they tightened around her while he laughed quietly. "C'mon, that's a great reason."

"Most people wouldn't say that," she muttered. Lucy was fully aware of how stupid her idea had been. She hadn't wanted to give up on Bickslow, but she went in knowing that she was probably just opening herself up for more pain. More heartache. More drama and stress. And still, she hadn't been able to tell him to leave. She'd read his letter that told her goodbye, saw the present he left for her, and she hadn't been able to let him go.

Cana had made her opinion on the matter very clear. As had Gray and Loke. They all thought that she was making a mistake in giving Bickslow another chance, but her heart hadn't let her use reason. Then again, this was Natsu. He tended to see things differently than most people she knew.

"Well, I say that," he said. "I mean, that's what Fairy Tail's all about, right? We never give up on nakama. And we never leave 'em behind."

Her smile only widened at his words. Leave it to Natsu to remind her of that one simple fact. They were Fairy Tail. They never gave up, and they never surrendered. She'd thought the same thing when this all started, when she'd found Bickslow in that alley, and somewhere along the way she'd forgotten that it was what held their guild together. They took care of one another, they were a family. Sure, she'd been adamant about not giving up on Bickslow, but it was Natsu who made her realize that she wasn't the only one who felt that way.

Natsu would probably do the same thing, if he knew the truth. He'd give it everything he had to help Bickslow stay clean. He also wouldn't be able to keep it a secret though.

"Hey, Luce… do you love him?"

She didn't hesitate to nod. There was no point in lying about it. She'd accepted how she felt, and even though she wasn't going to tell Bickslow about it just yet, she still knew that it wasn't going to change anytime soon. Besides, if she couldn't tell her best friend - even if she hadn't been the greatest of friends lately - then who could she tell?

He smiled again around a yawn and hugged her so tightly that her back popped. "I'm happy for you guys."

"Thanks, Natsu."

"Just try not to forget about us too, okay?" he whispered. "If he needs your help and you have to bail on a job, I get it. And I'll make the others understand, too."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to," he said. "Just… I do kinda miss hanging out with you."

She cringed and snuggled closer to him. Much more of this, and he really would be curled up in her bedroll with her. The idea wasn't entirely unappealing, except that she wasn't sure if she wanted Gray or Erza to wake up and see them curled around each other  _in_  her bedroll. It might make things more complicated if they decided to tell Bickslow about it.

It wasn't anything sexual though. Natsu holding her was entirely platonic for both of them. He was a hugger. She loved hugs. It was simple.

"I miss hanging out with you too," she said. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. You can make me some food to make it up to me," he chuckled.

"Fat chance," she giggled. She was tempted to poke that one ticklish spot just under his armpit, but she already knew that he would only retaliate. And then they'd get into a tickling fight, and wake up everyone else. The last thing she needed was to wake up Erza. So instead, she just kept herself wrapped up in his arms and let herself feel his warmth. It didn't matter if she was pouring sweat by morning. Being so close to him again, she felt like they were back to normal. And while it was nice to know that Natsu didn't hate her, and he wasn't upset with her for the lack of attention to her life outside of Bickslow, Lucy still just wanted to cling to this moment.

She'd have to tell him later on about her father. Bickslow didn't need to be the only one who knew. She didn't have to keep her own life a secret from everyone the way Bickslow thought he had to.

"Hey, Natsu?" she yawned. Lucy peeked up to see his eyes were already drifting closed again, and she followed suit.

"Hm?"

"I'm glad I can always talk to you about stuff."

"Of course you can," he mumbled.

"Tell me all about what I've missed with everyone tomorrow, okay?" Her nose crinkled just a little when she inhaled, but she still felt herself drifting closer to unconsciousness.

"'Kay."

"And maybe… we can go fishing soon, too…" She knew that smell. Natsu's sweaty armpit. Just like in her dream.

Natsu's lips lifted in a sleepy smile. Lucy hated fishing. They both knew it. "Mm…"

Unlike her dream though, Lucy really didn't mind it all that much while she laid with him like this for the first time in so long. So, instead of mentioning that he needed a good bath, she wriggled in his arms and pushed herself even closer to him so their bodies were flush. "Goodnight, Natsu," she whispered.

"G'night… weirdo…"

* * *

__**Hold, hold on, hold onto me  
'Cause I'm a little unsteady  
A little unsteady**


	21. Not Strong Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's song is  
> Apocalyptica: Not Strong Enough

_**I'm not strong enough to stay away.** _   
_**Can't run from you.** _   
_**I just run back to you.** _

* * *

Bickslow silently closed the door to Lucy's apartment and put his key back into his pocket while kicking his shoes off. He sent a mental call out to his babies and found that they were still in her bedroom, exactly where he'd left them the night before when they'd gotten back from his mission with his team and Laxus.

He'd taken one look at her sleeping face lit by a thin shaft of moonlight and he knew, right then and there, that it had been so worth it to stay with his team and trust in them. They'd helped him stay sober, and they'd all worked together to finish the job. He'd really done it without using. He'd been able to get through that horrible fucking experience, finding out his mother was still alive, and he'd stayed sober.

And as he tiptoed through the apartment in the early morning, hearing that she was still peacefully sleeping from his babies, Bickslow also knew that he'd do anything to keep this sort of calm serenity in his life.

He removed his visor and set it on the dining table, tightening his grip on the little pink bakery box he'd brought back home.

Sleep hadn't been easy to come by the night before. Even knowing that he was home with Lucy, he hadn't been able to get comfortable on the couch. Bickslow had even tried to exercise for a bit just to burn off some extra energy. He'd taken another shower and ate a little midnight snack, brushed his teeth again. And still, he hadn't been able to get even a wink of shut-eye. So he'd decided a walk was in order. He'd left his babies with Lucy and slipped out of the apartment, and he'd spent the whole night just walking. And thinking.

Those two things really weren't all that great a combination for him, considering his track record, but he'd been able to stay sober even while he was out at night. Mostly because he'd just kept walking around the block over and over again until the sun was about to rise. He didn't go anywhere near the shady side of town where a dealer might be. He'd stayed right there in the neighborhood where he couldn't be tempted even a little bit.

* * *

_**Like a moth I'm drawn into your flame.** _   
_**Say my name,** _   
_**But it's not the same.** _

* * *

And when he'd smelled the still-baking breads and desserts from a bakery, Bickslow had decided that he wanted to surprise his girlfriend with breakfast in bed.

With a secretive smile, he crept through the silent apartment and down the hall to her bedroom. The door was still open - the way she preferred it - so he was able to see her sprawled across the bed, with her hair tangled over the pillows and one foot dangling off the edge. The blanket was mostly on the floor. He almost laughed at the sight before him, but that would have woken her up. He didn't want that just yet.

Bickslow nodded in greeting to his babies where they'd perched themselves on her windowsill, then walked into the room. He set the bakery box on her nightstand. Just as he was about to lean over and brush her hair out of her face, he saw something in her hand. A small wooden trinket that he didn't recognize right away. The longer he stared at it, the more familiar it became until it dawned on him that she was holding onto the bird he'd carved for her. It felt like it had been ages since he'd seen that little bit of polished wood - when he'd tried to break up with her and had been dead set on leaving this whole life in Fairy Tail behind.

The technicality that it had been seven years since then didn't matter to him.

Bickslow couldn't help the smile that stretched across his lips the longer he looked at her. Slowly, being careful not to wake her, he pulled the bird from her lax grip and set it on the nightstand as well. His fingers feathered across her forehead, pulling her hair away from her face so he could see her more fully.

God, she was beautiful, even with her mouth hanging open and the smallest bit of drool collected on the corner of her lips. He leaned down and brought his lips to her forehead, then her cheek, leaving small kisses in his wake.

"Good morning, baby," he breathed against the shell of her ear.

Lucy hummed quietly and turned her head toward the sound of his voice, a sleepy smile barely pulling at her lips. "Bixy?"

"I'm home." Her smile widened even further, and he couldn't help himself. He pressed a tender kiss to her lips, morning breath be damned. And when she kissed him back with more intensity than he would have thought her capable of so soon after waking up, he didn't mind it one bit. Especially not when her arms wrapped around his shoulders and she dragged him closer, forcing him to crawl onto the bed with her while keeping their lips connected.

"Sober?"

He drew back just enough to speak. "Hundred percent." He groaned when she kissed him harder. Her hands slid down his chest to his stomach, then to the bottom hem of his shirt. He loved how it felt to have her fingers brushing against his skin as they dove beneath his shirt.

"Mm, so proud… of you," she breathed between kisses. His cheeks flushed slightly, even as his tongue gently teased her lips apart. And just like every other time they kissed like this, he was instantly lost in everything that was Lucy. He ached to touch her the way she was touching him, moving her hands so greedily across his chest and stomach and back, kneading his muscles as she pleased.

His shirt was in her way though, so he propped himself up on his knees and grabbed the back of it, ripping his mouth from hers just long enough to get the offending fabric over his head and tossed to the floor. She giggled when he dove right back into kissing her, making him smile once more as he gently nibbled on her lower lip.

Bickslow hadn't expected one of her legs to curl around his hip and drag him closer, but he definitely wasn't going to fight it. If this was what Lucy wanted, then he was going to give her just that. And she didn't seem satisfied until his hips ground against hers and his bare chest was pressed tightly against the faded green nightshirt she was wearing.

A large part of him started to wonder, as her fingers threaded through his hair, if this was just a dream. Maybe he'd actually been able to finally fall asleep on the couch, and this was what he was dreaming about. He was going to wake up with a raging fucking boner if that was the case. Especially if this Dream-Lucy moved against his steadily growing erection like that again.

But maybe it wasn't a dream. That soft moan of hers was too real as his hand slid across her hip and up to cup her full breast for the first time, unhindered by a bra.

If it wasn't a dream, maybe he was just hallucinating. It wouldn't be the first time he'd thought he was with Lucy. But that would mean he was high, right? And he couldn't remember shooting up. He didn't feel like he'd shot up either. And he'd been sleeping sort of regularly, so sleep deprivation wasn't an issue.

Still, he pulled back on a gasp and looked down at her. Because the last time he'd been feeling a woman up and kissing her like this, he'd been hallucinating, and it hadn't been Lucy in his arms at all. It had been Felicia. And the last thing he wanted was to find out that he'd made the same mistake again.

"Why'd you stop?" she panted.

Her kiss-swollen lips were so luscious and tempting. "This is real, right?" he asked. He had to know this was actually happening. His thumb slid over her breast, and he watched in amazement as her eyes fluttered closed when he lightly toyed with her pebbled nipple. "I'm not imagining shit?"

"It's real," she breathed. Her back arched into his touch and she gripped his hair, dragging him back down into a fiery kiss that curled his toes.

" _You're not hallucinating,"_  Papa silently told him.

" _But you should probably take your belt off,"_  Pipi said.

" _Yeah, if you're gonna dry hump her like that, the belt has to go,"_ Popo agreed.  _"There is such a thing as bad chafing. And belt buckles are a serious mood killer."_

It took a great amount of willpower to remove his hand from her perfect breast, but he finally did and reached down to quickly unbuckle his belt.

"Bix-"

"Just the belt," he said, his words rushed as he moved to kiss her again with a soft groan. He didn't even bother with taking his belt off entirely before grinding himself shamelessly against her. There was no point. He just needed the buckle out of the way so it didn't dig into her. "Fuck…"

* * *

_**You look in my eyes.  
I'm stripped of my pride. ** _

* * *

She whimpered against his lips, tightening her leg around his undulating hips. For a moment, he wondered if she wanted him to stop. Except then she was moving with him, curling her hips up to meet his and using the friction of his pants against her lacy underwear to drive him absolutely insane with need.

He wouldn't push for more though. Unless Lucy tried to take more of his clothes off, he was absolutely fine with this.

"Mm, Bix," she moaned.

Fuck, he was more than fine with just dry-humping his girlfriend if she was going to make noises like that. He wasn't really sure what had gotten into her, why she would suddenly be willing to do this with him when they'd hardly done anything more than kiss and cuddle with each other. But he wasn't about to stop and ask her twenty questions just to find the answer either.

"Shit," he groaned, running the full length of his clothed erection against her.

Later. He could ask questions later on.

Her quiet moans heightened in pitch, and he felt her trembling against him. She didn't scream his name loud enough to wake the neighbors. Lucy simply clutched herself to him and allowed him to roll his hips in short bursts that had her body locking up. He could feel the tension in her winding tighter as her fingers anchored themselves on his shoulders. He pulled back from kissing her to just look into her eyes, to soak in how utterly perfect she was as her brows furrowed and her head tipped back on a sharp gasp.

And when she smiled in utter bliss and whispered his name, her voice quivering just like her thighs as they tightened around his hips, he was a goner.

* * *

_**And my soul surrenders,  
And you bring my heart to its knees.** _

* * *

Something deep within him was shaken by seeing her like this, knowing he'd been the one to do it. He'd never been with a woman while sober. He'd never seen someone look so… peaceful while in his arms. His head dropped to her shoulder and he peppered her throat with soft kisses as pleasure swirled in the base of his spine. He groaned quietly as he ground against her a final time, and white hot ecstasy burst behind his tightly clamped eyes.

He didn't even care that he'd just jizzed all over his boxers. Not when he felt her hands gently massaging his back. It felt absolutely disgusting, but he just didn't give a shit. Because this had been the last thing he'd expected to happen when he'd had the idea to bring her some breakfast.

"Well, good morning to you too," she giggled. He smiled against her throat and kissed her pounding pulse one more time.

"I brought you breakfast."

"Is that what I smell?"

"I dunno," he chuckled. "All I smell is my yummy Cosplayer." He lifted his head to smile down at her, watching as her eyes slid open slowly.

Lucy bit her lower lip, seemingly nervous for only a fleeting moment, then leaned up to kiss him again. "Y'know, I thought I was dreaming."

He arched a brow and drew back a little more to look at her flushed cheeks. "Huh?"

Lucy wriggled her hips against his, reminding him that his boxers were still wet and sticky and fucking  _warm_. "This. I thought I was dreaming at first."

He blinked in surprise at that. Honestly, he hadn't thought she would have dreams like this about the two of them. Well, he'd never really considered what Lucy might dream about, but if he  _had_  considered it, Bickslow was positive that them dry-humping wouldn't have even crossed his mind. "Oh," he muttered. He wasn't really sure what to say to that, though.

She bit her lips again, glancing off to the windowsill to look at his babies. "I'm… glad it wasn't a dream."

"Oh?"

When Lucy looked back at him, Bickslow was smirking down at her. He couldn't help it. He felt much the same way. He was immensely thankful that this hadn't all been a dream. Mostly because he was getting tired of having to jerk off in the shower to thoughts of his far too tempting girlfriend.

"Oh my god, you're such a pervert," she laughed, lightly smacking his chest.

He laughed along with her, his tongue hanging from his mouth just a little bit. Finally, he pulled away completely and sat up on his knees. Lucy took a minute to stretch, and his gaze trailed down from her face to the green t-shirt she'd worn to bed with a design that was too faded to decipher. Down further to the sliver of skin just above her panties that was visible as her shirt rode up. And then her pale blue panties and her slender thighs, still spread from when he'd been kneeling between them.

Fuck, he was a lucky bastard.

"Well," he said, forcing his gaze back up to her face, "You stay here and have some delicious breakfast in bed, courtesy of your awesome boyfriend-"

Lucy laughed and rolled her eyes at him.

"-And I'll just go and wash up before my clothes get any more stuck to my junk."

She laughed harder while he stood from the bed and left the room. Bickslow made his way to the living room where his boxes were still stacked along one wall, and rifled through the first one he came across. He found a pair of boxers and some shorts, then turned back to head to the bathroom.

It was while he was in the shower just a few short minutes later, scrubbing the loofah over his chest and under his arms that he felt a pinprick of pain in his armpit. He frowned and looked down, rinsing the bubbles away from the dark blue hairs under his arm. And then he found it.

A puncture. A needle-sized puncture right there in his armpit. It was fresh, too. He had enough experience with injecting himself to know that it was less than a day old. Only a few hours, really.

* * *

_**And it's killin' me when you're away.  
I wanna leave and I wanna stay.** _

* * *

When the hell had he…

His breath rushed from his lungs as he thought back through his night. He honestly couldn't remember when he'd done it. When he'd even found a dealer to buy shit from since Axel had been killed. He just didn't remember, and he couldn't ask his babies about it. They hadn't been with him. He'd set them down on Lucy's windowsill when they'd gotten home and…

He'd made it so they couldn't move. He remembered that. But he'd been getting ready to go to sleep himself, so it hadn't mattered all that much. He doubted they'd even noticed.

But then he'd left the apartment and gone walking around the block. All Bickslow remembered was walking around the neighborhood. He didn't stop anywhere. He didn't duck into any alleys, looking for drugs. The only time he'd strayed from that circuit was when he'd smelled the bakery preparing its goods for the day.

He'd… He'd gone down a side street. He remembered that. It was faster that way.

Had he met someone in that alley, then? Had he really bought more drugs? If so, why wasn't he flying as high as he usually did?

No, it wasn't possible. Bickslow knew. He  _knew_  that he'd stayed clean. This wasn't from a needle. It had to be from something else, because he would remember buying the drugs and crouching down somewhere to pull his belt off and shoot up. He would  _remember_  that rush, that heady, sensual experience of liquid lightning in his veins.

He'd questioned whether what had happened with Lucy was real, so who was to say that this weird little puncture under his armpit wasn't from something else? Maybe he'd been bitten by something while trudging through the woods in that village, searching for a ghost or something else. It could have been a flea or a leech or some other kind of bullshit little parasite.

Yeah, that was it. He hadn't really shot up at all.

Bickslow took a shaky breath and kept washing himself, though he was moving a little faster through the motions than he had been before. He just wanted to get back out to Lucy and be with her, because if he was with her then he would be able to believe that he hadn't shot up. If she was beside him, he could remind himself that what had happened between them was real, and that he wasn't losing his mind. He wasn't remembering things wrong.

He washed and rinsed his hair quickly and shut off the shower, then rushed through drying himself off. He needed to get back out to Lucy. He needed to find a way to ground himself, because this sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach was the same feeling he got when he was about to rush out and shoot up. And he didn't want that.

Bickslow got dressed and put his hand on the doorknob, then stopped. He needed to breathe. He needed to go back into her room, and he needed to be calm about it. Because if he went running in there like a demon was trying to eat his asshole, Lucy would flip the hell out. He just had to relax a little bit.

"Bix, I hope you're coming out soon," Lucy said. He could hear her smiling. "Or else I'll eat all of these doughnuts you brought."

He smiled then. She liked what he'd bought for her. "Save me one," he called back, opening the bathroom door. He kicked his discarded pants toward the hamper and walked out of the bathroom, not noticing the half-empty syringe that peeked out of a hidden pocket.

* * *

_**And I'm so confused,** _   
_**So hard to choose** _   
_**Between the pleasure and the pain.** _

* * *

Halfway through the day, Bickslow realized that he had, in fact, shot up. He hadn't slept the night before, but he wasn't exhausted. No, he had too much energy and it was taking every bit of his willpower to keep it to himself. He couldn't let Lucy know that he'd slipped. He didn't even remember doing it, but the signs were there.

And when he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth after lunch, he'd seen his pants from the night before still sitting on the floor. Lucy hadn't picked them up and put them in the hamper. It wasn't like he expected her to do it for him. He'd just forgotten to do it himself. So he brushed his teeth, used mouthwash, flossed, brushed them one more time just to be sure they were clean, and finally turned to pick up his pants. He didn't see the syringe right away. Not until it fell to the floor. And as soon as the light caught on the glass, he couldn't deny it any longer. He'd used again.

And there was still some left over. Was that what he'd done? He hadn't used everything at once? Had he just shot up a little bit to take the edge off, so he wouldn't have to feel his withdrawal kicking his ass on a constant basis?

Bickslow knew it was stupid. He knew he fucking shouldn't do it. He should have called Lucy into the bathroom and asked her to get rid of it. He should have just told her that he'd slipped a little, showed her that he could be honest with her. He knew she'd help him stop and get clean again. He could start fresh.

But that was always the worst part. Starting all over again. He'd have to come down again. He'd have to go through withdrawal  _again_. And he'd have to live with the fact that he'd fucked up. Again.

No wonder his mother had left him behind. She'd known he was a fuck-up and cut her losses. She left him to die in that nuthouse in Pergrande, had come to Fiore and made a new life and new family for herself. And she seemed like she was happy now. Happy without her piece of shit son in her life.

He didn't want to pick up the needle and roll it between his fingers. He didn't want to think about how he must have considered how he could hide the evidence from Lucy. She knew that he injected shit into his arms. He was scarred enough for it to be pretty fucking obvious. But if he did it somewhere else… She wouldn't know.

But not right now. He was still feeling alright. He didn't need it just yet. He hadn't started coming down yet, and if he used right then, he wouldn't be able to hide the telltale signs. He'd have too much energy. He'd be a little too hyper.

Bickslow knew now, how different he was when he was sober. If he was going to do this, then he had to make sure he kept up that façade. He was going to get clean, but he couldn't do it cold turkey. If he just shot up less than what he normally did, he could wean himself off of it until he just didn't need to use it anymore. And if Lucy did find out, he could explain it to her. Maybe she'd understand what he was trying to do. He just wanted to make it a little easier on himself. That was all.

So, he looked around the bathroom for a place he could hide the syringe. It had to be a place that she wouldn't search. Somewhere that no one would ever think to look. Not under the sink or in the medicine cabinet. He didn't even know what was in her medicine cabinet, but he was sure that she actually used it for medicine. Like a normal person.

But the toilet… Not inside the tank. There was too much moisture in there, and he didn't have a plastic baggie to put the syringe in to keep water from getting to it. The last thing he wanted was for mold to start growing on it if he left it for too long.

But taped to the back of the toilet… Yes. Lucy wouldn't look back there. And he wouldn't have to try and silently take off the lid for the tank and hope that it didn't knock against anything while he dealt with the needle. All he needed was something that could stick it back there… Tape. He needed tape.

* * *

_**And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.  
Even if I try to win the fight.** _

* * *

"Hey, Lucy?" he called out. Bickslow tucked the syringe into the band of his shorts, just in case she came anywhere near the bathroom. He opened the door and popped his head out into the hallway. "Do you have bandaids?"

"Yeah," she called from the kitchen. She rounded the corner a minute later with a smile. "They're under the sink in the first aid kit."

"Cool."

"Everything alright?"

He gave her a sheepish grin while using his thumb to scratch along his forearm until he felt the skin split just a little. "I scratched my arm a bit too hard. I'll be alright. Just couldn't find them."

She nodded slowly, understanding shining in her eyes. "Mmkay, well, if you need help, bring it out here alright? I'm gonna put on The Little Mermaid for your babies."

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. "You spoil them," he said while shutting the door. It was true with himself though too. She spoiled him just as much.

Still, he had things to do and he couldn't waste time thinking about anything aside from getting the bandaids from under the sink. He pulled out two of them from the first aid kit, and used the first to deal with the scratch he'd put on his arm. If Lucy checked, she needed to see that he'd really scratched his arm. Once that was finished, Bickslow took the second bandaid and the syringe, then moved toward the toilet. He knelt down and pressed the syringe to the back of the tank, then pressed the adhesive of the bandaid over it and against the ceramic.

He stepped back and looked at it from several angles, even crouching down to what he assumed was Lucy's height. That had to be good enough. He'd spent enough time in the bathroom. She would get suspicious if he didn't get his ass back out there soon.

And while Bickslow wanted nothing more than to get just one more little hit of his "medicine," he knew he couldn't. Maybe he could wait until later tonight. That would be good. After she was asleep, he could do it again.

He sighed while standing upright and throwing away the bandaid wrappers, then turned toward the door. Lucy didn't need to know, and it seemed he was in the clear. His babies hadn't said a word to him about what he'd done in the bathroom, or even what he'd realized. Maybe this was one of those few times they missed what he was thinking about. If that was the case, then he was going to stop thinking about it for as long as he could.

He couldn't let his babies ruin this idea for him. They'd tell Lucy as soon as they could, and then it would be all over.

When he got to the living room, he smiled at the sight of Lucy holding all of his babies on the couch as the opening for the movie played.

"I seriously love this movie," Pupu sighed.

"It does have some really catchy music," Papa said.

Bickslow shook his head and sat down beside Lucy, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his side. He seriously couldn't get enough of feeling her close to him. And the fact that she didn't mind him being shirtless right then was a definite plus. His babies shifted to lie across his lap as well as hers, and Lucy's hand came up to draw small, random circles on the totem tattoo around his belly button. When he looked down at her, Bickslow found her wide brown eyes staring right up at him.

He worried for a moment if she knew what he'd been doing, but then she smiled and kissed his chest and snuggled closer while they watched the movie.

* * *

_**My heart would overrule my mind.  
And I'm not strong enough to stay away.** _

* * *

Lucy walked along the path leading from the guild with Natsu and Happy by her side. She wasn't entirely sure where they were headed, but she'd promised her partner and his little Exceed companion that the day was theirs alone. They would get to have her undivided attention, and that had been a promise.

Her lacrima pulsed in her bag, and she cringed. Bickslow was the only one who called her. She could only hope that he wasn't calling for an emergency.

"Sorry," she said to Natsu when he turned toward her with a small frown. "Just a second. Promise." He nodded, and she quickly answered the call. Bickslow's visored face filled the orb as he smiled at her. "Hey, handsome."

" _Hey, baby,"_  Bickslow said.  _"Just wanted to check in with you. You having fun with Natsu?"_

"We're just walking right now," she laughed. "What are you planning for today?"

" _I called up my team. We're gonna hang down at the guild for a bit. Freed said something about a new bookstore opening up, so we might go down there."_

"Ooh, would you see if there's anything I might like?" she asked.

His lips pursed in thought for a moment.  _"What kinda stuff would you wanna read?"_

Natsu leaned over and grinned down at the lacrima. "Luce reads everything," he said. "She's the biggest nerd there is!"

"And the fattest!" Happy chimed in, earning a scowl from the blonde.

"Shut it, cat!"

Bickslow chuckled.  _"Maybe I can ask Freed for some pointers then, if my girlfriend's so nerdy."_

She smiled down at him, catching a flash of green hair off to his side when he pulled the orb away from himself just a little. They weren't at the guild yet, but she did feel better knowing that he was already with Freed. He wasn't all by himself, going through withdrawal. That was definitely a plus. Lucy had been just a little bit worried about him when she'd left the apartment that morning without him. But she was almost always worried about Bickslow.

He'd been doing such a great job lately. His days weren't always the greatest, but he tried so hard to make it through them. She could see how much he struggled sometimes. Oddly enough, that morning they'd ended up getting just a little carried away in her bed - after he'd come back from his mission - had ended up being one of his best days yet. She wasn't entirely sure if it had anything to do with what  _they'd_  done together, but Lucy also hadn't tested it.

" _Well, I just wanted to check in and let you know what I had going on,"_ Bickslow said, drawing her attention back to his smiling face.

"Mmkay, sweetie," she said. "Remember, we're gonna meet up at home later and go out for dinner tonight."

" _I remember, Cosplayer," he chuckled. "See you then."_

The lacrima went dark and she put it away as she and Natsu continued walking. "So, is he doing better then?" Natsu asked softly.

"Yeah," she said. "He's not all the way better, but… He has his good days."

"That's good." Natsu sighed and put his hands behind his head as he walked. "So what else is new, Luce?"

Her brows furrowed for a moment as she looked up at his profile. He was still smiling, but it wasn't as bright as it usually was. "Not much, really."

"You sure?"

* * *

_**What can I do?  
I would die without you.** _

* * *

When Natsu glanced down at her, she knew that there was something he wasn't telling her. Maybe it was something that his enhanced Slayer senses had picked up on, but she couldn't be sure. And she was positive that it wasn't another one of those weird moments that he'd smelled something a little off about her. He couldn't possibly know what she and Bickslow had done that one time in her bed just a few days ago.

After another moment, she looked back down at the ground. There was something she'd yet to tell him or the rest of her team. And now was as good a time as any to talk about it.

"Natsu, what were you planning on doing today?"

"Not sure, really," he chuckled. "I just wanted to hang out with you."

"Do you think…" Lucy sighed and gently grabbed onto his scarf to get him to stop walking for a moment, just when they came to a fork in the road. "Could we stop by your house and get your fishing poles?"

"Lushy, you wanna go fishing?" Happy asked, his eyes wide in amazement. "You  _hate_  fishing!"

"Yeah, well…" She smiled at the ground, knocking against a loose bit of stone with her boot. "You guys always talk about how nice it is…"

Natsu's head tilted to the side until he was bent in half, fully able to see the saddened pinch between her brows. "You alright?"

"I just wanna tell you about something," she whispered. "A-And I thought… you guys like fishing. So why not?"

He didn't ask anymore questions after that. Instead, he smiled that same bright Natsu smile that had the tension in her shoulders melting. He grabbed her hand and dragged her through town to his hut. She waited outside while he rushed through the door and grabbed three fishing poles. She already knew that he had an extra one just in case he needed it. Happy hardly ever used a fishing pole.

It wasn't until they were seated on the soft earth next to a lake she hadn't known existed that Lucy finally decided to speak. It took a little bit of preparation, but everything was so calm here. The water lapped gently at the shore, and she took a little extra time to just close her eyes and bask in the stillness and silence of the forest around them.

She'd needed this little bit of serenity.

"Natsu," she said, gaining her companion's attention. "Happy."

"Yeah?" Natsu replied.

There were tears in her eyes when they opened again, but she found the will to move her lips. To form the words that she'd kept to herself for far too long already. "When we were stuck on Tenrou, my dad died."

And just like she knew they would, Natsu and Happy stayed close while she talked about what had happened, the letter she'd gotten and the years of birthday presents that had been left in her apartment. They'd mostly ignored the fishing gear and instead kept her within arm and paw's reach, and they'd listened while she let herself finally just talk about how it left her feeling.

And just like she knew he would, Natsu understood the things she didn't say out loud. That bitter burning sensation in the pit of her stomach over not being able to say goodbye. When her tears fell, his warm arm wrapped around her and he pulled her into his side.

She loved that he was such a good friend to her. All Lucy hoped was that she could be there for him when he needed her the most too.

* * *

_**In your presence my heart knows no shame.  
I'm not to blame.** _

* * *

Bickslow made it a whole week before his babies realized what the hell he'd been doing. Papa was the first one to pick up on it, but that was most likely because he knew the signs. Bickslow had been very careful to make it seem as though he was sleeping for at least a few hours every night. Since he always had his babies in Lucy's bedroom while he stayed on the couch, all he had to do was make sure there was something for him to keep his hands occupied.

He'd finished two whole Sudoku books already.

Lucky for him, he supposed, they realized it while Lucy was out with Erza. It meant they couldn't tell her about it right away like the little snitches they were. And she was going to be gone for hours, considering it had something to do with bakeries and sweets. Everyone knew about Erza's cake addiction. How funny it was that no one hassled  _her_  about it.

"Bickslow, you were doing so well," Pepe said.

"I understand that this is hard," Papa added, "But you should have told us. You should have told Lucy."

He rubbed the back of his neck and leaned back on the couch, his leg bouncing to get out a little of his excess energy. It had been a bit since he'd really slept, and he needed to let himself come down so he could do just that. But he couldn't have Lucy knowing that he was coming down. She had to see that he was still perfectly fine. "I'm fine," he told the little wooden totems that were lined up on the coffee table. "Babies, I'm better than fine."

"You're using again," Popo said. "That's not fine."

"But I'm not doing it as much," Bickslow shot back. "5 mils at a time, that's  _nothing_  compared to before."

"And how long does it last?" Papa asked. Fuck, of course he would ask that.

The reason Bickslow had shot up more than 15 milliliters at a time before was because he just wasn't getting the high he needed. He could do less if it was a solid batch, but he usually couldn't really afford the great stuff. Not unless he took an S Class mission with Laxus and the team. And since the Raijinshuu couldn't take S Class missions anymore without Laxus - not that there were a whole lot for the mages in Fairy Tail to choose from as it was - Bickslow had been forced to seriously ration his drug use.

"I thought so," Papa sighed. "Bickslow, this can't continue. We need to get you clean and tell-"

"You're not fucking telling anyone," he snarled.

"Lucy needs to know," Popo shot back. "She thinks you're still sober, and-"

"And she's gonna keep thinking that, because you guys aren't telling her or anyone else what I'm doing," Bickslow said. His brows drew together as he glared at the little totems. This was his fucking life. They'd all had their own chances at living, and now it was his turn. Did he want to keep using? Hell no. But he needed it. It was the only thing keeping him going right then. Sure, he'd gotten closer with Lucy, but he knew that was only because she thought he was clean.

But he was being careful. He didn't slip up and let her know that he'd been using again. He made sure to inject it in places she wouldn't think to look if she got suspicious. Like his mouth. He'd hated sticking a needle into his gums, and it had left him feeling like he was on the verge of losing all of his teeth at once. He definitely wasn't going to do  _that_  again.

"You can't stop us from talking to her!" Pupu shouted. That was definitely surprising. Pupu was the least likely to get riled up about something.

"Yeah," Pepe chimed in. "If we stop talking altogether, she'll know something's wrong. Just like the last time you didn't let us talk to her. She knew you were doing something that we'd tell her about."

"I won't have to do a thing," Bickslow chuckled. He lifted the syringe he'd already prepared and waved it in front of them. "If you tell her, or anyone else about this, I'll never forgive you guys."

"That won't stop me," Popo huffed. "Hate me forever if you want, but we love you, Bickslow. We don't want you killing yourself anymore."

"I'm not killing myself, babies. Don't you see that? I'm figuring out how the hell I'm gonna keep living."

"You don't need drugs for that!" his babies shouted in unison, each of their bodies wriggling on the table in their anger.

"You don't fucking understand!" he shouted right back. "I do need it! Because if I don't have it, then what's the point?"

"The point-" Papa began, going silent when Bickslow spoke again.

"Yeah, I've got Lucy and my team and you guys. I know you all give a damn about me, but what about my mom, huh? Why didn't  _she_  care? Why did she have to leave me in that crazy house? What the hell did I  _ever_  do to make her hate me so much?" He leaned forward and grabbed at his hair with both hands, his elbows resting on his shaking knees. "I was a kid, babies. I was barely even fucking five when they started treating me like shit. The only thing I remember of my childhood is being hurt and hungry and fucking cold!"

"Bickslow," the totems sighed.

"So the hell what if I shoot up a little bit?" he sneered. "I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm just trying to make the pain stop for a little bit. I just wanna be happy for a change, instead of thinking about how much of a piece of shit mistake of a kid I must have been for my mom to up and ditch me!"

"But Bickslow-" Pipi whispered.

"If you tell anyone, we're done," he hissed. His grip on the syringe tightened marginally. Maybe he needed just one more dose before he let himself come down. Just a couple milliliters. Not too much. Just enough so he wasn't upset anymore. "I really will send all fucking five of you away this time. She won't be able to stop me."

"You wouldn't!" Papa gasped. "Bickslow, we love you!"

* * *

_**There's nothing I can do.  
My heart is chained to you.** _

* * *

"Yeah, well then you can prove it!" he bellowed. "Be on  _my_  side for a change instead of always siding with Lucy! Ever since she came along, you guys have stuck yourselves to her like some little leeches! And instead of trying to understand what's going on with me, you care more about her and what she wants!"

"Bickslow, we don't-" Pepe said.

"You do," Bickslow hissed. He was done with shouting. And the fire swelling in his chest wasn't helping matters. All it was doing, was killing his fucking high. And he didn't need that. "So I'm not giving you a fucking choice anymore. You're either gonna keep this to yourselves, or I'll send you away. I can force you to move on anytime I want, you know that."

"But you promised," Pipi whimpered.

"I don't wanna move on," Pupu added, its little voice trembling.

"Then don't try and fuck with me anymore," he hissed. "Now, you guys stay here. Killed my fucking high. And here I was ready to start coming down. I'm doing it this time  _because of you_."

He stood from the couch and went into the bathroom. Bickslow pulled down his pants and wrapped his belt around his thigh, searching for the thick vein in his leg that he could use near his crotch. Lucy didn't really see his thighs all that often, and if it was high enough then she definitely wouldn't see it. It was a perfect place to shoot up. She'd been a lot more affectionate lately, so it was starting to get more difficult for him to use any places on his torso. He couldn't let her see the truth.

He stuck the needle into his leg, then pulled back on the plunger to make sure he'd gotten the vein. No luck. There was no blood.

"Motherfucker…"

Bickslow pulled it out and pushed down the plunger just a little to make sure there wasn't any air in the syringe, then tried again. He missed again.

* * *

_**And I can't get free.  
Look what this love's done to me.** _

* * *

"Goddamnit. Where's the fucking vein?" he muttered.

The door to the apartment opened and closed, and he heard Lucy and Erza talking while they walked into the living room. Bickslow's eyes widened in horror. He didn't need this shit! He pulled the needle out and rushed over to the shower, nearly tripping over his pants that were still around his knees.

" _Tell her I'm jumping in the shower, babies. I was working out,"_  he silently told the totems.

" _... Alright, Bickslow,"_  Papa replied. Bickslow didn't care right then that he sounded so defeated.  _"Whatever you say…"_

He put the syringe between his teeth while pulling his clothes off the rest of the way. He left the belt around his thigh while getting into the shower, then sat down as cold water beat down on him. He didn't care how cold it was. He needed this.

He pushed his wet hair out of his eyes, flexing his thigh over and over again to get the stupid fucking vein to pop out even a little. At least the shower was washing away the little dots of blood from the other failed attempts. When he tried again, he succeeded. He pulled back the plunger and saw just a small amount of his blood mixing with the clear liquid waiting inside. Just a couple mils. He wouldn't use all of it. Just a little bit, and he'd be fine.

Just when his finger started to push down, there was a knock on the bathroom door that startled him. The plunger went down all the way. All 17 milliliters shot through him like a bullet, sending his racing heart into overdrive. Fuck that was good.

"Bix?" Lucy called through the door.

"Yeah," he said, trying to hold back the satisfied groan that wanted to bubble out of him. It took him a moment to remove the belt from his leg, but he loosened it enough so it could slide down when he found the will to do it. God, this was wonderful.

"I kinda need to use the bathroom," she said. "Is it alright if I come in there?"

"Emergency?" he asked. "I'm in the shower, so…"

"Well, I started my period on the way back here, and I didn't have anything with me, so…"

Bickslow smiled and licked his lips as his head tipped back against the cold tile wall. "Sure, baby. No peeking though."

She laughed and opened the door to the bathroom. He listened closely as she came in and sat down on the toilet. They didn't speak while she used the toilet, the only sounds in the room coming from the shower and the quiet crinkle of plastic while she grabbed a tampon from the box that always sat on the back of the toilet. "Ugh, this is disgusting."

"That bad?" he asked. His head turned slightly and he looked at the bar of soap sitting in the dish. He should probably get that wet so it smelled like he was actually taking a shower to get clean.

"You don't want me to answer that."

"Come on," he chuckled. His limp hand reached up for the soap and he had to try twice before his fingers closed around it. He didn't bother with a loofah, and instead just rubbed it in slow circles over his chest. Fuck, even rubbing the soap on his body felt amazing. Why had he stopped doing this again? "I'm your boyfriend. You can tell me."

"It feels like Erza stabbed my uterus, and I'm bleeding just as much," she sighed. "This skirt is ruined."

"It can't be that bad."

"It is, Bix." He frowned and peeked his head out of the shower, around the curtain, and looked at her skirt that was pooled around her ankles. That was actually a pretty big stain on the skirt. Damn, maybe she  _had_  been stabbed. Lucy pulled up a wad of toilet paper from between her legs, and he cringed when he saw the bright red blood covering most of it. Lucy looked over at him, blinking in surprise when she saw how low his head was. "What are you doing?"

"My legs are total jelly," he chuckled. "Workout was super intense today."

"You're so silly," she giggled. She hesitated before grabbing more toilet paper and wiping again. "Seriously though, I loved this skirt."

"You should talk to Popo," he said.

"How come?" she asked, glaring down at the bloody toilet paper before tossing it into the toilet.

"Popo was a woman when she was still alive. And a lesbian," he said with a smirk, still rubbing soap on his stomach. He moved down to the leg that didn't still have a belt around it. The last thing he needed was for that to make any noise. He wouldn't be able to talk his way out of that one without making himself seem like a total pervert. "Pretty sure she's got some solid pointers on how to get period blood out of clothes."

"I never thought of that," Lucy said, wide-eyed.

"Gimme a sec," he said. He brought his head back into the shower and tried not to laugh at the amount of bubbles covering his body.  _"Popo, I'm bringing you in here. Lucy needs your help with period things."_

Bickslow closed his eyes and focused on the little soul, then pulled it from the totem and transferred it to the box of tampons on the back of the toilet.

"Hi, Lucy," Popo said.

Lucy squeaked, and Bickslow stuck his head out of the shower again to chuckle at his girlfriend. "There you go, baby. Popo can help."

He ignored them after that, since Popo wouldn't be stupid enough to try and tell Lucy anything while he was right there. And he didn't really care all that much how to get blood out of a skirt. Instead, Bickslow focused all his attention on the belt that was still around his leg. He needed to get it off of his leg and stand up. And then he'd have to wait for Lucy to get out of the bathroom so he could deal with the syringe as well.

"Just soak it in cold water for a little bit," Popo said. "It's pretty light, so you could use some peroxide on it to get the stain out too."

"I didn't know that," Lucy said softly.

"Mina, she was my girlfriend for a long time, bled all over the sheets like… every time she got her period," Popo laughed. "I fucking hate that bitch, but it taught me a few things."

"Why do you hate her?" Lucy laughed.

"She cheated on me. I broke her nose. No one cheats on me and gets away with it."

Bickslow smiled and wrapped his hand around the buckle of the belt, then slowly set it off to the side. Finally, he stood and set the syringe down in the soap dish. He got a pretty good head rush, but he couldn't react to it. Lucy was still right there. Instead, he used the soap to lather up his groin, then carefully washed the three punctures in his thigh.

It seriously sucked that he was going to have to go out for more drugs so soon. Oh well, at least he was flying high where he preferred to be.

This was so much better than the bullshit rationing he'd been doing before. Bickslow took a deep breath and grinned. He definitely wasn't going to ration his shit. He wanted to keep this feeling for as long as he could.

* * *

_**And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.  
Even if I try to win the fight.** _

* * *

One of the things that made it so easy to keep this hidden from Lucy was that she was starting to spend more time with her team. She went out with Erza and Gray and Natsu at least once every couple days. Other times, she would spend her days at the guild. Sometimes Bickslow stayed at the guild with her, but he was always able to be a little more like he wanted to be - bouncing around and being the most fun son of a bitch ever created - when they were at the guild. It's what was expected of him when he was there, and Lucy just assumed that he was only trying to play the part so no one would see how different he was while sober.

Plus, he could get away with a bit more if he spent time with his team. And he always made sure to keep Lucy in the know when he was with Freed and Evergreen. He always called her, or she would see him leave the guild with them to go on a short job. And then, on his way back home, he'd stop by his new dealer, Ricky, and get just enough to last him a couple days. And before he got home to Lucy, Bickslow would always stop at a convenience store or some other place where he could use a bathroom. That way, he could undress just enough to shoot up somewhere she'd never think to look.

Even Laxus didn't realize that he was using almost as much as he used to.

Sure, Bickslow had started out just using a little here and there to tide himself over. He'd been weaning himself off, or trying to. But then that one little wonderful fuck-up in the shower had been all he'd needed to remember why he loved riding this high.

And it was why he was nearly skipping as he made his way back home to Lucy that afternoon. He'd already gotten his fix, and he'd splurged just a little to really feel the thrill of a good batch in the next few days.

He was going to need it if he and Lucy were going to take this mission she was so excited about. Because it was just going to be himself and Lucy. They weren't taking their teams along, and they also weren't telling either of their teams about it. It was just going to be the two of them, and this had been all his damn idea when he'd been tweaking and trying with everything he was worth to not let her know about it.

She'd wanted to know why he was so excited. And he'd had to make something up on the spot. His bright idea had been to tell her that he wanted to take a job, just the two of them, where they could just spend some time together away from Magnolia.

She'd fallen for it, and had smiled so wide that he'd nearly been blinded.

Bickslow couldn't help but grin when he thought about the way she'd tackled him to the couch and kissed him until it had turned into more. Until he'd been pinned to the couch with his hands pushing her skirt up just enough to feel her bare ass under his groping fingers. He had a feeling there would have been something even better just around the corner for them if Loke hadn't opened his gate and ruined the moment just before Lucy could unzip his damn pants.

But that could wait, he supposed.

They didn't need to rush into that. He could be patient. Maybe he could get her pants off instead and bury his face between her legs. Maybe he'd be able to really get her to scream with just his tongue.

Lucy's apartment building came into view, and he laughed while hopping on his babies. They were silent a lot more often those days, but at least he didn't have to listen to them bitching at him all the time about using meth. Papa was the only one who understood how amazing this felt, but for him… it was only memories. Bickslow was still living it, loving it.

And as he flew through the air and right toward Lucy's open window, he took a deep breath of the air flying past him.

"Mm, my Cosplayer's cooking chicken tonight," he hummed. "C'mon, babies. Let's go get some dinner. And then maybe I'll get another shot in later tonight."

"When was the last time you slept?" Papa asked.

"Who cares?" Bickslow laughed. "I don't need shit like that. Just my baby's food and kisses, and…" He trailed off when he saw her through the window, wearing one of his shirts and a pair of denim shorts. "Fuck, she's sexy. Let's get there yesterday. I need to lick me some Cosplayer thighs!"

"... Whatever you say, Bickslow," the totems murmured.

* * *

_**My heart would overrule my mind.  
And I'm not strong enough to stay away.** _


End file.
